* * *
Part Two
* * *
Darkness. In the place where Ranma slept, there was no time or
place. But more importantly, there were no worries, cares or pain.
That last bit about pain became especially important for Ranma
after being beaten to a pulp by Akane. Which seemed to happen
on a regular basis. As a result, sleep was one of the more
pleasant parts of the day for Ranma, so it was with great
reluctance that his subconscious started telling him to wake up.
Ranma, being the person he is, told his subconscious to go take a
flying leap and went back to sleep. When that didn't work, he
tried to mentally knock out his subconscious with a roundhouse
kick.
Freud would have a few things to say about Ranma.
But all this mental activity between his conscious and subconscious
was having the desired effect of waking him up anyways. Thus the
bucket of water that splashed over Ranma and woke him up completely
was seen as adding insult to injury by his subconscious,
considering all his hard work in getting him that far on his own.
He promptly went to the corner of Ranma's mind and sulked along
with Ranma's superego and id (1).
Ranma blinked. As his eyes opened, the first thing he saw was a
face. A face very close to his own, peering in one of his eyes.
It seemed very familiar, somehow. Given this fact, perhaps Ranma's
next action could be forgiven.
Ranma took one look at his mother and screamed. Loudly.
Ranma's mother jerked back, startled. Nabiki just smirked. She
was videotaping the scene, knowing what his reaction would be. It
was, after all, smart business sense. Akane grabbed ahold of Ranma
to stop him from running away.
Akane: Calm down, RANKO.
Ranma-chan: No! Wait! It's not what you think! I'm innocent!
It's all Pop's fault! I begged him not to do it! I can
explain everything!
Nodoka blinked.
Ranma-chan: The panda! The panda made me do it!
Nabiki sighed. She would never get to blackmail Ranma with the
video tape if he didn't live through the experience. Besides, she
could always bill him later. She decided to speak up.
Nabiki: Relax, Ranko. Take a look at yourself.
Her business-like speech cut through Ranko's haze and she looked
down at her quite obviously female bosom. It had been cold water,
not hot. Ranko looked back up at her mother sheepishly. She
quickly remembered the Anything-Goes School of Getting Through Life
Rules her father had taught her (Rule #3, Treat Your Mistakes Like
They Were Intentional).
Ranma-chan: Nevermind! So what's up, auntie?
Mrs. Saotome blinked. So did Akane. Mrs. Saotome reached down to
feel Ranko's forehead.
Nodoka: Ranko, dear, maybe you should rest some more. Does your
head hurt from where Akane hit it? Maybe this is more serious
than we thought...
Ranma-chan: What? Why heck, I'm in perfect shape!
Ranko proceeded to show off in style by performing katas.
Nabiki: I *don't* think she was referring to your body, Ranko.
Ranma-chan: Huh? Well, what is it then?
Nabiki: Let's just say that it's between your ears and doesn't get
much workout (2).
Nodoka: Nabiki!
Nabiki smirked. Ranko looked puzzled.
Nodoka: Ranko, dear...how are you feeling?
Ranma-chan: Me...? Um, fine, I guess. What's up? Somebody die
or something?
Nodoka: [looking at the other two] Girls, if you wouldn't mind
excusing Ranko and myself for a moment?
Akane and Nabiki got up and left, the former more reluctantly than
the latter. As Nabiki was about to leave, Mrs. Saotome spoke up.
Nodoka: Oh, and Nabiki? Could you turn off the video camera
first?
Nabiki was startled. Maybe Ranma's mother wasn't as naive as the
rest of the Saotome clan seemed to be, after all (3). She turned
the camera off and took it with her for good measure. As she left,
Nodoka gently shut the door behind her.
Ranko looked around. They were in her bedroom, the one she shared
with Genma. The panda was nowhere to be seen.
Ranma-chan: [under her breath] Typical...
Nodoka: What's that, Ranko?
Ranma-chan: Um? Nothing, auntie!
Nodoka smiled sadly at her. Ranko felt a bit uneasy. Maybe
somebody *had* died...?
Nodoka: Dear, I think we should have a good long heart-to-heart
talk...
(1) Clever readers will remember that in fact the subconscious is
made up of the Superego, Ego and Id, so it obviously couldn't sit
next to them in Ranma's mind. They were, in fact, his anima and
animus in disguise.
(2) Upon later asking Nabiki what she meant (and paying 500 yen
for the privilege of hearing her answer), Ranma got the following
response. "Why, your pig-tail, of course. What did you *think* I
meant?"
(3) Ranma inherited most of his genes from his father, which
explains a lot.
* * *
Ranko looked nervously at her mother. She looked for the katana
that her mother seemed to wear whenever she was angry. It was
absent. Ranko calmed down slightly...*very* slightly.
Ranma-chan: What do you mean, mo--Mrs. Saotome?
Nodoka: Please, dear. Call me auntie.
Ranma-chan: ...Auntie.
Nodoka: Well...dear...please, sit down. Make yourself
comfortable.
Ranko sat down on the floor like a poleaxed steer.
Nodoka: I'd like you to tell me about yourself.
