Thank you so much for all the encouraging reviews! You certainly made
my day(s). I never thought I would get that much attention.
Again, thank you very much!!! (Please look at
the bottom.)
But alas - I am not quite sure
if I can live up to your expectations. I did my best, but this is my first
Angstfic and I really don't know if I overdid it or if the characters are ooc.
So, as you can guess, I depend on you. If you'd tell me that you enjoyed this
little story I would be incredibly happy.
But please, if you don't like it,
I expect you to review. You see, I use this fic – as well as my
others – as opportunity to learn. So if you don't tell me what was wrong with
this story I won't improve.
Now, finally, here it is, the last chapter. I
hope it is to your satisfaction, but like I said above I find it that rather
difficult after all the praise for chapter one…
A Night In The infirmary
From: Caius Julius
Chapter Two: Behind
the Façade
Severus
just lay there, staring at the ceiling, seemingly oblivious that Lily was
sitting next to his bed. But she didn't want to press him. God alone knew what
he had been through – if he wanted to tell her he would. If not, well, she had
at least tried to help him. Thus, she simply looked at him, patiently.
Finally,
Severus gave a deep sigh and looked directly at Lily for the first time after
beginning his story.
"You have
to understand," he said. "This is at least partly my fault. If I hadn't gone to London, father never
would have over-reacted. I should have known it would end like… like it did."
He fell silent again, giving Lily time to protest.
"Snape, for
god's sake, stop saying it was your fault! You did nothing illegal, you know."
He snorted.
"Illegal. Not by law, no. But I very well knew that father forbade
anything like this, sneaking out of the house to go to muggle London and such.
But did I respect his wishes? No."
Lily rolled
her eyes. Only minutes ago, he had seemed so vulnerable, so very unlike the
Severus Snape she knew. And now? He even defended his father and blamed
himself. But then again, perhaps he didn't know any better, did he?
Instead of
becoming annoyed, Lily decided to try to be calm and reasonable once more.
"Maybe you
didn't follow his will, Snape. So what's wrong with that? Do you think I always
do what my parents ask me to? I had my fare share of not-following-orders. But
my parents never… beat me for it, or curse me. I get grounded or they cut off
my pocket-money. That's all."
She saw first
hints of disbelieve on Severus' face. Good.
"Now listen
carefully, Snape. I am going to tell you something I never told James or Sirius
or someone else." She paused. "When I was ten, I made my father very angry.
Let's just say I wasn't behaving like daddy's nice, little girl. Well, he
slapped me. Not hard; I just stared at him – and he stared back. I didn't even
cry. But he did. The next second I was in his arms and he begged for my
forgiveness."
She waited
to see Severus' reaction. He stared numbly at the blanket in front of him,
looking very sad in Lily's opinion.
"Father has
never ever raised a hand at me again" she concluded.
"Do you
understand, Severus? I do not idolise my parents – they are just humans. With
human flaws and tempers. But also with human emotions like love and the desire
to protect their children. Only when these emotions cease to exist humans
become monsters."
Severus
sobbed once more.
"I wish
father would hold me like this just once."
He said silently. "You know, I think he may have loved me, a long time
ago. When my mother was still alive. But after her death it got worse every
year." He paused.
Lily didn't
dare to say anything, in fear he might snap into Slytherin-mode again. He
needed to talk to someone and she was the only one available. Thus, she gave
him a small, encouraging smile and waited.
"My brother
has always been father's 'golden boy'. Proud, overconfident and – most
important – very receptive for the Dark Arts." Severus noticed Lily's frown.
"Yes, I
know. I am quite famous for it myself," he continued with a half-smile which
vanished as fast as it had come. "I think it's interesting - very much so, to
be honest. But only to a certain extend. I don't believe in this pure-blood
stuff the way father or Derron do. The same goes for Muggle things. There are
some really nice books for example, or music. I am by far no Muggle-lover, mind
you. I wasn't placed into Slytherin incidentally, as I am sure you have
noticed."
Lily
couldn't suppress a silent nod. Snape had been very nasty to her and her
friends most of the time, after all.
"Unfortunately,"
he continued. "My father never saw my fascination for the Dark. Instead, he
wanted to extinguish any interest for the Muggle world. But like many forbidden
things, it drew only more attention to it."
