Author's Note: So, this is a song fic based on the song "Wrecked" by Imagine Dragons. You don't need to have listened to it for this to make sense, and if you know the song that's great too! For more resources on having your heart brutally ripped out, check out the song! Apologies to everyone I will injuregrievously; I'll pay for the therapy bills! And enjoy the angst I guess!
Jay rolled over and was greeted with bright light. He shut his eyes even tighter and rolled back over. The light was too bright.
There was a creaking and Jay twisted around to see Cole poke his head in the door.
"Hey," Cole said softly. "Breakfast is on the table if you're interested."
Jay flopped back down on the bed and shrugged. "I'll see," he mumbled into the pillow.
"Okay," he heard, followed by more creaking and the latching of the door.
Jay let out a breath. Then he pulled the covers over his head and curled up.
He should go to breakfast.
Maybe…maybe the empty chairs wouldn't be so bad…
The bed creaked as he readjusted his position again to be lying on his back. He folded down the covers, exposing himself to the light streaming in.
It was still unpleasant.
Jay rubbed his face and for a moment contemplated just going back to sleep. What was waiting for him out there?
"Breakfast," he muttered to himself. He snorted.
Fine. So maybe he did have a reason.
He breathed in deeply and as he exhaled, he forced himself into a sitting position. Rubbing his eyes, he threw the blankets aside and then finally stood up.
The floor was cold. Quite the disappointment after the warm embrace of his blankets.
Jay gave one last look at the bed -still warm- the blankets thrown aside like welcoming arms.
"I'm already up, I might as well go," he said to it, gesturing to the door. It wasn't the right excuse, but he needed a reason to eat. It was either this or have Cole force feed him. Not ideal.
Out in the hall he could smell breakfast. But the normal morning chatter was absent. Mostly due to his own silence, but also the absence of Kai and Lloyd. Zane was barely speaking now too. And who knew if Wu would show up, holed in the library.
Jay arrived in the kitchen, only Cole greeting him, and just with a weak smile. Zane emotionlessly washed the dishes.
Pixal and Wu were not in sight.
The chair scraped against the floor as Jay pulled it out. It echoed through the room.
So much silence.
Jay hated it. And he hated even more that he wasn't doing anything about it. He didn't want to.
"So," Cole said slowly. "Did you sleep…well?"
Jay shoved the eggs on his plate around before putting some in his mouth.
He shrugged. "I slept," he mumbled in response. He slouched in the chair. "The room was so bright when I woke up…"
"You could always shut the blinds before you go to sleep," Cole suggested softly. "You know, it would help."
"Yeah," Jay sighed sitting up and eating more eggs. "But it's so much work and it just…I don't know…seems pointless, like…why?"
Cole nodded. "I get that. I could come in and help if you'd like."
"You could, but, don't feel obligated. If I don't learn to do it myself, I'll never do it." The lesson from his mother and even Sensei felt very true as of late.
"Sometimes we learn from example," Cole offered. "Don't forget that."
Another well taught lesson.
"Yeah," Jay sighed. "I guess both are true."
Cole nodded. "It can be hard to find which lesson fits which situation."
"I guess I just need to figure out how to deal with this one," Jay mumbled, slouching again.
His voice faded. Silence reclaimed the room.
Oh, how he hated it.
His eyes drifted to Nya's empty seat.
Talk about an example to learn from.
Jay clenched his jaw and tried to blink back tears. But they were stubborn, and the blinking only sent them over the edge.
He dropped his fork -the clattering filling the unnatural silence- and put his head in his hands.
In a matter of seconds, Jay felt strong arms wrap around him. He leaned into the embrace and rested his head on Cole's stomach.
"Why?" Jay sobbed, unable to suppress the waves of emotions crashing over him. "Why is it so damn hard to just carry on? Why does it have to be such a difficult task? Can't I miss her in peace? Why does it have to fill every space? I sleep and she's in my dreams. I don't sleep and I think I hear her or see her! I just want, wi-"
He caught himself. But maybe it was going to be intentional.
"I wish this had never happened!" he blurted out. "And I just wish I could see her again!"
He banged on the table, trying to release his frustration, all the built up sadness and anger. "I see her in the rain! I feel her in the rain! But it's not her! And I just wish it was!" he forced out through clenched teeth.
Cole ran his hand over Jay's head repeatedly. "I know you do…I know."
"And I just…without her…it's just this empty feeling! There's nothing! I feel so lost and broken! A train wreck. A ship wreck."
He proceeded to laugh bitterly at the cruel joke. "A ship wreck," he muttered again.