Ranma-chan: What?
Nodoka: I know the truth, dear.
Ranko felt like Akane had just hit her with her mallet again.
Except that she usually didn't feel this hot when she did.
Ranma-chan: [sweating] Oh...really...?
Nodoka: Yes. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Ranko's heart skipped a beat. Had she heard right?
Ranma-chan: [hopefully] Really? You think so? You don't mind?
Nodoka: [smiling] Not at all, dear.
Ranma-chan: That's great! [hugging Nodoka] I was getting so
tired of lying to you all the time! And Pop'll be so happy!
Nodoka: [very sharply] Lying to me? About what? And why should
your late father care?
Ranma-chan: LATE father? You already made him...[swallowing] On
second thought, what do I care how Pop feels...[detaching from
Nodoka]...maybe I should be going...[she starts creeping away]
Mrs. Saotome sighed regretfully.
Nodoka: Dear, have you ever heard of 'rupture'?
Ranma-chan: I DON'T WANNA HEAR HOW POP DIED!
Mrs. Saotome ignored her.
Nodoka: Rupture is a term for when you're holding a conversation
with someone quite normally, when all of a sudden you realize
you and she are speaking about two quite different things.
Like we seem to be doing.
Ranma-chan: [calming somewhat] Oh. You mean, we've been saying
different stuff to each other?
Nodoka: In a way, I suppose. [sighing] Let me explain what I was
saying, and maybe we can both avoid being embarrassed.
Ranma-chan: Uh, sure.
Nodoka: [smiling] Don't worry. I didn't hear anything you said
to me before. Unless you want me to, of course.
Ranma-chan: ...
Nodoka: [looking sad] Well...I know that you're not one of Soun's
daughters. And putting together some other evidence, I came
to the conclusion that your parents died when you were young,
and you've been taking care of yourself ever since. How am I
doing?
Ranma-chan: Uh, pretty good...I guess.
Nodoka: You don't really have many friends, and I can see you
don't really get along with the other girls very well. I
think a lot of that has to do with the way you...do things.
Ranma-chan: The way I...do things?
Nodoka: I suppose what I'm trying to say is, well, you just don't
act like a girl, Ranko. You see, I think perhaps Akane and
the others have a hard time relating to you since you're not
quite like them. And the boys probably feel the same way.
Ranma-chan: But I like the way I am!
Nodoka: Do you really? Think hard about it first, Ranko. Don't
answer me yet. How many friends do you have that you can
count on in a crunch? How many people can you tell your
deepest, darkest secrets to? Wouldn't you like to have a
boyfriend?
Ranko's face screwed up involuntarily in fear. Nodoka sighed.
Nodoka: We'll work on that one. I think what the doctor orders is
a complete makeover.
Ranma-chan: Aw, that's girl stuff!
Nodoka: And just what do you think you are, Ranko? A boy? Trust
me, nobody could ever mistake you for one--despite what you
seem to think!
Ranko's shoulders slumped.
Ranma-chan: You...really think I...[a tear trickling down her
cheek] ...I... [she rubs at the tear]
Nodoka: Of course, dear. [encouragingly] In a way you are very
feminine. I think that somewhere deep inside of you, you
really do want to be pretty, wear dresses and makeup, and go
out with boys.
Tears started flowing unheeded as Ranko heard her mother speak.
She had just been told that her mother considered her less than "a
manly man"...much less. Nodoka, on the other hand, saw it as a
catharsis for the spirit, a good thing on the way to healing the
scars of a traumatic childhood.
Nodoka: That's it, dear...cry all you want. Auntie's here.
Nodoka hugged Ranko. Ranko stiffened completely, and Nodoka
reluctantly drew back. But as she did so, Ranko pulled her into a
hug of her own. The two sat there as sobs came out of Ranko's thin
body.
* * *
Elsewhere, the sun was setting, bringing blessed coolness to the
desert. But the experienced desert traveller knows that these
moments are brief, for soon the desert would be as bitterly cold as
it was scorchingly hot before. One such experienced traveller
tended to his goats as he tied them up for the night. A young man
walked up to him.
Ryoga: Where...is the Tendo dojo?
Man: Ah, you again; it figures. I must have done something
terrible in my last life.
Ryoga: Sorry to bother you again.
Man: [wearily] Not at all. The Tendo dojo is...east.
Ryoga: Oh! Thank you.
Ryoga bowed and set off.
Man: [sigh] I need a vacation. I must be working too hard.
He walked back to his goats. He didn't look to see which direction
Ryoga was walking in. He really didn't want to know.
* * *
Downstairs, the clock was ticking. Nobody really knew what was
going on upstairs between Ranma and his mom, but it was taking a
long time. Nodoka had come down only once, to tell Soun dinner
would be late. She also asked Akane if she could use her room for
a while. Everyone was on edge, somewhat understandably.
Kasumi: [limping into the room with crutches] Why, hello,
everyone! I didn't know you were all down here. Would you
care for some tea?
Well, almost everyone.
Soun: [crying (#279, My Daughter Is Not Well And Should Be In
Bed)] Kasumi! You're not well! You should be in bed!
