* * *

Mother's Day

By David Harper

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction

Part One


* * *

Another beautiful day dawned over Nerima as the city made ready for
work (1). Birds sang as they flew through the air, heralding the
new day. A swallow landed on the school tower next to the clock.
It read 8:24 a.m.

Ranma: [walking to school with Akane] Aw man, why did SHE have to
show up!

Akane: [curious] What's wrong, Ranma? I thought you liked your
mom!

Ranma: I *do*...but when she's here, I haveta be a girl all the
time!

Akane: [nicely] Well, don't worry about it! We changed you back
when we got to Dr. Tofu's! Besides, how bad could it be?

Ranma: [oblivious to who he's speaking to] Man...you can't
imagine!

Akane: [ever-so-slowly getting angry] Are you saying there's
something wrong with being a girl?

Ranma: It's so embarrassing to be seen like this! Besides, girls
are so weak! [realizing he's talking to Akane] Uh, except
*you*, Akane! You're not really a girl--ah, I mean--

Akane: [reaching critical mass] I *KNOW* what you mean, Ranma!
WHAM

Akane dusted off her hands as Ranma flew over the fence into a pool
of water. Ranko emerged soaking wet.

Akane: AND STAY THAT WAY!

Ranma-chan: ...What's with her?


(1) This is actually a surprising and gratifyingly long time.
Japanese meteorologists have noticed that the average daily
rainfall in Nerima is ten times greater than anywhere else in the
world, Amazon rainforest included. That means that it rains about
once a day, on average. Perhaps mother nature realized showering
Ranma with cold water from the heavens wasn't any fun with his
mother there.

* * *

A huge, looming desert sun burned down steadily on the few souls
brave or foolhardy enough to chance sunstroke. One of the
aforementioned brave souls was taking care of the meagre flock of
goats that he owned while studying the winds in the distance. He
was startled by a lone figure who stumbled up to him, half-dead.
The boy fell at his feet.

Man: Allah preserve us!

Ryoga: Where...is...the...Tendo...Dojo?

Man: Oh, a Japanese? We see some of them around these parts.
Although most aren't usually wandering alone in the desert.

Ryoga: You mean I'm not in Tokyo?

Man: [staring disbelievingly at Ryoga] This is Saudi Arabia!

Ryoga: Oh. Can you point the way back to Japan?

Man: Point? You go east!

Ryoga: Thank you. [he starts walking again]

Man: But pointing won't help you...you can't just walk thousands
of miles...hey! [realizing that Ryoga is already far away]
Hey! You're walking north!

* * *

Back in the Tendo dojo, Mr. Tendo and Mrs. Saotome were sitting at
the table over tea. Mr. Tendo looked distinctly nervous. So did
Mr. Saotome, who was trying very hard to look like an ordinary
panda.

Nodoka: Really, Soun? They just left on a training mission hours
before I arrived? That's terrible! Didn't they get my
letter? I sent it a week ago...

Soun: [sweating] Uh, well, you know Japan Post...

Nodoka: [nodding] Oh, that's right. Next time I'll use a
courier. Maybe the "Hibiki Delivery Company" I keep hearing
so much about (1). [smiling sadly] Oh, well. What's done is
done. Do you know when they'll return?

Soun: [really sweating] Uh...why...they...ah...

Mr. Tendo looked around for an escape. It was a dull, ordinary
Thursday. Nothing stirred.

Soun: [defeated] They didn't say.

Nodoka looked up from her cup of tea.

Nodoka: Really? Isn't that a bit odd?

Soun: Um...well...

Mr. Tendo searched desperately for inspiration. Suddenly, he found
it.

Soun: Well you see, Mrs. Saotome, your husband and son had to
leave suddenly during the night because of a terrible
emergency that required their attention.

Nodoka: [shocked] Oh my! Are you serious?

Mr. Tendo: [looking deadly serious] Quite serious, I assure you.
A terrible stain of evil is darkening our fair city, and only
a few rugged individuals can stand up to it. Yes, Mrs.
Saotome, your husband and Ranma are secretly fighting evil as
the Knight Sab--[choking] Saotome! I'm not going to say
that!

Behind Nodoka, Genma quickly hid the remaining cue cards he had
been coaching Soun with and pretended to be a cute l'il panda
again. Mrs. Saotome looked startled.

Nodoka: What did you say, Tendo-kun?

Soun: Oh! Just a joke, Mrs. Saotome, really! AHAHA!

