SLACKERS
EPISODE XVII
DEAR MEW
Ah, Valentine's Day. A day mercilessly created by capitalist American business institutions to make all men—single or married—miserable. A time of filling the shelves with red, white, and pink candies and toys, a time of heart-shaped everythings, arrows flying across the sky from imaginary babies with angel wings calling themselves Cupids or some shit like that. A time of significant others expecting the world from their partners. A time of those without lovers to quietly reflect on their solitude and their meaningless, lonely lives. A true corporate paradise if there ever was one.
For the guys hanging around the New Donk bar known as Slackers, it's a time of perpetual groaning and dread. One of the occupants of the building's penthouse, Misty, is absolutely in love with the day. She loves the special princess treatments, even though she's considered herself a lifelong tomboy. Those treatments are expected to come from her own partner, the bar's co-owner, Mihalis. He's a man whom has had love completely ruined for him multiple times, but clings on to the hope that someday he may finally feel that sense of fulfillment he's been longing for all his life.
For Wario, the day is about as stereotypical as they come. His girlfriend, Mona, is extremely popular among those identifying with the male gender. She's seen as a prize catch, albeit an easy one, but one Wario must fight to maintain. Especially after he went completely fucking bonkers when he had his short stint playing for a professional football team. Now he has a lot of ass kissing to do to make up for all the fame and glory he completely forgot to share with his exhibitionist lover.
Knuckles hasn't had a partner for quite some time. Not since the girlfriend he was with almost twenty years ago: the one with whom he had his daughter, the current guardian of the Master Emerald. Tonight, however, nothing short of a miracle has happened to him. Recently he's reconnected with his old friendly rival, Rouge the Bat, a competing treasure hunter with whom he has an old grudge. However, their mutual love of treasure hunting has brought them together as friends, and they are going to give this day a try.
And Mew? He's the one whom has been single for his entire life. No one knows how old he is, but he still possesses the instinctual disposition of a child. He is as capable of making sound decisions as any one of his peers, but he embraces the childlike sense of wonder he's never let go of. Nevertheless, being the only known Mew in existence is discouraging, and today only serves as yet another reminder of that fact. Now, if you'll excuse the excruciatingly long introduction, let's get underway and see what the four idiots are up to right now…
Mike: Fuck.
Knuckles: Subtle start, M.
Mike: You'd say the same thing if you had a hand you liked and got cheated out of winning.
Wario: What are you talking about, "cheated?" I bet. You folded. And lost.
Mike: You always pick your nose when you're bluffing, fat ass!
Wario: Maybe you shouldn't rely on signals that don't exist. God, what a baby.
It's two days before February 14. Well, a day and a few minutes before, actually. I guess that would make it February 12. A Sunday, so the bar has closed, and it's now around 11 PM. Mike, Wario, Knuckles and Mew are sitting at their table playing poker once again. Wario, taking his finger out of his nose, has just won the last hand with a 6-10 straight, netting 225 in chips. Not an insane amount, but enough to keep the fat Italian happy until the end of the next hand.
Wario: Come to papa!
Wario scoops up the chips in the middle of the table and proudly adds them to his stack. Mike takes a large swig of his fifth beer of the evening, outrunning the others, whom are all finishing their fourth.
Mew: I'm kind of surprised you're drinking as much as the rest of us, Knux.
Knuckles sets his beer bottle down and lets out a belch.
Knuckles: I know. I'm normally not a fan of getting drunk.
Mike: I got news for you. You're hanging out with the wrong crowd.
Knuckles: Yeah, I picked up on that eight years ago. I just get especially thirsty around this time of year.
Mike: I know what you mean.
Mew picks up his beer bottle with both hands and stares at it blankly.
Mew: *sigh* Me too.
He polishes it off and uses Psychic to send another cold one floating his way. On the way, Mike grabs it and pops the lid off before letting go so it can float its way to its end consumer. Knuckles collects all the cards on the table and stacks them into a neat deck.
Knuckles: Your deal, football star.
Wario: Thanks, old timer.
Wario shuffles the deck while humming a tune. He places the cards in front of Knuckles, whom proceeds to cut the deck before handing it back. Wario deals out the hand, and the guys each take their pair of cards.
Wario: So what's your excuse for having a mopey February?
Knuckles: Well, normally I get tired of all the obnoxious capitalization on a garbage holiday.
Mike: Probably the only thing all four of us agree on.
Knuckles: Believe it or not, I actually have plans this year.
Mew spits out his drink, which lands on Knuckles' pissed face. The echidna stares blankly at Mew as he wipes his face off with a nearby towel.
Wario: Valentine plans? You?
Knuckles: Long story.
Mike: We've got time.
Knuckles sets his cards down and checks the hand.
Knuckles: I actually caught up with Rouge the other day.
Wario: Rouge the Bat? The treasure hunter? I thought you hated her!
Knuckles: 20 years ago, yeah. When she made me smash the Master Emerald and tried to steal it for herself. But we've been talking again and we decided we're going to go spelunking in Mt. Moon.
Mew: Good luck getting around the millions of low-level Zubats.
Mew begins drinking his beer faster. He's almost caught up with Mike, whom is almost done with his fifth.
Knuckles: Taken care of. I'm planning on stocking up on tons of Max Repels.
Mike: You have learned wisely, grasshopper.
Wario checks his hand as well and takes a drink.
Wario: At least you don't have to spend the day kissing your girlfriend's ass.
Mike: She still hasn't forgiven you for what happened?
Wario: *sarcastically* I wish. I've already built her a garden, scrubbed all her appliances, trimmed her toenails, and waxed my-
Mew: Stop. Stop. We get it.
Mew closes his eyes and shakes his head furiously. He checks his hand, too.
Knuckles: You could, I don't know, dump her?
Wario: Nah. She put up with my shit, so I figure it's only fair that I put up with hers.
Mike: How uncharacteristically generous of you, War.
Wario: I mean, sure she's a wild one, but she's still a person deserving respect.
Mike checks his hand, and Knuckles deals the turn card.
Mike: You know what I call guys like you?
Wario: Mike, I swear to God, if you say what I think you're about to say, you're next in line for a good waxing!
Mike stops to carefully think about his retort. Fortunately, he doesn't have to alter it in the slightest.
Mike: A good boyfriend. That's what I'd call you.
Wario: That's what I thought, schoolboy.
Mike: FUCK YOU!
Knuckles: … schoolboy?
Mew covers his giggling mouth, trying hard to hold back the laughter. Knuckles shakes his head, deciding disinterest is probably the wisest response.
Wario: Speaking of being whipped—sorry, a good boyfriend—what is Misty making you do this year?
Mike: She said I don't have to do anything special. Thank God. It's a huge load off my shoulders.
Wario: Oh boy.
Mike: What?
Wario: Anytime a girl says that, she's full of shit. All women want special treatment from their men, especially on Valentine's Day.
Mike: We have a pretty good understanding of each other, I don't see why she would say one thing and mean something completely different. And something I'm supposed to magically know without even asking.
Wario: It's a miracle you've been in the same relationship for 18 years.
Mew sighs and sinks a little more into his chair, but the others don't seem to notice.
Mike: You're just saying that because you and Misty used to hate each other until only a few months ago.
Wario: Trust me, M. You'd better do something special for her, or she'll kick your ass to the curb. If I can handle sucking up as much as I am, you can handle a goddamn steak dinner.
Mike groans and rubs his forehead.
Mike: I hate this freaking "holiday…"
He finally takes his turn and checks the hand. The guys seem to be taking the game less and less seriously as time goes by.
Mike: I guess I owe it to her to do something special, considering all the shit I've put her through over the past year.
Mew takes another large drink of his beer, holding it in both hands and staring blankly at the label again.
Mike: Maybe I'll get a hotel room, or a short getaway in Station Square. She's always liked Twinkle Park.
Knuckles: You just go there because they still have their "cute couples get in free" policy and you're a cheap bastard.
Mike: Hey, I'm not arguing.
He looks to his right. A somber looking Mew is sitting in his chair.
Mike: You've been quiet, buddy.
Instead of responding, Mew polishes off his beer and floats another one directly toward him. Mike grabs the beer, but doesn't open it immediately.
Mike: You feeling okay?
Mew: Can I have my beer, please?
Concerned, Mike opens the beer as Mew asked. He lets go, and Mew floats it directly to his hands, where he proceeds to drink more. He sets it down and lets out a small belch.
Mike: What's going on? Was it something Wario said?
Wario: Bite me!
Knuckles: Nah, you're probably poisonous.
