Chapter 8
They slept the rest of the night, wrapped in each others arms, the cool night breeze blowing softly over their exposed skin. In the early morning, as the sky turned from deepest blue to gray to pink Danny made love to Kate again; savoring the quiet, knowing that in the coming months they would not have a chance to enjoy another morning like this...leisurely in each others arms.
"Where do you see us 5 years from now," Danny asked as Kate lay snuggled against his side, her head resting on his chest, one leg nestled between his.
"Hmmmm?" Kate asked, her fingers skimming over his chest, enjoying the feel of him.
Danny captured her hand in his, holding it against him. "That tickles," he told her.
She grinned against him. "Sorry. What was it you wanted to know?"
"Where do you see us in five years," he repeated.
Kate thought about it. "Five years is a long time," she said slowly. "Grace will be....almost 9, Sam will be five," she shook her head. "I can barely imagine that."
"It seems hard to believe they'll be that old, that they won't be babies anymore," Danny agreed. "But where do you see us? What do you want?"
Kate looked up at him, studying his expression intently.
Danny smiled at her, gently pushing her head back down to rest on his chest. "It's not a trick question, I'm not worried about anything....I was just wondering how you envision our future. We waited so long to get to this point...finally married...and we've talked about me going to college. I wanted to know what you wanted. What you saw."
"Hmmm, let me gaze into my crystal ball....." she laughed as Danny squeezed her playfully. "Seriously, though," she continued. "I see us happily married, with 3 or 4 more kids," Danny started in surprise and Kate laughed again. "You promised me half a dozen kids, Walker, don't you go taking it back now!"
"I guess I did," Danny smiled, "but I thought we'd spread them out a bit," he teased her.
"I want a close family," Kate told him seriously. "I want them to be friends...to play together, to watch out for each other. I never had that, but I've seen it in other families...Like the Wilson's in China. I want a family like that; close, loving."
Danny kissed the top her head. "That sounds real nice. What else do you see in your crystal ball?"
Kate laughed. "I see us living in your old house," she told him. "We can fix it up over the next few years while your studying, add a few rooms, modernize it a bit. That way we'll be close to Evelyn and Rafe...our extended family. You'll teach during the year and help Rafe out in the summer and I'll.....I'll take care of the kids and the house and work in the garden and learn how to make jam and perserves..and...I...I want a cow. A cow named Daisy."
Danny laughed. "A cow?"
"Yes, a cow...with black spots."
"Named Daisy..."
Kate grinned. "Yes. And maybe a pig and some chickens..."
"Is that going to be enough for you?" Danny asked, "Staying home and watching the kids all the time. Taking care of the house and the...cow..." he grinned again.
Kate nodded, smiling. "Yes it's enough. It's more than enough. I want to raise my kids, watch them grow, be a part of their lives. I was raised by nannies and servants and I hated it. I want my own home and I want to raise my own family."
"If that makes you happy," Danny told her, hugging her tight. "It sounds wonderful to me. I don't really remember my mom, and my dad....didn't have much use for me. I want to be a father....like Rafe's dad. He always had time for us. He was great."
"You are a wonderful father, Danny," Kate said, looking up at him.
He grinned shyly at her. "Thanks." Leaning down he began to kiss her, but a small cry off in the distance broke through their peace.
"Sam," they both said at the same time, laughing. Their peaceful idle was officially interrupted.
Pressing a quick kiss to her lips Danny reached for his trousers. "Rafe's probably bringing him....I'll go head him off."
Kate blushed, realizing for the first time that Rafe and Evelyn knew that they had spent their wedding night outdoors. Not that it should have mattered, but it still embarrassed her. Danny laughed, seeing her blush. Grinning she threw a her blouse at him. "Wretch!"
Once his trousers where on, Danny left their small hideout, walking briskly to get his son. From the sounds of his crys he was not a happy little boy. He met up with Sam at the crest of the small hill between the swimming hole and copse, the farm house visible in the background. To his surprise it wasn't Rafe, but Evelyn who was carrying Sam. Danny's steps faltered momentarily at the sight of her, suddenly aware that he wasn't wearing a shirt. They stopped a few paces apart, Danny taking the crying baby.
"Hi," he said, suddenly feeling shy. "Thanks for bringing Sam out. Kate's still...uh...back...at the clearing."
"Oh, it was no problem," Evelyn answered, her eyes looking everywhere but at him, his partially undressed state making her uncomfortable. "Rafe was going to bring him out after he had a shower....to give you a little more...time...together, but Sam didn't want to wait..so I thought...." she shrugged, looking up at him for the first time.
"He was alright last night?" Danny asked, shifting the now quiet Sam to his right arm.
Evelyn let out a soft gasp, her eyes trained onto Danny's bare chest. "He...he was just...fine," she stuttered.
Seeing her stare, Danny looked down at his chest, knowing that she was staring at his scars for the first time.
"It's okay, Evelyn," Danny said softly.
Abruptly Evelyn looked away, her cheeks flushing, eyes filling with tears. "I...I'm...sorry. I didn't mean to...stare...like that," she explained, her eyes looking off into the distance. "It's just....I knew...that you had been...shot. Rafe and Kate both told me. But to see," she looked at him, a lone tear rolling down her face. "You must have been in great pain, Danny," she whispered. "I can't imagine...."
Danny moved towards her, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close, trying to offer her some comfort. "I don't really remember," he told her. "It's all hazy. I only really remember waking up and seeing Kate and Grace....the rest..." he shrugged, "it's only bits and pieces."
Evelyn pulled away from him, her fingers reaching out to tentatively touch his scars. She glanced up at him and he nodded. Lightly she touched them, feeling the hard rigdes of the pink skin. Feeling the warmth of his body, still alive. "Your back too?" she asked softly. Danny nodded, turning around. Once again, he felt Evelyn's gossamer touch on his skin. She rested her head against his back, a small sob escaping. "Oh, Danny," she said softly. "I'm so sorry."
"Hey," Danny said, turning to take her into his arms again, holding her close to him as he had done on many occasions in the past, her body fitting against his easily. "It's not your fault. There's nothing you could have done."
She leaned back, looking up into his eyes. "I could have told you," she whispered.
Danny stared at her for a moment, wondering if it really would have made a difference. If he had known that Evelyn was pregnant, would he have stayed behind? Would he have not volunteered to go to Tokyo? He didn't think so.