Kasumi: I'm sorry, father. It's just that Dr. Tofu said to take
my herbal tea every six hours.
Nabiki: Yeah, but didn't we get Akane to do it?
Akane looked up, a guilty expression written all over on her face.
Akane: Oh no! I'm sorry, Kasumi! It completely slipped my mind!
I'll go and do it right now!
Kasumi: Don't worry about it, Akane. Since I'm down here, I might
as well make it anyways.
Akane: Oh no you don't! Get back in bed! [charging into the
kitchen] I'll have my extra-special herbal remedy tea whipped
up for you in no time!
Nabiki: [looking pale] "Extra-special"?
Panda: [sign] "'Whipped up'?"
Soun: [moaning to himself] If this keeps up, Kasumi will never
get better!
Soun started crying (#495, Akane Is Going To Kill Kasumi).
Akane: [from the kitchen] OK, it's almost ready! Hey you guys,
I've got enough for everyone! [to herself] Maybe I shouldn't
have added so much orange juice...
Soun started crying harder (#496, Akane Is Going To Kill Us All).
Nabiki looked for a way out. There wasn't any. Akane walked in
with a tray of glasses and a tea kettle. Just then, the wall burst
apart. Shampoo walked in through the newly-renovated hole in the
wall.
Shampoo: Nihao!
Akane: Shampoo! Didn't anyone ever teach you how to use the
door?!
Shampoo: Shampoo not here for talk with violent tomboy. Where
Ranma?
Akane: He's upstairs with his mother. [doing a double take]
Hey, wait a second!
Shampoo was on the first stair. She turned and looked at Akane
questioningly.
Akane: You can't go up there!
Shampoo: [menacingly] How Akane stop Shampoo?
Akane: What? Why you...!
Nabiki: Hold it! Hey, Shampoo? Ranma's mom wants to kill Ranma.
Shampoo: AIYAA! Shampoo go stop crazy woman!
Akane: Hold it, Shampoo!
Shampoo: [puzzled] Akane *want* Ranma die?
Akane: NO! Listen to me, Shampoo. [throwing a dark look at
Nabiki, who seems impervious] Ranma's dad made a promise that
Ranma would be manly, and if he wasn't, Ranma and his dad
would commit seppuku.
Shampoo: Sep-oo-koo?
Nabiki: Suicide.
Shampoo: AIYAA! What he do that for?
Akane: [ignoring the two of them] ...Anyways...she doesn't know
about Ranma's curse.
Nabiki: Obviously.
Akane: [*trying* to ignore the two of them] ...SO...Ranma is
pretending to be "Ranko Tendo" until she leaves. Got it?
Shampoo: Shampoo no dummy.
Nabiki opened her mouth. Akane put her hand over it. Akane smiled
at Shampoo. The effect was somewhat comparable with that of a cat
smiling at a dog (1). Mr. Tendo looked around for somewhere to
hide. There came a sound from the hole in the wall and a small,
black piglet walked in.
Akane: [happily] P-Chan! [she grabs the piglet and hugs it to
her chest] Where have you been, widdle piggy? I missed you!
P-Chan: [happily] Bwee!
Nabiki: Maybe you should get one of those radio-finder things put
on his collar...you know, like they use to find migratory
birds?
Akane: I'm so glad you're back! You can meet Mrs. Saotome!
P-Chan: [questioningly] Bwee?
Nabiki: Say, Shampoo, why did you come here anyways?
Shampoo: Ranma ask Shampoo come help in kitchen!
Akane: Why would he do that? I said I'd help auntie Saotome with
dinner...
Akane stopped talking. A nasty suspicion was beginning to form in
her mind.
Her eyes narrowed dangerously.
Shampoo: [gloating] Ranma say he want Shampoo help by making
antidote for Akane's food!
Akane glared at Shampoo as a substitute for Ranma. Her battle aura
began to show around the edges.
Akane: Why...that...
Just then, the door opened. This movement caused the rest of the
wall, already on its last legs from Shampoo's entrance, to crash to
the floor. Ukyou walked in with no little trepidation, wondering
if the other walls would fall on her.
Ukyou: Uh...hi. Sorry about that.
Soun started crying once more (#282, My House Is Being Destroyed By
Illegitimate Fiancees Of My Future Son-In-Law).
Ukyou: Hi, folks. Ranma said I should come by and help out...
Shampoo and Akane both turned their glares on Ukyou. Ukyou's voice
trailed off as she looked at the two.
Ukyou: Um, is this a bad time?
Nabiki: Not at all. Should I put that wall on your account, or
would you like to pay now?
Ukyou: But I didn't do anything! I just...
Ukyou looked at Nabiki. She sighed.
Ukyou: ...Put it on my account. The usual interest rates?
Akane: [forcefully] Hey! Is everyone just going to sit there?
Have some tea!
