SLACKERS
EPISODE XIX
THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS
There's an ancient adage that has existed within the depths of every soul that ever lived. It's an old phrase, but it's one that rang true countless millennia ago, and remains true to this day. From the ancient Egyptians constructing the great pyramids to the unionized laborers scraping the sky with towers of ungodly height, so many people—male, female, or otherwise—have all been able to unite as workers to share that age old sentiment that their grandfathers felt.
"I need a fucking vacation."
When your social circle includes a red anthropomorphic echidna whom made his living protecting a massive green gem from falling into the wrong hands, a fat Italian who's not really an Italian but still sounds like a gruff mafia don, a fiery tempered redhead whom has always wanted to be treated like a lady despite her tomboyish antics and her ability to swear and punch like a sailor, and a small, pink Pokemon capable of turning Mt. Everest into a plate of fried chicken, your life tends to get rather, shall we say, wacky, and you might have cravings for some sort of sense of normality.
Time away from it all is always helpful, whether you're a Chevy mechanic that's looking to spend the weekend at the beach, or you're a bar owner in a group of Nintendo characters and constantly getting involved in such antics like deposing cats, blasting space monkey brains, and learning your dad is actually the world's most fearsome crime boss, and you're looking to have an ordinary week away at a ski resort near Mt. Silver in the faraway region of Johto.
The owners of Slackers Inc., Mike S. Dualwielder and Wario W. Wario, have opted to close down for the week and take such a vacation. While this group tends to have things go horribly wrong, they've felt taking their friends with them on a nice vacation might boost everyone's morale and help them forget about life—zany as it is—for a while. At the moment, Wario is in a ski lift, having naturally been paired with Knuckles the Echidna, and he's already found something to complain about…
Wario: *shivers* Brr… it's too damn cold!
Knuckles: How the hell did I get stuck with you on the ski lift?
Wario: Because Mike and Misty paired off and Emily didn't want to sit with you?
Knuckles: With me? Are you deaf? She said she didn't want to sit with you!
Wario: She did not!
Knuckles: Did too!
Wario: Did not!
Knuckles: Did too!
Wario: This is bullcrap! I know you think she's hot, too.
Knuckles: Yes, but I'm not constantly flirting with her and making her more uncomfortable than a preacher around homeless people.
Wario: And that means she gets one all to herself? No fair!
Knuckles: Tell me about it. How do you think I feel? You're so wide you take up the whole damn lift!
Wario: You're just grumpy because it's too cold for your birthday suit.
Indeed, Knuckles has bundled up as much as the others. He's in a thick parka, pants, and snow boots. His eyes are covered by skiing goggles that fit his face oddly well considering his appearance.
Wario: Where the hell did you find those anyway?
Knuckles: Mew made them for me.
Wario: That figures. Lucky little bastard got to stay at the lodge and sit in the spa all day and I'm out here in this freezing weather with you lunatics.
Knuckles: Stop whining. We're almost there.
Wario: Thank god…
Wario observes his surroundings. The lift is several feet above the snowy Mt. Silver, almost at a level point where they'll be dropped off. The equipment here is all still fairly new, installed by the Elite Four at some point after Red was defeated by Gold on the summit of the mountain. Extremely powerful Pokemon are still known to leap out and attack unsuspecting tourists, not unlike a grizzly bear encounter in the Colorado Rockies. Emily is in her own lift in front of them, enjoying her relaxing and roomy ride. Mike and Misty are in the lift in front of her, where the experienced bar owner is ready to hit the slopes for the first time in nearly a year.
Misty: Remember what we talked about? No showing off, okay?
Mike: Mis, come on. Just because I was an awesome skier a long time ago, that doesn't mean I'm gonna show everyone I still got my moves. I'm far beyond that now.
They are the first to get off the lift, followed by Mike's younger sister Emily.
Emily: Breaking bricks with my bare hand is something I can do. I'm not so sure about this.
Mike: You'll be fine, Emmy. Just remember what I taught you.
Emily: "As long as you're doing better than Wario, you've made it?"
Mike: Atta girl.
Misty: I thought you used to ski with Mike all the time?
Emily: Yeah, but I may be a bit rusty. It's been a while.
The last lift approaches, and an annoyed Knuckles and a grumpy Wario hop off. They reconvene near the starting point, surrounded by skiers in every skill caliber. Some are doing flips, and others are constantly crashing into trees.
Mike: We ready, guys?
Wario: I'm ready for a hot bath and some bourbon, if that's what you mean.
Knuckles: You in a bath? First time for everything, I guess.
Wario: Oh, ha ha.
Misty: We'll be fine. It'll be fun, safe, and NO SHAMING.
Misty glares at Mike as she emphasizes her last remark. He waves his hands, rolls his eyes, and scoffs.
Mike: Please. I'm over that. I'm just here to have fun.
Mike sets off first, immediately setting an unreachable standard for the others. His impressive speed is only matched by a single vertical flip off a nearby ramp. They can hear him shouting in the distance. It's hard to tell what, but it sounds faintly like "beat that, losers."
Misty: I should have known.
She goes down the mountain next, obviously not as experienced. She's taking her time, caring more about staying off the ground than speeding to the lodge.
Emily: Don't judge me too hard, it's been a while…
Knuckles: Wouldn't dream of it.
Emily goes down next, and Knuckles and Wario are stunned. She's skiing just as fast as Mike was. She jumps off the same ramp, minus the flip. Still, it's pretty impressive.
Knuckles: Damn.
Wario: I think I'm falling in love again…
Knuckles: We both know that ain't love, Admiral Testosterone.
Wario: If you're going to insult me, at least think of a nickname that doesn't sound like it came from a 90s sitcom.
Knuckles: Whatever.
Knuckles heads down next. He's a little faster than Misty, but not much. Like her, he cares more about not falling over.
Wario: Okay Wario, just one trip down the hill, then it's off to the spa for you…
Wario sets off, skiing faster than Knuckles and Misty, but slower than Emily and Mike. He is able to catch up to Knuckles fairly quickly.
Wario: Wassa matter? Afraid of getting your fancy jacket wet?
Knuckles: Ask me again when you fall flat on your face and I'm still on my feet.
Wario: Hah! You're biting off more than you can chew, Knucklehead!
Knuckles: I'm getting pretty tired of you calling me that. Why don't you come up with something original for once?
Wario: Well, I can't use "son of a bitch" because you don't have a mom.
This seems to hit a nerve in Knuckles. He growls and furrows his eyebrows, then picks up speed to get past Wario. He skids to a halt, throwing a ton of snow all over his personal punching bag. Wario stops to dust off all the snow, the remaining flakes melting off his angrily seething face. Knuckles puts his hand to his chest in laughter.
Knuckles: I may not have parents, but I can always own you in anything we do!
Wario: Grr…
Wario picks up a clump of snow and compacts it tightly into a ball while Knuckles is distracted. He tosses it at full force, pelting the unsuspecting echidna square in the face and knocking him to the ground.
Wario: Then put your money where your mouth is, asswipe! I challenge you to a race down the Lugia Luge!
Knuckles slowly gets up, trying to balance himself on his skis without sliding further down the mountain.
Knuckles: Are you insane? That's a double black diamond trail! We'd be dead before crossing the finish line!
Wario folds his arms into wings and begins flapping them while making chicken noises.
Knuckles: That isn't gonna work. There's a difference between bravery and stupidity.
Wario: Bok bok bok bok! Ooh, I'm whittle Knuckles and I'm so afwaid of the big scawy snow swide!
Knuckles retaliates by throwing a rock-dense snowball back at Wario. Wario sputters as he wipes the snow off his face.
Knuckles: Fine, you're on! If anything to get you to shut up!
Meanwhile...
A young woman is walking down the hallway of the Mt. Silver Lodge, having just dropped off a batch of used towels in a nearby bin. She is en route to a room that has been rented out privately. Apparently its inhabitants value their privacy due to their unique nature. She approaches the door and knocks three times before opening it. Inside the room is a large hot tub resembling a hot spring, and relaxing in the warm water are a sleeping Mew and a nearly-sleeping Pikachu.
