* * *
Part Four
* * *
The sun was setting over Nerima. The sky was slowly turning from
sky blue high in the sky to a deep navy then to rosy red near the
cloudline. The clouds themselves were pinkish grey, and you could
see the convolutions as the colours merged and mixed freely, like
some heavenly painter's palette. Just above the horizon the sky
was a dusky orange. As Ranko watched, the colours slowly
rearranged themselves with the coming of night--a changing of the
guard, a friendly exchange perhaps, not simply fading but enjoying
the change. You couldn't help but feel something inside when you
looked at a sight like that.
It was one of Ranko's favourite times, and right now she was lying
on the roof of the dojo. She had a few things to sort through her
mind before she went back downstairs. But she always took time out
for the sunset when she could. Not too many people could say that.
It was one of the few times each day she could just relax.
Ranko felt another presence. She didn't hear them, exactly, or see
anything, but she knew someone was there. Whoever it was, they
weren't trying to sneak up her, so she ignored them and
concentrated on the beautiful work of nature before her. As the
last rays of sun disappeared, she closed her eyes and sighed.
After a minute, she sat up and looked at the presence.
Nodoka: I hope I'm not intruding...
Ranko gave her mother a faint smile.
Ranma-chan: No...I was just thinking of you.
Nodoka: Would you like to talk about it?
Ranma-chan: [guarded look] Maybe. [look of surprise] Hey! I
didn't answer truthfully! [realizing what she's just said]
I mean...
Nodoka: [laughing] I'm glad to hear it. The truth can be
powerful, but it can easily be misused. [pause] Actually, I
waited until I thought it would be used up before I came up.
Ranko gave her mother a quick look, then lied back down on the
roof.
Ranma-chan: In that case, sure.
Mrs. Saotome sat down next to Ranko. After a moment, she shrugged
and lied down as well.
Nodoka: I wanted to say a few things about tonight...I guess, most
importantly, I'm not angry with you.
Ranma-chan: You're not?
Mrs. Saotome smiled, though Ranko couldn't see it.
Nodoka: No. I just wish I *could* see Ranma and my husband. You
did hit a little close to home.
Ranma-chan: I'm sorry...
Nodoka: Second...I think tonight proved something to me. You
really *do* have to get in touch with your feminine side.
Ranma-chan: Huh? What d'you mean?
Nodoka: You have to learn control. You have a lot of strong
emotions, but you don't know how to control them. Sometimes
you keep them bottled up, and you end up hurting other people.
Sometimes, you let them out, and they end up lashing at
people.
Ranma-chan: But that doesn't leave anything!
Nodoka: Really? Try letting them out naturally. Find the middle
path.
Ranma-chan: Like that Taoist stuff from China (1)?
Mrs. Saotome sighed.
Nodoka: Actually, yes. But you don't have to follow Tao te Ching
to have a healthy outlook on life. Just remember, you don't
have to let someone know how you feel--but it helps,
especially if you're trying to establish a relationship with
them.
Ranma-chan: Whenever I do that, Akane tries to kill me!
Nodoka: There's a difference between how you feel about something
and how you feel about somebody, Ranko. It's not always best
to tell someone how you feel about something, especially if
you don't know them very well.
Ranma-chan: [frustrated] So you're telling me to not say
anything?
Nodoka: Oh, no. You should *always* give your feelings life,
Ranko. Somehow. Tell a friend, or someone you love.
Ranma-chan: But I--
Nodoka: You can tell the kami (2) if you've no one else. The
trees make good listeners. If you're unhappy deal with it,
don't just pretend it doesn't matter or it's not real. It's
real to you, isn't it?
Ranma-chan: Who says I ain't happy?
Nodoka: Ranko dear...what was that I was saying about not
pretending it doesn't exist?
Ranma-chan: Uh...
Nodoka: Good. Just remember not to let it rule you, either.
Ranma-chan: Nobody rules me! Wait...
Nodoka: You should always admit you're sad and do something about
it. But some people spend all their time trying to deal with
their sadness. If they were walking and talking and working
normally, they might notice they're not sad anymore. But
because they're wrapped up in their own feelings, they never
give them a chance to leave.
Ranma-chan: Uh...
Mrs. Saotome smiled again.
Nodoka: It's not easy to learn, I know. But it's worth it. I
think you should find your feminine half, your 'anima'. Until
you do, you'll never really understand your whole self, Ranko.
Ranma-chan: My anime? Like Sailor Moon?
Nodoka: No, no. 'Anima'. The female part of the soul. Everyone
has an anima and an animus, the male part. Everyone, male or
female. But some people listen to one side more than the
other.
Ranma-chan: Kind of like yin and yang?
Nodoka: A lot like it, yes. The balance is very important. Too
much of one can be too much.
Ranma-chan: So where does anime come in then?
Nodoka: [surprised] What?
Ranma-chan: You know...anima, animus, anime?
Nodoka: [getting frustrated] Ranko, anime has nothing to do with
this! Anime are just silly cartoons for children! It has
nothing to do with philosophy--let alone real life!
Ranma-chan: Oh.
Mrs. Saotome took a deep breath. Why was she getting so upset over
something childish like anime anyways? It wasn't like she had
anything to do with anime. No, she was just a bit upset that Ranko
seemed to be fighting her. Or maybe she was just having trouble
with a concept no one had ever bothered to tell her about before.
Again, Nodoka wondered about Ranko's mother. What kind of woman
had she been? When had she died? And what did Ranko think of her?
Mrs. Saotome calmed down quickly.
Nodoka: Third...well, I noticed something else, too.
Ranma-chan: What's that, auntie Saotome?
Nodoka: You're in love with Ryoga, aren't you?
Ranko choked.
(1) Taoism (pronounced "dah-oh-ism") is one of China's three main
teachings--more of a philosophy than a religion. The "Tao te
Ching," one of their main books, teaches calmness and happiness
under any conditions. Taoism is a religion I can respect
wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, I don't think I could ever learn to
relax..."just give me the coffee, and no one gets hurt," that's my
motto. If you're interested, Benjamin Hoff once wrote a fantastic
book to explain Taoism to westerners, called 'The Tao of Pooh'
(yep, Winnie the Pooh). It's for adults in case you were
wondering, and it's well worth reading.
(2) 'Kami' = spirit. Shinto, the Japanese official religion,
teaches that every living thing, and many non-living works of
nature, are filled with their own spirits, just as humans are. The
spirits of trees, rocks, even oceans and volcanoes are all around
you if you know how to look.
* * *
Three tourists driving down a familiar street in Nerima looked up.
First Tourist: Look--Japanese women lying on the root!
Second Tourist: Hey, you're right...I wonder why. Ancient
Japanese custom, perhaps?
First Tourist: Maybe it helps them live longer.
Third Tourist: Ah, the mysteries of the East!
All three tourists took out cameras and snapped pictures before
driving on.
* * *
Ranko sat up and looked at her mother with no small amount of
shock.
Ranma-chan: What in the world makes you think that I'm in love
with RYOGA?? Where did you get such a crazy idea?
Nodoka: In the dojo this morning...but you've always acted
strangely around him. You don't react like that--that
strongly I mean--to anyone else--even me. When he challenged
Ranma, or tonight when he insulted you...well, you just seemed
to react more than you had to. And I can tell that Ukyou,
Akane and Shampoo are trying to help you.
Ranma-chan: [incredulous] They are?
Nodoka: [nodding] Un. They're always so nice to him, but I can
tell they're not really interested in him. And they keep
bringing your name up with him. Not to worry, though. I'm
going to help you catch him.
Ranma-chan: [weakly] Nani (1)?
Nodoka: [beaming] Absolutely! We can go buy some new clothing
for you tomorrow! And that's just the start. There's a walk,
a way of talking, of eating, that just screams "look at me" to
the other sex. I'm not sure why, but they notice--without
realizing what they're noticing!
Ranma-chan: But I don't *want* to get him interested in me!
Mrs. Saotome gave her a knowing smile.
Nodoka: Of course, dear. Well, it won't be for him then. But
you're going to need to know for *someone* in your life,
aren't you?
Ranma-chan: Uh, well...
Nodoka: [cutting her off] Good. We'll go shopping tomorrow.
I'll show you how I caught my husband, Ranma's father.
Ranko tried to picture that. She laughed.
Ranma-chan: Sure. [remembering something] Um...
Nodoka: Yes, Ranko?
Ranma-chan: About tonight...
Nodoka: Yes?
Ranma-chan: [sweating] It's almost time for bed...
Nodoka: [laughs] Don't worry, Ranko. If you don't want to sleep
with me, it's quite all right.
Ranma-chan: [relieved] How did you know?
Nodoka: You keep asking me that. When you know what the answer
is, I'll tell you.
Ranma-chan: But that doesn't make any sense!
Nodoka: Ranko?
Ranma-chan: Yes, mom--I mean, auntie?
Ranko blushed at her slip. Mrs. Saotome hadn't seemed to notice,
though.
Nodoka: I have to ask you a question. I hope you won't be
offended.
Ranma-chan: Uh, sure.
Nodoka: I've noticed that you and my son are quite close. In
fact, he seems to be closer to you than anyone else, and vice
versa.
Ranma-chan: Yeah, well...
Nodoka: Well...you're not part of the Tendo family, really...but
you could be.
Ranma-chan: Huh?
Nodoka: Are you...[blushing]...interested in my son?
Ranma-chan: [shrieking] WHAT?!
Nodoka: [still blushing] I'm sorry, Ranko, but I had to ask.
[Ranko is still looking faintly horrified] He really does
mean that much to you then? I wonder...
Mrs. Saotome looked up into the night sky.
Nodoka: Look, the first star of night! When I was a little girl,
my mother used to watch the stars come out with me. She said
that if I wished hard enough when I saw the first star of the
evening, my wish would come true.
Both mother and son fall silent and watched as the stars unfolded
before them. They each sent a silent wish out to the stars that
only they could hear.
(1) 'Nani' = what?
* * *
In some places like Nerima, night was falling. In others, day was
breaking. Such as a desert where a lone man herded goats. This
particular man was looking at the horizon. He saw something and
smiled. He waited patiently as Ryoga made his way up the hill.
Ryoga: Hello...
Man: Welcome, welcome! It's been a while! I went down to town
and bought a few things you might be needing. I also told my
wife and daughter about you. They were quite impressed with
a young man who can survive in the wilderness like you.
Ryoga: [taken aback] Oh.
Man: Well, let's see...I have a compass for you somewhere...and a
relief map of the area...an atlas...a canteen of water, some
travel rations...and an instant camera so you can photograph
the places you visit...
Ryoga: You mean this isn't Tokyo?
The man facefaulted. He decided ignorance was bliss.
Man: [recovering] I looked up the Tendo dojo in the Japanese
registry, and I have coordinates for it; I have their phone
number and postal code...and I wrote down "Where is the Tendo
Dojo, Nerima, Japan?" in seventeen different languages so you
can ask directions!
Ryoga: [still taken aback] That's very nice of you, er...
Man: Mahmud.
Ryoga: Mahmud. [opening his pack] Is there anything I can give
you in return?
He pulls out several strange objects. Among them is a torcus
shaped donut with pink fibres in its centre, a ring with long
spikes hanging from it, the Holy Grail, the One Ring, and a copy of
the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And, of course, a towel (1).
Man: What's that...disc thing?
Ryoga: [picks up the donut] Oh, this? I don't know...I just
found it someplace. In Japan, I think. I don't know what it
does...I'll probably just throw it away in some junk heap
somewhere. [he shrugs. We see that he is wearing gloves, so
that his bare skin is never touching it (2)]
Man: Oh. Well, anyways...I have now done my best. May you find
the Tendo dojo, my friend! Good luck!
Ryoga: Oh, I've already been there.
Man: WHAT?
Ryoga: I'm looking for a bird of paradise now.
Man: ...
Ryoga: Would you happen to know where I could find one?
Man: OUT! GET OUT! ...and take your backpack with you. Bah.
Stupid foreigners.
(1) Why a towel? Foolish human, always know where your towel is.
(2) If you need a bigger hint than that, read 'Guyver'.
* * *
Nabiki came downstairs, yawning hugely. She was still in her
nightgown. Akane was watching Kimagure Orange Road on TV.
Nabiki: Hey, Akane!
Akane: Oh, good morning, Nabiki.
Nabiki: Where's Ranma and his mother? Not to mention Ukyou and
Shampoo? I haven't heard anything break this morning.
Akane: [still irritated] Shampoo isn't coming around here for a
while ever since I installed the sprinkler system. [more
thoughtfully] Ukyou says she can't afford to close her
restaurant for two weeks, so since Mrs. Saotome's out today,
she's working. And Mrs. Saotome and Ranma left early.
They're going shopping, apparently. Aunt Saotome said not to
wait up.
Nabiki: Really? I wonder if I can get in on that...
Akane: Don't you dare, Nabiki! Ranko actually *asked* me not to
come along when Mrs. Saotome invited me along!
Nabiki: And you didn't kill him?
Akane: [flustered] Well...I mean...he didn't say it like *that*.
It's just...well, it's time alone with his mom. He doesn't
care about her buying dresses or anything for him, after all.
Nabiki: My point exactly. That money should be going to someone
who can use it.
Akane: Like you?
Nabiki: [sweetly] Naturally. [normally] Are you sure Ranma
wasn't being forced against his will?
Akane: Well...he...she...didn't look *happy*, exactly. But she
didn't look like she was going to her doom, either. But he
was nice about asking.
Nabiki: My point exactly, Akane. Since when is Ranma nice?
Just then, the door opened and Kuno ran in, reaching Akane in a
split second. Kuno thrust a bouquet of roses into her surprised
hands as he wept happily.
Kuno: Oh, happy day! If the words that have reached mine own ears
have not deceived me, the evil sorcerer Ranma Saotome has fled
my wrath! At long last, the fair Akane Tendo and the
beauteous yet mysterious pig-tailed girl shall be free to vent
their true feelings for me!
Akane: [recovering somewhat] Vent THIS, Kuno!
Akane flattened Kuno's face with her fist.
Kuno: [muffled by a fist] It appears that the vile conjurer's
enchantment is not yet broken. [normally] And yet I know of
a cure for such enslaving powers! Truly, 'tis said in legend
and lore, that to break a spell over an innocent maid, the
method of choice is a kiss, which by virtue of the love behind
it, shatters all such bonds of spirit like a blade shatters
wood!
Akane: Kuno?
Kuno gazed up at Akane.
Kuno: Yes, my love?
Akane: If you lay your lips on me I will rip them from your face
and feed them to you.
Kuno: You say this now, my love, whilst underneath the nefarious
charms of the sinful hypnotist Saotome! Yet his base
conjurations will be as dust once I, Tatewake Kuno, am through
with the ignoble Saotome! His base plans will be finished,
his low conceptions ended, his odious schemes disrupted and
his foul ambitions eradicated!
Nabiki: Say, Kuno-baby?
Kuno turned his head the slightest amount needed to look at Nabiki.
Kuno: Yes, Nabiki Tendo?
Nabiki: Are you using a thesaurus to come up with all those
synonyms?
Kuno touched one of his hands to his locks modestly.
Kuno: 'Tis a gift the Kuno clan has held for some time now, this
genius for words.
Nabiki: Oh. I was going to suggest a better one.
