The OTHER Land of Summoned Monsters
-----------------------------------------------------
Author's Note: While I was at work on 'In the Still of the Night,' my Sephiroth/Aeris fic, the
intrepid Shrapnil made a comment about how the monsters that are summoned in the game feel about
being called on constantly. From there, this story practically wrote itself. Thank you.
Disclaimers: And I saw it/ Black as midnight/ perched upon the chimney flue/ and its hoarsest voice
was cawing/ "People ain't mine/ Please don't sue."
----------------------------------------------------
The room was typical of any break room in any large corporate structure. The walls were
white, the floor was cheap beige carpeting, the chairs and tables were inexpensive and plastic.
Vending machines lined the walls, and several figures sat in deep conversation, each holding a
cup of hot nectar.
" . . . so I'm, like, dude, you are *not* summoning me *again*," Ifrit finished. "I mean,
I nuked, like, twenty of those mirror-monsters in one room. Y'know?"
"I know. Shut up." came Shiva's reply. She sipped her steaming mug and glared around at her
fellow Summons. "And I know a lot more things, too. Namely, how hard it is playing Ice Princess
among a group of slavering mortal men who want to get into my pants."
"*What* pants?" Ramuh asked mildly. The other Summons grunted in agreement. Indeed, Shiva
had never worn anything except a turquoise thong, and it was driving them all crazy.
Shiva scowled and made a very rude gesture. "Screw you, Thunder-Boy,"
"You wish."
"I could've seen that coming," Odin commented as he stroked his horse- Sleipnir's- mane.
Bahamut glared at the bickering Summons. "If we can all just back out of the nut house and
rejoin reality!" he said loudly, pounding his fist on the table. Standing, he turned his fire-red
gaze on each of them in turn. "OK, I know we all have problems with our Mortal Callers. But that's
the way it is, so DEAL WITH IT!"
"Lishen ta him!" a very drunk Bahamut-ZERO observed. "Actin' all big'n- HIC!- bad. Whash
yer problem, Bahee?"
Bahamut twitched and turned to his inebriated rival. "I'm restoring order," he said calmly,
if angrily. "Something *you're* obviously not up to, especially since I *am* the King of the
Summoned Monsters-"
"Like hell!" Neo-Bahamut cut in. "I'm the King, and don't you forget it!"
"No, I am!"
"It's me!"
"I'm the one, you two-faced scumbag!"
"Uh-huh, Butterfly Baby?"
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"
"Whassamatta?" Bahamut-ZERO cut in. "Troof is, Bahee, ya look like a big-ash bu'er'fly! An'
yer conshtipated, ta boot!"
"AM NOT!"
Shiva chuckled and reached into her shoulderbag. She produced a sales slip from the
Wall-Market and handed it around the table.
"Whoa." Ifrit raised his eyebrows. "Thirty-seven thousand gil for Ex-Lax?"
The impending riot was interrupted by a burst of music over hidden speakers, playing "Ride
of the Valkyries."
"Oh crap," Odin said, getting up and grabbing the Gungnir. "That's my summons." He climbed
onto Sleipnir's back and disappeared in a burst of lightning.
"Why do they have to use those dumb themes to let us know we're wanted?" Ramuh wondered.
"Can't they just call us on cell-phones or something?"
Bahamut shook his head. "If they used cell-phones we'd all be (a) patting ourselves down to
find the damn things and (b) trying to ascertain who was being summoned. It'd take forever to just
identify our different call-signals."
Shiva shrugged. "I know. But the first few notes of my musicall- "Rhapsody in Blue"- are so
soft, I *always* get there too late. Last time I showed and everybody except that Vincent guy was
unconscious!"
"Bet you would've liked it better if Valentine had been passed out, too," Neo-Bahamut
commented.
"Yeah," Shiva said dreamily, leaning back in her chair. "Boy, those eyes . . . that hair .
. ." Suddenly, she sat straight up. "Hey, are you insinuating something?"
"Oh, no!" Neo-Bahamut said in mock horror. "Never! Just the fact that you're an
extra-dimensional Ice Spirit with the hots for a dead guy whose genetics are so f*cked up that if
you cloned him you'd get four different people."
