* * *


Part Three


* * *

After falling asleep only hours before due to a long and strenuous
night of crying--when you were continuously afraid of others
finding out, especially one particularly large panda sleeping right
next to you--what is the worst possible thing to wake up to?

The answer, as Ranma found out, is a morning person.

Nodoka: [shaking Ranko gently and singing] Good morning,
sleepyeyes!

Genma woke up instantly. He would have screamed had he been able
to. However, being a panda, he just gave a choked 'growf' which
his wife paid no attention to.

One of Mr. Saotome's recurring nightmares was his wife tracking him
down him while he was sleeping. They usually ended with her
standing over him with a katana. As a result, Mr. Saotome had more
than the usual case of morning jitters, and promptly ran out of the
room.

Ranma also suffered from this particular nightmare occasionally.
Today however, Ranko only stirred slightly, exhausted from her long
evening. Despite a rather heavy panda running out of the room over
her sleeping body. In fact, it only barely registered on her
consciousness.

Ranma-chan: Mm...wha?

Mrs. Saotome gave a beatific smile that would have done Kasumi
proud.

Nodoka: It's ten in the morning and time to get up! We let you
sleep in 'til now, but you really must get up. It's a
Saturday, and the world is full of brightness and beauty! All
out there waiting for you to discover...so wakey, wakey, my
little angel!

Ranko pulled the covers over her head.

Ranma-chan: Lemme alone.

Nodoka: Well, you certainly are a tough one in the morning, aren't
you? I wonder how Kasumi gets you up for school... [she
thinks for a moment] I hate to do it, but I guess I'll just
have to use this bucket of hot wat--

Ranko was out of bed and dressed faster than you can say 'Matero-
scopomorphoandrophobia' (1). Nodoka laughed.

Nodoka: I'm sorry, Ranko, but you were so difficult to get up, and
the day is growing old as we speak. Since you don't have
school today, I was hoping we could do a few things together.

Ranko nervously looked around for the bucket of hot water.

Ranma-chan: Things?

Nodoka: Well...to begin with, you need a whole new wardrobe! Not
to mention jewelry...makeup...and we have to talk about a few
thinks. Honestly! You'd think you'd never even heard of a
period!

Ranko was halfway back to sleep, sensing the danger past, if it
ever was there in the first place.

Ranma-chan: The thing at the end of a sentence?

Nodoka: [counting on her fingers] Then of course, we should go to
a beautician's and have your ears pierced...and we'll have to
practice walking, and eating...and I'd love to spend some time
just talking, like girlfriends.

Ranma-chan: Girlfriends?

Nodoka took a closer look at Ranko. Ranko's eyes were red-rimmed
and her eyes weren't focusing. She had lines drawn all over her
face.

Nodoka: Good heavens! You look terrible! Are you coming down
with something?

Mrs. Saotome bent down and checked Ranko's forehead. She stood
back up.

Nodoka: Well, there's no fever...but you're awfully pale, and
you've got bags under your eyes. Did you sleep all right?

Ranma-chan: Uh, well...

Nodoka: It must be the futon; I can't imagine sleeping on it is
good for your back, anyways. You should be in a bed.

Ranma-chan: But...

Nodoka: Hush, I know, dear. The Tendos don't have enough to go
around. Well, not to worry; there's one in my room; we can
share. Now, wouldn't you like that?

Ranko fainted.


(1) "Fear of having your mother see you change into a male". No,
really.

* * *

Darkness. Somehow, it seemed awfully familiar to Ranma. Like a
close friend. He seemed to be coming here often enough these days.
Strangely, he couldn't seem to remember his way around. He started
looking around himself. Darkness. He shook his head, disgusted
with himself. What *else* was he expecting to find? Then he
realized, it wasn't just his head being shaken...

To give Ranma credit, when he opened his eyes and saw his mother,
he didn't scream.

Of course, as Nabiki's video footage would later testify to, Ranma
*did* jump ten feet in the air from a prone position and latch onto
the ceiling with all his strength.

Or rather, her strength, as Ranko belatedly realized, once again...

Nodoka: [looking up] Oh, my.

Nabiki: [to herself] I wonder if Guiness has a record for this...

Akane: [to herself] What a dope.

Ranma-chan: [from the ceiling] I heard that! Who're you calling
a dope, you tomboy!

Akane: [getting angry] What! Why you...you...JERK!

Ranko wiggled her hands while simultaneously sticking out her
tongue at Akane.

Ranma-chan: Nyaaaah!

Ranko abruptly realized something was wrong. Perhaps it was the
fact that she needed all four arms and legs to stay attached to the
ceiling. That might explain why the floor was rushing to meet her.

There was a jarring thud, and everyone winced.

Akane: What a dope.

Ranma-chan: Urrrrrg...

* * *

On the street below, Ryoga chuckled to himself as he exulted in the
fact that today he, Ryoga Hibiki, would at long last have his
revenge upon Ranma Saotome! He strode down the street, his
destination firmly in mind. As soon as he reached the Tendo dojo,
Ranma would pay...

It should come as a surprise to absolutely no one when Ryoga found
himself looking at Ukyo's Okinomiyaki-ya (1), Ucchan's, instead.

He was still standing there looking puzzled when Ukyou left her
shop. She looked at Ryoga blocking the way out. He was oblivious
to the problem. Or for that matter, her. Ukyou considered using
her spatula to clear him out of her path, but decided against
performing random acts of violence before breakfast.

Ukyou: Hey Ryoga! What's up?

Ryoga turned around and saw Ukyou, apparently for the first time in
the five minutes he'd been standing there.

Ryoga: Oh, hello Ukyou. I'm trying to get to the Tendo dojo.
Could you tell me where to go? (2)

Ukyou smiled at Ryoga in a genuinely friendly manner.

Ukyou: It must be your lucky day, Ryoga--I'm headed there myself!
Would you like to come with me?

Ryoga: Really? Sure, that'd be great! But don't you have to stay
and run your restaurant?

Ukyou: Nope, I'm closed while Mrs. Saotome's in town.

Ukyou smiled at Ryoga. Ryoga smiled at Ukyou. Then a nasty
suspicion hit Ukyou, perhaps spurred on by the lack of violence in
the last fifteen minutes, which was suspicious in itself.

