SLACKERS
EPISODE XVIII
HOLY SHIT
A long time ago, in the faraway province of Morrowind, there lived a group of childhood friends. Being from their native region, they belonged to the Dunmer race, otherwise known as the Dark Elves. They grew up in the city of Ebonheart, where their games included shooting each other with pellet arrows, back flipping each other into bookshelves, sneaking into the city park to illegally fish, taking turns hosting evenings wherein they would pretend to conquer the world, and smoking cigars cheaply manufactured by capitalist Khajit, even though they tasted like Draugr vomit.
As they reached adolescence, they began to drift apart in separate ways to live their lives and follow their dreams. Pheromonas became a Khajit gynecologist, because he wanted to become a "pussy pussy doctor." Dikhedd became a lawyer. Raloren decided to devote his life to spiritual studies, and Marikoth became Morrowind's most well-known mercenary.
Throughout adulthood, only Raloren and Marikoth remained in regular contact. Marikoth made a name for himself solely on his professional reputation, and on his ability to be a sneaky bastard and get away with it. Raloren sought to be a fighter, then a scientist, then a religious leader. He became ordained by the First Talosian Church of Morrowind, happily leading his congregation to gather and worship Talos. Since they were celebrating a Nordic god in Morrowind, the Thalmor thankfully didn't pay much attention.
However, he recently had a dream where the god he worshipped was, in fact, not the one true God. He dismissed the dream as a side effect of some bad sushi, but the dream persisted. The God in his dreams kept asking for him to seek him out. Raloren, searching for answers, took an indefinite sabbatical and made finding this God his ultimate goal…
We fade into a panorama of a dry, sunny, windy desert. There isn't a plant or animal in sight, only the sound of the wind and the sand being carried through the air. The scenery suggests it's been an extremely long time since anyone has been in this area, but we don't look at places and expect absolutely nothing to happen.
In the distance we see a hooded figure riding swiftly on a horse. A long trail of tracks is left in the sand, soon to be covered up by the swirling sand clouds. His aggressive riding implies he is on a mission, for he is moving far too quickly to be aimlessly wandering. He's either looking for something, or he has a destination. We suddenly cut in close to the rider as we follow his swift progress.
He reaches his destination when he approaches a large, ancient, intricately crafted pillar. It appears this was carved for a very important reason due to the builder's attention to detail, but millennia of being pelted by sandstorms have caused the structure to wear. The mystery rider stops just short of the pillar before hopping off his horse and slowly approaching it on foot.
We begin to see his hooded facial features. He has dark skin, black hair, and a neatly trimmed beard. His cloak flutters in the wind as he takes his final steps. He extends his hands in the air and closes his eyes.
Rider: I'm here! And I have the offerings you requested of me!
He reaches into his cloak and takes out two items. The first is a Cuban cigar, which he lays at the base of the structure. The second is a six-pack of an imported mirror universe beer with two large red X's on the label. He sets it down next to the cigar, and the ground begins to rumble.
The rider, taken by surprise, takes four steps backward and looks up. The pillar begins to rotate in three different places: top, middle, and bottom. They line up to form what appears to be a weathered statue of a large man with long, curly hair and a beard. An orange light begins to glow, surrounding the statue.
The light glows in intensity, and a huge beam is emitted from the entire area. The bright orange light shines directly upwards like a spotlight, extending into space as far as the naked eye can see. The rider falls to his knees in amazement, for the first part of the ancient text he discovered has happened as it was written.
Slackers
Wario: Goddammit, get out of here, you stupid pink pustule!
Kirby: You discriminatory asshole!
Wario grabs the broom sitting in the corner of the room once again, and swats angrily at Kirby.
Wario: Get out! Get out get out get out get out!
Wario chases Kirby out the front door, continuing to swing his broom like a maniac.
Wario: And STAY out!
He slams the front door and angrily stomps back over to the bar. Halfway there, he turns around and opens the door again to approach his bouncer.
Wario: Wolf, this is the third time he's gotten in today! Do your fucking job and keep that little puff ball out of here!
Wolf: Sorry, boss! He must've slipped by while I was distracted by that blue fox in the loincloth!
Wario: Then pay attention or I'm telling Mike you're lobbying to make smoking illegal!
Wolf: You're a cruel man, Wario.
Wolf growls as Wario re-slams the door, making his second attempt at stomping back over to the bar. He gets there, sighs, and starts furiously polishing the walnut counter top.
Wario: Just get over it, Wario… you're in control… calm… relax…
Wario's deep breath is shortly interrupted.
Knuckles: Hey, War!
Wario: Goddammit Kirby if I have to kick you out ONE MORE TIME…
Knuckles: Whoa, what the hell?! Do I LOOK like Kirby?!
Wario comes down from his tirade and realizes he's begun yelling at Knuckles without checking to see who was coming through the damn door.
Knuckles: Either you need glasses or you're a complete idiot.
Wario: Don't start with me, Knucklehead. That cream puff has been trying to sneak in for a year now just to piss me off!
Knuckles: Why would Kirby want to do that? Going out of his way just to annoy you seems a bit excessive.
Wario: Does he need a reason?! He's a dick!
Knuckles: What exactly does he do?
Wario: He waits until I'm looking, then he starts using that sucking move to inhale expensive liquor!
Knuckles takes his palm to his face as Wario serves him his normal wine.
Knuckles: Why couldn't I have been born in a normal universe instead of one with extreme videogame wackiness?
Wario: You take the cards you're dealt and make the best of it.
Knuckles: Here's to trying.
As Knuckles takes the first sip, the front door opens again, and a bat girl in leather walks through. Knuckles instinctively flexes his chest without even realizing he's doing it. Wario isn't fooled.
Wario: Oh, shit. Here comes the bat. Knuckles and Knockers sittin' in a tree…
Knuckles: Shut up!
Rouge approaches them and takes a seat next to Knuckles.
Rouge: Evening, boys.
Knuckles: Hey, Rouge.
Wario: So, the famous Rouge finally comes to visit her beau in my bar. What exactly conked you on the head hard enough for you to be seen with this red jackass?
Knuckles: Rrrgh…
Rouge snickers.
Rouge: I'm surprised your mom didn't tell you. It was her massive, planet sized ass.
Knuckles laughs hysterically. Wario folds his arms and scowls.
Wario: You sure your boob didn't just fly up and whack you instead?
Rouge: You would be the one to know all about the laws of boob physics, Man Tits!
Wario tries to look mad, but he can't help but laugh. Maybe not as hard as Knuckles, but Wario can acknowledge a good burn when he hears one.
Wario: Hah! You know what? You're alright. I'm Wario. Pleased to meet you.
He extends his hand across the bar, and she shakes it.
Rouge: Rouge. Treasure hunter extraordinaire and former government spy.
Wario: Former? How do I know you aren't still a spy, and you aren't just saying that?
Rouge: Maybe you should be nice to me and you won't have to find out.
Wario: Oh-ho! Clever. Knux, where'd you find her? I like her!
Knuckles: … now that, I was not expecting.
Rouge: Why is that? You don't think I'm a likeable person?
Knuckles: I-It's not… that's not what I…
Rouge: Watch your tongue there, you could hurt yourself.
Knuckles: I meant I'm surprised you don't either hate her, or are way too up front about how much you fantasize about her.
Wario: What else is there to fantasize? She's funny AND she puts you in her place? She's perfect!
Rouge: Aw, you're too kind.
Wario: So now that that's out of the way, what can I get you?
Rouge: Nothing for me, thanks. I get a little thief-y when I drink.
Wario: It's a shame you're here with this clown. I think I just met the perfect woman.
Rouge: I'll dump him for you. Then you can explain to your girlfriend why you're a dirty cheater.
Knuckles: HAH!
Rouge: *sigh* Boys…
Knuckles takes a large gulp of his wine. This may turn out to be a long night.
Knuckles: Where's Mike?
Wario: Who knows. Probably off slacking somewhere.
Rouge: Isn't the name of the bar "Slackers?"
Wario: Hah hah.
Knuckles: She's got a point.
Wario: I think he's with the penguin whisperer…
Antarctica
We cut to inside the ice cave, a close up on the lower half of a face covered by a long, grey beard. A pipe is gently placed in the man's mouth as he takes a few puffs, sucking in a cloud of smoke before releasing it into the frigid air.
Grim: So. You've certainly kept busy.
Mike: You could say that.
New angle shows Mike, almost completely covered in his black hooded cloak, his hood blocking the light from his eyes. A cigarette is in his right hand, his arms resting on his knees.
Grim: You wouldn't have come all the way here unless you had something heavy on your mind.
Mike: Where do you want me to start?
Grim: With whatever concerns you most, my friend.