Woman: Everything okay in here?
Mika: Pika!
Mika closes her eyes and smiles in assurance. The attendant leaves the room, closing the door behind her. Mew has begun snoring, a huge grin across his face. Probably having a triple X-rated dream again.
On a side note, this conversation takes place between two Pokemon speaking in their native tongues, so imagine you're watching them talk and there are captions at the bottom, which I'll sub here.
Mika: (Mew? Mew, you awake?)
Mew: Zzzzzz...
Mika: (Mew, wake up!)
Mew: *in his sleep* (Right there, Miss Bell... oh, yeah...)
Mika groans, then grins evilly. Time to prank the prankster. Normally she'd be nice and let Mew enjoy his nap, but everyone knows sleeping in a hot tub isn't the best idea. That and his obscene sleep talking is obnoxious enough to get on anyone's nerves.
Mika uses Thundershock, and Mew is electrocuted along with the rest of the hot tub. He shrieks as he wakes up, clearly none too thrilled about his, ahem... shocking ordeal.
Mew: (The hell was that for?!)
Mika: (For a supremely intelligent psychic, you're not too bright.)
Mew: (Excuse me for enjoying a soak in a hot tub with bubbles that aren't powered by Wario!)
Mika tilts her head in confusion.
Mika: (What are you talking about?)
Mew: *sigh* (Forget it.)
Mika: (Besides, I don't think you'd be much use to Miss Bell if you're dead.)
Mew: (Wait...)
Mew realizes he's been sleep talking again. Mika bursts into laughter, but abruptly stops when she sees a somewhat angry Mew. She leaps out of the hot tub and runs out.
Mew: (Where you do you think you're going?!)
Mika: (To tell everyone about your totally embarrassing dream!)
Mew: (Oh no you don't! Get back here!)
Mew floats out of the hot tub and angrily chases Mika out of the room, into a hallway.
Lugia Luge
Mike: This is NOT a good idea.
Wario: You're one to talk about bad ideas! Riding on the wing of an airplane without a seatbelt?
Mike: I was FORCED to because all the seats were taken!
Emily is seen casually whistling in the distance.
Misty: Knuckles, why the hell did you agree to race a double black diamond against Wario?
Knuckles: He was getting on my last nerve, and I had a momentary lapse of reason.
Knuckles sighs as he awkwardly steps to the starting line. Wario waddles up next to him and grins smugly.
Wario: We'll see who's laughing when I'm drowning in adoring fans and you're snowballing into a grizzly bear!
Knuckles: We're in Johto. There are no grizzlies, dipshit.
Wario: Then what are there?
Knuckles: Just stay on the trail for once and you won't have to find out.
Wario growls at Knuckles' equally smug look. They both look towards Mike, standing alongside the starting line, clearly worried about the outcome of what is essentially two amateurs competing in a course that would make Shaun White shit his pants.
Mike: Well, it was nice knowing you guys. You ready?
Wario: Yes! Get on with it!
Knuckles: Anything to shut you up, Wario.
Mike sighs as he raises his hand, using it as a flag.
Mike: Ready... set...
He brings his arm down, signaling the start of the race.
Mike: *nonchalant* Go.
The racers set off, leaving Mike, Misty, and Emily standing at the starting line dumbfounded. They all look at each other, the same thing on their minds.
Emily: They're gonna die, aren't they.
Misty: Hopefully.
Somewhere on the course...
Wario: Hah! You can't keep up with me, you stupid red rat!
Wario, slowly and clumsily but determined, is slightly in the lead on this dangerous course. Knuckles is holding back, intent on staying alive. He figures with Wario constantly turning around to brag about a shallow victory he likely won't achieve due to severe injuries, he probably has nothing to worry about.
Knuckles: Whatever you say, wide load.
Wario begins laughing evilly, but turns his attention to the slope just in time to barely make the first turn, narrowly avoiding full contact with a tree. Knuckles is a little more prepared and is able to make the turn. He has also come pretty close to fusing himself with the overgrown twig, but a narrow miss is still a miss.
Knuckles, eager to see Wario make a complete ass of himself once again, comes up with a scheme.
Knuckles: Hey, Wario!
Wario: What?
Knuckles: This slope is even more slippery than your mom!
Wario is pissed, but you probably wouldn't guess judging his reaction.
Wario: You motherfucker!
Knuckles: So you did get the joke.
Wario: Raaaagh!
Wario decides he's going to attempt a stunt he saw in a cartoon once. Now I know you're already thinking about what a genius idea this is, but I can't be bothered by your thoughts, and neither can Wario. So, naturally, he tries pulling an extremely sharp turn to throw up several pounds of powder, hoping to hit Knuckles.
And, as you've surely guessed, it hasn't worked.
Wario falls to the ground and begins rolling down the dangerous slope. Knuckles, more than a little amused, is able to zip right past him.
Knuckles: Hah! Serves you right for making me do this!
Today, Wario is probably wishing that what happened next had been intentional. The incident in question is the snowballing of the obese Italian at an even greater velocity than he had achieved whilst properly skiing.
Knuckles: Oh shit. Not good!
Indeed. The humongous snowball collides with Knuckles. Well, "collides with" probably isn't as accurate as "absorbs." The snowball containing Knuckles and Wario continues to grow in size as it plummets down the steep mountainside, bouncing off trees while we hear the pained grunts of the ball's new residents.
At the bottom of the mountain, Mew has chased a happy Mika outside. Right when the omnipotent cat is about to pounce on the electric mouse (a cat chasing a mouse. I can't believe I JUST thought of that), Mew briefly looks over his shoulder to see the aforementioned giant snowball about ten inches from his face. It only takes about a twentieth of a second for the snowball to annex Mew, adding him to its new list of inhabitants. By now the snowball is fifteen feet in diameter, so when it hits the wall of the lodge, it crashes directly through, only stopping when it hits the room's large guest.
Knuckles, Wario, and Mew are all sitting among a pile of interior snow, dazed and confused.
Knuckles: Whoa…
Wario: Stop the ride Mommy, I wanna get off…
Mew: What the hell happened just now?
They about face as they hear the large stomps of the guest into whom they've just crashed. They slowly look up, and their faces are immediately petrified with fear.
Bowser: What did you imbeciles just do to my room!?
Wario: Oh boy.
Mew: Yikes!
Knuckles: Um…
Bowser, not in the mood for anyone's bullshit, proceeds to roast them all in place. This includes Mew, whose stunned reaction stopped him from throwing up a barrier.
In addition to the room now containing fried echidna, man, and Mew, the flames have caused all the snow to melt, and several rooms to flood. Bowser quickly realizes his mistake and roars angrily.
Bowser: That's it! I'm finally gonna kill you this time!
Knuckles: Um… no thanks. We'll be going now.
The three of them zip out of the room, leaving the seething Bowser alone.
Bowser: Good riddance.
Just then, three security staff arrive in the room.
Bowser: It's about time! Three assholes just wrecked my wall!
Security guy: Are you responsible for flooding five rooms?
Bowser: Wait, what?! No, I just breathed fire on three intruders!
Other security guy: Fire breathing, huh? Yep, this is the guy.
Security guy: You're gonna have to come with us while we wait for the cops.
Bowser: Oh, come on!
The security guys cuff Bowser, whom stares out the gaping hole in the wall at the crispy trio scurrying away.
Bowser: I really, REALLY hate those guys…
Security guy: Yeah yeah, we've heard that before…
Meanwhile…
Just outside the lodge, we see Wario, Knuckles and Mew slowly walking through the piling snow, making their way for the lobby.
Knuckles: You can't be serious.
Wario: Of course I am! We were racing for the lodge, my side of the snowball crashed through the wall, I got there first! So I win! Ha!
Knuckles: I am seriously blown away that that's your biggest concern. We just got charred by a deranged turtle with spikes and red hair!
Mew: You're a human-shaped echidna.
Knuckles: And you're an all powerful psychic talking cat.
Mew: Good point.
Wario: The only point is that I won and Knuckles lost! So take that, loser!