Akane gave glasses out. Then she lifted the tea kettle. She
poured into Mr. Tendo's glass. The herbal...um...beverage...was a
light purple (2). Mr. Tendo shrunk away from it. Akane forced it
on him. He broke down crying (#150, My Daughter Is Using Me As A
Guinea Pig). Akane yelled at him. He switched to #172, My
Daughter Is Threatening Me. Then a bonbori crashed into the tea
kettle. The tea kettle flew into the air, sending herbal beverage
splashing against the wall. Akane looked at the wall, which was
now painted a bright purple from the tea. Then she turned around
slowly.
Shampoo: Already Shampoo save husband friends! Shampoo understand
true danger now! Must save husband from Akane's poison!
Akane lit up the room with her battle aura. Shampoo did likewise.
Everyone scrambled out of the way of the two martial artists.
Strangely, the purple stain on the wall seemed to throb within the
glow of the auras. Ukyou wisely decided to sit this one out, and
started haggling with Nabiki over prices, construction companies,
and how much a day's worth of free Okinomiyaki was worth in real
market prices.
A footstep was heard on the stairs. Everybody froze with
trepidation, except for Shampoo and Akane, who were both engaged in
a battle of wills.
Nodoka: I hope I'm not interrupting anything...
Everyone looked up. On the stairs was Nodoka. Then Ranko walked
out from behind Nodoka. She walked slowly, almost painfully. She
raised her head. In unison, seven-and-a-half jaws dropped.
(1) A very, very, big cat and a very, very small dog. Think
'panther' and 'chihuahua'.
(2) This is one of those few times when I'm glad life isn't like
anime. If it was, we could have an epidemic on our hands.
* * *
Hong Kong International Airport. A Japanese university student
walked out the gates and hailed a taxi. He was carrying his
baggage, but also a cage. Inside was a duck. The student got into
the taxi.
Student: Well, mister duck, you can stop acting so depressed.
You're home now!
MuuMuu-chan: [looking up] Quack? [translation: "I suppose I
shouldn't get my hopes up, but you never know."]
Student: Yep! You're in Hong Kong!
MuuMuu-chan: [flops back down] Quaaaack. [translation: "I knew
it."]
Student: But don't worry! The best surprise is yet to come!
MuuMuu-chan: Quack, quack, quack. Quaaaacck quack! [translation:
"I can't wait."]
The taxi stopped and student and duck both got out. Rather than
the normal cityscape of Hong Kong, we see a rather wild-looking
countryside. Nesting beside pools of water are ducks. Many ducks.
Student: [opening cage] There you go, mister duck! Freedom! And
now you're home, surrounded by family and friends! [he beams
before getting back in the cab (which has its meter running in
it, not to mention an impatient fiancee who is rather ticked
off to be playing nursemaid to a mallard) and driving off into
the sunset]
MuuMuu-chan: Quack quack quaaaaaack. [translation: "It couldn't
get any worse."]
Inside a shinto temple, a white-haired, dark-skinned woman stopped
for a second, as if listening. She frowned, then cast a simple
spell.
Female duck: [walking next to the duck we are by now intimately
familiar with] Quackety quack, quack! [translation: "Hey,
hot stuff!"]
MuuMuu-chan: QUACK! [translation: "Augh!"]
Urd: [smirking] Well, he should'a known better than to say
something like that when I'm around. Or even in the same
plane of existence (1).
(1) Upon being confronted with this deed hours later by her
sister, Urd commented wryly: "What makes you think it was me?
Hey, it could've been *any* white-haired, dark-skinned goddess.
You're always so quick to accuse, Skuld. What have I ever done to
you to deserve this? Lately, I mean."
* * *
On the stairs of the Tendo family house stood Nodoka, beaming down
at six shocked people, one shocked panda, and one unconscious
piglet. P-Chan's jaw had dropped halfway (1) before he fainted.
The state of those eight assorted warm-blooded beings was directly
correlated to the young lady standing next to Mrs. Saotome.
The girl who was standing demurely next to her mother bore no
resemblance to Ranma Saotome in either of his forms. Long, red
hair had been swept back until it fell freely down to her
shoulders. She was dressed in a red-and-gold silk cheongsam (2)
that hugged her curves tightly, yet fell loosely around her legs.
Her feet were snug in high heels. Earrings glinted from where they
hung half-hidden by her hair giving the illusion of buried gold
glossed over by red mist. Gold bracelets tinkled merrily around
her wrists while a simple armband covered her upper arm. Bright
lipstick showed off lips formed into a shy smile, while just a
touch of rouge hid what was becoming a faint blush. Standing
demurely, she gave the impression of innocence and purity, with
just a suggestion of something more behind it.
In other words, she was nothing at all like the girl who had
disappeared with Mrs. Saotome hours before.
Down below, shock was beginning to give way to other emotions.
Probably the first one to hit the assembled multitude was envy. At
least, the female part of the group; Nabiki, Akane, Shampoo and
Ukyou. For purposes of this statement, Kasumi is not part of the
female portion of the group. The male side, consisting of Genma
(the panda) and Soun, were still in shock. Kasumi is also not part
of the male group. Kasumi is part of the Kasumi group.
Kasumi: [smiling] Oh, how lovely!
