Chapter 5

Kate was shocked at how much her father had changed in the year since she had last seen him. An imposing figure despite his short stature, now his shoulders hunched inward where he used to stand tall and proud. Impeccably dressed as always, his clothes seemed to hang on his frame, as if he had recently lost weight, and his slate gray hair was thinning, becoming almost wispy. But it was his eyes that surprised her most. They had faded, from a bright penatrating blue to a dull lifeless gray; wrinkles fanning out from the corners and down his cheeks. He looked.....old.

"I see your mother has been displaying her usual charm and candor," he said mockingly as everyone continued to stare at him.

Clearing her throat uncomfortably, Kate continued to look at her father. "Well, you know mama," she replied as normally as possible, despite the tightness of her chest.

Her father attempted a weak smile. "Yes I do," he agreed, "and I'm sorry," he said, including Rafe, Evelyn and Danny with a glance. "We do not mean to insult your hospitality, do we Jane?" he asked his wife with a hard stare.

His wife looked uncomfortably around the room. "Of course not," she agreed hesitantly. "I was just trying to talk some sense into.."

"That is enough," he interrupted. He turned towards Kate and Danny. "We came here today to....wish you well in your life together."

Kate simply stared up at him, wondering what had happened to the father she had known, because this man only bore a passing resemblance and didn't sound like him at all.

"Thank you," Danny replied finally when he realized that Kate wasn't going to. "We're glad you were able to make it."

Kate's father nodded briefly in response to Danny's small speach, but his eyes - with the same penetrating gaze - stayed locked onto Kate's, waiting for her to speak. Unfortuanatly she had no idea what to say.

Deciding that he was full, Sam tugged onto the floor while trying to sit up, providing a distraction for his mother. Embarrassed at being so exposed in front of her father, Kate struggled to cover herself. Danny took Sam as she quickly buttoned her blouse before reaching for the baby again, her cheeks red.

"I take it this our first grandson?" her father asked, his eyes now focusing on Sam as Kate burped him sitting up on her lap.

Kate nodded. "His name is Sam - Samuel Rafe," she told him.

Mr. Williams nodded solemnly. "After my father. He would have been liked that," he told Kate. "He's a fine looking boy - he has your eyes."

"I, uh, think so, though his coloring is more like Danny," she said awkwardly.

"I can see that," her father agreed. "He'll be a fine looking boy." It wasn't so much a prediction, but a decree. It was the way her father always spoke, as if his word was law. At least that much hadn't changed. "And how is Grace?" he asked politely.

"She's fine," Kate replied. Having never engaged in small talk with her father this whole conversation felt decidedly odd.

There was an awkward silence, but Kate's father soon broke it. "We," he nodded to wife and younger daughter, "came here to wish you well. I," he paused, looking directly at Kate, "I came here to make amends." He smiled sadly at the look of shock that crossed over Kate's face. "I have already apologized to your husband for my earlier decision regarding his leaving China, but now I would like a chance to apologize to you - for everything."

Kate inhaled deeply, surprised that her father would want to apologize to her. Never show weakness, wasn't that his moto? Admitting fault was totally uncharacteristic for him. She looked over at Danny, seeing the love and support in his eyes as he nodded faintly, encouraging her without words. "Okay," she finally whispered in reply, her eyes meeting her father's.

He cleared his throat gruffly, actually looking relieved. "Good," he looked about the room, at the audience of silent people. "Would you mind if we took a...walk. I'd like to talk to you alone." Kate looked over at Danny in a panic. "Danny is welcome to come too, if you wish," her father said quickly, "but I would prefer to speak to you in private."

Kate looked into Danny's eyes, trying to decide what to do. Her father's words had hurt her deeply in the past. Did she really want to subject herself to that again? Willingly? Yet, there was something different about him this time. Something that had nothing to do with his change of appearance. Danny smiled at her. "Okay," she said hesitantly as she handed Sam over to his father.

"I'll be right here," Danny said quietly. She nodded tightly as she stood up. Walking across the room she led her father through the kitchen and out onto the porch. It was strange, but the feeling of trepidation that she had been feeling ever since Danny had said that he had invited her father, left her. She felt nothing. Danny's loving smile still floated in front of her. No matter what happened with her father tonight, she would still have Danny. And that was all that mattered.



