Chapter 4

Kate stopped at the top of the porch stairs, steeling herself for what was to come. As she stood staring down at the worn boards of the landing, voices began echoing in her ears. A conversation that had taken place years ago, but still remained a fresh wound on her heart. It played out, once again, before her sightless eyes. Unable to stop it, she was forced to relive it once again, feeling all the pain that her nine year old counterpart had felt. Her father's words cutting her to the quick.

"Do you love me Daddy?" her little girl's voice asked. She was standing in the doorway of her fathers office. She could still smell the rich aroma of her father's cigars; could feel the warmth of the fire that was burning in the fireplace. Her father's office had always been a place of awe to her. She had always seen him as being all-powerful in her life, but it was here that he seemed to rule the world also, at least in her young eyes.

Her father sighed, leaning back in his chair. He looked down at her, his eyes dark and peircing. She tried not to squirm, but she always felt that he was taking inventory of all her faults and transgressions. "Kate, I don't have time for this," he told her, his voice harsh and impatient. Picking up a paper from his desk he dismissed her. "Go up to bed."

Kate's small foot worried the edge of the carpet, her slippered foot slipping under it, kicking up the corner. "I was just wondering...." she began in a small voice. Her face felt hot, but it wasn't from the fire. Holding her hands behind her back she tried to look like a proper young lady despite her pink ruffled dressing gown. She wanted to go to her father and kiss him good night, as Julianna had done earlier, but she didn't know if it was allowed.

Kate jumped when her father slammed his hand on to the desk, rattling the ice in his glass and knocking over a picture of her mother. "I'm busy!" he told her harshly. "I have a lot of money riding on this contract and I don't have time to deal with foolish little girls who are always getting into trouble. Why can't you be more like Julianna?" he asked her. "For once I would like to have some peace in this house. I've had enough headaches from you today. Now go to bed!" His eyes bore into hers, causing her face to flush even further.

Trying to control the trembling of her lip, Kate turned to leave the room. "I'm sorry," she said meekly. She stopped momentarily to look back at him, his elbows resting on his desk, one hand rubbing his eyes. "I love you daddy."

He didn't even look at her, just waved her off as if she was a pesky animal. "Yes, yes. Now good night Kate."

She quickly scampered out of her father's office, recognizing the tone of his voice. He was not happy with her. Forcing herself to walk properly to her bed, Kate refused to cry until she was under her covers. And when she was done, she prayed that God help her to be a good girl so that one day her father would love her like he loved Julianna.

As she grew older she rationalized that his words that night, though inadvertantly scarring her deeply, were not meant to hurt her. It had been 1929, the stock market had crashed, and everyone had problems, even her daddy. He didn't really mean what he said. She let herself believe that, until one fateful night when she overheard her father talking about her with his business associates.

As if in a waking nightmare her nine year old self in a dressing gown transformed into a formally clad 16 year old, just returning from her first social dinner.

It had been a cold night, snow just beginning to fall as Thomas had dropped her off. He had kissed her goodnight on the cheek - no lady would offer more on the first outing. The night had been enjoyable, and she had managed to hold her tongue and behave properly. Add in the kiss and she was feeling quiet happy with herself. She heard voices in the dining room and she turned towards them, wanting to see her father and tell them of her success. She had even heard Mrs. Helmsford say that she was turning into a proper young lady. Her father would be happy about that - especially after the skating rink incident last week.

"She's quite intelligent," she heard a deep voice say. She thought it was Mr. Raddison, a friend of her fathers. She had always liked him. Pausing just outside the door, Kate waited for a break in the conversation. She didn't want to spoil her news by interrupting. "A real spitfire," he continued. "Not as pretty as Julianna, perhaps, but there's something to say for spirit."

Her father laughed. "No one is as pretty Julianna," he bragged. Kate imagined him puffing on his cigar as he leaned back in his chair. "Julianna is the perfect daughter....Kate? Well, she is quite clever.....and headstrong and stubborn. Fine qualities in a son, but a pain in the ass in a daughter."

All the men around the table chuckled heartily. Kate's cheeks flushed with embarrassment. She knew she wasn't as pretty as Julianna, but she had other qualities. She didn't think she was that bad of a daughter.

"My wife told me about the...incident.. at the skating rink," a chuckling voice that Kate did not recognize said.

Her father groaned in dismay, causing the others at the table to laugh even more. Kate cringed. She was nothing but a joke to these men.

"I'll tell you something," he father began. "That one slip of a girl has caused me more headaches than....her mother, her sister and.....all of you combined!" More laughter followed. "I'll never get her married off. Her husband will be afraid of her outsmarting him. Her mother is in a constant dither about her low prospects. I actually had to bribe Thomas McCafferty to take her to the Wellington's tonight." Kate's heart tightened painfully. "Now, Julianna," he paused appreciatively. "She's perfect marriage material....pretty, quiet, malleable, and dumb." More male laughter filled the room, but Kate wasn't listening anymore. She turned and walked up the stairs, mortified. In just a few minutes her euphoric mood had been destroyed by her father's cruel words. It was one thing for him to think those things about her, but to laugh about it with his friends.....