Kuno: [irritated] What is your point, Nabiki?
Nabiki: My point is, I know where the pig-tailed girl is.
Kuno: Verily? Then speak, sister to the wonderful Akane!
Nabiki: Ahem.
Kuno: How much?
Akane: HEY!
Kuno and Nabiki both look at her.
Akane: Aren't you forgetting someone?
Kuno: Never, my love! 'Tis but the duty of the Samurai to free
*all* those who suffer under the bonds of magic and depravity!
Nabiki: You *want* Kuno to notice you?
Kuno: [irritated] I heard that, Nabiki Tendo.
Akane threw her hands into the air in disgust.
Akane: Oh, never mind.
Nabiki: Five thousand yen, Kuno-baby.
Kuno: What? The gods weep at such a price, Nabiki Tendo!
Nabiki shrugged.
Nabiki: Your loss. Of course, she *is* out with Saotome-san right
now.
Kuno: WHAAAT? The demure, maidenly pig-tailed girl on a date with
Saotome?!
Nabiki: [tartly] You heard what I said.
Kuno: This I swear! Saotome shall pay for his misdeeds! [pulling
out his wallet] Five thousand yen. Now where is the vile
miscreant hiding?
Nabiki: They're out shopping.
Kuno: [incredulously] Five thousand yen for that?
Nabiki: [in a tone of wonder] You know what? You're right.
Kuno: [smirks] I thought so.
Nabiki: Ten thousand yen.
Kuno: WHAT?
Nabiki: [very slowly, as if talking to an infant] Ten...
thousand...yen.
Kuno: For what?
Nabiki: For me not telling your pig-tailed girl that you saw me in
my nightgown.
Kuno looked at Nabiki closely for the first time. He realized
that, in fact, she was in her nightclothes.
Kuno: Urk! I mean...very well, for even the pure and innocent
such as my love, the sweet pig-tailed girl could misconstrue
my pure intentions to read such pervertedness as a Saotome by
your twisted words, Nabiki Tendo! Five thousand yen more to
your silence!
Nabiki: Ahem.
Kuno: Now what?
Nabiki: I *said*, ten thousand yen.
Kuno: I gave you ten thousand yen!
Nabiki: No, you gave me five thousand. Plus five thousand for the
information.
Kuno: [angrily] You shall surely come to an untimely end, Nabiki
Tendo.
Nabiki: [sarcastically] I'm *so* scared.
Kuno: Five thousand yen...there! Now, before you bankrupt the
Kuno fortune, I shall fly to the defence of my love!
Nabiki: Bye-bye, Kuno-baby.
Kuno turned to leave. Just as he began to walk forward, though, he
turned back and took Akane's hands once more.
Kuno: But wait! How can I abandon my love, the athletic Akane?
To leave her unguarded in this place could invite the sorcerer
in once he learns of my coming and flees! I must protect you,
oh fair maiden, from the clutches of this madman!
Kuno staggered to his knees under the weight of his dilemma.
Kuno: But...the pig-tailed one! So sweet, so innocent...and
already in his clutches. How can I leave her to such a fate?
Truly the fates are unkind! I must give up the one to save
the other! Yet I cannot choose! How can I leave either--
Akane kicked Kuno out the door and slammed it in his face.
Akane: [shouting] There! That should make your decision easier!
Nabiki: You're not in a good mood today, are you?
Akane: You're one to talk! You lied to him, Nabiki!
Nabiki: Moi? I said that the pig-tailed girl was out with
Saotome-san, which she is. I didn't say *which* Saotome, and
Kuno didn't ask. Besides, it would've cost him.
Nabiki smiled to herself. Akane went back to the TV.
* * *
Ranko and her mother were shopping in the Ginza district. Ranko
found that much to her disbelief, she was enjoying herself. Rather
than the dull, boring day she had envisioned it was more like a
game between friends. The two Saotome females were chatting like
old friends, poking fun of each other and trying on absurd outfits.
They shared private jokes at the expense of the shopkeepers and
swapped stories about their reactions afterwards. In fact, Ranko
found the whole thing quite invirogating, despite the three bags
she was now carrying. The weather was clear and sunny and as the
lazy sunday morning wore on, Ranko realized that she was having a
wonderful time. She looked fondly at her mother.
Mrs. Saotome was looking in a store's window display pointing at a
particularly risque dress and commenting on Ranko's colours. A few
hours ago, Ranko would have been horrified at the idea, but she was
getting used to it.
Nodoka: [joking] What do you think? Too conservative?
Ranma-chan: [laughing] Auntie Saotome! You're supposed to be a
*good* influence on me!
Ranko was surprised at how fast she had accepted her role as Ranko
to her mother. And she was a little suspicious of how much fun she
was having already. But she didn't let it bother her. Nothing was
going to spoil this moment for Ranko.
Then Kuno showed up.
Kuno ran up to Ranko, his arms outstretched towards her.
Kuno: Pig-tailed girl! I love y--WHAM
Mrs. Saotome looked back at Ranko, who was standing in the street
with one arm outstretched, as if to punch someone. There was no
one there. She blinked.
Nodoka: Did you say something, dear?
Ranko turned and smiled at her mother.
Ranma-chan: Nope!
The two continued lazily down the street, where an ice-cream store
was calling their names. Down below in the river, Tatewake Kuno
floated by, unconscious. Two old men were fishing on the shore as
Kuno passed them.
First Old Man: Look at that!
Second Old Man: Disgusting. They'll dump anything into the rivers
these days. When I was a boy they kept the water clean.
* * *
Mousse was not having a good day. Having been tossed out of the
Tendo dojo, it had taken him almost the entire night to find his
way back to the Nekohanten in duck form. Luckily, he kept a spare
pair of glasses hidden there. If Cologne hadn't simply thrown out
all of his possessions for not showing up for work. Or Shampoo
hadn't found them and used them for target practice. And he
*still* hadn't gotten any hot water.
So intent was Mousse on his troubles that he didn't notice the car
that hit him.
* * *
Mrs. Saotome sat down. Ranko was already staring at the mountain
of ice cream in between the two of them. It was twelve scoops of
ice cream, each a different flavour, topped with three sauces, two
cherries, three kinds of nuts and (of course) two spoons. Ranko
felt her mouth beginning to slaver in anticipation. Still, one
thing stopped her. She looked at her mother for a moment in
apprehension.
Ranma-chan: [doubtful] Are you *sure* this is okay? I mean,
don't girls have to watch their weight or something?
Nodoka: [conspiratorially] Do *you* see anybody watching?
Ranma-chan: [catching on] Nope!
Mrs. Saotome giggled and got out her spoon. Ranko was already
digging in.
* * *
Mousse woke up. It took him a few moments to realize what had
happened, and then a few more to figure out where he was. It was
slightly more difficult than normal, after all, when one is hanging
tied up from the ceiling. Next to several other chickens and
ducks, some plucked and some not. Mousse quacked in fear. Looking
around, he saw shapes down below him...whites, and beiges, and
orange... cheese! He realized he must be in a deli. That set him
off to quacking again. What kind of person brought roadkill into a
deli? For that matter, didn't they stop to check if he was still
alive? Mousse quacked in anger. Still, no one seemed to notice.
Maybe it was their lunch break. Mousse sagged.
Then he realized he was hanging next to a window! And through that
window he could see...shapes! Well, that was pretty much
guaranteed from the beginning. But these shapes were moving! And
that could only mean one thing...people! Mousse started to rock
back and forth, until his beak touched the glass, tapping it, and
then he swung back...
* * *
Ranko sat back in her chair. She had never, ever, in her whole
entire life felt more stuffed. Despite her mother's protestations,
Mrs. Saotome hadn't eaten more than two scoops of the whole thing.
Ranko had scarfed down the rest of it. If she had to eat another
bite, she'd burst. She just knew it.
Ranko heard a faint tapping from the window beside her. The ice-
cream parlour was next to a delicatessen, and there was just a
glass pane separating the two, perhaps to entice viewers into
buying lunch meats. Ranko wasn't sure. She looked at the window
oddly, but couldn't see anyone there. She shrugged and turned
back.
tap!
Ranko turned around again. That was strange. She was *sure* she
had heard a noise that time...maybe it came from eating too much
ice cream?
tap!
That did it. Ranko was sure, this time. She walked over to the
glass. There was a duck, tied up and hanging from the ceiling. It
was swinging back and forth on it's string. It opened its mouth in
a silent quack. Ranko giggled at it. The duck seemed to go into
paroxysms. She laughed at it some more.
Nodoka: Ranko? I've paid for the...Ranko? Where did you run off
to? [walking up to Ranko] Oh, there you are! What are you
looking at? [seeing the duck] Good heavens! Don't tell me
you're hungry after all that?
Ranko turned to her mother.
Ranma-chan: Oh, no, auntie! I just...
Nodoka: Well, then dear, let's be off. The world awaits!
The two left the parlour behind.
Mousse glared at their retreating backs. He couldn't recognize the
large blur, but for a moment, when the smaller blur had leaned in
close to the glass, he had made out a face. The face of Ranma
Saotome!
Duck: Quack! [translation: "Saotome, you will pay! You will
PAY!!"]
* * *
As the sun reached its apex high overhead, Ranko had already
reached hers. Hours ago. And she was slowly winding down.
Something was wrong, but she couldn't put her finger on it. She
glanced at her mother out of the corner of her eye. She couldn't
let her see her frown. She smiled a little bit forcefully. Then
she remembered something. Today was Sunday. She had school
tomorrow. But she couldn't go to school as a girl. And her
dragon's hair seal had been taken away by her mother. Ranko
cleared her throat.
Ranma-chan: Say, um, auntie?
Nodoka: Yes, Ranko dear?
Ranma-chan: Uh, I was just wondering...er...what you did with the
tie I had for my pig-tail...
Nodoka: That thing? It was getting a bit old, so I threw it out.
Ranma-chan: WHAAAAAT?
Nodoka: [smiling] But not to worry! I bought you a new one! But
I really *do* think you look *much* prettier like this, dear!
You should give it some thought!
Ranma-chan: ...
Ranko felt her life as a male slipping away from her. Then she
shook the feeling off. She was Ranma Saotome! Well, actually,
right now she was Ranko Tendo. But she could do anything! Yeah!
All she had to do was dig through a few dozen bags of household
garbage before 7 a.m. tomorrow morning! No problem. Really. She
forced a smile on her face.
Then the problem hit her. That was it! That was what was wrong--
she had been trying to please her mother so much...the strain was
beginning to tell on her. Smiling and laughing can be fun, but it
can also be taxing when you're not in the mood for it, or when
you're nervous about something.
Well...it *had* been fun, some of it. And she liked being with her
mother. But at the same time...it wasn't how Ranma wanted to be
with her--as mother and son. Ranko sighed unhappily. She wasn't
sure how much more of this she could take. She was riding an
emotional roller coaster, and the ups and downs were coming much
too quickly for her to absorb. She looked back up at her mother
guiltily, realizing she had sighed aloud. She resolved to smile
more. Her mother couldn't be convinced that it was her own
presence that was depressing Ranko. Her smile looked slightly
forced. She swore, if *one* more thing happened today...
Kodachi: OHOHOHOHO! OHOHOHO! So, my dear, at last I have found
you!
With an insane laugh, Kodachi landed on one foot in front of the
two. She paused in that position to laugh her head off. She was
dressed only in a leotard, which struck some as odd, considering it
was autumn. Others didn't think twice about it; these were the
people who knew Kodachi, by experience or reputation. They saw her
and quickly left the scene before they could get covered in black
petals.
Ranko put her head into her hands.
Ranko: What have I done to deserve this?
Nodoka: [confused] Excuse me, but do you mean me?
Kodachi looked at Mrs. Saotome as a horse looks at a fly. That is,
as an irritant. She responded patronizingly to Mrs. Saotome.
Kodachi: Not you, foolish woman--the wicked girl! [to Ranko] I
am here to free my darling Ranma! Sasuke tells me he hasn't
been able to find hide nor hair of my love since Wednesday!
Tell me where you have hidden him, and I might let you live!
OHOHOHO! OHOHOHO!
Nodoka: [gasping] *Your* Ranma?
Ranma-chan: [shaking her head] No...I don't believe this...
Kodachi: Wretch! Dare you speak to the Black Rose in that tone?
I will have to...[pause]...to...[pause]...oh, dear.
Ranko peeked out between her fingers.
Ranma-chan: What?
Kodachi: You're not the pig-tailed wench, are you? How odd...I
was *sure* if I followed my brother, he would lead me to
her...oops! Silly me!
Kodachi covered her mouth demurely as she laughed, which did
nothing to make her look or sound any more demure than, say, a
bunch of fear-crazed apes attacking a mack truck. On drugs.
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! Excuse me, I must be off! OHOHOHOHO!
Kodachi bounded onto a building and was quickly out of sight. The
only evidence of her passing were the hundreds of black rose petals
that now graced the clothing of Ranko and her mother. Not to
mention the ground, the cars, the buildings, and the occasional
passerby. Mrs. Saotome stood there, stunned. This was the normal
reaction for most people upon their first meeting with Kodachi
Kuno. Actually, this was the normal reaction for most people upon
*any* meeting with Kodachi. Kodachi made that kind of impression
on people.
Ranko looked around with no little confusion.
Ranma-chan: Weird...I wonder why...
Inspiration struck her and she put her fist into the palm of her
other hand with a smack.
Ranma-chan: Of course! I'm not the 'pig-tailed girl' anymore,
without pig-tails!
Ranko laughed happily, as if freed from some heavy burden weighing
on her.
Kuno ran up to her.
Kuno: PIG-TAILED GIR--THWACK--ugh.
Ranko watched as he fell down into the river again with a splash.
Ranma-chan: [sighing] He must be too stupid to let it affect him.
Nodoka: Ranko! Kicking boys into the sewer system is
reprehensible! Although apt. [shaking her head] That was
completely uncalled for! Speaking of which, what *was* that?
Ranma-chan: [looking up guiltily] Uh, what do you mean, what was
that?
Nodoka: That...girl, and that boy...
Ranma-chan: [a bit down] It could take a while.
Nodoka: I have time.
Ranma-chan: [seeing no way out of it] ...Okay. It all started
when I got to Furinken High...and there was this guy,
upperclassman Kuno, who had this thing for Akane...
* * *
Ryoga was wandering. As usual. Funny, Saudi Arabia looked a lot
like Japan. For that matter, a lot of places did. Even the signs
were in kanji. He sighed. He'd never get to Japan if he didn't
hurry. His stomach took that moment to growl at him. He looked
around for someplace to eat. There was a deli just across the
street from him. He looked in the window. It all looked good.
But he didn't have any money for food. He needed all his
for...then he noticed something. One of the birds hanging from the
ceiling was moving--almost like it recognized him and was trying to
catch his attention!
Ryoga had a quick laugh about that.
Then he remembered his quest: The bird of paradise. Ryoga wasn't
sure what a bird of paradise looked like, actually. Maybe they had
one in there, or at least a picture of one. It couldn't hurt to
ask. He walked into the store.
Man: Can I help you, sir?
Ryoga: I want to buy a feather.
Man: Pardon me?
Ryoga: I need a feather.
Man: A feather?
Ryoga: From a bird of paradise. Do you have any?