Mr. Tendo's laughter sounded strangely forced.

Nodoka: I see.

Mr. Tendo stopped laughing suddenly, which was far more suspicious
than the laugh had in the first place.

Soun: I'm sorry to say that Genma and Ranma left on a training
mission and won't be back for...

Voice-over of Dr. Tofu: A sprained ankle is nothing, really. You
just have to keep her off her feet for about two weeks and
she'll be fine!

Soun: ...two-and-a-half weeks.

Nodoka: Oh, that's too bad...[smiling sweetly] You will tell them
I showed up, won't you?

Soun: [grinning like someone just let off death row] Oh, yes,
yes! Anything!

Nodoka: Thank you, Tendo-kun. I knew I could count on you.

Mrs. Saotome smiled and left the room.

Soun: [wiping sweat off his brow] That was close.

Panda: [sign] "If you'd just kept to the script..."

Soun: [irritated] Where did you get that nonsense from? Nobody
would believe a contrived story like that!

Panda: ...


(1) "When you absolutely, positively, have to have it there by the
year 2050."

* * *

Meanwhile, a duck with no glasses set foot on dry land again after
many, many hours of nonstop flight. Gasping for air, it feebly
looked around it, seeing nothing but blurs where shapes should be.
If it could see, it would have seen a sign saying: "Help keep
Ontario beautiful."

MuuMuu-chan: Quack! [translation: "Damn you, Ranma Saotome! I
will never forget the horrors you have unleashed upon me this
day! I will hunt you to the ends of the earth!"]

A little girl walked over to the duck. She didn't look Japanese.

Dolina: Oh! It's a cute little duck! What's wrong, Mr. Duck?
Are you lost?

MuuMuu-chan: Quack! Quack, quack quack quackety-quack quackquack!

[translation: "Yes."]

Dolina: I guess I'll have to take you home with me then! [picking
up the duck. It is too tired to resist] You'll like it
there. It's much bigger than our last home. But I don't have
any friends here yet. Will you be my friend, Mr. Duck?

The duck didn't respond. It looked half dead, for some reason (1).

The girl started guiltily.

Dolina: Oh! But I'll have to ask mommy first! Mommy! Mommy!
Look! It followed me home! Can I keep it?

The girl ran into the house with the duck. From inside voices were
raised.

Father: Dolina! Take that dirty thing outside this instant!

Mother: [to her husband] Wait a second, Dave...

Father: What? Why?

Mother: I haven't made dinner yet. Did I ever make roast duck for
you? My mother always used to make it back in the Ukraine...

MuuMuu-chan: QQUUAACCKK!! [translation: "HEEEELLLLP!!")


(1) Possibly because it had just flown halfway around the world in
less than 24 hours? Just a guess here, people.

* * *

4:29 p.m. Akane and Ranko were coming home from school unusually
late. As they walked back, a van passed them marked "Nerima
Plumbing." (1)

Ranma-chan: Hmph. Who would have thought the city would chose
*today* to turn off all the water in the block!

Akane: Well, you know Ranma, the school *did* give us three days
notice. You'd think you would have brought a thermos with you
or something!

Ranma-chan: [still irritated] So I forgot. Big deal. Besides,
around here water's so common it's practically like...like...

Ranko searched for a simile, but floundered as her mind realized
she'd been sleeping in class the day they explained the concept.
She gave up.

Ranma-chan: ...Like something!

Akane: [snickering] Well, look at the bright side, Ranma!

Ranko looked up at Akane strangely.

Ranma-chan: What are you talking about, Akane?

Akane: [barely holding in laughter] Well, at least now we know
that orange juice doesn't work! [exploding with laughter]
Hahaha!

Ranma-chan: Aw, shut up! I ruined a good shirt, and now I owe
Nabiki too!

Akane: [wiping a tear from her eye] Yeah, and then after you
finally got some cold water, Kuno offered to wash your shirt
for you !

Ranma-chan: [angry] Well how was I supposed to know he meant
right then and there?

Akane: You should have seen your face when he tried to take it off
you!

Akane howled with laugher. Ranko was uncharacteristically silent.

Akane: Still, I bet those bruises you gave him won't fade for a
week...[noticing something] Hey, Ranma, what's wrong?

Ranma-chan: Huh?

Akane: Ohhh...don't tell me you're *still* angry about today?
Come on Ranma, grow up--these things happen!

