Disclaimer: I don't own them. I simply mess with them occasionally.
Author's Note: Special thanks go to Shawn, Mandolin, Chica, Hanspam and Didi for restoring my faith in reviewers. I want to know who let the Ryan Ryan in here!? Ryan, if you spill the secret you are so dead meat! My mum thinks your the greatest for helping out by the way! Extra sepcial thanks for Jeni who not only puts up with my bad grammer, (Semi-colons are evil!) but you took the time to review too! I got my two reviews for the last chapter (Ryan, yours doesn't count since you were talking to me at the same time!) Can I go for two more this time? Please? If I get more than two reviews than I'll post the next chapter next Friday but if I don't you might have to wait two weeks until exams are over, okay? Enjoy!
Chapter 7
Always A Hero
Tommy saw Jason had fallen asleep; he had gotten very good at sensing these things. But Billy continued to stroke Jason's hair gently, unaware that he had drifted off. Tommy looked at Billy sadly, tears were glistening in his eyes, but the sandy haired young man remained composed.
"He's asleep, Billy." Tommy said softly.
"Does that...does it happen often?" Billy asked in a smaller voice than Tommy could ever remember him using before.
Tommy nodded, knowing better than to lie to Billy, "Yes, I'm guessing the pain killers will be upped soon. Probably the next time Dr. Johnson comes. We had to make sure Jason wouldn't have an allergic reaction to this medication as well so he was only given a low dose."
"Oh." Was the only reply Billy had. They sat there for a few minutes, both gazing at Jason's sleeping figure. Finally, Billy turned to Tommy, tears glistening in his eyes.
"Why is this happening, Tommy?" Billy asked softly. "Jason...he's one of the most caring people I know. He saved my life before and not only when I was a Power Ranger."
Tommy at once saw the shadow that flickered across Billy's face. It was something he hadn't seen before. Various depths of grief had been experienced when they were Rangers and just because they were friends but nothing like this had come to his attention before.
"What happened?" Tommy asked gently. Billy looked from Jason to Tommy slowly, his eyes glistening with tears. He opened his mouth to speak several times but nothing ended up coming out.
"You can tell me, it's okay. I won't say anything to anyone else if you don't want me to." Tommy suggested softly.
Billy nodded slowly, "What about Adam?" As if answering the question unintentionally Adam slowly opened the door, visibly relieved Jason was no longer in pain and now sleeping.
"Rocky is having some trouble getting a hold of Aisha. She has a two day lay over in Washington but Rocky hasn't been able to get her on her cell phone. I'm going to go over to the Dojo and help him find her, okay?" Adam said softly having not heard Tommy and Billy speaking before. "My cell will be on."
"Alright, Adam." Tommy replied. "And, please, try to get some sleep before you come back. I know you haven't been sleeping much because you're always here."
Adam nodded before leaving quickly. Both Billy and Tommy heard the front door click softly as it closed behind him. Tommy looked over at Billy who was staring at his feet as tears trickled down his cheeks. He stubbornly wiped them away.
"Why does he have to die?" Billy asked quietly. "I've been trying to find a reason...some explanation of why such a wonderful person would have their time cut short."
Tommy sighed softly, having wondered the same thing himself many times since Jason had told him, "I don't know why. I've been asking myself why since Jason told me. I haven't come up with any answers yet."
"He saved my life, Tommy. He saved my life when we were just kids." Billy whispered feeling the memory flood him.
"What do you mean, Billy?" Tommy asked gently seeing a look of emotional pain that flashed across Billy's face.
"I was ten...it was right after my mom died..." Billy closed his eyes as the memory of that day rushed him...
***A ten year old Billy in thick rimmed black glasses and overalls stumbled over a rock as he trugded along, falling flat on his face. For a second he lay winded, the third time today he had had the wind knocked out of him. The first time had been tripping over his own feet while walking to school with Zack and Jason. Then at lunch Freddie, a boy two grades ahead of Billy, had beat him up for his lunch money. Billy's face went red with embarrassment. He had been winded when Freddie smashed him into the lockers. Jason had come to his aid once again and had received a nasty black eye from it. Freddie had been no match for Jason's karate skills but he had gotten that one good punch in.