Knuckles: Are you really that desperate for glory or are you just trying to piss me off?
Wario: Is it working?
Knuckles: If I say yes, will you shut the hell up?
Wario: Maybe.
Knuckles: Then yes.
Wario points rudely at Knuckles.
Wario: Ha ha! You lost! I beat you! Ha ha ha!
Knuckles rubs his eyes, nursing an oncoming migraine. Could be from the impact of crashing into a hotel, could be Wario's annoying bragging.
Mew: That's all fine and dandy, but why'd you have to drag me into all this?
Knuckles: Mew, for the love of god, don't start. I'm already grumpy beyond everyone's safety level, and I don't have the patience for any stupid questions.
Wario blows a raspberry and uses his hands to make antlers by his head.
Knuckles: Take me now, Blake. I'm ready.
Wario continues to be the world's sorest "winner" as the guys trudge through the thick snow, anxiously waiting to get back indoors and reunite with the heat.
The lodge, a few hours later…
Mike, Misty, Emily, Knuckles and Wario are sitting in a circle, in what can only be described as the world's most comfortable hotel chairs. Their circle is next to a large window overlooking the mountain-blocked sunset. Mew and Mika have opted to huddle next to the nearby giant fireplace, leaving the others to warm up with hot cocoa before changing out of their snow clothes to visit the bar. At the moment, Emily is the center of attention.
Knuckles: I had no idea you could ski like that, Em! You had me thinking you'd never done it in your life before you showed us all up.
Emily blushes.
Emily: Well, Mike and I took a skiing course last winter. He's been skiing forever, and I've been learning.
Wario: Last winter? How come I don't remember this?
Mike: It was the week before the night Da Bears were supposed to do a standup routine at the bar. You know, when you totally trashed the place?
Wario: I don't have to take that from you! I just won a race on a Double Black Diamond!
Knuckles groans as he rubs his forehead.
Knuckles: For Chrissakes, Wario, if I had known you'd keep shitting out your mouth about a race neither of us finished, I'd have kept my mouth shut!
Wario: Facts are facts! I hit the wall first!
Mike: War, the idea was to SKI down the mountain. Not fall over like a complete idiot and snowball down like Daffy Duck.
Knuckles: There's no sense in reasoning with him, M. Wario's in full on dick mode.
Wario: Ah, fuck you! You're just jealous!
Misty: Of what? Your capability to induce orbit any time someone throws a small round object at you?
Emily: Your ability to come up with the most ridiculous bullcrap when you're completely out of ideas?
Mike: Your tendency to make every woman in the room rip on you at will?
Flustered, Wario leaps out of his chair and pounds his fists together, growling at the others.
Wario: Okay, that does it! Screw you guys, I'm getting a drink!
Knuckles: *sighs* I'll go get the stretcher.
Wario ignores Knuckles' last remark and angrily storms off. The girls burst into laughter, Mike has a stupid smile on his face, and Knuckles is trying to shake his residual irritation.
Meanwhile, outside Slackers…
Montague: Hey, how come this place is always closed?
Montgomery: I don't know, dude. It seems like every other time we come here, it's always closed for some inexplicable reason.
Montague: Do you think this bar ever opens?
Montgomery: Sometimes, I think. You'd think they'd care about maximizing profits by, oh I don't know, staying open!
Montague: Whoever runs this place must be very, very rich.
Montgomery: Either that or he can't seem to stay away from some kind of constant misadventure.
Montague: Maybe. We may never know.
Montgomery: Come on, let's go to Hoothoots.
The hotel bar
Wario approaches the bar, still peeved about his colleagues' refusal to agree to his victory on the slopes. He grunts as he takes a seat, and a bartender approaches him.
Bartender: What'll it be?
Wario: Beer.
Bartender: What kind of beer?
Wario: A big one.
Bartender: I can work with that. Bad day?
Wario: I guess. It really snowballed earlier today.
Bartender: I get it! You're talking about that fat guy who crashed into Bowser's room? I wish I coulda seen it! Some fat fuck pissing off Bowser? Hilarious!
Wario: That was me.
Bartender: …
Awkward.
Bartender: Um… I'll, uh… bring that beer right out.
Wario: Make it snappy, you minimum wage virgin.
The bartender shuffles away rather quickly to pour Wario's beer. He reaches as far as his arm will allow to set the drink down in front of the customer he's just pissed off.
Time passes, and no one is joining him. Without conversation, Wario is drinking more quickly than usual. By the time the next hour passes, he's already six tallboys in, teetering on the edge of drunk and wasted. As other customers filter in and out, he becomes progressively more awkward with each drink, inspiring others to make their bar visits short. A manager, alerted to Wario's degree of inebriation, approaches him.
Manager: I think you've had enough, bud.
Wario: Naaaaah! I'm just *hic* really thirsty!
Manager: Sir, you're quite drunk.
Wario: Hey, I'm not drunk, I'M drunk! So there!
Manager: … you're gonna have to leave, sir.
Wario: What! You can't kick me out! I'm a paying consumator!
Manager: Customer.
Wario: Same thing!
Wario downs the rest of his half full glass before slamming it down on the table. His judgment may be impaired, but he's clearly received the hint.
Wario: Fine, I'm gone! Hard ass.
Manager: Just go back to your room and sleep it off.
Wario: Yeah, yeah…
The fat, mustachioed Italian grumpily rises from his seat, grunting as he tries to regain his balance. He rotates his neck in an ill-fated attempt to sober up before reaching to touch his toes, subconsiously letting out a waft.
Manager: Ugh! Shit! Motherf-
The manager covers his nose, his sense of smell nearly shot by the toxic fumes from Wario's ass.
Manager: Get the hell out of here!
Wario wobbles away from the bar area, trying to make out the signs leading to his room. Along the way, he sees a peculiar looking guy wearing slacks, a de-rezzed purple and blue checkered blazer, and a huge wide-brimmed hat. (Bonus points if you correctly guess where he's from!)
Stan: You! Mister!
Wario swiftly looks around, then over to the salesman. He points a finger to his own chest.
Wario: Me?
Stan: Yeah, you! You look like an intuitive guy with a lot of ambition! Can I have just a second of your time?
Wario: Buzz off, I'm going to bed.
Stan: Fine. I was gonna tell you how you could become wealthy beyond your wildest dreams with incredible ease, but I'll just pass my offer onto the next-
Wario: Whoa whoa whoa. Wait. Wealthy beyond my wildest dreams?
The salesman grins as he leans on his folding table. It's covered with a white tablecloth, and a large display board stands behind him. As he gets closer, Wario is able to see a bit more clearly.
Wario: "WorldVentures...?"
Stan: Bingo.
Wario: We're playing bingo?
Stan: No, what we're doing is even easier and even luckier than bingo!
Wario raises and eyebrow and rubs his chin.
Wario: No offense, but this seems really shady. I don't even know what you're selling.
Stan: My dear entrepreneur, it's not a scheme! It's a brilliant startup created by an economic genius. He began this business as a way to pass onto others some of life's grandest wonders!
Wario: You mean boobies and crack?
Stan: Uh... no. That's not—nevermind. No, I'm talking about vacations!
Wario folds his arms.
Stan: Imagine being able to sell someone a product that made them enormously happy. They'd be willing to buy it from you in a heartbeat, no matter what the cost! Your customers would be getting what they want, and you would be earning commissions you'd never dreamed possible!
Wario: ... I'm listening.
Stan: You'd be selling memberships to WorldVentures! The more you sell, the more you earn and the more you rise in our rewards program!
Wario: Rewards?
Stan: Oh yes! See for yourself!
The salesman shows Wario pictures of custom wallets, phone cases, flasks, and even a BMW 5-series.
Wario: Whoa, wait. What's this?
Stan: That's just the icing on the cake, my friend! You could find yourself earning a free BMW simply by selling our vacation packages!
Wario: Huh. This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm definitely intrigued. What's it gonna cost me, though?