The shopkeeper looked at Ryoga. He realized someone was playing a
trick on him. He shrugged and decided to play along.
Man: Ah...why, yes! [pulling out Mousse] This is one right here!
But you have to buy the whole thing!
Ryoga: Oh...[fumbling with his change] How much?
The shopkeeper smiled thinly.
Man: It's your lucky day! We have a special on bird of paradise
today, just two thousand yen per pound...
Ryoga looked at the money in his hand. He looked up at the
shopkeeper.
Ryoga: Could I just get a wing or something?
Mousse: QUACK! [translation: "NO! NO! NO! Somebody, anybody,
HELP!"]
* * *
Cut to a restaurant, where Ranko is just finishing both a sukiyaki
lunch and her story.
Ranma-chan: ...So then Kodachi came and gave me flowers for Ranma,
saying she had a completely *new* passion for him! And that's
about it. She's never given up on Ranma since. And Kuno's
never given up on me.
Nodoka: Remarkable...perhaps I was too hasty in thinking you
couldn't catch a boy.
Ranma-chan: AUNTIE!
Mrs. Saotome smiled at Ranko mischievously.
Nodoka: Just kidding, dear. It must be terrible with those two
after you. And it's nice to see you sticking up for Ranma.
I hope he appreciates the hard work you do for him.
Ranma-chan: [under her breath] Oh, you bet.
Mrs. Saotome checked her watch.
Nodoka: Well...it's about three now. We still have the whole
afternoon to get your ears pierced...and I think a picnic
dinner would be a perfect end to the evening...say, in Nerima
park. It's a wonderful place; I often go there when I'm
thinking of Ranma.
Ranko slumped a bit. She still needed a few hours to sort through
the garbage, and she *still* hadn't gotten a full night's sleep
since her mother had gotten here. If she couldn't get some time to
herself before tonight, she'd be a living zombie in class tomorrow.
And she had a chem exam first class!
Ranma-chan: Ahhh...Auntie Saotome...if it's not a bother...
um...I'd rather just go home.
Mrs. Saotome looked at Ranko with a wounded expression. Ranko
hurriedly backpedalled.
Ranma-chan: I mean...I'm having fun and all, but...I'm getting
tired.
Nodoka: Well...if you say so, dear. We can go home and talk...
Ranma-chan: NO! [blushing] I mean...
Nodoka: [chagrined] I see.
Ranma-chan: It's not like that!
Mrs. Saotome sighed.
Nodoka: I'm sorry, dear. I guess I *have* been monopolizing your
time since I got here. Well, why don't you go on home then.
I'll...take a walk. [smiling sadly] After all, I'll be here
until Kasumi gets better.
Ranma-chan: But I...
Nodoka: [smiling] No need to explain, dear. I'll see you later.
Ranma's mother left, leaving Ranko standing confused and
frustrated.
Ranma-chan: Oh man...I can't take this any more.
Voice-over of Nodoka: ...After all, I'll be here until Kasumi gets
better.
Ranma-chan: Argh! It's only been four days! It feels like a
year... Hey! Until she gets better? Dr. Tofu!
Ranko ran out of the restaurant.
* * *
Two old ladies watched as Ranko passed them running.
First Old Lady: Say, didn't that girl go inside with a woman? The
one in the kimono? They probably had a fight. Interesting.
Second Old Lady: You want interesting? Why, just this week, I was
in a restaurant when a duck wandered in! The waiter tripped
on the poor thing, and suddenly a boy appeared, stark naked!
Second Old Lady: No! What did you do?
First Old Lady: Me and the girls thrashed the pervert. He ran off
screaming, never to be seen from again.
Second Old Lady: How odd...nothing like that ever happens to me.
[sighing] Now, if I could just get that ingrate grandson of
mine, Yusaku, to take me in again...
* * *
Dr. Tofu was just finishing up with his last client of the day when
the door of his clinic burst open and Ranko came running through.
Dr. Tofu: ...and remember, stay away from throwing any more desks
or you'll put your shoulder out again! Even at Ataru!
Girl: Yes, doctor.
Shinobu stood up and left, glancing at Ranko as she left with a
puzzled expression.
Dr. Tofu: Now, what can I do for...Ranma! How's it going?
Ranma-chan: Until mom leaves it's 'Ranko', Dr. Tofu.
Dr. Tofu: Oh yes, your mother! You must be happy to have such a
wonderful woman as your parent.
Ranma-chan: Uh, yeah...actually, I wanted to speak to you about
Kasumi.
Dr. Tofu's glasses noticeably fogged up.
Dr. Tofu: Ka-kasumi?
Ranma-chan: Oh, no...c'mon, snap out of it, doc!
Ranko slapped Dr. Tofu. Dr. Tofu ignored her and turned to talk
to, apparently, Betty, his skeleton.
Dr. Tofu: And what seems to be the problem with her, Ranma?
Ranma-chan: [desperately] Her ankle! Her ankle!
Dr. Tofu: Oh, really? I'd better have a look at it, then.
Ranma-chan: You already did!
Dr. Tofu: Did I? What did I say?
Ranma-chan: AARGH!
Ranko grabbed Dr. Tofu by the shirt and turned him around.
Ranma-chan: I'm over here!
Dr. Tofu: Oh, sorry about that, Ranma. You were asking me
something?
Ranma-chan: [relieved] Yes...I wanted to know if there's anything
you can do to speed up her recovery.
Dr. Tofu: [frowning] Not really, Ranma. It's the type of injury
that takes time to heal...
Ranma-chan: [downcast] Oh. So, another week and a half then...
Dr. Tofu: [sharply] What? Who told you that, Ranma?
Ranma-chan: Huh? Uh, you did, doctor...
Dr. Tofu: How odd. I wonder what I was thinking. No, her type of
injury will take at least three weeks to heal properly!
Ranma-chan: [horrified] THREE WEEKS?
Dr. Tofu: [nodding] At least.
Ranma-chan: What am I gonna do? I can't last three weeks!
Ranko noticed Dr. Tofu looking at her oddly. She was getting a lot
of that recently.
Ranma-chan: Well, thanks anyways. Be seeing you, doctor!
Ranko ran out past her father, who was sweeping the floor.
Dr. Tofu: [to Mr. Saotome] What an odd girl. Don't you think so,
Betty?
Panda: Growf.
Dr. Tofu: I wonder why she was asking about Shinobu's arm?
Panda: Growf.
As Dr. Tofu walked back into his clinic, he hit his head on the
door frame. His glasses fell to the ground. They were still
fogged up.
* * *
Ryoga sat over his campfire, ready for an early dinner. He was
boiling water for instant ramen. He had learned from past
experience that any meal with boiling water was a good meal. Then
he remembered the bird of paradise he had in his backpack.
Ryoga: Oh, that's right...[pulling out Mousse] Now just hold
still, I only want a feather.
Ryoga yanked hard.
Mousse: QUACK! [translation: "[CENSORED]"]
Ryoga: Great. Now what do I do with it?
Looking at the duck--er, bird of paradise, Ryoga shrugged. He
threw it into the bushes behind him and settled down for dinner.
Mousse slowly and agonizingly dragged himself back to the camp
again. He quacked angrily at Ryoga. Ryoga looked down at the
duck. Mousse quacked again, then pointed with his bill at the hot
water.
Ryoga: What, this? Sorry, it's my dinner. You can't have any.
Ryoga proceeded to make ramen, while Mousse alternately dragged
closer and quacked in desperation. Finally, Ryoga finished dinner
with a sigh.
Ryoga: Ah, that was good.
Mousse: Quack! Quack! Quackety quack quack! QUACK!
[translation: "I need hot water!"]
Ryoga: ...Too bad it's all gone.
Mousse: QUACK! [translation: "AAAAAAAAUGH!"]
Ryoga looked at the duck. It was certainly an irritating creature.
Maybe if he threw the pot at it, he could scare it away, or at
least make it shut up. He threw it at the annoying thing. There
was one last, desperate 'quack!'. Then Ryoga fell down, struck on
the head by his own pot. Mousse looked at the unconscious figure.
Mousse: Hmph. Serves you right.
Mousse started to walk away, still steaming a bit from where the
scalding liquid in the pot had hit him. Just as he did, thunder
crackled in the distance. Mousse looked up at the sky. He walked
back and picked up Ryoga's bamboo umbrella. Then he left.
Rain started to fall.
* * *
Ranko ran back to the dojo. On the way back, she mulled things
over in her mind. She had the nagging feeling of forgetting
something, something very, very important...
Voice-over of Mr. Tendo: I'm sorry to say that Genma and Ranma
left on a training mission and won't be back for...two-and-a-
half weeks.
Ranko slaps her fist into the palm of her other hand.
Ranma-chan: And that was days ago! But if her injury takes three
weeks to heal...'Ranma' is going to show up before she leaves!
What am I going to do? AAAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!
Ranko turned around and ran in the other direction. At the dojo,
Akane's ears perked up.
Akane: Hey Nabiki, did you hear something?
Nabiki: [bored] It must have been your imagination, Akane.
Ranko passed an elderly couple.
Old Man: Wasn't she running in the other direction just a minute
ago?
Old Woman: And before that she was running out of a restaurant.
Old Man: Youth today. They're in such a hurry.
Old Woman: And they never know where they're going.
They continued on their way.
* * *
Ranko stopped in her tracks. Kodachi had just landed in front of
her, for the second time that day. That was definitely on her list
of top ten things she tried to avoid in one day. She looked at the
crazed gymnast warily.
Ranma-chan: Yo, what's up, Kodachi?
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! Your pitiful attempts at disguise won't work on
me, my dear! I know you for who you are now!
Ranma-chan: It took you this long?
Kodachi: Don't you speak to me like that! Now tell me...
[menacingly] What have you done with my darling Ranma?
Ranko sighed.
Ranma-chan: I ain't got time for this, Kodachi.
Kodachi took out a ribbon and snapped it in Ranko's face.
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! That's right, my dear! You don't have much
time left at all, unless you tell me what I want to know!
Ranko thought quickly.
Ranma-chan: Er, okay. Ranma eloped with Shampoo.
Kodachi reacted as if slapped. Wait, that's not right. Kodachi
would probably kill anybody who slapped her. She reacted as if
told her true love was eloping with a Chinese amazon with naturally
blue hair.
Kodachi: WHAT!?
Ranma-chan: He said they were going to honeymoon in...er...Canada.
Yeah. That's it. [to herself] That oughta get her out of my
hair for a few weeks.
Kodachi: Ranma sweetums, how *could* you? Wait, wait--it must be
that horrid amazon's magic potions! How terrible, to have to
stoop so low as to cheat!
Ranko couldn't help herself.
Ranma-chan: But Kodachi, don't *you* cheat all the time?
Kodachi: That's different! When *I* cheat, at least I do it
right! OHOHOHO!
Ranko shivered. It had nothing to do with the chill in the air.
Kodachi: Well, I must be off, my dear. I have a wedding to break
up! OHOHOHO!
Kodachi jumped into the air, leaving a trail of black petals
behind (1). Ranko breathed in a sigh of relief. Two seconds
later, Kodachi landed in front of her again, her ribbon poised to
strike. Ranko blinked.
Ranma-chan: Haven't we already done this scene?
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! So you thought you could trick the Black Rose!
Well, know that Kodachi Kuno is mistress of trickery! You
can't beat me at my own game, girl--so don't even try. I know
for a fact that NOBODY honeymoons in Canada!
Ranma-chan: They don't?
Kodachi: [sneering] Of course not! Who wants to vacation in a
desolate wasteland? Well, except for the Eskimos, I suppose.
Not to mention those horrible polar bears. But living in an
igloo... (2)?
Kodachi gave a shudder at the thought. Ranko resolved to pay more
attention in Geography class--or at least look at an atlas someday.
She had always thought that Canada was a U.S. state, and weren't
they all sunny and warm? Well, except for Alaska, maybe. But that
was up at the north pole.
Kodachi: No more stalling! You WILL tell me where Ranma is!
Ranma-chan: [thinking fast] He's not here.
Kodachi: I KNOW THAT, you stupid girl! WHERE is he?
Ranma-chan: Uh...well...he's...uh...
Ranko thought about it. That ribbon of Kodachi's looked a lot like
a whip. And she was tired. And angry. And she just plain didn't
care anymore. Ranko sighed and crossed her arms tiredly.
Ranma-chan: Okay, Kodachi. You asked for it. I'll tell you.
'Ranma' has been here all along.
Kodachi: What are you talking about, you foolish woman? I told
you, no more tricks!
Ranma-chan: [angry] Alright, so I heard you already! Just
listen to me, okay? Ranma fell into a cursed spring. You
following so far?
Kodachi: A cursed spring?
Ranma-chan: I guess not. Okay, there's these training grounds in
China, called Jhusenkyo, or something...and people who fall in
the springs there turn into stuff.
Kodachi: Whaaaat?
Ranma-chan: Well, things. You know. But it's not permanent. Hot
water turns them back.
Kodachi: THINGS? What do you mean by 'things'?
Ranma-chan: You know, animals, plants, robots--no, wait...
Kodachi: My poor Ranma is a THING?
Ranma-chan: I don't think I'm getting through here.
Kodachi: What did you turn him into, you horrible evil girl?
Ranma-chan: HEY! I DIDN'T DO IT!
Ranko suddenly got an evil gleam in her eye.
Ranma-chan: You know, Kodachi, maybe you shouldn't be saying
things like that to me.
Kodachi: What do you mean?
Ranko stepped forward.
Ranma-chan: Look, what's the worst possible thing 'your' Ranma
could become?
Kodachi: [horrified] You don't mean...
Ranma-chan: [nodding] I see you've finally got it. At least you
*did* get it. That dumb Kuno still hasn't--
Kodachi: MY RANMA IS A PIG??
Ranma-chan: [taken aback] What?
Kodachi: That pig you used in the match!
Ranma-chan: Uh, no--
Kodachi: HOW COULD YOU??
Ranma-chan: Wait a--
Kodachi: Oh, you wicked, wicked girl! I will *never* forgive what
you have done to my fiance! But right now, my place is at my
darlings' side, not here giving you the beating you so rightly
deserve! Another time, perhaps!
Ranma-chan: But--
Kodachi leapt into the air, scattering black rose petals. Ranko
started sneezing in the petal-filled air, unable to continue.
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! Ranma sweetums, I'm coming! Be brave, dear
heart! OHOHOHO!
Ranko wondered what would happen when Kodachi found Ryoga. Then
she wondered if China would be a good place to visit at this time
of year.
Ranma-chan: Oh well. Better him than me, I guess.
(1) The rare black rose (*Insaneum Gymnasium Prolificus*) is
only found in a few places across the globe. Kodachi has a large
garden of them which she uses to finance her 'habit'.
(2) Being Canadian, I reserve the right to make fun of Canada
and Canadians, specifically those in Ontario, without being flamed.
The same applies for Roman Catholicism and Catholics, Anime and
Otaku, RPGs and RPGers, and people with horrible, awful, terrible
and very bad senses of direction. It says something when my
nickname is Ryoga to my friends. I just wish I could
Shishihoukoudan all of them too. So I got lost going in a straight
line. Big deal. You'd think they'd let me live it down after a
year.
* * *
The Tendo family living room was, for once, quiet and serene.