Ranma-chan: [depressed] Yeah, well...

Akane: Yeah, well WHAT, Ranma?

Ranma-chan: It's nothing.

Akane: Give me a break! You're dragging your feet and sulking
like a baby!

Ranma-chan: WHAT? I am *NOT*!

Akane: Are too! [sticking her tongue out] Beee!

Akane ran off with Ranko in hot pursuit. Chase turned into race as
both tried to get home before the other. As the dojo came into
view Ranko saw Nodoka sweeping outside the dojo. Ranko slowed to
a walk and let Akane reach the dojo first. She continued forward
at a walk.

Ranma-chan: [to herself] Mom...

Ranko saw Mrs. Saotome greeting an out of breath Akane. Ranko's
head drooped a little as she walked.

Ranma-chan: And I can't even call her that...

Nodoka: [smiling and standing VERY close] Good afternoon!
...Call who what, Ranko?

Ranko screamed. Akane and Nodoka both looked very surprised at
this outburst. Ranko hadn't realized how close she'd gotten to her
mother.

Ranma-chan: Um...um...I mean, good afternoon, Auntie! [bowing to
hide her blush] Um, I was just talking about...uh...one of my
friends. Yeah! I can't call her...on the phone! Because her
phone's out!

Nodoka smiled at Ranko.

Nodoka: Why don't you invite her over for dinner then? I'm sure
your father won't mind.

Ranko froze. How was she supposed to invite a nonexistent friend
for dinner? She could get Ukyou to pretend...or Shampoo...or
both...she shuddered at the thought (2). Then she remembered her
mother was still waiting for an answer. She answered frantically.

Ranma-chan: No! I mean, I can't!

Mrs. Saotome looked at Ranko questioningly.

Ranma-chan: Because...because...[in a rush]
shelivesfarawayandherdaddoesn'thaveacar! (3)

Ranko put her patented 'cute face' on and looked hopefully at her
mother. Akane slapped her forehead at Ranko's pathetic
performance. Strangely, Mrs. Saotome seemed not to notice.

Nodoka: Well, that's all right then, dear. Your father was really
getting worried about you two, you know...Nabiki was back an
hour ago, after all.

Ranma-chan: Pop? But he's a [Akane clapped a hand over Ranko's
mouth] panmmmrph!!

Akane: We know, Auntie. We wanted Nabiki to tell father we'd be
late but I only had a hundred yen left. We were, uh...

Akane looked at Ranko to supply an explanation. In retrospect, not
one of her brighter inspirations.

Ranko: Um...right, we were...you know...doing...

Ranko dug her foot into the dirt, trying to think of what girls did
together.

Ranma-chan: ...Stuff! Yeah. Girl stuff. You know.

Akane looked at Ranko like she couldn't believe she had heard that
right. Nodoka's face turned stern. Before she could open her
mouth, though, Mr. Tendo appeared out of nowhere, crying (#321, My
Daughter And Her Fiance Were Out On A Date).

Soun: [crying] Oh, how wonderful! My baby girl and her fiance
were out on a date!

Akane turned an angry red and turned on her father. Nodoka looked
around for her son, who was understandably nowhere in sight. Ranko
just looked at the ground, hoping this was all a nightmare.

Akane: DAD!! *RANKO* and I were *not* on a date!

Nodoka: Mr. Tendo? Did you say my son was here?

Mr. Tendo froze like a deer caught in headlights. A small, often
forgotten part of his mind screamed to him that if Ranma was caught
by his mother, he couldn't marry Akane. That was bad, of course.
He had to defuse the situation somehow. Mr. Tendo turned on the
famous Tendo wit. (4)

Soun: Uh...

Suddenly, inspiration struck Mr. Tendo like a whiff of Akane's
cooking. A way to get out of this *and* help join the Tendo and
Saotome lines together!

Soun: Why no, Mrs. Saotome! I was merely so happy that Ranma
promised to take Akane out on a date when he gets back! Isn't
that right, Akane?

Akane and Ranma-chan: *WHAT*?!?

Mr. Tendo towered over the girls, his demon head glaring at them as
he shouted. Mrs. Saotome blinked in surprise.

Soun: ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

Akane: [indignant] No! There's no WAY I--

Ranma-chan: [sighing] Yeah, sure.

Akane's jaw dropped. The rest of her mouth kept on working, trying
to finish her sentence, which was rather difficult without the
lower part of it.