Stan: Why, next to nothing, good sir! All you have to do is pay a measly upfront cost of $1000 to purchase a license to sell our packages, along with monthly payments of $100. Considering you could sell thousands of dollars per week in vacations, you'd become rich beyond your wildest dreams!
Wario: And if people don't want to buy vacations through me?
Stan: Then you sell licenses to sell these vacations! It's very simple!
Wario stares off into space and begins having a daydream in which he's cruising along a foreign highway on his way to Monte Carlo, his BMW full of bikini-clad women begging for his attention. He is able to toss them hundred dollar bills like nothing, because he's just that filthy stinking rich.
When we fade back to reality, we see a totally mesmerized, drooling Wario. The salesman has to snap him out of his fantasy.
Stan: Well? What do you say?
Wario: Boobies...
Stan: ... I'll take that as a yes. Welcome to WorldVentures, Mister...?
Wario: Uh, Wario!
Stan: Mr. Wario, you will not be disappointed!
Wario: Money...
Meanwhile, in a hotel room...
Knuckles: I suddenly feel the urge to go find Wario and punch him in the face.
Mike: Why?
Knuckles: Just a feeling.
Mike: Hm.
Slackers, the following afternoon...
The front door to our favorite bar opens, and a red echidna casually walks through the door, met with his customary greeting.
Knuckles: Evening, everybody.
Everyone: Knuuux!
Knuckles makes his way over to the bar, on his way to see Mike, polishing a Pilsner glass.
Mike: Well, what's the good word, Mr. Echidna?
Knuckles: I can think of plenty of words, and none of them are particularly good.
Mike: So you're having a pretty normal day, then?
Knuckles: If by normal you mean a day full of headaches and a constant sense of anxiety due to too many wacky adventures with you and Wario, then yeah.
Mike: Yep. Sounds pretty normal to me.
Mike pours Knuckles his regular glass of Cabernet, which he promptly serves to his favorite customer.
Knuckles: Where the hell is Wario?
Mike: I have no idea. He said he'd have some big news for us once he got here.
Knuckles: What do you think it is? You think he's finally learned how to act like he's older than, oh, I don't know, five?
Mike: I'd be satisfied with four, honestly.
Knuckles: Ain't that the truth.
A few feet away on the bar's north wall, the lounge door opens, and the resident Pokemon emerges, flying for the bar.
Mew: *yawns* Did I miss anything?
Mike: What would there be to miss?
Knuckles: Do you really have to ask that question?
Mew: Especially considering all the crazy shit we've all been through in the last year alone?
Mike: I don't know what you're talking about. It all feels like a twelve-month-long nightmare to me.
Knuckles: At some point, you're gonna have to accept that our reality is pretty screwed up, M.
Mike: Yeah, I guess you're right. We just need to get through each day and make the best of it.
Mike sets the glass down and folds his arms.
Mike: I'm gonna do my best to make today a decent one. A fresh start.
Mew: Pfft. Good luck.
Mike: I'm serious! Whatever happens, I'm gonna make sure I don't have a shitty day for once! I'm feeling rigorous and determined! I possess a steadfast iron will and unbreakable optimism! Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, can threaten to undo my mighty iron strength!
Wario bursts through the door, looking even cockier than he did when he almost won the Super Bowl.
Wario: Have no fear! Your idol is finally here!
Knuckles slaps his forehead as Mike lets out a long, disappointed sigh.
Mike: Great...
Mew: That didn't take long.
Mike: Don't remind me...
Wario struts over the bar looking pleased with himself.
Mike: Well? What's the "big announcement?"
Wario: Mike, Knuckles, you're looking at a genius entrepreneur with a deal just for you!
Knuckles: What the hell are you talking about?
Wario: Well, back at the resort, I spoke with someone who changed my life forever...
Mike: This oughta be good...
One explanation later...
As we see an exterior shot of the Slackers building, we hear a rather obvious sentence spoken from a rather sarcastic customer.
Knuckles: You unbelievably stupid, morbidly obese ignoramus.
Wario: What?
Knuckles: I knew you weren't the smartest wonton on the pu pu platter, but this is undoubtedly the single stupidest thing you've EVER done.
Wario clearly looks more than a little offended.
Wario: I don't see YOU going out of your way to make the best of an investment opportunity!
Knuckles: Investment?! You just got yourself suckered into a fucking pyramid scheme!
Wario: ... say what?
Knuckles: This guy sold you a "license" to sell licenses! You're spending what is essentially a car payment on a product 99.99% of anyone alive is too smart to buy into! You're getting absolutely nothing out of this!
Wario: ...
Knuckles: I'm honestly shocked at your disturbing lack of common sense and intelligence.
Wario: Oh, what do you know? Mike, back me up here!
Mike rubs his eyes and groans.
Mike: War, I've known you for a long time. I've seen you do some pretty unusual things over the years. Now please. Please tell me this is all a joke.
Wario: No...?
Mike scoffs as his jaw drops.
Mike: I... I don't know what to say, man. I feel like stating the obvious won't get me anywhere.
Wario: But it's a great opportunity to get rich! And quick!
Mike: "Get rich quick." Now why does that sound familiar?
Mike rubs his chin, staring into space. Knuckles rubs his eyes, shaking his damn head.
Knuckles: Okay, Wario. Let me ask you something.
Wario: Seeing as you're gonna ask anyway, whether I want you to or not, you might as well...
Knuckles still can't bear to open his eyes.
Knuckles: This "WorldVentures" shit. Where is the most popular vacation spot? Which destination is sold more than any of the others?
Wario: ... Egypt. Why?
Knuckles: And what is Egypt famous for?
Wario: Terrorism?
Mike facepalms hard.
Mike: God almighty...
Knuckles: ... no. Guess again.
Wario: Um... the pyramids?
Knuckles: And how many levels of membership are there in this company?
Wario: Three.
Knuckles finally looks up and opens his eyes before he takes his hands and holds them in front of Wario. He uses them to make the shape of a triangle.
Knuckles: See this? Three sides. Three memberships. Pyramid. Like Egypt.
Wario: What the hell are you getting at?
Knuckles: You start with one guy at the top, selling memberships to complete idiots like yourself. Each idiot sells more memberships to more idiots. It's a constant idiot cycle of selling a useless product by suckering someone into thinking they can get rich quick.
Wario's eyes widen as he begins to understand the mistake he's made.
Wario: And you're telling me I let myself get suckered by a goddamn con artist?!
Knuckles: It's okay Wario, we know it wasn't your fault. You can't help how stupid you are.
Wario: That dirty, double-crossing douchebag! He scammed me!
Mike: Brilliant deduction, Professor Peabrain.
A fire lights in Wario's eyes. He clenches his fists as he growls angrily.
Wario: No one tricks Wario Wario and lives!
Mike: Except for that guy on Mt. Silver.
Knuckles: And Mew.
Wario: That guy's fuckin' dead! I won't rest until I make him pay for making me look like an idiot!
Knuckles: If he's paying for that, we're all gonna be billionaires.
Wario ignores Knuckles' last remark as he angrily turns his way and stomps for the front door. He leaves the bar, slamming the door behind him. Mike covers his eyes with his hand.
Mike: I've got a bad feeling about this...
Later...
There isn't a whole lot to be said about Wario's Brownstone in Koopas. So far all we've seen here is his attempt to practice dating with Mew in disguise, which in and of itself was awkward enough. The place isn't a castle by any means, but it's oddly enough for Wario. There are three floors, but it's pretty rare for him to go upstairs. His bedroom is on the second floor, and the third floor is used for hoarding storage. Wario tends to sleep in his recliner, which has come to shape his fat ass perfectly over the many years of sitting in it, drinking beer and playing Grand Theft Auto.
The walls are lined with numerous treasures. Old habits die hard as he has a framed newspaper clipping documenting the first heist he took with Waluigi. He also has Mario's prized Star Rod, several golden Rupees, the deed to his castle just outside the Mushroom Kingdom, and the NFC trophy he was able to swipe from the New Donk Giants just before the Super Bowl game he was supposed to play before his heart attack. One might think such possessions would cause anyone walking through the front door to beam with delight, but such is not the case today.
