A Night In The infirmary

Thank you so much for all the encouraging reviews! You certainly made my day(s). I never thought I would get that much attention.

Again, thank you very much!!! (Please look at the bottom.)

But alas -  I am not quite sure if I can live up to your expectations. I did my best, but this is my first Angstfic and I really don't know if I overdid it or if the characters are ooc. So, as you can guess, I depend on you. If you'd tell me that you enjoyed this little story I would be incredibly happy.

But please, if you don't like it, I expect you to review. You see, I use this fic – as well as my others – as opportunity to learn. So if you don't tell me what was wrong with this story I won't improve.

Now, finally, here it is, the last chapter. I hope it is to your satisfaction, but like I said above I find it that rather difficult after all the praise for chapter one…

A Night In The infirmary

From: Caius Julius

Chapter Two: Behind the Façade

Severus just lay there, staring at the ceiling, seemingly oblivious that Lily was sitting next to his bed. But she didn't want to press him. God alone knew what he had been through – if he wanted to tell her he would. If not, well, she had at least tried to help him. Thus, she simply looked at him, patiently.

Finally, Severus gave a deep sigh and looked directly at Lily for the first time after beginning his story.

"You have to understand," he said. "This is at least partly my fault.  If I hadn't gone to London, father never would have over-reacted. I should have known it would end like… like it did." He fell silent again, giving Lily time to protest.

"Snape, for god's sake, stop saying it was your fault! You did nothing illegal, you know."

He snorted. "Illegal. Not by law, no. But I very well knew that father forbade anything like this, sneaking out of the house to go to muggle London and such. But did I respect his wishes? No."

Lily rolled her eyes. Only minutes ago, he had seemed so vulnerable, so very unlike the Severus Snape she knew. And now? He even defended his father and blamed himself. But then again, perhaps he didn't know any better, did he?

Instead of becoming annoyed, Lily decided to try to be calm and reasonable once more.

"Maybe you didn't follow his will, Snape. So what's wrong with that? Do you think I always do what my parents ask me to? I had my fare share of not-following-orders. But my parents never… beat me for it, or curse me. I get grounded or they cut off my pocket-money. That's all."

She saw first hints of disbelieve on Severus' face. Good.

"Now listen carefully, Snape. I am going to tell you something I never told James or Sirius or someone else." She paused. "When I was ten, I made my father very angry. Let's just say I wasn't behaving like daddy's nice, little girl. Well, he slapped me. Not hard; I just stared at him – and he stared back. I didn't even cry. But he did. The next second I was in his arms and he begged for my forgiveness."

She waited to see Severus' reaction. He stared numbly at the blanket in front of him, looking very sad in Lily's opinion.

"Father has never ever raised a hand at me again" she concluded.

"Do you understand, Severus? I do not idolise my parents – they are just humans. With human flaws and tempers. But also with human emotions like love and the desire to protect their children. Only when these emotions cease to exist humans become monsters."

Severus sobbed once more.

"I wish father would hold me like this just once."  He said silently. "You know, I think he may have loved me, a long time ago. When my mother was still alive. But after her death it got worse every year." He paused.

Lily didn't dare to say anything, in fear he might snap into Slytherin-mode again. He needed to talk to someone and she was the only one available. Thus, she gave him a small, encouraging smile and waited.

"My brother has always been father's 'golden boy'. Proud, overconfident and – most important – very receptive for the Dark Arts." Severus noticed Lily's frown.

"Yes, I know. I am quite famous for it myself," he continued with a half-smile which vanished as fast as it had come. "I think it's interesting - very much so, to be honest. But only to a certain extend. I don't believe in this pure-blood stuff the way father or Derron do. The same goes for Muggle things. There are some really nice books for example, or music. I am by far no Muggle-lover, mind you. I wasn't placed into Slytherin incidentally, as I am sure you have noticed."

Lily couldn't suppress a silent nod. Snape had been very nasty to her and her friends most of the time, after all.

"Unfortunately," he continued. "My father never saw my fascination for the Dark. Instead, he wanted to extinguish any interest for the Muggle world. But like many forbidden things, it drew only more attention to it."