Ukyou: Say Ryoga, why do you want to go to the dojo? Going to ask
Akane out while Ranma's away?

Ryoga: Me? [blushing furiously] No, I was just going to
challenge Ranma...

Ukyou: [to herself] I should have known. [to Ryoga] Oopsie!
You know what? I forgot to wash my hair!

Ryoga: Oh, don't worry. I'll wait for you.

Ukyou: But it could take hours! [overriding Ryoga's response to
this] Don't worry, I'll give you exact directions! Heck,
I'll even give you a map!

Ukyo ran into the restaurant for a second, returning with a map.

Ukyou: There you go! 100% guaranteed infallible!

Ryoga: Thanks, Ukyou!

Ryoga looked at the map. It was a very nice map, full of streets
and signs and names and directions and everything you could
possibly ask for in a map short of computerized assistance. It was
also not in Japanese.

Ryoga: Er...Ukyou, why is this in french?

Ukyou looked chastised.

Ukyou: Um...so you can ask for directions if you get lost in
France?

Ryoga: Oh! That makes sense. I could have used a map like this
last week.

Ukyou looked at him strangely, but decided not to ask.

Ryoga: Well, see you later, after I destroy Ranma!

Ukyou: Bye-bye! Good luck! [to herself] What an idiot.

Ukyou smiled and put up the 'closed' sign on her restaurant before
leaving with a whistle and a spring in her step for the Tendo home.

Ryoga was walking in the opposite direction.


(1) Restaurant specializing in okinomiyaki. Okinomiyaki are
similar to pancakes but often have pizza-like toppings or sauces on
them. A recipe for okinomiyaki can be found in Hikaru Ichinhohei's
"A Son's Duty" (which is worth reading for its own sake as well).

(2) That line just begs to be exploited. But I resisted my darker
nature and ignored it, because Ukyou's just too sweet and nice to
say anything like that. Who else thinks I'm developing a crush on
her, raise your hands.

* * *

Mrs. Saotome looked up from where she was examining Ranko.

Nodoka: [in a doubtful tone] Well, there doesn't *seem* to be
anything broken...

Nabiki: Oh, don't worry about her. Her head's the hardest part of
her body.

Nodoka: Well...all right. Now, girls. I'd like to speak to Ranko
alone, if you don't mind.

Nabiki grumbled something under her breath. Akane caught something
about 'deja vu'. Nodoka firmly shut the door behind them. And
turned off Nabiki's video camera. She sighed. Perhaps she should
have a nice long talk with Nabiki next.

Ranma-chan: [holding her head] Ow.

Nodoka: Now I'm certain you're not well. It's a shame to waste a
beautiful day like today, but there's always Sunday. We can
go shopping then. I was going to have a talk with you later,
but since you're obviously not up to it...

Ranma-chan: Hey! Who says I'm not? I'm ready for anything!

Nodoka: Oh, would you like to go shopping, then?

Ranma-chan: Uhhh...

Nodoka: [smoothly] I didn't think so. Honestly, Ranko--fainting,
looking pale, you're in no shape to do anything! You should
be in bed.

Ranma-chan: But...

Nodoka: No 'buts' about it! You march in there right now, young
lady!

Ranko had a begrieved look on her face. Mrs. Saotome softened,
sympathizing with her.

Nodoka: Oh, don't worry. I'll bring up your meals to you, give
you a few pillows to lie on, and come by to talk every hour!

Ranma-chan: [gloomily] I can hardly wait. [looking up] Talking?
About what?

Nodoka: Well...[blushing] Actually, I was hoping you'd talk to
*me*.

Ranma-chan: Huh?

Nodoka: I...I was wondering if you could tell me about Ranma.

* * *

Ranko seemed to be having trouble with the phrase.

Ranma-chan: Tell you...about Ranma?

Nodoka: [blushing] Yes...if you don't mind. It's just...I
haven't seen him since he was a baby...and I miss him...
so...much...

Mrs. Saotome started to cry. Ranko was horrified.

Ranma-chan: Don't cry! Uh...

Ranko looked around. There was nobody else around. She hesitantly
enfolded her mother in a hug. Mrs. Saotome hugged back, smiling
sadly.

Ranma-chan: Um...I'd love to talk about Ranma!
He's...uh...he's...the best martial artist I know of! [Nodoka
looked at her] And he's brave, and honourable, and nice, and
smart, and strong, and [she runs out of things to say] brave,
and, uh, strong, and...

Nodoka: [smiling] I get the picture. But, well...I was hoping
you'd tell me more of...well...who he is, not what he is. I
want to know the real him. I want to know my son. I just
wish I could meet him.

Ranma-chan: [whispering] I wish you could, too.

Nodoka: [looking at Ranko] What was that?

Ranma-chan: Uh, he told me that he wishes he could, too.

Nodoka: Oh...that's a relief, in a way. I was...well...it's
silly, I suppose, but I was beginning to think that he and
Genma were...well, avoiding me. I don't think I could take it
if they hated me.

Ranma-chan: I don't hate you!

Nodoka: Why, thank you, Ranko.

Ranma-chan: Guh. I mean...Ranma doesn't hate you, either! He
told me!

Mrs. Saotome smiled broadly.

Nodoka: Really? What a relief!

Ranma-chan: Do you really think so?

Nodoka: Of course! I was beginning to think he and Genma had
taken vows of silence, from all everyone else will tell me
about them! It's wonderful to talk to someone who actually
knows him. Tell me, do you two get along?

Ranma-chan: Oh, yes! We're...we're...best friends! Inseparable!
We do the same things, like the same things, have the same
friends! We even sleep together! [her eyes cross] Uh...I
didn't mean that like it sounded. [she looks at Mrs. Saotome,
but she appears not to have reacted to it] Like sister and
brother, I mean!

Nodoka: [wistfully] What is he like?

Ranma-chan: Er...he's a lot like me...like twins, kinda.

Nodoka: But what is he *like*? I don't know you half as well as
I'd like to sometimes, Ranko.

Ranma-chan: ...

Nodoka: I tell you what. I'll make you a deal. While I'm here,
we'll do things together, so I can get to know you...and in
return...