Today, the door flies open, revealing a sullen-looking Wario, probably feeling just as stupid as he looks, plotting his revenge against the con artists at WorldVentures for making him throw his money away and causing him to become even more of a laughingstock among his peers than he already had been. He slams the door, groans, and struts over to his trusty recliner. He takes a seat and reaches for his trusty Kegerator, pouring himself a rather large beer and kicking his shoes off his feet.
Wario: No time to relax, Wario. Got me some vengeance to plot.
As he talks to himself, he reaches over the left side of his chair for his laptop. He opens it and sighs as he prepares a video call. The speakers ring, and a scrawny guy with a large mustache and a purple hat answers the call.
Waluigi: Wario? What the hell do you need this time?
Wario: Wally, some asshole tricked me out of my money, and I need your help!
Waluigi: Stop calling me Wally.
Wario: Whatever.
Waluigi: Wait, did you say you got tricked out of your money?
Wario: Yes! I can't let them get away with it!
Waluigi, still annoyed by the nickname he hates, shows no restraint in letting out uncontrollable laughter.
Wario: Shut up!
Waluigi: Oh man, this is priceless! You HAVE to tell me what happened!
Wario: No way!
Waluigi: You JUST said you needed my help. How the hell am I supposed to help you if I don't know what it is I'm supposed to help you with?
Wario: ... huh?
Waluigi: God, you're stupid.
Wario: Shut the hell up, Wally!
Waluigi: Just calm the hell down, and tell me what happened.
Wario sighs and takes a deep breath.
One explanation later... again... (spoiler alert: you're gonna see this transitional sentence quite a bit from here on out)
Waluigi: WAHahahahahahahaha!
Wario: It's not freakin' funny!
Waluigi: You let yourself fall for a PYRAMID SCHEME?!
Wario: That's besides the point! This guy had some kind of otherworldly power, I just know it!
Waluigi: Yeah, it's called having a brain! A scam? Really? How could you do this to our family?!
Wario: Look, are you gonna help me get this asshole back or not?
Waluigi's laughter finally begins to subside as he wipes the tears from his eyes.
Waluigi: Alright, I'll help you, but only because I hate con artists just as much as you do! If it had been anything else I'd let you stay there and learn your damn lesson!
Wario: Whatever happened to brotherly love? The bond we share as next of kin?
Waluigi shakes his head and looks at Wario sickingly.
Waluigi: What the hell happened to you, man?
Wario: *scratches his head* You're right, I don't know what came over me. But still, no one steals from a Wario and gets away with it!
Waluigi: Now that, I can agree on. What'd you have in mind?
Wario: Meet me at Slackers tonight, we'll come up with a plan then.
Waluigi: Alright. But after this, you're responsible for getting yourself out of these situations, you idiot.
Wario: Whatever you say, Wally.
Waluigi: Grr...
Slackers, that night...
(Author's note: At this point, I've been working on this script for months. In the past, I was able to knock one of these out in a week, tops. I keep getting distracted and can't really think of any quality material. Then again, I suppose quality is in the eye of the beholder. The "Right, Left" jokes in Episode 12 probably weren't quality, but hell, it was still entertaining to me. Anyway. I'm gonna segue way into a familiar scene, Knuckles entering the bar, my parody of Norm from Cheers, and just see where this takes me. Thanks for resisting the urge to nuke my lazy ass. Spankety, spankety, spankety.)
The front door to the bar opens, and a familiar red echidna arrives on the scene.
Everyone: Knuuuux!
Knuckles subtly nods at everyone as he calmly walks to the bar.
Mike: How are the burns, buddy?
Knuckles tilts his head in confusion.
Knuckles: What burns?
Mike: You know, when you got fried to a crisp by Bowser at the resort. You still have a big welt on your shoulder.
Knuckles: Huh?
He looks at his shoulder. Mike quickly pulls out a Nerf gun and takes his shot at the distracted echidna, hitting him on the forehead. Knuckles flinches and swings at nothing in particular before looking around frantically.
Mike: How gullible ARE you?
Sonic decides to chime in from a nearby table.
Sonic: Well, he did manage to get himself fooled by Eggman something like three times...
Knuckles storms to the table and clocks Sonic in the face, knocking him over. Mike is standing nearby, looking rather smug, blowing at the barrel of his dart gun in a cheap way of trying to look like a cool cowboy.
Knuckles: And you!
Mike: Eh?
Knuckles turns to face Mike as Sonic slowly crawls back into his chair.
Knuckles: Would it kill you to get through just ten minutes of not being a complete imbecile?
Mike: The last time I took something seriously, I ended up in a ruined spaceship crushed by a giant brain monster. Abandoned by my comrades, I might add.
Knuckles: You have nothing to complain about! You weren't the one who had to endure the wrath of Misty!
Sonic: "Hellfire" is more like it.
Mike: Need I remind you that enduring Misty's wrath... excuse me, hellfire... was something you could have avoided by, I don't know, NOT leaving me behind?!
Knuckles: For the fifteen billionth time, we thought you were dead.
Mike: And what exactly gave you that indication?
Knuckles: Let's see. You were fighting a huge psychotic all-powerful monkey brain deep within a planet's core, and we saw massive explosions the likes of which would make an A-bomb insecure, leading us to believe it would seem fairly unlikely anyone could survive that.
Mike: Alright, alright. Point taken. Jesus, it's like debating with a geology teacher.
Sonic: Well, he DOES live on an island that floats miles above the ground because of an all-powerful gem his family is sworn to protect.
Knuckles: We're getting off topic. Can we PLEASE get back to the story?
Wario and Waluigi promptly enter the bar.
Mike: Assuming Wario and Waluigi promptly entering the bar will make the story progress, then I suppose.
Wario: What the hell are you talking about?
Mike: Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure you'd need more than two brain cells to understand.
Wario: Enough with the dumb jokes! I actually preferred being called "fat ass!"
Knuckles: Alright. You're fat AND stupid. That better?
Wario: Grr...
Waluigi: Why are you all friends, again?
Mike: Okay, no need to recycle lines like that.
Knuckles: Now that, I was not expecting.
Mike shoots Knuckles with his Nerf gun again, causing Knuckles to panic and fall out of his seat. The echidna rubs his head and groans.
Knuckles: Okay, I had that coming...
He slowly climbs back into his seat, and looks over his shouder at Wario and Waluigi, standing behind him.
Mike: Anyway. Wario, Waluigi. What's going on?
Wario: We're getting revenge on the con artist and his con artist crew, and you're helping us.
Mike: Excuse me?
Knuckles: No way! You got yourself into this mess, you should get out of it yourself.
Wario: I wouldn't be so quick to ignore me, Knucklehead.
Knuckles: *rolls eyes* And why is that?
Wario: I've got enough dirt on both of you guys to get you to help me no matter what.
Knuckles: You can't scare me!
Wario: Are you sure about that?
Knuckles: Go ahead and try me, garlic breath!
Wario: Okay, then I guess you won't mind if I tweet about Rouge tying you up with leather straps.
Knuckles' face turns as red as his skin. Mike has a weird feeling: he wants to laugh, but he is too stunned, almost nauseated, to indicate any sort of reaction. Wario folds his arms and smirks.
Knuckles: ... I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
Wario pulls out his phone and visibly opens the Twitter app. Instinctively, Knuckles kicks the phone out of Wario's hands, confirming his fear.
Knuckles: Goddammit Wario...
His head sinks. He has been defeated by a fat Italian who fell for a pyramid scheme.
Wario: Mike? What say you?
Mike: Considering you knew that about Knuckles, I'm suddenly thinking about all of our drunk conversations that would definitely be embarrassing if they were leaked.
Waluigi: Don't mind me, I'm just here to watch...
Knuckles: And I suddenly feel entitled, given that Wario's mouth is as big as his gut.
Mike: How about we just skip ahead to the part where I begrudgingly agree to go with you?
Wario: Good call, schoolboy.
Mike: Wario, I'm getting really, REALLY tired of you calling me that.