Kate and her father walked in silence, the chirpings of crickets the only sound, except for the their soft footsteps on the dirt path. It was dark, the sun setting long ago, but the moon was full, watching over them. Unconciously Kate led her father towards the old swimming hole she had visited earlier with Danny. She didn't mean to, but it seemed the best place to go. There she felt peaceful. There she could remember Danny's loving kiss as he held her in his arms.

"He's a good man, your Danny," her father said quietly. "A very good man."

Kate smiled softly. Her Danny. "Yes he is," she agreed. "I love him very much." She glanced over at her father, but couldn't make out his features. This time it was she that waited for him to speak.

"I did some research on him," he said gruffly, his eyes focused on the path in front of him.

"Before or after China?"

He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "After."

"Hmmmm," was all she said. She had figured as much, if he had known before Danny might have come home with her.

"Son of a alcoholic, who eventually committed suicide," her father began to recite as if Danny were some proposed investment or real estate purchase. "Moved in with his friends, the McCawley's at the age of 12. Valedictorian of his high school class. Exemplary military record: ranked second best pilot in his flight school behind his friend, first in academics. Very Impressive." He paused. "Did you know," he asked his daughter, "that he and Rafe were the only two pilots to get off the ground during the attack on Pearl Harbor? Shot down seven planes between them." He looked over at Kate, but she didn't comment. He continued. "Promoted to Captain at the age of 25 and hand picked by Colonel Doolittle for the raid on Tokyo - a suicide mission - where he sacraficed his life to save his friend. I talked to Rafe about what happened there. I know what Danny did, what you did....and what Micheal didn't."

Kate listened to her father's laundry list of Danny's accomplishments. None of it mattered to her. Yes, she was proud of Danny and what he had done, but that wasn't what she loved about him. She loved the way he made her feel, she loved the way he loved her and their children.

"Why are you telling me this?" she finally asked.

Her father sighed, his hand patting his pockets to locate one of his cigars. She recognized the gesture. He was rarely seen without a cigar in hand. He once claimed that the smoke helped him to think more clearly. Surprisingly, he didn't pull one out this time. "You've done well for yourself," he answered. "Better than I could have ever chosen. He's worth ten of any of the men your mother would have introduced you to. And..." he paused, his head tilted towards her in thought. "as a father, it's good to see that my daughter is well taken care of. Danny is a man of honor. He takes care of those he loves and he doesn't shirk his duties."

A small snort escaped Kate. "As opposed to Micheal," she asked harshly.

"Yes," her father agreed quietly, his voice low. "As opposed to Micheal."

Kate stopped and looked at her father. "Do you think any of that," she waved her hand in the air, "any of Danny's wonderful accomplishments mean anything to me? I'm proud of him, yes. But that's not why I married him. That's not why I love him. There is more to a person than what can be put on a piece of paper, daddy." She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him, prepared to be put in her place as usual.

"You're right," he agreed, shocking her. "I've put too much importance on what people are worth on paper - pedigrees, associates, family and social connections, business alliances. It took me all my life to realize that those things don't mean a thing. You've known it all along, haven't you? You always were a clever girl," he smiled at her.

Kate frowned. "Clever...headstrong and stubborn. That's me," she said coldly. "All good traits in a son, but a pain in the ass in a daughter." Her father looked at her blankly for a moment, then realization dawned. Before he could say anything Kate turned and continued up the path.

Her father caught up with her when she had reached the ledge overlooking the pond. She stood there, staring out over the darkened water, doing her best to ignore her father's presence.

"Kate," he said finally, "I'm sorry. I know I haven't been the best father. I've been too focused on building my business, too driven to get more and more money. It was wrong. And I'm sorry. That's the only thing I can say."

Kate shrugged. "Fine, you're sorry. Is that why you're here? To tell me you're sorry and have me forgive you for being a rotten father?" she asked cruelly, a small part of her triumphant to see him flinch at her words. "Fine, then. I forgive you."

"I didn't come up here to ask for your forgiveness, Kate," he said sadly. "I'm afraid I've done too much...hurt you too much...to ever expect forgiveness." He sighed. "You deserve an explanation, if nothing else."

