Why can't I move? She'll be on me in a second! Petra's panic rolled off her face, her usual determined expression replaced by horror. The bodies of her comrades were fixed in the front of her mind and a despondent voice accompanied the frozen images. This will be you. You'll be wiped out. This is your time. Someone was shouting somewhere far off. She thought she recognized elements of Oluo's voice but it was muffled by the slamming of her own heart against her ribcage. Each slam seemed to shoot the same message through her blood. You're going to die. In those awful seconds, Petra really believed it.
I never told her. The thought that passes through her brain has nothing to do with this fight, this expedition, her mission. The soldier within her scoffs. Ever the professional, huh? Can't even die without her distracting you.
But, her heart reasons, even while panicking, if she had to die, then why not think of her? Why not fixate on those eyes, the colour of water in a storm, of unpolished sapphires still wrapped in the darkness of earth? Why not imagine brushing her fingers through that silky dark hair, and feeling thin lips caressing hers? Why not cling to the image of the one she loved the most?
There was a thin sense of peace in that.
It was broken immediately by the impact of a body slamming into hers, knocking her sideways. The motion broke through Petra's panic and instinct took over once more. Her hooks released from the trees as her fingers jerked on the triggers and then she was falling. Her eyes fixed on the figure that had knocked her, who had taken her place as the female titan bore down on them.
Petra recognized Oluo a second before a gigantic foot smacked him against a tree trunk. The sound of impact along with white-hot rage cut through Petra at once as she plummeted to the ground,
That's three times, you've asked to die, she thought, snarling as she fired her hooks towards the titan. The hooks connected and Petra was jerked upwards and forwards by her navel, flying towards the titan, more specifically her nape. I'll cut every one of your hands and legs, monster. That's a promise. Faster and faster, she soared towards the creature. The world around her turned crimson in her hatred. Come on, come on, give us this.
She was almost there when a giant hand clamped over the nape. Petra continued her advance. She'd slice the hand off if she had to.
The hand swept backwards in a motion so sudden and so fast that Petra's attempt to dodge was somewhat late. Her body dodged the back of the creature's hand but the fingers bashed into her whole body, stealing all of her breath and yanking her backwards through the air. Pain spread through her.
Her hooks released again and the titan charged ahead, free from attachment. All the while Petra flew backwards for a few seconds. She slammed hard against solid bark. The pain swimming through her intensified in a second, accompanied by a shoot of bile flying up her throat. Vision blurred, Petra released a groan as her body tumbled forward, dropping onto a massive branch. Pain turned into agony which turned into oblivion.
—
I never told her. Levi cursed as she and Mikasa sped away from the slumped female titan. I never fucking told her.
The only body not accounted for in the massacre of the original Special Operations Squad was Petra but the likelihood of her being able to take down this titan alone was slim and Levi couldn't see Petra giving up the fight that easily. Plus, the captain couldn't shake the terrible possibility from her mind that there may be no body because Petra had been eaten entirely. The forest floor was drenched in enough blood for that to be true.
It was just as well that Mikasa was the one carrying Eren's filthy, slimy, unconscious form right now. Levi's grip on her equipment was brutal. Pain throbbed in her head as memories poked at her wall of resolve. Grieve later. Get the brat to safety first.
Even so, her image managed to slip over the wall. Petra laughing next to her, at her desk, helping Levi with paperwork, giggling at her captain's shit humour. Levi would never hear that laugh again, see that smile again or gaze into those extraordinary eyes of hers. Those possibilities were gone forever.
She couldn't bring herself to regret letting them in. Her squad. Her family. Her Petra.
However, she could regret not making the cool, carefully crafted mask of indifference part of her. Not shielding herself better from this kind of pain. Especially after Farlan and Isabel. You never fucking learn. Over her life, Levi had taken many physical punches to the chest, had her head smacked around and been kicked longer than most people could withstand, all before she found her strength.