Knuckles: I still want to know why he does, and why it pisses you off so much.
Wario: As long as Mike is going with us to take down WorldVentures, my lips are sealed.
Waluigi: There's a refreshing change.
Wario: Shut up, Wally!
Waluigi scowls at Wario.
Mike: So what's the plan?
Wario: Plan? We go back to Mt. Silver, find the little shit that took my money, rob him, and beat him to a pulp!
Knuckles: *rolls eyes* Didn't see that coming...
Wario: You have a problem?
Mike: I think what Knuckles means to say is that's not really gonna get anything done. Beating up one salesman won't mean anything if that organization is still out there scamming people.
Waluigi: He has a point, War.
Wario: Then what do you suggest?
Mike: We need to find out where these assholes are headquartered and take down the entire operation.
Knuckles: Isn't that a bit excessive?
Mike: Why should it be? We've taken down an entire Venomian army and run the world's biggest crime syndicate out of their secret base. I think we can handle a few measly schemers.
Waluigi: I can work with that. So where do we start?
Mike: First things first. We need to locate the WorldVentures HQ.
Wario: That shouldn't be too hard to find.
Plano, Texas. The Mirror Universe.
In a distant land there lies an office. Mind you, for this is no ordinary office, although you might guess so if you were to gaze upon its ghastly and dull appearance. From the outside, it looks like most offices within Plano, a suburb of Dallas that is known for being the home of multiple Fortune 500 companies. A city of commerce if there ever was one in the holy land of cowboys and barbecue.
Once inside, visitors are only welcomed by drab grey walls, elevator music playing over speakers—most of which appear to be working poorly—and a reception desk with a directory gracing the wall behind it. The receptionist is a woman, seemingly in her late forties and a far cry from cheerful, clearly exhausted from the throngs of angry customers duped by their organization. Perhaps she was one such sucker whose job was acquired by, shall we say, unconventional means.
We may never know. You certainly won't.
Nevertheless, her grumpy demeanor is somewhat affected by the arrival of four strange looking individuals. She adjusts her rectangular glasses and takes a good look up and down. After all, it's not often when two of the visitors are cartoonishly proportioned and one appears to be a giant walking alien.
Receptionist: Uh... can I help you?
Mike: Yeah, we'd like to speak to—
Mike's calm greeting is swiftly interrupted by an angry Wario slamming his hands on the desk.
Wario: I need to see the guy in charge! You bastards scammed me and I demand retribution!
The receptionist blinks, wandering if someone really did spit on her glasses because of his close proximity. That doesn't faze her nearly as badly as his abominable halitosis.
Receptionist: Mr. Nugent is unavailable to speak to the public. You can make an appointment, but only if you're a paying member of our organization.
Wario: I am a member, goddammit! That's why I'm here! Now let me speak to Mr. Noogie!
Knuckles covers his face, groaning.
Receptionist: Alright, let me check... *dryly* sir...
She fervently types on her computer as Wario impatiently taps his foot. Mike leans in to whisper to Knuckles.
Mike: So much for a calm, amicable request...
Knuckles: Not like we have much of a choice.
Mike: Leather straps, huh?
Knuckles: Shut your face or I'll break your teeth.
Mike: You're no fun.
The receptionist finishes typing, and she lets out an exasperated sigh as she begrudgingly acknowledges Wario.
Receptionist: Okay, so I can get you an appointment. However, the earliest one is four months from now.
Wario: Four months?! Are you fucking kidding me?!
Mike: War, just take the damn appointment.
Wario: No! I believed them the last time they promised me something and look where that got us!
Knuckles: I'm starting to wonder if it was worth tagging along.
Mike: We should be thankful we can score any appointment at all.
Wario groans and rolls his eyes.
Wario: Fine. I'll wait.
Receptionist: Alright, I'll set it for you. You will, of course, need to maintain your $100 monthly membership in order to keep the appointment.
Wario looks like he is about to strangle someone.
Wario: That does it! I'm gonna storm up to his office and see him right now!
Receptionist: Have fun doing that with the police on their way.
Wario: What are they gonna do? Read me my Miranda rights? Tase me? Drop their drooly donut crumbs on me? I've been attacked by creatures the likes of which you can't even dream about!
Mike: He has a point, ma'am.
Receptionist: The police are notoriously efficient. They can make you disappear in seconds and no one will remember who you are.
Waluigi: Ouch.
Wario: Why you—!
Wario leans in to punch her, but the others, including Waluigi, aren't stupid enough not to realize that punching a woman in glasses is not a good idea. Knuckles grabs Wario's arm to keep it back as Mike and Waluigi restrain the rest of him.
Mike: Our apologies, miss, you'll have to forgive our friend here. He's whipped by his girlfriend and has a tiny penis so he's always angry.
Wario: After I get this bitch and Mr. Nooger, you're next, Mike!
Receptionist: ...
Knuckles: We'll see ourselves out now.
Receptionist: See that you do.
Knuckles: Right. Come on, Wario.
Mike and Knuckles each grab one of Wario's arms as Waluigi stands to face him and keep a hand on his chest. Wario is still completely enraged as the three drag him out kicking and screaming.
Wario: No! Let me at 'em! This isn't over! I will have my revenge!
Knuckles: Ugh...
Mike: Come on, we'll figure out another plan. Let's just get out of here before we have yet another nuclear cataclysm on our hands.
The receptionist merely sighs and runs her hands through her hair. A pissed off lunatic being forcibly removed by either his friends of the police? Just another day at the office.
Later that evening...
A couple of hours after midnight, the reception area of the same office skyscraper is eerily quiet. A cricket can be heard stuck in a vent somewhere, probably wondering why it's suddenly hurricane season for him. Being that it's Plano, it's more than a little warm outside, so the central city-multi air conditioning system is on basically all hours of the day and night. Apart from this usual nocturnal urban ambience, it appears nothing is going on here. Anyone could safely rest within the confines of this building feeling fully assured that things won't go horribly, horribly wrong in a few minutes.
And a few minutes later, four individuals dressed in all black, their features completely concealed, can be seen crowding outside a window into one of the smaller offices, preparing to take their next course of action.
Knuckles: *groans* I can't believe I let you guys talk me into this.
Waluigi: You should know by now that anytime you talk to my brother willingly, you risk shit like this.
Wario: Focus! We need to remember why we're here!
Mike: Hide and seek?
Wario: No, you idiot! We're here to take this evil corporation down!
Knuckles: Since when have you been an advocate for fighting evil?
Wario: Since they stole my goddamn money!
Knuckles: At least it's better than Wario-Man...
Mike: Calm down, War. Let's just get this over with so we can get out of here and go home. I'm tired!
Wario: Whine, whine, whine... ugh...
Mike furnishes a tool which he hands to Wario. The victim of this most heinous crime takes it and slowly begins cutting into the window, taking care to form a circle wide enough for even himself to pass through.
Knuckles: Are we trying to escort a cruise ship through this window?
Wario: Shut up!
The circular insicion is completed, and Wario punches the cleanly-cut window through, allowing them easy passage into the small office. All four of them carefully enter the building before huddling in a circle to go over the plan.
Mike: Alright, everyone remember their jobs?
Waluigi: I remember that summer I spent rolling burritos at minimum wage.
Wario: Are you seriously that stupid?
Mike: He's messing with us, Wario.
Wario growls and rolls his eyes, attempting to ignore his brother's smirk.
Wario: The plan, once more. Wally and I bust into the safe in the basement to take back all the money these greedy assholes pilfered from honest, hardworking individuals.
Knuckles: *sarcastically* Like yourself?
Wario: Yep!
Knuckles: Just checking.
Wario: While we're doing that, you and Mike go from office to office shredding any document you can find. We need their entire business to collapse to prevent further economic ruin.
Mike: So all Knux and I have to do is destroy as many documents as possible? That doesn't sound very fun.
Wario: I know your idea of fun, and if you want me to keep it to myself, you'll do what I tell you!
Mike: *grumbles* Yes, sir...
Wario: Everyone good?
Knuckles: Yep.
Waluigi: Mhm.