"Kate? Hey Kate," Danny said, wiping a lone tear from her cheek. "Are you okay?"

She tried to smile. "I'm fine," she told him. "Really," she reassured him as he looked down at her skeptically. "I just got caught up in some old memories."

He still looked worried, but didn't say anything. He knew how hard this was for her. Opening the door, he waited for her to enter. "Time to go in," he softly prodded.

"Yeah," Kate responded, stepping into the kitchen only to be brought up short by a hideously familar laugh. She stopped so quickly that Danny bumped into her.

"What is it?"

She turned to leave the room, but Danny was in her way, blocking the door with his tall body. "It's my sister!" she whispered frantically. "And if she's here, that means my mother is too!"

Danny looked a bit puzzled. "So?"

"So?!" Kate whispered frantically. "I was expecting my father! I don't want to have to deal with them too."

Grabbing her hands Danny tried to calm her down. "They're family. How bad can it be?"

Kate grimaced. "You don't know my mother."

With a sigh of resignation, Kate turned and walked into the kitchen, the sweet smell of the ham Evelyn had cooked earlier still in the air. She cringed inwardly at what her mother must be thinking. While Kate thought the old farmhouse was wonderful - full of life and love, her mother would only see it as old and rundown. The furniture had been passed down from Rafe's parents, but it wasn't anitique like her mother was used too. The welcoming touches of flowers and hand stitched pillows would look pathetic to her mother's more refined taste. Everything that made this farmhouse a home to Kate, her mother would hate. Kate only hoped that she could keep her disdain to herself and not insult Evelyn and Rafe.

"Kate, Darling!" her mother called out from where she was perched gingerly on the sofa. Getting up gracefully she swooped down upon her daughter who had paused in the doorway, ignoring Danny totally. "Oh, Kate! My poor little dear," she said sadly as she pressed her cheek against Kate's.

"Mother," Kate replied stiffly. "I wasn't expecting to see you."

"Oh, my dear," her mother said dramatically, taking her hand and leading her to the couch. Kate looked back at Danny helplessly, but he just shrugged, leaning causally against the door jamb. "When your father told me the news I simply had to come!" she said dramatically, her hand patting Kate's. "And to think we were too late! I don't know why he didn't tell me sooner," she sniffed delicately.

Bewildered, Kate looked at her mother. "It's okay Mother. It was a nice ceremony," she offered lamely. Looking over at Evelyn who was holding a sleeping Sam in her arms, Kate smiled apologetically. Poor Evelyn looked like she had been through the ringer dealing with her family.

"'Nice?!'" her mother asked. "Kate, dear," she said sadly, stroking her face. "I wanted to get here in time to stop you." Kate's eyes widened at her mother's explanation. "You didn't have to do this, sweetheart. I know I was a bit upset about Micheal, but I'm sure you had your reasons.."

"My reasons.." Kate repeated quietly, looking back and forth between her mother and her sister - who was staring at Danny with a appreciative gleam in her eyes.

"Yes, dear," her mother continued, her voice trilling. "I don't pretend to understand them, but we are your family. We want what is best for you and we certainly could do better than a...pilot and farmer..he does own some land, doesn't he? That's not so bad, but, Kate, you could do so much better. We couldn't expect you to marry someone of Micheal's social position now, but we could have arranged something. You didn't have to lower yourself to..."she looked around the room, her mouth pursing in disapproval, "this!" she exclaimed.

"Mother!" Kate exclaimed in embarrassment looking over at Evelyn who had stiffend in affront.

"I don't mean to be rude. This is a...lovely...house, I'm sure," her mother said to Evelyn before turning back to Kate. "but you were raised better than this, Kate. You don't need to settle for a life as a farmers wife just because of one....affair. We wouldn't have to tell anyone. I know you are probably attached to this pilot, but you can get over it. Come back to your family," her mother pleaded. "We love you."

Kate closed her eyes and counted slowly. Her mother had never really known her. She couldn't help it that she was so snobbish and self centered, but Kate wasn't fooled by this pretense of wanting the best for her. Her mother just didn't want others to know that her eldest daughter was married to someone so 'unworthy.'

"Where's daddy?" Kate finally asked, cringing as the word came out of her mouth. She sounded like a child.

Her mother waved a hand towards the door. "He's out taking a walk with that man.....Rafe," she told her, then leaning forward she whispered loudly; "Really dear, what kind of name is Rafe?"