Leaning down, he looked into Evelyn's eyes, wanting her to see the truth in his. "It wouldn't have made a difference, Ev," he told her, reaching to wipe away a tear. "I would have gone anyways...even if I had known about....Danny." He smiled sadly down at her. "I couldn't let Rafe leave me behind again...it was my duty to go....even if I had known. And I still wouldn't....have let them shoot Rafe." He looked up at the sky, patting the impatient Sam on the back as he began to fidget, getting tired of waiting for his breakfast. "I don't regret it," Danny finally said, looking down at Evelyn again. "I can't. If I hadn't've gone...Rafe might be dead now....and Kate....she might still be trapped in China or....worse," he shook his head. "If it means taking a few bullets to keep them alive....then I would gladly do it all over again."
Evelyn looked at him hesitantly. "I guess..."
Danny leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. "There's nothing you could have done," he said again. "I'm just sorry that you had to go through.....everything..." he trailed off, not sure what exactly he wanted to say.
Evelyn nodded. Standing on tiptoes, she kissed his lips lightly. "I wouldn't change a thing," she told him softly. Danny smiled. "Now you better take that boy to his mama. I bet he's awfully hungry." Turning she began walking back to the house. "I'll see you both at breakfast," she called over her shoulder.
Shaking his head, Danny watched her walk away. He was lucky to have found two such wonderful, strong women in his life; one a very good friend, and the other his wife.
Evelyn walked into the kitchen, but instead of starting breakfast she stood in front of the sink staring out the window with blind eyes. The tears that she had managed to control in front of Danny were streaming down her face. She couldn't stop them. Despite his words, she couldn't help feeling respondsible for the pain that he must of gone through, both physically and emotionally. She knew that he didn't regret anything, that he held nothing against her, but it hurt her to know all that he had suffered. He was her friend, a former lover...the father of her child, they would always share a bond. Knowing that he hurt, hurt her.
"The kids are in the yard," Rafe said softly from behind her. "Are you okay?" he asked after a moment's pause.
Wiping away her tears, Evelyn turned to face him. "I guess," she shrugged, trying to smile. All she wanted was for Rafe to take her into his arms and hold her tight. She wanted to feel his reassuring presence, the beating of his heart against her cheek. But he made no move towards her, his eyes unreadable as he watched her. Instead she moved towards him, her arms wrapping around his waist, but still he didn't move. "What's wrong, Rafe?" she asked.
"You took Sam," he said, ignoring her question.
Evelyn nodded, stepping away from him. "Yes, he was getting fussy."
"I could have taken him."
"Well, yes," she said hesitantly, stepping away to try to see what was bothering him. "But you were in the shower. It was just as easy for me to take him. Babies get impatient when they're hungry - especially at that age...you know that."
"Do I?" Rafe asked, his eyes locking hers, almost accusingly.
"What's wrong Rafe?" she asked again, a hard edge to her voice. She was getting tired of his strong silent routine.
He nodded his chin towards the swimming hole. "I saw you...and Danny out there.....together," he told her. "I saw you...touch him...and hug him....and....kiss him."
Evelyn stared at him, amazed at what she was hearing...not so much his words, but the way he said them. "You're jealous," she said in wonder. There was no doubt in her mind that Rafe was the man for her, that he could doubt that really shocked her.
Rafe stiffened but said nothing, his eyes focused over her shoulder.
Moving to try and catch his eye, Evelyn looked at him closely. "That's it, isnt' it?" she asked. "That's what the problem is. You're jealous. Admit it, Rafe," she prodded him.
Finally he looked at her, his eyes filled with so many swirling, conflicting emotions that it stunned her. "Fine, I'll admit it," he snapped. "I'm jealous!"
"Why?" she asked softly, hoping that he would finally open up to her.
He ran a hand through his hair, a sure sign of his discomfort. "Why?!" he asked. "Why? How can you ask me why?" He turned to leave, but Evelyn put a hand on his arm, holding him back.
"Because I don't understand Rafe," she told him. "I don't understand. Are you jealous of me and Danny? Do you think that something is ...going on between us?" she asked. "Or is it just Danny? Is he the one you have the problem with?"
Rafe hung his head. "I know there's nothing going on between you and Danny," he said. "It's just that when I saw you two together...on the hill...I just.." he shrugged. "And then you're in here crying and I had to wonder why? Are you regretting marrying me? Is that it? Danny gave you a child and I can't.....Do you wish that...that...I had been the one to stay behind in China..?"
"Oh, god, Rafe," Evelyn said, pulling him into her arms. "No, no," she whispered. "I love you. I have always loved you and I don't want anything to happen to you - ever," she told him, her voice thick with tears. "I love Danny, too, but...not like I love you."
Rafe let out a breath, his arms finally wrapping around her. But still, her remained silent.
Taking him by the hand she led him to the table. "We have to talk." He didn't look at her, but he didn't get up either. This was progress, of a sort.
Once she had him sitting across from her, Evelyn wasn't sure of what to say. For years now she had wished for this to happen...for both of them to sit down and talk about Hawaii and what had happened. Until now, Rafe had never given her the slightest chance to speak her mind. She didn't want to blow it.
Reaching across the table she took his hand in hers, tracing her thumb across his knuckles. "As for what you saw this morning," she began, "I had no ulterior motives. I was simply bringing Sam to his mother. I didn't know who I would meet, but I figured that they would hear his cries before we got to close to interrupt anything. Danny was just as surprised to see me. If he had known it was me and not you, I'm sure he would have been wearing a shirt," she told him. "He has lived here for months now, and he always wears a shirt - even in the heat out in the fields. I never thought about it until I saw him without one today. He's not shy. You work all the time without one on, and Danny has never had a problem before, but then I saw his scars...and I knew that he was hiding them. Have you seen them, Rafe?" she asked, her voice breaking slightly.
He nodded. "Yeah, I've seen them," he said hoarsely, not really sure where Evelyn was going with this conversation. He didn't like thinking about Danny's scars. He'd only seen them once. Danny had thought that he was alone. The sight of the scars had almost made him physically sick, because he knew Danny had gotten them saving his life. Those bullets...those scars...had been meant for him, not Danny.
"Well, then you know how horrible they are," she said, her voice under fine control, but Rafe could hear the tension in it. "Not horrible as in ugly, but....I saw so many wounds while I was a nurse....he must have been in terrible pain....and to be somewhere where there are no doctors or morphine....I simply can't imagine the pain," she said, once again tears coming to her eyes. "I hadn't realized.....I didn't let myself think about what he went through." She looked up at Rafe, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "Its a miracle that he survived. All the complications that could have happened, that did happen....the poor nutrition in the camp....it's a miracle that he's alive and with us today." She took a deep breath, wiping away a lone tear. "Seeing those scars for the first time....it made me feel so...guilty...for what happened. I feel respondsible for hurting him."
