THE INTERVIEW
A SLACKERS SHORT STORY
Featuring Mihalis, Wario, Knuckles, & Mew
Some time ago, we decided to conduct an interview of our main cast. We thought we'd try something new, in part as a tribute to the old Starwing Interviews website, and in part to learn more about the characters we write about. At this time, Episode 20 is almost done being written, and seeing as the long episodic format is a bit too demanding on my time at the moment, I've taken it upon myself to write some short stories and little side projects to keep the old creative mind sharpened.
We've got four chairs set up facing the cameras, and a solid white backdrop behind them. It's our expectation that this interview will be conducted in a timely, professional manor, with no concern needed for disruptive behavior.
Looks like they're arriving now. From left to right, we have Mihalis Sakaki-Dualwielder, co-owner of Slackers; Wario W. Wario, Jr., the other co-owner; Knuckles the Echidna, former Guardian of the Master Emerald and the bar's most frequent customer; and Mew, Mike's Pokemon from his training days and de facto sidekick. My speech will be written in the same fashion as theirs from here on out, and actions will be written in their usual italicized format. Without further ado, let's welcome our guests.
Author: Thanks for joining us today, guys.
Mike: No problem.
Wario: Where's the free food I was promised?
Knuckles: I can't believe I agreed to this.
Mew: *mentally* Can I answer in psychic thought waves so these clowns can't hear me?
Author: ... right. Off to a predictable start. Let's get on with it. How are you gentlemen?
Wario: Years of rigorous etiquitte training.
Mike: Huh?
Author: Excuse me?
Wario: What? I going too fast for you or something?
Author: It's just, I'm not really sure what to think of that response.
Wario: You asked how we're gentlemen, so I told you!
Knuckles: *facepalms* Wario. He meant "how are you, gentlemen" as in, asking how we're doing. The guy typing this just forgot to put in the comma between "you" and "gentlemen."
Wario: It's not my fault Mike forgot to turn on the subtitles again!
Mew: We're already off to a weird start.
Mike: All your base are belong to us!
Mew: Exactly. One minute in and already two Zero Wing references.
Knuckles: To answer your question, I'm good, apart from a mild stress headache, but I've come to accept that as the norm.
Wario: Well, you ARE the Norm in this series.
Knuckles: What the hell does that mean?
Wario: That thing where you walk in, greet us, then everyone yells "Knuuuux!" That's taken from Norm from Cheers.
Mew: I always wondered why we did that with him and no one else.
Mike: Why are we doing this again?
Author: Because Slackers has gone way beyond the simple silliness it was when it first began, and we're hoping to cull that before it escalades into a soap opera.
Mike: I thought "Link Between Universes" was pretty silly.
Author: Well, no one has seen the follow-up yet.
Wario: Having Mew drunkenly warp us across parallel dimensions wasn't exactly funny, either.
Knuckles: Easy for you to say! You weren't in jail, dick! You even got to beat Mike in pirate insult sword combat!
Wario: ... oh yeah! Good times.
Knuckles: Ugh... can we move on? What's the next question?
Author: Sure. How do you guys all know each other?
Mike: We've all been hanging out for about seven years now.
Wario: Mike and I have known each other since first grade, so we probably go further back than anyone else.
Author: How'd you meet?
Wario: A bully was picking on him, and I taught that bully a lesson!
Mike: What? You got that backwards, War! YOU were getting picked on for being fat!
Knuckles: Some things never change.
Author: So which is it?
Mew: I'll butt in. Multiple kids were making fun of Wario, and Mike put a stop to it.
Author: How so?
Mike scratches the back of his head.
Mike: I might've got carried away.
Wario: He kicked one of them in the ball (yes, singular), forced another one to eat pee-soaked playground rocks, and repeatedly bashed the third one's face into a barbed wire fence.
Knuckles: Jesus! You must've been one extremely troubled kid!
Mike: It got them off Wario's back, didn't it?
Wario: That's putting it mildly! Everyone was terrified of you after you came back from suspension!