Perhaps it was the presence of Mrs. Saotome and Kasumi that was
adding the necessary island of calmness to Nerima's normal
insanity. Whatever the case, everyone was relaxing in the
unexpected pleasantly boring day.
Soun: Ah, this is the life! What could possibly go wrong on a day
like this?
Nabiki rapidly excused herself from the room. Kasumi was protected
from any kind of danger through her own nature--her own sweet
kindness and purity that made humans of any evilness or perversion
(read: Happosai) think twice about attacking her, and even made the
laws of the universe bend a little to make sure she escaped without
so much as a scratch (1). Akane was more often than not the
aforementioned danger, or could handle it through selective use of
random applied violence. Nabiki on the other hand had to rely on
her wits to protect herself. Thus, she had learned to pick up on
the subtle cues proclaiming instant and irrevocable disaster was
looming, such as anyone stupid enough to ask "What could possibly
go wrong?" or say "What a beautiful day" or even utter the dreaded
"Trust me, I know what I'm doing." This is known in psychology as
the 'social learning process', and is the method by which ordinary
people learn to deal with life.
Nobody else seemed to notice.
Seconds later, Mousse burst into the room bristling with weapons.
Mousse: Saotome! Prepare to die!
Everyone looked at Mousse. Mousse glared back at where he assumed
their faces were.
Mousse: I know you're here! Now, fight me! I will have my
revenge, Saotome!
Chains and ropes flew out of Mousse's sleeves, entangling
everything in the room.
Mrs. Saotome slowly stood up. Akane shook her head disbelievingly.
Nodoka: [angrily] I don't know what you think I've done to you,
young man, but you've just made a mess of the Tendo living
room. I accept your challenge.
Everybody took a step back. Genma, who had seen his wife in battle
before--usually against him--took three steps back. Into the
closet. And closed the door. Mrs. Saotome brought out her katana
and pointed it at Mousse.
Mousse: [squinting] Saotome? Is that you? When did you grow a
foot taller? [giving up] No matter! Prepare to DIE!
Mousse rushed forward. Mrs. Saotome leisurely kicked him out the
door into low earth orbit. She turned around, dusting off her
hands. Everyone stared at her.
Nodoka: What's the matter? Did I do something wrong?
Akane: But...but the sword...?
Nodoka: [puzzled] What about it?
Akane: Er...you always have it...I guess...[blushing]...I guess we
assumed you'd use it in a fight.
Nodoka: [laughing] Of course I can use it, dear. But despite
being a family heirloom, I keep it razor-sharp, and it
wouldn't be fair to use it in a fight. [smiling] Besides, an
accident with a sword can do a lot worse than a sprained ankle
or a bruise. I didn't want to kill him, now did I?
Soun: There are sides to you we've never seen before, Saotome-san.
I never knew you knew Kempo.
Nodoka: I picked up a few moves from my husband when he was trying
to impress me. Also I studied it in high school, long before
I met him. I'm 2nd dan (2).
Akane: When he was trying to impress *you*? That kick was
amazing!
Nodoka: [blushing] Well, if I'd told him I could beat him up in
a fight, he would never have asked me to marry him!
Everyone laughed. Inside the closet, a Panda sweated.
(1) Some scientists believe that Kasumi actually lives in a
world of her own. Not 'acts like she lives', but 'lives'. That
is, she's not selectively noticing things or overly optimistic
about human nature, she actually *does* see and hear different
things than everybody else. She sees in two different dimensions,
where exact copies of the people and places of this one live, but
where all evil and duplicity has been removed and everybody gets
along, even the Catholics (what did I say in my last note?).
Scientists further went on to hypothesize that her dual-dimensional
nature could conceivably protect her from the effects of this world
due to her existing in both planes at once. This statement by the
scientific community has led to a special on Oprah: 'Tendo
daughters with extradimensional powers'. Don't hold your breath
waiting for it to come out on TV; the U.S. government confiscated
it and told the network to deny everything. But who do you
trust--me, some guy on the Net you've never met and for all you
know isn't even a real person, or a bunch of people running the
government?
(2) The levels of mastery in most Japanese martial arts are
divided into gup (student) and dan (master). Gup is divided into
10 ranks, most of which have a different colour; this is where the
"belt" system comes from. White belt is 1st gup while brown belt
is 10th gup. Once a student achieves a black belt, they become a
master and start advancing in ranks of dan, from 1st to 10th. Most
if not all "sensei", or teachers, are at the very least 1st dan;
many are around 4th or 5th. Students usually refer to their skill
level through the colour of their belt, while the masters, who all
have black belts irregardless of level, use their ranking in dan to
compare each other (except in a few styles, where red belt is
reserved for 9th and 10th dan and is not a student belt). Note
that only a handful of people have ever reached 10th dan; even a
1st dan opponent is a very good martial artist, one who can perform
every technique in that style of martial arts and who is still
learning only to improve them (the "special techniques" from Ranma
1/2 aren't quite the same thing). Chinese martial arts, such as
most Kung-Fu styles, are ranked in a completely different manner,
while other nation's martial arts may or may not even have a
ranking system. In case you were wondering, I'd rate Ranma
somewhere around 7th or even 8th dan by the middle of the series.
* * *
In the streets of Nerima, a small black piglet was wandering. P-
Chan was pissed off. He had no idea why he had fallen unconscious,
but when he woke up, he had a splitting headache. Also, he was a
pig. It was probably Ranma's fault, somehow.
He snarled to himself. Then he looked up. He sighed. He hoped he
was still in Japan, but he couldn't be sure. Then he heard a
wicked-sounding burst of insane laughter and relaxed. There was
only *one* person alive able to make that sound without suffering
a nervous breakdown, and that was Kodachi 'Black Rose' Kuno. And
she went to school in Nerima. So he was still in the city.
P-Chan was taken completely by surprise when she landed in front of
him.
Kodachi: [beaming] Oh, Ranma sweetums! I have come to deliver
you from your pain!
P-Chan looked behind him. That was strange, he couldn't see Ranma.
Kodachi reached down and tenderly, if firmly, lifted P-Chan to her
face.
Kodachi: Now we can be together, my love...[husky]...and as soon
as I get some hot water, you can make me your woman!
P-Chan started to scream (1).
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! Be brave, my darling! Wait a little while, and
then we will be married!
People looked up as they saw Kodachi go by. It wasn't everyday
people saw a leotard-wearing girl carrying a pig jump over their
heads on rooftops. Then again, perhaps it was. This *was* Nerima.
Still, the sound of a pig screaming intermingled with that
horrible, insane laughter made even the hardiest passerby stop and
thank the stars they weren't Kodachi's targets that day.
(1) Kodachi has the unique ability to make males ignore
their usual compulsions upon meeting her; that is, Mikado feels no
desire to kiss her, Ranma actually tries to get rid of her, Kuno
genuinely cares for her, Mousse doesn't let her walk all over him,
and Ryoga doesn't get a nosebleed when she's nice to him. The mind
boggles to think about what would happen if she were to fall in
love with Gosunkugi.
* * *
Ranko settled down at her usual spot, underneath the bridge on the
grassy slope. Watching the waves as she listened to the sound of
river rushing by was always soothing. Right now she needed to be
soothed.
Of course, that was slightly difficult at the moment. A song was
blaring loudly from a boat slowly passing by. Ranko gritted her
teeth. This was *her* spot, and she'd be darned if she'd let some
stupid radio move her from it. She settled down in the grass.
The song stopped. The announcer came on.
Announcer: ...That was 'My Wife Left Me In My Truck With My Dog So
I Got Nothing Left To Sing About,' by Jack Tennesee. It's
5:54, and coming up in a minute, 'Love Letters' with your
host, Keiko Makabe.
Keiko: Thanks, Yoichi--okay, today we've got a letter from Kyoko
in Nerima. "Dear Keiko, I'm in love with someone my family
won't let me see. I can't disobey them but I can't stop
loving him, either. What can I do about my feelings? They're
tearing me apart!" Well Kyoko, here's a trick I learned a
while ago. When you can't tell somebody how you feel, try
writing a letter to yourself saying it instead! It's easy,
it's painless, and nobody else has to know! Thanks for tuning
into 'Love Letters', and now back to Yoichi Takeda for the
news in sports!
As the announcer droned on about baseball, Ranko came to a
conclusion.
Ranma-chan: [thinking] Well...I'll try *anything* once, I guess.
Maybe it'll even help! Okay! I'll write a letter!! Yeah!
Ranko then stopped short, realizing her lack of pen and paper. She
looked around. There was a young man drawing the scenery, sitting
up on the bridge. Ranko walked up to him and put her best 'cute'
look on her face.
Ranma-chan: [sweetly] Hello there, kind sir!
The boy looked up. He looked around to see who she was talking to.
Despite her being only a few inches away from him.
Guy: Uh...you mean me?!
Ranma-chan: [irritated] Well, duh! Who else would I be--um, I
mean, [giggling] of course!
Guy: Uh...[getting his self-confidence back] Hi! My name's
Ataru, babe! What can I do for you?
Ranma-chan: Well, I was just looking around for a piece of paper
and I noticed you up here, all by your lonesome...
Ranko was interrupted by a sketchpad being shoved into her hands.
Guy: Paper! Have as much as you want!
Ranma-chan: Oh, uh, thanks. And did I mention I need a pen?
The boy rummaged around frantically in his pencil case. Ranko
calmly stooped down and picked up the pen that had fallen to the
ground by his feet.
Ranma-chan: Thanks! You're so sweet! [giggling] Oh, look at the
time! Gotta run!
Guy: Hey! Wait a second! What's your phone number!?
Behind him, a green-haired girl floated up to him. There was an
electric shock and the smell of ozone with a shout: "DARLING NO
BAKA!"
Lum sighed; getting Ataru to try sketching obviously wasn't helping
him become more sensitive, it was just helping him pick up girls.
As usual.
Ranko didn't look back. She was too busy running.
* * *
Kodachi hummed to herself as she put P-Chan down. Of course, the
doors were already locked and bolted. From both directions. P-
Chan looked like he wanted to bolt, himself. If he had been paying
more attention, he would have realized Kodachi was humming the
"wedding march".
Kodachi: Just a little while longer, my sweetums! I'm boiling the
water now! Then we can be together as man and woman.
P-Chan shivered at the prospect. He continued to look for a way
out.
Kodachi: [thoughtfully] Of course, we *could* work something out
with your porcine aspect as well...that might be interesting.
P-Chan gave a whimper. He was doomed.
He looked around, no longer searching for an escape, but for
something to commit suicide on.
Kodachi: Just think! We'll be together in just a few moments!
Oh, it sends shivers down my spine!
Kodachi stopped. She looked at the kettle. It wasn't boiling.
Kodachi: How odd. I suppose I must have forgotten to fill the
kettle with water in my excitement.
P-Chan looked up hopefully.
Kodachi: Luckily, I know just the solution!
She walked over to the cupboard and opened it. Inside was not
sugar, or plates, or anything you might ordinarily find in a
cupboard. Unless you live in the Kuno mansion. There, the most
common thing to put in cupboards were traps. This one was no
exception. There was a small lever inside. Kodachi pulled it.
Kodachi: Kuno Family Secret Trap Steam Attack!
A trap door opened up underneath P-Chan. His legs frantically swam
in air for half a second before he fell, screaming a little piggy
scream, into the pit below him, already piping hot and steaming.
His last thoughts before he plunged into boiling water were 'What
kind of person keeps pit traps in the kitchen?'
* * *
Ranko looked around her. She was sitting on a bench near a
fountain, in the centre of the city. Nobody seemed to be watching
her, and that guy and the flying girl were nowhere to be seen. She
settled down to write her letter. She got out the paper and the
pen and started writing.
Predictably, Ranko's mind went blank.
Ranko sighed. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. But
she hadn't even started yet! She searched her mind. The girl on
the radio had said to put all your feelings into it. Okay, that
was a start. Now, what did she feel?
Ranma-chan: 'I feel terrible'. Okay, now what? Argh.
She looked around for inspiration. She sighed and looked at the
page. Maybe she should just give up. She thought about that for
a second. Then she wrote it down.
Ranma-chan: 'Maybe I should just give up'. [enthusiastically
shouting] Ha! This is easy! I just have to write down what
I'm thinking, that's all!
Ranko looked up. People were looking at her. She blushed and
tried to become invisible.
Ranma-chan: Okay, concentrate on the letter. 'I wish I wasn't
here'. Argh! This is stupid!
Ranko grabbed the paper and was about to tear it apart, when she
remembered her mother talking to her.
Voice-over of Nodoka: You really *do* have to get in touch with
your feminine side...until you do, you'll never really
understand your whole self.
Ranko looked at the paper in front of her again.
Ranma-chan: Well...I guess I should try. 'I'll give it a try. It
couldn't get worse than it already is!' Yeah, that's it!
Ranko cheered herself on, mentally. Then she frowned. How *did*
you get in touch with your feminine side, anyways? Oh yeah, Ranko
remembered--girls liked pretty things, like flowers and stuff,
right? And hadn't her mom been talking about the park? She could
go there!
Ranma-chan: 'I'll go to the park and try there'. Okay, what's
that make?
Ranko looked at the letter in front of her.
Ranma-chan: Augh. Four lines. [thinking] Oh well, good enough.
Ranko scribbled a few lines at the end, signed it, and folded it
up. She smiled, happy to have finally finished it. Okay, what
came next? Oh yeah, she had to mail it.
She looked around and realized she had no envelope for it. She
debated throwing it into the garbage. She decided against it; if
she was going to do it, she might as well follow instructions to
the letter. She'd just have to find an envelope somewhere. On a
Sunday afternoon. But where?
Ranko started walking.
* * *
Kodachi looked down into the pit. She had to wait until it stopped
steaming, of course. She settled down to wait, thinking about what
she and Ranma would do when he got out. Marriage, of course, was
on the agenda. But there were so many things they could do...
Ryoga hit the water and transformed back instantaneously. He
almost screamed, but stopped himself. He didn't want to make any
noise with *her* up there. He latched onto the walls of the pit
with all his might. He thought frantically. What could he do now,
naked and alone with a madwoman?
Kodachi looked. The steam was almost all gone now. She decided to
risk a peek. She looked down. Nothing. She blinked in surprise.
There was nobody down there.
Ryoga looked up. Kodachi was standing right above him, looking
down. From her angle, she couldn't see him. He gave a silent
prayer of thanks. She moved. He prayed harder. She was bending
over. Ryoga came to a conclusion. He grabbed her ankle and used
the leverage to somersault out of the pit. Newton's third
law (1) in effect, the surprised Kodachi was sent tumbling into her
own pit, a rather surprised look on her face.
Ryoga quickly grabbed the lever controlling the trap door and
pulled it up, shutting the door. He looked around, grabbed a tea
towel to cover himself, and vaulted out of the window, running as
if his life depended on it. Behind him, thumps and curses could be
heard from the kitchen.
(1) "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction".
Actually, that's a paraphrase that doesn't quite hold up on physics
exams, but it's close enough for this story. Just don't try it at
home, kids--we're trained professionals.
* * *
Ukyou looked up from where she was putting the finishing touches on
an okinomiyaki. Business was brisk as usual, and this being the
dinner hour, she wasn't surprised to hear the door open with more
customers. She put on a smile.
