The Wonderful World of Tamora Pierce Characters: PART III!
As those of you with photographic memories will remember, when we were last in Emalen the duke had summoned everybody to watch Niko fight in the whirlwind. Now, Niko has filed a lawsuit against Winding Circle, Emalen, and everybody else he could find laughing at him. Here they are in a courtroom.
Niko's Lawyer (NL): The following people: *Reads from a long list of names for about three hours.* have been implicated in an attempt to laugh at one Niklaren Goldseye, commonly known as Niko, powerful mage, person in council at Lightbridge, Winding Circle… *His voice drones on and on.*
Niko: ENOUGH ALREADY! Plus, one of them put me in a whirlwind!
NL: Niko, you charged for people laughing at you, not you being put in a whirlwind. That's a separate case.
Niko: But…
*Everyone laughs at Niko. Niko glares at them, and they all run from cover, still laughing. They calm down and return to their places.*
Duke of Emalen (DE): Lawyer, please come here!
Duke of Emalen's Lawyer (DL): I don't like you, NL. You caused great damage to my property last midsummer morning. Plus, you never beat me. So I don't like you. Plus, familiarity breeds contempt.
NL: IF we may return to the case on hand…
DL: What case?
Niko: PEOPLE LAUGHED AT ME!
NL and DL and everyone but Niko himself: SO WHAT!?!
Cut scene to Duke Barney storming Jonathan's castle.
Barney: We've got them surrounded! Now, you four idiots, you and your armies get to utter your special war cries. Ready? Go!!
*They begin to yell battle cries in fearsome voices.*
Po: EEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Lala: BBBBBBBBBBBIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGG HHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!
Dipsy: DDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPSSSSSSSSSSSSYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
Tinky-Winky: TINKA-WINKA-WINKY-WINKY TINKA-WINKA-TINKY-WINKY!!!!!!
*They rush upon the castle and almost trip on a pile of deer that have conveniently popped out of nowhere in front of them.*
Barney: Where did THOSE come from?
Dead Pile of Deer (DPD): We enjoy being here.
Barney: Step aside! I am Lord Barney!
DPD: You're DUKE Barney, you idiot. And soon WE'LL be duke around here.
Barney: Yeah, right. You're only delaying us.
*Barney and friends suddenly trip over a pile of rabbits that have conveniently popped out of nowhere right where they're standing.*
*Barney suddenly notices a sign that says, "Road washed out. Use alternate route."*
Barney: Men! It's time to use an alternate route… guys? *Barney notices his army running around insanely in the distance.* HEY, WAIT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cut scene to Jonathan with his ministers and minstrels and advisors and all that other stuff, deciding what to do about the fearsome army.
Daine: Those purple dinosaurs were HUGE!
Jonathan: And did you notice that the four ones next to the leader had strange things sticking out of their heads?
Alanna: This is a case of NATIONAL EMERGENCY. All hands to the deck!
Jonathan: *Looking at Alanna strangely, sort of like she's a little off in the head.*
Alanna: You know, giving the leader the power to do whatever he wants.
Jonathan: I can ALREADY do whatever I want.
Alanna: Oh, you're no fun.
Lord Wyldon: Our infantry is being cut to pieces out there…
Bob the Pineapple: I'm not in this story… I don't like it… that alone condemns it… Plus… I'm a master reviewer…
Director: GET OUT. *Director tries to turn Bob the Pineapple into a fruit salad, but fails because sea75enchantress really likes Bob the Pineapple. Director shrugs his shoulders and sends Bob back into his own story.*
Jonathan: Thanks. *To the others.* So WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?
Numair: I think you should use the Dominion Jewel.
Jonathan: Yeah, but there are also a bunch of laws of magic about why I can and can't use it except when I really need it, which according to those laws is never because I never really need it until I'm dead, to resurrect myself, and I can't do it while I'm dead, and even if I could there are further laws about why I'm not important enough to resurrect.
Thayet: ???!?!?What?!?!???
Jonathan: Never mind. Maybe I should use it anyway.
Daine: Good idea. Oh, and Alanna?
Alanna: Yeah?
Daine: The pooh bears all say they have hot dogs. I have a private craving for hot dogs… please get some for me.
Alanna: OOOOOOOOOOOooooooooookaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy… I'll keep that in mind. *Alanna mutters something about crazy Wildmage and walks away.*
Numair: And the numbers of blasphemous toads are greater than ever! You can now find a blasphemous toad at every corner!
Everybody else: SHUT UP, NUMAIR!
Numair: Oh, fine. But seriously, I really have absolutely nothing to tell you here…
*Everybody binds and gags Numair, and move back to their seats.*
Cut scene to Niko being offended.
Niko: I'm offended! People are not respecting me!