Mr. Tendo went back to normal. Except that normally he didn't look
like the cat that had swallowed the canary (5). That was usually
left for Shampoo to use after she had gotten Ranma to eat yet
another delectable dish chock-full of mind-altering drugs (6).
Mrs. Saotome blinked again, convinced she had imagined it.

Soun: Good. Well then...

Mr. Tendo walked back into the dojo. Mrs. Saotome followed him,
determined to try to find *some* kind of explanation for all of
this. Even a bad one.

Akane: ...

Ranko looked at Akane. She was in shock. Ranko waved a hand past
her eyes. Nothing. She stuck her tongue out at Akane. Nada. She
made a face. Nope. She poked Akane in the nose. Zip. Ranko
looked around with an evil grin on her face.

Ranma-chan: I've always wanted to do this. Hey Akane! You're
built like a brick! You're thighs are too thick! You can't
even kick! And your cooking makes me SICK!

In the back of Akane's mind, the portion of her brain that
controlled instincts turned on and Akane came out of her trance.

Akane: RAAAAANNNNMMAAAAA!!

In the nearby dimension of Hammerspace, yet another unlucky denizen
of that plane was sucked into this one to serve the one known to
them only as "Death wearing a school dress."

Akane: WHAM HOW DARE YOU POUND SAY THAT ABOUT MY HAMMER
COOKING, YOU MASH JERK!! WHAM SMASH WHAM

(1) In little fine print below that it said "specializing in hot,
cold, and cursed water."

(2) Can we say "okonomiyaki cat surprise"?

(3) Say *that* ten times quickly.

(4) This is the same famous Tendo wit that gets him yelled at by
one daughter, blackmailed by a second, and ignored by a third.

(5) Mr. Tendo normally looks like he's about to cry. This may
have something to do with the fact that he usually is.

(6) Between Shampoo and Kodachi, the Japanese drug market has
increased by 250% over the last four years. Who says the Chinese
aren't good capitalists?

* * *

Outside the dojo, two old ladies passing by stopped and looked at
each other.

First Old Lady: Goodness! It sounds like someone's slaughtering
cattle in there! (1)

Second Old Lady: Oh, that's the Tendo dojo. It happens every day,
regular as clockwork. We set our clocks by it.

First Old Lady: And I moved out of the Tomobiki district just to
escape that kind of thing. Tch, tch.

The screaming had died down, and only a few muffled groans and
whimpers reached the street. The two old ladies started walking
again.


(1) In deference to any organized cattle-slaughtering groups out
there, the slaughtering of cattle is done quite quietly and
humanely. In fact, putting Ranma through a cattle-slaughtering
device would probably be more humane than what Akane was doing to
him at that moment in time.

* * *

It was dinnertime at the Tendo house. At first glance everything
looked normal, but upon closer inspection one would realize
something was not right. Something important.

Genma Saotome wasn't at the table slobbering over dinner.

Instead, a panda sat next to a bowl in the corner and sulked. The
bowl read "Mr. Panda," and the panda occasionally turned around
with a sign saying "Please (the words "do not" had been crossed
out) feed the animals!" Kasumi was also in the room rather than in
the kitchen preparing dinner, resting on a pillow, her ankle
wrapped in something that looked like gauze.

Nodoka walked into the dining room, carrying with her bowls and
plates full of food for dinner. It all looked delicious, and soon
dinner was joined by the hungry horde. In particular, Ranko seemed
to be enjoying the food immensely. Ranko showed her appreciation
for dinner with her usual style and grace. That is, she devoured
everything on her plate and not a few things on other people's
plates, all within a few seconds. Occasionally she fought with
someone over a piece of food. She ate like there was no tomorrow.
For that matter, she ate like there was no today either, and she
was making up for yesterday. Nodoka looked at her scarfing down a
bowl of rice and sighed.

Nodoka: I'm glad you like my food so much, Ranko. But tell me,
how was school today?

Ranko nervously stopped eating mid-mouthful. This was akin to a
ray of sunlight suddenly illuminating a square foot of city street
at midnight. That is, it just didn't happen unless you were
fooling around with things beyond your comprehension. Nabiki took
interest, realizing that anything able to stop Ranma's appetite was
a force to be reckoned with, not to mention a force to be sold and
marketed (1).

Ranma-chan: [around some food] Uh...it wush okay.

Ranko swallowed hastily.