Mike sighs. He takes a drag, then searches his mind for the words. Although he's only known Grim for a few months, he feels like he's known him his entire life. Grim has become a loyal, trusted confidante, and the trip all the way to the edge of the world is worth it every time. He decides to begin with the bombshell dropped on him when the year first began.
Mike: I found out that Giovanni is my father.
Grim: …
He takes multiple, contemplative puffs on his long pipe.
Grim: … now that, I was not expecting.
Mike: Did you just get a sudden wave of déjà vu, or was that just me?
Grim: Must've been you.
Mike: Huh. Weird. Anyway, he told me when I confronted him last month. I'm still not exactly sure how to process it.
Grim: I can't even imagine. How has it affected your day to day life?
Mike: Actually, not as bad as you might think.
Grim: Oh?
Mike: I mean, once I got over learning I was adopted, I got to meet my mom… my real mom. I was never close with my adopted parents, but my mom and I have gotten to know each other and we're bonding like I never could have imagined.
Grim: And do you wish you could form a similar bond with your father?
Mike takes a long drag and sighs.
Mike: I don't know, Grim. On one hand, he's the boss of Team Rocket. They go against everything I believe in.
Grim: You mean murder, espionage, and bribery?
Mike: No. Mottos, uniforms, and bad puns.
Grim: …
Mike: … but, on the other hand, I've never really felt like I've ever had a dad. My adoptive father wouldn't be impressed by anyone. Or proud of anyone. Part of why I ran away.
Grim: You ran away because of a bad relationship with your parents?
Mike: Yeah. In hindsight, it was selfish of me. Maybe because I was never theirs. When Emmy was born, she was their real daughter, and she got all the love and affection. I could have handled it better, though. Walking in on Elaine sleeping with another guy was what drove me over the brink.
Grim: Damn.
Mike: I guess… I don't know… there's a part of me that wants to be close with the family I have. Including Giovanni. I tried getting him to switch sides, to come back with me and ditch Team Rocket. He wouldn't do it.
Grim: You want my advice, or do you want me to sit and listen?
Mike: I'm all ears.
Grim: I think it might be worth asking your mother about him. You said she was engaged to him once, so she should know about his real personality more than anybody. Who he is behind the powerful orator and crime lord.
Mike tosses his cigarette in the fire separating the two of them and lights another one.
Mike: I don't know… it might be a sore subject for her. I mean, her fiancé became boss of Team Rocket, and she had to give up the baby she had with him out of fear.
Grim: The way I see it, it's the only way to have info from all sides. If she's willing to talk about it, listen to her and decide what you want to do with it.
Mike hangs his head and sighs.
Mike: Why couldn't my dad have been someone cool like James Bond or Clint Eastwood or something…
He gets up and walks over to the space heater Grim has plugged into the wall. His electric system is quite impressive, considering the extremely remote location he's chosen. He takes a look at the Master Ball sitting next to it before picking it up and dusting off the snow.
Mike: Alright, buddy…
He casually tosses the ball in front of him, and a pure organic energy emerges from it, forming into the shape of his best friend and fully materializing in front of him.
Mew: *yawn* Ahhh, a nice, warm rest! I needed that.
Mike: You ready to go?
Mew: What're you asking me for? You dragged me here so I could teleport you!
Mike: … you volunteered.
Mew: I did?
Mike: Yeah. I said "Mew, I'm going to Antarctica." Then you said, "Oh, cool! Want me to help you get there?" and I said "Sure! I'll keep you warm by the heater so you can get a rest!" and you said-
Mew: Okay, okay, I get your point.
Grim: Something tells me your resentment hasn't completely gone away, Mew.
Mew: Well, I'm not mad at Mike, if that's what you mean…
Grim: What else would I mean?
Mew silently looks at the ground.
Mike: He, um… well, he had his heart broken the other day. Still kind of a raw subject.
Grim: I've been there. I'm sorry, Mew.
Mew: It's alright…
Clearly Mew still isn't in the mood for talking about being rejected by Celebi, as he immediately begins glowing white.
Grim: Take care of yourself, Mike.
Mike: You too, Grim…
A white flash, and Mike and Mew are gone from sight. Grim is approached from behind by a familiar, beloved figure.
Denise: Quack.
Grim: No, darling. He didn't bring the quackfrodesiac.
Meanwhile…
A new and unfamiliar scene in the distant country of Morrowind. A house addition is under construction, the two workers being a local Dunmer (dark elf) named Marikoth and his assistant, a Greninja he obtained from a trainer friend of his. Marikoth is hammering in a nail, sitting atop a rafter for his new structure.
Marikoth: Puddles! Toss me another nail!
Puddles: Ninja!
The loyal Greninja tosses another nail like a shuriken, and Marikoth catches it effortlessly without even looking.
Puddles: Ja? Niiinnnn… ja!
Marikoth: Huh? What is it?
Marikoth notices Puddles pointing at a hooded figure approaching on horseback. He hops off the structure, landing gracefully on the ground. He walks to the front of his house as his visitor slows his horse to a halt.
Marikoth: Can I help you?
Raloren: I was hoping I could count on you for that, old friend.
He removes his hood, revealing his identity. Another fellow Dunmer, and a lifelong acquaintance.
Marikoth: I was wondering when you'd bother to show up!
Raloren: What do you mean? You were always the one that insisted on being "fashionably late."
Marikoth: Whatever you say.
Raloren dismounts and approaches his friend. They shake hands and smile.
Marikoth: What are you doing here?
Raloren: I've found him.
Marikoth scratches his head.
Marikoth: Found who?
Raloren: You know. I've been searching for years, and I finally found the answer. I found the right direction in which we need to go!
Marikoth: … no. You can't mean…
The elder elf solemnly but excitedly nods.
Raloren: I've found God!
The next evening…
Yet another busy night at Slackers, the classiest, cleanest, most honest bar in the—yeah, right!
Mike: You ever think maybe we should have been BnB owners or something instead, War?
Wario: Shut the hell up, Mike.
The front door opens, and Knuckles begins predictably walking to the bar.
Knuckles: Evening, everybody.
Everyone: Knuuux!
Mike: What's the word, Mr. Echidna?
Knuckles: The word is given.
Mike: Well, sure, but what IS the word?
Knuckles: Givin'. As in, I know a certain fat bastard's mother who's been givin' it away!
Mike: Ha!
Wario: Dick.
Knuckles: Who said I was talking about you? You pretty much just admitted you have a moon sized rectum.
Mike: Complete with all the craters and old crustiness.
Wario: Mike, I don't have to take that from a guy who has to inhale burning plants to not be a complete asshole. Knuckles, you're just jealous because you don't have a penis!
Mike raises an eyebrow.
Mike: ... excuse me?
Knuckles: The hell are you talking about? Of course I have a penis!
Wario: I mean, look at the crotch area! Nothing!
Mike: … not that I've ever actually wondered or anything, but how exactly can you have sex, Knuckles? There's clearly nothing there.
Knuckles: Yes there is. You're just checking Google for pictures of me when you should be checking DeviantArt.
Wario: I did that once. No penises, just lots of pregnant Knuckleses.
Knuckles: Wait, what?
Mike: *quietly* … you've looked up Knuckles on DeviantArt?
Wario: Look yourself up on that website, Knuckles. You'll thank me for it later.
Mike: I don't think that's such a good idea...
Wario: It's a good idea since neither of us has to look, and we'll get to see his reaction when he does.
Mike: Well, that's true.
Knuckles: Can we talk about something else, please?
Mike: I'm okay with this.
Wario: But you have to promise you'll look up the awful pictures in front of us so we can see you freak out!
Knuckles: No promises, fat ass.
Mike finally gets around to serving Knuckles his drink. Knuckles takes the first swig and lets out a sigh of relaxation. They take a quick look outside and see the winds picking up, forming a mini-blizzard.
Knuckles: How's Mew holding up?
Mike: Still pretty down. He's been feeling better this week, but he fell pretty hard for Celebi.
Knuckles: Poor guy.
Mike: I'm thinking about doing something for him. Throwing him a party or taking him on a vacation or something.
Wario: Maybe a little romantic getaway to Isle Delfino? Sit on a beach, drinking Corona and talking about the previous night?
Mike: You mean like the way Mona does with all the butlers when she goes there while you're away?
Wario: …
Mike: That's what I thought.
The front door flies open, thanks to some extra help from the wind, and two hooded elves enter the bar. They dust the snow off and wipe their feet on the mat before removing their hoods.
Mike: Hey, keep that shit outside! I'm trying to run a classy establishment here!
Knuckles leans over the bar and yanks Wario's finger out of his nose before slapping him with his own hand. The elves approach the bar and sit by Knuckles.
Knuckles: Mare? Where've you been?
Marikoth: Hey, getting here from Morrowind ain't exactly easy.
Wario: Is that where you're from? I've been wondering myself lately.
Mike: Who's your friend?
