Everything Bleeds: Carter's Part (Love is Found)
By Lindy
I can't explain anything in words. I mean, you don't realize how metaphorical we all live until you've experienced the absolute worst of life and the absolute best of life. In many ways, I've experienced both. Being a doctor gives you an oppurtunity to witness the birth of many new lives into the world. The downside of that is that everyone dies, and being a trauma physician, you see many strange and terrifying ways to die.
And then again, I was almost there myself. I bled on the floor of an exam room for hours beside a beloved colleague of mine, who didn't make it through, only to come out with more emotional and mental scars than I had physical scars. I almost didn't get through it. I injected, I tried this guy on the Southside who makes this "herbal" joint... And I went to rehab for it all.
Well, I got back. I suppose I'm clean. I still ache, and I ached then, but life went on. I mean, I could either kill myself and end it, or keep waking up in the morning and at least participating in life. And there was no way I'd ever commit suicide, after all, I didn't have the guts to do it. I just had the guts to cowardly hide my pain behind medical implements that more or less did nothing except numb my senses.
You know what's even odder about numbing senses? I didn't only numb my circulatory system and my muscles, but I pretty much had numbed all feeling in me whatsoever. Any sentimentality, any emotions; they were nonexistant. The only thing I had was my sense of sight. Because eyes don't lie, you see what you see, and I believe that. Well... I mean, glasses and perscription lenses are one thing... but take Abby and Luka for example. They had it all. I mean, they were two people in love who fit perfectly into each other's arms. They must have known they were meant for each other... well, I suppose until the end. I saw that each and every day. Just the sight of two people so happy made me bitter, and even though I didn't realize it at the time, my bitterness was only getting worse the more I saw love around me.
And it wasn't just love, it was happiness in general. My attitude was simply this: what right did anyone who knew what happened to Lucy or myself have to go and be happy around the facts of it? How could anyone forget what happened? You didn't have to be stabbed in the back to know what pain felt like, or what hurt looked like. But people move on... and somewhere along the past year, so did I. And that wave of bitterness died inside of me, and I'm not sure why.
Then Anna came back. Oh, I don't know what happened. It was like watching a dream float along, and you knew what was going to happen at the end of it. But see, I was afraid it wouldn't. Because when Anna was here before, I was so sure we'd work things out and end up together in the end. But she left before I even had a chance to say goodbye. That didn't matter now, anything she or I had done in the past three miserable years was erased by her coming back. That was when the bitterness finally went away. I think Anna and I only stayed friends a day or two before I asked her out again.
Gosh, was she beautiful. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever met. She's the woman I love, and I want to be with her every moment of the day. Even when I'm in a trauma I think about her, I can't shut her out of my mind. Maybe it's just because we're starting a new love, and new love is exciting... but Anna coming back was so refreshing and needed. Anna made me realize how much I could love someone. I've loved her before, and that love was just sleeping, somewhere in our subconsciousness. I'll always treasure Abby as a friend... but that's it. Anna is the love I've been waiting for, the love I've saved and burned for my entire life. I can only hope that we don't get distanced ever. I refuse to let that happen, because this is my chance.
You can't block out memories. You can't change the past, and you can't hide feelings and pain with medication, tubs of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and solitary looks of bitterness. You can't throw away feelings on account of numbness, because you'll miss love if you spend time being bitter. Love flows more quickly than anger and hate, but everything bleeds. You just have to make sure it's love that's bleeding.
By Lindy
I can't explain anything in words. I mean, you don't realize how metaphorical we all live until you've experienced the absolute worst of life and the absolute best of life. In many ways, I've experienced both. Being a doctor gives you an oppurtunity to witness the birth of many new lives into the world. The downside of that is that everyone dies, and being a trauma physician, you see many strange and terrifying ways to die.
And then again, I was almost there myself. I bled on the floor of an exam room for hours beside a beloved colleague of mine, who didn't make it through, only to come out with more emotional and mental scars than I had physical scars. I almost didn't get through it. I injected, I tried this guy on the Southside who makes this "herbal" joint... And I went to rehab for it all.
Well, I got back. I suppose I'm clean. I still ache, and I ached then, but life went on. I mean, I could either kill myself and end it, or keep waking up in the morning and at least participating in life. And there was no way I'd ever commit suicide, after all, I didn't have the guts to do it. I just had the guts to cowardly hide my pain behind medical implements that more or less did nothing except numb my senses.
You know what's even odder about numbing senses? I didn't only numb my circulatory system and my muscles, but I pretty much had numbed all feeling in me whatsoever. Any sentimentality, any emotions; they were nonexistant. The only thing I had was my sense of sight. Because eyes don't lie, you see what you see, and I believe that. Well... I mean, glasses and perscription lenses are one thing... but take Abby and Luka for example. They had it all. I mean, they were two people in love who fit perfectly into each other's arms. They must have known they were meant for each other... well, I suppose until the end. I saw that each and every day. Just the sight of two people so happy made me bitter, and even though I didn't realize it at the time, my bitterness was only getting worse the more I saw love around me.
And it wasn't just love, it was happiness in general. My attitude was simply this: what right did anyone who knew what happened to Lucy or myself have to go and be happy around the facts of it? How could anyone forget what happened? You didn't have to be stabbed in the back to know what pain felt like, or what hurt looked like. But people move on... and somewhere along the past year, so did I. And that wave of bitterness died inside of me, and I'm not sure why.
Then Anna came back. Oh, I don't know what happened. It was like watching a dream float along, and you knew what was going to happen at the end of it. But see, I was afraid it wouldn't. Because when Anna was here before, I was so sure we'd work things out and end up together in the end. But she left before I even had a chance to say goodbye. That didn't matter now, anything she or I had done in the past three miserable years was erased by her coming back. That was when the bitterness finally went away. I think Anna and I only stayed friends a day or two before I asked her out again.
Gosh, was she beautiful. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever met. She's the woman I love, and I want to be with her every moment of the day. Even when I'm in a trauma I think about her, I can't shut her out of my mind. Maybe it's just because we're starting a new love, and new love is exciting... but Anna coming back was so refreshing and needed. Anna made me realize how much I could love someone. I've loved her before, and that love was just sleeping, somewhere in our subconsciousness. I'll always treasure Abby as a friend... but that's it. Anna is the love I've been waiting for, the love I've saved and burned for my entire life. I can only hope that we don't get distanced ever. I refuse to let that happen, because this is my chance.
You can't block out memories. You can't change the past, and you can't hide feelings and pain with medication, tubs of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and solitary looks of bitterness. You can't throw away feelings on account of numbness, because you'll miss love if you spend time being bitter. Love flows more quickly than anger and hate, but everything bleeds. You just have to make sure it's love that's bleeding.
