Everything Bleeds: Abby's Part (Love is Lost)
By Lindy

Today was bad. When I say bad, I mean horrible. I mean there were lots of little things, there were a few big things, and then there were the regular problems that just added to the incoming misery. Oh, it was grand, let me tell you! Just the night I needed to follow up a hard week - oh, wait, that's right, it's only Wednesday. And I have two more days left and a shift on Saturday to get through before I can even get eight hours of sleep.

I can't say I don't want to do this anymore, that would just follow a pattern of behavior that I've ever heard the word "responsibility." Even if I had a reason, would it even matter? In the end, isn't it just quitting? I guess I'm jumping ahead. Let me explain.

Luka and I broke up after a year's worth of being together. A whole year. Now... I know couples break up all the time, and that relationships, both short and long, fall apart like a house of cards. And I've never dealt with love very well. Richard and I have been divorced for three years now, and he still gets to me. I still lose sleep over wondering where it went wrong. You see, most people like to live in the present (or, at least, claim to). They're happy "going where the road takes them." Well, the road is leading me up shit creek without a paddle.

But Luka was different. Luka was this guy with extreme morals, he was a genuinely nice human being. He was honest, he was clean, he cared, and he trusted me. I always thought I felt the same way toward him. But my life started to pile more and more crap on me, and pretty soon it started to affect me... a lot worse than I had expected, actually. But at least I had Luka to go home to, you know? And Luka always made me feel better, whether I had an argument with Kerry, or an OB attending, or if something happened with Richard or my mother. He was always there.

Then the distance came. And once the distance comes, you can't get back what you had before. Days, weeks, and then a whole month passed before we connected... and then we never did again. It was just like that. The thing was, I saw it coming. We both did. Even now, as I sit here trying to explain it, I can't explain what really went wrong in our love. Perhaps it was just that love had faded and we couldn't seem to get it back. Then Luka wanted to spend more time at the hospital, getting his attending position renewed in full. He never stopped, though. He just kept strong at his job and never came back to me.

And then work... oh, my my my, where do I begin? I mean, should I sit here and pour misery upon you at this hour? This is my problem: someone always wants to know what's wrong. If I go into details, because that's the only way there can be any level of understanding achieved, then I'll either bore them with my monotonous complaining, or sadden myself by hearing it again. Now, if I say nothing's wrong, I usually get something to the effect of "Well, something's wrong. Why won't you tell me?" Or this weird little, "Okay..." To both of which I usually just snap, "Nothing's wrong," very quickly because I can no longer sit here and be rational with sympathy. If I wanted comfort, I would have it by now because I would have sought out one of my friends. But I don't, therefore it's a lose-lose situation.

So I'm back as a med student. Yes, this is one of my problems. Then there's always the issue of paying the bills, paying for medical school, and insisting to Carter that I don't need a loan. He's with this cute little blond, Anna, that came from Boston, or Philadelphia, or some town like that. Apparently she was here before, and she and Carter were sort of an "item." It's some long Italian name, like Del Monico or Del Annicuio or something... She's sweet and all, don't get me wrong. They're just "in love" and... well, I don't mean to sound bitter. But I guess I always thought Carter and I had this subconscious romance going on. As suppose it turns out, we didn't.

And who do I have to talk to now?... No one. Carter's with this Anna chick. Luka, who *actually* used the line "we'll still be close friends" barely comes close to me he feels very uncomfortable about being around someone he knows still loves him (and I do still love him). Kerry? No, how I talk to Kerry about anything? It's impossible. She just gives me the ultimatum, or, God forbid, another responsibility lecture on why I'm here to do my job, not do social activity.

here I am. I have no pride left, but I can't quit in case future endeavors come my way. I can't drastically change my personality level, that would be obvious and partially insulting to myself, and besides that I doubt anyone at that hospital really knows who I am anyway... what's a personality change going to do? I can change my attitude and perspective, but that's an over-time thing that will take months. So I'm left with... pretending. Again. The thing I hate most in the world, and it's the thing I've never been apart from in my entire life. I pretend to love, I pretend to hate, I pretend to cooperate, to understand, to care, to make small talk. I suppose these are my faults.