Ukyou: Welcome to Ucchan's, I'm--Ranchan!
It was indeed Ranko standing in the doorway. She was carrying a
pen and paper, but Ukyou didn't notice. She ran to Ranko and
hugged her fiance. Let the okinomiyaki burn!
Ranma-chan: Hey, Ucchan, I--urk!
Ukyou realized that she was squeezing a little hard. She let go,
a little reluctantly.
Ukyou: Oops, sorry, Ranchan! [brightly] So, what brings you
here? Have a seat, Ranchan! I'll cook you up a super-special
okinomiyaki just for you in a second!
Ukyou took the okinomiyaki she had just prepared and put it on a
plate for Ranko, and started cooking another for her; Ranma always
had a huge appetite. The customer whose okinomiyaki it was decided
not to complain; when the food was as good as it was at Ucchan's,
you didn't complain about the petty things, like the owner's
fiance, even if they *were* both girls, or the fights between
martial artists that seemed to predominate the after-school hours.
Besides, they made dinner interesting.
Ukyou brought the second okinomiyaki over to Ranko's booth and sat
down with her. The okinomiyaki had a heart on it. Ranko was just
finishing the first one, stuffing her face like she hadn't eaten
for days. Ukyou remembered that Akane was helping to cook at the
Tendo's. Hm. Perhaps Ranma *hadn't* eaten in two days. She
resolved to make him another one, perhaps with their names
intertwined on it.
Ukyou: So, Ranchan, how are you?
Ranma-chan: [stuffing her face] Mrrph.
Amazingly enough, Ukyou understood Ranko. Whether this had more to
do with Ranma or Ukyou is debatable, not to mention irrelevant to
the story.
Ukyou: Really? That's great! And how's your mom?
Ranma-chan: [swallowing] Ggmprh.
Ukyou: You don't say? Too bad!
Ranko started on the second one, not noticing the heart design.
Ukyou sighed. One day...she smiled anyways, and resolved to try
harder.
Ukyou: Do you like it?
Ranko nodded empathetically. Everyone else trying to eavesdrop on
the pair sighed in relief, glad they could finally understand
something.
Ranma-chan: Mmmnnh!
Ukyou clapped her hands in delight.
Ukyou: Oh, I'm so glad! Another?
Ranko nodded.
Ranma-chan: Mghmhh! [swallowing] Thanks, Ucchan!
Ukyou: No problem! Anything for my fiance!
Ranma-chan: [swallowing] Um, speaking of which...
Ukyou: [laughing] Don't worry, I'll be by in time to help with
dinner. I'm closing early today just for you!
Ranma-chan: Uh, that's not it.
Ukyou: [serious] Oh, is there something you want from me, Ranma?
Anything I have is yours. Plus my heart.
Ranma-chan: [embarrassed] Uh, I only need an envelope.
Ukyou: [smiling] One envelope coming up!
Ukyou walked away. Ranko finished the okinomiyaki. Ukyou came
back with another, plus envelope.
Ukyou: There you go!
Ranma-chan: Thanks.
Ranko finished the okinomiyaki. She took out her pen and wrote on
the envelope: "Tendo dojo, Nerima, Japan". Then she put in the
letter and licked it shut. Ukyou watched her. She read the
address and frowned.
Ukyou: [ever-so-sweetly] Who's the letter for, Ranchan?
Ranma-chan: Huh? Uh, nobody! Nobody at all, Ucchan!
Ukyou: [suspicious] Is that so? Well, I notice you forgot the
stamp. I'll bet you don't even have one!
Ranma-chan: Ahh! You're right!
Ukyou: Well, why don't you leave it with me? I'll mail it on my
way out at dinner? That way you won't have to.
Ranma-chan: Really? Hey, thanks, Ukyou!
Ranko got up and left. Ukyou put the letter on the counter.
Ukyou: [darkly] Who does he think he is, writing a love letter to
Akane in *my* restaurant? Who does he think he is, writing a
love letter to *anybody* when I'm his fiancee? It's too bad
I forgot to mail it, isn't it?
The customer who still hadn't gotten his dinner sighed. Well, the
entertainment appeared to be over. He was wrong. It had just
begun.
* * *
Ryoga stopped running. He must have lost her by now. Come to
think of it, he was lost himself. But then, that was normal. It
made him feel, well, normal again. He looked around. He was in an
alley. He started walking. He tripped over someone.
Ryoga: Whoops. Sorry! Didn't see you there--Mousse?
Mousse got up. He had a headache. Mrs. Saotome's kick had
deposited him here and he had lost consciousness. He was
definitely having a bad day. Being tripped over didn't make life
any better. He snarled at Ryoga.
Mousse: Why don't you watch where you're going?
Ryoga looked at the ground where Mousse had been lying. There were
three ducks there, walking over to Mousse and acting like, well,
like family.
Ryoga: I said I was sorry...uh, Mousse, did you know you're being
followed?
Mousse spun in a circle.
Mousse: What? Where? Who?
Ryoga pointed one finger down. Mousse followed his finger to the
ducks. He leaned in close to see...a duck. It quacked at him with
a lovesick expression. Oh no. Not *that* duck. It couldn't be.
Not here. He glared up at Ryoga angrily, as if it were his fault.
Mousse: Oh yeah? Did *you* know that you're wearing a tea towel
as a skirt?
Ryoga: [blushing] This is all Ranma's fault.
Mousse: [darkly] My thoughts exactly.
Ryoga looked at Mousse, surprised. Mousse looked back at him,
blankly. He still didn't have his glasses.
Ryoga: I'd do anything to get my revenge on Ranma...
Mousse: Anything?
Ryoga: [backing up] Now wait a second! I know where this is
going! I don't want anything to do with the devil, or magic
potions, or wishes, or curses, or killing Ranma, or anything
at all like that!
Mousse: How about getting my glasses back?
Ryoga facefaulted.
Ryoga: [getting up] Oh, is that all? Sure, no problem. Then we
can strike back at Ranma together! Uh, where are they?
Mousse: Well, I don't know. So we'll have to go back to the
Nekohanten to get my spare pair. But without my glasses, I
can't find my way back. You'll have to lead the way.
Ryoga: [dubiously] Uh...I will? [looking around]
Well...okay...I think it's this way...
Ryoga started walking north. Mousse followed him. The ducks
followed him. Behind them all, the remaining three thousand ducks
formed a line and began to follow. Meanwhile, several blocks away,
Kodachi managed to extricate herself from the pit. She was not
pleased.
Kodachi: Ouch! That hurt. What could have possessed my darling
Ranma to act so hatefully towards me? [sadly] Does he hate
me? Does he really just not like me? Perhaps I should just
give up on him. Or is it...[evilly]...a spell! Cast by that
wicked girl! Yes, that must be it! The Black Rose will have
her revenge!
Laughter tends to carry far over the wind, but even so it didn't
reach Ryoga and Mousse. So when they both shivered uncontrollably
for a second they attributed it to the chill in the air. The ducks
didn't notice at all.
* * *
Closing time at Ucchan's. Ukyou thanked the last of her patrons,
closed the door, and sighed in relief. Now she had to run over to
the dojo and help with dinner. She hoped Ranma appreciated it.
Then she remembered the letter. She felt herself flush with anger.
Who else would he be writing to at the Tendo's home but Akane? Did
he think she was a complete idiot? Well, she wouldn't pass
judgement on him yet. She'd read the letter first, and if her
suspicions were correct, she'd just make a few teensy-tiny changes.
And Akane would never speak to him again. Yes, that would be
better than just keeping it herself. She smiled as she had a
daydream of Ranma running to her heartbroken over Akane running to
her and Ukyou comforting him. Then she snapped back to reality.
She steamed the letter with the kettle she always kept hot on the
stove for Ranma, opening it without a trace. Then she pulled it
out. She cringed looking at his writing. It was truly deplorable.
She'd have to...
Then the content of the letter hit her, and she fainted.
* * *
End of Part Four
Part Four
* * *
The sun was setting over Nerima. The sky was slowly turning from
sky blue high in the sky to a deep navy then to rosy red near the
cloudline. The clouds themselves were pinkish grey, and you could
see the convolutions as the colours merged and mixed freely, like
some heavenly painter's palette. Just above the horizon the sky
was a dusky orange. As Ranko watched, the colours slowly
rearranged themselves with the coming of night--a changing of the
guard, a friendly exchange perhaps, not simply fading but enjoying
the change. You couldn't help but feel something inside when you
looked at a sight like that.
It was one of Ranko's favourite times, and right now she was lying
on the roof of the dojo. She had a few things to sort through her
mind before she went back downstairs. But she always took time out
for the sunset when she could. Not too many people could say that.
It was one of the few times each day she could just relax.
Ranko felt another presence. She didn't hear them, exactly, or see
anything, but she knew someone was there. Whoever it was, they
weren't trying to sneak up her, so she ignored them and
concentrated on the beautiful work of nature before her. As the
last rays of sun disappeared, she closed her eyes and sighed.
After a minute, she sat up and looked at the presence.
Nodoka: I hope I'm not intruding...
Ranko gave her mother a faint smile.
Ranma-chan: No...I was just thinking of you.
Nodoka: Would you like to talk about it?
Ranma-chan: [guarded look] Maybe. [look of surprise] Hey! I
didn't answer truthfully! [realizing what she's just said]
I mean...
Nodoka: [laughing] I'm glad to hear it. The truth can be
powerful, but it can easily be misused. [pause] Actually, I
waited until I thought it would be used up before I came up.
Ranko gave her mother a quick look, then lied back down on the
roof.
Ranma-chan: In that case, sure.
Mrs. Saotome sat down next to Ranko. After a moment, she shrugged
and lied down as well.
Nodoka: I wanted to say a few things about tonight...I guess, most
importantly, I'm not angry with you.
Ranma-chan: You're not?
Mrs. Saotome smiled, though Ranko couldn't see it.
Nodoka: No. I just wish I *could* see Ranma and my husband. You
did hit a little close to home.
Ranma-chan: I'm sorry...
Nodoka: Second...I think tonight proved something to me. You
really *do* have to get in touch with your feminine side.
Ranma-chan: Huh? What d'you mean?
Nodoka: You have to learn control. You have a lot of strong
emotions, but you don't know how to control them. Sometimes
you keep them bottled up, and you end up hurting other people.
Sometimes, you let them out, and they end up lashing at
people.
Ranma-chan: But that doesn't leave anything!
Nodoka: Really? Try letting them out naturally. Find the middle
path.
Ranma-chan: Like that Taoist stuff from China (1)?
Mrs. Saotome sighed.
Nodoka: Actually, yes. But you don't have to follow Tao te Ching
to have a healthy outlook on life. Just remember, you don't
have to let someone know how you feel--but it helps,
especially if you're trying to establish a relationship with
them.
Ranma-chan: Whenever I do that, Akane tries to kill me!
Nodoka: There's a difference between how you feel about something
and how you feel about somebody, Ranko. It's not always best
to tell someone how you feel about something, especially if
you don't know them very well.
Ranma-chan: [frustrated] So you're telling me to not say
anything?
Nodoka: Oh, no. You should *always* give your feelings life,
Ranko. Somehow. Tell a friend, or someone you love.
Ranma-chan: But I--
Nodoka: You can tell the kami (2) if you've no one else. The
trees make good listeners. If you're unhappy deal with it,
don't just pretend it doesn't matter or it's not real. It's
real to you, isn't it?
Ranma-chan: Who says I ain't happy?
Nodoka: Ranko dear...what was that I was saying about not
pretending it doesn't exist?
Ranma-chan: Uh...
Nodoka: Good. Just remember not to let it rule you, either.
Ranma-chan: Nobody rules me! Wait...
Nodoka: You should always admit you're sad and do something about
it. But some people spend all their time trying to deal with
their sadness. If they were walking and talking and working
normally, they might notice they're not sad anymore. But
because they're wrapped up in their own feelings, they never
give them a chance to leave.
Ranma-chan: Uh...
Mrs. Saotome smiled again.
Nodoka: It's not easy to learn, I know. But it's worth it. I
think you should find your feminine half, your 'anima'. Until
you do, you'll never really understand your whole self, Ranko.
Ranma-chan: My anime? Like Sailor Moon?
Nodoka: No, no. 'Anima'. The female part of the soul. Everyone
has an anima and an animus, the male part. Everyone, male or
female. But some people listen to one side more than the
other.
Ranma-chan: Kind of like yin and yang?
Nodoka: A lot like it, yes. The balance is very important. Too
much of one can be too much.
Ranma-chan: So where does anime come in then?
Nodoka: [surprised] What?
Ranma-chan: You know...anima, animus, anime?
Nodoka: [getting frustrated] Ranko, anime has nothing to do with
this! Anime are just silly cartoons for children! It has
nothing to do with philosophy--let alone real life!
Ranma-chan: Oh.
Mrs. Saotome took a deep breath. Why was she getting so upset over
something childish like anime anyways? It wasn't like she had
anything to do with anime. No, she was just a bit upset that Ranko
seemed to be fighting her. Or maybe she was just having trouble
with a concept no one had ever bothered to tell her about before.
Again, Nodoka wondered about Ranko's mother. What kind of woman
had she been? When had she died? And what did Ranko think of her?
Mrs. Saotome calmed down quickly.
Nodoka: Third...well, I noticed something else, too.
Ranma-chan: What's that, auntie Saotome?
Nodoka: You're in love with Ryoga, aren't you?
Ranko choked.
(1) Taoism (pronounced "dah-oh-ism") is one of China's three main
teachings--more of a philosophy than a religion. The "Tao te
Ching," one of their main books, teaches calmness and happiness
under any conditions. Taoism is a religion I can respect
wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, I don't think I could ever learn to
relax..."just give me the coffee, and no one gets hurt," that's my
motto. If you're interested, Benjamin Hoff once wrote a fantastic
book to explain Taoism to westerners, called 'The Tao of Pooh'
(yep, Winnie the Pooh). It's for adults in case you were
wondering, and it's well worth reading.
(2) 'Kami' = spirit. Shinto, the Japanese official religion,
teaches that every living thing, and many non-living works of
nature, are filled with their own spirits, just as humans are. The
spirits of trees, rocks, even oceans and volcanoes are all around
you if you know how to look.
* * *
Three tourists driving down a familiar street in Nerima looked up.
First Tourist: Look--Japanese women lying on the root!
Second Tourist: Hey, you're right...I wonder why. Ancient
Japanese custom, perhaps?
First Tourist: Maybe it helps them live longer.
Third Tourist: Ah, the mysteries of the East!
All three tourists took out cameras and snapped pictures before
driving on.
* * *
Ranko sat up and looked at her mother with no small amount of
shock.
Ranma-chan: What in the world makes you think that I'm in love
with RYOGA?? Where did you get such a crazy idea?
Nodoka: In the dojo this morning...but you've always acted
strangely around him. You don't react like that--that
strongly I mean--to anyone else--even me. When he challenged
Ranma, or tonight when he insulted you...well, you just seemed
to react more than you had to. And I can tell that Ukyou,
Akane and Shampoo are trying to help you.
Ranma-chan: [incredulous] They are?
Nodoka: [nodding] Un. They're always so nice to him, but I can
tell they're not really interested in him. And they keep
bringing your name up with him. Not to worry, though. I'm
going to help you catch him.