'It doesn't matter,' Billy thought with a twinge of guilt, 'Jason won't have to stick up for me anymore.' Picking himself off the ground Billy continued on his way. It wasn't much further now, Billy could see the edge coming up. Billy dropped his back pack by a rock and sat down, staring at the edge of the steep drop. Billy took out a piece of line paper; he always had it in spades for school, and a pen.
'I should have done this before I got here,' Billy thought feeling tears prick the back of his eyes, 'It would have been easier that way. It's not like I have a lot of people to say good bye to anyway. Zack, Kim, Jason and my dad. Maybe I should write something for Mrs. Appleby---she always seems to care. But that's her job, she probably won't even notice I'm gone after long.'
Pinning the short note neatly to his back pack Billy got up and slowly walked to the ledge. Tears began to stream down his face as Billy looked down, knowing he wouldn't survive the drop. Billy took a deep breath trying desperately to steady himself and stop crying. Closing his eyes Billy got ready to simply take a step forward and end all the pain.
"BILLY! DON'T!" A familiar voice shouted in shock from behind him.
Billy whirled around to face the person he considered his best friend. He had been so absorbed with the task at hand he hadn't even heard Jason approach until Jason had yelled to him after he had spotted Billy. Jason had gone pale when he saw his friend ready to jump as he emerged from the bushes.
"Go away, Jason. I don't want you to watch me do this." Billy said his voice wavering.
"No, you'll jump if I leave." Jason whispered beginning to inch closer to his friend so slowly that Billy, almost blinded by his tears, wouldn't notice.
"I'm jumping either way but I don't want you to see it." Billy retorted turning back around and gazing downward. "Please, Jason go."
"Don't jump, Billy." Jason pleaded. "Turn around and walk to me. Please, don't jump."
"Why do you care?" Billy asked his voice colder than Jason had ever heard it. "You'll still have Zack and Kim. You just won't have to help me when everyone beats me up now."
"Billy, you're my best and oldest friend. I don't want to lose you. I don't care if I have to face Bruce Lee himself if he was picking on you, I wouldn't let him." Jason replied, slowly getting closer to Billy, who was losing his gusto now.
"Why? Why do you care about me?" Billy choked out. "You're one of the most popular people in our class and yet you spend your time with a loser. Why?"
"Because you are worth ten of every jerk who calls you that." Jason replied softly before switching tactics. "Think of your dad, Billy. What will he do if he loses you?"
"He won't even notice. He hasn't noticed me past making sure there's enough food for me to eat since mom died." Billy replied harshly.
"You know that's not true. He loves you. It would kill him to lose you too." Jason told Billy gently.
Billy let out a choked sob, "No one loves me. I'm little wimpy, geeky Billy. No one could love me."
"I love you, Billy! You're my best friend! I've known you since before I can remember! Kim and Zack love you! Your dad loves you! My parents love you, they think of you as a second son!" Jason was almost beside Billy know. Just an inch more and Jason would be able to get a hold of him. "Please, Billy, I care about you too much to lose you. Take my hand. Please, don't jump."
Billy hesitated for a second. Then he turned and slowly put his trembling, cold hand into Jason's warm hand. Jason pulled Billy towards him, wrapping Billy in a fierce embrace. Billy broke down into sobs as Jason moved Billy and himself back away from the edge. Jason managed to sit down sit holding Billy close to him.
"Shh. It's okay, it's okay." Jason soothed as he rocked the weeping boy in his arms.
"Don't leave me. Please, don't leave me." Billy sobbed as he buried his face in Jason's shirt.
"I'm not going anywhere, Billy. I won't leave you, ever, I promise." Jason gently smoothed Billy's hair, something Jason's mum had always done when Jason was upset. "Hush now, it's alright. It's going to be alright."
Billy clung to Jason as if his life depended on it and loud sobs shook his body. Jason was almost glad Billy had buried his face in his shirt as tears had began to stream down his face as well. Jason was terrified of how close he had come to losing Billy. If he had arrived a few seconds later it would have been too late. Because of that fear Jason returned the embrace without a thought to it. Holding Billy's trembling body close Jason rocked them back and forth as he murmured soothing words to comfort Billy.
