A work of Neon Genesis Evangelion Fanfiction
" Crying in the Dark " Part 1 by Trent Retrix (NeoDethMunky@hotmail.com)
"All my pain can go away" Shinji thought to himself. "I keep saying that I mustn't run away, but why? I want the pain to go away" He could feel the cool, freeing steel of the knife blade against his wrist.
"I want the pain to go away," said Shinji, almost crying to himself, "but why won't I move the blade? Why won't I cause the cut?" He dropped the knife to the floor of his room as he brought his hands up to his face. The tears flowed from his eyes and into his hand, as he put his head back down on his pillow. He did not remove his hands when the tears stopped; he did not want to look at the ceiling, for he found it depressing to see the emptiness of the white ceiling, almost laughing at him, because it reminded him of the emptiness of his own life.
"Baka-Shinji, where the hell's dinner!? Its your turn tonight, or have you forgotten?" shreiked Asuka as she walked out of her room and into the kitchen. "How can such an idiot like you have a higher sych ratio than me? Dammit Shinji, where are you?!"
Shinji stepped out of his room with his head down, not saying a word. He went into the kitchen and began preparing something.
"That's better" remarks Asuka. "How stupid do you have to be to forget dinner?"
Shinji still looked down, silent, making dinner.
"Hey, baka?" said Asuka, beginning to be puzzled by Shinji. "Baka? Baka!!"
Shinji still didn't look up at Asuka as he put the food into the microwave. He set it, and then broke the silence.
"It will be done in five minutes. I won't be eating tonight."
Still looking down, Shinji returned to his room, locking the door behind him as he fell onto his bed and began sobbing again. Sobbing quietly, so that no one could hear him. Then he began listening to his SDAT tapes, in a feeble attempt to drown out the pains of his cruel reality.
Asuka stared in disbelief as Shinji walked away to his room. This was too submissive, even for him. She began thoughts of what could be wrong, but the next second, those thoughts left her mind.
"Serves him right," she said aloud, almost gleefully. "Maybe that idiot will finally stay away from me!"
As Asuka sat down to dinner, Misato burst through the door and went straight for the beer. Noticing Asuka eating alone, Misato thought nothing of it. Perhaps Shinji finally came to his senses and decided to stay away from some one as bitchy as Asuka.
"Asuka," she asked as she sat down at the table to eat, "is Shinji asleep already? No matter, don't wake him. I just needed to tell you two that you both have the next week and a half off. No training, no experiments, nothing."
"Really?!", yelped Asuka with bright, happy eyes, obviously joyed by this news. She began thinking up plans and fun things to do with her friends.
When the two were done, Misato and Asuka both went to their respective rooms. In an hour, the two pilots in the house and their gaurdian were asleep.
**********
In the morning, Shinji noticed that Asuka was acting very strangely toward him.
"Asuka, is something wrong? Did I do something to upset you? I'm sorry for whatever it is."
"Why the hell do you keep trying to talk to me? Shinji, just stay the hell away from me!" And with that, Asuka threw her plate at him and ran to her room, not even looking at him.
Shinji kept staring at Asuka's door from thr kitchen. She's said that to him before, but never did anything more than just yell at him. Still baffled, Shinji sank to the floor and sat next to Pen-pen who was busy eating his breakfast and didn't notice Shinji.
A very sad feeling overcame Shinji at that moment. He started to remember everything Asuka said to him. Started to remember the angry tone of her voice. Started to remember how much she hated him. The Third Children began to to feel the tears slowly form in the corner of his eyes and gently fall down his cheek and onto his shirt.
**********
At school, Shinji didn't start to feel better. During lunch, Shinji was with Kensuke and Toji as usual, but he wasn't paying attention to them. He just stared off, not really looking at anything, not really caring. He had his friends there, but he felt so alone. How he longed for the day when he could end his feelings, the day when he would finally be able to move the knife.
"Hey Shinji, why do you keep staring at the red-haired demon?" asked Toji.
"What?" said a startled Shinji as he seemed to wake up from his own hate and sadness filled world within his head. He noticed that he was indeed looking at Asuka.
"I was not. I was just uh... dazing off. I'm sorta tired, I didn't sleep well last night," retorted Shinji.
Toji and Kensuke started whispering into each others ear and then they both laughed histerically.
"What's so funny, guys?" Demanded Shinji.
"We were just coming up with reasons for why you couldn't sleep well" Kensuke said.
"I don't like the direction this is going" thought Shinji to himself.
"You probably using a peep-hole into Asuka's room" said Kensuke. By now, the whole class was paying attention to them, for mention of the words "Asuka" "peep-hole" and "room" so very loudly.
"Then you probably lubed up your hand, then ...." By this time they were both laughing so hysterically, they both fell over from laughter before Toji could finish the sentence. Shinji blushed, but then looked up and saw that the whole class was starting to giggle and stare at him, including Asuka and Rei, both of whom were just staring in disgust at what Toji and Kensuke had just said.
The isolation. The loneliness. It was all returning to him suddenly. Shinji got up and ran out of the classroom, as his eyes were beginning to water again. Outside, Shinji sat on a bench, with his face in his hands. He was alone again. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the container of his pills, still half-filled.
"What's it matter anymore?" Shinji said aloud to himself as he threw his pills into the trashcan next to the bench.