Mrs. Saotome's face suddenly contorted into a mischievous look.
Ranko blinked, unsure if she was hallucinating.

Nodoka: ...I won't force you to dress up in high heels again!
I've never seen anybody hate them so much in my life!

Ranma-chan: I don't *hate* them...I mean, not really...I mean, how
did you know?

Nodoka: Call it...a mother's intuition.

Ranko opened her mouth. Rather than her high-pitched voice,
however, a low male one came out.

Ryoga: Ranma! Come out and fight like a man! BAKUSAI
TENKETSU (1)!!

There was the roar of an explosion.


(1) Blasting point technique taught to Ryoga by Cologne. Used by
the Chinese construction industry, for use on rocks only.

* * *

Ryoga looked around, satisfied. The yard was something of a mess
after he blew up the boulder in the centre of it. For that matter,
'something of a mess' was a gross understatement. More of a war
zone, actually. Yes, he was quite proud of himself. If *this*
didn't get Ranma to come running...

Ryoga stopped. You know, when he took a closer look, something
didn't look quite right. And come to think of it, when had the
Tendos gotten a pink flamingo for their pool? Oops. Ryoga flushed
red. He was just about to sneak away when he heard a voice from
behind him.

Ranma-chan: Yo, Ryoga! What's up? Are you finished beating up on
the neighbours yet?

Ryoga looked around. The entire Tendo family was outside their
house watching him. He was next door. The Tendo part of the yard
was relatively untouched. Well, there were pieces of rock strewn
across it, but overall nowhere near as bad as the part Ryoga was
standing in. He cleared his throat.

Ryoga: Ha, Ranma! Today is the day you will die!

Ukyou: [in shock] I can't believe it! He made it here!

Ranma-chan: Ha yourself, pig-boy! I'm ready for you anytime!

Ukyou: [still in shock] But that was a map of Paris!

Mrs. Saotome stepped in between Ranko and Ryoga. Ranko's face went
through surprise, horror and relief in quick succession. She
immediately calmed down and stood next to her mother obediently,
which turned more than a few heads.

Nodoka: Now, now, young man. What's all this about?

Ryoga: I'm not here to talk! I'm going to pay back Ranma for
making my life a living HELL!

Nodoka: [forcefully] Well, your revenge is just going to have to
wait until Ranma gets back from training.

Ukyou: [still in shock] Paris, France...as in, Europe!

Ryoga: Huh?

Ryoga looked around. Ranma was there, in her girl form again.
You'd think Ranma almost *liked* his curse. It figured. Ranma
should have been the one to be stuck as a pair of pork chops!
...So why was everyone pretending she wasn't there? And why was
Mrs. Saotome acting like she didn't even know her own son?

Ryoga: Hiding behind your mother, Saotome? That's what I'd expect
from a *girl*.

Ryoga's eyes glinted evilly. He'd been saving this for a while,
ever since he found out about Ranma crying. Perhaps this would
partially atone for all the hell Ranma had put him through.

Ryoga: ...a stupid, kawaiikune tomboy of a girl!

Ranko took a step backwards in horror. Akane turned to look at
Ranko.

Ranma-chan: No...he couldn't have...

Ukyou: It wasn't even in kanji!

Ryoga: What's the matter, Ranma? [mocking her] Are wuu tired
from cwying aww night long? [laughing] You can't take your
widdle curse like a man? [laughing louder] You can't--OOMPH!

Ranko twisted in midair and landed behind Ryoga, who still had her
footprint on his face. He toppled over.

Nodoka: Ranko!

Ranko turned and looked at Mrs. Saotome defiantly.

Nodoka: That's no way to treat a guest!

Everyone facefaulted. Ryoga took that opportunity to stand up. He
and Ranko squared off, battle aura emanating from both. Ukyou
snapped out of her shock.

Ryoga: Ha! Your kick felt like a baby's, Ranma! You're as weak
as...as a girl!

The three iinazuke (1) turned and concentrated glares on Ryoga. He
didn't notice. The two started brawling furiously.

Nodoka: [stepping in between them] Ranko! Stop that! Stop that
right now!

Ranko froze in place with a fearful expression. Ryoga kept going
and his fist hit Ranko, sending her sprawling into the dirt. Akane
winced. Ryoga could shatter rocks with one hand. That *had* to
have hurt. Ranko got up gamely, her face showing no expression,
but her battle aura still intact.

Nodoka: STOP!! [Ranko and Ryoga stopped and looked at her] Thank
you. Now, young man...I want an explanation, and I believe
Ranko deserves an apology.

Ryoga: But...

Mrs. Saotome flared up in anger. For a moment, everyone saw the
iron fist inside the glove.

Nodoka: No! You *will* apologize! Now!

Anyone who has ever imagined an angry Kasumi can well imagine the
feelings of guilt, shame and horror the target of her anger must
feel. This however wasn't Kasumi, but an older and more
experienced version of her. Ryoga's anger shrivelled and died as
he looked into her eyes. For a moment, it seemed like his
willpower would win out, but it was wiped out by his inability to
deal with females of any age.

Ryoga: ...Uh...okay.

Ryoga turned, somewhat shakily, to Ranko. He held out his hand to
her.

Ryoga: I'm sorry, Ranma...

Ranko screamed a scream of frustration. Her hands balled into
fists and her face turned to the sky, she screamed for all she was
worth. Then, using the ancient technique of 'righteous-female-
fists-of-fury' (2), she turned Ryoga into hamburger in little over
a second, screaming continuously. Then she turned and fled the
dojo in silence, leaving a light, sparkling trail of tears behind
her.

Silence reigned in Ranko's wake. Ukyou, Shampoo and Akane were
shocked at Ranma crying. Mrs. Saotome was simply shocked by
Ranko's behaviour in general, not to mention this new boy. Nabiki
was shocked that she hadn't been the first to find out about one of
Ranma's weaknesses (so she could sell it to the highest bidder).
Genma (still in panda form) was shocked that his son had managed to
learn a new martial arts manoeuvre, and Mr. Tendo was shocked by
the sorry state of his yard. Ryoga was merely unconscious.