Kate glared out her mother, but Sam's cries cut her off before she could say anything. Getting up from the couch she went over to Evelyn. "I'll take him, Ev. Thanks." As she bent to pick up Sam, she mouthed 'I'm sorry,' to her friend. Evelyn smiled and squeezed her hand.

"I'll just go find Rafe and your father," she said, vacating the rocking chair so that Kate could sit down. Turning to Julianna and Mrs. Williams, she nodded. "It was nice meeting you."

Mrs. Williams nodded regally in return. "I'm sure," she replied, watching Evelyn exit through the kitchen. Her eyes momentarily passed over Danny who moved so that Evelyn could pass, but she looked away quickly. Turning back to Kate she began to say something but only let out a gasp of shock. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed, watching Kate as she unbuttoned her blouse.

Kate rolled her eyes, taking in the twin looks of horror on her mother and Julianna's faces. "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm feeding Sam."

Her mother sputtered for a few seconds before recovering. "Do you have to do that?" she asked.

"Yes, mother, I do," Kate replied. "He's hungry. If it makes you uncomfortable..." she glanced over at Danny. "Could you hand me the blanket?" she asked. Danny nodded as he grabbed one of Sam's baby blankets and brought it over to her. Sitting down on the chair next to her, he faced her mother for the first time, a polite look on his face even though his insides were churning. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

"You could use a bottle," her mother told her.

"I could," Kate agreed. "But I'm not going to."

"When...when did this happen?" her mother asked, her hand pressed to her throat as if accosted by some fearful sight.

Kate looked coldly back at her mother. "Sam was born in March."

"I see," her mother said softly.

"You might as well give up now, Mama," Julianna finally said. "I told you this was a bad idea. She'll never want to marry Thomas, and he wouldn't want her if she has a baby."

Kate turned to look at her sister. "Concerned for my welfare, were you?"

Julianna shrugged delicately, looking down at her nails. "You always land on your feet. I wasn't too worried. And you know mama," she said to her mother, "he," she nodded toward's Danny, "is not penniless. He has her money now that they're married."

Danny stiffened, but Kate placed a consoling hand on his arm. "Yes, but he proposed before he knew about my money. How many men can you say that about?"

Julianna's eyes narrowed, but she remained silent.

"Girls, please," their mother interjected. "Don't fight. As it turns out, your father has picked out a very suitable husband for Julianna. They're to be wed next spring."

"Congratulations," Kate said to her sister. "I hope he picked better for you than he did for me."" Julianna started to protest but Kate interrupted her. "I'm being terribly rude." She turned to Danny. "Danny, this is my sister, Julianna and my mother, of course. Mother, Julianna, this is my husband - Danny Walker."

Mrs. Williams looked at him mildly before nodding. "Mr. Walker."

Danny nodded in return. "Ma'am."

Julianna in turn stuck her hand out enthusiastically. "Hello Danny," she said brightly. Kate grimaced. She knew what her sister was thinking. Danny was a very good looking man, and that meant that he was fair game to flirt with - even if he was married.

"Julianna," Danny replied solemnly. He turned to look over at Kate. "I'm really sorry about this," he said softly.

Kate smiled slightly. "Well, you should be," she told him. He grinned back at her.

"Yes, you should be!" Kate's mother interrupted, obviously listening to their quiet conversation. "Taking advantage of my daughter like that - after all she and her husband did for you! Saving your life and the lives of your friends. And how do you repay her? By attacking her husband and causing her to miss the evacuation of the embassy. And then you impregnate her and ....and...marry her!" she finished, as if that was the most horrible thing she could think of.

Both Kate and Danny stared at her dumbfounded for a moment. Finally, Kate shook her head in exasperation. "Mother, don't you ever listen? Don't you ever think for yourself?" she asked, as if speaking to a child. "Micheal was a monster - Daddy knows it, Mr. Helmsford knows it. And Danny didn't force me to do anything. I told you before - if it wasn't for Danny Grace and I would have died in China. He saved our lives, he kept us alive in the camp. He didn't force me to do anything. I wanted to marry him. I love him."

"Kate you're just a child, you....." her mother began in her best mothering voice.

"I'm 25 years old," Kate interrupted. "I've lived through more in the past 10 years than you have in your entire life. I've made my own decisions and I have my own opinions, and thank god they are nothing like yours! I'm going to live my life - with Danny and our children - the way that we want to. You no longer have anything to say about it. I don't want what you want and I never have! Why can't you understand that?"

"I only want what's best for you and I think that your decisions have been clouded by.....lust...and..."

"That's enough Jane!" an authorative voice barked out from the kitchen, causing everyone to jump.

"Hello daddy," Kate said quietly as she stared at her father.

"Kate," he answered, nodding slightly to Danny, a frown creasing his brow as he took in the occupants of the room.