Marikoth: This is Raloren. He's a wizard who grew up in the same city as me.
Raloren: Greetings!
He offers a slight bow toward Mike. He then turns to Knuckles.
Raloren: So you must be Knuckles. You were the one held in captivity with my friend here?
Knuckles: Yep.
Marikoth: We've been through hell and back together.
Wario: There's no way it could have been that bad.
Knuckles: They forced us to watch Baby Shark.
Mike and Wario wince in pain, an overwhelming feeling of sympathy washing over them.
Mike: Yikes. Sorry my dad's such a dick.
Wario: Damn. You sat through that and lived? You must have balls of steel. Even though you can't see them.
Mike: For Chrissakes, Wario...
Knuckles angrily cracks his knuckles, inspiring Wario to shut his mouth for the time being.
Mike: Anyway Mare, what'll it be?
Marikoth: Two elvish meads.
Mike: Uh huh.
Mike remembers an earlier conversation about either serving the Dunmer's favorite drink or risking death by poison arrows. Nevertheless, he's all too happy to oblige his friend's request.
Mike: Here you go. Don't enjoy it too much.
The elves clink their glasses and take the first drink.
Mike: So what brings you by today?
Marikoth: This is a pretty big deal. Raloren here recently made what could possibly be the greatest discovery of all time.
Wario: Knuckles' genitals?
Knuckles punches Wario from across the bar.
Wario: Ow…
He lets out a quick sigh, cracks his neck, and smiles at the guests.
Knuckles: Greatest discovery of all time, eh?
Raloren: Indeed.
Marikoth: We came here to ask you guys for help.
Mike: What could you possibly need OUR help for?
Marikoth: Well, for one thing, you have spaceships...
Knuckles: A mothership, three fighters, and a minivan.
Wario: Suck my balls. If you even know what they are.
Knuckles punches Wario again.
Wario: Ow...
Raloren: Why exactly are you all friends?
Mike: I've been asking the same thing for 25 years, but it works.
Knuckles: What exactly do you need our help with?
The elves smile, giddy to reveal the news.
Raloren: I've found a way to reach God himself!
Knuckles: …
Wario: …
Mike: … bullshit.
Marikoth: It's true! The Elder Scrolls foretold that a pillar in the Alik'r Desert would light the way to the dwelling of God when approached by one with a pure and noble heart!
Wario: He's asking the wrong crowd for help.
Raloren: My options were limited, you're the only ones I know capable of space travel.
Mike: Then how did you get all the way here from Morrowind?
Raloren: One-way long distance Wayshrine.
Wario: Huh?
Marikoth: It's an Elder Scrolls thing.
Wario: So you're stuck here.
Marikoth: … yeah.
Mike: I'll take you guys back home, but you're on your own for your fanatical fairy unicorn dumbass quest. No offense.
Knuckles: Mike, don't you have a Galarian Rapidash? You know, a magical fairy unicorn?
Mike: Leave Twyla out of this!
Raloren: You know, if you say "no offense" after saying something that was clearly meant to be hurtful, it doesn't really mean anything.
Mike: In that case, offense intended.
Knuckles: I'll go.
Mike: What?!
Knuckles: I'm curious to see what they've found.
Mike: But… out of all of us, you hate going on long-winded adventures!
Knuckles: I've never been certain about gods and higher powers, but I'd be interested to learn as much as I can.
Mike: You're setting yourself up to be sorely disappointed, Knux.
Wario: Mike, now is not the time to get all preachy about your radical atheism. Everyone in existence knows you don't believe in God.
Mike: I believe in the corruptive powers of organized religion, if that's what you mean.
Knuckles: Mike, come on. Have an open mind. If anything, we go, and you're right, then whoop de doo, you get bragging rights and get to say "I told you so."
Mike: You know what, Knuckles? I'll take you up on that. I know I'm right, and I'm not letting you guys touch my ship without me.
Wario groans and rolls his eyes.
Wario: What the hell. I'll go too.
Mike: … why?
Wario: Someone has to keep your dogma under control.
Mike: It's not dogma! It's called logic and reason!
Knuckles: It's called being an asshole.
Wario: It's called being Mihalis.
Mike: Fuck you, wide load!
Wario: Thank you for proving my point.
Marikoth: So is it set, then? We take your ships back to our home planet and follow the beacon's light?
Mike: Yeah, why not. Let's meet on the Defender first thing in the morning.
Wario: Why not just have Mew teleport us?
Knuckles: We've been over this. Mew isn't good at teleporting to places he's never been before. Besides, the guy's been through enough as it is. We shouldn't start asking for favors.
Wario: So he got his heart broken. Big whoop.
Knuckles: You're just trying to get out of flying your minivan.
Wario: At least it has the best weapons of the lot.
Mike: Here, guys. The access code to beam yourself aboard my ship.
Mike takes a pen and writes a code on a napkin before handing it to Marikoth.
Marikoth: Thanks, Mike. I knew I could count on you, you won't regret this!
Mike: I'm sure I will, but no problem…
After hours...
A shot of the bar, where a bottle of beer begins floating above the counter, away from the wall. A hand grabs it in midair and pops the lid open with a Swiss Army knife.
Mike: Thanks, Mew.
Mew: Yeah, no problem.
Mike takes the first sip of beer number three of the evening.
Mike: Whose turn is it?
Wario: Yours. Dammit, pay attention!
Mike knocks his hand on the table, indicating a check. Knuckles reveals the turn card, and a pair of twos are now shared by the four poker players.
Mike: Somebody's got a pair of twos.
The other three groan.
Wario: Don't you EVER get tired of saying that?
Knuckles: We're tired of hearing it.
Mike: Screw you guys, it's funny.
Knuckles: It was the first time, but it got dull the next 6,483 times.
Mike: I have not said "somebody's got a pair" 6,483 times.
Mew: Nope, that makes it 6,484.
Wario bets a blue 50 chip.
Mew: Too rich for me this time.
He uses Psychic to make his cards float face down to the burn pile. Mike holds his cards upright, tapping them on the table and deep in thought.
Mike: It's a day for bad decisions, why not make one more.
He calls Wario's bet.
Mew: What are you talking about?
Wario: Mike's mad because he has to help Mare and his friend go on a quest to find God.
Mew: … did I miss something? Why are you going on a quest to find me? I'm right here!
Wario: If you're God, then I'm converting to Buddhism. Or Satanism.
Mike: Knux talked me into going. If I'm right, and there is no God, then he has to take over my job for three months so I can go on an extended vacation.
Mew: And if YOU'RE wrong?
Knuckles: He has to dye his hair pink.
Mew rapidly shakes his head in utter shock.
Mew: You got Mike to wager his hair?! Do you realize the capacity of the achievement you've just made?
Mike: I know I'm right. What do I have to lose?
Knuckles: Come on, Mike. Doesn't it excite you even a little bit that there might be something out there bigger than us? Someone who can tell us what all this is about?
Mike: Not even a little. My—Emily's parents were fundamentalist Bible thumpers. Made me do church and choir and all that shit growing up. I realized it was a hoax while I was living in Kanto.
Mew: What changed your mind?
Mike: Actually reading the fucking Bible. Good lord, there's some messed up shit in the Old Testament.
Wario: It can definitely be pretty twisted.
Mike: Wario, help me out here!
Wario: Look, Mike. I've never been involved in anything religious, and I never will be. I just don't think it's such a big deal that I have to constantly be making a case out of it.
Mike: I'm not making it a big deal!
Knuckles: You're even more radical than Raloren, and he studies spirituality for a living. It's a fascinating subject.
Mike: It's a waste of time and talent!
Knuckles: How do you explain me, then? I'm not religious, but I've always been a spiritual man. I mean, for a very long time, the purpose of my life was to defend the Master Emerald, and it has an otherworldly power I still don't fully understand. There has to be a reason for it all, otherwise what's the point?
Mike: The fact is, we're here no matter what the reason. Shouldn't we try to make it an enjoyable experience for ourselves and those around us?
Knuckles: I'm not arguing that, but for me, personally, I'm not satisfied until I know why life exists in the first place. Different people have different goals and purposes. Mine was to protect the Master Emerald from falling into the wrong hands.
Mike: And you don't know WHY your family is destined to be guardians?
Knuckles: No, and that's exactly my point. I've always wondered why it's been my family's job, why it's been our purpose. I'm restless for answers, and this could be my chance to finally discover why.
Mew: Deep.
Knuckles throws in a black 100 chip, but his stacks are so high, he barely scratches the surface of his funds.
Knuckles: Raise.
Wario: Dammit…
Wario throws in another 50, calling the bet. Mike groans and tosses in his cards. Knuckles reveals the river card, and it's an ace. Wario is fighting the urge to grin as he bets another black chip.
Wario: Go ahead, prove me wrong and show me you actually do have balls!