Ranma-chan: [weakly] Nani (1)?
Nodoka: [beaming] Absolutely! We can go buy some new clothing
for you tomorrow! And that's just the start. There's a walk,
a way of talking, of eating, that just screams "look at me" to
the other sex. I'm not sure why, but they notice--without
realizing what they're noticing!
Ranma-chan: But I don't *want* to get him interested in me!
Mrs. Saotome gave her a knowing smile.
Nodoka: Of course, dear. Well, it won't be for him then. But
you're going to need to know for *someone* in your life,
aren't you?
Ranma-chan: Uh, well...
Nodoka: [cutting her off] Good. We'll go shopping tomorrow.
I'll show you how I caught my husband, Ranma's father.
Ranko tried to picture that. She laughed.
Ranma-chan: Sure. [remembering something] Um...
Nodoka: Yes, Ranko?
Ranma-chan: About tonight...
Nodoka: Yes?
Ranma-chan: [sweating] It's almost time for bed...
Nodoka: [laughs] Don't worry, Ranko. If you don't want to sleep
with me, it's quite all right.
Ranma-chan: [relieved] How did you know?
Nodoka: You keep asking me that. When you know what the answer
is, I'll tell you.
Ranma-chan: But that doesn't make any sense!
Nodoka: Ranko?
Ranma-chan: Yes, mom--I mean, auntie?
Ranko blushed at her slip. Mrs. Saotome hadn't seemed to notice,
though.
Nodoka: I have to ask you a question. I hope you won't be
offended.
Ranma-chan: Uh, sure.
Nodoka: I've noticed that you and my son are quite close. In
fact, he seems to be closer to you than anyone else, and vice
versa.
Ranma-chan: Yeah, well...
Nodoka: Well...you're not part of the Tendo family, really...but
you could be.
Ranma-chan: Huh?
Nodoka: Are you...[blushing]...interested in my son?
Ranma-chan: [shrieking] WHAT?!
Nodoka: [still blushing] I'm sorry, Ranko, but I had to ask.
[Ranko is still looking faintly horrified] He really does
mean that much to you then? I wonder...
Mrs. Saotome looked up into the night sky.
Nodoka: Look, the first star of night! When I was a little girl,
my mother used to watch the stars come out with me. She said
that if I wished hard enough when I saw the first star of the
evening, my wish would come true.
Both mother and son fall silent and watched as the stars unfolded
before them. They each sent a silent wish out to the stars that
only they could hear.
(1) 'Nani' = what?
* * *
In some places like Nerima, night was falling. In others, day was
breaking. Such as a desert where a lone man herded goats. This
particular man was looking at the horizon. He saw something and
smiled. He waited patiently as Ryoga made his way up the hill.
Ryoga: Hello...
Man: Welcome, welcome! It's been a while! I went down to town
and bought a few things you might be needing. I also told my
wife and daughter about you. They were quite impressed with
a young man who can survive in the wilderness like you.
Ryoga: [taken aback] Oh.
Man: Well, let's see...I have a compass for you somewhere...and a
relief map of the area...an atlas...a canteen of water, some
travel rations...and an instant camera so you can photograph
the places you visit...
Ryoga: You mean this isn't Tokyo?
The man facefaulted. He decided ignorance was bliss.
Man: [recovering] I looked up the Tendo dojo in the Japanese
registry, and I have coordinates for it; I have their phone
number and postal code...and I wrote down "Where is the Tendo
Dojo, Nerima, Japan?" in seventeen different languages so you
can ask directions!
Ryoga: [still taken aback] That's very nice of you, er...
Man: Mahmud.
Ryoga: Mahmud. [opening his pack] Is there anything I can give
you in return?
He pulls out several strange objects. Among them is a torcus
shaped donut with pink fibres in its centre, a ring with long
spikes hanging from it, the Holy Grail, the One Ring, and a copy of
the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And, of course, a towel (1).
Man: What's that...disc thing?
Ryoga: [picks up the donut] Oh, this? I don't know...I just
found it someplace. In Japan, I think. I don't know what it
does...I'll probably just throw it away in some junk heap
somewhere. [he shrugs. We see that he is wearing gloves, so
that his bare skin is never touching it (2)]
Man: Oh. Well, anyways...I have now done my best. May you find
the Tendo dojo, my friend! Good luck!
Ryoga: Oh, I've already been there.
Man: WHAT?
Ryoga: I'm looking for a bird of paradise now.
Man: ...
Ryoga: Would you happen to know where I could find one?
Man: OUT! GET OUT! ...and take your backpack with you. Bah.
Stupid foreigners.
(1) Why a towel? Foolish human, always know where your towel is.
(2) If you need a bigger hint than that, read 'Guyver'.
* * *
Nabiki came downstairs, yawning hugely. She was still in her
nightgown. Akane was watching Kimagure Orange Road on TV.
Nabiki: Hey, Akane!
Akane: Oh, good morning, Nabiki.
Nabiki: Where's Ranma and his mother? Not to mention Ukyou and
Shampoo? I haven't heard anything break this morning.
Akane: [still irritated] Shampoo isn't coming around here for a
while ever since I installed the sprinkler system. [more
thoughtfully] Ukyou says she can't afford to close her
restaurant for two weeks, so since Mrs. Saotome's out today,
she's working. And Mrs. Saotome and Ranma left early.
They're going shopping, apparently. Aunt Saotome said not to
wait up.
Nabiki: Really? I wonder if I can get in on that...
Akane: Don't you dare, Nabiki! Ranko actually *asked* me not to
come along when Mrs. Saotome invited me along!
Nabiki: And you didn't kill him?
Akane: [flustered] Well...I mean...he didn't say it like *that*.
It's just...well, it's time alone with his mom. He doesn't
care about her buying dresses or anything for him, after all.
Nabiki: My point exactly. That money should be going to someone
who can use it.
Akane: Like you?
Nabiki: [sweetly] Naturally. [normally] Are you sure Ranma
wasn't being forced against his will?
Akane: Well...he...she...didn't look *happy*, exactly. But she
didn't look like she was going to her doom, either. But he
was nice about asking.
Nabiki: My point exactly, Akane. Since when is Ranma nice?
Just then, the door opened and Kuno ran in, reaching Akane in a
split second. Kuno thrust a bouquet of roses into her surprised
hands as he wept happily.
Kuno: Oh, happy day! If the words that have reached mine own ears
have not deceived me, the evil sorcerer Ranma Saotome has fled
my wrath! At long last, the fair Akane Tendo and the
beauteous yet mysterious pig-tailed girl shall be free to vent
their true feelings for me!
Akane: [recovering somewhat] Vent THIS, Kuno!
Akane flattened Kuno's face with her fist.
Kuno: [muffled by a fist] It appears that the vile conjurer's
enchantment is not yet broken. [normally] And yet I know of
a cure for such enslaving powers! Truly, 'tis said in legend
and lore, that to break a spell over an innocent maid, the
method of choice is a kiss, which by virtue of the love behind
it, shatters all such bonds of spirit like a blade shatters
wood!
Akane: Kuno?
Kuno gazed up at Akane.
Kuno: Yes, my love?
Akane: If you lay your lips on me I will rip them from your face
and feed them to you.
Kuno: You say this now, my love, whilst underneath the nefarious
charms of the sinful hypnotist Saotome! Yet his base
conjurations will be as dust once I, Tatewake Kuno, am through
with the ignoble Saotome! His base plans will be finished,
his low conceptions ended, his odious schemes disrupted and
his foul ambitions eradicated!
Nabiki: Say, Kuno-baby?
Kuno turned his head the slightest amount needed to look at Nabiki.
Kuno: Yes, Nabiki Tendo?
Nabiki: Are you using a thesaurus to come up with all those
synonyms?
Kuno touched one of his hands to his locks modestly.
Kuno: 'Tis a gift the Kuno clan has held for some time now, this
genius for words.
Nabiki: Oh. I was going to suggest a better one.
Kuno: [irritated] What is your point, Nabiki?
Nabiki: My point is, I know where the pig-tailed girl is.
Kuno: Verily? Then speak, sister to the wonderful Akane!
Nabiki: Ahem.
Kuno: How much?
Akane: HEY!
Kuno and Nabiki both look at her.
Akane: Aren't you forgetting someone?
Kuno: Never, my love! 'Tis but the duty of the Samurai to free
*all* those who suffer under the bonds of magic and depravity!
Nabiki: You *want* Kuno to notice you?
Kuno: [irritated] I heard that, Nabiki Tendo.
Akane threw her hands into the air in disgust.
Akane: Oh, never mind.
Nabiki: Five thousand yen, Kuno-baby.
Kuno: What? The gods weep at such a price, Nabiki Tendo!
Nabiki shrugged.
Nabiki: Your loss. Of course, she *is* out with Saotome-san right
now.
Kuno: WHAAAT? The demure, maidenly pig-tailed girl on a date with
Saotome?!
Nabiki: [tartly] You heard what I said.
Kuno: This I swear! Saotome shall pay for his misdeeds! [pulling
out his wallet] Five thousand yen. Now where is the vile
miscreant hiding?
Nabiki: They're out shopping.
Kuno: [incredulously] Five thousand yen for that?
Nabiki: [in a tone of wonder] You know what? You're right.
Kuno: [smirks] I thought so.
Nabiki: Ten thousand yen.
Kuno: WHAT?
Nabiki: [very slowly, as if talking to an infant] Ten...
thousand...yen.
Kuno: For what?
Nabiki: For me not telling your pig-tailed girl that you saw me in
my nightgown.
Kuno looked at Nabiki closely for the first time. He realized
that, in fact, she was in her nightclothes.
Kuno: Urk! I mean...very well, for even the pure and innocent
such as my love, the sweet pig-tailed girl could misconstrue
my pure intentions to read such pervertedness as a Saotome by
your twisted words, Nabiki Tendo! Five thousand yen more to
your silence!
Nabiki: Ahem.
Kuno: Now what?
Nabiki: I *said*, ten thousand yen.
Kuno: I gave you ten thousand yen!
Nabiki: No, you gave me five thousand. Plus five thousand for the
information.
Kuno: [angrily] You shall surely come to an untimely end, Nabiki
Tendo.
Nabiki: [sarcastically] I'm *so* scared.
Kuno: Five thousand yen...there! Now, before you bankrupt the
Kuno fortune, I shall fly to the defence of my love!
Nabiki: Bye-bye, Kuno-baby.
Kuno turned to leave. Just as he began to walk forward, though, he
turned back and took Akane's hands once more.
Kuno: But wait! How can I abandon my love, the athletic Akane?
To leave her unguarded in this place could invite the sorcerer
in once he learns of my coming and flees! I must protect you,
oh fair maiden, from the clutches of this madman!
Kuno staggered to his knees under the weight of his dilemma.
Kuno: But...the pig-tailed one! So sweet, so innocent...and
already in his clutches. How can I leave her to such a fate?
Truly the fates are unkind! I must give up the one to save
the other! Yet I cannot choose! How can I leave either--
Akane kicked Kuno out the door and slammed it in his face.
Akane: [shouting] There! That should make your decision easier!
Nabiki: You're not in a good mood today, are you?
Akane: You're one to talk! You lied to him, Nabiki!
Nabiki: Moi? I said that the pig-tailed girl was out with
Saotome-san, which she is. I didn't say *which* Saotome, and
Kuno didn't ask. Besides, it would've cost him.
Nabiki smiled to herself. Akane went back to the TV.
* * *
Ranko and her mother were shopping in the Ginza district. Ranko
found that much to her disbelief, she was enjoying herself. Rather
than the dull, boring day she had envisioned it was more like a
game between friends. The two Saotome females were chatting like
old friends, poking fun of each other and trying on absurd outfits.
They shared private jokes at the expense of the shopkeepers and
swapped stories about their reactions afterwards. In fact, Ranko
found the whole thing quite invirogating, despite the three bags
she was now carrying. The weather was clear and sunny and as the
lazy sunday morning wore on, Ranko realized that she was having a
wonderful time. She looked fondly at her mother.
Mrs. Saotome was looking in a store's window display pointing at a
particularly risque dress and commenting on Ranko's colours. A few
hours ago, Ranko would have been horrified at the idea, but she was
getting used to it.
Nodoka: [joking] What do you think? Too conservative?
Ranma-chan: [laughing] Auntie Saotome! You're supposed to be a
*good* influence on me!
Ranko was surprised at how fast she had accepted her role as Ranko
to her mother. And she was a little suspicious of how much fun she
was having already. But she didn't let it bother her. Nothing was
going to spoil this moment for Ranko.
Then Kuno showed up.
Kuno ran up to Ranko, his arms outstretched towards her.
Kuno: Pig-tailed girl! I love y--WHAM
Mrs. Saotome looked back at Ranko, who was standing in the street
with one arm outstretched, as if to punch someone. There was no
one there. She blinked.
Nodoka: Did you say something, dear?
Ranko turned and smiled at her mother.
Ranma-chan: Nope!
The two continued lazily down the street, where an ice-cream store
was calling their names. Down below in the river, Tatewake Kuno
floated by, unconscious. Two old men were fishing on the shore as
Kuno passed them.
First Old Man: Look at that!
Second Old Man: Disgusting. They'll dump anything into the rivers
these days. When I was a boy they kept the water clean.
* * *
Mousse was not having a good day. Having been tossed out of the
Tendo dojo, it had taken him almost the entire night to find his
way back to the Nekohanten in duck form. Luckily, he kept a spare
pair of glasses hidden there. If Cologne hadn't simply thrown out
all of his possessions for not showing up for work. Or Shampoo
hadn't found them and used them for target practice. And he
*still* hadn't gotten any hot water.
So intent was Mousse on his troubles that he didn't notice the car
that hit him.
* * *
Mrs. Saotome sat down. Ranko was already staring at the mountain
of ice cream in between the two of them. It was twelve scoops of
ice cream, each a different flavour, topped with three sauces, two
cherries, three kinds of nuts and (of course) two spoons. Ranko
felt her mouth beginning to slaver in anticipation. Still, one
thing stopped her. She looked at her mother for a moment in
apprehension.
Ranma-chan: [doubtful] Are you *sure* this is okay? I mean,
don't girls have to watch their weight or something?
Nodoka: [conspiratorially] Do *you* see anybody watching?
Ranma-chan: [catching on] Nope!
Mrs. Saotome giggled and got out her spoon. Ranko was already
digging in.
* * *
Mousse woke up. It took him a few moments to realize what had
happened, and then a few more to figure out where he was. It was
slightly more difficult than normal, after all, when one is hanging
tied up from the ceiling. Next to several other chickens and
ducks, some plucked and some not. Mousse quacked in fear. Looking
around, he saw shapes down below him...whites, and beiges, and
orange... cheese! He realized he must be in a deli. That set him
off to quacking again. What kind of person brought roadkill into a
deli? For that matter, didn't they stop to check if he was still
alive? Mousse quacked in anger. Still, no one seemed to notice.
Maybe it was their lunch break. Mousse sagged.
Then he realized he was hanging next to a window! And through that
window he could see...shapes! Well, that was pretty much
guaranteed from the beginning. But these shapes were moving! And
that could only mean one thing...people! Mousse started to rock
back and forth, until his beak touched the glass, tapping it, and
then he swung back...