Mew: Mike… do you seriously not realize how lucky you are?
Mike: What do you mean? All night, my hands have been horse crap.
Mew: No, not that! I'm talking about Misty!
Mike: What about Misty?
Mew: It shouldn't be a chore to shower her with all that stuff. If I were you, I'd be exhilarated.
Mike awkwardly rubs the back of his neck.
Mike: Well… I mean, it's not like I'm ungrateful…
Mew: I know… I know. I guess… *sigh* it just must be nice to be able to do that.
Wario: To do what? Scrub toilets and spend money on useless junk?
Mew: To make someone who loves you happy. It's hard to find something like that these days.
The guys are silent. Mew closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He takes another huge swig, and the alcohol is beginning to truly take over. Either that or it's loosening him up to the point of being able to share the embarrassing truth.
Mew: I just wish someone loved me. That's all.
Mike: Mew…
Mike reaches over to put a hand on his friend's shoulder.
Mew: I hate being alone. I'm so tired of it. No amount of strippers or power or beer can make it go away.
Mike: Mew, we love you.
Wario is a little uncomfortable, but he nods in agreement. Knuckles is a bit more solemn in his nod.
Mew: I know you do, Mike. It's not the same.
Mike pauses to try and understand how Mew feels. He hasn't been single since he was 13 years old. Mew could be 17, he could be over a million. His memory of events before his capture is so hazy, it's almost as if he was born as Mike's Pokémon.
Knuckles: Damn, Mew. I had no idea.
All of the guys take another drink. Knuckles sets down his cards and chips. Poker night as well be over tonight, since minds are clearly miles away.
Knuckles: You know we're here for you.
Mike: Always.
Wario remains silent, but Mew can tell he feels the same way. Wario checks his watch.
Wario: It's getting late. Coming up on midnight. That means T minus 24 hours until National Shitshow Day.
Mike: Joy of joys. I'm fine with calling it a night. I need to stop drinking so I don't get ridiculously hung over again.
Knuckles: Yeah, you've been pretty overboard lately.
Mike: Thanks for the reminder. Ugh…
Mew floats out of his chair. The other guys stand up and follow the small Pokémon to the front door. The ground outside is still covered in white, powdery snow.
Mew: Wario, need a lift back home?
Wario: Yeah, if you don't mind. I don't feel like taking the subway to Koopas again.
Mew: Okay. See you tomorrow.
Wario: Later, guys.
Mike: Night, War.
Mew is motionless as a brief flash of white appears around Wario, and he disappears from sight. Now that he's gone, Knuckles approaches Mew.
Knuckles: I should be getting home, too. You know where to reach me if you need it, okay?
Mew: I know.
Knuckles reaches into his glove for a Chaos Shard. He holds it to his chest and closes his eyes.
Knuckles: Chaos Control!
In a similar manner, a green flash appears, and Knuckles warps out of the bar, leaving only a man and his Mew.
Mew: Well, that was a boring game.
Mew sighs and slowly floats for the elevator as Mike shuts off the remaining lights. Thankfully, this is the elevator that only has two stops: the bar and the penthouse, so there's never a wait. A red light appears, the bell chimes, and the doors open. Mike and Mew silently enter the lift, filled with a melancholic atmosphere. The doors close, and they disappear from the bar.
Three hours later…
Mike is plagued with insomnia tonight. Although things are good with Misty, nothing he does helps him remain asleep. He managed to stay unconscious from 1 to 3 AM, but his restless mind had other plans. He rolls over twice, being one whom has always preferred sleeping on his front. He checks the clock for the fourth time: 3:12 AM. He rolls over again to see Misty sleeping soundly. He remembers the coffee he had before going to bed in an attempt to sober up. What a stupid mistake that was.
Finally, he admits defeat to his victorious instinct to stay awake. He slowly gets out of bed and puts on his robe along with a pair of pants. He doesn't want to risk Mew seeing his junk again after last time when Mew freaked out and used Disable on it, preventing him from being able to go the bathroom for hours. That was a rather unpleasant evening. Thankfully, the nightmares have ended, and always leaving the bedroom with some form of clothing has become a habit.
He walks into the living room to find Mika asleep in his chair. Mike smiles and walks to the glass wall overlooking the city. Having a wall made of glass in February doesn't exactly keep the place warm, but he likes the way the cooler air feels when standing next to it. He looks outside, and Mew isn't there. He doesn't sleep outside often, but he's been known to doze off when he's been on the balcony, thinking to himself. Mike looks in the kitchen and the living room, but there's no sign of Mew.
Mike: Please don't let there be another letter…
Mike begins to worry. He knows Mew is most likely in his bed in the lounge adjacent to the bar, but it's unusual for him to spend the night there, too. Normally he sleeps on the couch, or occasionally at the foot of Mike's bed. The bar owner takes the private elevator down to the first floor, and the doors open to reveal a dark, eerily quiet drinking establishment.
He hears an odd sound coming from the lounge. Something he hasn't heard in years. It can't be the TV as it's powered off. He slowly walks that way and cracks the door open to reveal Mew, crying in his bed. He cautiously enters the room, wanting nothing more than to make his friend smile again.
Mike: Mew?
Mew immediately stops making noise. He fidgets a little and realizes it's only Mike. He rolls onto his side facing away from the door, trying to hide his face.
Mew: Shit, I didn't think you'd be here at 3:15 in the morning.
Mike: Mew, I heard you. What's going on?
Mew: Nothing. Just tired.
Mike: Come on. That's not gonna work.
Mike turns on the lamp sitting on the side table between the sofa and the recliner. He sits in his chair and pats his thigh.
Mike: Talk to me.
Mew sighs. He doesn't get out of bed, but he does roll over to face Mike. He can tell he's been upset for quite a while.
Mew: I can't take it anymore.
Mike: Take what anymore? Feeling lonely?
Mew nods and sniffs.
Mew: Everyone around me has someone. If I were anything else, I'd stop whining, get up, and go do something about it… but I can't.
Mike: Why not?
Mew: You know how I always say I'm proud to be a Mew? Omnipotence and all that?
Mike: Yes, I'm well aware of that.
Mew: I'd give all that up to have what you have with Misty. I'm the only Mew anyone has ever found. Sometimes I hate being the only one.
Mike: What about the lady Mew that Celebi mentioned?
Mew: I haven't heard anything. I don't know if she even exists. Celebi could have just seen me and thought I was a female. I don't know. Maybe she was just saying that to make me feel better.
Mike: I dunno, buddy. I don't think Celebi would have anything to gain from lying to you about something like that.
Mew: It doesn't matter. As far as anyone knows, there's still only one of me. I'm never gonna… never gonna find…
Mike stands up and walks over to his hurting companion. He starts rubbing Mew's back, calming him down.
Mike: Look, Mew… I'd be bullshitting if I told you I knew how you felt. I can't possibly know, and I'm sorry.
Mew: I'd rather hear that than "oh, I know exactly what you're going through!"
Mike: I know. You've been my partner for 18 years, so I think I've gotten to know you pretty well.
Mew: It's just not fair…
Mike: I know, little buddy… I know.
He remains silent, but reminding Mew he's there to listen. Sometimes he doesn't want advice, just company. Mike slowly puts his hands under Mew to pick him up. Ordinarily, Mew would zap or fry or freeze him for doing so, but tonight, he couldn't give a rat's ass. He lets Mike pick him up and carry him to the recliner. Mike adjusts his robe and sits down, placing Mew in his lap. Mew rests his head on the armrest and passes out almost immediately.
Mike: Hang in there, Mew. I'll help you through this.
He closes his eyes and dozes in and out of sleep. Then he comes up with an idea. He takes out his cellphone and begins typing a message to his sister Emily.
Mike: *text* Hey Emmy, do you still have a way to get in contact with Celebi?
He puts his phone away, assuming Emily is asleep by now. He's surprised when he gets a response within the minute.
Emily: *text* Yeah, everything ok?
Mike: *text* All good. Mew's feeling lonely. Thought some company from another Legendary might cheer him up
Emily: *text* I'll get right on it, oniisan. Give Mew a hug for me
Mike: *text* I will.
Mike puts his phone away. He rests an arm along Mew's back, gently scratching the back of his sleeping head. He rests his own head against the back of the recliner, and he finally falls into a deep sleep.