Breathing in harshly, Levi forced herself to just keep her eyes ahead, watching for the edge of the forest. Losing her would not be for nothing. They'd make it out of here. Her squad's sacrifice would not be wasted.
Ginger flickered in the corner of Levi's vision. A very specific, familiar ginger.
Levi brought herself to a stop, standing against a tree. Mikasa's face stared back at her as she moved away. "Just keep going!" Levi called. "I'll catch up."
There was no doubt that Mikasa would continue to get Eren to safety. Her single-mindedness in achieving Eren's safety was impressive and useful when she actually had him close by. Not so much when she was separated from him; it turned her borderline obsession and overbearing behaviour towards him into recklessness and a disregard for anyone else around her.
The kid needed to get a grip, Levi thought as she focused her own attention on the direction she'd seen the ginger.
It was entirely possible that it was just a trick of the light or a figment of Levi's thoughts about Petra but even so, Levi moved automatically through the air, passing tree after tree, eyes searching for that sight again. What a hypocrite, she cursed as she moved through the air. Can't really talk about Mikasa when I'm probably just chasing a ghost. Just the faintest reminder of Petra had hope flickering in Levi's chest. A hope she was almost certain was about to be snuffed out.
"Ah…"
The groan interrupted Levi's musing and refocused her attention. She brought herself to a stop on another tree trunk and followed the sound with her head.
"Ah."
Right above her.
Levi propelled herself further up the trunk, passing by a couple of branches before she spotted the green-cloaked figure slumped against another branch. Again, she jerked to a stop, this time directly adjacent to the branch itself.
Her heart just about stopped.
"Petra?"
—
At first, Petra's world was steeped in half-darkness and half a blur of gold and green light, as she began to regain consciousness.
She released a small groan as echoes of agony pounded through her head at once. Her body throbbed in answer and just stretching a hand forward along the branch was jarring. "Ah…" she moaned again, her fingers digging into the wood, teeth biting into her lip.
The darkness lifted but the pain in the back of her head worsened in response. She lifted her face slowly, letting her senses adjust.
The coloured blurs began to reform into the shapes of the forest. Trees formed before her eyes; the sounds of leaves rustling and the wind blowing became clear in her ears. The improved vision hurt her eyes for a moment so she squinted to try and ease the painful pressure in her head. She reached her hands up to stroke her temples and regretted it as a wave of vicious agony shot through her.
Just as she did that, another sound cut through the air. The whooshing of a cable, Petra recognized. She carefully turned her head towards the sound.
She was met with the sight of her captain, crouched against the trunk of the tree. A feeling of safety seeped into her skin at once, burrowing into her nerves. It'll be okay. She's here. Petra reached out a hand towards her superior officer, wincing at the movement.
"Petra?" Levi asked, voice raw and cracked. In a moment, she pushed off the trunk and landed somewhere behind her subordinate. Petra could feel her between her legs. "Can you get up?" she asked, placing a hand on Petra's back. Petra gritted her teeth in response.
"Don't know," she answered. "Everything hurts."
Levi's fingers stroked across her back. "I'm sure, but you can't stay here. I'm going to have to move you." Petra's body tenses up at the though. "It'll hurt like a bitch, I'm sure," she agreed, "but there's not much I can do about that without leaving you behind."
Petra's eyes widened instinctively and her fingers dug into the branch harder. She didn't want to be left behind. Maybe that was selfish because there was no doubt that her captain would have an easier time getting away without her. Even so, she wasn't ready to let go of the idea of escaping this place with her yet.
"Easy," Levi's voice was gentle and her hand moved to Petra's shoulder. "I'm not going to leave you behind."
"No?" Petra's voice came out as a whimper.
"No."
—
Hurting like a bitch was putting it mildly.
After checking Petra's legs and arms for signs of broken bones and determining that she would be able to bend them enough to hang onto her, Levi had carefully lifted Petra into a standing position. The hold and the movement had dragged out more than a few cries, whimpers and tears along the way. Especially when the captain had had to turn Petra around to face her and coax her arms and legs to wrap around her shoulders and hips.