* * *
Ranko sat back in her chair. She had never, ever, in her whole
entire life felt more stuffed. Despite her mother's protestations,
Mrs. Saotome hadn't eaten more than two scoops of the whole thing.
Ranko had scarfed down the rest of it. If she had to eat another
bite, she'd burst. She just knew it.
Ranko heard a faint tapping from the window beside her. The ice-
cream parlour was next to a delicatessen, and there was just a
glass pane separating the two, perhaps to entice viewers into
buying lunch meats. Ranko wasn't sure. She looked at the window
oddly, but couldn't see anyone there. She shrugged and turned
back.
tap!
Ranko turned around again. That was strange. She was *sure* she
had heard a noise that time...maybe it came from eating too much
ice cream?
tap!
That did it. Ranko was sure, this time. She walked over to the
glass. There was a duck, tied up and hanging from the ceiling. It
was swinging back and forth on it's string. It opened its mouth in
a silent quack. Ranko giggled at it. The duck seemed to go into
paroxysms. She laughed at it some more.
Nodoka: Ranko? I've paid for the...Ranko? Where did you run off
to? [walking up to Ranko] Oh, there you are! What are you
looking at? [seeing the duck] Good heavens! Don't tell me
you're hungry after all that?
Ranko turned to her mother.
Ranma-chan: Oh, no, auntie! I just...
Nodoka: Well, then dear, let's be off. The world awaits!
The two left the parlour behind.
Mousse glared at their retreating backs. He couldn't recognize the
large blur, but for a moment, when the smaller blur had leaned in
close to the glass, he had made out a face. The face of Ranma
Saotome!
Duck: Quack! [translation: "Saotome, you will pay! You will
PAY!!"]
* * *
As the sun reached its apex high overhead, Ranko had already
reached hers. Hours ago. And she was slowly winding down.
Something was wrong, but she couldn't put her finger on it. She
glanced at her mother out of the corner of her eye. She couldn't
let her see her frown. She smiled a little bit forcefully. Then
she remembered something. Today was Sunday. She had school
tomorrow. But she couldn't go to school as a girl. And her
dragon's hair seal had been taken away by her mother. Ranko
cleared her throat.
Ranma-chan: Say, um, auntie?
Nodoka: Yes, Ranko dear?
Ranma-chan: Uh, I was just wondering...er...what you did with the
tie I had for my pig-tail...
Nodoka: That thing? It was getting a bit old, so I threw it out.
Ranma-chan: WHAAAAAT?
Nodoka: [smiling] But not to worry! I bought you a new one! But
I really *do* think you look *much* prettier like this, dear!
You should give it some thought!
Ranma-chan: ...
Ranko felt her life as a male slipping away from her. Then she
shook the feeling off. She was Ranma Saotome! Well, actually,
right now she was Ranko Tendo. But she could do anything! Yeah!
All she had to do was dig through a few dozen bags of household
garbage before 7 a.m. tomorrow morning! No problem. Really. She
forced a smile on her face.
Then the problem hit her. That was it! That was what was wrong--
she had been trying to please her mother so much...the strain was
beginning to tell on her. Smiling and laughing can be fun, but it
can also be taxing when you're not in the mood for it, or when
you're nervous about something.
Well...it *had* been fun, some of it. And she liked being with her
mother. But at the same time...it wasn't how Ranma wanted to be
with her--as mother and son. Ranko sighed unhappily. She wasn't
sure how much more of this she could take. She was riding an
emotional roller coaster, and the ups and downs were coming much
too quickly for her to absorb. She looked back up at her mother
guiltily, realizing she had sighed aloud. She resolved to smile
more. Her mother couldn't be convinced that it was her own
presence that was depressing Ranko. Her smile looked slightly
forced. She swore, if *one* more thing happened today...
Kodachi: OHOHOHOHO! OHOHOHO! So, my dear, at last I have found
you!
With an insane laugh, Kodachi landed on one foot in front of the
two. She paused in that position to laugh her head off. She was
dressed only in a leotard, which struck some as odd, considering it
was autumn. Others didn't think twice about it; these were the
people who knew Kodachi, by experience or reputation. They saw her
and quickly left the scene before they could get covered in black
petals.
Ranko put her head into her hands.
Ranko: What have I done to deserve this?
Nodoka: [confused] Excuse me, but do you mean me?
Kodachi looked at Mrs. Saotome as a horse looks at a fly. That is,
as an irritant. She responded patronizingly to Mrs. Saotome.
Kodachi: Not you, foolish woman--the wicked girl! [to Ranko] I
am here to free my darling Ranma! Sasuke tells me he hasn't
been able to find hide nor hair of my love since Wednesday!
Tell me where you have hidden him, and I might let you live!
OHOHOHO! OHOHOHO!
Nodoka: [gasping] *Your* Ranma?
Ranma-chan: [shaking her head] No...I don't believe this...
Kodachi: Wretch! Dare you speak to the Black Rose in that tone?
I will have to...[pause]...to...[pause]...oh, dear.
Ranko peeked out between her fingers.
Ranma-chan: What?
Kodachi: You're not the pig-tailed wench, are you? How odd...I
was *sure* if I followed my brother, he would lead me to
her...oops! Silly me!
Kodachi covered her mouth demurely as she laughed, which did
nothing to make her look or sound any more demure than, say, a
bunch of fear-crazed apes attacking a mack truck. On drugs.
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! Excuse me, I must be off! OHOHOHOHO!
Kodachi bounded onto a building and was quickly out of sight. The
only evidence of her passing were the hundreds of black rose petals
that now graced the clothing of Ranko and her mother. Not to
mention the ground, the cars, the buildings, and the occasional
passerby. Mrs. Saotome stood there, stunned. This was the normal
reaction for most people upon their first meeting with Kodachi
Kuno. Actually, this was the normal reaction for most people upon
*any* meeting with Kodachi. Kodachi made that kind of impression
on people.
Ranko looked around with no little confusion.
Ranma-chan: Weird...I wonder why...
Inspiration struck her and she put her fist into the palm of her
other hand with a smack.
Ranma-chan: Of course! I'm not the 'pig-tailed girl' anymore,
without pig-tails!
Ranko laughed happily, as if freed from some heavy burden weighing
on her.
Kuno ran up to her.
Kuno: PIG-TAILED GIR--THWACK--ugh.
Ranko watched as he fell down into the river again with a splash.
Ranma-chan: [sighing] He must be too stupid to let it affect him.
Nodoka: Ranko! Kicking boys into the sewer system is
reprehensible! Although apt. [shaking her head] That was
completely uncalled for! Speaking of which, what *was* that?
Ranma-chan: [looking up guiltily] Uh, what do you mean, what was
that?
Nodoka: That...girl, and that boy...
Ranma-chan: [a bit down] It could take a while.
Nodoka: I have time.
Ranma-chan: [seeing no way out of it] ...Okay. It all started
when I got to Furinken High...and there was this guy,
upperclassman Kuno, who had this thing for Akane...
* * *
Ryoga was wandering. As usual. Funny, Saudi Arabia looked a lot
like Japan. For that matter, a lot of places did. Even the signs
were in kanji. He sighed. He'd never get to Japan if he didn't
hurry. His stomach took that moment to growl at him. He looked
around for someplace to eat. There was a deli just across the
street from him. He looked in the window. It all looked good.
But he didn't have any money for food. He needed all his
for...then he noticed something. One of the birds hanging from the
ceiling was moving--almost like it recognized him and was trying to
catch his attention!
Ryoga had a quick laugh about that.
Then he remembered his quest: The bird of paradise. Ryoga wasn't
sure what a bird of paradise looked like, actually. Maybe they had
one in there, or at least a picture of one. It couldn't hurt to
ask. He walked into the store.
Man: Can I help you, sir?
Ryoga: I want to buy a feather.
Man: Pardon me?
Ryoga: I need a feather.
Man: A feather?
Ryoga: From a bird of paradise. Do you have any?
The shopkeeper looked at Ryoga. He realized someone was playing a
trick on him. He shrugged and decided to play along.
Man: Ah...why, yes! [pulling out Mousse] This is one right here!
But you have to buy the whole thing!
Ryoga: Oh...[fumbling with his change] How much?
The shopkeeper smiled thinly.
Man: It's your lucky day! We have a special on bird of paradise
today, just two thousand yen per pound...
Ryoga looked at the money in his hand. He looked up at the
shopkeeper.
Ryoga: Could I just get a wing or something?
Mousse: QUACK! [translation: "NO! NO! NO! Somebody, anybody,
HELP!"]
* * *
Cut to a restaurant, where Ranko is just finishing both a sukiyaki
lunch and her story.
Ranma-chan: ...So then Kodachi came and gave me flowers for Ranma,
saying she had a completely *new* passion for him! And that's
about it. She's never given up on Ranma since. And Kuno's
never given up on me.
Nodoka: Remarkable...perhaps I was too hasty in thinking you
couldn't catch a boy.
Ranma-chan: AUNTIE!
Mrs. Saotome smiled at Ranko mischievously.
Nodoka: Just kidding, dear. It must be terrible with those two
after you. And it's nice to see you sticking up for Ranma.
I hope he appreciates the hard work you do for him.
Ranma-chan: [under her breath] Oh, you bet.
Mrs. Saotome checked her watch.
Nodoka: Well...it's about three now. We still have the whole
afternoon to get your ears pierced...and I think a picnic
dinner would be a perfect end to the evening...say, in Nerima
park. It's a wonderful place; I often go there when I'm
thinking of Ranma.
Ranko slumped a bit. She still needed a few hours to sort through
the garbage, and she *still* hadn't gotten a full night's sleep
since her mother had gotten here. If she couldn't get some time to
herself before tonight, she'd be a living zombie in class tomorrow.
And she had a chem exam first class!
Ranma-chan: Ahhh...Auntie Saotome...if it's not a bother...
um...I'd rather just go home.
Mrs. Saotome looked at Ranko with a wounded expression. Ranko
hurriedly backpedalled.
Ranma-chan: I mean...I'm having fun and all, but...I'm getting
tired.
Nodoka: Well...if you say so, dear. We can go home and talk...
Ranma-chan: NO! [blushing] I mean...
Nodoka: [chagrined] I see.
Ranma-chan: It's not like that!
Mrs. Saotome sighed.
Nodoka: I'm sorry, dear. I guess I *have* been monopolizing your
time since I got here. Well, why don't you go on home then.
I'll...take a walk. [smiling sadly] After all, I'll be here
until Kasumi gets better.
Ranma-chan: But I...
Nodoka: [smiling] No need to explain, dear. I'll see you later.
Ranma's mother left, leaving Ranko standing confused and
frustrated.
Ranma-chan: Oh man...I can't take this any more.
Voice-over of Nodoka: ...After all, I'll be here until Kasumi gets
better.
Ranma-chan: Argh! It's only been four days! It feels like a
year... Hey! Until she gets better? Dr. Tofu!
Ranko ran out of the restaurant.
* * *
Two old ladies watched as Ranko passed them running.
First Old Lady: Say, didn't that girl go inside with a woman? The
one in the kimono? They probably had a fight. Interesting.
Second Old Lady: You want interesting? Why, just this week, I was
in a restaurant when a duck wandered in! The waiter tripped
on the poor thing, and suddenly a boy appeared, stark naked!
Second Old Lady: No! What did you do?
First Old Lady: Me and the girls thrashed the pervert. He ran off
screaming, never to be seen from again.
Second Old Lady: How odd...nothing like that ever happens to me.
[sighing] Now, if I could just get that ingrate grandson of
mine, Yusaku, to take me in again...
* * *
Dr. Tofu was just finishing up with his last client of the day when
the door of his clinic burst open and Ranko came running through.
Dr. Tofu: ...and remember, stay away from throwing any more desks
or you'll put your shoulder out again! Even at Ataru!
Girl: Yes, doctor.
Shinobu stood up and left, glancing at Ranko as she left with a
puzzled expression.
Dr. Tofu: Now, what can I do for...Ranma! How's it going?
Ranma-chan: Until mom leaves it's 'Ranko', Dr. Tofu.
Dr. Tofu: Oh yes, your mother! You must be happy to have such a
wonderful woman as your parent.
Ranma-chan: Uh, yeah...actually, I wanted to speak to you about
Kasumi.
Dr. Tofu's glasses noticeably fogged up.
Dr. Tofu: Ka-kasumi?
Ranma-chan: Oh, no...c'mon, snap out of it, doc!
Ranko slapped Dr. Tofu. Dr. Tofu ignored her and turned to talk
to, apparently, Betty, his skeleton.
Dr. Tofu: And what seems to be the problem with her, Ranma?
Ranma-chan: [desperately] Her ankle! Her ankle!
Dr. Tofu: Oh, really? I'd better have a look at it, then.
Ranma-chan: You already did!
Dr. Tofu: Did I? What did I say?
Ranma-chan: AARGH!
Ranko grabbed Dr. Tofu by the shirt and turned him around.
Ranma-chan: I'm over here!
Dr. Tofu: Oh, sorry about that, Ranma. You were asking me
something?
Ranma-chan: [relieved] Yes...I wanted to know if there's anything
you can do to speed up her recovery.
Dr. Tofu: [frowning] Not really, Ranma. It's the type of injury
that takes time to heal...
Ranma-chan: [downcast] Oh. So, another week and a half then...
Dr. Tofu: [sharply] What? Who told you that, Ranma?
Ranma-chan: Huh? Uh, you did, doctor...
Dr. Tofu: How odd. I wonder what I was thinking. No, her type of
injury will take at least three weeks to heal properly!
Ranma-chan: [horrified] THREE WEEKS?
Dr. Tofu: [nodding] At least.
Ranma-chan: What am I gonna do? I can't last three weeks!
Ranko noticed Dr. Tofu looking at her oddly. She was getting a lot
of that recently.
Ranma-chan: Well, thanks anyways. Be seeing you, doctor!
Ranko ran out past her father, who was sweeping the floor.
Dr. Tofu: [to Mr. Saotome] What an odd girl. Don't you think so,
Betty?
Panda: Growf.
Dr. Tofu: I wonder why she was asking about Shinobu's arm?
Panda: Growf.
As Dr. Tofu walked back into his clinic, he hit his head on the
door frame. His glasses fell to the ground. They were still
fogged up.
* * *
Ryoga sat over his campfire, ready for an early dinner. He was
boiling water for instant ramen. He had learned from past
experience that any meal with boiling water was a good meal. Then
he remembered the bird of paradise he had in his backpack.
Ryoga: Oh, that's right...[pulling out Mousse] Now just hold
still, I only want a feather.
Ryoga yanked hard.
Mousse: QUACK! [translation: "[CENSORED]"]
Ryoga: Great. Now what do I do with it?
Looking at the duck--er, bird of paradise, Ryoga shrugged. He
threw it into the bushes behind him and settled down for dinner.
Mousse slowly and agonizingly dragged himself back to the camp
again. He quacked angrily at Ryoga. Ryoga looked down at the
duck. Mousse quacked again, then pointed with his bill at the hot
water.
Ryoga: What, this? Sorry, it's my dinner. You can't have any.
Ryoga proceeded to make ramen, while Mousse alternately dragged
closer and quacked in desperation. Finally, Ryoga finished dinner
with a sigh.
Ryoga: Ah, that was good.
Mousse: Quack! Quack! Quackety quack quack! QUACK!