The next morning…
Sunlight barely peeks through the partially open lounge door as Mike begins to wake up. The night had surely been restless, but in the end, sleep couldn't elude his strong will… by which I mean overindulgence in pre-bedtime caffeine. He rotates his neck, stretching it and trying to get rid of a kink that has developed within the last few hours. He looks at his lap to find a snoring Mew. The Pokémon looks deep in sleep, peaceful and in the middle of a well deserved rest.
Mike checks his phone and sees a text from Misty.
Misty: *text* Where the hell did you go?
Mike looks at Mew and smiles before responding.
Mike: *text* In the lounge with Mew. He was having a rough night. I'll explain in a bit.
Misty replies with a thumbs-up emoji. A combination of a bladder nearing capacity and a desire to explain the situation further brings Mike to decide he needs to get up somehow. He slowly scoots forward in his chair, careful not to wake Mew up. He is able to stand up and gently carry Mew to his bed, placing him down under a blanket. He tiptoes out the lounge and heads up his private elevator.
Upon reaching the top, the door opens to reveal a pajama-clad Misty heating up some frozen waffles.
Misty: There you are!
Mike: Hey, sorry about that.
He takes a whiff of a lovely scent.
Mike: Did you make coffee?
Misty: Yep!
Mike: You're an incredible woman, Kasumi.
Misty: And you're way too easy to impress, Mihalis.
Mike smiles and pours a cup of coffee, savoring that first sip like it's the lifeblood that fuels every fiber in his being.
Mike: Ahhh…
Misty takes a seat at the counter, sipping from her own cup.
Misty: So what's going on with Mew?
Mike: Oh, he's sad about being lonely again.
Misty: Oh. Poor guy…
Mike: I mean, I wish I could empathize with him, but it's hard. I don't really know how that feels.
Misty: Sure you do. You can be with someone and still feel lonely. We've both been there.
Mike: Yeah. Something I'm trying to forget.
Misty takes another sip of her coffee.
Misty: Oh, I forgot to mention. We have a visitor.
Mike: We do?
The sliding glass door opens by itself. Mike turns around to witness the Legendary Pokémon Celebi enter their home with a smile on her face. Mike is thrilled to see her.
Mike: That was fast!
Misty: Huh?
Mike: I asked her to come over.
Celebi: I hear there's another Legendary here who needs cheering up!
Mike: I texted Emily and asked her to see if Celebi could keep Mew company. You know, get him through the day.
Misty: You did? How uncharacteristically thoughtful of you!
Celebi: So where is he?
Mike: He's down in the lounge on the first floor. Give me a minute, I'll go get him for you.
Celebi: Alright.
Mike nods at Celebi, turns around, and heads back for the elevator. He fails to notice Misty has tilted her head and is twirling her hair on her finger. Mike descends back to the bar, where he enters the lounge to find a still-sleeping Mew.
Mike: Mew?
He's completely motionless. Mike starts rubbing Mew's back in an attempt to wake him up.
Mike: *singing* Meeeeew…
Mew squirms a bit and barely opens his eyes. The sight of someone right in his face as he's waking up causes him to panic. In a half-awake daze, he instinctively uses Psychic to send Mike flying through the lounge door, landing on a bar table. The action wakes him up fully, and upon realizing what he's done, he floats into the main area, clearly embarrassed.
Mike: What the hell, man…
Mew: Sorry… you know not to sneak up on me like that!
Mike: I was gonna tell you that you had a visitor upstairs, but I'm starting to have second thoughts.
Mew: Wait, I have a visitor? Upstairs?
Mike: What, is there an echo in the room?
Mew: Who is it?
Mike: See for yourself.
Mew flies for the elevator, followed by a clumsy Mike trying to scramble to his feet. He makes it through the doors just in time. Inside the elevator he dusts himself off and glares at Mew, whom smiles nervously while avoiding direct eye contact. Finally the doors open, and Mew is greeted by Misty and Celebi in the living room.
Mew: Celebi?
Celebi: Hi, Mew!
Mew rubs his eyes. He definitely hadn't expected to see Celebi today. This is the first time he's seen her since he ran away to Mt. Moon last year.
Mew: Uh, h-hey! What are you doing here?
Celebi: Well, I thought I'd come by and check on you! Hadn't heard from you in a while so I figured I'd keep you company!
Mew: Keep me company?
Celebi: Sure! No one wants to be alone this time of year.
Mew glances at Mike, suspecting his involvement. Mike casually whistles, staring out the window.
Mew: Mike, did you ask Celebi to come here after we talked?
Mike: Not directly.
Mew, while happy to see Celebi, is clearly annoyed with Mike for spilling the secret.
Celebi: Look, Mew. Mike reached out to me because he thought spending some time with another rare Pokemon might cheer you up. I haven't seen you in a while, and I thought it might be fun for us to hang out for a bit!
Mew: Yeah, that does sound fun…
Celebi: I promise, he only did it out of love. He really cares about you, you know.
Mike: Don't push it…
Mew: Well then. That's good to know!
Mew smirks. Now it's Mike's turn to feel embarrassed. But at least all is out in the open, and all is forgiven.
Misty: Why don't you show Celebi around the city, Mew? She's never been to the Metro Kingdom, and it might be fun to have a tour!
Celebi: What do you say? I love exploring new places.
Mew smiles. He's genuinely touched by his friends going out of their way to help. For some reason, however, he also feels a little uncomfortable, and he finds himself unable to understand why.
Mew: Well… I guess the first thing to do would be to visit Pauline?
Mike: There you go!
Mew: She's the mayor, and she can tell you all about this place. If history is your thing.
Celebi: Are you kidding? I'm a huge history nerd! Let's go!
Mew: Alright!
The sliding glass door opens telekinetically, and the two exceptionally rare Pokemon take off flying out of the penthouse. Mike and Misty close the door and stand by each other, looking outside. They see Mew and Celebi flying circles around each other, clearly enjoying each other's company.
Misty: I'm impressed, Mike. The way you really stepped up to cheer up Mew when he needed it.
Mike: Yeah, well… wasn't nothing.
Misty turns to him and grabs his shirt collar, turning him toward her. She runs her fingers up his chest.
Misty: It's actually pretty sexy.
Mike: It is? Uh—I mean, yeah, well… you know me…
Misty: Oh, shut up and come here.
She takes his hand and leads him through the living room to their bedroom. Mike is a little confused, but otherwise more than a little excited at the events to come. Misty shuts the door.
Later…
It's around lunchtime at Slackers. The bar has been open for the last hour, with Wario setting up and running the place by himself. Mike isn't always there right on time, even though he lives in the same building, but Wario is accustomed to getting business going solo. Right now, he's especially thankful for his job, because it means he has a chance to get away from his slave-driving girlfriend.
Wario looks outside to see a familiar green flash accompanied by the spontaneous appearance of his best customer, Knuckles. The red echidna enters the bar.
Knuckles: Evening, everybody.
Everyone: Knuuux!
Wario: How's your day going, Mr. Echidna?
Knuckles: Valentine's is tomorrow, it's still snowing like crazy, I woke up with a Charlie horse, and my head hurts. Just fine and dandy.
Wario: Fine and dandy?
Knuckles: No. I feel like hell. I need a drink.
Wario: Coming right up.
Wario pours a glass of wine for Knuckles, whom wastes no time getting started indulging.
Knuckles: Where's Mike?
Wario: Running late, as usual.
Knuckles: Weird. Usually he's here by the time I arrive.
Wario: Who the hell knows. I can't be bothered right now.
Knuckles: Why? Because Mona isn't making you kiss her ass by doing painful, tedious chores?
Wario: No, because I just smoked some really good crack. YES, I'm tired of kissing her ass!
Knuckles: Well, it could be worse.
Wario: How?! Please, if you can think of ANYONE who's having a bigger problem than me, I want to meet them!
The elevator doors open, and an extremely irate-looking Mike emerges. He stomps for the bar and begins furiously cleaning beer glasses. Knuckles and Wario stare at him, confused and unsure of what to say.
Wario: … hey, Mike!
He ignores him.
Knuckles: How are you?
He ignores him, too. Wario groans.
Wario: Jesus, what crawled up your ass?
Mike loses his temper and slams the glass down to the floor, shattering it into a million pieces. Wario and Knuckles are wide eyed and a little scared.
Mike: It's NOTHING, okay?! Just butt the fuck out and let me do my job!
The other guys are completely speechless. Mike realizes what he's done, rolls his eyes, and begins picking up as much of the broken glass as he can.
Knuckles: Mike?
Wario: Are you gonna tell us what's going on, or am I going to have to deal with this all goddamn night?
Mike: Don't. Push me. Wario.
Wario: Do you need to take the day off or something?