Again, he
stopped and closed his eyes, obviously reliving where his decision to
contravene his father's regulations had gotten him.
"Like
Christmas Eve?" Lily asked carefully, not wanting him to stop now that they had
come this far.
"Yes, " he
said. "Exactly like Christmas Eve. Father was beside himself with rage. I guess
that had been the last straw. But after he had dragged me down to the basement
the first anger had passed; he suddenly became very controlled. No longer
tempered and emotional but cold and calculating. Never in all my live have I
feared him more than in this instant."
He paused
and briefly closed his eyes once more. When he continued, his voice was barely
more than a whisper.
"He… he
stripped me of my clothes. All of them." He stopped when he saw the horror
dawning on Lily's face.
"This is
the prelude to an ancient punishment," he explained. "Not a… sexual approach."
She looked
relieved. Though not for long, because Severus continued.
"I was too
scared to move. Even when Derron forced some wit-enhancing potion into me. It
was to keep me from losing consciousness as I learned later on."
Again, he
stopped. The memories were overwhelming him, but still he went on.
*******************************************************
"Now,
Severus, let me tell you something about trust. To trust means to be able to
rely on someone. To rely on someone's faith and obedience. In most cases trust
has to be earned, but within a family it is normally given freely because of the
strong bond between all the family members, since they know they can count on
each other. And thus, when someone steps out of the line, the others do their
utmost to bring him back into the fold."
Mr.
Snape looked at his son coldly.
"Crucio."
He whispered.
"But you
see, Severus," Mr. Snape continued while his victim lay in agony at his
feet. "Sometimes kind words are not
enough to do so." He lifted the curse and watched as Severus slowly got back
into a sitting position.
"Sometimes
the family has to take more convincing steps…"
He
slowly pointed his wand back at Severus.
"Contundo!"
The boy's sudden yell of pain drowned the splitting sound
of one of his knees being crushed. Severus clutched his left leg and clenched
his teeth to keep himself from screaming.
"Against
all odds I hoped you would fall back into line, Severus. That you would listen
to reason. I tried my best to keep you away from those abysmal inferior
Muggles, the scum of the earth. But did you obey? Did you acknowledge or
appreciate my hard work? No. My own son turned against those closest to him."
He looked at Severus who still moaned softly.
"Contundo!"
The
second knee gave way.
*******************************************************
"Father subjected
me to several pain curses. He was acting very cool while doing it. Like someone
playing chess, calculating his every move. " Severus sobbed.
"He… he
broke my arms and legs… Not like someone hitting you with a stick. Not at all.
Rather like an invisible hand, reaching for its victim, stroking and finally
crushing it. He did it slowly. Bon for bone." Severus closed his eyes but Lily
could see a few tears running down his cheeks.
"It felt
like hours. Every once in a while he would taunt me and tell me what a
disappointment I was to him. That this was his last try to bring me to terms.
*******************************************************
Mr.
Snape towered over the naked and convulsing body that was his son. Blood was
running freely from the boy's mouth and nose, causing him to cough from time to
time. But still, despite all his fear, Severus hadn't begged for mercy once.
This
hadn't gone unnoticed by his father.
"You
surprise me, Severus. It seems you are not as weak as I thought you to be. Do tell
me," he bent over his son. "Did I make my point clear? Hm?"
Severus
stared, unable to focus on something.
"Yes, father." He murmured. "You did."
Mr.
Snape turned to his first-born son. "What do you think, Derron?"
The
young man shrugged, eying Severus with an evil sneer.
"Well," Mr. Snape continued. "I wouldn't want you to
mistake my intentions, Severus." He knelt before him and stroke his hair
gently, while Severus looked into his father's eyes with an unsure smile.
"And I
am glad you agree with me," Mr. Snape whispered to Severus.
"I am
sure you understand." He paused and held Severus' gaze before turning cold
again. "Crucio!"
*******************************************************
"I cannot
remember much after that." He said, his voice quivering from memories. "Just
that at some point he checked my wounds to see how serious they were. Then he
and Derron left." He closed his eyes and allowed the tears to wet his face.
"It was so
cold in there, so very cold." Severus whispered.
It's cold here…
"And the
pain. The pain…
…and it
hurts so much.
"Every time
he came I begged him to free me –
I
didn't meant to be a disgrace to you.
Let
me out.