"I'm sorry," she murmured against Petra's neck. "The sooner we get out of here, the sooner we can get you onto a damn wagon."
"I know. It's okay, Captain. Thank you." Petra whispers. She tightened her hold on her as much as she could, breathing in through the pain. Instead, she focused on the wisps of hair escaping Levi's crown braid that tickled her nose. She loved the style that her captain chose for her hair. It was both practical and beautiful, just like Levi, for that matter. Must take a while to do each morning but then it wasn't like Levi slept particularly well. Petra pressed down the urge to rest her lips against that soft skin below her ear.
"You ready?" Levi's fists, full of the controllers for her gear, secured Petra against her by pressing firmly against her back. Once Petra murmured her agreement, she stepped off the branch and fired out her cables.
The sudden plummet reintroduced Petra to the feeling of bile shooting up her throat but she shoved her fist against her mouth. No way was she going to throw up on the captain's cloak if she could help it.
Despite adjusting to the extra weight, Levi was fairly accomplished at managing it. With minimal jerking around with the odm gear, she had them flying through the air on a smooth pull within minutes. Petra gratefully felt her nausea disappear.
The throbbing in her head was worse now though and darkness was gathering at the edges of her vision.
"Thank you, Captain."
"It's all right. I'm glad you're alive."
"Oluo… have been if it wasn't for me."
"What do you mean?"
"I froze… I froze. He saved me. She killed him where I had been. It was my fault," Petra mumbled.
"Petra, don't take on that bitch's blame. She killed Oluo, not you." Levi leaned her cheek against Petra's and Petra welcomed it, trying to ignore the pain.
"I shouldn't have frozen."
"You panicked. It happens. We don't exactly have a lot of experience with these particular bastards."
"I know but still-"
"Enough!" Levi's tone was sharp but she kept her cheek against Petra's. "I don't want to hear that bullshit. Focus on staying awake. We'll be there soon."
Petra squeezed Levi a little more as tears rolled down her cheeks, Oluo's death playing over and over in her mind. "Y-yes, Captain."
—
Levi rode with Petra in front of her, a rough journey that worked as a double edged sword for Petra. The rhythmic bouncing movement jolted her regularly, keeping her from slipping into sleep but also racking her body with wave after wave of pain. Levi tried to steady her against her chest to minimize the movement but Petra's quiet cries and gasps - despite her efforts to suppress them - tore at Levi's heart.
Finding Petra had been no less than a fucking miracle, which Levi normally refused to buy into. She didn't believe in shit like fate, destiny or being meant to do certain things. Whatever you wanted to call it. She'd been a realist all of her life. But feeling Petra warm and alive in her arms like this it was as though, after everyone who had been taken from her, the world was now saying, "Here you go. You can have this one back." Relief did not do the feeling of seeing Petra slumped over, however much she was in pain, justice. Levi could only acknowledge that it felt like breathing again.
Like cutting through a titan's grip on you and tasting freedom once more.
Like coming up from the Underground.
The horror of losing her would remain with Levi forever though. She was sure about that. It was burned onto her soul
—
The female titan didn't follow them out of the forest, to everyone's mingled relief and suspicion. Still, everyone was uneasy as they rode out of the woods and made for a patch of clear territory to gather up their wounded and supplies.
Levi carried Petra bridal style to the nearest wounded wagon where she was laid down. Levi's cloak was removed and wrapped over her.
Petra's eyes began to close as soon as she was tucked into the cloak. Lying still like this eased some of the pain already although her back ached in protest. She clutched the captain's cloak even closer to her. Everything seemed to press into her like this, like someone lowering sleep over her.
"Hey," Levi interrupted and amber orbs opened to meet grey-blue ones. "Don't you dare die," she told Petra, hands on the wall of the wagon. "Understand?"
Petra managed the weakest of chuckles. "Understood, Captain."
"Good. Rest up. We'll be home soon enough."