Mike: I'm fine! Leave it alone!
Wario: Not if it's gonna make you a complete asshole tonight. Either you tell me why you got your panties in a wad or I'm leaving you to run the place yourself.
Mike storms up to Wario, looking like he's ready to kill him. He gets in his face, seething in anger, but he begins silently counting to ten. He backs off, turns around, and sighs.
Wario: Fuck. I think I might've just shit my pants.
Knuckles: If I wore pants, I'd have shat them, too.
Mike turns back around and pours himself a glass of water. Stimulants don't seem to be getting anything done.
Mike: Look, it's just a personal… private… issue. Okay?
Wario: M, you can tell us. We're your best buds.
Mike: If I told you, you'd have a field day for the rest of my life.
Wario raises both eyebrows.
Wario: Okay, now I HAVE to know. What's going on?
Knuckles: Wario…
Wario: I guarantee his week hasn't been as shitty as mine. Maybe I can help.
Mike: I don't really need help from you… not with this…
Wario: What's that supposed to mean?
Mike: I… *sighs* okay, you have to swear not to tell anyone… or laugh.
Wario: I swear. As your friend, your business partner, and your confidante, I hereby take a respectful oath of secrecy, respect, and dignity. Now tell me already!
Mike: I… I…
Mike takes a deep breath and grinds his teeth. He knows he's about to make a mistake by telling the truth, but it can't possibly be any worse than having Wario constantly nag him about it.
Mike: I can't get a boner.
Wario: …
Knuckles: …
Mike: …
Wario: …
Wario: …
Wario: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Okay, maybe it can get worse.
Mike: GODDAMMIT, WARIO!
Mike slugs Wario in the face, sending him falling to the floor. Wario has completely lost the ability to contain his laughter. Knuckles winces upon hearing the thud from Wario's thick skull impacting the hard wood floor.
Knuckles: Ooh… ouch…
Wario: Hahahahaha, oh my god, oh my god, hahahahaha!
Mike: You've got about five *censored* seconds to get out of here before I *censored* you with a splintery *censored* and make your last meal a boiling *censored* topped with your own *censored*!
Knuckles: Jesus Christ, dude!
Wario continues laughing, and Mike readies a swift kick. Wario sees this and stumbles out the front door, laughing hysterically as he walks down the street and out of sight.
Mike: That unbelievable motherfucker!
Mike turns his attention to Knuckles.
Mike: What, are you gonna laugh and make me feel like even less of a man, too?
Knuckles: No. I mean… I'll admit, it's a really unfortunate problem…
Mike: You think?!
Knuckles: Maybe just a teensy bit funny…
Mike repeatedly bangs his head against the wall. Knuckles tries to let the giggles escape while Mike isn't looking, but deep down, he feels an incredible wave of pity come over him. Knuckles begins thinking of ways to… indirectly help.
City Hall
On the roof of the tallest building in New Donk City, two Legendary Pokémon emerge from the door. Mew and Celebi fly out and proceed to the top of the spire, offering the best view of the city. Neither of them sits, as they're content to levitate in place right next to the concrete summit.
Celebi: Wow… I've been to a lot of places, but I've never seen a city like this…
Mew: It's pretty incredible. When I first came here, I didn't really know how I'd feel about living in one place forever, but I like it.
Celebi: I'd imagine it's a pretty big adjustment for someone who had spent their entire life wandering.
Mew: I still get that wanderlust sometimes.
Celebi: Yeah? What do you do?
Mew: Well…
He has a flashback to around 11 months ago, when Bowser paid him to sneak up on Mario and flood his mind with X-rated images of Peach being held captive in Bowser's castle. Probably not the wisest story to share with a girl.
Mew: Just… you know, exploring and stuff. Seeing new places, going back to old hangouts… *nervous laugh*
Celebi smiles.
Celebi: I haven't seen a lot of Pokémon around here.
Mew: There aren't a whole lot, since this isn't a region we normally inhabit. Usually it's just me and Mika.
Celebi: Who's Mika?
Mew: She's a Pikachu who lives with us. She was on Mike's team with me when he was still an active trainer.
Celebi: Ah. I have a good Pikachu friend, too. He lives in Viridian Forest.
Mew feels an uncomfortable cramp in his stomach upon hearing the pronoun "he."
Mew: Oh? Sounds interesting.
Celebi: Yeah. If Mika is from Viridian, maybe they're related!
Mew: Small world, I guess.
They float silently, continuing to enjoy the view. While Celebi is distracted by a fascinating building, Mew looks at her. He can't help but notice her smile and her blue eyes. Even the way her wings flap is mesmerizing.
He realizes where his thoughts are heading, and he rapidly shakes his head.
Mew: So, um… who do you usually hang out with?
Celebi: Hm? Oh, no one, really. I've always been a bit of a loner. I like the peace and quiet that comes with it. There's a lot of freedom, too. Something liberating about being the only one of me. Makes me feel one-of-a-kind.
Mew: I know what you mean. Does it ever get lonely, though? Being the only known Celebi?
Celebi: Sometimes, sure. But I cherish my uniqueness. Only I have the capacity to be me, and I think that's pretty special.
Mew catches himself smiling like an idiot. He is intoxicated by her wise words and her optimistic attitude.
He then has to remind himself that Celebi enjoys being alone, and these feelings that are beginning to surface can only lead to one thing: disaster. Mew finds he's having to consciously put those thoughts in the back of his mind, but it's getting harder and harder to convince himself he doesn't have feelings for Celebi. He looks down, extremely worried about his new dilemma.
The penthouse (heads up, incoming ecchi scene, you have been warned)
Mike is in the elevator, on a ride that feels like it's taking hours. Time seems to drag on today, with the exception of his recent smoke break that felt like mere seconds. He likes to go up to the penthouse bathroom for #2, but then again, almost everyone is more comfortable on their home throne. He's tempted to light up again in the elevator, but he knows his life would be over at the hands of his roommate if he were caught.
Maybe when he's done in the bathroom he'll go smoke on the balcony for a minute. Or an hour. Or several.
The elevator doors open to reveal an empty penthouse. Mike sighs and begins walking to the bathroom.
Misty: Hello, sir.
Mike turns around to find that Misty has been waiting by the elevator for him. He's completely stunned by her outfit-a thin, white cotton button down shirt, a short, pleated, plaid skirt, knee high socks, and loafers. Her hair is in pig tails, and she's holding her hands behind her back, swaying her chest back and forth.
Mike: Whoa.
Misty: I hope I'm not in trouble, sir. I know I've been a bad girl. Please don't be too rough with me, mister…
Mike rubs his eyes and slaps himself in the face to make sure he isn't dreaming. He tries talking, but begins stuttering like an idiot. Misty sweetly walks up to him, but he's too petrified to do anything. She finally lets out a huffy sigh and puts her hands on her waist.
Misty: Come on, play along!
Mike: B-b-b-b-but I… I…
Misty: I don't mind what happened earlier. It happens to everyone. I thought that maybe stepping it up a notch might help.
Ordinarily, Mike would throw her down to the couch and make like a raging beast. Today, though?
Mike: Dammit, come on… come on…
Absolutely nothing down south. He looks annoyed.
Misty: Come on, Principal Mihalis…
Needless to say, Mike is less than pleased that even this isn't working. After a minute, Misty stops and lets out a sigh.
Misty: Still not in the mood?
Mike: No, nonono, I am! I really am! I don't know what's wrong!
Misty: … it's okay. Maybe we're just a little off…
She sadly walks away, heading back for the bedroom. Mike clenches his teeth, closes his eyes, and starts shaking his fists.
Mike: Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit dammit dammit!
Worried that he's upset Misty for reasons beyond his control, he waits for about a minute before walking back to his room.
A pigtailed, redheaded exhibitionist cheerleader in a pink and white uniform is waiting for him on his bed.
Misty: Maybe this will help?
Mike: Hahhhh…
He can't believe what's going on today. He absolutely hates that today is the day he has to have ED. Getting Misty to roleplay is hard enough, but his favorite two outfits on the same day? He begins having serious thoughts of self harm… but they can wait until he tries one more attempt. He leaps on the bed and starts making out with her as they feel each other up. She fakes her moans, hoping it'll help.
Still no boner.
Misty suddenly falls out of the mood and sighs again. Mike is devastated that he can't requite anything to his cute cheerleader. Misty sits on the edge of the bed.
Mike: Kasumi… I'm sorry… I have no idea why…
Misty: Mike… can I ask you something?
Mike: Anything.