Just as envy was beginning to give way to other emotions, Nodoka
gestured and Ranko walked down the stairs majestically.
Well, Ranko *started* to walk down the stairs majestically. She
ended in a heap. In between, she realized that high heels are not
something one easily adjusts to, even if one is a martial artist.
Especially going down stairs when looking straight ahead. This
sudden realization came about as she slipped, fell forward, caught
herself on the railing, tried to catch her balance, slipped with
the other foot, started falling down onto her behind, grabbed the
railing with her other hand and swung over the railing in a perfect
circle like an olympic gymnast, screaming in a high-pitched voice
until she hit the other side of the railing where she had her face
flattened. She then slid into a heap at the side of the stairwell,
thus completing the cycle.
There was complete silence for two seconds. Then Mrs. Saotome
spoke up.
Nodoka: Oh dear. Maybe we should have gone over walking in high
heels some more.
Pandemonium resulted. Everyone started laughing. Those not
already flat on their backs from shock were rolling on their
stomachs in laughter. Tears were flowing freely, and even the
panda was making laugh-like noises as it rolled on the floor,
trying to write the word "Hahaha!" on a sign and failing miserably
due to contortions of laughter. Mrs. Saotome looked horrified as
she went down to check Ranko. Ranko was in more embarrassment than
pain, luckily.
Ranko looked up at her mother. Then at the crowd. She blushed
furiously. For a moment, it looked like she was about to get
angry, but the moment passed, leaving her looking miserable
instead. Nodoka noticed and held out her hands for silence.
Nothing happened. Everyone was too busy laughing to pay attention
to Mrs. Saotome.
Nodoka: A-HEM!
A few faces looked up.
Ukyou: Oh, forgive me, Ranchan! It's just, you looked
so...[falling down on the ground again from laughter] hahaha!
Shampoo: [giggling] Shampoo never see Girl-Type do like that
before!
Nabiki: [holding in laughter rather unsuccessfully] I *have* to
get my camera. I simply *can't* miss this one.
Panda: [sign] "Way to go!"
Akane: Hahaha! Boy, Ranko! You sure looked stupid doing that!
Bwahaha!
Ranko looked about to explode. Nodoka frowned at her. Ranko
swallowed what she was about to say and spoke up quietly.
Ranma-chan: [seriously] Yes, I suppose I *did* look rather silly.
You're right, Akane. I must have been very funny to see.
Everyone stopped laughing. Being shocked twice a day in close
succession can do that to you. Nodoka took advantage of the
silence to speak up, much like an announcer.
Nodoka: Ladies and gentlemen! I would like to present to
you...the new Ranko Tendo!
Mr. Tendo fainted. Ukyou formed the words "Ranko Tendo"
noiselessly. Ranko made quick shushing gestures out of sight of
Mrs. Saotome. Ukyou blinked, realized she was in over her head,
and shut her mouth. One among them was not so quick-thinking.
Panda: [sign] "My son!!"
Ranko went chalky pale. Nodoka was trying to help Mr. Tendo and
didn't notice. Quickly Ranko kicked the sign away from her father,
causing him no small injury in the process. By the time Nodoka
looked up, Ranko was again demurely waiting, looking innocent as a
babe. The panda looked like it was in pain. It had turned the
sign around.
Panda: [sign] "Ouch!"
Nodoka: Well...I didn't think it would be *that* much of a
surprise. Can't a girl dress up once in a while?
Ukyou choked.
Nodoka: All you all right, dear?
Ukyou: Uh...yes, ma'am! It was just...too much tea!
Ukyou pointed at the newly-painted wall. Mrs. Saotome decided to
ignore this, being rather confused.
Nodoka: That reminds me. Dinner will be served shortly, if I can
commandeer a volunteer? Oh, hello, girls. I don't think
we've been introduced. Will you be staying for dinner?
Shampoo: I Shampoo! Shampoo help mother-in-law in kitchen as good
wife should do!
Mrs. Saotome looked taken aback by this. Ranko turned paler, if
that was possible to do. Akane looked angry. Ukyou looked at Mrs.
Saotome strangely, as if searching for something she could find
there.
Nodoka: Excuse me dear, but did you say you're a bathroom hygienic
product?
Shampoo: [puzzled] What 'high-gene-ick'? Shampoo no understand.
Nabiki: [to herself] You know, that could explain a few things
right there.
Ukyou: Excuse me...but are you...Ranma's mother?
Mrs. Saotome turned to Ukyou, obviously relieved at having someone
normal to talk to.
Nodoka: That's right, dear. And you are?
Ukyou: I'm Ukyou Kuonji. [bowing deeply] I'm so happy to be able
to finally meet you! I'm Ranma honey's fiancee!
Mrs. Saotome was extremely confused now. Ranko shook her head from
side to side, mouthing the words, "No, no."
Nodoka: Oh...that's nice, dear. Would you like some dinner?
Ukyou: [positively beaming] Oh, I'd LOVE to help you in the
kitchen! You know, I own my own restaurant? I'm a wonderful
cook! Of course, I'd love to pick up some pointers from you!