Eventually Billy began to calm down. Jason slowly stopped rocking and rubbed Billy's back instead. Billy rested his head on Jason's broad shoulder. For a long time they sat there in silence, Billy hiccuping now that the tears had stopped and Jason rubbing Billy's back.
"Jase?" Billy said in a shaky voice.
"Yeah, Billy?" Jason replied, looking down at Billy's pale face and into his puffy red eyes. Billy was startled to see tear streaks on Jason's face that he didn't seem to be the least bit ashamed of.
"Thank you." Billy whispered lying his head back on Jason's shoulder. Billy felt so safe at that moment he didn't want to do anything to wreck it.
"Don't mention it. After all, what are friends for?" Jason managed a shaky smile that warmed Billy's heart. Sighing softly in slight relief Jason hugged the smaller, younger boy close. "I want you to promise me you will never, never, resort to trying this again."
"It's hard sometimes. Especially now that my mum's gone..." Billy whispered.
"I know it must be hard but if you're ever in trouble, any type of trouble you can always come to me. No matter what happens I'll be here to help you." Jason looked down at Billy, his dark brown eyes finding Billy's light green eyes and making them hold his gaze. "Promise me you will never do anything to intentionally hurt yourself."
"I promise, Jason." Billy whispered solemnly.
Jason let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding and hugged Billy close again, "I don't think I could lose you, Billy. You're my little bro, after all."
Billy snuggled closer to Jason smiling fondly at the nick name. Billy had gone to that ledge thinking it was too hard to go on, that no one really cared and would come away from it with renewed faith in himself. Through Billy's eyes that day Jason was a hero, his hero. The younger boy would always hold his 'big brother' with that regard, no matter what happened the fact remained...***
"...I would have jumped that day if Jason hadn't been there to stop me. He saved my life." Billy whispered staring down at the floor so he wouldn't have to look Tommy in the face.
Tommy was stunned that Billy, one of the smartest and most together people he knew, would try to commit suicide. It was baffling to think of Billy like that and not as the confidant young man he had come to know very well. Tommy put his arm around Billy's shoulders, not knowing what else to do or say.
"I know it's selfish of me but I don't want Jason to leave me...I don't want him to break his promise." Billy whispered.
Tommy opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by a low moan. Jason was stirring slightly, fighting to regain consciousness. Tommy drew away from Billy just a little to put a hand on Jason's shoulder, giving him an anchor to pull himself awake with. It was enough to steady Jason. Jason's eyes blinked open slowly, looking at Tommy and then to Billy. A wide grin lit up his weary face. Billy didn't know whether to smile or cry at the delight in Jason's eyes from seeing his old friend. Billy knew Jason was dying but the spark in his eyes had not faded, not yet.
"You're really here." Jason whispered hoarsely. "I thought for a second it had just been a dream. We didn't know if we would be able to get a hold of you."
Billy felt a lump in his throat and couldn't find his voice to speak but Jason didn't seem to mind, "Tommy, can you help me sit up?" Jason requested.
Tommy obliged, carefully helping Jason into a sitting position. Leaning back against the back board Jason closed his eyes briefly to fight away the aches and pains that were always there. Tommy saw Billy wipe away a tear discreetly and knew the two of them needed to
talk.
"I'm going to go take a shower." Tommy decided, using it as an excuse to leave them alone for awhile, "I'll be just down the hall if you need me."
Jason understood what Tommy was doing even if he was trying to be discreet, and nodded. Billy wasn't sure he wanted Tommy to leave. He felt a pang of hurt as he realized he didn't know what to say to his oldest friend. But Tommy left the room before Billy could
think up a reason to protest him leaving.
"I'm really glad you're here, Billy." Jason said looking his friend in the eye.
"I wanted it all to be a sick joke. I didn't think it could be real." Billy whispered forcing down the lump in his throat.
"I know, when the doctor told me I didn't want to believe it." Jason smiled sadly.
"There wasn't anything that could have been done?" Billy asked feeling tears well up in his eyes.
"Nothing that would have helped me. Chemo might have given me a few more months if I had started it right from the beginning but..." Jason began.