"I don't need an explanation," she told him. "It's all in the past. I have Danny and Grace and Sam....that's my future. The past doesn't matter anymore."

"The past always matters, Kate," her father said. "In the end it always matters - until you deal with it. And I don't want you to learn that too late in life. I don't want you to have any...regrets...or misgivings....or fears."

He waited for her to say something, but she continued to stare off into the distance. "I want you to know that everything I did, I did because I loved you."

This gained her attention. With her mouth opened in shock, Kate turned to face her father. "Because you loved me?" she asked, her voice cracking with disbelief. "You practically blackmailed me into marrying a man I didn't love - who turned out to be a monster, - but at least he was a rich one with connections," she commented snidely. "And when you found out how bad he was you did nothing to help."

He had the grace to looked ashamed as he faced her diatribe. "I admit that my motives in you marrying Micheal were not altruistic. I was in a bad spot and needed some capital. It was Micheal's father who approached me first. I honestly thought that Micheal would be a good match for you." Kate snorted in response, her eyes rolling in disbelief. "You were so intelligent and headstrong," he told her. "Most of the young men in your mother's social circle weren't man enough to deal with you. You needed someone who was as strong-willed and intelligent as you were so that you wouldn't ride roughshod over him. I thought that Micheal fit the bill. He seemed....perfect."

Kate laughed humorlessly. "Oh, he was perfect all right. A perfect monster."

"I didn't know about his drinking or his...other interests..." he said delicately, "until after the wedding - you were already in China. When I confronted his father about it, Robert said that it was just a ....a... phase or something. He said that in China he'd be away from temptation and that with a strong girl like you at his side....."

Kate shook her head. "You have no idea what you are talking about," she told him scornfully. "You talk about Micheal and his 'interests' as if they were some minor character flaw. 'A change of scene and company will do you good, darling,'" she trilled falsely, imitating her mother. "You have no idea what it was really like." She looked away from him, feeling tears beginning to form.

"Tell me," he said quietly.

"No," Kate said. "You don't really want to know."

"Yes, I do. I let myself believe Robert's words, because I wanted to," he admitted. "I need to know Kate. I need to know how badly I betrayed you."

"No you don't," Kate countered. Her heart pounding in her chest. Rubbing her palms against her skirt, she tried to wipe the sudden perspiration off of them. Looking over briefly at her father she saw his expression - one she recognized from childhood. He was going to sit there and wait until she told him what he wanted to know. "Fine," she finally snapped. "I'll tell you." She knew her words were going to hurt her father and she almost relished the idea. He had put her in that situation, let him see what his selfishness gained her. "Where should I start? How about his drinking?" she began conversationally. "Always a charming social drinker, he was also a closet alcoholic. No one bothered to tell me. He drank more and more heavily the longer we were in China - and the more he drank, the more violent and...mocking he would become." She paused for breath, her heart pounding even faster. "Or should I tell you about the boy I found him in bed with two weeks after our arrival at the embassy - or the other men and boys that were paraded in front of me? That was the first time he hit me, by the way." She heard her father's sharp intake of breath and looked over at him, seeing his face pale in the moonlight. "Didn't know that did you?"

"No," he said quietly. "I didn't know he became violent...his father said he was a...a quiet drunk. I thought..."

Kate laughed harshly. "Oh, so if he was a quiet drunk that was okay, is that it?" She cut off any protest he might make. "Micheal was no more a quiet drunk than you are a penniless beggar. He just hid his problems well. That was the first black eye I ever recieved from him two - weeks after arriving in China. Not even married for two months. I guess you could say the honeymoon ended quickly," she laughed, though there was no humor in her voice. "The last time he hit me was just before he tried to strangle me. Danny pulled a knife on him then. But black eyes weren't the norm around our apartment," Kate said as if discusing the weather. "He rarely hit me in the face - it showed too easily; couldn't be covered up. But everyone knew...the looks of pity they used to give me. I sometimes thought I'd be better off dead." Her father let out a strangled gasp and Kate smiled.