Mrs. Saotome blinked again. She decided to table everything for a
later time.
Nodoka: Oh, good. And Akane? Will you still be helping?
Akane: [angry] Of course I will! Let's go!
Nodoka: Well, that leaves me with a slight problem. I really only
need two helpers. Would one of you girls volunteer to stay
behind with Ranko and the others?
Shampoo: Shampoo no let Akane poison meal by herself!
Ukyou: Well, there's no way I'm going to let *you* slip a love-
potion into Ranchan's drink!
Mrs. Saotome decided she was fated to not understand anything that
day. She did the next best thing, and pulled a Kasumi (3).
Akane: Oh...I guess, I can sit this one out.
Mr. Tendo starts crying again (#500, My Daughter Is Sacrificing
Herself So We Can All Live).
Ranma-chan: No! Akane, you've got to cook!
Akane looked incredulous. Ukyou and Shampoo looked betrayed.
Everyone else looked like they had been sentenced to the deepest,
darkest realm of Hades.
Akane: WHAT? But you hate my cooking!
Mr. Tendo: [crying] No Ranma, don't spoil her sacrifice!
Akane: [angry] DAD!
Ranma-chan: [desperately] Please, Akane!
Akane: [confused] Uh, well, okay...since you want me to...
Mr. Tendo: [crying] My poor dinner! My poor stomach!
Shampoo & Ukyou: Ranma! How dare you!
Nodoka: Ranma? Where?
Both girls looked at Mrs. Saotome, confused. Then Shampoo looked
chagrined. Ukyou still looked confused. Ranko desperately
tried to catch Ukyou's attention.
Shampoo: Oh, so sorry! Shampoo no speak good Japanese! Shampoo
mean Ran-KO...Ranko Tendo! Ha ha!
Ukyou: Uh...yeah.
Ukyou saw Ranko trying to communicate something to her. She was
mouthing something silently behind Mrs. Saotome's back.
Ukyou: [puzzled] Play?
Nodoka: What?
Ukyou: [blinking] Um, nothing.
Ranko tried again. Ukyou gamely rose to the challenge, confused.
Ukyou: Lay?
Ranko shook her head.
Ukyou: May? Nay?
Nabiki: [spotting Ranko] Fray? Say? Okay?
Panda: [sign] "I love charades!"
Soun: Oh, games before dinnertime! This reminds me of when my
dear wife was alive!
Mr. Tendo started to cry again (#183, This Reminds Me Of When My
Wife Was Alive).
Ukyou: Neigh?
Ranko desperately shook her head
Ukyou: Sleigh?
Panda: [sign] "Tray?"
Soun: England?
Everyone looked at Mr. Tendo. He went back to crying. Ranko was
frustrated. She grabbed the sign from the panda and wrote on it
quickly before showing it to Ukyou, who brightened. Ranko breathed
a sigh of relief and threw the sign away. Nabiki picked it up. It
had the word "Stay" written on it (4).
Ukyou: [smiling endearingly] Mrs. Saotome, I volunteer to stay
behind. [under her breath] For tonight, anyways.
Nodoka: That's very nice of you, dear, considering how much you
wanted to. All right, girls! Into the kitchen!
Mrs. Saotome hustled Akane and Shampoo into the kitchen.
Ukyou: Ranchan! I'm so glad you wanted to be with me alone!
Soun, Genma and Nabiki leaned in closer. Kasumi just sat there
with an innocent smile.
Ukyou: [glaring at everyone else] I said, ALONE!
Ranma-chan: Uh, Ukyou...the real reason I wanted you here was to
keep you away from my m--Mrs. Saotome.
Ukyou reacted as if she had been slapped. Tears started to form in
her eyes and she swallowed heavily.
Ukyou: But...but why, Ranchan? I thought...
Ranma-chan: Wait a sec! Ucchan, you gotta listen to me.
[whispering] My mom is gonna kill me if she finds out who I
am! Pop made some stupid promise about being a "manly man"
and now I haveta commit seppuku if she finds out! You gotta
help me keep my secret!
Ukyou gave it some thought. She nodded.
Ukyou: All right, Ranchan.
Ranma-chan: Whew, *that's* a relief! Thanks, Ucchan!
Ukyou: ...For a price.
Ranko looked at Ukyou, shocked.
Ukyou: [laughing] Just kidding! You know I'd do anything for
you, my wonderful Ranchan! Who did you think I was, Nabiki?
Nabiki: [not very amused] Ha, ha. [to herself] Your interest
rate just jumped three percent, little miss comedienne.
Ukyou gave Ranko the once-over.
Ukyou: You know, you really do look pretty like that, Ranchan.
[laughing] I'm glad I'm not competing with you for you.
Ranma-chan: Uh...thanks. [she falls silent]
Nodoka: [from the kitchen] Akane, what are you doing?
Akane: [from the kitchen] I'm just adding flour for texture!
Nodoka: [from the kitchen] That's baking powder!