"Hey hey hey," Cole was saying. Jay could hear the concern and clearly picture the creased brow. And he should have cared more.
"I thought I could just…remember her in peace…we had her funeral…it was good; so many people came out to remember her, out of love and respect. But why doesn't that feel like enough? Why can't that be enough? Why-"
His voice cracked and a new flood of tears came. Cole squeezed him tighter, it felt like the squeezing was releasing the tears. Maybe to a degree it was.
But Jay decided to let it be, to allow himself to cry. It was good he told himself. Maybe it could help.
As the minutes passed, his sobs quieted. Silence came back. Except for the clinking of dishes that Zane was putting away.
With a shaky deep breath, Jay sat up. "Maybe I just need a little more time," he whispered, picking at his nails. "Maybe some time alone, to process and grieve."
"Hmm," was the only response Cole gave. Clearly, he didn't agree, but he wasn't going to argue either.
"More time, more space…that's what I need," Jay concluded quietly.
But that didn't help either.
Some would even say it made it worse.
Jay scoffed, kicking the sand. A lie. It just felt like a lie. Time heals wounds.
"Whose idea was that anyway," Jay muttered looking up at sky.
Maybe its failure to work was his own doing. Coming to the one place where he was surrounded by visible ocean. Out any window of the lighthouse, he could see her. And sitting on the beach she was right there. How could he not have chosen this place?
If Nya was now one with the ocean, then each time he stood barefoot on that shore and let the waves crash onto him, it was her. It was her!
It was a bittersweet feeling.
The way the water lapped against the shore, he could almost hear her laugh in that. In the wind, the water danced, just like they had used to. And in the sunlight, she sparkled.
Jay teared up as he looked across the water. It really was her.
How could he leave this behind now?
Sure he was away from everyone, and he'd always hated being alone. But she was here!
This was the closest he could get to having his wish come true. Why would he give it up so soon?
He could sit in the rain and let the waves wash over him, and it was like her, right there with him. It was her!
Why leave that?
For the first month or so it was good. It soothed the wound, even if it didn't fill the hole.
But as time dragged on…
Jay didn't know how long he'd been in the lighthouse. Quite frankly, he didn't know when the last time he stepped outside of it was.
He'd been working on a sketch for a painting, but for the last few days it had sat, untouched. Or had it been weeks?
Jay looked out the window across the ocean, admiring the sunset.
"You're beautiful," he whispered aloud, perhaps to the cup filled with water. "I love you."
The moment passed with no response.
"Maybe I should eat," he sighed. "When did I last do that? Do you know?"
He stood up straight and stretched. In the process, he knocked the cup from the window sill, and it fell out of the lighthouse to the ground below.
"No!" Jay yelled. "Dammit! Damn it!" He kicked the wall. "Why?"
He sank to the floor and gripped his hair in his fists. "Why?" he yelled again.
"Why can't it just be normal again?" he cried. "Why can't I have her back? Why couldn't we have found another way?"
She'd hate to see him like this. She would beg for him to do better, find better use of his time. That's what she would do. Leading by example indeed.
She'd beg him to get up. To return. Not to dwell on things, because who does it help?
But what did it matter how she would have lived if she wasn't here to live that way? Where was she living? Did she remember him like she said she would? Would they see each other again? Surely they'd promised each other that?
"Damn it!" Jay screamed slamming his fist to the ground. "Damn it!"
"I'd wish it all away if I could!" he shouted to the air. "Do you hear? I'd wish it all away! Or I'd wish to see her again! You happy now?"
The wind howled and in it he heard that sinister voice he dreaded. The one that had been haunting him all this time.
It had never really left had it…
"I would wish for her again! Damn, you know I would!" he cried hitting the floor again. "Or I'd wish it all away! Damn it, I would!"
"I'm such a mess!" Jay shouted. "Such a wreck! At my breaking point like you wanted! Here I am! Take me! Take me, damn it, take me!"
Tears streamed down his face and he clutched his head. "I'm sorry Nya," he whispered. "I'm so sorry…I've tried…I tired to move on…to move past this…to do better…but I can't," his voice cracked. "I can't. I can't do this without you!"
The wind blew in, strong and cold. With it came chilling raindrops, soaking his neck quickly.
Jay stood up and looked out the window. Storm clouds rolled over the ocean, and the rain hit his face hard and fast.
Another rainy day.
"I'd wish it away!" Jay screamed into the air.
"Damn it, I would!" he screamed slamming his hands on the window sill.
"I wish I could see you again!" he screamed opening his eyes to see the water. Tears spilled down his face, but it was indistinguishable from the rain.
"But damn," he muttered with a bitter laugh. "It's just one more rainy day…"