Mew: Why the hell do you want to see his junk?!
Knuckles: He doesn't. Long story.
Mew: I'll stay in the dark, thanks.
Knuckles calmly throws in two black chips, and the others are visibly surprised. Wario, doing his best to conceal all emotion, calls the bet, revealing his two and his ace.
Wario: Boom! Full house!
Knuckles, of course, has the remaining two aces.
Knuckles: Boom, better full house.
Wario: Are you fucking kidding me?!
Mike: At least you've won one of the last 20 hands, War.
Mew: Yeah M, your luck has been pretty awful tonight.
Knuckles: Look at it this way. If I'm right, and we do find God, you can ask him why your luck is so terrible.
Mew: Or why you're always so angry. Not trying to throw shade, I really think it would be a good idea.
Mike leans back in his chair, unamused and tapping his fist on the table.
Mike: I still think it's a waste of time. And a big fat delusion. But I can't leave you guys alone with the ship for a minute, so my hands are pretty much tied.
Knuckles: Even if you can't keep an open mind about all of this, think of it as a chance to get Slacker Squad back together. You remember how fun that was.
Mike: Can't argue with you there.
Knuckles hands the deck to Wario, whom begins shuffling and dealing the cards. Mew summons another beer, stopping it for Mike to open, then bringing directly to his lips for consumption. The game continues into the early hours of the morning, long after everyone should be getting to sleep, for tomorrow their space crew will reunite for an epic journey across the stars.
The next morning...
The Defender really is quite a ship. The fore section of the vessel is shaped like a chevron, designed to resemble the tip of a deadly, powerful weapon. The aft section has four warp nacelles, visually indicating a ship capable of incredible speed. A large cargo bay is equipped to satiate Wario's lust for piracy. The bow of the ship contains a bar and a lounge not unlike Slackers, however this one is a wee bit more exclusive, what with being on a privately owned space cruiser and all. The bridge is similar to the one from the Enterprise-E from Star Trek, complete with a gigantic video screen. It definitely comes in handy for monitoring movement and observing stellar phenomena, but it's mostly used for when Mike, Wario, Knuckles and Mew play Super Smash Bros.
Incidentally, Mike and Mew are the first to arrive. Both are still quite groggy from not getting much sleep, and Mike has taken his Thermos of strong black coffee with him. Apparently waiting two minutes to use the ship's replicator was about as much to ask as ending world hunger or curing cancer.
Mike: Remind me again why I'm doing this?
Mew: Because you don't believe in God, you hate the idea of being proven wrong, and you want a long vacation.
Mike: Meh.
Mew: And because you don't want Knuckles dyeing your hair pink.
Mike: I suddenly feel immeasurably more motivated.
He takes a sip of coffee; as much as the high temperature of the beverage allows.
Mike: Ahh...
Mew: If I didn't know better, I'd say you were actually calm.
Mike: Not quite yet.
Mike, predictably, lights a Lucky Strike.
Mew: There goes that "new ship" smell.
Mike: Oh, relax. You've told me tons of times that you like the smell.
Mew: … damn, I do.
Mike's cellphone rings, and he sees a picture of a clumsy Dunmer desperately attempting to climb up a rafter.
Mike: Hey, Killer.
Marikoth: Raloren and I are ready to beam up if you are.
Mike: Alright. You got the code?
Marikoth: Yeah, but I know you specifically made it 69696969.
Mike: Yeah, that was Mew.
Mew covers his mouth, giggling.
Mike: I'm heading to the transporter room now.
Marikoth: Got it, see you soon.
Mike hangs up and puts his phone back in his pocket.
Mike: Come on, Mew.
Mew: Right behind you, boss.
The novelty of having his own Star Trek ship is beginning to wear off, but Mike still gets a joy from simple things like navigating a turbolift to the appropriate deck, walking around the hallways with the satisfaction of knowing this is all his, and preparing to initialize the transporter sequence, taking extreme pride in having learned how to operate it.
Mew: You DO know how to work this thing, right?
Mike: I skimmed over the instructions. How hard can it be?
Mew: Oh, fuck.
Mike inputs a few controls, and Marikoth materializes with his head on backwards, and Raloren's arms and legs have been all mixed up.
Raloren: AAAAAGH!
Marikoth: What the hell happened to you?!
Mew: Mike, fix it!
Mike: Eh. I like them better this way.
Raloren: You fucking asshole! Put my limbs back right now!
Marikoth: Wait. Since when do I have a tail? And why is it wagging?
Mew: *facepalms* That's not a tail.
Marikoth has to stop and think for a second, then realizes he's looking down at his ass, where his groin should be.
Marikoth: Dammit Mike! You did this on purpose!
Mike: No I didn't! Hang on, I'll try again.
He reignites the transporter, and Raloren has resumed his normal form.
Raloren: Whew!
Marikoth, on the other hand...
Marikoth: Mumph mu-mumph mumph, mu-mu-mumph mumph?
Mike: … what did he say?
Mew: He said "Did you put my ass on my face?"
Mike: Welllll...
Raloren is suddenly over being rebuilt as a mutant, and begins laughing hysterically at his friend's ass face.
Marikoth: MU-MUMPH, MUMPH! MUMPH MU-MUMPH, MUMPH!
Mew struggles to translate through the laughter.
Mew: H-he said, "dammit Mike! Change me back, now!" Hahahahaha!
Mike: Oh, alright, fine. But you gotta admit, this is more appropriate since he's always talking out of his ass.
Mew: Mike...
Mike: Fine, fine, I'm fixing it...
Raloren leaps off the platform in order to avoid being screwed up again. Marikoth finally rematerializes as his normal self. He leaps off the platform and soars for Mike, knocking him to the ground.
Marikoth: I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Mike: At least I'll die happy...
Mew uses Psychic to knock the crazed elf off his trainer.
Mew: This has got to stop...
FLASH
Mew uses Amnesia on everyone in the room except himself. They all look a little dizzy, and quite confused.
Marikoth: What the... what happened?
Raloren: What's going on?
Mew: You just beamed onto our ship, the Defender. We're waiting on Knuckles and Wario so we can disembark.
Mike's cellphone rings again, and a picture is displayed showing a noble, honorable red echidna with a lampshade on his head and a beer in his hand.
Mike: Hello?
Knuckles: Where are you?
Mike: Waiting for you, duh.
Knuckles: I'm on the bridge and no one's here.
Mike: The bri—how did you get there?! I've been waiting in the transporter room!
Knuckles: You seriously expect me to trust you with a fucking transporter?
Mike: … yes?
Knuckles: You're an idiot.
Mike: Chaos Control. Wow, I feel dumb.
Knuckles: Uh huh. Wario and I will be waiting.
Knuckles hangs up the phone. Having Wario on the bridge might cause Mike a fair amount of concern, but with Knuckles with him, there's no possible way anything could go wrong at all.
Mike: We gotta get to the bridge, fast!
Mew: Why?
Mike: Wario's the—
Mike finds himself, the two elves, and Mew suddenly on the bridge.
Mike: There! … wait, what?
Mew: I heard "Wario" and "bridge." Figured you wanted to get here ASAP.
Mike: You're a good friend, Mew.
Mew: I try...
Knuckles: Now that we're all here, I say we go to the observation lounge. We have a big conference table set up there where we can plan our mission.
Mike: Here's the plan. Fly to the middle of nowhere, nothing's there, go home. Boom, done.
Knuckles: Mike, knock it off. Jeez, it's not like you have anything to lose.
Mike: Except time.
The entire group reconvenes in the lounge, where, out the large window, they get a spectacular view of the planet below. They all sit comfortably in their chairs, and Wario puts his feet on the table.
Knuckles: Alright Raloren, what can you tell us about this beacon?
Raloren: According to the Elder Scrolls, the statue of the king of gods is completed when approached by the right individual. I approached it the other day, and the final pieces were twisted into shape.
Marikoth: Interesting.
Raloren: A blinding light shone from the statue like a spotlight, projecting directly upward. If the scrolls are right, that beam should lead us directly to God.
Mike: Have you considered it may just be an elaborate Daedric prank?
Knuckles: Mike, you keep shaming everyone for their beliefs, but you believe in the Daedra?
Mike: I believe in the physical creatures that make devilishly good looking armor and have a knack for playing tricks on other species.
Knuckles: It's just that some of us are taking this seriously, and it'd be nice if you could lay off for a bit.
Mike: Just calling it like I see it.
Knuckles: Still, you don't have to be a dick about it.
Knuckles leans on the table and turns his attention back to the pair of Dunmer.
Knuckles: So the light has been discovered, and we need to follow it. How do you suggest we start?
Raloren: I say we set a course for Nirn, our home planet. That's where the light is coming from, and it should be bright enough for us to easily see it from space and follow its trajectory.