Again, he stopped and closed his eyes, obviously reliving where his decision to contravene his father's regulations had gotten him.

"Like Christmas Eve?" Lily asked carefully, not wanting him to stop now that they had come this far.

"Yes, " he said. "Exactly like Christmas Eve. Father was beside himself with rage. I guess that had been the last straw. But after he had dragged me down to the basement the first anger had passed; he suddenly became very controlled. No longer tempered and emotional but cold and calculating. Never in all my live have I feared him more than in this instant."

He paused and briefly closed his eyes once more. When he continued, his voice was barely more than a whisper.

"He… he stripped me of my clothes. All of them." He stopped when he saw the horror dawning on Lily's face.

"This is the prelude to an ancient punishment," he explained. "Not a… sexual approach."

She looked relieved. Though not for long, because Severus continued.

"I was too scared to move. Even when Derron forced some wit-enhancing potion into me. It was to keep me from losing consciousness as I learned later on."

Again, he stopped. The memories were overwhelming him, but still he went on.

*******************************************************

"Now, Severus, let me tell you something about trust. To trust means to be able to rely on someone. To rely on someone's faith and obedience. In most cases trust has to be earned, but within a family it is normally given freely because of the strong bond between all the family members, since they know they can count on each other. And thus, when someone steps out of the line, the others do their utmost to bring him back into the fold."

Mr. Snape looked at his son coldly.

"Crucio." He whispered.

"But you see, Severus," Mr. Snape continued while his victim lay in agony at his feet.  "Sometimes kind words are not enough to do so." He lifted the curse and watched as Severus slowly got back into a sitting position.

"Sometimes the family has to take more convincing steps…"

He slowly pointed his wand back at Severus.

"Contundo!"

The boy's sudden yell of pain drowned the splitting sound of one of his knees being crushed. Severus clutched his left leg and clenched his teeth to keep himself from screaming.

"Against all odds I hoped you would fall back into line, Severus. That you would listen to reason. I tried my best to keep you away from those abysmal inferior Muggles, the scum of the earth. But did you obey? Did you acknowledge or appreciate my hard work? No. My own son turned against those closest to him." He looked at Severus who still moaned softly.

"Contundo!"

The second knee gave way.

*******************************************************

"Father subjected me to several pain curses. He was acting very cool while doing it. Like someone playing chess, calculating his every move. " Severus sobbed.

"He… he broke my arms and legs… Not like someone hitting you with a stick. Not at all. Rather like an invisible hand, reaching for its victim, stroking and finally crushing it. He did it slowly. Bon for bone." Severus closed his eyes but Lily could see a few tears running down his cheeks.

"It felt like hours. Every once in a while he would taunt me and tell me what a disappointment I was to him. That this was his last try to bring me to terms.

*******************************************************

Mr. Snape towered over the naked and convulsing body that was his son. Blood was running freely from the boy's mouth and nose, causing him to cough from time to time. But still, despite all his fear, Severus hadn't begged for mercy once.

This hadn't gone unnoticed by his father.

"You surprise me, Severus. It seems you are not as weak as I thought you to be. Do tell me," he bent over his son. "Did I make my point clear? Hm?"

Severus stared, unable to focus on something.

 "Yes, father." He murmured. "You did."

Mr. Snape turned to his first-born son. "What do you think, Derron?"

The young man shrugged, eying Severus with an evil sneer.

"Well,"  Mr. Snape continued. "I wouldn't want you to mistake my intentions, Severus." He knelt before him and stroke his hair gently, while Severus looked into his father's eyes with an unsure smile.

"And I am glad you agree with me," Mr. Snape whispered to Severus.

"I am sure you understand." He paused and held Severus' gaze before turning cold again. "Crucio!"

*******************************************************

"I cannot remember much after that." He said, his voice quivering from memories. "Just that at some point he checked my wounds to see how serious they were. Then he and Derron left." He closed his eyes and allowed the tears to wet his face.

"It was so cold in there, so very cold." Severus whispered.

                        It's cold here…

"And the pain. The pain…

                        and it hurts so much.

"Every time he came I begged him to free me –

                        I didn't meant to be a disgrace to you.