Breaking his silence, Rafe put his hand over hers, offering her some comfort. "It wasn't your fault, Ev," Rafe said, reading her mind. "Even if you would have told him, he still would have gone. He still would have done what he did. That's just Danny."
Evelyn smiled a teary smile. "That's exactly what Danny said."
"Yeah, well...." Rafe cleared his throat. "We've talked about this...a little."
"You have?" Evelyn asked speculatively. "I'm glad. You need to talk to someone Rafe." Rafe just shrugged, so Evelyn continued. "That's not the only reason I feel guilty though," she told her husband. Her voice thickening with more tears. "I hurt Danny. I know I did. Just as I know that I hurt you," she squeezed his hand. "I didn't mean to. It was never my intention to hurt anyone." A small sob escaped her control, her tears beginning to fall again. "I thought you were dead...I felt dead. We had so little time together, a few wonderful kisses, letters of love....I had given you my heart...and then you died," she shook her head, unable to explain the agony, the emptiness that she had felt.
Rafe watched her, his heart swelling at her words; he could feel how much she loved him in the tight grip of her hand on his, he could see it in her tearful eyes. She really had loved him back then, she really had missed him..mourned him...after he had been shot down. He had never been totally sure of that until now, seeing the pain in her eyes as she spoke. A small part of him had always doubted her, no matter what had passed between them over the years.
Unaware of Rafe's epiphany, Evelyn continued. "And then along came Danny. He was sweet, and concerned, and friendly and....he had lost you too. We went out for coffee one night and it was the first time I had laughed...since you died. We talked about you and we laughed.....and for the first time I didn't feel alone. Can you understand that, Rafe?"
He did. For the first time he truly did understand how she and Danny might have been drawn to each other. Danny had been his friend for as long as he could remember. He, better than anyone else, knew how good a friend Danny Walker could be. He knew how compassionate and caring he was. How deep his feelings ran. Rafe had been totally devestated by Danny's death and he had turned to Evelyn to help him get through it. They didn't talk of it, but just the fact that she was there...had been enough for him. Was it so surprising that Evelyn and Danny had turned to each other? They were similar, giving people, who needed to share their grief, not keep it bottled up inside like he did.
Rafe had seen what a close friendship they had now, an openness that he belatedly realized was missing between him and Evelyn. He had mourned his friend, but he had never let Evelyn do the same. He had sometimes heard her crying at night, but he had never acknowledge those tears...tears that he knew were for her dead lover...and now he realized, her close friend. What kind of husband was he, he wondered.
Evelyn waited but Rafe didn't respond, he just sat there staring at their hands. "Neither of us....planned....for it to happen," she said softly. "...to sleep together and I felt so guilty the next day, because I knew that that night....I hadn't slept with Danny....I had made love to the ghost of you...the part of you that is in Danny."
Abruptly, Rafe stood up from the table and walked over to the counter, closing his eyes. Evelyn stayed at the table, tears still falling. He may understand, but he didn't want to hear about it. He gripped the countertop, his knuckles turning white, determined to stay and hear all that Evelyn had to say. She had been waiting too long to say this; she needed to say this and he needed to hear it, he knew, no matter how much it hurt.
"It was wrong and I knew it," she practically whispered. "...and I think Danny suspected it....but there he was the next day...asking for my friendship...and whatever else I could give him. He wasn't you, but he was a good man. He cared about me, he made me laugh....he made me want to live again." She sighed. "He made me strong. But he wasn't you."
"You chose him," Rafe finally said, his voice void of any emotion. "You chose, Danny." She had loved him, he knew. She had said it. She loved him, but yet she chose Danny. The fact still grated on his heart.
"Yes, I did," Evelyn admitted. "I was pregnant, I had used him, but I loved him, not like you, but I loved him. He was my friend. I owed him the chance to raise his own child....I didn't have any other choice. I didn't want to hurt him. Can you understand that? I didn't feel like I had a choice. He had been so good to me." She watched Rafe's back for some kind of response, but again, he said nothing.
Understanding didn't always help, Rafe realized. Sometimes you just have to accept it and move on.
"I sat just outside the command post during the raid," Evelyn told him. This time Rafe looked over at her in surprise. "I sat there and I listened and I waited and I prayed. But I still didn't know if either of you had survived until you stepped off that plane. And I saw you and I thought my heart was going to burst...I was so relieved...you were alive, that you came back to me." Wiping away more tears, she looked away, unable to face him. "I didn't even think of Danny," she whispered. "I should have...I had promised him that I would be waiting for him...I was pregnant with his child...but I didn't even think about him once I saw you. And when you told me....I felt terribly sad...but it was nothing compared to the emptiness that I had felt when he told me that you had been shot down." Evelyn was crying steadily now, her voice hoarse, her cheeks wet with the tears that would not stop. "I was...relieved..." she shrugged helpless trying to convey how she had felt, "that he had died....and not you," she looked pleadingly up at Rafe. "Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? I loved him, but....I wanted you back more than I wanted him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't love him enough."
Evelyn continued to cry softly. Rafe stood watching her, unable to move towards her. He had no idea that she had felt that way. "I didn't know..." he said softly.
"Of course you didn't know, Rafe," Evelyn said softly, looking up at him. "You didn't want to talk about it and it wasn't something I could just bring up in conversation. You were dealing with enough guilt, I didn't want to burden you with mine."
Rafe felt that statement like a shot through his heart. Wasn't that what marriage was about? Sharing burdens with one another? Giving and recieving support? It seemed that he had done a lot of recieving, but very little giving over the years. "And when he came back?" Rafe asked. "Why didn't you try to tell me then?"
Evelyn rolled her eyes at him. "Do you remember any of the last year since Kate showed up?" she asked. "If we mentioned Danny you would leave the room. You kept yourself so bottled up - I couldn't say anything. I love you Rafe," she told him seriously. "You are the only man I want to spend my life with, but you are not perfect. Danny and I have been through a lot together....and whatever our past....we are friends now. He and I have always been able to talk and we've talked about what happened, about how we felt and how we feel now. The past is not an issue for us, but you," she shook her head. "You aren't willing to talk about it. I'm sorry if we hurt you. I'm sorry if you are hurting now, but please just talk to me. Let me help."