Screams came from the kitchen as something caught fire with a faint
whoomph. Then the whoosh of a fire extinguisher and then the
sound of Shampoo laughing. Ranko looked depressed. Soun looked
like he was about to cry. The panda looked horrified as it
realized just what was on the menu for it tonight. Ukyou closed
her eyes in silent sympathy.
Nabiki: Well, maybe we could order out...
Akane: [from the kitchen] Oh, so you think that's funny, do you
Shampoo? Well, take this!
Several crashes emanated from the kitchen. Then silence. Then
several more crashes and a scream. Ranko looked like she was about
to cry. Soun already was (#238, My Daughter And Her Friends Are
Ruining My Dinner). Ukyou was comforting Ranko while Kasumi just
smiled. As usual.
Nabiki: Well...maybe we should *move* out instead...
There was silence as, apparently, the people in the room seriously
considered Nabiki's advice.
(1) Bet you were wondering, weren't you?
(2) A cheongsam is a chinese-style dress once popular among the
nobility of Imperial China. Shampoo occasionally wears one. It
is closed-neck and covers the torso entirely, but has long slits
down the legs (which incidentally makes it great for running or
fighting in). Usually the sleeves are cut off, either completely
or leaving short sleeves, but variants are known to exist. And
yes, the author has a hang-up for girls in cheongsam. Now shut up
and read.
(3) 'Pulling a Kasumi': To blithely ignore incidents out of your
control anyways, thus sparing yourself several hours in therapy
later on in life.
(4) Nabiki was later to throw it in the street for garbage pickup,
unable to find any real profit from the sign. Ryoga wandered by
and stared, transfixed at it until he fell asleep on the spot from
exhaustion, whereupon the garbage men came and took it away.
* * *
Nighttime at the Tendo household. All was quiet. For some reason,
Akane woke up thirsty in the middle of the night. Perhaps it was
a foreboding feeling that she couldn't shake. Perhaps it was her
martial artist's instinct coming to the fore. Then again, perhaps
it was the three cups of salt she had added to the soup (1).
Yawning, she sat up, the covers falling off her. This in turn woke
up P-Chan, who gave a sleepy "Bwee?" as his eyes opened.
Getting up, Akane looked at the clock on her desk. 1:44 a.m. She
walked over to the door and opened it, careful not to make any
noise. P-Chan, curious, got up and followed her just in time to
avoid being trapped as Akane closed her door.
Something was amiss. Akane braced for one of Happosai's lunges--
but nothing happened. Come to think of it, the old lech hadn't
been heard from in a week. He'd left on another of his panty raids
and never came back afterwards (2). Still, something was
triggering her sixth sense. Straining her other senses, she
realized what it was. Someone was crying! Triumphant, Akane
almost missed the import of this fact before she started walked
again. Stopping dead in her tracks, she listened again. A faint
sobbing, female.
P-Chan looked up at Akane, puzzled. Why was she standing in the
middle of the hallway? Did she want some pervert like Ranma to
wake up and see her dressed in her pyjamas?
Akane tried to tell where it was coming from. All she could get
was a general direction. She followed it to Nabiki's room.
Listening carefully, she heard her sister's faint snores.
Frowning, she walked over to Kasumi's door. Pausing, she listened.
Nothing; it wasn't Kasumi. But that didn't leave anyone! Was it
Nodoka? No, she was sleeping in the guest room back the other way.
But there weren't any other girls in the house. In fact, there
weren't any other people. Just Ranma and his father. Akane
stopped dead. It couldn't be. Could it?
She quietly moved along to the next door and listened. The faint
sobbing was coming from inside. It was muffled by more than the
door; Akane was surprised she had heard it so far down the hall.
Puzzled, she looked inside.
P-Chan was puzzled at first. Why was Akane listening at doors?
Was she sleepwalking? Then she stopped at Ranma's door and looked
through the keyhole. P-Chan became furious. Surely she wasn't--
no, she couldn't be--was Akane really spying on *Ranma*? That
pervert, that enemy of all women? It couldn't be. Maybe she was
making sure Ranma wasn't out on a panty raid with Happosai. Yes,
that was it. P-Chan walked along to the doorway and pushed it
ever-so-slightly open with his nose.
Akane looked inside. The keyhole wasn't very large, and it was
very hard to make out much; she was looking with tunnel vision.
All she could see was Mr. Saotome, sleeping in panda form. Well,
it obviously wasn't *him* crying. But the crying *was* coming from
inside. Akane gave a guilty start as she realized what she was
doing. She should just walk on by and pretend not to notice, she
said to herself. It was none of her business. That's when she
felt the door push open just the slightest. She stumbled and
nearly fell. A blind panic took her. What would Ranma say if he
caught her? She saw that P-Chan had pushed the door and nearly
laughed out loud in relief. Oh no you don't, she thought to
herself as she grabbed the piglet and held it to her, praying that
it wouldn't make any noise.
Meanwhile, the piglet in question was praying that moment would
never end. Being held by Akane Tendo like this was pure
Heaven...he sighed. Akane put him down on the floor. He sighed
again. Oh well. Now that he had the door open slightly, he might
as well look in on Ranma...