Nodoka: [looking mortified] Ranko dear, it's not ladylike to talk
with your mouth full.

Ranko cringed. Akane looked worried. Nabiki looked amused. Genma
looked like a panda. Soun looked hungry. And Kasumi looked like
everything was fine in the world, which is to say, perfectly normal
for her.

Ranma-chan: Oh...[swallowing completely, then bowing] I'm sorry,
auntie.

Nodoka: [sighing] It's all right, dear. Just don't do it again.

Mrs. Saotome smiled at Ranko, who was looking unhappy. Ranko went
back to eating, just as quickly and with manners just as bad as
before. Nodoka sighed. At least she wasn't talking with her mouth
full.


(1) Actually, that's tame for Nabiki. Ordinarily she'd have it
auctioned off, mortgaged, time-shared and contracted out to three
different companies before blackmailing Ranma with the evidence and
simultaneously selling it to his enemies/fiancees. She was feeling
generous this morning.

* * *

Nabiki was watching TV. Ranko walked in and joined her. The news
announcer started speaking.

News Announcer: "...Seiko up 22.6, Sony down 2.3...the time is now
8:23 p.m., on the all-business channel!"

Ranko sighed to herself, but flopped down anyways on the floor next
to where Nabiki was sitting, munching on some popcorn. She was
avidly taking notes.

Ranko watched attentively for all of ten seconds before her gaze
started to wander around the room.

Ranma-chan: [sighing] Gee, Nabiki, do we have to watch this?

Nabiki: [without looking up] That depends, Ranma. How much is it
worth to you?

Ranko sighed and kept watching.

Ranma-chan: Hey, Nabiki. Is it okay if I have some popcorn?

Nabiki: Sure.

Ranko looked startled, but grabbed for the bag quickly before
Nabiki changed her mind.

Nabiki: ...For a price.

Ranko sighed and let go. She tried once more, valiantly.

Ranma-chan: You know, I hear there's this cool movie on TV...with
lots of cute guys!

Nabiki: And lots of violence and martial arts. "Revenge of the
Ninja part XXVII," right?

Ranma-chan: Uh...

Nabiki: 1000 Yen.

Ranko sighed. Akane walked downstairs. She saw what was on and
continued walking.

Ranma-chan: Hey, Akane?

Akane: Mm?

Ranma-chan: What do you do when you're bored? [Akane looks around
at him] This is so boring! I can't do anything I usually do
like this! What do you usually do? You always stay home,
right?

Akane: [getting angry] Are you trying to tell me I'm boring?

Ranma-chan: Huh? Wait a second, that's not what I sa--

Akane suddenly dropped her angry expression and smiled sweetly at
Ranko. Ranko shut up, surprised.

Akane: [sweetly] Well, Ranko, what *I* normally do on school
nights is my homework. Have you finished yours yet?

Ranma-chan: Uh, not yet, but it's not--

Akane: Baka (1)! This is why you always do so badly on tests!

Ranma-chan: Who says I do--

Akane: Upstairs! Now!

Akane pushed a protesting Ranko upstairs. From the bottom of the
stairs, Nabiki heard Ranko sigh in surrender. She waited until
both voices died down, then took out the channel changer and,
looking furtively around, pressed a button. The image on the
screen changed and new voices and sounds came from the TV.

First Voice: Aiyah! You die now! [burst of gunfire] Aie!

Second Voice: Darn these ninjas...come on, we've got to get to the
Temple! Only then can the evil Dr. Destructo and his
nefarious plans be stopped!

Nabiki: [munching on more popcorn] You know, Ranma was right.


(1) 'Baka' = idiot or jerk. Akane uses it a lot with Ranma
(surprise, surprise). She also calls him a hentai, meaning
'pervert'. Ranma uses kawaiikune to insult Akane, meaning
'uncute', though a better (and more insulting) translation might be
'sexless tomboy'.

* * *

The next day, high in the sky, a lone duck flew. Looking down
desperately for land, all it saw was haze. Blue haze. Which could
only mean water. It sighed and flapped tired wings dejectedly.

MuuMuu-chan: Quack quack! [translation: "Ranma, when I get my
hands on you, I'll wring your neck like a duc--um...like a
pig!"]

Little boy: Look, mama! That duck's flying upside-down!

Mother: Now, Aaron! It's not polite to point!

* * *

Ranko and Akane were walking home from school. Ranko's shirt was
soaked.

Akane: [sarcastically] Well, I hope you're happy now!