Misty: I know this sounds stupid, but… do you not find me attractive anymore?
You might as well stick a damn knife in the poor guy's chest. His heart completely sinks.
Mike: Misty, that's not it at all! You know that!
Misty: It's just that… this is the third time this has happened this week. And this is the first day I haven't been able to fix it.
Mike: Maybe it's a medical thing! I don't know! But I promise, it has absolutely nothing to do with you!
Misty: I don't know… maybe we've finally gotten burned out.
Mike: 1,863 times in 18 years isn't exactly what I'd call "burned out…"
Misty: … you've counted every single time?
Mike: Duh!
Of course he hasn't. What man is capable of that? But maybe his bluffing skills in poker can apply here.
Misty: I don't know… maybe we should talk to your doctor.
Mike: I'll make an appointment right away. I'll prove to you that I still think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life!
Misty: Alright… if you say so…
Mike falls backward on his bed and stares at the ceiling before closing his eyes.
Mike: *mumbling to himself* God fucking Jesus Mary Joseph Christmas dammit…
The Drunken Goomba
This is Wario's favorite bar in New Donk City besides his own. He's been here with Waluigi a few times, as well as with Mike and Knuckles when they feel like drinking in a new setting. The owner, Stompy, is a Goomba whom defected from Bowser's army years ago. Stompy and Wario are mutual customers, and on most nights, Wario would be excited to be here.
Tonight is not one of those nights.
He and Mona enter the bar through the front door and take a table seat. The stage is a bit smaller than his, nestled in a corner with a karaoke machine and a stool. Stompy hosts open mic nights here once a week, and every once in a while, Mike will sneak over and play guitar without telling anybody. Stompy sees Wario from behind the bar and hops over to them. Being a Goomba, he doesn't have hands. Thankfully, he has waitresses that do all the handiwork for him.
Stompy: If it isn't my second favorite bar owner!
Wario: Hi, Stompy.
Stompy: What's got you down?
Wario: Nothing, nothing at all! Just tired. Busy week at work and all that shit.
Stompy: Ah, I get that. You guys here for karaoke night?
Wario: Nah.
Mona: Yep!
Wario: Huh?
Mona: Wario and I are doing a duet tonight!
Wario: Now wait just a cotton-pickin' minute—
Stompy: Great! What are you guys gonna sing?
Mona: You're the One That I Want!
Wario: Wait, I never said I'd—
Stompy: Okie doke! You guys are on in thirty minutes!
Mona: Thanks, Stompy!
Wario: Wait!
Stompy happily hops away. Wario leans on the table and glares at Mona.
Wario: You wanna tell me what the hell that was all about?
Mona: You still owe me, big guy.
Wario: Oh, come on! I cleaned your toilet with a toothbrush, repainted your entire house, and got rid of all the carpet stains! Every single one! Haven't I done enough?
Mona: Almost. More kissy, less whiny.
Wario folds his arms and grumbles.
Wario: Stupid heart attack…
The half hour passes like five seconds, and Wario and Mona are called to the stage. Thankfully, Mona has let him chug three beers before going on, so he isn't quite as pissed about it. They do the classic number from "Grease," and incidentally, the song is absolutely ruined forever. Upon the end of the song, four, maybe five individual claps are heard from the bar's other patrons.
Random guy: You suck!
Wario: I know…
Mona takes the microphone.
Mona: And now, for your listening pleasure, my amazing boyfriend Wario will sing the most classic karaoke song of all time!
Wario: Mona… you'd better not be serious…
Mona: Sure am!
Wario: Please! Don't make me ruin Journey!
Mona: Break a leg, babe!
Mona skips off the stage and Wario grumbles in front of everyone as the iconic piano intro starts.
Wario: Goddammit… *singing poorly* Just a small town girl… livin' in a lonely world…
Customers: Boooo! Get off the stage!
Mona sits at the table, cross legged and cross armed, smirking. She's quite pleased with her diabolical plans, happily sipping on her cocktail. Truly a woman after Wario's own heart.
Twenty seconds into the song, a familiar figure walks into the bar. Wario sees his silhouette and recognizes him immediately. If he wasn't forced to do this by Mona, he'd immediately march over and beat the snot out of him. Unfortunately, there's nothing he can do as Mario pulls out his phone and begins recording Wario's distasteful karaoke performance.
Mt. Moon
Knuckles: Careful, Rouge. Just because you see a shiny rock, that doesn't mean it's automatically a DAMN Chaos Emerald.
Rouge: Oh, stop. You're still bitter that you actually had some competition back in the day!
Knuckles: Competition? More like a fanatical wannabe.
Rouge: Cute. I'm beginning to see why your girlfriend left you.
Knuckles: I was drunk! She was never my girlfriend! She was a bitch, you know that!
Rouge: Even though you had a kid with her?
Knuckles: Hey, leave her out of this, bat girl. She's doing a damn good job at guarding the Master Emerald.
Rouge: Way better than your sorry ass ever did.
Knuckles can't decide if he's pissed about that comment, or if he's impressed that he's hanging out with someone who can keep up with his own level of sarcasm.
At the moment, he is scaling a wall inside one of Mt. Moon's largest caves. Rouge isn't far behind him, as she's the only other one he knows that can mimic this skill. They've been walking around the cave, exploring new areas and looking for treasure. So far they've come up empty handed, save for a few Zubats, but he's having a surprisingly good time.
Rouge: You sure you know where we're going, Kneecaps?
Knuckles: Nope. My friend told me he used to explore this place when he was a kid. You should know better than anyone not to trust me, Rouge.
Rouge: So your idea of fun was taking me to a cave full of annoying bats?
Knuckles: … yeah?
Rouge: I love it. It reminds me of home!
Knuckles: Heh. We'll make a Slacker out of you yet.
Rouge: A what?
Knuckles: Forget it.
Knuckles finds a softer patch of dirt in the wall and digs his way inside. He emerges empty handed.
Knuckles: Damn!
Rouge: You're about as lucky here as you were in that poker tournament.
Knuckles: When are people gonna get over that? I've done plenty of things besides cheat in professional poker, you know.
Rouge: I know. But that was a highlight of your later life and you know it! They bring it up because it's fun.
Knuckles smirks. He leaps off the wall and stylishly lands on the ground. Rouge continues to climb the wall and digs in a spot two feet to the left of where Knuckles had been. After a few seconds, an odd-looking stone comes flying out of the hole, followed by a smug-looking Rouge.
Knuckles: What's this?
Rouge: Found it buried about five feet in. It was shiny so I thought I'd grab it, then figure out what it is!
Knuckles: You and your shiny objects.
Rouge: You and your mud. Since that's all you seem to find.
Knuckles: Funny. Real funny.
Knuckles picks up the stone. Its grey color contrasts with the cave's brown walls. It appears oddly polished, as if it has remained buried for countless years. Knuckles dusts it off.
Rouge: What do you think it is?
Knuckles: How should I know? You're the one who found it.
Rouge hops down from the wall and lands next to Knuckles.
Rouge: Let's keep looking around. We can take it with us and find out if it's worth something after we leave?
Voice: Or you could give it to us!
Knuckles and Rouge turn around. They are greeted by three familiar figures. And these are people Knuckles isn't too fond of.
Knuckles: Oh sweet lord, please not these guys again…
Jessie: Prepare for trouble!
James: Make it double!
Rouge: What the hell?
Jessie: To protect the world from—
Knuckles chucks a rock, which impacts Jessie's face, knocking her over.
Knuckles: What do you know? She IS a real knockout after all!
Rouge: Did... did you really just say that?
Meowth: Hey! Bad puns are our thing!
James: Yeah! You can't just infringe on a trademark like that!
Rouge: Trademark? You can't trademark puns. If you could, Knuckles would have done it years ago.
Knuckles: Just for the record, I only said that to piss them off. They thrive on those jokes.
Jessie gets up, and the rock falls from her face. She looks rather pissed.
Jessie: How DARE you damage my beautiful face!
Rouge: Honey, that face was damaged the moment it came out of your mom!
Knuckles, James & Meowth: Ooooooh!
Jessie clenches her fists and they start shaking.
Jessie: I don't have to take that from a big boobed bat!
Rouge: Whatever helps you sleep at night, sweetie.
Knuckles: What the hell do you guys want, anyway?
James: Isn't it obvious?
Meowth: We're here for that Moon Stone!
Knuckles: Moon Stone?
Meowth: Yeah! They're super valuable because they make some species of Pokémon evolve!