Petra nodded once as the darkness around her vision began to swarm in again. Maybe she'd just rest her eyes for a moment.
—
Petra awoke to a refreshing coolness and immense softness in her surroundings. Before her eyes even opened, she could feel that her pains and aches were almost completely non-existent. As she regained awareness and shifted, she was met with a fading echo of an ache. She began to smile, enjoying the reprieve from it. Her fingers stretched out experimentally, met with the feel of cotton. Cautiously, she opened her eyes.
The bedroom she lay in was filled with a gentle, dim lighting of only a few candles around the room. She was wrapped in thin cotton sheets up to her chest and a floral fragrance greeted her nostrils, followed shortly by the sounds of voices outside. Petra turned her head towards the window where she spotted the familiar, welcome sight of rooftops. Her eyes dropped a little, focusing on a figure in a chair next to her bed.
"Captain," she murmured, biting her lip to stop herself from chuckling.
Petra had never approved of anyone sleeping in a chair, especially not someone who slept as poorly as the captain did. Especially now with Levi sat there, slumped back, arms folded and one leg crossing the other. She couldn't be comfortable like that and yet her facial muscles were loosened, taking away some of her sharpness and making her look younger. Her eyes fluttered away, in dreamland while her lips had slid into a slight smile. Petra watched her. She may not like this sleeping position but dammit if Levi didn't need sleep. Petra couldn't remember the last time she saw her looking so peaceful.
Adjusting herself in bed, Petra drew the covers higher about to reflect on the events of the day. However the creaking bed, stirred Levi who jolted awake, her leg dropping down and hands falling to clasp the chair arms.
"I'm sorry, Captain. I didn't mean to wake you."
It took a moment for Levi's eyes, bluer in the dim light of the room, to focus on Petra. She sat up straighter, narrow eyes sweeping over Petra's face. "You ok?"
"Yes, I feel quite good, Captain."
Levi's lips shifted and she nodded briefly. "You were given some powerful painkillers. Probably what helped you sleep for so long."
Petra's fingers played with the sheets. "The knock on the head played its part, I'm sure."
"The doctor said your head's not too bad. Could have been worse. They'll monitor you while you're here."
"Did they say how long that might be?" Petra asked, hopefully.
"Tch," Levi's features morphed into a frown. "You'll take as much time off as they tell you to take."
Petra's lips twitched. Why did the captain look so sweet when she was worried? "Of course. I know I need to be in peak condition to fight again."
Usually that kind of declaration would be met by an approving murmur, maybe even a small smile from her captain. Instead, her commanding officer's frown became more pronounced and her fingers laced together as she leaned forward, elbows on her knees. "Don't rush into it," Levi told her in a careful tone.
It was Petra who began to frown now. "I wasn't planning to."
"Good." Something was fragmented in Levi's voice as she answered. "I'd rather you took your time to heal than risk your health or your life. I don't intend on losing you like we lost the others."
Petra released a breath that came out shaky as his words reminded her of their joint loss. Eld… Gunther… Oluo… Her family. Her best friends. People she would laugh with, complain with, compete against and bitch to. Her comrades. Her team. People to whom she would trust her life. Now they were just memories. Their faces, clear in her mind, would now be all she had left of them. More heroes lost to the titans.
A sob slipped out of her and she covered her mouth with one hand as her shoulders trembled. "We… that's right we… we lost them. Our squad…" She couldn't stop the pricks of tears that threatened to stream from the corners of her eyes. "Walls… I wish this was all a dream," she murmured. "I wish we could just wake up and do things differently. I wish… I wish…" She couldn't get the words out and her eyes swam with grief.
She broke into sobs, for the moment not caring about her captain watching her.
She just let her sadness pour out of her, honouring her friends with an outpour of her love for them, her sorrow at facing a future without them and the regret of never having told them how much she loved them. They'd spent so much time bickering and, a lot of the time, that was fun, but now, it just seemed like a waste. Her brain flooded itself with all kinds of things she could have done differently or things she meant to do but sooner. Introducing Oluo to her cousin who thought he was cute. Finally having that race with Eld in the lake. Watching the sun rise with Gunther. So many things like that that would never happen now.