"Did I mention the miscarriages?" she asked, changing the topic slightly. "I'm sure Micheal did. 'Poor Kate just produces dead babies...nothing to carry on the fine, upstanding Helmsford name.'" She snorted. "I lost three babies because of Micheal. The only reason Grace survived was because Micheal was out of the embassy for months on some kind of assignment. And when he came home he brought a servant boy - a boy he 'rescued' off some street somewhere," Kate's voice thickened, but she continued on, wanting her father to know the full horror of her life. "I knew why the boy was there, and I knew that the boy was unhappy, but.....he kept Micheal's attention away from me...."she wiped a stray tear from her cheek. "Shortly after Grace was born...he...hung himself," she paused, taking a deep breath to steady herself. "I knew what was going on, I could have stopped it. But I was so busy trying to survive day to day that....I did nothing. That is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life."

Her father reached out a trembling hand, almost touching her before pulling back. "You did what you had to do. You had Grace to think about," he tried to console her.

Kate nodded. "Yes, I had Grace. She was the only thing good that ever came out of that marriage. Her, and the fact that I was there when Danny crashed," she corrected herself. "Micheal didn't care a thing for her - his own daughter. It was like she didn't exist to him. She was a girl...not the son he wanted....needed...in order to gain access to my trust. Nothing mattered to him except money and booze and where he could find another lover." Tears streaming down her face now, Kate finally stopped. There wasn't any point in saying more.

They stood there for awhile before her father worked up the nerve to speak. "I had no idea it was...that bad," he began. "I began to realize how...depraved...he was after he came back from China. He told us you were dead. I believed him. I'm sorry for that," he sighed. "I'm sorry for everything. If I could go back in time I would change everything."

"Those are just words," Kate said softly, her emotions spent. "Words to make you feel better. They don't mean anything to me."

"If I could go back," he repeated, "I would change everything.....even if it cost me my business. Your life for my financial advancement was an unacceptable trade. I realize that now, though you're right, it does nothing for you."

"Yes, nothing," Kate agreed. In a way it had felt good to tell her father all that she had, to see the dawning horror on his face. But she felt no victory now. She felt no retribution in the fact that her father's shoulders were slumping even further, that his head was bowed with - what? Shame, remorse? Did it really matter?

"I'm dying Kate," her father said softly. Gasping she turned to him, her face losing all it's color. He smiled sadly. "Cancer," he explained. "I'm not telling you this to gain your sympathy. I'm telling you because....because it took death for me to realize what is important. I've looked over my life and not liked much that I have done - in the name of business and money. Greed. I ignored you and I used you, but I have always loved you. I need you to know that. And I am very, very proud of you." Kate's eyes began to fill with tears again. She had been longing to hear those words for so long, but she didn't know whether she could believe them or not. "You have fought back against every obstacle in your life and never lost your spirit. You've married a fine man, a strong partner, who will love you always. And you have two beautiful children, who I hope will inherit your spirit. You have accomplished and overcome a lot in your short life, and I am very proud of you." Reaching out slowly, he touched her cheek. "I love you," he said softly. "I love you very much. I wanted you to know that...before it was too late." With one last smile, a mere turning up of his lips, he turned and began walking back to the house.

Kate stood there for a moment stunned. Her father loved her. He was proud of her. She wanted to believe him so badly. He had used her and willfully ignored what was going on in her life for his own gains. Ignored her as a child. Treated her as a pawn. How could he love her? Kate wanted to hate him, she wanted to yell and scream and blame him for how horrible everything had been and how used and unloved she had felt, but she couldn't. It wasn't in her to hate. And she knew that if she hadn't have married Micheal, she never would have found Danny.

Turning she watched her father's hunched figure as he walked slowly away. She could feel something welling up inside of her, an energy that had to be released.

"Daddy," she called to him before he disappeared from her view. He stopped and turned. "I can't...forgive you - yet," she told him. "But...I do love you."

He was silent for a moment. "Thank you," he finally said, his voice hoarse with emotion. Nodding jerkily to her, he continued down the path. Kate watched him disappear, a feeling of lightness filling her. She didn't feel sad, and she didn't feel angry. Surprisingly, after all the emotions that had spun through her body recently, she felt very calm. Peacefull even.

She sat down on a fallen log near the path to wait.

Danny would be coming soon.