The Wonderful World of Tortall

The Wonderful World of Tamora Pierce Characters: PART II!

Scene 2: Duke Barney has gotten together his purple dinosaur minions and is marching toward Tortall, fully armed!

Duke Barney: I love you, you love me, we're a happy fa-mi-ly… with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you… won't… you… say… you… love… me… too….

Sir Po: *Barney's right hand man.* Oh great sir Barney, we have isolated Emalen and are prepared to attack at dawn.

Barney: *Swears* Have you been listening to the captions? We're at TORTALL, dungface!

Sir Lala: *Barney's left hand man.* Oh great Duke Barney, please spare Po. He simply has to learn to keep his foot from his hands. Or is that his foot from his feet?

Director: *Still from backstage - never seems to make an appearance, does he?* IT'S HIS FOOT FROM HIS MOUTH, DUNGFACE!

Sir Dipsy: *Barney's right-foot man* THAT'S NOT NICE! COME OUT AND FIGHT LIKE A PURPLE DINOSAUR!

Director: Shut up and read the script!

Sir Tinky-Winky: *Barney's left-foot man* *To the others* Don't talk like that - it only makes Barney and the Director mad.

Cut scene to Numair arguing about proportions of blasphemous toads.

Numair: I'm telling you! I saw at least four-dozen known blasphemous toads yesterday around East West street.

Shinkokami: East West street? Isn't that a contradiction of terms?

Numair: NO! IT'S A STREET NAME, OK! MY STREET! MY NAME! MY DYSFUNCTIONAL STORY!

Director: *From behind stage - just let me know when you get tired of that, OK?* No, it's MY dysfunctional story. Don't try to steal the credit. And anyway, I can't believe we're claming ownership of a dysfunctional story, especially since we started out talking about - BLASPHEMOUS TOADS. *Director looks at Numair sternly; Numair gulps and continues on with his lines.*

Numair: ANYWAY, the point is that something must be done about these toads! Roald? You'll be king someday, what do you propose?

Roald: *Thinks about it solemnly for a few moments, then brightens. A pair of royal horns call and fanfare him as he proclaims his idea.* LET'S DECLARE A WAR ON DANDRUFF! *Entire crowd cheers as Numair wanders off muttering to himself, "WHAT THE HECK DOES A WAR ON DANDRUFF HAVE TO DO WITH BLASPHEMOUS TOADS?"

Cut scene to Raoul entangling Kel in a dangerous mission that will probably get them all killed.

Raoul: Kel, could you get away from that idiot Cleon for a moment and get over here? I have a dangerous, suicidal plan that could get us all killed, destroy the realm of Tortall, and destroy the structure and values we have carefully built upon. Do you want -

Kel: Sure! When do we start?

Raoul: Um… how about next year!

Kel: Ok! *Goes back to being romantically in love with yet not actually doing anything that would get this rated PG-13 or maybe even R or NC-17 with Cleon.*

Prince: (A/N: Did you really think I had forgotten about him? You didn't? What a disappointment. *I sulk back into the crowd and merge with the food counter.*) I WANT A PIECE OF CHEESE! ALSO CRACKERS AND WINE IN MONGOOSE SAUCE!

Kel: Picky, picky. You have no right to order gourmet delicacies as long as you have a long tongue!

Prince: I was BORN with a long tongue. Holds it up proudly. It's my pride and joy! And YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! NA NAH NA NAH BOO BOOO!

Author: Oh yeah? *I magically create a long tongue and wear it, frightening the frog into the lake.*

*Cleon and Kel continue their romantic evening of doing absolutely nothing. I get bored.*

Cut scene to Numair doing a great working.

Numair: Oh great pot of cheese-berries, make me a grand and wise sorcerer. A sorcerer who can do great workings like this without saying anything that other people would understand. A great and mystical sorcerer, a sorcerer capable of all things! Raising his voice. A SORCERER WHO ISN'T AS STUPID AS I AM!

* A mystical steam bubble appears over the pot. Numair smiles and waits for the spell to complete before drinking the potion. Suddenly, the pot explodes and… Harry Potter stands in its wake.*

Harry: Hey, dude! What's up? Like, one minute I'm with Ron in Snape's digs, and the next minute I'm here! Totally happening, dude. *Inspects the place.* So whatcha got to eat, anyway, punk? Feeling luck, punk? I'm Harry Potter. I defeated Lord Voldemort a large number of times because no author lets me die. I am invincible! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Numair: PUNK? I know not what it means, but it is obviously insulting. I shall turn you into a bouncing ferret for that! *Numair makes arcane gestures and points at Harry with his long tongue. Harry Potter turns into… a bouncing weasel.*

Numair: WHY IS IT THAT I NEVER GET THE FERRET SPELL RIGHT?

Cut scene to Duke Barney, preparing a grand procession to Emel- I mean, to Corus.

Barney: I want all troops out there! Single file! All four of my limbs, go move, move, move!

Po: Yes, sir!

Lala: Right away, sir!

Dipsy: Of course, sir!

Tinky-Winky: BIG HUG! *Barney glares at him.* I mean, As you wish, sir!

Barney: Good. I'm glad to see SOMEONE here still knows about obedience… *Looks pointedly at himself. His four hands and feet look blank.*

Barney: *Disgustedly* Never mind! Just look good.

*The entire army marches straight into the shop of Lord Jabus Jabus Mooplace. *

Jabus Jabus: HOT-DOGS! 15 gold nobles for 20, since they haven't even been invented yet!

Barney: Thank you, we'd like 10000 of those. Purple dinosaurs need to keep their strength up.

Jabus Jabus: Of course! Here, take them all! *Lord Jabus Jabus Mooplace becomes the richest guy in town, including the king, momentarily. *

Barney: Now, let us FIGHT! LIKE THE DINOSAURS WE ARE! COOK, FRY THOSE HOT DOGS!

End of Scene 2

So, will our... errmm… heroes defeat the malicious dinosaur? Or will the evil beast defeat them and their "cherished ways of life"? Who cares? You do, you say? Well, that's too bad, because I'm too lazy to right more right now. You'll just have to wait for the next chapter… so there! MWAHAHAHAHAHA RESISTANCE IS FUTILE SUBMIT HUMANS… Oookaayy… now time for my therapy appointment.

"Do that thing again."

"This?"

"No, the other thing."

"This?

"WHEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAA!"

Again, you had to be there.

--Life, the Universe and Everything.

--Series: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

--By Douglas Adams