Wario: Okay. Synchronize watches!
Wario looks at the watch on his left wrist. He then looks around the room and sees no one else has watches.
Wario: Anytime, guys!
Mike: You never said we'd need watches.
Wario: What are you talking about? Of course I did!
Knuckles: ... no, you definitely didn't.
Wario: Are you kidding me? So no one has watches?
Waluigi: Why would we need watches?
Wario: So we all have the same time! Haven't any of you ever seen a spy movie?!
Mike: Why would we need that? There's clocks all over and our phones are all synchronized automatically.
Wario: FINE. Synchronize PHONES!
Mike: I JUST told you, they sync automatically.
Wario: Ugh! It's like planning a field trip with a bunch of three year olds!
Waluigi: Look, we all have the right time, but there won't be much left if we keep standing here arguing instead of doing what we came here to do!
Wario groans as Mike and Knuckles sigh.
Mike: He's right. Let's get this done and get out so I can go home and drink.
Wario: Good! Ready?
Wario extends a hand between the group, hoping for one of those "everybody raises their hands in the middle of a circle" things they do on sports teams. The others, naturally, stand there and stare at him.
Wario: You guys suck.
The top floor
We pan slowly down a dark, deserted corridor. We can see the skyline of Plano through the windows, the only thing illuminating the scenery. At the end of the hall lies a door to the stairwell, which slowly opens before a shaggy-haired individual peeks his head out.
Mike: I think we're clear.
Knuckles: You sure?
Mike: Unless this hallway's inhabited by ghosts, yep.
They exit the stairwell and slowly meander down the hall, keeping vigilant for any disturbances. Mike gets a glance of the skyline and is mesmerized.
Mike: Whoa.
Knuckles: What?
Mike: Check it out.
Knuckles: It's a city. So what?
Mike: No duh it's a city. Still, there's something about this view.
Knuckles: What, are you gonna tell me this is vaguely familiar, too? Something from a dream or vision? Alternate life?
Mike: Something like that. I got a similar feeling from that mural on the other side of the Bethesda wormhole.
Knuckles: Well, now we know God exists, maybe you can ask him why you're having these weird episodes of deja vu.
Mike: As long as we don't bring Wario.
Knuckles: Naturally.
They progress further down the hallway and get to a large pair of doors.
Knuckles: This looks important.
Mike: You think it's the boss's office?
Knuckles: Only one way to find out.
Mike: Read the sign?
Knuckles: No! Bust in!
Knuckles prepares to kick down the door, but Mike grabs his arm, accidentally causing Knuckles to trip and collapse on the floor. He can't help but snicker.
Knuckles: What the hell, man?
Mike: I was being serious! There's a sign right here!
He points to the sign on the wall that reads "Wayne Nugent, CEO."
Knuckles: Then it wouldn't have mattered if I'd busted in the door or not!
Mike: What do you mean?
Knuckles: If we're trying to take down this operation, we gotta start from the top and work our way down.
Mike: I guess that makes sense. Even though I know you're just looking for an excuse to bust open the-
Knuckles busts open the door with his right foot.
Mike: ... door...
It only takes a quick look inside the large, decorated office for an uncomfortable feeling to wash over them both. Something definitely feels off about this place. The walls are covered in trophies, certificates, diplomas, and weird astronomical maps. Mike and Knuckles look around, puzzled looks on their faces.
Mike: I've got a bad feeling about this.
Knuckles: Any reason to use that line, huh?
Mike: *shrugs* Can't be helped.
Knuckles: What the hell does Nugent keep all this weird stuff around for, anyway?
Voice: That will become quite clear momentarily.
When you think you're alone in a quiet room in the middle of the night, you tend to get a little freaked out when you realize someone else is here. Instinctively, Mike leaps into Knuckles' arms like something out of a cartoon.
Mike: Yipe!
The large office chair behind the room's desk slowly rotates, revealing a middle aged man in a suit, his arms propped against each other and his fingers touching in a triangular, sinister fashion.
The vault
The WorldVentures vault really is impressive. Millions upon millions of dollars of suckers' funds lie tucked away in here, the ultimate collection of treasures and rewards from scamming countless would-be entrepreneurs. At this point, a few hundred of these dollars were once Wario's, and he is hell-bent on taking back what he claims is rightfully his. It's a good thing he's an honest, hard-working, and caring individual who absolutely won't attempt to take the countless other funds that were never his own.
The door to the vault explodes, filling the room with green dust. No, none of the money was incinerated. The color's source becomes clear once Wario enters the vault through the new hole, with his brother in tow, coughing like he has TB.
Wario: *sighs* Ah, the Wario Waft! Works on everything!
Waluigi: *coughs* Especially my now-compromised immune system! *coughs*
Wario: Oh, don't be such a baby. Look at all this money!
Waluigi: *coughs* Yeah, money, great. Let's just get yours and get the hell out of here!
Wario: Oh no! I'm not leaving these asswipes with a single cent! We're taking it all!
Waluigi: How the hell do you expect us to carry this kind of cash?
Wario: We have a Mew, we'll just have him teleport it!
Waluigi: Mew isn't here, dumbass!
Wario, strangely enough, shuts up.
Waluigi: Besides, if anyone's in this building, they definitely know we're here now because of your nuclear biohazard fart.
Wario chooses to ignore Waluigi's insult and immediately begins stuffing his pockets with as much cash as he can.
Wario: Don't just stand there, help me rob these pricks!
Waluigi, with nothing better to do, complies and begins stuffing his pockets as well.
Waluigi: This is not a good idea.
Wario: Less talky, more stealy!
Waluigi groans.
Waluigi: At least the others are surely having an easier time...
The top floor
Cutting to the chase, Knuckles drops Mike like a sack of bricks, causing him to land on his ass.
Mike: Ow...
While Mike tends to his rectal "injury," Knuckles looks over at the skeezy businessman sitting at the chair in front of him.
Knuckles: You must be Ted Nugent.
Nugent: WAYNE Nugent.
Knuckles rapidly shakes his head and smirks.
Knuckles: My bad, I was thinking of the OTHER stupid Nugent.
Nugent: You might want to be careful with that attitude, you little freak. What the hell are you supposed to be, anyway?
Knuckles: I'm an Angellian Echidna.
Nugent: Weird. You look like you're some kind of Pokemon.
Mike: THANK you!
A deep nerve is definitely hit as Knuckles begins growling.
Knuckles: Whose side are you on?!
Mike: Yours! But I've always told you that you look like a Pokemon! Remember how we met?
Knuckles: Don't remind me.
Nugent: Enough of this nonsense. What are you doing here?
Mike: We could ask you the same thing, pal. It's 2 in the morning!
Nugent: I'm always here.
Knuckles: Always?
Mike: You mean, you live here?
Nugent: Well... not exactly.
Knuckles: So you have a house and you just spend all your time here?
Nugent: You could say that. But I wouldn't.
Mike: I'm so confused...
In a clumsy moment, Mike's foot slips as he attempts to get up, and he falls back to the floor. In a sense, he hurt himself in his confusion.
Mike: Dammit!
Knuckles desperately tries not to laugh by fixing his gaze on the confusing businessman.
Knuckles: Why are you doing this? Why are you taking advantage of so many people with this program?
Nugent: Because Americans are stupid, and they'll believe any good news you throw their way. So what if they have to pay just a little to be a part of something truly great?
Knuckles: There's no way even you feel this whole thing is "truly great."
Nugent: Maybe, maybe not. But the facts remain-I have a lot of money taken from a lot of really stupid people as a result.
As if on cue, Wario and Waluigi charge into the office. Wario's pockets are about a hundred times bigger than before, dragging on the floor beside him, full of as much money as he can carry.
Nugent: It appears I was more right than I thought.
Mike: What do you mean?
Nugent: Someone would have to be incredibly, indisputably stupid in order to think about robbing me.
Wario: Robbing?! YOU robbed ME! I'm taking my money back and I'd like to see you stop me!
Nugent: With pleasure.
Waluigi: Uh-oh.