Rafe came over to kneel in front of Evelyn, taking her hands into his, hating the fact that he had made her lay her heart wide open for his inspection and then forced her to beg him to do the same. "I'm so sorry," he told her. He reached up to wipe her tears away. "I guess I've been a poor excuse for a husband," he smiled at her lopsidedly. "I love you so much. So much. I look at you and...I'm home," he shrugged. "You are everything to me and I want to give you everything...and I can't." Evelyn frowned, but Rafe didn't let her speak. "I understand now, about you and Danny. He and I talked about it, and I thought I understood, but I didn't really." He stood up, then sat down and pulled Evelyn onto his lap. "You and Danny are a lot of alike," he told her. "Both strong, caring....and you tackle problems head on." He paused, trying to find a way to explain to Evelyn what he had realized.
"Danny didn't have a very good home life," he began. "I don't know if he told you, but his mom died when he was really young, and his dad used to...hit him...a lot." Rafe still felt a burst of rage run through him at the memory of Danny's father hurting him. "After the bastard shot himself, Danny didn't say much. He moved in with us and for a week or two, he just didn't talk. I thought it was a relief that his father was dead, you know? Good riddance. Then one night I woke up, and I heard crying...and I went downstairs to Danny's room. My mom was there, holding him as he....sobbed. I waited until my mom left and I asked her why he was crying and my mom said that he just needed someone to talk to, to let go of his grief. She said he wasn't like me, he couldn't keep it all inside, he had to share it to get over it. I thought that was a weakness, but....he was my friend." Rafe shook his head. "I didn't understand what she meant, but when she died...it was my father and Danny who cried at her funeral. They were the ones who looked through the family photos and....remembered. I couldn't. I would leave the room. And for years, I couldn't even think about my mother. I couldn't even look at her picture...but Danny had one of her. He kept it with him in a frame...along with a picture of us as kids. It sat next to his bunk. And I couldn't even look at it."
Rafe sighed, knowing that he was rambling, but Evelyn hadn't uttered a sound since he began to talk. "I guess I'm saying that you and Danny are alike, in that respect," he said. "You need to share your grief, you don't...hide it, you both work through it. It's not surprising that you .....found ...each other while I was...presumed dead. I get so wrapped up in what I'm feeling, that I don't think of others..of what they might be feeling and I'm sorry for that Ev," he told her. "I should have done better. I should have...supported you. I knew that you were missing Danny, that you had lost him too, but I was so jealous...even when he was dead. It's not right, I know, but I love you. I love you both. And I'm sorry."
Evelyn smiled up at Rafe, her face still damp with tears. "Thank you," she whispered. Rafe looked at her curiously, not understanding. "Thank you for talking to me," she explained. "And for listening," she added. "I know it wasn't easy for you."
"No," Rafe agreed. "It wasn't easy. But it was something I should have done long ago." He hugged her to him, one of his burdens seeming to have melted away.
They sat there comfortably for awhile, both lost in there own thoughts.
"Rafe," Evelyn said tentatively, knowing that she was about to tread on dangerous ground. "You said earlier that you wanted to give me everything, but that you couldn't...what did you mean by that?"
Rafe's heart skipped a beat. He was hoping that she hadn't picked up on that, or if she had, that she would leave it alone. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing would come out.
Evelyn sat up, looking into his pain filled eyes. "It's not just me and Danny, and our past that is bothering you, is it?" she asked softly.
Rafe shook his head. "No, it's not," he admitted.
"There's more to your....jealousy...of Danny," she stated, seeing the answer in his eyes. "You said that he gave me a child and you can't." Rafe flinched. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Rafe looked away. "Honestly? No, I don't," he told her, feeling the dejected slump of her shoulders when she thought that he was shutting her out again. "But I guess I need to."
Evelyn smiled. "Okay," she said, waiting for him to continue.
Rafe ran his hand over his face. "I don't know what to say...where to start," he told her, feeling terribly vulnerable. "Danny's my best friend, my brother. We've done everything together...but I've...I've always been the leader. More experienced, more...daring. Danny would always be right beside me, but I would be the one making things happen. And now," he paused, feeling foolish and petty, "things have changed. I've spent the past 3 and a half years in a fighter plane, while he spent those years surviving in China...and raising Grace. I get home and Little Danny doesn't even recognize me. Danny comes home and Grace and little Danny are all over him. And he's good. He's a great father. He reminds me of my father, actually. And I don't feel...like I can...compete..with him," Rafe admited, ashamed of his feelings.
"You're a great father," Evelyn said fervently. "Danny loves you, and Grace too. Danny may have had more time with Grace, but that doesn't matter. You are a great father. You shouldn't compare yourself to him."
"I know," he said. "And I know that little Danny loves me..and Grace too. It's just that sometimes I feel like I feel like I'm struggling and Danny is so natural."
"All parents feel that way," Evelyn reassured him. "You shouldn't feel jealous, there's no reason to be."
Rafe smiled wryly at her. "How can I not be jealous of a man who seems to be capable of impregnating every woman he comes in contact with?"
Evelyn's eyes widened in shock, "Oh...." was all she was able to say at first, surprised that he would come out and say it that way. "So that's what all this is about." Rafe nodded. It all made sense to Evelyn now. Rafe obviously felt that he was at fault for their inabilty to get pregnant, and Danny....Evelyn's ex lover and father of her child....had become his target. Danny had two children...three if you counted Grace, and Rafe had been unable to produce one. It was only natural that Rafe's feelings might turn into jealousy where Danny was concerned. As much as Rafe loved him, there were problems that hadn't been resolved between them.
"I love Danny with all my heart," Rafe told Evelyn. "I truly do. But I want to...give...you more children. I see you look at Sam, and I know that you want another baby. And I see Danny watching Kate....playing with Sam....I see the pride and love in his face....and I want that too. I want to hold a baby of our own in my arms. I missed Danny growing up, and....I want another chance."
Evelyn closed her eyes, a few tears slipping down her cheeks again in response to the anguish in her husband's voice. "Rafe...." she said softly, her heart breaking for him. "I don't know why...nothing has happened yet....It might not be your...problem...it could be mine. I don't know. It's too early to worry..."
"But you are worried, aren't you," he asked. "You're wondering what's wrong. You want another baby."
"Yes, I would like another baby," she told him. "And I have wondered...why...it hasn't happened yet, but Rafe, if it doesn't happen...if for some reason I can't get pregnant...it's okay."
Rafe snorted in disbelief. "How is it okay?"
"It's okay, because I will still have you," she told him, looking into his eyes. "I love you, Rafe. That's enough for me. I can have all kinds of wants unfulfilled...but as long as I have you....That's enough."
"Are you sure?" Rafe asked tentatively, afraid to believe. "I know you want another baby..."
"I would like another one, yes," she agreed, stroking his face. "But it's enough to just have you. You are everything to me," she said, repeating his words. "You are all I need."