Wario: Sounds easy enough to me. Follow a big orange light? This'll be a piece of cake! Sweet, delicious, devil's food cake...
Mew: Aaaaand he's gone.
Raloren: Mike, you're still captain of the ship, and nothing happens without your approval. We may have disagreements, but I still respect your authoritah.
Mike: Did you just quote Cartman? I can see past our religious differences already!
Knuckles: Are you joking?
Mike leads the others in standing up, and they follow him out of the lounge and back onto the bridge. He takes his seat in the captain's chair, settling in happily, relishing any opportunity he gets to do what he's about to do.
Mike: Mew, set a course for the planet Nirn. Warp 666.
Wario: You're trying way too hard to be funny, M.
Knuckles: *facepalming groan*
Mew: … course laid in and ready for warp, Cap'n.
Mike takes a deep breath and smirks.
Mike: Engage.
The guys cross the light speed barrier, light is distorted outside, and the Defender goes into warp, bound for the planet of the Elder Scrolls.
A few hours later...
From a distance, the whimsical, fantasy world known to the most dedicated of RPG fans as Nirn doesn't look much different than the planet of Super Mario Odyssey, Pokemon, and Sonic Adventure, to name a few. Some planets, like our heroes' home one, is a massive conglomeration of fandoms merged into one for the sake of literary convenience. Other planets, like the Earth of present day reality, also bear a striking resemblance to the great big velour marble. Right now, what separates Nirn from its sister planets is the massive orange beam of light emanating from a light brown spot on the surface, from the famous continent Tamriel.
Space travel is unheard of in this region, as the provinces of Tamriel are still in a medieval stage. It's a life of barbary, sabotage, magic, and mayhem, but it keeps the big ball rolling in space. To the planet's inhabitants, any space vessel taking a high orbit would appear to be little more than another star in the sky.
And so it comes as no surprise when one such vessel makes a twinkling appearance high in the sky, where a pair of Thalmor witness a star spontaneously flickering where there was previously only blackness. And, being Thalmor, they hit themselves on their heads with clubs and start dancing around in their underwear because Thalmor are fucking stupid.
At a closer proximity, however, we see the Defender approach Nirn, bound for the orange light that will soon guide its way.
Mew: We've arrived at Nirn, Mike.
Mike: Huh. You know, this is one of those places I've always thought about visiting, but never got around to it.
Wario: You'd completely lose yourself if you started exploring Skyrim.
Mew: Yeah… I'd have to agree. You'd be a goner.
Mike: Let's just cross that bridge when we come to it and do what we came here to do.
Knuckles: There's no way you don't see that beacon.
Knuckles points out the orange light coming from the planet. Mike takes another look at the screen. Deep down, he is pretty embarrassed for not having noticed it right away, but he makes his best attempt to remain nonchalant.
Mike: Oh. You mean that light?
Knuckles: Yes, Mike. That big orange light we came here to find. Raloren, is that the one?
Raloren: Indeed. The Scrolls say whoever finds the beacon may follow the trail of light to find the answers he seeks.
Wario: When do we get to start shooting things?
Raloren: We need to plot a course directly parallel with that path.
Marikoth: Do you know what exactly we should be expecting?
Raloren: No, but that's why we're here.
Knuckles: Agreed. I'll be honest, I didn't think there would actually be a light trail, but now that I can clearly see it, I'm intrigued. I say we follow it.
Mew: I don't see why not.
They all look at Mike, slouching in his chair. He sighs.
Mike: Alright. Mew, follow the trail, and let's see where it goes.
Mew: On it.
With the press of a few touch buttons, the Defender moves its trajectory to run exactly parallel with the light. Closer up, it looks like some sort of laser. It's incredibly bright, and no one on the ship feels the need to fly directly into it. As they progress further along the trail, something grabs their attention yet again.
Marikoth: It looks like the light is fading the farther we go.
Raloren: Are you sure?
Marikoth: I mean, what if there's no actual end to this trail? What if it fades off and doesn't lead us anywhere?
Mew: I can still clearly see where it's going. I can follow it until it fades so much it's out of sight.
Mike: Alright, guys. We keep following the light until the trail gets too dark. If it ends, and we're in the middle of nowhere, we turn around and go home.
Knuckles: Mike, this could be a really important discovery…
Mike: I'm sorry, Knux, but I don't like the idea of flying around here chasing—
Mike is interrupted by a bright flash on the view screen. The video feed is a bright, solid white. Everyone on the bridge shields their eyes.
Mike: Goddammit, I thought this thing had an adjustable brightness!
Mew: What the hell is that?!
Raloren: Wait… it couldn't be…
The light fades, and a huge portal appears at the end of the light trail. It doesn't appear entirely stable, resembling something of a vertically-aligned galaxy with a deep black spot in the middle.
Knuckles: What is that?
Mike: It kind of looks like a black hole...
Raloren: It's the portal at the end of the trail! The Bethesda Wormhole!
Marikoth: The what?!
Raloren: The gateway to another place and time! This must be where we find our answers!
Mike: Oh no. Oh no no no no. I am NOT taking my ship through that thing.
Knuckles: Come on, we found the light, we found the portal, we're doing great so far!
Mike: Forget it! I'm not putting my ship in danger!
Wario, Knuckles and Mew glare at their captain.
Mike: Or your lives!
Wario: Isn't it nice being an afterthought? I say we cross through, just to piss him off.
Knuckles: I say we cross, because I'm genuinely excited about what's on the other side.
Marikoth: I'm with Knuckles.
Raloren: I think my vote is pretty obvious.
Mew: Don't mind me, I'm just the driver.
Mike sighs. He's clearly been outvoted, and there's little he can do at this point but try and compromise.
Mike: Fine. Fine. We go through, but at the FIRST sign of trouble, we teleport straight back home, no questions asked. Agreed?
Everyone else exchanges looks and take turns nodding at Mike. He lets out a deep breath, trying to relax. He wants to look unimpressed, but even he is having trouble keeping his curiosity in tow. He's also beginning to feel nervous about the idea of meeting a deity he's denied for his entire adult life.
Mike: Mew? Take us into the Bethesda Wormhole.
Mew: Aye aye, sir... *gulp*
The Defender approaches the wormhole at a crawling speed. Mike grips the armrests on his chair in anticipation, but he's not the only nervous individual on the bridge. Wario is biting his nails, Knuckles has his eyebrows raised, and the elves are holding on to the bottoms of their seats. Mew is relaying his thoughts directly to Mike, and he's not being shy about his feelings of dread and terror.
The ship crosses the portal, and the guys find themselves in a bright, colorful, super cool, cylindrical space tunnel. It's reminiscent of a scene from 2001.
Mew: Whoa. Trippy.
If this were a TV show, you'd be hearing "Rods and Cones" by the Blue Man Group.
Knuckles: Come on Mike, you gotta admit this is cool.
He is silent. He's completely mesmerized by his colorful, spacey surroundings, but he remains tight lipped so as not to look like an idiot at this point. About five minutes into the passageway, the tunnel dissipates, and the crew find themselves a light year or so away from an unfamiliar planet.
Mike: Where are we?
Knuckles: Checking the area.
Knuckles completes a readout of their current position.
Knuckles: According to these findings, we've arrived at the planet Earth in the mid-21st century, soon after the entire world was nuked in a planetary war.
Mike: Oh wow...
Mew: Mike? The orange trail is back. It appears to be hitting the planet right in the middle of a major city.
Wario: They still have cities among the nuclear ruins?
Mew: Apparently so. Several humans escaped by hiding underground and have been slowly trying to rebuild life on the surface.
Knuckles: I can't believe there are still survivors despite all the fallout...
Mew: All the what?
Knuckles: Fallout.
Everyone briefly stares at the view screen as we have a temporary view of them from its perspective.
Mike: Well, Raloren, what's your next move?
Raloren: We need to go down to the surface and find where the light is leading us.
Wario: Right in the middle of radiation land? I think not!
Knuckles: We can do it. We still have our hazmat suits from Scorch's cave equipped in the armory.
Wario: We do? Why?
Knuckles: In case you eat another metric ton of baked beans again, farty-o.
Mew: Hey, at least this gives you free range to pass all the gas you want without killing us!
Wario: Yeah, yeah…
Armory
We cut to the ship's armory near the cargo hold, where they are all putting on EV suits. These are designed to help anyone breathe anywhere (with the possible exception of directly behind Wario's ass). Their suits are different colors for easier recognition. Wario's is purple with yellow details, Knuckles' is red with white details, and Mike's is black with grey details. Mew is the only one with the power to survive in these conditions unassisted. Raloren and Marikoth have taken plain white spare suits.
They begin to collect and load their weapons. Mew continues to stand unassisted, only relying on his natural powers. Mike looks through his weapons stash.
Mike: Damn.