"Why didn't you do it then?" Billy tried to keep the anger and shock out of his voice but it didn't work well.
"We both know what kind of life I would have had left if I had chosen to do the chemotherpy." Jason replied, knowing some part of Billy would understand how sick and miserable he would have been.
"But it would have given you more time!" Billy couldn't keep the anger out of his voice. He couldn't believe that Jason hadn't wanted the chemotherapy, that he had given up.
"I would have been sick the whole time. I would have become more of a burden than I already am." Jason replied softly.
"You would have been alive longer! Doesn't that matter to you?! Why did you give up?!" Billy exclaimed, letting his anger at the situation get the better of him.
"Dammit Billy! I thought you would understand! The chemo would have made me physically ill. It would have bought me maybe seven months, if I was lucky, but I would have been in and out of the hospital, in pain and physically sick. I would have been as sick as I was when I had an allergic reaction to the pain killers and I refused to spend my last months of existence like that!" Jason retorted.
Billy started to say something but Jason wasn't finished yet, "I did not give up! Do not accuse me of giving up because I have never and will never give up! But I am dying, Billy! And there is nothing that can stop that! There is nothing anyone can do about it! Face it! I had to! I don't want to die but I can't control it. But I could control what kind of life I would have until I died. If I had done the chemotherapy I wouldn't have really been living for my last months! You want to know what I'm fighting for now? To stay alive long enough to see all my friends on last time."
"You promised me you would always be there for me!" Billy broke down into gasping sobs. "I'm stupid and selfish and should be doing something to help but all I can think of is that you aren't going to be there for me anymore. You're leaving me! You promised me you'd never leave me!"
Jason's angry expression softened as Billy dissolved into sobs. Jason quickly drew Billy into a warm hug. Billy immediately reacted to the embrace, hugging Jason for all he was worth, not realizing it caused Jason more pain. Billy didn't notice his friend stiffen before he was able to fight away the throbbing aches that threatened to overtake him. Billy's sobs drowned out the soft whimper that escaped Jason's lips. Nor did Billy notice the muscle and weight loss Jason had suffered because of the cancer and the reaction to the medication. The once strong arms were still reassuring and comforting to him.
"You're not stupid or selfish, Billy." Jason soothed his weeping friend. "You wouldn't feel this way if you didn't care about me."
"You're my little bro," Jason said softly. Billy managed a shaky grin through his tears at the fond nickname from when they were children, "I'm supposed to protect you. I know I'm breaking my promise. I wish I didn't have to and I'm truly sorry I have to leave you. I don't want to."
Billy pulled away slightly still letting Jason keep his arms around him but loosening his grip. Jason was thankful for that even though he wouldn't show it, or show that Billy's arms had caused him pain. Billy was not all that surprised to see the tears making their way down Jason's face. Jason managed to compose himself a little and spoke again.
"I want you to remember that no matter what happens I will always, always be with you. Not in the same way anymore but I will still be with you in spirit. I'll watch over you, I promise you that." Jason said drawing his friend closer even through it caused him pain. That time Billy felt the wince Jason couldn't suppress and he drew back in horror.
"I hurt you." Billy whispered horrified he had caused Jason physical pain.
"Not really..." Jason managed softly looking his friend in the eyes. He addressed the shame and sorrow in them quickly, "Billy, I would bear a thousand times this pain before it stopped me from hugging you and the others. I need the contact as much as you do."
"I'm sorry." Billy whispered. Jason smiled softly at his friend.
"There's no need to be. I don't mind the bit of pain that's caused by my friends hugging me. I can live with the pain but I don't think I want to live without being able to hug you guys." Jason told him.
Very tentatively Billy let Jason's arms wrap around him. Billy felt Jason suppress a cringe and almost pulled away but a stronger sense of need coming from both himself and Jason made him stay put. Billy let his head rest against Jason's shoulder gently, scared of causing him more pain. After a few minutes Billy relaxed in Jason's arms as Jason gently stroked Billy's hair like Billy had done for him before. Billy sobbed softly on Jason's shoulder trying in vain to contain his tears. He would find no contempt or anger in Jason's embrace, only comfort and compassion. It gave Billy strength during the hard times ahead---especially the ones where he wouldn't have the reassuring arms to comfort him.