They slept the rest of the night, wrapped in each others arms, the cool night breeze blowing softly over their exposed skin. In the early morning, as the sky turned from deepest blue to gray to pink Danny made love to Kate again; savoring the quiet, knowing that in the coming months they would not have a chance to enjoy another morning like this...leisurely in each others arms.
"Where do you see us 5 years from now," Danny asked as Kate lay snuggled against his side, her head resting on his chest, one leg nestled between his.
"Hmmmm?" Kate asked, her fingers skimming over his chest, enjoying the feel of him.
Danny captured her hand in his, holding it against him. "That tickles," he told her.
She grinned against him. "Sorry. What was it you wanted to know?"
"Where do you see us in five years," he repeated.
Kate thought about it. "Five years is a long time," she said slowly. "Grace will be....almost 9, Sam will be five," she shook her head. "I can barely imagine that."
"It seems hard to believe they'll be that old, that they won't be babies anymore," Danny agreed. "But where do you see us? What do you want?"
Kate looked up at him, studying his expression intently.
Danny smiled at her, gently pushing her head back down to rest on his chest. "It's not a trick question, I'm not worried about anything....I was just wondering how you envision our future. We waited so long to get to this point...finally married...and we've talked about me going to college. I wanted to know what you wanted. What you saw."
"Hmmm, let me gaze into my crystal ball....." she laughed as Danny squeezed her playfully. "Seriously, though," she continued. "I see us happily married, with 3 or 4 more kids," Danny started in surprise and Kate laughed again. "You promised me half a dozen kids, Walker, don't you go taking it back now!"
"I guess I did," Danny smiled, "but I thought we'd spread them out a bit," he teased her.
"I want a close family," Kate told him seriously. "I want them to be friends...to play together, to watch out for each other. I never had that, but I've seen it in other families...Like the Wilson's in China. I want a family like that; close, loving."
Danny kissed the top her head. "That sounds real nice. What else do you see in your crystal ball?"
Kate laughed. "I see us living in your old house," she told him. "We can fix it up over the next few years while your studying, add a few rooms, modernize it a bit. That way we'll be close to Evelyn and Rafe...our extended family. You'll teach during the year and help Rafe out in the summer and I'll.....I'll take care of the kids and the house and work in the garden and learn how to make jam and perserves..and...I...I want a cow. A cow named Daisy."
Danny laughed. "A cow?"
"Yes, a cow...with black spots."
"Named Daisy..."
Kate grinned. "Yes. And maybe a pig and some chickens..."
"Is that going to be enough for you?" Danny asked, "Staying home and watching the kids all the time. Taking care of the house and the...cow..." he grinned again.
Kate nodded, smiling. "Yes it's enough. It's more than enough. I want to raise my kids, watch them grow, be a part of their lives. I was raised by nannies and servants and I hated it. I want my own home and I want to raise my own family."
"If that makes you happy," Danny told her, hugging her tight. "It sounds wonderful to me. I don't really remember my mom, and my dad....didn't have much use for me. I want to be a father....like Rafe's dad. He always had time for us. He was great."
"You are a wonderful father, Danny," Kate said, looking up at him.
He grinned shyly at her. "Thanks." Leaning down he began to kiss her, but a small cry off in the distance broke through their peace.
"Sam," they both said at the same time, laughing. Their peaceful idle was officially interrupted.
Pressing a quick kiss to her lips Danny reached for his trousers. "Rafe's probably bringing him....I'll go head him off."
Kate blushed, realizing for the first time that Rafe and Evelyn knew that they had spent their wedding night outdoors. Not that it should have mattered, but it still embarrassed her. Danny laughed, seeing her blush. Grinning she threw a her blouse at him. "Wretch!"
Once his trousers where on, Danny left their small hideout, walking briskly to get his son. From the sounds of his crys he was not a happy little boy. He met up with Sam at the crest of the small hill between the swimming hole and copse, the farm house visible in the background. To his surprise it wasn't Rafe, but Evelyn who was carrying Sam. Danny's steps faltered momentarily at the sight of her, suddenly aware that he wasn't wearing a shirt. They stopped a few paces apart, Danny taking the crying baby.
"Hi," he said, suddenly feeling shy. "Thanks for bringing Sam out. Kate's still...uh...back...at the clearing."
"Oh, it was no problem," Evelyn answered, her eyes looking everywhere but at him, his partially undressed state making her uncomfortable. "Rafe was going to bring him out after he had a shower....to give you a little more...time...together, but Sam didn't want to wait..so I thought...." she shrugged, looking up at him for the first time.
"He was alright last night?" Danny asked, shifting the now quiet Sam to his right arm.
Evelyn let out a soft gasp, her eyes trained onto Danny's bare chest. "He...he was just...fine," she stuttered.
Seeing her stare, Danny looked down at his chest, knowing that she was staring at his scars for the first time.
"It's okay, Evelyn," Danny said softly.
Abruptly Evelyn looked away, her cheeks flushing, eyes filling with tears. "I...I'm...sorry. I didn't mean to...stare...like that," she explained, her eyes looking off into the distance. "It's just....I knew...that you had been...shot. Rafe and Kate both told me. But to see," she looked at him, a lone tear rolling down her face. "You must have been in great pain, Danny," she whispered. "I can't imagine...."
Danny moved towards her, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close, trying to offer her some comfort. "I don't really remember," he told her. "It's all hazy. I only really remember waking up and seeing Kate and Grace....the rest..." he shrugged, "it's only bits and pieces."
Evelyn pulled away from him, her fingers reaching out to tentatively touch his scars. She glanced up at him and he nodded. Lightly she touched them, feeling the hard rigdes of the pink skin. Feeling the warmth of his body, still alive. "Your back too?" she asked softly. Danny nodded, turning around. Once again, he felt Evelyn's gossamer touch on his skin. She rested her head against his back, a small sob escaping. "Oh, Danny," she said softly. "I'm so sorry."
"Hey," Danny said, turning to take her into his arms again, holding her close to him as he had done on many occasions in the past, her body fitting against his easily. "It's not your fault. There's nothing you could have done."
She leaned back, looking up into his eyes. "I could have told you," she whispered.
Danny stared at her for a moment, wondering if it really would have made a difference. If he had known that Evelyn was pregnant, would he have stayed behind? Would he have not volunteered to go to Tokyo? He didn't think so.