Shiva was very fast with a ceramic mug. Neo-Bahamut rubbed his aching head. "Geez, don't
lose your temper or anything," he muttered.
"I won't!" Shiva snapped, grabbing a fresh cup of nectar from one of the vending machines.
At that moment, Odin reappeared. He grinned triumphantly and shook his mighty spear, the
Gungnir, over his head. "Success!" he proclaimed. "I kicked that Behemoth's purple butt!"
"Oh big deal," Ifrit grumbled. "A Behemoth. Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig challenge."
"What would you know?" Odin snarled. "You do about 1.1 K of damage, that's *it*! Have you
ever seen real combat, boy?"
"As a matter of fact, I have!" Ifrit retorted. "Mortal Caller Cloud summoned me against a
Float-Eye once!"
For some reason, Ifrit couldn't understand why everybody howled with laughter at this
statement. "A- Float- Eye!" Bahamut choked. "A- f*cking- Float- Eye!"
"Is there a problem?" Ifrit demanded.
Ramuh managed to stop howling first. "Ifrit," he said, still giggling slightly, "Float-Eyes
only have about ten thousand hit points!"
"So?"
"So that is one of the shittiest monsters that you can fight!"
"Oh." Ifrit looked crestfallen.
Shiva was snickering evilly when a few soft notes played through hidden speakers.
"Crap, that's my call!" A miniature snowstorm whipped up out of nowhere, and Shiva
disappeared from the break room.
"I wish she wouldn't do that," Bahamut commented as he picked shards of ice out of the
cracks in his scales.
In about thirty seconds, Shiva reappeared. "It's hell down there," she announced. "They're
fighting Safer Sephiroth and he's whipping their asses. We can expect to be Summoned sooner rather
than later. Man, what a day for Phoenix to call in sick!"
Author's Note: OK, that was peculiar. It was really just most of the Summoned Monsters in FFVII in
their break room, moaning and complaining. I wasn't sure what note to end it on, so it's end is
sort of abrupt. Should I keep goin'? E-mail me at heretica13@yahoo.com if you have any suggestions
for the next chapter.
-----------------------------------------------------
Author's Note: While I was at work on 'In the Still of the Night,' my Sephiroth/Aeris fic, the
intrepid Shrapnil made a comment about how the monsters that are summoned in the game feel about
being called on constantly. From there, this story practically wrote itself. Thank you.
Disclaimers: And I saw it/ Black as midnight/ perched upon the chimney flue/ and its hoarsest voice
was cawing/ "People ain't mine/ Please don't sue."
----------------------------------------------------
The room was typical of any break room in any large corporate structure. The walls were
white, the floor was cheap beige carpeting, the chairs and tables were inexpensive and plastic.
Vending machines lined the walls, and several figures sat in deep conversation, each holding a
cup of hot nectar.
" . . . so I'm, like, dude, you are *not* summoning me *again*," Ifrit finished. "I mean,
I nuked, like, twenty of those mirror-monsters in one room. Y'know?"
"I know. Shut up." came Shiva's reply. She sipped her steaming mug and glared around at her
fellow Summons. "And I know a lot more things, too. Namely, how hard it is playing Ice Princess
among a group of slavering mortal men who want to get into my pants."
"*What* pants?" Ramuh asked mildly. The other Summons grunted in agreement. Indeed, Shiva
had never worn anything except a turquoise thong, and it was driving them all crazy.
Shiva scowled and made a very rude gesture. "Screw you, Thunder-Boy,"
"You wish."
"I could've seen that coming," Odin commented as he stroked his horse- Sleipnir's- mane.
Bahamut glared at the bickering Summons. "If we can all just back out of the nut house and
rejoin reality!" he said loudly, pounding his fist on the table. Standing, he turned his fire-red
gaze on each of them in turn. "OK, I know we all have problems with our Mortal Callers. But that's
the way it is, so DEAL WITH IT!"
"Lishen ta him!" a very drunk Bahamut-ZERO observed. "Actin' all big'n- HIC!- bad. Whash
yer problem, Bahee?"