Author's Note: Special thanks go to Shawn, Mandolin, Chica, Hanspam and Didi for restoring my faith in reviewers. I want to know who let the Ryan Ryan in here!? Ryan, if you spill the secret you are so dead meat! My mum thinks your the greatest for helping out by the way! Extra sepcial thanks for Jeni who not only puts up with my bad grammer, (Semi-colons are evil!) but you took the time to review too! I got my two reviews for the last chapter (Ryan, yours doesn't count since you were talking to me at the same time!) Can I go for two more this time? Please? If I get more than two reviews than I'll post the next chapter next Friday but if I don't you might have to wait two weeks until exams are over, okay? Enjoy!
Chapter 7
Always A Hero
Tommy saw Jason had fallen asleep; he had gotten very good at sensing these things. But Billy continued to stroke Jason's hair gently, unaware that he had drifted off. Tommy looked at Billy sadly, tears were glistening in his eyes, but the sandy haired young man remained composed.
"He's asleep, Billy." Tommy said softly.
"Does that...does it happen often?" Billy asked in a smaller voice than Tommy could ever remember him using before.
Tommy nodded, knowing better than to lie to Billy, "Yes, I'm guessing the pain killers will be upped soon. Probably the next time Dr. Johnson comes. We had to make sure Jason wouldn't have an allergic reaction to this medication as well so he was only given a low dose."
"Oh." Was the only reply Billy had. They sat there for a few minutes, both gazing at Jason's sleeping figure. Finally, Billy turned to Tommy, tears glistening in his eyes.
"Why is this happening, Tommy?" Billy asked softly. "Jason...he's one of the most caring people I know. He saved my life before and not only when I was a Power Ranger."
Tommy at once saw the shadow that flickered across Billy's face. It was something he hadn't seen before. Various depths of grief had been experienced when they were Rangers and just because they were friends but nothing like this had come to his attention before.
"What happened?" Tommy asked gently. Billy looked from Jason to Tommy slowly, his eyes glistening with tears. He opened his mouth to speak several times but nothing ended up coming out.
"You can tell me, it's okay. I won't say anything to anyone else if you don't want me to." Tommy suggested softly.
Billy nodded slowly, "What about Adam?" As if answering the question unintentionally Adam slowly opened the door, visibly relieved Jason was no longer in pain and now sleeping.
"Rocky is having some trouble getting a hold of Aisha. She has a two day lay over in Washington but Rocky hasn't been able to get her on her cell phone. I'm going to go over to the Dojo and help him find her, okay?" Adam said softly having not heard Tommy and Billy speaking before. "My cell will be on."
"Alright, Adam." Tommy replied. "And, please, try to get some sleep before you come back. I know you haven't been sleeping much because you're always here."
Adam nodded before leaving quickly. Both Billy and Tommy heard the front door click softly as it closed behind him. Tommy looked over at Billy who was staring at his feet as tears trickled down his cheeks. He stubbornly wiped them away.
"Why does he have to die?" Billy asked quietly. "I've been trying to find a reason...some explanation of why such a wonderful person would have their time cut short."
Tommy sighed softly, having wondered the same thing himself many times since Jason had told him, "I don't know why. I've been asking myself why since Jason told me. I haven't come up with any answers yet."
"He saved my life, Tommy. He saved my life when we were just kids." Billy whispered feeling the memory flood him.
"What do you mean, Billy?" Tommy asked gently seeing a look of emotional pain that flashed across Billy's face.
"I was ten...it was right after my mom died..." Billy closed his eyes as the memory of that day rushed him...
***A ten year old Billy in thick rimmed black glasses and overalls stumbled over a rock as he trugded along, falling flat on his face. For a second he lay winded, the third time today he had had the wind knocked out of him. The first time had been tripping over his own feet while walking to school with Zack and Jason. Then at lunch Freddie, a boy two grades ahead of Billy, had beat him up for his lunch money. Billy's face went red with embarrassment. He had been winded when Freddie smashed him into the lockers. Jason had come to his aid once again and had received a nasty black eye from it. Freddie had been no match for Jason's karate skills but he had gotten that one good punch in.