Akane began to run after Ranko. A hand fell on her shoulder. Her
father loomed over her with a rake in his hand, demon head and all.

Soun: And just *where* do you think you're going? The yard is a
mess!

Akane: Is that all you can think about? Clean up yourself!

Soun dissolved into tears (#160, My Youngest Daughter Yelled At
Me). Akane ignored him and ran out the gates, after a fleeing
Ranko.


(1) 'Iinazuke' = Fiancee or fiancees (female). In this case
Shampoo, Akane and Ukyou. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

(2) Come on, you mean you've never wondered why any female who's
feeling particularly angry at a dumb male in a Takahashi anime is
able to beat said male up without resistance, regardless of the
guy's normal ability to dodge, block or hit back? This special
technique is passed down from mother to daughter in Japan and only
works when the female knows the male well (it can't be just a
passing stranger, someone who's kidnapped you, or anytime it might
actually come in useful). If you happen to know a Japanese female
or *are* a Japanese female, please don't hit me. I was only
kidding. Please.

* * *

Mousse had never believed how relieved he would be when he finally
landed on Japanese soil. Around him and unbeknownst to him,
several thousand of his fellow mallards settled down. He had asked
them for directions to Japan and had had to explain what it was to
them. They, in turn, thought it would make a great vacation spot.
That could cause problems later on, especially if and when Mousse
ever got his glasses back so he could see them there.

But for now, Mousse was almost deliriously happy. Which is why he
never noticed the two men who walked up to him before they knocked
him out.

* * *

Ranko fled into the city uncaring of where she went or who saw her.

It didn't really matter anyways, she couldn't see very well. She
had only cried for a few seconds, but somehow her eyes were full of
tears. She just ran without thought. Now she was lost. Slowing
to a walk, she wiped her eyes clear and took a look around.

She was in the business sector of the city. Tall buildings and
skyscrapers competed for attention with ritzy bars and restaurants.

Both were losing to the spectacle of a young girl with red hair
running over rooftops. Ranko blushed as she realized who everyone
was looking at and quickly turned down the first alleyway she came
to.

She leaned against the nearest wall, breathing heavily. Trust
Ryoga to be even stupider than she had thought possible. She
sighed and looked around her. Well, time to go home. She had
already made a mess of things. She shrugged and started forward.
A sudden movement tugged at the corner of her eye. Ranko froze.
She waited, not so much listening or looking as *feeling* for other
people. Nothing. She relaxed. She *had* been under some strain
recently. It was to be expected.

Ranko walked forward. Movement. This time she was ready for it,
though. Ranko leapt into the air, spinning around in a circle.
She landed, fists out and ready, facing her opponent.

Her opponent was a wall. Like many walls on the skyscrapers
downtown, it was polished metal, giving a mirror-like quality to
it. Ranko saw her reflection staring at her; a pretty, red-haired
girl with a smudged face. Ranko laughed at herself. She walked
forward and looked at herself closer. One shoe had fallen off, she
noticed absently. Suddenly it was too much to bear.

Ranma-chan: TENSHIN AMIGURIKEN!!

Her fists smashed against her reflection again and again. Soon it
became difficult to see it through the tears that flowed freely
down her face. Good.

* * *

Akane was just about to give up and go home. Ranko could have gone
anywhere, she admitted to herself. Why couldn't she run normally,
rather than over rooftops like some...some kind of circus acrobat?
Akane sighed. Someone ought to tell her to come home, anyways.
Akane firmly convinced herself that was all she was here for.
Which brought to mind the question, where exactly *was* 'here'?

Akane looked around her. The business sector. She almost laughed.

Ranma, coming here? Nabiki maybe, but Ranma? She'd be better off
checking the bridge by the river...Ranma liked to go there
sometimes when he wanted to be alone. Then she heard Ranko shout.
She turned and ran towards the sound.

* * *

Ranko was in an alley, hitting a wall. Well, that was a relief.
Akane had been afraid she'd find Ranko beating up some poor
passerby, or even worse, being attacked by some punks. She
breathed a sigh of relief.

Akane: Ranma?

Ranma-chan: IhateyouIhateyouIhateyou! WHAMWHAMWHAM

Akane: What?

Ranma-chan: IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyou!
WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM

Akane waved a hand in front of Ranko's eyes.

Akane: Hello? Ranma? Anybody home?

Ranma-chan: I HATE YOU!! WHAM!

Akane: [angry] Well, you can just ROT here for all I care!!

Akane decked Ranko with her fists and stormed away.

As she left, the bank manager whose wall had been punched
continuously for something like a minute stepped out of a side
exit.

Bank Manager: Hey! You punks quit banging on my building!
[seeing Ranko] Oh my! [seeing the wall actually indented]
AIEEE! MY WALL! [calming down] I wonder if insurance covers
it? [shaking Ranko] Hey! Hey kid! You okay? Look, where
do you live? I'll call a taxi for you, okay?

Ranma-chan: Umm? The Tendo dojo. [to herself] Well...I guess I
*should* go back. After all, it's not like Ryoga actually
*told* her my curse. Yeah! [looking cheerful] I bet she
doesn't even believe a word he said, anyways! I can just go
back and say he lied! I don't even have to mention the curse
at all!

The bank manager looked at Ranko as if she had grown a second head.
After checking just to make sure, Ranko realized she had been
speaking out loud. She blushed.

Ranma-chan: Oh...uh...I'll just walk. Heh.

Ranko smiled, dusted herself off, and walked away.

Bank Manager: Why did I quit my job at Kronos? Sure, there was
the chance of an incidental decapitation, but overall it was
nice and quiet...nothing at all like this place.

* * *

Ryoga woke up. He had a headache now. Vaguely he wondered how
Ranma could stand being pummelled by Akane every day. Ranma! That
made him sit up, which did interesting things to his headache.
Ukyou and Shampoo were sitting cross-legged in front of him. They
didn't look very pleased.

Ukyou: [in a flat voice] Ranma's not here, Ryoga.

Ryoga blushed. He hadn't realized he'd said that out loud.
Actually, come to think of it, he hadn't. He wondered how Ukyou
knew what he was thinking.

Shampoo: Ranma go very far away.