Bahamut twitched and turned to his inebriated rival. "I'm restoring order," he said calmly,
if angrily. "Something *you're* obviously not up to, especially since I *am* the King of the
Summoned Monsters-"
"Like hell!" Neo-Bahamut cut in. "I'm the King, and don't you forget it!"
"No, I am!"
"It's me!"
"I'm the one, you two-faced scumbag!"
"Uh-huh, Butterfly Baby?"
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"
"Whassamatta?" Bahamut-ZERO cut in. "Troof is, Bahee, ya look like a big-ash bu'er'fly! An'
yer conshtipated, ta boot!"
"AM NOT!"
Shiva chuckled and reached into her shoulderbag. She produced a sales slip from the
Wall-Market and handed it around the table.
"Whoa." Ifrit raised his eyebrows. "Thirty-seven thousand gil for Ex-Lax?"
The impending riot was interrupted by a burst of music over hidden speakers, playing "Ride
of the Valkyries."
"Oh crap," Odin said, getting up and grabbing the Gungnir. "That's my summons." He climbed
onto Sleipnir's back and disappeared in a burst of lightning.
"Why do they have to use those dumb themes to let us know we're wanted?" Ramuh wondered.
"Can't they just call us on cell-phones or something?"
Bahamut shook his head. "If they used cell-phones we'd all be (a) patting ourselves down to
find the damn things and (b) trying to ascertain who was being summoned. It'd take forever to just
identify our different call-signals."
Shiva shrugged. "I know. But the first few notes of my musicall- "Rhapsody in Blue"- are so
soft, I *always* get there too late. Last time I showed and everybody except that Vincent guy was
unconscious!"
"Bet you would've liked it better if Valentine had been passed out, too," Neo-Bahamut
commented.
"Yeah," Shiva said dreamily, leaning back in her chair. "Boy, those eyes . . . that hair .
. ." Suddenly, she sat straight up. "Hey, are you insinuating something?"
"Oh, no!" Neo-Bahamut said in mock horror. "Never! Just the fact that you're an
extra-dimensional Ice Spirit with the hots for a dead guy whose genetics are so f*cked up that if
you cloned him you'd get four different people."
Shiva was very fast with a ceramic mug. Neo-Bahamut rubbed his aching head. "Geez, don't
lose your temper or anything," he muttered.
"I won't!" Shiva snapped, grabbing a fresh cup of nectar from one of the vending machines.
At that moment, Odin reappeared. He grinned triumphantly and shook his mighty spear, the
Gungnir, over his head. "Success!" he proclaimed. "I kicked that Behemoth's purple butt!"
"Oh big deal," Ifrit grumbled. "A Behemoth. Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig challenge."
"What would you know?" Odin snarled. "You do about 1.1 K of damage, that's *it*! Have you
ever seen real combat, boy?"
"As a matter of fact, I have!" Ifrit retorted. "Mortal Caller Cloud summoned me against a
Float-Eye once!"
For some reason, Ifrit couldn't understand why everybody howled with laughter at this
statement. "A- Float- Eye!" Bahamut choked. "A- f*cking- Float- Eye!"
"Is there a problem?" Ifrit demanded.
Ramuh managed to stop howling first. "Ifrit," he said, still giggling slightly, "Float-Eyes
only have about ten thousand hit points!"
"So?"
"So that is one of the shittiest monsters that you can fight!"
"Oh." Ifrit looked crestfallen.
Shiva was snickering evilly when a few soft notes played through hidden speakers.
"Crap, that's my call!" A miniature snowstorm whipped up out of nowhere, and Shiva
disappeared from the break room.
"I wish she wouldn't do that," Bahamut commented as he picked shards of ice out of the
cracks in his scales.
In about thirty seconds, Shiva reappeared. "It's hell down there," she announced. "They're
fighting Safer Sephiroth and he's whipping their asses. We can expect to be Summoned sooner rather
than later. Man, what a day for Phoenix to call in sick!"
Author's Note: OK, that was peculiar. It was really just most of the Summoned Monsters in FFVII in
their break room, moaning and complaining. I wasn't sure what note to end it on, so it's end is
sort of abrupt. Should I keep goin'? E-mail me at heretica13@yahoo.com if you have any suggestions
for the next chapter.