'It doesn't matter,' Billy thought with a twinge of guilt, 'Jason won't have to stick up for me anymore.' Picking himself off the ground Billy continued on his way. It wasn't much further now, Billy could see the edge coming up. Billy dropped his back pack by a rock and sat down, staring at the edge of the steep drop. Billy took out a piece of line paper; he always had it in spades for school, and a pen.
'I should have done this before I got here,' Billy thought feeling tears prick the back of his eyes, 'It would have been easier that way. It's not like I have a lot of people to say good bye to anyway. Zack, Kim, Jason and my dad. Maybe I should write something for Mrs. Appleby---she always seems to care. But that's her job, she probably won't even notice I'm gone after long.'
Pinning the short note neatly to his back pack Billy got up and slowly walked to the ledge. Tears began to stream down his face as Billy looked down, knowing he wouldn't survive the drop. Billy took a deep breath trying desperately to steady himself and stop crying. Closing his eyes Billy got ready to simply take a step forward and end all the pain.
"BILLY! DON'T!" A familiar voice shouted in shock from behind him.
Billy whirled around to face the person he considered his best friend. He had been so absorbed with the task at hand he hadn't even heard Jason approach until Jason had yelled to him after he had spotted Billy. Jason had gone pale when he saw his friend ready to jump as he emerged from the bushes.
"Go away, Jason. I don't want you to watch me do this." Billy said his voice wavering.
"No, you'll jump if I leave." Jason whispered beginning to inch closer to his friend so slowly that Billy, almost blinded by his tears, wouldn't notice.
"I'm jumping either way but I don't want you to see it." Billy retorted turning back around and gazing downward. "Please, Jason go."
"Don't jump, Billy." Jason pleaded. "Turn around and walk to me. Please, don't jump."
"Why do you care?" Billy asked his voice colder than Jason had ever heard it. "You'll still have Zack and Kim. You just won't have to help me when everyone beats me up now."
"Billy, you're my best and oldest friend. I don't want to lose you. I don't care if I have to face Bruce Lee himself if he was picking on you, I wouldn't let him." Jason replied, slowly getting closer to Billy, who was losing his gusto now.
"Why? Why do you care about me?" Billy choked out. "You're one of the most popular people in our class and yet you spend your time with a loser. Why?"
"Because you are worth ten of every jerk who calls you that." Jason replied softly before switching tactics. "Think of your dad, Billy. What will he do if he loses you?"
"He won't even notice. He hasn't noticed me past making sure there's enough food for me to eat since mom died." Billy replied harshly.
"You know that's not true. He loves you. It would kill him to lose you too." Jason told Billy gently.
Billy let out a choked sob, "No one loves me. I'm little wimpy, geeky Billy. No one could love me."
"I love you, Billy! You're my best friend! I've known you since before I can remember! Kim and Zack love you! Your dad loves you! My parents love you, they think of you as a second son!" Jason was almost beside Billy know. Just an inch more and Jason would be able to get a hold of him. "Please, Billy, I care about you too much to lose you. Take my hand. Please, don't jump."
Billy hesitated for a second. Then he turned and slowly put his trembling, cold hand into Jason's warm hand. Jason pulled Billy towards him, wrapping Billy in a fierce embrace. Billy broke down into sobs as Jason moved Billy and himself back away from the edge. Jason managed to sit down sit holding Billy close to him.
"Shh. It's okay, it's okay." Jason soothed as he rocked the weeping boy in his arms.
"Don't leave me. Please, don't leave me." Billy sobbed as he buried his face in Jason's shirt.
"I'm not going anywhere, Billy. I won't leave you, ever, I promise." Jason gently smoothed Billy's hair, something Jason's mum had always done when Jason was upset. "Hush now, it's alright. It's going to be alright."
Billy clung to Jason as if his life depended on it and loud sobs shook his body. Jason was almost glad Billy had buried his face in his shirt as tears had began to stream down his face as well. Jason was terrified of how close he had come to losing Billy. If he had arrived a few seconds later it would have been too late. Because of that fear Jason returned the embrace without a thought to it. Holding Billy's trembling body close Jason rocked them back and forth as he murmured soothing words to comfort Billy.