"So you're a drug addict? That would explain a lot," said an almost angelic, soothing voice from behind him. Shinji turned to see Asuka walking toward him, with Hikari next to her. It was Asuka who had been talking to him.
"They're not drugs," responded Shinji, in a sullen, sad voice. "NERV gave me those pills. They're supposed to keep me from mental breakdown or something. Without those pills.... Without those... I don't know what'll happen and I don't care anymore."
Shinji began to sob again. He looked down at the floor letting the tears flow from his eyes and fall to the ground.
"How pathetic. He can kill Angels and save the planet but here he is crying like a baby," Asuka snobbishly said as she crossed her arms and turned away from Shinji.
"Asuka! He can hear you!" Hikari gasped, staring back and forth between the two pilots.
"I don't care. He's such a jerk. I love seeing him in pain"
"Asuka," Shinji cried with tears still in his eyes, and his voice cracking, "Why are you so cruel to me?"
"Let's go, Hikari" Asuka said, unresponsive to Shinji.
"Why, Asuka?" the tearing Shinji said, almost shouting at the two girls walking away from him.
*********
At home, Asuka didn't see Shinji. There were meals already ready on the table. Next to one of the plates was a note; it read: From Shinji to Asuka. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
"What the hell's wrong with that wimpy idiot?" Asuka said as she sat down to eat, after crumpling up the note and throwing it away.
While she was eating, Asuka could hear something from Shinji's room. It sounded like some one crying, followed by the sound of metal hitting the floor. But there was no following silence, the crying continued.
**********
During the night, Misato woke from a sound. She heard it coming from Shinji's room. She didn't want to disturb him, so Misato sat down on the floor in the hallway, just outside Shinji's door. It saddened her so to see Shinji this way and not be able to do something about it. She could hear the crying coming from Shinji. She almost cried herself, hearing Shinji babbling to himself, obviously about what is wrong.
"Why?"
"Why?"
"Why do you treat me this way?"
"Why do you do this?"
"Why can't we be together?"
"Asuka ....."
Then there was more weeping, from the boy within the room and the woman outside the door who could feel the boy's pain.
*********
Asuka woke to the sound of Ritsuko talking to Misato in the hallway.
"What the hell's Ritsuko doing here?" Thought Asuka to herself as she climbed out of bed to listen to the conversation outside her door. The conversation ended with Asuka not really hearing anything of importance. Asuka stepped outside to see Ritsuko and a medical team leaving the apartment carrying a stretcher carrying someone she couldn't see.
"Misato, what happened here?" asked Asuka. After looking around a couple seconds, she also asked "Where's Shinji?"
"You wouldn't care, Asuka" Misato almost yelled at the clueless Second Children. Misato sat down at the table and began crying.
"What did Baka-Shinji do this time?"
Misato looked at Asuka and her face changed to that of anger. She reached up and slapped Asuka accross the face, leaving a stinging red mark.
"This is all your fault, Asuka"
"What the hell area you talking about? Where is Shinji, that idiot?"
"He was the guy on the stretcher. You must've seen him"
Asuka was speechless. So Misato continued.
"I woke up this morning and Shinji wasn't getting breakfast ready. I looked in his room and there he was, lying on the floor next to a bloody knife and a long, deep cut in his wrist."
"How's that my fault?! That Baka... getting me in trouble by hurting himself."
"Shut up Asuka!" Misato screamed, "I called Ritsuko, and got a medical team over here. Shinji lost a lot of blood, but he'll live. He'll be out of the hospital in about a week." Misato looked over at Asuka, "Why are you still angry? Shinji's almost dead, isn't that something you'd like?"
"Misato, why do you blame me? I didn't cut his wrists, that baka did it to himself. I couldn't care less about that baka."
Misato slapped her again.
"You don't even know why he did it. You drove him to it. Is there any time in the past two weeks that you did not say you hated him? Do you even notice him crying? Have you ever heard what he says in his sleep?"
"NO! No I haven't. And I don't care what that pervert does at night."
"Dammit Asuka! He loves you. Are you that blind?"
Asuka's eye's grew wide and her mouth fell open at the shock of hearing that.
"Asuka, I heard him crying last night. He was calling for you. I could tell that he wants to be with you. I found a note on his bed, I think you should read it." said Misato as she handed over the piece of paper over to Asuka.
Asuka read the following note:
Why? Why is it like this? Why am I alone?
Asuka. Asuka, I'm sorry. Asuka, why don't you love me?
I am alone. Who is there for me?
Asuka doesn't want me here, Why don't I leave?
This is my gift to you Asuka.
You will not have hate in your heart, with no one to hate
You're always beautiful, Asuka, but it saddens me to
see the hate in you when you're around me.
~Sayonara, Shinji Ikari
Asuka just fell to the ground. She was staring at the note long after she finished reading. She sat there emotionless and expressionless. There were no tears.
**********
At the hospital, Misato sat next to Shinji's bedside. She gently gave the unconscious pilot a soft kiss on the cheek.
"Oh Shinji. How could someone like that, mean so much to you?"
Asuka sat outside Shinji's hospital room. "What kind of sick person is Shinji? How could he love me?" she wispered to herself. A single tear formed at her eye and fell silently to the hospital's tile floor.
Inside the hospital room, Shinji can still feel the pain of his life haunting his mind as he slowly drifted back to his hellish life in Tokyo-3.
THE END: MAYBE TO BE CONTINUED????