Ryoga: Oh, did he run away from me again?

Ukyou: Ryoga, Ranma wasn't here.

Ryoga: But I saw...

Shampoo: Ryoga see Ranko.

Ryoga: But...

Ukyou: But she looks a lot like Ranma. Yes, we know. But she's
not, really!

Ryoga: [astonished] Really?

Ukyou nodded empathetically to Ryoga. She also crossed her fingers
behind her back.

Ukyou: Uh-huh. Cross my heart and hope to die!

Ryoga: Wow, then she must be...

Ryoga searched his mind for a moment, struggling at the concept.
He gave up. Luckily, Shampoo saved him from showing his ignorance.

Shampoo: She Akane cousin.

Ryoga: Really? [panicking] You mean I just beat up Akane's
cousin?!

Ukyou: It looked more like she beat *you* up. But yeah,
essentially you've got it.

Ryoga: Oh no! What will Akane think of me now?

Shampoo: Ryoga no worry about violent tomboy.

Ukyou: Yeah, Ryoga...I tell you what. I'll clear everything with
Akane for you.

Ryoga: [hopefully] Really?

Ukyou: But in return, I need you to do me something.

Ryoga: Anything! Just name it!

Shampoo: Ryoga go get special ingredient for potion. Is called
'Bird of Paradise feathers'. You get for Shampoo, okay?

Ryoga: Right! No problem! You can count on me!

Ryoga ran out of the room.

Ukyou: [to Shampoo] 'Bird of Paradise feathers'?

Shampoo smirked and crossed her arms smugly.

Shampoo: It no exist. Shampoo make sure he stay away very long
time even if find dojo again.

Ukyou: [doubtfully] I dunno, Shampoo. I gave him a false map and
he followed it straight here. It seems like every time we
*try* to get rid of him, he just comes back sooner than if we
left him alone. [gnawing on her lip] He reminds me of a
boomerang. You just can't get rid of him when you try.

Ryoga poked his head into the room.

Ryoga: Uh...which way is out?

Ukyou: [moaning] It's hopeless...hopeless...

Shampoo: [sighing] Here. I help you find way out.

Shampoo walked out, holding Ryoga's hand tightly. Ukyou turned
around. Only now do we see that Mrs. Saotome is also in the room,
sitting behind where Ryoga was lying. Ukyou is still crossing her
fingers behind her back.

Ukyou: You see, Mrs. Saotome? I told you he had a vision problem.
Without his glasses, all he sees are colours and shapes. He
even talks to plants, thinking they're people!

Nodoka: Yes, I see that you're right. Still, he said some strange
things, didn't he? What was that about a curse?

A big sweat drop formed on Ukyou's head. She thought quickly.

Ukyou: Uh, he meant that anyone who dared to cross him must be
cursed because he'll kill them. He's from a samurai family
and he's a little bit...um...carried away, sometimes.

Nodoka: Oh. It sounds like he's a little egotistical.

Ukyou: Uh, yeah, people have said that.

Nodoka: Well, I'm glad you were here to straighten things out. I
don't know what I'd do without you here, Ukyou. Thank you.

Mrs. Saotome smiled warmly at Ukyou and left.

Ukyou: [under her breath] I do. [smiling] Well, that's that.
You know, I never thought I'd be grateful for knowing Mousse
and Kuno, but they make wonderful excuses. Not to mention
case studies during Psychology class.

* * *

Mr. Tendo stopped raking. He had hit another stone. He bent down
to pick it up. When he came back up, he looked at the object in
his hands oddly.

Nabiki: [lounging on the veranda] What's that, daddy?

Soun: It...it appears to be a pair of glasses.

Nabiki: Oh, really? Let me see.

Mr. Tendo gave Mousse's glasses to his daughter and then went back
to work. Soon he forgot all about the incident. The garden needed
a lot of work.

* * *

Ranko walked in the front door with trepidation. Nothing happened.

She walked into the living room. No one was there.

Ranma-chan: [very faintly] I'm home!

Nothing stirred.

Ranma-chan: [loudly] I'm *home*!

Nobody answered. Ranko got irritated.

Ranma-chan: HEY! IS ANYONE GONNA PAY ATTENTION TO ME, OR WHAT?

Mrs. Saotome walked out of the kitchen, smiling. Ranko suddenly
remembered exactly *why* she had been nervous about returning.

Nodoka: Why hello, Ranko. Feeling better now?

Ranma-chan: Uh...you could say that. About Ryoga...

Nodoka: Oh, don't worry. Ukyou explained Ryoga and Ranma to me.

Ranko did a doubletake.

Ranma-chan: She did?

Nodoka: Yes, she did, although I wouldn't mind talking to you
about a few things. Your standing up for Ranma is very sweet,
Ranko. But he should fight his own battles. And what was all
that about you crying to sleep?

Ranma-chan: [thinking desperately] ...

Nodoka: [sighing] It's all right, Ranko. Just remember, if you
ever want to talk to someone, I'm here.

Mrs. Saotome smiled a bit sadly and walked back into the kitchen to
oversee dinner.

* * *

Some time later in the kitchen, a struggle of titanic proportions
was taking place. That is, Shampoo, Akane and Ukyou were making
dinner, having since duped Mrs. Saotome into the belief that they
were capable of doing so. To be entirely correct, the three girls
were not making dinner. Akane was *trying* (and failing) to make
dinner, Shampoo was trying to drug dinner, and Ukyou was trying to
stop the other two from doing what they were doing. Between the
three dinner had become more than a task. It had become an
odyssey.

But five hours after the beginning of the nightmare, the herculean
task was almost finished. Unfortunately, 'almost' only counts in
horseshoes and hand grenades (1). Still, one could almost
breathe a sigh of relief. All that remained now were the final
touches. But of course, each person believed in slightly differing
final touches as well.

Akane put a sprig of parsley on top of each plate. Except that the
parsley was actually seaweed. Which is quite edible and tasty,
unless the main course is sweet and sour pork. Ukyou made a little
heart shape on Ranma's plate out of extra sauce. When Akane wasn't
looking, she poured an entire bottle of hot sauce on Akane's plate.