Akane was about to walk away, but she noticed the door had opened
ever so slightly from P-Chan's pushing. Well, now that she had
come so far, she might as well look in on Ranma...
Ranko was sobbing into her pillow, muffling it. Akane wondered how
she was breathing. She found out as Ranko raised her head
momentarily to gasp in a breath. Her eyes were red-rimmed, but
they missed the slightly widened crack between door and frame.
Akane realized Ranma must not have slept a wink all night. She was
dressed in a pair of Akane's pyjamas that Nodoka had insisted she
wear. It was much less revealing than her usual boxers and t-
shirt. Akane felt her heart tugging at her. The sight was so
pitiful that she simply had to help. But how could she explain
walking in on Ranma? She thought about that for a minute. Ah!
She could say that P-Chan wandered in when she was using the
bathroom. Now, all she had to do was get P-Chan inside. She
reached for the little piggy again.
Akane: [whispering] In you go. [it struggled] Come on...please?
For me?
P-Chan stopped struggling. Akane smiled at him.
Inside, Ranko was sobbing into her pillow. None of the others
realized how Ranma felt about all of this--what it was like, never
having had a mother for years, then coming home and realizing you'd
lost her--maybe forever. Ranma couldn't be his son to his mother,
just a niece. And thanks to a stupid promise his stupid old man
had made, by trying to be close to his mother and being a girl, he
was dooming himself to be forever apart from her.
Ranma-chan: [sobbing faintly] So stupid...stupid, stupid, stupid!
Akane stopped. Ranma was actually speaking words now. She
listened, trying to make out the faint noises. P-Chan also
stilled, as if he could understand.
And yet, he couldn't refuse her anything she asked...she *was* his
mother. And he wanted to have her say "I love you" to him. Even
if she said it to Ranko Tendo. Even the name hurt, when she said
it to him. And after that afternoon, he hated his girl form so
much more...
Ranma-chan: ...Hate her...hate her so much...
Akane tried to decide whether or not to be angry. There were only
so many females he could be talking about, after all. And she
didn't think it was Ukyou or Shampoo, somehow. Could it be Nodoka?
Or Cologne, maybe?
He wanted to be a man again, to be Ranma to his mother. But she
had asked him to try being a feminine girl for a change--for her
sake. How could he say no? So he put on makeup and wore high
heels and all sorts of other horrible things. At least it was just
that one night. But the hair...he had tried to protest, but how
could he explain without letting out his secret? Now he was
trapped in his girl form (3). He could be a girl forever. When he
didn't even know how to act as one--he came out like a tomboy that
his mom couldn't stand instead.
Ranma-chan: [sobbing, faintly] 'Jus a stupid, kawaiikune tomboy!
That was it. There was only *one* person he called kawaiikune, and
that was *her*. P-Chan looked up nervously as her grip tightened
dangerously on him. Akane turned away.
Akane: Fine! Let him drown himself in his tears for all I care,
then!
P-Chan nodded in agreement. Akane stalked away back to bed. P-
Chan didn't follow quickly enough; the door closed on his face.
Rather than make a fuss, he shrugged and decided to head off to the
washroom to change back. After all, he had a few plans to make
now...
Ranma-chan: [still sobbing] ...I'm just a stupid, kawaiikune
tomboy! Why can't she see that and leave me alone?
Akane flopped down on her bed. Now she was too angry to sleep.
Who did he think he was, anyways? If he hated her that much...!
She tossed and turned violently for a while before she calmed down
somewhat. Lying in bed, awake still, she realized belatedly that
she never *had* gotten her drink of water.
(1) Three guesses which one it was, and the first two don't count.
(2) Seeing as how the top news story of the day was the Dallas
Cheerleaders World Tour stopoff in Nerima, most of the Tendo
household was sure they'd seen the last of the old lech for at
least a month.
(3) Ranma once ate soup made from the "dragon's beard hair" in
China, which is meant to grow hair on balding men. But on young
boys who still have all their hair it has different effects; their
hair starts growing hyperactively with no known limit. It has no
effect on women, however. The only known way to stop a man's hair
from growing after having the soup is to tie your hair with a piece
of dragon's hair. In effect, it acts as a seal for his hair. It
comes into the story in episodes 70 and 71 of Nettouhen and volume
15, part 8 of the manga.
* * *
In China, a duck named Mousse had finally managed to get directions
back to Japan. With great relief, he flew up into the air in a
northeastern direction.
In the early hours of the morning, not many people were awake. If
they were, the people of Hong Kong would have seen a mass migration
of rare Chinese Peking Ducks to Nerima, Japan, definitely *not* on
their scheduled list of nesting sites.
However, as there were no observers, it was left to the Chinese
authorities the next morning to figure out what had happened to the
almost five thousand birds that represented almost all the Chinese
Peking Ducks remaining in the world.
In fact, only one human being was awake and alert at that time and
place. Unfortunately, he was a duck at the time. Also, he had no
glasses. Which meant that when he looked behind him, he saw a
bunch of grey shapes. Like clouds.
Mousse hummed idly to himself as he flew through the clouds towards
the distant islands of Japan.
End of Part Two