Ranma-chan: I'll be happy when I can take a hot bath again.

Akane: It's only been two days!

Ranma-chan: It feels like two months.

Akane: [sighing] If you like, I can help you...like, stand guard
outside or something? If it means that much to you...

Ranma-chan: You, stand guard? That's a laugh! You'd probably
fall asleep or something!

Akane: [angry] Fine then! Get your own stupid bath! I'll...I'll
help Mrs. Saotome instead!

Ranma-chan: Huh? [pointing at Akane] What could *you* help her
with, Akane?

Akane: [defensively] Well, she *is* cooking for seven people, you
know...

Ranma-chan: [shocked] Akane! Don't tell me you're going to cook!

Akane: Well, you don't have to be that shocked!

Ranko suddenly turned serious. He looked Akane in the eyes.

Ranma-chan: Akane...

Ranko took her hands in his. Akane started to protest but stopped,
frozen by the look she saw in his eyes. It was a look she rarely
saw, and something deep inside made her shiver with excitement.

Ranma-chan: I understand that you want to help me. And I
appreciate it.

Akane felt her heart hammering inside her. Was this really Ranma
saying this to her? Was this real? She felt like the world had
stopped--and realized she had stopped breathing. She forced
herself to start her lungs working again. Air came in shallow
breaths.

Ranma-chan: ...But I'm not suicidal yet!

Suddenly, her vision turned red.

Akane: RANMA, YOU JERK!!

Akane sent Ranko flying into the air with a punch, then followed up
with her hammer. Akane stopped suddenly, her attack blocked by
something. Looking up, she saw Mrs. Saotome looking sternly at
her.

Nodoka: Really, Akane, beating up on poor Ranko. Is that any way
for you to make friends with her?

Akane: Uh...

Nodoka: Now, what's this fight all about?

Akane: Well, Ranm--Ranko said that my cooking was terrible and--

Ranma-chan: Well it *IS*!!

Akane: Why you...!

Akane hefted her hammer again, only to find Mrs. Saotome still
holding onto it. Mrs. Saotome smiled at the two girls.

Nodoka: Is that what you're fighting over? Well, auntie knows how
to make things better. Why don't you two help me in the
kitchen with dinner?

Akane: Really? You mean it? I'd love to!

Nodoka smiled at Akane, who smiled happily herself. Ranko dusted
herself off.

Nodoka: And what about you, Ranko?

Ranma-chan: Huh? [remembering the question] Oh! Yes! Can I?
Can I really? Oh, thank you so much, auntie Saotome!
Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

The three walked into the kitchen together. They failed to notice
the nervous looks Mr. Tendo was giving them. Most of the Tendo
family had long memories when it came to Akane in the kitchen. Not
to mention when Akane and Ranma were in the kitchen at the same
time.

Nodoka: All right, girls...oops, I forgot the parsley in the
pantry...wait here a moment, will you?

Akane: [to Ranko] You didn't have to fake it *that* much!

Ranma-chan: [to Akane] Look who's talking! We all know you'll do
anything to get in the kitch--hey...um...what's with all the
hot water?

Akane looked around. On the stove there was a huge pot filled with
boiling water.

Nodoka: [walking back into the room] I thought we'd try something
a little different tonight--

Ranko had a sudden premonition. She turned slightly pale.

Ranma-chan: Not...

Nodoka: --SOUP!!

Nodoka was greeted by shocked stares. Ranko's eyes flicked to the
stove. The pot chose that moment to boil over and splash the floor
next to Ranko, sending columns of billowing steam into the air.

Ranma-chan: AAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!

Ranko leapt madly past Akane into...the wall. She was still a
girl. Nodoka turned off the heat on the stove and looked at Ranko,
who was sliding down the wall into a heap on the ground.

Nodoka: Ranko? Is something wrong? It's just hot water...

Ranko was as far away from the stove as the room permit and was
trying to get farther. She was having little success, although the
wall would need another coat of paint if Ranko didn't stop soon.

Ranma-chan: Ahhh...

Nodoka: [with sudden understanding] Oh...*now* I understand!

Akane and Ranko both looked at each other.

Nodoka: You poor girl! Frightened of hot water!

The girls facefaulted.

Nodoka: Don't worry...I won't tell anybody. [smiling
reassuringly] You can relax for today. Tomorrow I'm making
sukiyaki--would you like to help me with that?

Ranma-chan: [scared] But...but...