Mew: What?
Mike: I forgot to get the BFG again!
Wario: I don't trust you with one of those.
Knuckles: BFG?
Wario: Big Fucking Gun. It's from Doom. Pretty much annihilates anything in sight with a single trigger pull.
Being the group's tank, Wario grabs a blaster with a built-in grenade function.
Wario: Wah hah hah!
Mike takes a pair of small blasters. Wielding two weapons is his signature fighting style, in part due to his last name.
Mike: Knux, what about you?
Knuckles: I'm not really a guns guy. Shadow the Hedgehog pretty much ruined them for me.
Marikoth: Well, you're gonna need some kind of weapon. I'm the team medic, but I'm still bringing my crossbow. Raloren's a wizard, so he can cast some pretty powerful shit.
Raloren: I think I'm gonna need to cast some pretty powerful shit if I have to drink any more of Mike's coffee…
Mike: Potent stuff, ain't it?
Knuckles: What if I just use a crossbow again? I had a lot of fun with the last one!
Marikoth: Fun? You SHOT me!
Knuckles: Exactly!
Marikoth tries to facepalm, but is reminded that he's wearing an EV suit with a helmet when he accidentally slaps it. He rolls his eyes as Knuckles makes a poor attempt to conceal a snicker.
A few minutes later...
Earth in the mid-21st century has been reduced to little more than a radioactive desert. The remains of trees, structures, and vehicles lay scattered across the land. A breeze flows, bending the dead twigs and carrying poisonous trash along its way. We pan across the devastated scene before settling on a flat, dusty spot. Six transporter beams begin to materialize, taking the form of a six-man away team on a divine quest. They immediately draw their weapons and look in all directions for any sign of hostility.
Wario: Well, at least we know these suits work.
Knuckles: Yeah. My Geiger counter is going berserk.
Wario: That's not what I meant.
Knuckles: Huh?
Wario grins evilly.
Knuckles: Sick, Wario.
Raloren: There!
He points ahead to the same orange light. It looks much larger on the surface than it did in space, and it appears to hit the ground inside a walled city about a mile away.
Wario: Why couldn't we have beamed in closer?! I'm not walking all the way!
Mike: Are you crazy? Have you ever seen a post-apocalyptic movie? There's no telling what kind of radioactive monsters we're gonna find in there!
Raloren: Well, that's the way we need to go.
Marikoth: What are we supposed to find in there?
Raloren: I don't know. It's not mentioned in the Scrolls. We'll have to go and see for ourselves.
Knuckles: Lead the way.
The six sojourners—four slackers and two elves—continue their quest on foot as they approach the walled city. For a Fallout setting, it's a little out of the ordinary. There is a large gate to the city, and the wall is far too high to scale. It almost looks inspired by medieval design with a contemporary touch of simplicity (meaning laziness or lack of motivation on the builder's part).
They stand side by side before the wall, the gate slightly to their left.
Knuckles: How do we get inside?
Wario: Can you teleport us, Mew?
Mew: No can do. I have no idea what's on the other side of that thing, and I'm not risking warping us directly into a zombie apocalypse.
Raloren: What about your grappling hook, Mare?
Marikoth: No good. Even if the hook did have that kind of range, there's no way all of us would be able to muster the strength to scale that wall.
Knuckles: And by "all of us," you mean Wario, right?
Wario: Grr…
Mike: Knux, can't you climb walls and cliffs?
Knuckles: Yeah, but there's also the risk of someone being at the top of that wall waiting to kill me. We need to approach this tactfully.
Mew: We could ask that guy.
The others look around.
Knuckles: What guy?
A figure appears on top of the wall, leaning over slightly. His EV suit is a combination of red, white and blue. His helmet is adorned with the fleur de lis, his arms are a bit poofy by the shoulders, and he is sporting a very thick French accent.
Guard: Ello? Who eez eet?
Mike gets a strange sensation of déjà vu. He looks around at his companions, and it's silently decided that he'll speak first.
Mike: I'm Mihalis, captain of the Defender. This is my crew. What city is this?
Guard: This city is La Connasse, the last defense of Jean Claude and the Merde Maidens.
Mike: Um... can you go tell whoever's in charge that we need to get inside? If he can help us, he can go with us on our quest to see what's at the end of the orange beacon from space.
Guard: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already been there, you see?
Taken aback, Mike raises an eyebrow in confusion.
Mike: What?
Wario: He says he's already been there.
Mike looks back up at the guard.
Mike: Are you sure he's been there?
Guard: Oh yes, it's very nice!
On top of the gate, the guard whispers to multiple other guards hiding behind the wall.
Guard: I told 'em the we've already been there.
The other guards cover their mouths and giggle. Mike is a little unsure of what to say, and awkwardly resumes the conversation.
Mike: Well… um… can we come see it too?
Guard: Of course not! We don't allow silly bedwetting spacemen into the city!
Mike: Why the hell not?!
Wario: Bedwetting?!
Guard: Mind your own business, shit suckers!
Mike and Wario start getting angry. The others are simply confused.
Mike: If you won't let us in, then we'll just barge in anyway!
Guard: You don't scare us, Prime Universe poultry fuckers! Go and suck on a radioactive metal pole, you tiny-brained wipers of other peoples' bottoms! I blow my French nose at you, so-called Mihalis captain! You and all your silly Prime assturdnuts!
The guard makes moose antlers with his hands and blows raspberries at them.
Mew: What a strange person.
Mike: Now wait just a minute—
Guard: I'm not talking to you anymore, you emptyheaded animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Mew: … is there someone else we could talk to?
Guard: No! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
Mike: Goddammit, shut the hell up or I'll do it for you!
As Mike continues his threats, the guard signals the other guards on the other side of the gate. Two of them slowly bring a radioactive cow with a horn on its forehead and three udders on its belly.
Mike: And if you had any idea of what you're dealing with, you'd—
He is interrupted by the radioactive cow, having just been catapulted over the wall, flying in their general direction.
Wario: Jesus Christ!
Mike: Run away!
The guys scamper away from ground zero, and the cow ultimately lands on a nearby kid, his face almost completely concealed by an orange parka. He lays motionless and quite squished underneath the extremely heavy three-uddered bovine.
Mike: Oh my god! They killed Kenny!
Mew: You bastards!
Knuckles: I'll tear those fuckers apart!
Marikoth grabs a rampaging Knuckles, holding him in place.
Marikoth: Wait a minute! We need to come up with a plan! We have to approach these guys with our smarts!
Mew: … we're screwed.
A few minutes later…
The solitary French guard remains on the wall after having taunted the potential intruders to the brink of despair. The ferocity of his taunting had taken them completely by surprise, and they have run off into a nearby forest of dead trees, out of sight. He's not completely sure, but he thinks he hears the sound of large engines firing up in the distance. His fears are confirmed when he sees vehicles slowly approaching the city from a few miles away.
As they get closer, he realizes the extent of the carnage that is to come. For the guards are French, and their city is now being approached by six German panzer tanks. One of them can be heard as his distorted voice is echoed from a speaker on the tank.
Mew: Attention, French persons! This city is now under new management!
Guard: Sacre bleu! Germans! *he pronounces it with a hard G*
Mew: Open the gate and surrender your forces or we will begin a shitstorm of bullets, grenades, and flatulence!
Guard: Oui oui! Opening the gate now! Eek!
The tanks close in on the city as the gate opens and they drive on through without a struggle. All over, French people can be seen panicking as the tanks roll through.
Mew: All guards must leave the city forever, or we will begin forcing citizens to eat sausage and drink beer that doesn't taste like draugr vomit!
Marikoth: Didn't we already use that simile?
Raloren: When?
Marikoth: In the intro.
Raloren: What intro?
Marikoth: Forget it.
French person: Mon dieu! Non! Not good beer! Not ze fourth wall! Oh, the humanity!
The taunting guards all clear out of the city, and the guys park their tanks. They each get out one by one and reconvene by Mew's tank.
Knuckles: That was way easier than I thought it would be.
Wario: Well, what did you expect? These guys would surrender to a paralyzed Magikarp.
Raloren: Good work, Mew. I'm impressed you were able to spawn tanks like that.
Mike: Yeah, how did you do that?
Mew: I teleported them from the WWII surplus yard at EA Games.
Mike: You'd better put them back, otherwise they're gonna send us one hell of a microtransaction bill.
Wario: Greedy bastards.
Mew promptly spins in midair and warps the tanks back to where he found them.
Raloren: Good work. Let's go find the light.
Wario: Finally!
Raloren leads the way as the troupe continues on foot toward their destination. The terminus of the light is concealed by a few buildings, and they walk through the streets trying to reach it. They only run into three dead ends, each one more annoying than the last. Finally, the end of the trail is in sight. The light shines on what appears to be a large, ancient temple.
Mew: Whoa...