Eventually Billy began to calm down. Jason slowly stopped rocking and rubbed Billy's back instead. Billy rested his head on Jason's broad shoulder. For a long time they sat there in silence, Billy hiccuping now that the tears had stopped and Jason rubbing Billy's back.
"Jase?" Billy said in a shaky voice.
"Yeah, Billy?" Jason replied, looking down at Billy's pale face and into his puffy red eyes. Billy was startled to see tear streaks on Jason's face that he didn't seem to be the least bit ashamed of.
"Thank you." Billy whispered lying his head back on Jason's shoulder. Billy felt so safe at that moment he didn't want to do anything to wreck it.
"Don't mention it. After all, what are friends for?" Jason managed a shaky smile that warmed Billy's heart. Sighing softly in slight relief Jason hugged the smaller, younger boy close. "I want you to promise me you will never, never, resort to trying this again."
"It's hard sometimes. Especially now that my mum's gone..." Billy whispered.
"I know it must be hard but if you're ever in trouble, any type of trouble you can always come to me. No matter what happens I'll be here to help you." Jason looked down at Billy, his dark brown eyes finding Billy's light green eyes and making them hold his gaze. "Promise me you will never do anything to intentionally hurt yourself."
"I promise, Jason." Billy whispered solemnly.
Jason let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding and hugged Billy close again, "I don't think I could lose you, Billy. You're my little bro, after all."
Billy snuggled closer to Jason smiling fondly at the nick name. Billy had gone to that ledge thinking it was too hard to go on, that no one really cared and would come away from it with renewed faith in himself. Through Billy's eyes that day Jason was a hero, his hero. The younger boy would always hold his 'big brother' with that regard, no matter what happened the fact remained...***
"...I would have jumped that day if Jason hadn't been there to stop me. He saved my life." Billy whispered staring down at the floor so he wouldn't have to look Tommy in the face.
Tommy was stunned that Billy, one of the smartest and most together people he knew, would try to commit suicide. It was baffling to think of Billy like that and not as the confidant young man he had come to know very well. Tommy put his arm around Billy's shoulders, not knowing what else to do or say.
"I know it's selfish of me but I don't want Jason to leave me...I don't want him to break his promise." Billy whispered.
Tommy opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by a low moan. Jason was stirring slightly, fighting to regain consciousness. Tommy drew away from Billy just a little to put a hand on Jason's shoulder, giving him an anchor to pull himself awake with. It was enough to steady Jason. Jason's eyes blinked open slowly, looking at Tommy and then to Billy. A wide grin lit up his weary face. Billy didn't know whether to smile or cry at the delight in Jason's eyes from seeing his old friend. Billy knew Jason was dying but the spark in his eyes had not faded, not yet.
"You're really here." Jason whispered hoarsely. "I thought for a second it had just been a dream. We didn't know if we would be able to get a hold of you."
Billy felt a lump in his throat and couldn't find his voice to speak but Jason didn't seem to mind, "Tommy, can you help me sit up?" Jason requested.
Tommy obliged, carefully helping Jason into a sitting position. Leaning back against the back board Jason closed his eyes briefly to fight away the aches and pains that were always there. Tommy saw Billy wipe away a tear discreetly and knew the two of them needed to
talk.
"I'm going to go take a shower." Tommy decided, using it as an excuse to leave them alone for awhile, "I'll be just down the hall if you need me."
Jason understood what Tommy was doing even if he was trying to be discreet, and nodded. Billy wasn't sure he wanted Tommy to leave. He felt a pang of hurt as he realized he didn't know what to say to his oldest friend. But Tommy left the room before Billy could
think up a reason to protest him leaving.
"I'm really glad you're here, Billy." Jason said looking his friend in the eye.
"I wanted it all to be a sick joke. I didn't think it could be real." Billy whispered forcing down the lump in his throat.
"I know, when the doctor told me I didn't want to believe it." Jason smiled sadly.
"There wasn't anything that could have been done?" Billy asked feeling tears well up in his eyes.
"Nothing that would have helped me. Chemo might have given me a few more months if I had started it right from the beginning but..." Jason began.
"Why didn't you do it then?" Billy tried to keep the anger and shock out of his voice but it didn't work well.