Leaning down, he looked into Evelyn's eyes, wanting her to see the truth in his. "It wouldn't have made a difference, Ev," he told her, reaching to wipe away a tear. "I would have gone anyways...even if I had known about....Danny." He smiled sadly down at her. "I couldn't let Rafe leave me behind again...it was my duty to go....even if I had known. And I still wouldn't....have let them shoot Rafe." He looked up at the sky, patting the impatient Sam on the back as he began to fidget, getting tired of waiting for his breakfast. "I don't regret it," Danny finally said, looking down at Evelyn again. "I can't. If I hadn't've gone...Rafe might be dead now....and Kate....she might still be trapped in China or....worse," he shook his head. "If it means taking a few bullets to keep them alive....then I would gladly do it all over again."
Evelyn looked at him hesitantly. "I guess..."
Danny leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. "There's nothing you could have done," he said again. "I'm just sorry that you had to go through.....everything..." he trailed off, not sure what exactly he wanted to say.
Evelyn nodded. Standing on tiptoes, she kissed his lips lightly. "I wouldn't change a thing," she told him softly. Danny smiled. "Now you better take that boy to his mama. I bet he's awfully hungry." Turning she began walking back to the house. "I'll see you both at breakfast," she called over her shoulder.
Shaking his head, Danny watched her walk away. He was lucky to have found two such wonderful, strong women in his life; one a very good friend, and the other his wife.
Evelyn walked into the kitchen, but instead of starting breakfast she stood in front of the sink staring out the window with blind eyes. The tears that she had managed to control in front of Danny were streaming down her face. She couldn't stop them. Despite his words, she couldn't help feeling respondsible for the pain that he must of gone through, both physically and emotionally. She knew that he didn't regret anything, that he held nothing against her, but it hurt her to know all that he had suffered. He was her friend, a former lover...the father of her child, they would always share a bond. Knowing that he hurt, hurt her.
"The kids are in the yard," Rafe said softly from behind her. "Are you okay?" he asked after a moment's pause.
Wiping away her tears, Evelyn turned to face him. "I guess," she shrugged, trying to smile. All she wanted was for Rafe to take her into his arms and hold her tight. She wanted to feel his reassuring presence, the beating of his heart against her cheek. But he made no move towards her, his eyes unreadable as he watched her. Instead she moved towards him, her arms wrapping around his waist, but still he didn't move. "What's wrong, Rafe?" she asked.
"You took Sam," he said, ignoring her question.
Evelyn nodded, stepping away from him. "Yes, he was getting fussy."
"I could have taken him."
"Well, yes," she said hesitantly, stepping away to try to see what was bothering him. "But you were in the shower. It was just as easy for me to take him. Babies get impatient when they're hungry - especially at that age...you know that."
"Do I?" Rafe asked, his eyes locking hers, almost accusingly.
"What's wrong Rafe?" she asked again, a hard edge to her voice. She was getting tired of his strong silent routine.
He nodded his chin towards the swimming hole. "I saw you...and Danny out there.....together," he told her. "I saw you...touch him...and hug him....and....kiss him."
Evelyn stared at him, amazed at what she was hearing...not so much his words, but the way he said them. "You're jealous," she said in wonder. There was no doubt in her mind that Rafe was the man for her, that he could doubt that really shocked her.
Rafe stiffened but said nothing, his eyes focused over her shoulder.
Moving to try and catch his eye, Evelyn looked at him closely. "That's it, isnt' it?" she asked. "That's what the problem is. You're jealous. Admit it, Rafe," she prodded him.
Finally he looked at her, his eyes filled with so many swirling, conflicting emotions that it stunned her. "Fine, I'll admit it," he snapped. "I'm jealous!"
"Why?" she asked softly, hoping that he would finally open up to her.
He ran a hand through his hair, a sure sign of his discomfort. "Why?!" he asked. "Why? How can you ask me why?" He turned to leave, but Evelyn put a hand on his arm, holding him back.
"Because I don't understand Rafe," she told him. "I don't understand. Are you jealous of me and Danny? Do you think that something is ...going on between us?" she asked. "Or is it just Danny? Is he the one you have the problem with?"
Rafe hung his head. "I know there's nothing going on between you and Danny," he said. "It's just that when I saw you two together...on the hill...I just.." he shrugged. "And then you're in here crying and I had to wonder why? Are you regretting marrying me? Is that it? Danny gave you a child and I can't.....Do you wish that...that...I had been the one to stay behind in China..?"
"Oh, god, Rafe," Evelyn said, pulling him into her arms. "No, no," she whispered. "I love you. I have always loved you and I don't want anything to happen to you - ever," she told him, her voice thick with tears. "I love Danny, too, but...not like I love you."
Rafe let out a breath, his arms finally wrapping around her. But still, her remained silent.
Taking him by the hand she led him to the table. "We have to talk." He didn't look at her, but he didn't get up either. This was progress, of a sort.
Once she had him sitting across from her, Evelyn wasn't sure of what to say. For years now she had wished for this to happen...for both of them to sit down and talk about Hawaii and what had happened. Until now, Rafe had never given her the slightest chance to speak her mind. She didn't want to blow it.
Reaching across the table she took his hand in hers, tracing her thumb across his knuckles. "As for what you saw this morning," she began, "I had no ulterior motives. I was simply bringing Sam to his mother. I didn't know who I would meet, but I figured that they would hear his cries before we got to close to interrupt anything. Danny was just as surprised to see me. If he had known it was me and not you, I'm sure he would have been wearing a shirt," she told him. "He has lived here for months now, and he always wears a shirt - even in the heat out in the fields. I never thought about it until I saw him without one today. He's not shy. You work all the time without one on, and Danny has never had a problem before, but then I saw his scars...and I knew that he was hiding them. Have you seen them, Rafe?" she asked, her voice breaking slightly.
He nodded. "Yeah, I've seen them," he said hoarsely, not really sure where Evelyn was going with this conversation. He didn't like thinking about Danny's scars. He'd only seen them once. Danny had thought that he was alone. The sight of the scars had almost made him physically sick, because he knew Danny had gotten them saving his life. Those bullets...those scars...had been meant for him, not Danny.
"Well, then you know how horrible they are," she said, her voice under fine control, but Rafe could hear the tension in it. "Not horrible as in ugly, but....I saw so many wounds while I was a nurse....he must have been in terrible pain....and to be somewhere where there are no doctors or morphine....I simply can't imagine the pain," she said, once again tears coming to her eyes. "I hadn't realized.....I didn't let myself think about what he went through." She looked up at Rafe, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "Its a miracle that he survived. All the complications that could have happened, that did happen....the poor nutrition in the camp....it's a miracle that he's alive and with us today." She took a deep breath, wiping away a lone tear. "Seeing those scars for the first time....it made me feel so...guilty...for what happened. I feel respondsible for hurting him."