                        Let me out.

"But he just looked at me and called some house elves to see to it that I didn't die. A whole week passed until he released me."

So that was how he got the pneumonia, Lily thought.

She stared at the whimpering and crying boy before her. So very unlike the Slytherin who used to fight with James and Sirius; who tried his worst to cause Gryffindor trouble. Which part of him was façade, which one was real? She wasn't sure if Severus himself knew the answer.

She stroke his arm gently. "Don't worry, Severus. The Headmaster will make sure that your father never hurts you again."

At this Severus jerked away from her.

"No! No-one must hear of it. No-one!"

"But Severus! He nearly killed you. You must-"

"No! Please, Lily, you mustn't tell anyone! Please!" he almost begged her.

"Don't worry about me. I will survive."

She stared disbelievingly at him.

"But why, Severus. Why would you wish to protect him while he did no such thing for you?"

He stared at the floor, his eyes looking strangely glassy.

"You'd ruin my family." He said silently. "You see, my father was right in one thing: A family sticks together – at least in some way. Besides, such an action would be considered weak. And I have worked so hard all these years not to be a weakling."

"Severus, no-one in his right mind would call you weak. Not after what you endured. Not many would have been so brave."

"Brave." He snorted. "Brave is for Gryffindors. If I am not able to survive on my own I don't have right to live at all." He said this with a tone which clearly stated that the discussion was over.

Lily sighed. Normally, she wouldn't have given up just now but Severus was in no condition to argue – no matter how strong he might act. This night she had seen him nearer to breakdown then ever before. Come to think of it, she had never even thought of him breaking down at all…

Thus, she only nodded in fake agreement.

"But take care, Severus." She said. "You are walking on a very thin line. If you don't watch out you might find yourself on the same side as your father one day."

He sneered at her. "Never. Never in all my life."

She rolled her eyes. Dealing with Severus was tiring.

"Never is a very long time. You are already very adept at shutting off your true feelings-"

"My feelings? Hah!" He gave a short laugh, followed by a series of coughs.

"When in the past few years…" he added in a whisper, an unreadable expression on his face. "When has someone ever cared about my feelings?"

"I do," Lily said simply. At least now. In that moment she could see past his defences. For once she got a glimpse of  the boy behind the mask and what she saw scared her. His eyes, usually hateful or devoid of any emotion, showed sorrow and agony of a depth that seemed non-finite.

But the moment passed and Severus' shields were up again.

Lily turned and walked back to her bad.

"Lily – I mean Evans –" he asked a little shy – shy? Severus?

She smiled. "You may say Lily, if I am allowed to say Severus, that is." Haven't we already used our first names this night?

"You are. Well, Lily, um, thank you. For listening." She could have sworn he blushed a bit. But maybe it was only the remnants of fever.

"Good Night, Severus. Try to find some sleep."

"Same to you."

THE END

Hmmm, strange ending. I didn't wanted it to be slightly happy! It was meant to be an Angstfic until the end!!

Well, hope you liked it anyway. You know, as always: REVIEW, if you please.

Oh, I forgot:

"contundo" means something like "to crunch" (as if you couldn't tell)

Now to my dear reviewers:

Jivanna:

You know my other story? Hey, why didn't you review? Only joking… Thanks for the support.

Sarah Black:

Wow! I'm taken aback. Hope you like this part as well.

Lady Lupin:

Well, this is a nice compliment for me, you know.

Molly_Hail

Soon enough?

Clara2000:

Snapefan that I am, I hardly could picture him otherwise.

Dizzy Girl:

He, he! No it certainly doesn't…

rocky:

Yeah, well… I am sorry!

Black Sparkles:

Now you know. I hope I didn't overdue it.

Zavval:

Thank you very much. As you can see, I DID continue it.

JoyofPotter:

Uff! You don't like nice-Snape but enjoy my fic? Thank you, really, that means a lot to me.

Jenneigh:

Ehm, well, that was a very, ehm, let's say strange mistake, wasn't it?

Blackletter:

Hope you didn't die from the wait…

Admiral Albia:

As you wish!

So that's it! My first finished story, by the way. Yep!

Have a nice day!

Caius