Nodoka: What is it, dear? But what? If you don't want to help me
cook, it's all right...

Ranma-chan: But...BUT SOMEONE'S GOTTA SAVE THE OTHERS FROM AKANE'S
COOKING!!

The following fifteen seconds are best left to the reader's
imagination. Suffice it to say that when the screams ended, Ranko
was halfway through the wall and not moving.

Akane looked up at Mrs. Saotome. Mrs. Saotome was stunned.

Nodoka: [very sternly] Akane. Dear. That was uncalled for.

Akane: [hanging her head] I'm sorry, auntie.

Nodoka: Don't tell that to me, dear. Tell it to Ranko--when she
wakes up. In the meantime, I think it would be best for you
to take her to Dr. Tofu's, don't you?

Akane: ...Yes, auntie.

Akane left the kitchen with Ranko in her arms. Nodoka also walked
out of the kitchen, heading for a different target.

* * *

The desert. A harsh mistress, sometimes it played tricks on the
mind. Mirages, things that weren't real. In this particular
desert, a man was thinking of just that when Ryoga walked up to
him. For the second time.

Ryoga: Um, excuse me...

Man: Ha!

Ryoga: [taken aback] What?

Man: I knew you couldn't make it out of the desert with just a
direction to walk in!

Ryoga: Oh. I guess I should apologize...?

Man: That's better. All right, I'm going to give you detailed
instructions. First you go east for two miles, past the old
road...

Ryoga: Is that anywhere near the waterfall?

Man: [taken aback] Waterfall? In a desert?

Ryoga: I have a postcard right here...[he pulls out a postcard.
It reads "Beautiful Niagara Falls"] I guess I got lost again.
[he pauses] That would explain all the snow and ice blocking
the mountains. Although I'm still puzzled as to how the tiger
got there.

Man: ...East.

Ryoga: What?

Man: Japan is east.

Ryoga: What about the detailed instructions?

Man: EAST!

* * *

Back in the dojo, Mrs. Saotome had cornered Mr. Tendo with her
katana and gotten him to talk privately. After a pleading glance
at Nabiki which she ignored, he agreed.

Nodoka: [holding onto the katana] I think you know why I'm here,
Soun.

Soun: [dodging the issue] Uh...

Nodoka: I want to talk to you about Ranko.

Soun: [wittily] Uh...

Nodoka: This is my fourth visit here, and while I haven't stayed
long, I feel like I already know Ranko very well.

Soun: [originally] Oh...?

Nodoka: [nodding] Yes. But you know, I've never been formally
introduced to her. You know, Soun...Genma and I were here
sixteen years ago for the birth of Akane? Do you remember
that?

Soun: [back in familiar territory] Oh yes...yes, that was when my
dear wife was still alive...

Nodoka: Ranko is sixteen, isn't she?

Soun: [freezing] Uh...

Nodoka: And she has red hair. Natural red hair. I've seen her
hair wet several times. She's not your daughter, is she?

Soun: [sweating] Uh...

Nodoka: Every time I come here I always see Ranko looking unhappy.
She tries to hide it and cheer up when I'm around, but I can
tell she's sad. That can hardly be a coincidence, now can it?

Soun: [cringing] Uh...

Nodoka: And she always dresses like a boy! You'd think she was
never taught how to act or dress like a girl! As if she never
knew her mother...

Soun: [terrified] Uh...

Realizing the depth he was in, Mr. Tendo signalled wildly at his
daughter for help. Nabiki responded by flashing her father a card
which read "Y10000" (1). Soun looked back at Nabiki, shocked.
Nabiki frowned back at him before looking at the card. She
realized her mistake and started scribbling on it again.

Nodoka: [checking things off on her fingers] She doesn't have a
boyfriend. She never does anything with her friends...in
fact, I've never even heard of any of her friends! It's like
she's not a real person! Just some made-up identity!

Soun: [gesturing at Nabiki to hurry up] Uh...

Nabiki finished and flashed the card again. Now it reads "Y20000.
I give credit lines to family at low interest rates." Mr. Tendo
turned white.

Nodoka: The only person she seems to be close to is her pet panda.
You know, Soun, that panda strikes me as odd, too. It can
read and write! I've seen her room...she hardly has anything
to her name! No toys, or posters, and hardly any clothes...as
if she's spent most of her life travelling. And just now, I
find out she has a phobia...that she's afraid of hot water!