Rouge: Super valuable? Thanks for the tip, kitty kitty!
Jessie: Now why don't you do yourselves a favor and hand us that pretty little stone? Then maybe we'll think about forgetting this ever happened!
Knuckles grins.
Knuckles: I have a better idea.
He takes his cellphone out of his backpack, taps the screen a few times, and holds the phone to his ear.
Meowth: A phone call? Seriously? What are you gonna do, tell your daddy on us?
Knuckles: Something like that.
A few seconds pass.
Knuckles: Hey Mike! … Yeah, everything's good. Just ran into Jessie and James. … Uh huh. … Would you mind calling your pops real quick? … Thanks. … You too, brother.
Knuckles hangs up, puts his phone away, and folds his arms, smirking. Team Rocket's phone goes off, and Jessie answers it.
Jessie: Hello? … Oh, yes, boss! … We got a- … What? … Seriously, are you kidding? … N-n-no sir, I'm not questioning your- … Right away, sir!
Jessie angrily puts the phone away and points at Knuckles.
Jessie: You may have won this time, you little red ferret, but you haven't seen the last of us!
Meowth: Wait, what did the boss call about?
Jessie: He said we needed to leave these guys alone or else!
James: Really? Why?
Jessie: How should I know? We can't afford to get fired.
Knuckles: Getting fired from Team Rocket really would be a new low. Probably a world record, actually.
Rouge: I'm confused. Are you a crime trio or a comedy act?
Jessie: Mind your manners, you little bitch!
Rouge shakes her head and glares at Jessie.
Rouge: Bitch?
She charges toward them and jump kicks Jessie, knocking her over.
Rouge: No one calls me a bitch and gets away with it!
Knuckles is enthralled.
Knuckles: Whoa, mama…
Jessie runs off in a comedic fit of sobs.
James: Wait for us!
Meowth: Yeah! Don't leave us alone with those freaks!
They run far away, disappearing from sight. Rouge pops her neck by stretching it, and shakes her arms to loosen up. She turns around to see Knuckles, captivated in his own way.
Knuckles: That was awesome.
Rouge: Don't get any funny ideas, little buddy.
Knuckles: Little?
Mario Bros. Pizza
Mew and Celebi are sitting across from each other at a table by the front window. One of Mew's favorite activities is people watching, and doing it from a pizzeria is the best way to make it happen. The restaurant is no bigger than Slackers. Most of their pizza is picked up as a carry out order or sent out for delivery. The table is covered in a red and white checkered tablecloth, as is commonly seen in pizza shops.
Celebi: So is this place run by the same Mario who lives in the Mushroom Kingdom?
Mew: Sure is. He's almost never here, though. Always off doing celebrity things. His brother manages it.
Celebi: Is this one of your regular spots?
Mew: Sort of. The guys and I come here when we want a more wholesome atmosphere.
Mew perks up at the sight of a man walking in their direction. He resembles Mario, but is leaner and taller. He's wearing overalls over a green shirt, a green cap with the letter L, and a flour-covered apron from the waist down.
Luigi: Mew! Good to see you!
Mew: Hiya, Luigi!
Luigi: Who's your friend?
Mew: This is Celebi. She's a Legendary Pokemon from Johto. I'm showing her around the city.
Luigi: Welcome to NDC, Celebi!
Celebi: Thank you!
Luigi: So what'll it be today?
Mew: Large pepperoni.
Luigi: You got it! I'll have it out in just a bit.
Mew: Thanks.
Luigi walks back for the kitchen, and can barely be heard shouting the order to his employees in the kitchen. Celebi looks at Mew, his eyes seem to be fixated on a couple holding hands and walking down the street.
Celebi: So did you ever patch things up with your trainer?
Mew blinks, realizing he's been practically staring into space.
Mew: Hm? Oh, yeah, we're good. We talked and we're buddies again.
Celebi: I'm glad to hear it. I could tell you really missed your friends.
Mew: I did… so much for finding other Mews, right?
Mew chuckles, nervously and sarcastically. Celebi smiles, but her amusement is only on the surface.
Mew: I'm really glad you're here, Celebi.
Mew smiles, watching her mimic as she looks down, flattered. She looks back up and catches Mew showing an expression she's never seen before. He's looking at her longingly, as if he's debating whether or not to speak his mind.
Mew immediately looks anywhere else, afraid he might have given himself away. The problem is he's not sure if there is a feeling to give away or not. All day, he's been with this sweet friend of his, showing her around and talking like they've known each other forever.
Celebi: You okay, Mew?
Mew: Yeah… hey, listen, Celebi…
Luigi: Pizzaaaaa!
Mew can't decide if he's annoyed or relieved that he has been cut off. Luigi approaches them with a delicious-looking pizza and sets it on their table, along with some silverware and napkins.
Luigi: Enjoy your meal, guys. Let me know if you need anything.
Celebi: Thank you!
Mew: Thanks.
Being Psychic types, Mew and Celebi aren't shy about using their powers to move the slices telekinetically. Two slices of pizza float in the air and toward their mouths. Mew catches his and proceeds to scarf it down. He lets out a belch, and, to his surprise, Celebi giggles.
Celebi: Was there something you wanted to say earlier?
Mew: Um… nothing, just… I was gonna tell you… I have tickets for a Broadway show. It's one of those things you have to do when you're visiting for the first time.
Celebi: That sounds fun!
Mew: Yep… sure does…
Mew looks at Celebi one more time, and he feels the butterflies in his stomach. He finishes his first slice and lets out a sigh, having to remind himself over and over again that he's not falling in love with his companion on the other side of the table.
That evening…
Slackers is coming up on its peak business hours. Most citizens are out for dinner elsewhere since Mike and Wario refuse to sell food, and they come here for a drink or twelve afterwards. Wario has been serving drinks all day, mostly by himself, and Knuckles has gone back home for a few hours before returning for the evening. It was only a matter of time before Wario saw the familiar green flash coming from just outside the window. He is given his usual greeting as he approaches the bar and Wario pours him a glass of wine.
Knuckles: You been here by yourself all day?
Wario: Most of it. Been working hard to make Slackers as unromantic as possible.
Knuckles: Isn't that kind of counterproductive? Don't you want to cater to what people are into and capitalize on their stupidity?
Wario: Halloween or Christmas, maybe. I'd give anything for this time of year to be over.
Knuckles takes a sip.
Knuckles: What'd she make you do this time?
Wario: Karaoke.
Knuckles: Hahahahaha!
Wario: Shut up, jackass!
Knuckles: Hey, if you can make fun of Mike for having ED, I can make fun of you for being—
Wario: Don't say it.
Knuckles: *singing* Whiiiiiiiped!
Wario: If you weren't a paying customer, I'd kick your ass!
Knuckles: Good luck reaching it! Anyone could kick your ass, all they have to do is twitch their foot behind you, you're so fat!
Mike: Take it outside, guys.
Wario and Knuckles turn to the back door, where Mike emerges from a huge cloud of smoke.
Knuckles: Is there a fire outside or something?
Mike: Nope. Just in my lungs.
Wario: Damn. I know you love your cigs, but holy shit, dude.
Knuckles: How much were you smoking just now?
Mike: Three.
Knuckles: Three cigarettes?
Mike: No, three packs.
Wario shakes his head as Knuckles facepalms.
Knuckles: I take it you're still not at your best.
Mike sighs. He's still obviously pissed, but a hint of melancholy has taken over his demeanor.
Mike: Nope.
Wario leans against the counter behind him. In the hours that have passed, his attitude toward the situation has genuinely changed. He's beginning to actually feel sorry for his coworker.
Wario: Well, I'd offer to help fix your problem, but…
Mike: Ehhh, that's okay.
Wario: Good, we're on the same page.
Knuckles: Did it just start today, or what?
Mike: Off and on for a week or so, but the damn thing won't respond to anything today! It sucks!
Wario: At least you didn't have your arch rival post a video of you doing karaoke on YouTube.
Mike: Huh?
Knuckles: Mona made Wario sing karaoke at the Drunken Goomba, and Mario happened to be there to film it.
Knuckles takes out his phone. Wario immediately knows what he's up to.
Wario: Knuckles, don't even think about it…
Knuckles: *smiling* Too late!
Knuckles holds up his phone, showcasing an embarrassed Wario singing and ruining Journey's formerly classic ballad.
Wario: Will you knock it off?!
Knuckles: It's to cheer up Mike.
Mike is silent. He manages a poor attempt at a smirk, but even this can't cheer him up. Knuckles shuts off the video. He can always watch it later.