Mike: I didn't like bullies. Wario was the only one who wanted to hang out with me after that.
Wario: I see right through that. You insist you settled for me, but we all know how you really feel!
Mike and Wario both smirk, but Wario clearly looks more smug.
Mike: Years later, he and I fought for my penthouse before realizing who we were fighting with. I got the penthouse, Wario discovered the abandoned bar for sale, so we bought it together.
Wario: The only reason that penthouse ain't mine is because I got all mushy, I hadn't seen you since you ran away!
Author: Ran away?
Mike: That's an unnecessary detail.
Wario: You caught your girlfriend banging someone else, got tired of your parents' religious bullshit, and ran away to become a Pokemon trainer.
Mike: Publish my entire life story, why don't you.
Wario: The nice man asked a question, I answered. Sorry if the truth hurts, buddy!
Author: So... how about the rest of you?
Mike: Mew was pretty straightforward. One day, I caught him, and he ended up being one of my best buddies.
Author: How did you manage that?
Mike: Simple. I used the Mew glitch.
Author: Mew glitch? This is real life, not some kind of video game.
Mike: You know what? If you don't like it, go complain about it on the internet.
Mew: Knuckles, on the other hand... a bit more complicated.
Author: How so?
Knuckles: Somehow I wound up in Kanto, everyone kept throwing shit at me thinking I was a Pokemon, so I ran for the nearest town.
Mike: Misty and I were at a Pokemon Center in Saffron City when Knux came barging in, wondering what the hell was going on. So he stuck around with us where he knew he'd be safe until we could get him back to Angel Island. After War and I opened Slackers, Knux came by. I don't remember who started it, but they ended up getting into a fight.
Mew: The first of many.
Author: Why are you all friends, again?
Mew: The question that keeps repeating itself.
Mike: We may annoy each other a lot, but deep down there's a mutual admiration and respect, mostly based on how long we've all known each other.
Wario: Schoolboy.
Mike: Whipped.
Knuckles: They keep me entertained. As aggravating as they can be, I'd take a bullet for any of these guys.
Mew: Or give a bullet, in Marikoth's case.
Knuckles: For the millionth time, it was an accident because someone threw yet ANOTHER Pokeball at me.
Mew: As for me, prime pranking material.
Author: Alright. Let's see... *looks at clipboard* Where is your favorite place to hang out, besides Slackers?
Mew and Wario look at each other, then look back, replying in unison.
Mew & Wario: Conker's.
Knuckles: Now how did I know they were going to say that?
Mike: Because Mew is the horniest bastard on the planet and Wario can eat whatever disgusting food he wants.
Knuckles: Yep, that's it.
Author: Okay then... looks like we've just got one more question for the day before we wrap up.
Mike: That's it?
Author: Yep.
Mike: I guess I expected this thing to be longer.
Mew: Isn't that what Misty said to you last night?
Mike: You're asking for a trip to the Master Ball, Mew.
Wario: Hah!
Knuckles: What's the question? Someone's gotta keep this thing moving along.
Author: What do you guys have against Bowser?
They all sit awkwardly.
Mew: I'm not sure how to respond to this.
Wario: Yeah, anytime his name comes up, Bowser's usually not far behind to roast us.
Wario, realizing his mistake, immediately covers his mouth, but it's already too late.
Mike: Goddammit, Wario...
Knuckles: In 3... 2... 1...
One of the walls collapses in a fiery explosion, and the guys shield themselves from incoming debris. When the dust settles, there stands Bowser.
Bowser: RAAARGH! You guys are the reason I keep getting arrested! It's payback time, you pricks!
Mew: Mike? Is it too late for that Master Ball idea?
Mike: Absolutely.
Mew: Fuuuuuu-
Not keen on wasting time, Bowser promptly fries everyone in the room until they're blackened to a crisp and smoking. A single faint cough is heard.
Bowser: Hmph!
He storms off loudly.
Author: *wheeze* A-and with that, I think this is a good time to call it an interview. Good night, everybody...
He faints.
2021