Tris: That's not hard. *Tris laughs uproariously. No one else seems to find it funny.* Hey, why isn't anybody else laughing? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Baron George of Pirate's Swoop: Because it's NOT funny. Hey, what am I doing here anyway? I don't belong here. I belong back home, next to my purple teapot.
Director: You are absolutely right… although I think the teapot's green. How exactly DID you get here?
George: I was just snoozing away on my sofa, and all of the sudden some idiot appeared. He said his name was Lord Voldemort and I should bow down to him. I said he obviously was thinking of some other story, and he said he'd show me who was in the wrong story and the next second I was here, listening to that little girl laughing her head off at that stupid joke.
Director: VOLDEMORT!
Voldemort: *Appearing suddenly* Ever at your service, O mighty director.
Director: Get out of the play, all right?
Voldemort: Why?
Director: *Grasps Voldemort firmly by the eardrum and sends him off into the unknown.* *Shrugs* Never try to barter with Death Eaters.
NL: *Glares at everyone.* IF I may continue… do you plead innocent or guilty?
Duke: I plead guilty! Niko is funny… hahahahahaha! Hohohohohoho! Hehehehehehe! And also, HA! He is stupid! He goes around being… um… I forget what you call it… pretentiously prattle-brained! He puts on airs - just look at him!
*Everyone looks at Numair, who is covered with heavy blankets of air.*
Director: *Smugly* I made those myself!
*The "commonly confused words" police suddenly enter the courtroom, sirens blaring, and grab the director! They handcuff him!*
Police Guy 1: You are under ARREST for confusing words!
Police Guy 2: "Putting on airs," means being all high and mighty and giving yourself titles that take way to long to say and stuff.
Police Guy 3: TAKE THAT! *The three police guys storm off, leaving the director where he is with a huge summons. The director stares at it.*
Director: This costs $725839589328592303358923859238508143848234234.453????!!!!!
Police: *From far away…* Yep.
Director: This is STUPID! HOW CAN I PAY FOR THIS!
Really, Really, REALLY Very Super Extremely Rich Guy: Where did I come from? Oh, yeah! I'll go check in this brain I bought.
Director: ??? Where did you come from?
Really, Really, REALLY Very Super Extremely Rich Guy: Some guy named Barney gave me lots of money for hot dogs… I was going to drop off the $725839589328592303358923859238508143848234234.45 I owe you for giving me the fabulous opportunity! A very small amount to me, of course…
Director: *After receiving the money, calls out* HOW AM I GOING TO PAY THE 0.003????!!!!
Baby Boy: Here, take it! It's from my allowance.
Director: Speaking of hot dogs…
Cut scene to everyone but Duke Barney lying dead.
*Everyone in Corus gasps.*
EVERYONE: THE PURPLE DINOSAURS, DEAD!?!?!
Really, Really, REALLY Very Super Extremely Rich Guy: Um… it looks like my hot dog recipe wasn't quite as good as I thought…
Daine: *Loudly* WHAT???? *Daine suddenly realizes that she's been poisoned and falls dramatically dead.*
Numair: Oh, no! I'm sorry for everything bad I said, my sweet!
Jonathan: Shut up, Numair.
*Daine is revived.*
Numair: Daine! You're alive! *Numair begins hugging and kissing Daine. Everybody turns their faces away so they won't have to witness it if it turns out this is a PG 13 scene.*
*Fortunately for all you little kiddies out there, it isn't.*
Daine: Of COURSE I'm alive! What else did you expect??? I need to be alive for the coming scenes.
*With lots of silvery smoke stuff, the badger god appears.*
Badger God: Veralidaine Sarrasri was revived by myself and Weiryn, as you should all know. We need to leave her in the story for plot purposes. Otherwise, I'd have left her there, for heavens sake. She's way more trouble than she's worth.
Daine: HEY! I thought you were my friend… *Sniffles*
Badger God: When did I EVER say ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
Director: *Huffing and puffing because he's so overweight.* Who's THAT?
Badger God: I'm the BADGER GOD, for heaven's sake. Read my name!
Director: *Consulting a sheet of cow entrails.* Hey… *Realization dawns on him.* YOU'RE not in the script!!!!!!
Badger God: I am a god. I go and come where I please.
Director: I am the director. I have power over all things in this play while the cameras are on. I am about to smash you out of the script.
Badger God: Are not.
Director: Am too.
Badger God: Are not.
Director: Am too.
Badger God: Are not.
Director: Am too.
Badger God: Are not.
Director: Am too.
Badger God: Are not.
Director: Am too.
Badger God: Are not.
Director: ENOUGH ALREADY! *Director erases something, and Badger God looks mildly surprised as he is flung out of the universe.*
Director: WHEW! I'm getting too old to do this much longer.
Scene ends
So, will the trial ever actually finish? Is anything new ever going to happen? The answer, most likely, is YES! Lot's of other interesting things like what's here will be here shortly, until one fine day some idiot… never mind.
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