The chair creaked and then there was a dip in the bed.
One of Levi's hands glided across the covers to cover Petra's linked ones. She lifted her face to hers, her throat struggling to form any response. Instead she just sniffed, releasing shakier and shakier breaths. Levi's hand squeezed hers again.
"Petra…" she murmured. "They're free from this shithole now. They'll never have to deal with those monsters again. They're safe."
It was the last thing Petra would have expected Levi to say and yet the words reached her deeply. She'd never thought of death like that so close to the event before. Usually it was something that came later after weeks of moving on from that loss. A gradual realization that maybe these people were in a better, happier world than this one. It brought only a tiny measure of comfort by then. But right now, when the pain was so raw? Levi's words felt like a balm against a burn. They didn't take the pain away but there was comfort in them - a promise that things would hurt a bit less.
"I miss them," Petra choked out. "I miss them so much. I… I… There's so many things that we didn't do together."
"Don't," Levi shuffled up the bed, her hand squeezing Petra's once more. "Don't get bogged down in regret. We don't know how long we get."
Don't get bogged down in regret.
I never told her.
Petra's tears began to slow but her heartbeat began to quicken. Her thoughts whirled around, behind, in front and over each other but beneath them all was an instinct. A powerful instinct, filling her veins with a nervous courage that made her tingle.
This is a second chance, she told herself, so let's not do regrets.
Petra withdrew one of her hands and placed it atop Levi's. "You're right, Captain. We shouldn't live in regret." She squeezed their hands together, staring into the eyes of the woman she loved. It's now or never.
Levi's face was irritatingly unreadable as it was generally but Petra took some hope that maybe she might not react too angrily from this declaration. Yes, a part of Petra hoped for an entirely different reaction but she was at least something of a realist when it came to this woman. At any rate, in the worst case scenario, the declaration would be out there and Petra could finally shut down that particular what if.
"I'm in love with you," the words come out in a breath, surprising her with their gentility. "I've been in love with you for a long time."
Over her time with the captain, Petra had not seen surprise decorate Levi's face very often. However her confession seemed to have painted the emotion all over Levi's beautiful features. She was extremely still apart from her eyes which darted over Petra's face like she didn't know if she was real.
Petra began to chew her lip again, trying to give the captain as much time to process as she might need. Seconds turned into a minute although each second crawled by like it was an hour. Petra's fingers stiffened with worry atop Levi's hand. The longer it went on, the more uneasy it felt.
"I know it's inappropriate-" she finally began to add when another thirty seconds had passed. "I am sorry if-"
"Don't do that," Levi insisted, the words coming out fast. Her face contorted as though she were in pain. "Don't apologize for loving me. I'm not going to apologize to you." Her hand gripped Petra's harder.
Despite this, Petra's heart sank. "I… I don't want you to apologize for… for not feeling the same," she stumbled over her words. "I just… wanted to say it."
The pained expression morphed into confusion on Levi's face. "What? You think I'm rejecting you?" she whispered. Her hand remained on Petra's.
Now it was Petra's turn to look confused. "You're not…? Then why would you need to… not… apologize then?"
A scarlet flush swept up into Levi's cheeks. "I meant that-that I'm not going to apologize for loving you. Not a single damn day."
Petra felt her own cheeks, and the inside of her chest heat up. "You love-?"
"Oh for the love of-!" Levi mumbled, her lips crashing into Petra's at once, hands moving to cup Petra's elbows.
Her lips were divine, softer than they looked, Petra realized as she returned the kiss. The joining of their mouths was cautious and tender at first but as both leaned into it, the anxiety and uncertainty began to melt away from them. The candlelight danced across them as they clung to each other, hanging onto a rare spark of joy in an otherwise dreadful day.