Nabiki glanced at her father, then at her watch. She whistled idly
and turned back to the magazine she was reading. Mrs. Saotome
fingered the blade in her hands absently. It was sheathed, of
course. Somehow, that particular fact didn't make Mr. Tendo relax
one iota.

Nodoka: This can only mean one thing, Soun. You've been lying to
me. All of you have.

Mr. Tendo nodded frantically at Nabiki, who smiled and flipped the
card over. Mr. Tendo read it and brightened immediately. He
opened his mouth to speak, but Mrs. Saotome beat him to it.

Nodoka: [dangerous tone] Yes, it can only mean one thing: [sweet
tone] Ranko is a poor orphan girl you've taken in, isn't she?

Everyone facefaulted.

Soun: [recovering] Yes! Yes! That's it! Oh, the terrible truth
that you've uncovered! The poor girl...

Mr. Tendo drew upon his own gift of words. That is, he babbled.
Mrs. Saotome sat, blinking occasionally, until he finished.

Soun: [concluding] ...and it is the true duty of any martial
artist to help the less fortunate!

Nodoka: Well, it was very kind of you. But you know, I'm not sure
that your family is the right atmosphere for the girl. She
seems to be picking up some bad habits. Like teaching her
pets to read and write when she should be making friends. I
think we should put a stop to them now, before they get worse.

Soun: Do...do you now?

Nodoka: [nodding] Un (2). It seems so obvious to me now...I
can't understand why I didn't catch on before now. I'll just
have to take young Ranko under my wing. You won't mind, will
you, Mr. Tendo?

Soun: [like a man given a second chance at life] No! Not at all!

The sound of footsteps were heard from the porch as Ranko and Akane
got home from school. Then, the sound of Akane raising her voice
in anger. There was a large crashing noise, followed by an eerie
silence. Everybody took it in stride. It was perfectly normal
around the dojo.

Nodoka: Ah, perfect timing! [smiling at Mr. Tendo] Please excuse
me.

Soun: Not at all. [to Genma, who had just walked in as a panda]
That was close.

Nabiki: [with calculator] OK daddy, with sales tax your total
comes out to...21,400 yen. 3% interest compounded weekly.

Soun: Wh-what? But Nabiki, I didn't have to use your excuse...

Nabiki: [scornfully] You agreed to the deal, didn't you? If
you're trying to welch on me, maybe I should just tell Mrs.
Saotome where to find her son.

Soun: Nabiki! You wouldn't do that to your father!

Nabiki: Moi? Of course not. But my father pays his debts. I
don't recognize you, sir.

Soun: Na-nabiki...!

Nabiki: So is it a deal, or is it a deal?

Soun: I...I'll find the money...somehow.

Soun started crying again (#143, My Daughter Is Blackmailing Me).


(1) While exchange rates do fluctuate, a good rule of thumb is
Y100 (one hundred yen) = $1 US.

(2) 'Un' = Yes; go on. I've interspersed a minuscule amount of
Japanese into my fanfic with the deranged hope of insinuating it
into the english language, mostly so people stop hanging up with
"Sorry, wrong number" when I answer the phone "Moshi moshi?"

* * *

As the afternoon wore on in Nerima, somewhere else in Japan the
Audubon society of Osaka were out on a field trip. A duck was
sleeping fitfully in a tree, finally returned from its long flight
home. Two students with cameras and binoculars stepped out of the
nearby foliage.

First Man: Look! A duck sleeping in that tree...isn't that a bit
abnormal?

Second Man: Forget that, look at the wing markings--that's not a
normal duck. [looking it up in a book of birds] Ah...I see.
"Chinese Peking Duck: known for being the only species of
duck able to drown. Lives only near small, interspersed pools
of water such as those found in mainland China."

First Man: [looking closer at the duck] Then what's it doing here
in Osaka? It says...um...they go to the area near Canton this
time of year for mating season...my god, they're an endangered
species! Missing a mating season...this could be the last
chance he ever gets!

Second Man: It must be lost, the poor thing. Wait a second...I've
got vacation time coming up, and my fiancee has been begging
me to go somewhere...I could take it with me and set it free
over there.

First Man: That's great! [smiling] I always feel great when I do
a good deed.

Second Man: Imagine how happy it'll be when it wakes up in Hong
Kong!

They picked up the duck and left. The duck slept on, oblivious
after nearly twenty-four hours of nonstop flight.

End of Part One