Knuckles: I wish I had more time to look at this place and study its archaeology.
Wario: Nerd.
Mike: There's no denying it's a beautiful building, but I still think this is some kind of trick...
Marikoth: Let's at least go inside and see what we find.
Mike: Be my guest.
As they approach the temple, Raloren again takes the lead, visually in awe of his surroundings. Although the outside of the building has been marred by wreckage and decay, the inside looks almost completely untouched. The floor is marble, only littered with a thin layer of dust, and delicately carved pillars support the stone roof.
Mew: Wow! This is incredible!
Marikoth: Who do you think built this thing?
Knuckles: No idea, but I would love to find out.
Mew looks around for Mike, awaiting his latest smartass remark. However, he finds him standing in front of a large mural. Mike is eyeing the large, carved piece of art.
Mew: Mike?
He flies up to his trainer and floats right next to him. Neither of them knows why Mike is so taken by this mural.
Mew: What is it?
Mike: I'm not sure... something about it seems... familiar...
The mural depicts six men sitting around a table, partaking in some kind of drink and playing a tabletop game.
Mike: It's like, I feel like that's supposed to be me, but that doesn't make any sense.
Mew: Not really, no.
Mike: Maybe... I don't know... another life? Another reality? A dream? Or maybe this is the dream?
Knuckles: Sounds like someone's finally coming up with their questions for God.
Mike: They're rhetorical!
Knuckles: Whatever you say, M.
Raloren follows Knuckles in his approach of the mural and its admirers.
Raloren: Are you alright?
Mike: Yeah. Just a little weirded out.
Marikoth: Me too. It's almost as if we are the people in the mural. You, me, Raloren, and two others.
Mike: That one guy kinda reminds me of Grim.
Knuckles: Well, other than an oddly well preserved interior and this mysterious, ancient mural, there's nothing here. Do you know what we're supposed to do next?
Marikoth: I think it was something about a chant.
Raloren: Indeed. The Scrolls are a little hazy on the details, but if I understand correctly, if the proper chant is uttered, then the path will open for us.
Wario closes his eyes and forms circles with his thumbs and index fingers.
Wario: Aaaaaooouuuummm...
Knuckles furrows his brow, annoyed.
Wario: Aaaaaoo—ow!
Knuckles knocks the top of Wario's head with his fist. Wario squints, more annoyed than hurt.
Knuckles: Raloren, you're the resident expert on spirituality. What kind of chant do we need to say?
Raloren: Something pleasing to God.
Knuckles: Spirituality is a part of me, but blind praise and worship is definitely not.
Raloren: No, not that! I mean we need to say something he likes!
Marikoth: Well... what does God like?
Raloren: God is pleased by German food, Pokemon with perfect IVs, cigars, and Toto.
Mike: Toto?
Raloren: Yep. Toto.
In a moment of awkward silence, the guys all look at each other. The word "Toto" can only mean one thing, and a moment of divine inspiration comes to all of them at the same time. They know exactly what to do. They all join hands, face the mural, and close their eyes.
Everyone: *in perfect harmony* It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you … there's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do … I bless the rains down in Africa … gonna take some time to do the things we never had …
The crew is suddenly engulfed in a bright orange light. They are all forced to shield their eyes, becoming completely unaware of what's happening around them. Within the temple walls, the light grows brighter and brighter, then blinks out of existence. The temple is left sitting completely empty once again as the scene fades to black.
Elsewhere...
Fade in to a close up of the top half of Mike's face, his eyes closed. He groans as he slowly opens them, and we zoom out to reveal his location. He's standing on what appears to be a rocky path floating in a massive void. The sky and the ground have been replaced by a series of dark colors swirling around like a humongous aurora. He looks around, and upon checking behind him, he sees the others, spread apart about ten feet each, all trying to figure out what just happened.
Mike: Great, I'm having a nightmare.
Wario: If you are, then do us all a favor and wake up now!
Raloren: Lubbock...
The strange word gets the attention of the rest of the group.
Knuckles: What?
Raloren: This place. It must be Lubbock. The nether region in which nothing exists.
Marikoth: Of course! The place they told us about as children, where God resides in a vast expanse of absolute nothingness! Lubbock!
Mew: Whatever it is, this is unlike anywhere I've ever been. I've been all over space and time, but this feels like an entirely different category. I'm not even sure I could teleport us out of this.
Mike: Great. Just great. You're telling me we're stuck here?
Knuckles: If we are, don't you think we should make the best of it and learn what we can? We could be the first people ever to make it here!
Wario: If there's no food, I'm not interested.
Mike: I'm with Wario. I'm starving.
Wario: I say we eat Knuckles first.
Knuckles: Like hell you will!
Mike: Nah. Echidnas are too gamey. Let's eat you, you're the fattest.
Voice: Resorting to cannibalism won't be necessary.
The guys jump, startled by a huge, booming, echoing voice. They all look stunned, but everyone's reaction is unique.
Raloren: God?
Silence for five seconds.
Voice: You have done well, my son. You and your friends are the first ones ever to have reached me here... in Lubbock.
A bright orange light appears before them on the floating, rocky pathway. The light grows to near supernova brightness, before disappearing in a flash. The crew open their eyes and see a man before them with a full beard, long curly hair, a toga, and a cigar in his right hand.
God: Behold, for I am God. Although you may call me Blake.
Needless to say, the guys are blown away.
Mike: No. Fucking. Way.
Mew: … now that, I was not expecting.
Marikoth: Why does everyone keep saying that?
God: I have to commend y'all for journeying above and beyond to find me!
Raloren: Oh, praise you, Blake! Praise you!
Raloren falls to his knees and bows before Blake.
Marikoth: I can't believe it! It's him!
Marikoth joins his friend in worship.
Wario: Oh, what the hell—I mean heck!
Wario joins them as well.
Mew: Wario?
Wario: Kissing ass in case he thinks about zapping me or something!
The god known as Blake puts his hand on his chest and chuckles.
God: Now now, there's no need for that!
God waves a friendly arm in front of himself. He smiles, the slight Southern drawl in his voice providing a sense of comfort. Raloren looks up, unsure of what to think.
God: Come on, get up. For fuck's sake, I'm glad you're here. It's good to have company!
His profanity-laced encouragement is enough to make the guys on the floor willing to get back on their feet. Blake then turns his attention to Knuckles.
Knuckles: I gotta say, you're not what I expected.
God: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Knuckles: I have a zillion questions for you.
God: All in good time.
God looks behind Knuckles, and sees a completely petrified Mike.
God: You okay?
Mike looks as if his soul was ripped from his body. Ghostly white and completely blown away. Years and years, teenage angst and adolescence, what feels like a lifetime of radical atheism is suddenly a blur.
Mike: I… I…
Here stands a man even more taken aback than he was the day he discovered his true parentage at age 31. A man who, just yesterday, would have bet all the cigarettes in the world on his confidence in the lack of God. A man whose bowels are starting to feel pressure, and he can't decide if he should attempt to squeeze out a fart, or if the risk of it being a small poop is too great. His shock, combined with the pain involved in holding back gas, is too much for him to take.
God: You must be the "radical atheist" of the group. Well, boom, son! Here I am!
Mike: This isn't... I... but...
Mew: You okay there?
Mike: … no. My life, my way of thinking... I thought I had it all figured out, but...
God: You're not the first one to have his entire conscientiousness called into question.
Mike: I just can't believe it! I mean… GOD!
God: Mhm. Yep, that's me.
Marikoth: How long have you been waiting for us?
Raloren: What are the secrets of the crimes against humanity in the Old Testament?
Mew: Why is it that we drive on parkways but park on driveways?
Knuckles: Why is my family destined to protect the Master Emerald?
God holds a hand up, indicating his desire for silence. The others obey, but are antsy in anticipation. They all have so many questions, and want to take the opportunity, for they may never get another chance.
God: I'll be honest, I was only expecting one of you. I haven't had a lot of time to prepare for a group of six.
Wario: Five and a half.
Mew: Fuck you, Wario!
God: It's okay, Mew. Wario is just jealous because he has a microcephalic penis.
Mike: Hah! You just got burned by God!
Wario: Rrrgh…
God: And Mike, you've never believed in me because you convinced yourself as a child that a world that caused you so much pain and suffering couldn't possibly be conceived by a being capable of intelligent design. Grow up, own your mistakes and learn from them, and stop trying to be a whiny fucking edgelord douchebag!
Wario: HAH! *gives Mike the finger*
Mike looks embarrassed beyond belief.
Knuckles: How do you know all these things about us?
God: I'm God. Duh.
Mew: Hey!
God: Just like I know about that time you contracted AIDS as a teenager from that stripper in Station Square, then used the Master Emerald to cure yourself.
Wario: *whistles* Knuckles, you bad boy!