Shampoo pulled a little bottle out of someplace unmentionable and
opened the stopper. She then liberally poured the contents over
Ranma's food, and then tossed the empty bottle over her shoulder.

The bottle hit Akane on the head.

Akane: OW! Hey, Shampoo, are you trying to start a fight?

Shampoo: Violent girl challenge Shampoo?

Shampoo assumed a defensive posture. Akane did likewise. Ukyou
leaned down to pick the bottle up. She held it up to the light.

Ukyou: Uh, Akane...is this what I think it is?

Akane turned around to look.

Akane: Hmm? [spotting the bottle] Hey! What is this, Shampoo?
Are you trying to poison me again?

Shampoo: [gloating] Shampoo make Ranma love her! Put special
love potion in dinner! Then Ranma marry Shampoo!

Akane and Ukyou looked at each other. Then they looked at Shampoo.

Akane took a glass of water and threw it at Shampoo.
Simultaneously, Ukyou took out her mega-spatula and caught the
changing Shampoo-Neko on it. Akane opened the window. Ukyou
tossed Shampoo through it. Akane closed the window. The two shook
hands.

Akane: But now what? Dinner's so late, we can't afford to make it
over again! Unless you know which part she drugged?

Ukyou: Probably something Ranma couldn't miss, like...Come to
think of it, Ranma eats everything.

Akane: [sighing] So it's hopeless.

Mousse: Not so, Akane Tendo!

The two girls turned around. Mousse stood in the kitchen proudly,
albeit somewhat shakily. He looked even worse than usual after a
beating from Shampoo. But at long last, he was in human form
again.

Ukyou: Mousse! Where did you come from? No, cancel that. What
happened to you?

Mousse: I changed back to human form in a restaurant.
Unfortunately, I didn't have my clothes nearby. [blushing]
They threw me out for indecent exposure. Luckily, I had my
weapons on me.

Ukyou gave Mousse an unreadable look.

Ukyou: Where could you hide...? Never mind, I don't want to know.

Akane: So what's with the earring?

Mousse blushed again. That brought up a sore point with him,
literally. The men from the Ministry of the Environment had radio-
tagged him in duck form, and he had yet to find a way of taking the
stupid thing off.

Mousse: It's...uh...part of a new technique I'm developing.
[Akane raised an eyebrow] Uh...'razor-earring-
surprise-throw'.

Ukyou cleared her throat.

Ukyou: You said you could help us?

Mousse: There is no way I can let Shampoo enchant Ranma! If that
were to happen, I would...I would...

Akane: [shouting] Never mind that, Mousse! Can you help us or
not?

Mousse: I can indeed, Akane Tendo. Does the bottle have a number
on it?

Ukyou looked at the label. She read it out loud.

Ukyou: Five...One...Nine.

Mousse: Ah, the classic love charm. Luckily, I have the
instructions for the countercharm right here.

Mousse pulled an ancient-looking scroll out of his robes. He
perused through it for a second, then looked up.

Mousse: Just as I thought! We need number Four One Six.

Mousse handed the scroll to a plant hanging from the ceiling.
Ukyou turned him the right way and took the scroll from him.

Ukyou: Mousse, this is in Chinese!

Mousse: Oh, sorry. [holding his hand out to the stove] Here, let
me have it. I'll read it for you.

Akane: What about your glasses?

Mousse: I lost them, but don't worry. I can read just fine.

Mousse looked at the parchment in front of him. He couldn't see
anything, but he remembered recipe number Four One Six perfectly.
Or was it number Six Four One? Whatever. Well, he remembered that
you needed a spoonful of oregano. Wait. Oregano? That didn't
sound right. They must have meant passion spice. That made sense
for a countercharm. Who ever heard of putting oregano into a magic
potion?

Mousse: Okay. The first thing we need is some passion spice.

Akane: Where are we going to get...

Ukyou: [sheepishly] I have some with me.

Akane: WHAT?!

Mousse: Good. Now, some pickled cabbage, hair of dog, three tears
from a virgin...


(1) Actually, that's a lie. In the Ranmaverse, 'almost'
counts in horseshoes and Akane's cooking. Hand grenades are
restricted in Japan as 'illegal weapons'. Some people, usually
those invited to try her cookies, believe that Akane's culinary
produce should be restricted as well, perhaps under the category of
'biological weapons'.

* * *

The Tendo family was seated in the dining room. Everyone was
wondering what was taking dinner so long, but nobody wanted to be
the first to complain. Except, of course, Mr. Saotome. But he had
wisely decided against it after thinking about what his wife would
do if she figured out who he was. To everyone's relief, Akane
poked her head out of the kitchen.

Soun: Ah, Akane! Is dinner ready yet?

Akane: Um, not yet, daddy. We're just giving it one final touch.
Say, Kasumi, do we have any eye of newt?

Kasumi: [blinking] Why, no.

Nodoka: [frowning] Why on earth would you need...

Akane frowned, then brightened.

Akane: No problem! I'll just substitute eel. They're like newts,
right?

Akane ran back into the kitchen.

Big drops of sweat appeared on everyone's head.

* * *

Akane and Ukyou came in with dinner. If anyone noticed the absence
of Shampoo, they were smart enough not to comment. Mousse was also
absent. When Akane had found him with adding poison to something,
she had splashed water on him and thrown him out the window. Akane
frowned absently. She really should have asked where he had put it
before she did that. Oh well. She had put a package of instant
antidotes into Ranma's drink (the Tendo family had gotten used to
such things with Kodachi and Shampoo around). That should do it,
right?

She failed to notice the soy milk turn purple and start bubbling.

Everyone looked at the feast before them hungrily.

Nabiki: Wow, everything looks great!

Everyone began eating. Ranko ate with great gusto as well, despite
everything her mother had tried to teach her. Nodoka decided to
stay silent this time.

