Always by my side: Regrets

Always by my side: Regrets

By Silver Dolphin

Oh, Hyne. The slam of the bathroom door seemed to resonate in Quistis's ears, amplifying the sound till her head hurt. She clutched the covers tighter around her naked body.

What had happened during the course of the night? She'd been having such a good dream…of being in Squall's arms at last…his warm mouth giving her all the delight she'd always longed for. A soft, gentle dream, full of tenderness, as if she'd been enfolded in the inviting darkness, where fantasy and reality were one.

Such a sweet dream indeed. And when she'd awakened to the pleasant hurt of their bodies uniting as one, it seemed as if all her wild hopes had come true at last, that Squall had finally fallen in love with her.

Until she had seen the savage need in his eyes, the desperation to get away from the past. And so she'd offered him the one thing that would have helped – if even only for a while – her body in substitution for his dead lover's.

Oh, she had had no doubts that the woman he had been making wild, passionate love to was in his eyes not the one who stood by his side day and night, but rather the one who had held his human heart for so long…till that fateful day almost a year ago, when she'd used a knife to slit her own throat. For one impossible night Rinoa had come alive again, to be with him, to give him the comfort and love he'd been deprived of since Ellone had left his side.

Twice he had dared to open his heart to another, and twice he had been so cruelly left behind…

At the sound of the bathroom door opening, Quistis squeezed her eyes shut, feigning sleep. She didn't want to face him just yet – maybe later. She didn't know if things would ever be the same between them again, and – much to her chagrin – she realized that she didn't want to find out.

When Squall came out of the shower, his mood had not changed at all. He'd simply planned on putting on his pants and leaving the bedroom, but just as he picked his belt off the floor, his eye caught something out of place, staining the white bed sheets beside Quistis.

Oh, God in heaven. He approached the bed upon which the young blonde SeeD slept, feeling a chill running through his back as he did so. A chill that had little to do with the cold shower he'd just taken.

Brownish, dried stains…bloodstains. Quistis had been a virgin. Oh, God…

He'd not only raped she who was probably his closest friend, but he'd also raped a virgin.

But she hadn't protested when he had taken her. Even when she was fully conscious, she had invited him in deeper into her warm cavern. So…he hadn't really raped her, had he?

But you initiated it, Leonhart. You started kissing her like there was no tomorrow. The little voice in his mind haunted him, and he tried to push it away. But the sight of her, hugging her pillow protectively to her chest, curled up tight under the bloodstained sheets…as if she were a prisoner in an enemy's stronghold.

He buckled his belt and walked away, towards the window, where he stood surveying the view laid out before him. What now? What was he supposed to say to her? Apologize?

"Squall." Her voice sounded softly behind him, and he half-turned to acknowledge her.

"Yes?"

Looking at his back from her position on the bed, Quistis could not avoid him any longer. She pulled on the robe from the floor – where he'd cast it last night – and approached that rigid, immovable back. Best to get it out in the open…

"Squall."

"Yes?" he twisted his head round, but his eyes were fixed beyond her face.

She had thought that she did not blame him for what had happened. But looking at his cold, deadpan expression, she felt bitterness rising in her heart.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" she snapped aberrantly.

Something flickered across his face. "The shower is free for use." He nodded towards the bathroom door. "Go on."

Anger boiled to the surface in a mad rush. "Fine!" she spat. "I had better cleanse myself of last night's pollution, hadn't I?"

With an angry glare through her veil of tears, she retreated to the bathroom and banged the door.

Ouch. Squall cringed involuntarily. That door wasn't going to be standing there much longer, if it had to withstand any more violence from the room's occupants.

When Quistis came out, he was still standing in the exact same position as he had been when he'd left him.

Hesitating only for a fraction of a second, Quistis dropped the towel around her body as she went in search of clothes. What need for modesty between them, after they had learned each other's naked bodies last night?

"Squall…please!" she reached out to him once she had dressed, but he moved away from her touch.

"That's strange. I could have touched you anywhere last night, and you wouldn't have done that." Her blue gaze was darkened with accusation.

His own blue-gray eyes seemed bleak and wintry this morning, more gray than blue. "The damage is done, Quisty. Nothing I could say would change that."

"At least say something so I don't feel like a cheap little toy!" Quistis was horrified to hear her own voice tighten with tears. "Just explain, Squall! Tell me! Tell me everything!" She slanted him a watery glare, clenching her hands into fists.

"You agreed to have sex with me." Squall didn't mince words.

"After you had already entered me." Quistis's speech was just as blunt. "Know why I did it, Squall?"

He shook his head imperceptibly.

"Because I wanted to help you. You never ask anything from me. I thought I could grant you what you asked for, this once."

"But you knew I saw Rinoa, not you."

"Yes." Her voice became despairing. "Oh, Hyne…do you miss her that much?"

"Yes." His straightforward answer cut her to the quick.

"I must be an idiot then." Bitterness showed in her eyes. "I guess that true love is everlasting, in the end." Quistis didn't know whether she spoke of herself, or of Squall and Rinoa.

She had not expected to find that, even after death, Rinoa still had that unbreakable grip on Squall.

"So…what now?" she asked tiredly. From where he stood she looked small and unhappy. All because of him…

"I don't know." He came, and after a moment's uncertainty put his arms around her. Quistis struggled briefly, but he whispered in her ear. "Hush, Quisty. I won't do it again."

Quistis wasn't sure if his words comforted her, or hurt her even deeper. But now that he was voluntarily holding her…and not Rinoa, she found that all she wanted to do was to cling on to him, tightly, and let that dreamy languor melt through her limbs.

- end chapter 3 -