A bright light begins to shine around Nugent before fully engulfing him. The guys have to shield their eyes for a moment. When the light dims, a creature three times the size of the businessman they had been arguing with is hovering in front of them. He has large, draconic wings, scaly skin, and a long, slithery tongue.
Wario: Gross!
Nugent: Told you. You have no idea what you're dealing with.
Knuckles: Nice going, wide load.
Wario: How the hell was I supposed to know he was actually an evil shape shifting demon?!
Nugent: I'm not a demon, I'm an alien.
Mike: What kind of alien are you supposed to be?!
Nugent: I'm a Scambiyoid. We come from the planet Scambiyess.
Wario puts his hand to his chin, deep in thought.
Wario: Hm... let's see... Scambiyess... Scam... bi... yess... *gasps* You're from a planet that forces people to binge watch The Bachelor! You foul monster!
Knuckles: *facepalms* You fucking idiot...
Mike: Wario, it's Scam BS. He scammed you over a BS scheme. It's what his kind does!
Waluigi: That sounded dangerously close to a racist slur, M.
Mike: It's not racist! That's actually what they do! Just like how we breathe in oxygen and breathe out CO2!
Waluigi: That sounds even worse!
Mike: *groans* Noogie, back me up here!
Nugent: Yep. That's what we do.
Mike: See? SEE?! NOT racist! Statement of fact!
Knuckles: Can we please put the political appeasement aside for two seconds so we can deal with this alien?
Wario: That's what I've been saying! Let's kill it!
Nugent: Oh, but Wario, you haven't even heard the deal I'm willing to offer you!
Wario raises an eyebrow.
Wario: Deal?
Nugent: *nods* Oh yes. How would you like to keep all that money in your pocket and come work for me? Your room and board here at WorldVentures would only cost you 50 dollars per month, and you would be able to decide commission percentages for every person you sell a license to!
Wario: Really?
Mike slaps Wario upside the head.
Mike: Goddammit Wario, stay focused!
Wario rapidly shakes his head and growls.
Wario: You're right! No deal, you demonic dick!
Mike: Gross...
Nugent readies himself into a combat stance, a small ball of fire beginning to form inside his hand.
Nugent: Then you leave me no choice.
He lets out a high-pitched demonic roar, rapidly charges up his fireball, and throws it at Wario.
Wario: Yikes!
He jumps out of the way just in time, narrowly avoiding being fried by fire for the second time in a single episode. Sometimes I'm amazed that I'm still on the same one as the whole ski trip thing. It's been like eight months since I started this. I must be getting really lazy.
Editor: GET ON WITH IT! *shocks author with a cattle prod*
Ow... geez... anyway, sorry about that. Back to the story. Um, let's see. Oh yeah, Wario just avoided getting fried, and Nugent is flying around the room wreaking havoc and trying to kill our band of heroes (if they can be called as much).
Nugent: Stop moving so I can roast you!
Mike: No thanks!
Nugent tosses another fireball at Mike, and while he is able to jump out of the fireball's way, he faceplants directly into Nugent's desk, slowly sliding down to the floor. His face sliding makes a hilarious squeaking noise. Again, like something out of a cartoon.
Knuckles: Ouch.
Wario: What kind of demonic business is this?!
Nugent: A very successful one benefiting from the lack of brains from suckers like you!
Wario: RAAAAARGH!
Wario leaps at Nugent, whom simply swats him out of the way. Wario impacts a wall upside down, sliding down until his head hits the floor. He falls into a dreamlike daze, the room going blurry around him.
Voice: Wario... Wario...
The room completely fades into an aurora of psychedelic colors, and Wario sees a familiar figure slowly approaching him.
Wario: ... Dad?!
Wario Sr: Indeed, son.
Wario: What the... how are you here?! You're...
Wario Sr: Dead? Yes, and you will be soon if you don't stop and actually think for two seconds about what you're doing!
Wario: What are you talking about? You always taught me to prize my belongings and keep my material possessions close!
Wario Sr: Exactly! I taught you to be CAREFUL with your money, not spend it on a get-rich-quick scheme!
Wario: I realize that! That's why I'm here, trying to get my money back!
Wario Sr: No, you're here to prove to your friends that you aren't actually a complete imbecile. And your brother is here because he still believes in our family values!
Wario: But Wally isn't doing anything! He never does anything! I always have to do all the dirty work myself!
Wario Sr: Idiot, that's because you never give him the chance to do anything! For once in your life, put your delusions of grandeur aside and let him take the spotlight!
Wario: If you suddenly want me to give him the spotlight, how come you never cared about his well being when we were kids? You always gave me all the food!
Wario Sr: You always stole the food, numb nuts! Ugh, you're still the same fat little bastard you've always been.
Wario: Waaaaaah!
Wario Sr groans and facepalms. Clearly he isn't getting anywhere, even though he's just a hallucination. He begins fading away.
Wario: Wait, where are you going?!
Wario Sr: Give your brother a chance, Junior... your money depends on it...
His words echo through Wario's battered skull as the fat Italian slowly gets back on his feet, shaking his head rapidly. Wario growls and slowly backs off, keeping his eye on Waluigi.
Nugent: Bah! I grow tired of this! Prepare for my ultimate attack!
In a quieter corner, the slender man whom has been deprived of attention all his life, finally gets his chance to be the hero.
Waluigi: Hey! Ugly!
Nugent looks over his shoulder.
Nugent: Eh?
Waluigi: Look, money! Want some back? Here you go!
Waluigi tosses a gold brick clear across the room. The shiny, valuable object is enough to get the alien's attention as he soars across the room in pursuit.
Waluigi: Get him, guys! Quick, while he's distracted!
Seizing the opportunity, Mike and Knuckles leap and tackle Nugent to the ground. It takes every ounce of strength they have to keep him pinned down.
Nugent: Let me go, you deceptive fools!
Mike: *struggling* Fat chance! Wario!
Wario: On it!
Wario runs up to the scene, a previously unseen raging inferno in his eyes, and he begins kicking Nugent in the head with such ferocity even Knuckles is concerned.
Wario: Take that! And that!
Nugent: Ow! Goddammi-OW!
Wario: Take MY money, will ya?! NO ONE robs Wario Wario and LIVES!
Wario keeps kicking his new nemesis until he finally stops struggling. One last swift kick, and Nugent has been beaten into unconsciousness. Mike and Knuckles breathe sighs of relief, as their strength has just about given out.
Mike: *panting* Good thinking, Waluigi...
Knuckles: *panting* I have to agree... that was pretty clever...
Waluigi beams with pride. He then looks at Wario and folds his arms, expecting a remark.
Wario: Huh? Oh yeah. Good job and all that, Wally.
Waluigi: So after all that—me saving your life and your money—all I get is that stupid nickname you won't stop using?
Wario: Why should today be any different?
Waluigi: I hate you.
Wario retrieves the thrown gold bar as Mike and Knuckles slowly get up and dust themselves off. They examine the scene around them. The office is a complete mess.
Knuckles: There's no way we're going to be able to sift through this in a civilized fashion before the cops arrive.
Mike: Agreed. We need to get rid of every last shred of evidence.
Waluigi: Anyone have any suggestions?
Mike: Well...
He casually takes out a cigarette and lights it, a sinister smile on his face.
Mike: I have an idea...
Epilogue
Mike, Knuckles, Wario, and Waluigi are all standing side by side outside what used to be the headquarters for WorldVentures. Their features are illuminated by a bright, flickering light. We can tell by their expressions what has just transpired here. Something along the lines of a skyscraper being set ablaze by a combination of a cigarette and an atomic waft.
And as our angle changes to show the burning building, we see the silhouettes of the four would-be heroes (anti-heroes? Villains? I don't even know anymore) observing the fruits of their labor.
Mike is the first to speak after several minutes of warming up by the fire, all four of them not taking their eyes off the building.
Mike: You guys think killing Nugent and burning down the whole building was taking it too far?
Without moving a single muscle, everyone staring at the fire, the others respond with heartfelt enthusiasm.
Everyone: Nah.
To be continued…
2019-2020