Breaking his silence, Rafe put his hand over hers, offering her some comfort. "It wasn't your fault, Ev," Rafe said, reading her mind. "Even if you would have told him, he still would have gone. He still would have done what he did. That's just Danny."
Evelyn smiled a teary smile. "That's exactly what Danny said."
"Yeah, well...." Rafe cleared his throat. "We've talked about this...a little."
"You have?" Evelyn asked speculatively. "I'm glad. You need to talk to someone Rafe." Rafe just shrugged, so Evelyn continued. "That's not the only reason I feel guilty though," she told her husband. Her voice thickening with more tears. "I hurt Danny. I know I did. Just as I know that I hurt you," she squeezed his hand. "I didn't mean to. It was never my intention to hurt anyone." A small sob escaped her control, her tears beginning to fall again. "I thought you were dead...I felt dead. We had so little time together, a few wonderful kisses, letters of love....I had given you my heart...and then you died," she shook her head, unable to explain the agony, the emptiness that she had felt.
Rafe watched her, his heart swelling at her words; he could feel how much she loved him in the tight grip of her hand on his, he could see it in her tearful eyes. She really had loved him back then, she really had missed him..mourned him...after he had been shot down. He had never been totally sure of that until now, seeing the pain in her eyes as she spoke. A small part of him had always doubted her, no matter what had passed between them over the years.
Unaware of Rafe's epiphany, Evelyn continued. "And then along came Danny. He was sweet, and concerned, and friendly and....he had lost you too. We went out for coffee one night and it was the first time I had laughed...since you died. We talked about you and we laughed.....and for the first time I didn't feel alone. Can you understand that, Rafe?"
He did. For the first time he truly did understand how she and Danny might have been drawn to each other. Danny had been his friend for as long as he could remember. He, better than anyone else, knew how good a friend Danny Walker could be. He knew how compassionate and caring he was. How deep his feelings ran. Rafe had been totally devestated by Danny's death and he had turned to Evelyn to help him get through it. They didn't talk of it, but just the fact that she was there...had been enough for him. Was it so surprising that Evelyn and Danny had turned to each other? They were similar, giving people, who needed to share their grief, not keep it bottled up inside like he did.
Rafe had seen what a close friendship they had now, an openness that he belatedly realized was missing between him and Evelyn. He had mourned his friend, but he had never let Evelyn do the same. He had sometimes heard her crying at night, but he had never acknowledge those tears...tears that he knew were for her dead lover...and now he realized, her close friend. What kind of husband was he, he wondered.
Evelyn waited but Rafe didn't respond, he just sat there staring at their hands. "Neither of us....planned....for it to happen," she said softly. "...to sleep together and I felt so guilty the next day, because I knew that that night....I hadn't slept with Danny....I had made love to the ghost of you...the part of you that is in Danny."
Abruptly, Rafe stood up from the table and walked over to the counter, closing his eyes. Evelyn stayed at the table, tears still falling. He may understand, but he didn't want to hear about it. He gripped the countertop, his knuckles turning white, determined to stay and hear all that Evelyn had to say. She had been waiting too long to say this; she needed to say this and he needed to hear it, he knew, no matter how much it hurt.
"It was wrong and I knew it," she practically whispered. "...and I think Danny suspected it....but there he was the next day...asking for my friendship...and whatever else I could give him. He wasn't you, but he was a good man. He cared about me, he made me laugh....he made me want to live again." She sighed. "He made me strong. But he wasn't you."
"You chose him," Rafe finally said, his voice void of any emotion. "You chose, Danny." She had loved him, he knew. She had said it. She loved him, but yet she chose Danny. The fact still grated on his heart.
"Yes, I did," Evelyn admitted. "I was pregnant, I had used him, but I loved him, not like you, but I loved him. He was my friend. I owed him the chance to raise his own child....I didn't have any other choice. I didn't want to hurt him. Can you understand that? I didn't feel like I had a choice. He had been so good to me." She watched Rafe's back for some kind of response, but again, he said nothing.
Understanding didn't always help, Rafe realized. Sometimes you just have to accept it and move on.
"I sat just outside the command post during the raid," Evelyn told him. This time Rafe looked over at her in surprise. "I sat there and I listened and I waited and I prayed. But I still didn't know if either of you had survived until you stepped off that plane. And I saw you and I thought my heart was going to burst...I was so relieved...you were alive, that you came back to me." Wiping away more tears, she looked away, unable to face him. "I didn't even think of Danny," she whispered. "I should have...I had promised him that I would be waiting for him...I was pregnant with his child...but I didn't even think about him once I saw you. And when you told me....I felt terribly sad...but it was nothing compared to the emptiness that I had felt when he told me that you had been shot down." Evelyn was crying steadily now, her voice hoarse, her cheeks wet with the tears that would not stop. "I was...relieved..." she shrugged helpless trying to convey how she had felt, "that he had died....and not you," she looked pleadingly up at Rafe. "Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? I loved him, but....I wanted you back more than I wanted him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't love him enough."
Evelyn continued to cry softly. Rafe stood watching her, unable to move towards her. He had no idea that she had felt that way. "I didn't know..." he said softly.
"Of course you didn't know, Rafe," Evelyn said softly, looking up at him. "You didn't want to talk about it and it wasn't something I could just bring up in conversation. You were dealing with enough guilt, I didn't want to burden you with mine."
Rafe felt that statement like a shot through his heart. Wasn't that what marriage was about? Sharing burdens with one another? Giving and recieving support? It seemed that he had done a lot of recieving, but very little giving over the years. "And when he came back?" Rafe asked. "Why didn't you try to tell me then?"
Evelyn rolled her eyes at him. "Do you remember any of the last year since Kate showed up?" she asked. "If we mentioned Danny you would leave the room. You kept yourself so bottled up - I couldn't say anything. I love you Rafe," she told him seriously. "You are the only man I want to spend my life with, but you are not perfect. Danny and I have been through a lot together....and whatever our past....we are friends now. He and I have always been able to talk and we've talked about what happened, about how we felt and how we feel now. The past is not an issue for us, but you," she shook her head. "You aren't willing to talk about it. I'm sorry if we hurt you. I'm sorry if you are hurting now, but please just talk to me. Let me help."