Wario: Thank god.
Wario cracks his neck and takes the liberty of pouring Mike a beer.
Wario: Sometimes what can't be said with words can be said with beer.
Mike: Thanks, War.
Mike takes a very, very, very large swig.
Wario: Worst case, I have an old penis pump you can borrow.
Mike spits out his drink in shock.
Mike: Uh… that's, um… that's okay. Thanks.
Knuckles: What about Angel Island? It's secluded, beautiful, and peaceful. You could take Misty on a tropical vacation?
Mike: Knux, that's really kind of you to offer, but there's no way that'll work.
Knuckles: Why do you say that?
Mike: Because it didn't even work when Misty already tried dressing as-
He stops himself, realizing he's about to spoil the secret. He remembers Misty didn't have to go out of her way to roleplay the way she did for him, so he doesn't want to betray her trust.
Mike: Never mind.
Knuckles: *at a loss for words* Damn.
Mike leans on the bar as if he were a customer venting to Wario. He wraps his hands around his beer glass, completely devastated.
Mike: What if this is it? What if my libido is totally gone?
Wario looks down, remembering what he has with Mona. Suddenly the chores don't seem quite so bad.
Knuckles: First of all, I'd recommend seeing a doctor. Second, if Misty really loves you, and I'm fairly certain she does, then she'll see past this and stay with you.
Mike takes another huge gulp of beer.
Mike: Maybe… I don't know… guys, I'm worried. I'm afraid of losing her again. I can't take it.
Knuckles: You'll work it out, Mike. You always do.
He sighs and hangs his head low.
The Majestic Theatre
Belle: *singing* We are home… we are where we shall be forever…
Mew has taken Celebi to see Beauty and the Beast, and the show is on its second-to-last musical number. The Beast has been gravely wounded, and Belle is cradling his head in her arms, singing to him and comforting him as he passes.
Belle: No, please! Please, don't leave me!
Mew looks at Celebi. A single tear falls from her eye.
Belle: I love you.
Mew snaps his head directly back at the stage. He knew the three little words were coming, but hearing them spoken…
Mew's mouth hangs open. His breathing becomes more rapid, and the mourning and longing marvelously displayed by the actress on the stage sways him in ways he'd never thought possible. He looks at Celebi's hand resting on the armrest, and considers taking it. He doesn't. But he can't deny what he's been feeling any longer. Mew is in love with Celebi.
The events of the show turn around for the better, and they witness the happy ending. Attendees begin filtering out of the theater, and the pair of Legendary Pokémon are among them.
Celebi: That was so good! Thank you so much, Mew!
Mew can't find the words. He responds with only a smile as they make their way outside. They stop under the lights of the main entrance, directly underneath the marquis.
Celebi: This really is an amazing city, Mew. I'm glad I got to see it with you!
Mew: Yeah… me too…
Mew takes a deep breath. He focuses his gaze on a bench nearby.
Mew: Celebi?
Celebi: Yes, Mew?
Mew: Can we talk?
Celebi: Of course. Is everything okay?
Mew closes his eyes. He flies over to the bench, and Celebi follows him. They both take a seat. Celebi can tell something is bothering Mew.
Celebi: What's on your mind?
Mew: All my life, I've been the only Mew known to exist.
Celebi: Well, that's not entirely true…
Mew: Maybe, but I might as well be right now.
Celebi: Are you still thinking about all that?
Mew: I think about it every second of my life. What it would be like to be with someone as unique and as rare as me. When you said you're happy being alone… it… it kind of blew my mind.
Celebi looks at the ground, but she is able to remain positive.
Celebi: I just find that embracing who I am is infinitely better than constantly wondering if I'll find another one like me.
Mew: But… do you ever wonder… sometimes… what life would be like if someone was at your side?
Celebi: What do you mean?
Mew: I… um… well…
Celebi: Mew?
Mew looks directly into Celebi's eyes, silently pleading for her to understand. Her eyes widen as she begins to understand where he's going.
Celebi: Oh.
Mew: Celebi… you're… you're incredible. I feel like, with you, maybe I'm not so alone. Maybe I'm not the only one like me. I've… I've never felt this way about anyone.
Celebi: Mew…
Mew: I just… I just… Celebi, will you stay with me? Be with me?
Her mouth is slightly ajar. Shocked and speechless.
Mew: Please?
She closes her eyes tightly shut and looks away.
Celebi: Oh, Mew…
Suddenly, Celebi is overcome with shame. She feels like she might have misled him, or sent signals that weren't there. Her heart breaks as she now has to deliver the bad news.
Celebi: Mew… I think you're great…
He immediately knows what that means. His head sinks.
Celebi: But… that's not what I'm looking for. Right now, I'm happier being independent. I can't… I'm sorry, but I can't commit myself to a relationship.
Mew mimics her move by shutting his eyes and looking away. He begins to feel the tears welling up.
Celebi: I'm so sorry, Mew.
He is on the verge of sobbing. Before anyone can see him, he floats off the bench and begins flying away.
Celebi: Mew, wait!
No response. His figure becomes smaller and smaller in her eyes.
Celebi: Mew!
In the distance, the heartbroken and devastated pink Pokémon disappears around the corner of a skyscraper.
Meanwhile…
The speed of the elevator no longer feels different than it would on a normal day. So much anger has been unleashed, so much frustration channeled into screams, Mike has run his emotional capacity completely dry. The threat of Andross, the threat of Tinkles, the threat of Team Rocket… none of these had him feeling so utterly defeated. He pulls his freshest pack of Luckies out of his pocket, but before taking a cigarette out, he simply stares at the soft pack.
Mike: Oh, what's the use…
He stuffs it back in his pocket and sighs. The elevator stops, and the doors open. His head hanging low, he looks at the floor as he walks through his living room, expecting to go straight to bed. He opens the door and is stunned by the sight in front of him.
Misty: Hi, Mike.
Misty is sitting at the foot of their bed, and her latest outfit is the last thing Mike had expected to see. She's wearing a yellow crop top and short denim shorts held up by red suspenders. Her hair is tied in a side ponytail. An exact recreation of the outfit she famously wore when they first... um, did the deed.
Misty: Surprise!
Mike: Misty…
She stands up and slowly walks to him.
Misty: Do you remember the first time we ever tried this?
Mike: I remember being young enough for both of us to get arrested…
Misty: Oh, stop. We were both young. I tried to think of more ways to help you, so I thought I'd recreate that first night.
Mike's eyes are nearly as wide as Wario's ass.
Misty: Remember? It was our first Valentine's together…
Mike: In Saffron City…
Misty: We were stargazing on Route 6 and you surprised me with a hotel room…
Mike: Yeah… yeah, I remember.
Misty: You told me you loved me for the first time.
Mike: Then… then we became each other's first.
Misty: First. And only.
Mike: Yeah. Kasumi…
Misty: Mihalis…
Mike falls in love all over again. Seeing Misty the way she was when they were first together completely refills and overflows his emotional capacity. He feels blood rushing downward. Then smiles as wide as he ever has.
Mike: YES!
Misty blushes and giggles, then tugs on Mike's shirt, and they fall as they let the emotion overtake them and recreate that night all those years ago.
Elsewhere…
We cut over to a place one might call the antithesis of Conker's Cabaret. At Pecker's Playhouse, the kingdom's only male strip club. Mona is sitting in a chair by herself, close to the stage. She's drinking an expensive cocktail and sitting cross-legged, anticipating the next glorious moment.
DJ: Ladies and gentlemen, but mostly the ladies, he's the most amount of man to love, the widest ray of pleasure, the keeper of the ultimate dad bod, give it up for Warioooo!
There's a mixed response in the audience, but Mona is captivated by every second of it. From behind the curtains emerges a short, obese man with short brown hair, a zigzag black mustache, and a black thong, the waist of which is almost completely covered in love handles and a beer belly. Instead of booing him outright, most of the audience merely sits confused and a little repulsed. "My Humps" comes on the speakers, and Wario begins dancing as seductively as he knows how.
Wario: *grumbling* This is so fucking weak…
Upon seeing Wario dance on a pole, Mona bursts into tears of laughter. Wario sees her getting a thrill from watching, and he begins contemplating throwing in the towel and leaving her. The song ends and he leaps off the stage, bound for a solitary chair in a quiet, deserted corner of the club.
Mona smiles, gets out of her chair, and walks over to sit next to him.
Mona: Hey, hot stuff.
Wario: Mona, if you're done whoring me out for revenge, then great. If not, then we need to have a talk.