Unbeknownst to anyone sitting at the table, Ranma's dinner was a
minefield. Shampoo's love potion warred with Mousse's poison in
his rice, while the potion countercharm in the pork seethed,
waiting its turn. Then there was the antidote in his drink.
Unfortunately for Ranma, the countercharm was doomed from the very
beginning. Besides getting the number wrong, Mousse misread every
single item--from the wrong list. On a good day, all these wrongs
might have added up to a successful attempt. But in the
Ranmaverse, good days came once a year. Then of course, Akane
cooked it, which was enough on its own to cause heart failure. The
potion-poison mixture would have become harmless were it not for
the special heart-shaped sauce Ukyou had drawn on it, which mutated
it into a hybrid form. This precipitate then reacted badly to
Akane's cooking (a not uncommon reaction), which was--as usual--
highly dangerous. As for the poison antidote, well, upon contact
with the soy milk in Ranma's glass it formed a very interesting
precipitate which induced hallucinations. This was written in a
bright red warning on the side of the box and packet, but Akane had
neglected to read it. The makers of the product felt that nobody
would be foolish enough to drink a foaming purple liquid, anyways.

Ranko was shovelling pork into her face. She stopped. Her face
was turning a mild shade of green. It must be Akane's cooking.
She switched to the rice. After all, Akane couldn't screw up
everything, could she? Her face turned red. Her mouth was on
fire! She grabbed her glass and drained it in one gulp, neglecting
to notice the bright colour. Her face turned white and she toppled
over backwards, unconscious.

Kasumi looked at the unconscious Ranko.

Kasumi: Oh, my.

* * *

Ranma woke up. He saw his mother. He remembered that 'he' was a
she, and decided not to scream. By the time Ranko realized this,
though, she had already flung her hands over her face in self-
defence. She looked up sheepishly. Everyone was looking down at
her. She sat up.

Kasumi: Oh, my. Are you all right, Ranko?

Ranko's eyes glazed slightly as she turned to look at Kasumi.

Ranma-chan: Yes, I think so, Kasumi.

Nabiki: You really are pathetic, Ranko.

Ranma-chan: [angry] Who are you calling pathetic?

Nabiki raised an eyebrow at Ranko.

Nabiki: Who do you think?

Ranma-chan: I think you're calling me pathetic.

Nabiki: [taken aback] Uh...that's right.

Ranma-chan: [angry] HEY! What's going on here? I didn't say
that!

Ukyou: Are you *sure* you're feeling all right, Ranchan?

Ranma-chan: No, not really.

Nodoka: Perhaps you should lie down for a while. Don't you think
that would be a good idea?

Ranma-chan: Yeah, I think so.

Nabiki: [to herself] It looks like she's been hypnotized. I
wonder... [out loud] Ranko, please give me the five hundred
thousand yen you owe me.

Ranma-chan: WHAT?!? I don't owe you nothing, Nabiki!

Nabiki: [to herself] Well, it's not that. What, then? [to
Ranko] Whoops, you're right. Sorry about that!

Ranma-chan: You were trying to pull one over me!

Nodoka: Now, girls. Let's not fight.

Nabiki: So what if I was?

Ranma-chan: So that's dishonourable and cruel.

Nabiki: [to herself] Ah-ha, I've got it! Let's see... [out loud]
how do you feel about me, Ranko?

Ranma-chan: I think you're a greedy, heartless, calculating witch!

Ranko clapped a hand over her mouth, horrified. Her mother was no
less in shock, for different reasons.

Nodoka: [faintly] Ranko!

Nabiki: [grinning] And how do you feel about Akane's cooking?

Ranma-chan: It's gotta be the worst stuff on earth.

Akane: WHAT?!? HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY COOKING?!?

Akane grabbed for her hammer, which was lying in nearby
Hammerspace.

Nabiki: And what do you think of Ukyou's cooking?

Ranma-chan: I love it.

Akane: YOU JERK!

Akane proceeded to pummel Ranko to tiny pieces with her mallet.
Ukyou clasped her hands together in happiness.

Ukyou: Really, Ranchan?

Nabiki: [ignoring Akane] What would you do if I put a cat on your
head?

Ranma-chan: [being pummelled] Ow! I'd, ow! Scream. Hey! And
run away. Ouch!

Akane stopped pummelling him, puzzled. Normally the victim of one
of her assaults was too busy to answer questions.

Nabiki: What did you get on your last exam?

Ranma-chan: A forty-six.

Panda: [sign] "What? You said you got seventy five!"

Akane & Ukyou: [catching on] ...A truth drug?!?

Ukyou: [quickly] Ranchan, how do you feel about me?

Akane: [just as quickly] Ranko, which fiancee do you love the
most?

Ranma-chan: I love...

Akane and Ukyou leaned closer. Ranko slammed her fist into her
mouth. To her horror, she could still feel her mouth trying to
speak around her fist.

Ranma-chan: ...mmprgh mmmph mmhh!

Akane and Ukyou glared at each other.

Ukyou: [slowly, without taking her gaze off Akane] Which one of
us do you love?

Ukyou grabbed Ranko's hands away from her. Ranko looked at her,
terrified.

Ranma-chan: [struggling] I love my mother.

Akane and Ukyou: WHAT?

Nabiki: Well, you did say 'us'. Apparently the answer is open to
interpretation.

Soun: Ranko! Do you love my daughter?

Ranko stuffed her fist back into her mouth and backed away from
everyone. She was slowly being surrounded.

Ukyou: Ranchan! Who are you going to marry?

Akane: Why don't you like my cooking, Ranko?

Nabiki: What deep, dark secrets do you have that I can blackmail
you for?

Nodoka: [sharply] STOP IT! Stop it at once!

Mrs. Saotome swept the room with her withering glare.

Nodoka: I'm ashamed of you all! Especially you, Tendo-kun. You
should know better! Treating Ranko like this when she's in
such a state, taking advantage of her! Haven't any of you
considered how she must be feeling about this? Would any of
you want to be in her place?

She looked Ukyou in the eyes until Ukyou looked away, ashamed. She
turned to Akane and she in turn dropped her gaze. She looked in
turn at each person in the room until they turned away.

Nodoka: That's better. Right now, there's only one question that
needs to be asked. So that you can all understand what you've
done. [turning to Ranko] Ranko, how do you feel about this?

Ranko started, having foolishly relaxed her defences. Before she
could stop herself, she answered.

Ranma-chan: I'm scared you'll find out my secret.

Nodoka: [startled] Why on earth would you be scared of that?

Akane and Ukyou quickly exchanged looks. Ranko's eyes widened in
terror.