Marikoth: Looks like our little red guardian has a few dirty secrets!
Knuckles turns bright red and begins fuming. He then remembers it's probably not the best idea to punch God in the face, and he calms down.
God: Anyway, as I was saying, I'm prepared to answer a question from one of you.
Wario: I've got a question.
Wario steps up. The others look a little uneasy, but Mike's eyes widen so much even Gowron would be scared.
Mike: Wario… don't…
Wario: But I'm curious!
Mike: Wario, I swear to God—no offense, Blake…
God: None taken.
Mike: If you so much as dare THINK about saying what I think you're gonna say…
God: He has taken up my offer first. He may ask the question. Go ahead, my son.
Wario: Okay then…
Mew has to fly over to Mike, whom looks like he might seem if his parents had been killed in a burning cigarette factory.
Wario: Why hasn't someone invented garlic toothpaste?
God: …
Mew: …
Marikoth: …
Knuckles: …
Raloren: …
Mike: … Wario, you unbelievable, shit brained, small penised—
God: Because such an invention would be disastrous should it fall into the wrong hands. I grant inspiration to those whom seek it, and there is a reason I have declined to allow anybody to invent it. The world is not yet ready for such an accomplishment.
Wario: Ah, damn. Oh well. Mike, what's your question?
Mike: …
God: Um, that was the only one. I said I would answer only one question.
Wario: … huh?
God: I'm glad I was able to offer you guidance. Now go! Go forth and spread the word! The word is BAMF! For I am Blake, the biggest BAMF of the universe created by my design! Peace be with you, and may your lives be as fulfilling as an evening of whiskey and cigars!
Blake holds his hands in the air, and the dark colors swirling in the void begin to brighten. The group is almost blinded by the bright orange light surrounding them. Stomachs are queasy, eyes are in peril, and questions remain unanswered.
They look around to find themselves standing in the middle of a closed Slackers after hours.
And they aren't very happy with Wario.
Wario: *nervous laughter* Whoops…
Mike: Twenty years. TWENTY YEARS of being angry about a lack of divine justice. Being angry at God for making growing up such a pain. The opportunities. The answers. Ruined. BECAUSE OF YOU!
Wario: Mike, let's not get too worked up…
Mike: I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU!
Mike roars as he leaps for Wario, beating him senseless. Wario tries to fight back, but the pure, raw, primal rage building inside his business partner is too much to contain. The others are all more than a little pissed as well, but even Knuckles can't take the sight of Mike wailing on Wario so fiercely. He tries to pull him off and is thrown aside. Finally Mew uses Psychic on Mike, forcing him to hold still.
Mike: LET ME GO!
Mew: Dude. Calm. The fuck. Down.
Mike: Rrrrrgh!
Mike grunts, struggling to fight the Psychic hold, but he's no match for his Level 101 Mew.
Mew: Mike, listen to me. You are completely insane. You need to ease up.
Mike: No! We found God! I actually FOUND GOD! And it's all for nothing!
Wario is too badly bruised to say anything. The elves slowly back away. Only Knuckles remains still.
Marikoth: I'm really uncomfortable right now.
Raloren: Yeah…
Mew finally lets go of his powerful telekinetic hold. Mike collapses to the floor on his hands and knees, his head hanging low.
Mike: Why? Why is it after all these years of being so angry at God, that when I finally meet him, it means absolutely nothing?!
The two elves slowly meander toward the front door and make their exit. Mike is too upset to care. Mew is too distracted, and Knuckles isn't about to throw them under the bus. He and Mew slowly approach their devastated friend. It's a rather pathetic sight, but the mutual feeling of disappointment floods the room. All they can do is wait this out before things return to normal.
After all, I'd probably be feeling the same way.
Knuckles: You think this would be a bad time to remind him that he has to dye his hair pink now?
Mew: Only if you're not in the mood to singlehandedly start World War III.
Epilogue
The countryside of Kalos is endearing and heartwarming. Spring is coming soon, and trees have begun to grow and rejuvenate for the new season. It's still cold, snow is on the ground, but it's beginning to melt. Humans and Pokémon live and work together to enjoy their peaceful and serene lives in Vaniville Town.
Slowly making their way down a neighborhood street are a man and his Mew. It was only last night he returned from his quest to find God, only to be returned home and have nothing to show for it. Thankfully, he has recently found sanctuary in a small home in the faraway region. He is wearing his favorite leather jacket, dark jeans, and a black and grey beanie he recently received from the same home as a late Christmas present.
He approaches the house and is greeted by his loving mother, keeping in character as she is delighted to see her only son. She shows them in as he sits comfortably on her sofa after removing his jacket. Mew goes into the kitchen with her to prepare some coffee. It's normal for Kalos, but a New Donker might call the blend extremely dark and potent. Just the way he likes it.
Mike: You did remember to use Amnesia on Wario so he'd forget I almost killed him, right?
Mike is feeling remorseful and embarrassed about his actions after returning home from Lubbock. His mind has also been flooded with how to feel about finding God, and how poorly he had been treating anybody simply for thinking differently. Thankfully, Mew has been understanding enough to help him work through it.
Mew: I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
Mike: I can always count on you, buddy.
Mew smiles as Amanda returns with two cups of coffee, one for her and one for him. Mew has chosen to decline, since he doesn't particularly handle caffeine well (see: the eruption of Mount Vesuvius).
Amanda: Something on your mind, honey?
Mike: Mom? Can I ask you something kinda personal?
Amanda: Anything.
Mike: What do you think about the idea of God?
Amanda: Well… honestly, I haven't given it much thought. Why do you ask?
Mike: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Amanda: Try me.
Mike: I, um… well… long story short, I found God. I mean, I literally found him. And before I got the chance to get any answers, I was sent home.
Amanda: … now that, I was not expecting.
Mew: That line has now been officially overused.
Mike: And I… I just… I don't know what to think anymore. When my adoptive parents and I had our falling out, I was so angry at God. They were pretty strict religious fundamentalists and didn't like my questions. I convinced myself there could be no such thing, but… maybe… maybe I was in denial? I mean, I didn't know what to expect!
Amanda: So it wasn't the experience you had in mind, and you're disappointed at the outcome.
Mike: That's putting it mildly. You always know what to say, so I thought maybe you could give me some insight.
Amanda calmly takes a sip of her coffee and sighs. Obviously Mike got his temper from his other parent, as she's never, ever shown any sign of hostility.
Amanda: Well, like I said, I haven't given it much thought, but I've kept an open mind. I find it healthy if I'm open to being introduced to new ideas. When my way of thinking is challenged, I see it as an opportunity to grow as a person. The more I learn, the more I can enjoy out of my life.
Mike looks at the cup of coffee he's holding in his two hands, at a loss for words.
Amanda: Mihalis, you're not going to find all the answers to life from someone else. Whether they're God or they're just pretending, it doesn't matter. We don't owe it to ourselves to make ourselves servants to someone because they claim to have power over us, or answers we're searching for. Each and every individual is responsible for his or her own life and what they make of it.
Mike looks up at his smiling mother. He doesn't mind her calling him by his real name, seeing as she's the one whom gave it to him.
Amanda: It took me a long time to come to terms with that. I can't count on anyone else but myself to make me feel fulfilled. I struggled with it for a long time. When I was with your father, I felt my purpose was to assist him in achieving his goals. It wasn't fair to me, and when he became corrupted by his own power, he tried to assert it over me. I knew then that just because he had power, it didn't make me his servant. So I left him. It was heartbreaking, and the hardest thing I've ever had to do, apart from giving you up. Every day for 31 years I thought about you and wondered where you were. I thought of you every second of my life. And when you returned, everything changed.
Mike: How?
Amanda: I spent a long time moving around, trying to find a sense of purpose. I was obsessed with finding out why I was here. But you know what? I learned that it doesn't matter. Why we're here isn't relevant. The fact is, we're here, whether we like it or not. So we owe it to ourselves and others to demonstrate selflessness and spend our time being alive making it better for everybody.
Mike: I think I understand.
Amanda: It was the day you came to my home when I realized I was right. Now that you're here, I've become happier and more confident. I feel lucky enough to have a sense of purpose. And I'm of a full conviction that I'm alive to be a good person, and especially a good mother. I can't give you your answers, you'll have to find them on your own. But just remember that no matter what you do, you'll always be my son, and I'll always be so proud of you and support you in whatever you do.
Mike and Mew are both on the verge of tears. Mew smiles, savoring the moment.
Mike: I love you, Mom.
She walks over to him and sits with him on the sofa, wrapping her arms around him. He lets the tears fall as he casts pride to the wind, allowing himself to be comforted by his mother.
On the other side of the room, Mew looks out a window with a smile. For the first time since being rejected by someone he loved, he too feels like he has a reason to enjoy being alive again.
To be continued…
2019