"We both know what kind of life I would have had left if I had chosen to do the chemotherpy." Jason replied, knowing some part of Billy would understand how sick and miserable he would have been.
"But it would have given you more time!" Billy couldn't keep the anger out of his voice. He couldn't believe that Jason hadn't wanted the chemotherapy, that he had given up.
"I would have been sick the whole time. I would have become more of a burden than I already am." Jason replied softly.
"You would have been alive longer! Doesn't that matter to you?! Why did you give up?!" Billy exclaimed, letting his anger at the situation get the better of him.
"Dammit Billy! I thought you would understand! The chemo would have made me physically ill. It would have bought me maybe seven months, if I was lucky, but I would have been in and out of the hospital, in pain and physically sick. I would have been as sick as I was when I had an allergic reaction to the pain killers and I refused to spend my last months of existence like that!" Jason retorted.
Billy started to say something but Jason wasn't finished yet, "I did not give up! Do not accuse me of giving up because I have never and will never give up! But I am dying, Billy! And there is nothing that can stop that! There is nothing anyone can do about it! Face it! I had to! I don't want to die but I can't control it. But I could control what kind of life I would have until I died. If I had done the chemotherapy I wouldn't have really been living for my last months! You want to know what I'm fighting for now? To stay alive long enough to see all my friends on last time."
"You promised me you would always be there for me!" Billy broke down into gasping sobs. "I'm stupid and selfish and should be doing something to help but all I can think of is that you aren't going to be there for me anymore. You're leaving me! You promised me you'd never leave me!"
Jason's angry expression softened as Billy dissolved into sobs. Jason quickly drew Billy into a warm hug. Billy immediately reacted to the embrace, hugging Jason for all he was worth, not realizing it caused Jason more pain. Billy didn't notice his friend stiffen before he was able to fight away the throbbing aches that threatened to overtake him. Billy's sobs drowned out the soft whimper that escaped Jason's lips. Nor did Billy notice the muscle and weight loss Jason had suffered because of the cancer and the reaction to the medication. The once strong arms were still reassuring and comforting to him.
"You're not stupid or selfish, Billy." Jason soothed his weeping friend. "You wouldn't feel this way if you didn't care about me."
"You're my little bro," Jason said softly. Billy managed a shaky grin through his tears at the fond nickname from when they were children, "I'm supposed to protect you. I know I'm breaking my promise. I wish I didn't have to and I'm truly sorry I have to leave you. I don't want to."
Billy pulled away slightly still letting Jason keep his arms around him but loosening his grip. Jason was thankful for that even though he wouldn't show it, or show that Billy's arms had caused him pain. Billy was not all that surprised to see the tears making their way down Jason's face. Jason managed to compose himself a little and spoke again.
"I want you to remember that no matter what happens I will always, always be with you. Not in the same way anymore but I will still be with you in spirit. I'll watch over you, I promise you that." Jason said drawing his friend closer even through it caused him pain. That time Billy felt the wince Jason couldn't suppress and he drew back in horror.
"I hurt you." Billy whispered horrified he had caused Jason physical pain.
"Not really..." Jason managed softly looking his friend in the eyes. He addressed the shame and sorrow in them quickly, "Billy, I would bear a thousand times this pain before it stopped me from hugging you and the others. I need the contact as much as you do."
"I'm sorry." Billy whispered. Jason smiled softly at his friend.
"There's no need to be. I don't mind the bit of pain that's caused by my friends hugging me. I can live with the pain but I don't think I want to live without being able to hug you guys." Jason told him.
Very tentatively Billy let Jason's arms wrap around him. Billy felt Jason suppress a cringe and almost pulled away but a stronger sense of need coming from both himself and Jason made him stay put. Billy let his head rest against Jason's shoulder gently, scared of causing him more pain. After a few minutes Billy relaxed in Jason's arms as Jason gently stroked Billy's hair like Billy had done for him before. Billy sobbed softly on Jason's shoulder trying in vain to contain his tears. He would find no contempt or anger in Jason's embrace, only comfort and compassion. It gave Billy strength during the hard times ahead---especially the ones where he wouldn't have the reassuring arms to comfort him.