Ranma-chan: Because you'll make me kill myself if I tell you!

Ranko clapped her hands over her face, but the damage had been
done. Mrs. Saotome stood up.

Nodoka: WHAT? What on earth are you talking about!?

Ukyou and Akane both grabbed Ranko simultaneously, intending to
incapacitate him. Unfortunately, this freed up Ranko's mouth.
Frozen in place, too scared to move, her mouth still worked of its
own accord.

Ranma-chan: I'm Ranma.

Everyone froze.

Nodoka: [faintly] What?

Ranko had tears of frustration and fear flowing freely down her
cheeks, but she couldn't stop her mouth from forming words.

Ranma-chan: I'm your son. I got cursed by these magic springs in
China and now I turn into a girl. When I get splashed with
cold water, I become 'Ranko'. Hot water turns me back.

Nodoka: [faintly] Why didn't you tell me?

Ranko gave up on all hope. Her life was flashing before her eyes
(1).

Ranma-chan: Because you'd make me commit seppuku.

Nodoka: [crying] I don't believe you! Why should I believe you?

Ranko almost sighed, knowing before she opened her mouth what the
answer was.

Ranma-chan: [despondently] Because I can prove it.

Nodoka: What? How?

Ranko tried to will her mouth closed. It didn't work.

Ranma-chan: I can change back with some hot water...

Akane: [shouting] Ranko, you...you...BAKA!

Everyone turned and looked at Akane.

Akane: You know you're not allowed to touch hot water, you liar!

Everyone just stared at Akane. Akane began to feel nervous under
the combined stares of the entire room. Ukyou began to get a
glimmer of comprehension.

Akane: You see, it's...um...doctor's orders. Dr. Tofu said, uh...

Ukyou: [chiming in] That Ranko's got this rare skin disorder,
called... um...

Ukyou looked pleadingly at Nabiki for help.

Nabiki: Menelo...

Nabiki looked back at Akane.

Akane: ...plasteo...

Akane looked desperately at her father.

Soun: ...um...Brazil?

Everybody facefaulted.

Ukyou: ...itis! Yeah! Meneloplasteobrazilitis! [glaring at Mr.
Tendo] The uncontrollable urge to scratch oneself all over
one's body! Hot water makes it go away, but only for a while!
Then it comes back ten times worse!

Ranko looked up, given new hope. Akane and Ukyou looked at each
other in pride for a job well done. Nodoka was still in shock.
She looked, predictably enough, shocked.

Kasumi: [innocently] That's odd, I've never heard of that one.
Dr. Tofu just lent me a book on rare skin disorders, and it's
not in there (2).

Everyone except Mrs. Saotome got a bead of sweat on their head.
They turned their collective gaze to Ranma's mother. Mrs. Saotome
shook off the stupor she was in and turned to Ranko. Ranko shrunk
back against Akane. For once, Akane didn't get angry. Nodoka
opened her mouth. Everyone leaned forward with expectation.

Nodoka: Really, dear...you mustn't! It will only make things
worse, after all. I'm ashamed of you, Ranko. You should know
how much I miss my son, and if such a story were true I'd have
to make him commit seppuku! Do you know what that would do to
me?

Ranko and her father both turned as white as snow. BEFORE the
traffic goes over it. Genma held up a sign.

Panda: [sign] "Do you know what that would do to ME?"

Akane: Geez, Ranko. If you had to lie about it, you could at
least come up with a *believable* lie!

Nabiki: Yeah. [laughing] 'Chinese curse'? Puh-leaze, Ranko!
Nobody believes in curses today! This is the nineties!

Ukyou: And I can't believe you! That was mean, Ranko!

Soun: Yes, Ranko! You should respect her feelings for her son!

Nabiki: Yeah! That was so cruel of you!

Ryoga walked into the room. He was still dressed as before.

Ryoga: Yes! He's mean, and shortsighted, and evil, and he's got
THREE fiancees, and--

Everyone got beads of sweat on their heads. Akane turned and
yelled at Ryoga.

Akane: We're talking about RANKO, you dummy, not RANMA!

Ryoga opened his mouth.

Ryoga: But they're the sa--

Ukyou flattened Ryoga with her spatula.

Ukyou: Don't you DARE say that Ranko is insane!

Nabiki: Don't you have someplace else to be, Ryoga?

Ukyou: [darkly] Like finding a bird of paradise?

Ryoga: [sheepish] I couldn't find my way out.

Ukyou: [fatalistically] I should have known.

Akane: [changing the subject] Uh...yeah. She's sane, all right.
But a magical curse? What a joke!

Soun: Yes, I agree! Nobody believes in fairy tales any more.

Ryoga: Ha ha! You mean like wizards and demons and ghosts?
Enchanted animals? Lions and tigers and bears?

Kasumi: Oh, my!

Mr. Saotome was looking rather nervous.

Panda: [sign] "Could we talk about something else?"

Ryoga: Ha ha ha!

Nabiki: Yeah, or talking pigs? Get real!

Ryoga stopped laughing. He turned rather pale and glanced at
Nabiki nervously. She looked back at him with a straight face. He
licked his lips. Then he turned back to the group.

Ryoga: Uh...let's not forget about Ranko! After all, it was her
cruel joke that caused all this, wasn't it? I can't believe
you put up with her, Akane!

Nodoka turned to look at Ranko...who was still crying. Attacked by
a dozen emotions at once and too scared to open her mouth again and
make things worse, she had been sitting and hoping no one would
notice. When her mother turned to study her, Ranko couldn't stand
it any more. She stood up shakily and ran past Ryoga, sobbing.


(1) This is the equivalent of watching all the episodes of Ranma
1/2 (including the Japanese ones, which at last count made up over
128 separate half-hour episodes, not including the OAVs or movies)
in about thirty seconds. Try it sometime, it's fun.

(2) One wonders what exactly Kasumi does with all this specialized
and odd medical knowledge. Does it go right in one ear and out the
other or is there some diabolical plot behind this accumulative
storehouse of biological trivia? Find out, on the next 'Geraldo'!
(Yet another reason I'm glad to be a Canadian and not an American
citizen)

* * *

End of Part Three