Mona: Don't worry, Wario. I can't think of anything that would embarrass you more.
Wario: At least Mario wasn't here this time…
Mona laughs nervously.
Wario: … goddammit.
Mona: Listen, baby… no one has ever gone through what you've been going through for me before, ever. When you went crazy, I was afraid you thought you were too good for me.
Wario: I'm starting to wonder that myself.
Mona: But you proved you're willing to do anything to make it up to me.
Wario: So do you forgive me? Can we finally put this whole godforsaken week behind us?
Mona laughs and smiles.
Mona: Yes, Wario. I forgive you.
Wario lets out a huge sigh of relief.
Wario: Oh, finally… I thought I'd never live to see the day…
Mona: And, you know…
She puts her hand on his flabby thigh, getting his attention.
Mona: You're not the only one who has a weakness for strippers…
Wario shoots his gaze back at Mona, whom is twirling her hair and rocking her knees back and forth.
Mona: What do you say I take my favorite dancer back home?
Wario: Yes! What are we waiting for, let's go!
Mona: Alright, let me just go find Steve and we'll go!
Wario glares at Mona. She laughs again.
Mona: Just kidding!
Wario: Ugh… *to himself* it's a good thing she's cute…
Mona: I heard that!
Wario: Damn.
The next morning
February 14 has finally arrived, and the atmosphere in Mike's bedroom is the happiest, purest (well, maybe not purest), and most satisfying in the world. He wakes up first, and the sun is just beginning to rise. He stretches his arms and observes the scene around him. All their clothes are scattered all over the place, and Misty is sleeping on her side, facing away from him. Like him, she tosses and turns, never able to make up her mind about which side she prefers to sleep on. A huge grin adorns Mike's face as he leans over and kisses her cheek. She squirms a little but stays asleep.
He gets out of bed, puts on his lounge clothes, and heads into kitchen for that first cup of coffee. He starts the coffee maker and walks to the window to view the sunrise as he's waiting, but the sunrise isn't the only thing outside grabbing his attention.
Mew is out there, sitting on the balcony wall, staring into space. Maybe at a building, maybe at the sunrise, maybe at absolutely nothing. He has no idea. Mike opens the sliding glass door and slowly walks over to his friend. Mew is motionless as Mike steps to his side and leans against the wall, his arms folded, his head slightly hanging over.
Mike: Well, how'd it go?
Mew doesn't respond. Mike can tell something has made him incredibly sad. He sighs and waits for a minute before saying anything else.
Mike: I got ED yesterday.
Mew struggles to remain silent, but he accidentally raspberries before laughing at his trainer's misfortune.
Mew: Are you serious?
Mike: Yeah. You should have seen how mad I was.
Mew: I could tell. Whenever you're feeling something strong enough, I can feel it, too.
Mike: So can I, buddy. That's why I'm here.
Mew's smile fades as he takes a deep breath.
Mike: What happened?
Mew: I'm in love with Celebi.
Mike could tell Mew was heartbroken about something, but nothing in him is prepared for that news.
Mike: I take it it didn't go well?
Mew: I told her, and she didn't feel the same way. Simple as that.
Mike: Oh, Mew… buddy, I'm sorry…
Finally, Mew has reached the point to where he can't contain himself. He begins sobbing, his shoulders heaving and tears constantly streaming down his cheeks. Mike gently begins rubbing Mew's back.
Mew: It's not fair, Mike! Why do all of my friends get to be with someone and I don't? Why do I have to be so alone? The only Mew? Even that doesn't matter because she's a Celebi, and she still doesn't want me. No one wants me. I'm going to die alone, Mike. It's not fair…
Mike: Mew… hey… it'll be okay…
Mew: If I'm always gonna be alone, what the fuck kind of life is that? What redeeming quality makes a life of loneliness surrounded by people in love a life worth living? No one would miss me. No one loves me. I can't take it anymore!
Mike feels a heavy weight in his chest. He knows nothing he says will make Mew feel better, so he decides to simply stay with him and let him grieve, offering words of encouragement rather than advice.
Mike: Look, Mew. You've been with me even longer than Misty. I know you better than anyone. Throughout everything... the training, the moving, the friendships, the relationships... there's always been you and me.
Mew: …
Mike: When I walked in on Elaine losing her virginity to another guy, it fucking destroyed me, but I recovered. I told myself I'd never find someone, and I did. I promise you, Mew. I promise you, you will. I'd stake everything on that.
Mew: You're just saying that, just like everyone else…
Mike: I would never lie about something this serious, Mew. Like it or not, we're best friends, and as far as I'm concerned, we're always going to be together for everything important. You've always been there for me, and I'm here for you. This isn't a trainer-Pokémon relationship anymore. That dynamic died a long time ago. We're partners. Always have been, always will be.
Mew: I know…
Mike: No matter what shit happens, whatever arguments we have, one thing has always stayed the same. You're my best friend, and I love you, Mew.
A strong sense is projected telepathically from Mike to his Mew. Not words, not direct thoughts, but an instinct to allow grief to take its place. Mew gives in and sobs as Mike stands there at his side, helping him work through his grief and his pain.
A few hours later…
Mew: Thanks for letting me come along with you guys.
Mika: Pika!
Mike: Of course. You guys are my family. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Misty: And it is pretty special. Knowing that we have someone else in the family now.
Mew: I'm really looking forward to meeting her, Mike.
Mike: You'll love her. She's the sweetest, and all I could ever ask for.
Mike and Misty are walking down a stone path from one of Vaniville Town's neighborhood streets to the front door of a quaint country home. Mew is on Mike's shoulders, and Misty is holding Mika the same way she used to hold her Togepi. They approach the door, and Mike gives it a knock. The door is opened by a woman in her early fifties bearing a striking resemblance to Mike.
Amanda: Mihalis, you're here!
Mike: Hi, Mom.
Mike and his newfound birth mother hug, and she shows them into her house.
Epilogue
In the Koopas borough of New Donk City, Mona has taken her stripper home and treated him to a night he won't soon forget. She and Wario are finally back on good terms, on the same page, and enjoying a level of stability they've missed for a long time.
On Angel Island, a green flash appears as Knuckles and Rouge have returned from their cave diving adventure. As a thanks for keeping him company, Knuckles has opted to let Rouge keep all their treasure. She pretends to offer something to him, and he is ready to accept, but she tells him she was just kidding. He happily sends her smart ass back home, looking forward to their next outing.
And in Kalos, Amanda Sakaki's house has never felt so warm, welcoming, and complete. For 30 years she lived by herself, long enough to actually finish paying the damn mortgage. But, to her, that pales in comparison with being reunited with the son she was forced to give up after his birth. At the moment, she is in her reading chair, Misty is on the sofa, Mika is in her lap, and Mike and Mew are arguing over which movie to watch.
Mew: I don't care if it's Valentine's Day, I'm not watching fucking Casablanca again!
Mike: You're just saying that because it's not Planet Kanto!
Amanda: You might have to make the executive decision here, Misty.
Misty: Nah. Watching them fight is fun. Keeps things interesting.
Mew: I'm not watching the same goddamn movie again, ass master!
Mike: At least I'm not an annoying, pink *censored*!
Misty turns red in the face, embarrassed by her boyfriend's language. Amanda simply rolls her eyes and smiles, shrugging it off.
Amanda: I swear, he gets that from his father...
Misty: I kind of figured. Maybe you can reign them in? I've done it enough lately.
Amanda: I'll see what I can do.
She approaches Mike and grabs him fiercely by the ear.
Mike: Gah! What the hell?!
Amanda: You watch your language, young man! Now be nice to each other or I'll never cook fried chicken for you again!
Mike: What?! No fair!
Misty giggles. Now Mike is the one red in the face. Amanda lets go and winks at Misty as Mew puts a hand on his chest and uses his other hand to smugly point at Mike.
Mew: Hah hah! Your mom yelled at you!
Mike: Grr…
Amanda sits in her chair, quietly giving off a smile, but inside, she's overjoyed that she's able to be a part of her new family's life. The bickering bozos finally agree on a movie, and they spend the next two hours quietly watching. Mike sits by Misty, sharing a blanket with her as she rests her head on his shoulder. Mika sits on the floor, as she's a fan of sitting close to the TV. Mew accepts Amanda's invitation to sit in her lap as she brushes his fur, giving him a reason to smile, relax, and be happy for the first time today.
And outside, a small, jade colored Legendary Pokémon watches the happy family through a window, daydreaming about what might've happened if she had made a different choice.
To be continued…
2019