"But he
just looked at me and called some house elves to see to it that I didn't die. A
whole week passed until he released me."
So that was
how he got the pneumonia, Lily thought.
She stared
at the whimpering and crying boy before her. So very unlike the Slytherin who
used to fight with James and Sirius; who tried his worst to cause Gryffindor
trouble. Which part of him was façade, which one was real? She wasn't sure if
Severus himself knew the answer.
She stroke
his arm gently. "Don't worry, Severus. The Headmaster will make sure that your
father never hurts you again."
At this
Severus jerked away from her.
"No! No-one
must hear of it. No-one!"
"But
Severus! He nearly killed you. You must-"
"No!
Please, Lily, you mustn't tell anyone! Please!" he almost begged her.
"Don't
worry about me. I will survive."
She stared
disbelievingly at him.
"But why,
Severus. Why would you wish to protect him while he did no such thing for you?"
He stared
at the floor, his eyes looking strangely glassy.
"You'd ruin
my family." He said silently. "You see, my father was right in one thing: A family
sticks together – at least in some way. Besides, such an action would be
considered weak. And I have worked so hard all these years not to be a
weakling."
"Severus,
no-one in his right mind would call you weak. Not after what you endured. Not
many would have been so brave."
"Brave."
He snorted. "Brave is for Gryffindors. If I am not able to survive on my own I
don't have right to live at all." He said this with a tone which clearly stated
that the discussion was over.
Lily
sighed. Normally, she wouldn't have given up just now but Severus was in no
condition to argue – no matter how strong he might act. This night she had seen
him nearer to breakdown then ever before. Come to think of it, she had never
even thought of him breaking down at all…
Thus, she
only nodded in fake agreement.
"But take
care, Severus." She said. "You are walking on a very thin line. If you don't
watch out you might find yourself on the same side as your father one day."
He sneered
at her. "Never. Never in all my life."
She rolled
her eyes. Dealing with Severus was tiring.
"Never
is a very long time. You are already very adept at shutting off your true
feelings-"
"My
feelings? Hah!" He gave a short laugh, followed by a series of coughs.
"When in
the past few years…" he added in a whisper, an unreadable expression on his
face. "When has someone ever cared about my feelings?"
"I do,"
Lily said simply. At least now. In that moment she could see past his
defences. For once she got a glimpse of
the boy behind the mask and what she saw scared her. His eyes, usually
hateful or devoid of any emotion, showed sorrow and agony of a depth that
seemed non-finite.
But the
moment passed and Severus' shields were up again.
Lily turned
and walked back to her bad.
"Lily – I
mean Evans –" he asked a little shy – shy? Severus?
She smiled.
"You may say Lily, if I am allowed to say Severus, that is." Haven't we already
used our first names this night?
"You are.
Well, Lily, um, thank you. For listening." She could have sworn he blushed
a bit. But maybe it was only the remnants of fever.
"Good
Night, Severus. Try to find some sleep."
"Same to
you."
THE END
Hmmm,
strange ending. I didn't wanted it to be slightly happy! It was meant to be an
Angstfic until the end!!
Well, hope
you liked it anyway. You know, as always: REVIEW, if you please.
Oh, I
forgot:
"contundo"
means something like "to crunch" (as if you couldn't tell)
Now to my
dear reviewers:
Jivanna:
You know my
other story? Hey, why didn't you review? Only joking… Thanks for the support.
Sarah
Black:
Wow! I'm
taken aback. Hope you like this part as well.
Lady
Lupin:
Well, this
is a nice compliment for me, you know.
Molly_Hail
Soon
enough?
Clara2000:
Snapefan
that I am, I hardly could picture him otherwise.
Dizzy Girl:
He, he! No
it certainly doesn't…
rocky:
Yeah, well…
I am sorry!
Black
Sparkles:
Now you
know. I hope I didn't overdue it.
Zavval:
Thank you
very much. As you can see, I DID continue it.
JoyofPotter:
Uff! You
don't like nice-Snape but enjoy my fic? Thank you, really, that means a lot to
me.
Jenneigh:
Ehm, well,
that was a very, ehm, let's say strange mistake, wasn't it?
Blackletter:
Hope you
didn't die from the wait…
Admiral
Albia:
As you
wish!
So that's
it! My first finished story, by the way. Yep!
Have a nice
day!
Caius