Rafe came over to kneel in front of Evelyn, taking her hands into his, hating the fact that he had made her lay her heart wide open for his inspection and then forced her to beg him to do the same. "I'm so sorry," he told her. He reached up to wipe her tears away. "I guess I've been a poor excuse for a husband," he smiled at her lopsidedly. "I love you so much. So much. I look at you and...I'm home," he shrugged. "You are everything to me and I want to give you everything...and I can't." Evelyn frowned, but Rafe didn't let her speak. "I understand now, about you and Danny. He and I talked about it, and I thought I understood, but I didn't really." He stood up, then sat down and pulled Evelyn onto his lap. "You and Danny are a lot of alike," he told her. "Both strong, caring....and you tackle problems head on." He paused, trying to find a way to explain to Evelyn what he had realized.
"Danny didn't have a very good home life," he began. "I don't know if he told you, but his mom died when he was really young, and his dad used to...hit him...a lot." Rafe still felt a burst of rage run through him at the memory of Danny's father hurting him. "After the bastard shot himself, Danny didn't say much. He moved in with us and for a week or two, he just didn't talk. I thought it was a relief that his father was dead, you know? Good riddance. Then one night I woke up, and I heard crying...and I went downstairs to Danny's room. My mom was there, holding him as he....sobbed. I waited until my mom left and I asked her why he was crying and my mom said that he just needed someone to talk to, to let go of his grief. She said he wasn't like me, he couldn't keep it all inside, he had to share it to get over it. I thought that was a weakness, but....he was my friend." Rafe shook his head. "I didn't understand what she meant, but when she died...it was my father and Danny who cried at her funeral. They were the ones who looked through the family photos and....remembered. I couldn't. I would leave the room. And for years, I couldn't even think about my mother. I couldn't even look at her picture...but Danny had one of her. He kept it with him in a frame...along with a picture of us as kids. It sat next to his bunk. And I couldn't even look at it."
Rafe sighed, knowing that he was rambling, but Evelyn hadn't uttered a sound since he began to talk. "I guess I'm saying that you and Danny are alike, in that respect," he said. "You need to share your grief, you don't...hide it, you both work through it. It's not surprising that you .....found ...each other while I was...presumed dead. I get so wrapped up in what I'm feeling, that I don't think of others..of what they might be feeling and I'm sorry for that Ev," he told her. "I should have done better. I should have...supported you. I knew that you were missing Danny, that you had lost him too, but I was so jealous...even when he was dead. It's not right, I know, but I love you. I love you both. And I'm sorry."
Evelyn smiled up at Rafe, her face still damp with tears. "Thank you," she whispered. Rafe looked at her curiously, not understanding. "Thank you for talking to me," she explained. "And for listening," she added. "I know it wasn't easy for you."
"No," Rafe agreed. "It wasn't easy. But it was something I should have done long ago." He hugged her to him, one of his burdens seeming to have melted away.
They sat there comfortably for awhile, both lost in there own thoughts.
"Rafe," Evelyn said tentatively, knowing that she was about to tread on dangerous ground. "You said earlier that you wanted to give me everything, but that you couldn't...what did you mean by that?"
Rafe's heart skipped a beat. He was hoping that she hadn't picked up on that, or if she had, that she would leave it alone. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing would come out.
Evelyn sat up, looking into his pain filled eyes. "It's not just me and Danny, and our past that is bothering you, is it?" she asked softly.
Rafe shook his head. "No, it's not," he admitted.
"There's more to your....jealousy...of Danny," she stated, seeing the answer in his eyes. "You said that he gave me a child and you can't." Rafe flinched. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Rafe looked away. "Honestly? No, I don't," he told her, feeling the dejected slump of her shoulders when she thought that he was shutting her out again. "But I guess I need to."
Evelyn smiled. "Okay," she said, waiting for him to continue.
Rafe ran his hand over his face. "I don't know what to say...where to start," he told her, feeling terribly vulnerable. "Danny's my best friend, my brother. We've done everything together...but I've...I've always been the leader. More experienced, more...daring. Danny would always be right beside me, but I would be the one making things happen. And now," he paused, feeling foolish and petty, "things have changed. I've spent the past 3 and a half years in a fighter plane, while he spent those years surviving in China...and raising Grace. I get home and Little Danny doesn't even recognize me. Danny comes home and Grace and little Danny are all over him. And he's good. He's a great father. He reminds me of my father, actually. And I don't feel...like I can...compete..with him," Rafe admited, ashamed of his feelings.
"You're a great father," Evelyn said fervently. "Danny loves you, and Grace too. Danny may have had more time with Grace, but that doesn't matter. You are a great father. You shouldn't compare yourself to him."
"I know," he said. "And I know that little Danny loves me..and Grace too. It's just that sometimes I feel like I feel like I'm struggling and Danny is so natural."
"All parents feel that way," Evelyn reassured him. "You shouldn't feel jealous, there's no reason to be."
Rafe smiled wryly at her. "How can I not be jealous of a man who seems to be capable of impregnating every woman he comes in contact with?"
Evelyn's eyes widened in shock, "Oh...." was all she was able to say at first, surprised that he would come out and say it that way. "So that's what all this is about." Rafe nodded. It all made sense to Evelyn now. Rafe obviously felt that he was at fault for their inabilty to get pregnant, and Danny....Evelyn's ex lover and father of her child....had become his target. Danny had two children...three if you counted Grace, and Rafe had been unable to produce one. It was only natural that Rafe's feelings might turn into jealousy where Danny was concerned. As much as Rafe loved him, there were problems that hadn't been resolved between them.
"I love Danny with all my heart," Rafe told Evelyn. "I truly do. But I want to...give...you more children. I see you look at Sam, and I know that you want another baby. And I see Danny watching Kate....playing with Sam....I see the pride and love in his face....and I want that too. I want to hold a baby of our own in my arms. I missed Danny growing up, and....I want another chance."
Evelyn closed her eyes, a few tears slipping down her cheeks again in response to the anguish in her husband's voice. "Rafe...." she said softly, her heart breaking for him. "I don't know why...nothing has happened yet....It might not be your...problem...it could be mine. I don't know. It's too early to worry..."
"But you are worried, aren't you," he asked. "You're wondering what's wrong. You want another baby."
"Yes, I would like another baby," she told him. "And I have wondered...why...it hasn't happened yet, but Rafe, if it doesn't happen...if for some reason I can't get pregnant...it's okay."
Rafe snorted in disbelief. "How is it okay?"
"It's okay, because I will still have you," she told him, looking into his eyes. "I love you, Rafe. That's enough for me. I can have all kinds of wants unfulfilled...but as long as I have you....That's enough."
"Are you sure?" Rafe asked tentatively, afraid to believe. "I know you want another baby..."
"I would like another one, yes," she agreed, stroking his face. "But it's enough to just have you. You are everything to me," she said, repeating his words. "You are all I need."