[translation: "I need hot water!"]
Ryoga: ...Too bad it's all gone.
Mousse: QUACK! [translation: "AAAAAAAAUGH!"]
Ryoga looked at the duck. It was certainly an irritating creature.
Maybe if he threw the pot at it, he could scare it away, or at
least make it shut up. He threw it at the annoying thing. There
was one last, desperate 'quack!'. Then Ryoga fell down, struck on
the head by his own pot. Mousse looked at the unconscious figure.
Mousse: Hmph. Serves you right.
Mousse started to walk away, still steaming a bit from where the
scalding liquid in the pot had hit him. Just as he did, thunder
crackled in the distance. Mousse looked up at the sky. He walked
back and picked up Ryoga's bamboo umbrella. Then he left.
Rain started to fall.
* * *
Ranko ran back to the dojo. On the way back, she mulled things
over in her mind. She had the nagging feeling of forgetting
something, something very, very important...
Voice-over of Mr. Tendo: I'm sorry to say that Genma and Ranma
left on a training mission and won't be back for...two-and-a-
half weeks.
Ranko slaps her fist into the palm of her other hand.
Ranma-chan: And that was days ago! But if her injury takes three
weeks to heal...'Ranma' is going to show up before she leaves!
What am I going to do? AAAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!
Ranko turned around and ran in the other direction. At the dojo,
Akane's ears perked up.
Akane: Hey Nabiki, did you hear something?
Nabiki: [bored] It must have been your imagination, Akane.
Ranko passed an elderly couple.
Old Man: Wasn't she running in the other direction just a minute
ago?
Old Woman: And before that she was running out of a restaurant.
Old Man: Youth today. They're in such a hurry.
Old Woman: And they never know where they're going.
They continued on their way.
* * *
Ranko stopped in her tracks. Kodachi had just landed in front of
her, for the second time that day. That was definitely on her list
of top ten things she tried to avoid in one day. She looked at the
crazed gymnast warily.
Ranma-chan: Yo, what's up, Kodachi?
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! Your pitiful attempts at disguise won't work on
me, my dear! I know you for who you are now!
Ranma-chan: It took you this long?
Kodachi: Don't you speak to me like that! Now tell me...
[menacingly] What have you done with my darling Ranma?
Ranko sighed.
Ranma-chan: I ain't got time for this, Kodachi.
Kodachi took out a ribbon and snapped it in Ranko's face.
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! That's right, my dear! You don't have much
time left at all, unless you tell me what I want to know!
Ranko thought quickly.
Ranma-chan: Er, okay. Ranma eloped with Shampoo.
Kodachi reacted as if slapped. Wait, that's not right. Kodachi
would probably kill anybody who slapped her. She reacted as if
told her true love was eloping with a Chinese amazon with naturally
blue hair.
Kodachi: WHAT!?
Ranma-chan: He said they were going to honeymoon in...er...Canada.
Yeah. That's it. [to herself] That oughta get her out of my
hair for a few weeks.
Kodachi: Ranma sweetums, how *could* you? Wait, wait--it must be
that horrid amazon's magic potions! How terrible, to have to
stoop so low as to cheat!
Ranko couldn't help herself.
Ranma-chan: But Kodachi, don't *you* cheat all the time?
Kodachi: That's different! When *I* cheat, at least I do it
right! OHOHOHO!
Ranko shivered. It had nothing to do with the chill in the air.
Kodachi: Well, I must be off, my dear. I have a wedding to break
up! OHOHOHO!
Kodachi jumped into the air, leaving a trail of black petals
behind (1). Ranko breathed in a sigh of relief. Two seconds
later, Kodachi landed in front of her again, her ribbon poised to
strike. Ranko blinked.
Ranma-chan: Haven't we already done this scene?
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! So you thought you could trick the Black Rose!
Well, know that Kodachi Kuno is mistress of trickery! You
can't beat me at my own game, girl--so don't even try. I know
for a fact that NOBODY honeymoons in Canada!
Ranma-chan: They don't?
Kodachi: [sneering] Of course not! Who wants to vacation in a
desolate wasteland? Well, except for the Eskimos, I suppose.
Not to mention those horrible polar bears. But living in an
igloo... (2)?
Kodachi gave a shudder at the thought. Ranko resolved to pay more
attention in Geography class--or at least look at an atlas someday.
She had always thought that Canada was a U.S. state, and weren't
they all sunny and warm? Well, except for Alaska, maybe. But that
was up at the north pole.
Kodachi: No more stalling! You WILL tell me where Ranma is!
Ranma-chan: [thinking fast] He's not here.
Kodachi: I KNOW THAT, you stupid girl! WHERE is he?
Ranma-chan: Uh...well...he's...uh...
Ranko thought about it. That ribbon of Kodachi's looked a lot like
a whip. And she was tired. And angry. And she just plain didn't
care anymore. Ranko sighed and crossed her arms tiredly.
Ranma-chan: Okay, Kodachi. You asked for it. I'll tell you.
'Ranma' has been here all along.
Kodachi: What are you talking about, you foolish woman? I told
you, no more tricks!
Ranma-chan: [angry] Alright, so I heard you already! Just
listen to me, okay? Ranma fell into a cursed spring. You
following so far?
Kodachi: A cursed spring?
Ranma-chan: I guess not. Okay, there's these training grounds in
China, called Jhusenkyo, or something...and people who fall in
the springs there turn into stuff.
Kodachi: Whaaaat?
Ranma-chan: Well, things. You know. But it's not permanent. Hot
water turns them back.
Kodachi: THINGS? What do you mean by 'things'?
Ranma-chan: You know, animals, plants, robots--no, wait...
Kodachi: My poor Ranma is a THING?
Ranma-chan: I don't think I'm getting through here.
Kodachi: What did you turn him into, you horrible evil girl?
Ranma-chan: HEY! I DIDN'T DO IT!
Ranko suddenly got an evil gleam in her eye.
Ranma-chan: You know, Kodachi, maybe you shouldn't be saying
things like that to me.
Kodachi: What do you mean?
Ranko stepped forward.
Ranma-chan: Look, what's the worst possible thing 'your' Ranma
could become?
Kodachi: [horrified] You don't mean...
Ranma-chan: [nodding] I see you've finally got it. At least you
*did* get it. That dumb Kuno still hasn't--
Kodachi: MY RANMA IS A PIG??
Ranma-chan: [taken aback] What?
Kodachi: That pig you used in the match!
Ranma-chan: Uh, no--
Kodachi: HOW COULD YOU??
Ranma-chan: Wait a--
Kodachi: Oh, you wicked, wicked girl! I will *never* forgive what
you have done to my fiance! But right now, my place is at my
darlings' side, not here giving you the beating you so rightly
deserve! Another time, perhaps!
Ranma-chan: But--
Kodachi leapt into the air, scattering black rose petals. Ranko
started sneezing in the petal-filled air, unable to continue.
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! Ranma sweetums, I'm coming! Be brave, dear
heart! OHOHOHO!
Ranko wondered what would happen when Kodachi found Ryoga. Then
she wondered if China would be a good place to visit at this time
of year.
Ranma-chan: Oh well. Better him than me, I guess.
(1) The rare black rose (*Insaneum Gymnasium Prolificus*) is
only found in a few places across the globe. Kodachi has a large
garden of them which she uses to finance her 'habit'.
(2) Being Canadian, I reserve the right to make fun of Canada
and Canadians, specifically those in Ontario, without being flamed.
The same applies for Roman Catholicism and Catholics, Anime and
Otaku, RPGs and RPGers, and people with horrible, awful, terrible
and very bad senses of direction. It says something when my
nickname is Ryoga to my friends. I just wish I could
Shishihoukoudan all of them too. So I got lost going in a straight
line. Big deal. You'd think they'd let me live it down after a
year.
* * *
The Tendo family living room was, for once, quiet and serene.
Perhaps it was the presence of Mrs. Saotome and Kasumi that was
adding the necessary island of calmness to Nerima's normal
insanity. Whatever the case, everyone was relaxing in the
unexpected pleasantly boring day.
Soun: Ah, this is the life! What could possibly go wrong on a day
like this?
Nabiki rapidly excused herself from the room. Kasumi was protected
from any kind of danger through her own nature--her own sweet
kindness and purity that made humans of any evilness or perversion
(read: Happosai) think twice about attacking her, and even made the
laws of the universe bend a little to make sure she escaped without
so much as a scratch (1). Akane was more often than not the
aforementioned danger, or could handle it through selective use of
random applied violence. Nabiki on the other hand had to rely on
her wits to protect herself. Thus, she had learned to pick up on
the subtle cues proclaiming instant and irrevocable disaster was
looming, such as anyone stupid enough to ask "What could possibly
go wrong?" or say "What a beautiful day" or even utter the dreaded
"Trust me, I know what I'm doing." This is known in psychology as
the 'social learning process', and is the method by which ordinary
people learn to deal with life.
Nobody else seemed to notice.
Seconds later, Mousse burst into the room bristling with weapons.
Mousse: Saotome! Prepare to die!
Everyone looked at Mousse. Mousse glared back at where he assumed
their faces were.
Mousse: I know you're here! Now, fight me! I will have my
revenge, Saotome!
Chains and ropes flew out of Mousse's sleeves, entangling
everything in the room.
Mrs. Saotome slowly stood up. Akane shook her head disbelievingly.
Nodoka: [angrily] I don't know what you think I've done to you,
young man, but you've just made a mess of the Tendo living
room. I accept your challenge.
Everybody took a step back. Genma, who had seen his wife in battle
before--usually against him--took three steps back. Into the
closet. And closed the door. Mrs. Saotome brought out her katana
and pointed it at Mousse.
Mousse: [squinting] Saotome? Is that you? When did you grow a
foot taller? [giving up] No matter! Prepare to DIE!
Mousse rushed forward. Mrs. Saotome leisurely kicked him out the
door into low earth orbit. She turned around, dusting off her
hands. Everyone stared at her.
Nodoka: What's the matter? Did I do something wrong?
Akane: But...but the sword...?
Nodoka: [puzzled] What about it?
Akane: Er...you always have it...I guess...[blushing]...I guess we
assumed you'd use it in a fight.
Nodoka: [laughing] Of course I can use it, dear. But despite
being a family heirloom, I keep it razor-sharp, and it
wouldn't be fair to use it in a fight. [smiling] Besides, an
accident with a sword can do a lot worse than a sprained ankle
or a bruise. I didn't want to kill him, now did I?
Soun: There are sides to you we've never seen before, Saotome-san.
I never knew you knew Kempo.
Nodoka: I picked up a few moves from my husband when he was trying
to impress me. Also I studied it in high school, long before
I met him. I'm 2nd dan (2).
Akane: When he was trying to impress *you*? That kick was
amazing!
Nodoka: [blushing] Well, if I'd told him I could beat him up in
a fight, he would never have asked me to marry him!
Everyone laughed. Inside the closet, a Panda sweated.
(1) Some scientists believe that Kasumi actually lives in a
world of her own. Not 'acts like she lives', but 'lives'. That
is, she's not selectively noticing things or overly optimistic
about human nature, she actually *does* see and hear different
things than everybody else. She sees in two different dimensions,
where exact copies of the people and places of this one live, but
where all evil and duplicity has been removed and everybody gets
along, even the Catholics (what did I say in my last note?).
Scientists further went on to hypothesize that her dual-dimensional
nature could conceivably protect her from the effects of this world
due to her existing in both planes at once. This statement by the
scientific community has led to a special on Oprah: 'Tendo
daughters with extradimensional powers'. Don't hold your breath
waiting for it to come out on TV; the U.S. government confiscated
it and told the network to deny everything. But who do you
trust--me, some guy on the Net you've never met and for all you
know isn't even a real person, or a bunch of people running the
government?
(2) The levels of mastery in most Japanese martial arts are
divided into gup (student) and dan (master). Gup is divided into
10 ranks, most of which have a different colour; this is where the
"belt" system comes from. White belt is 1st gup while brown belt
is 10th gup. Once a student achieves a black belt, they become a
master and start advancing in ranks of dan, from 1st to 10th. Most
if not all "sensei", or teachers, are at the very least 1st dan;
many are around 4th or 5th. Students usually refer to their skill
level through the colour of their belt, while the masters, who all
have black belts irregardless of level, use their ranking in dan to
compare each other (except in a few styles, where red belt is
reserved for 9th and 10th dan and is not a student belt). Note
that only a handful of people have ever reached 10th dan; even a
1st dan opponent is a very good martial artist, one who can perform
every technique in that style of martial arts and who is still
learning only to improve them (the "special techniques" from Ranma
1/2 aren't quite the same thing). Chinese martial arts, such as
most Kung-Fu styles, are ranked in a completely different manner,
while other nation's martial arts may or may not even have a
ranking system. In case you were wondering, I'd rate Ranma
somewhere around 7th or even 8th dan by the middle of the series.
* * *
In the streets of Nerima, a small black piglet was wandering. P-
Chan was pissed off. He had no idea why he had fallen unconscious,
but when he woke up, he had a splitting headache. Also, he was a
pig. It was probably Ranma's fault, somehow.
He snarled to himself. Then he looked up. He sighed. He hoped he
was still in Japan, but he couldn't be sure. Then he heard a
wicked-sounding burst of insane laughter and relaxed. There was
only *one* person alive able to make that sound without suffering
a nervous breakdown, and that was Kodachi 'Black Rose' Kuno. And
she went to school in Nerima. So he was still in the city.
P-Chan was taken completely by surprise when she landed in front of
him.
Kodachi: [beaming] Oh, Ranma sweetums! I have come to deliver
you from your pain!
P-Chan looked behind him. That was strange, he couldn't see Ranma.
Kodachi reached down and tenderly, if firmly, lifted P-Chan to her
face.
Kodachi: Now we can be together, my love...[husky]...and as soon
as I get some hot water, you can make me your woman!
P-Chan started to scream (1).
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! Be brave, my darling! Wait a little while, and
then we will be married!
People looked up as they saw Kodachi go by. It wasn't everyday
people saw a leotard-wearing girl carrying a pig jump over their
heads on rooftops. Then again, perhaps it was. This *was* Nerima.
Still, the sound of a pig screaming intermingled with that
horrible, insane laughter made even the hardiest passerby stop and
thank the stars they weren't Kodachi's targets that day.
(1) Kodachi has the unique ability to make males ignore
their usual compulsions upon meeting her; that is, Mikado feels no
desire to kiss her, Ranma actually tries to get rid of her, Kuno
genuinely cares for her, Mousse doesn't let her walk all over him,
and Ryoga doesn't get a nosebleed when she's nice to him. The mind
boggles to think about what would happen if she were to fall in
love with Gosunkugi.
* * *
Ranko settled down at her usual spot, underneath the bridge on the
grassy slope. Watching the waves as she listened to the sound of
river rushing by was always soothing. Right now she needed to be
soothed.
Of course, that was slightly difficult at the moment. A song was
blaring loudly from a boat slowly passing by. Ranko gritted her
teeth. This was *her* spot, and she'd be darned if she'd let some
stupid radio move her from it. She settled down in the grass.
The song stopped. The announcer came on.
Announcer: ...That was 'My Wife Left Me In My Truck With My Dog So
I Got Nothing Left To Sing About,' by Jack Tennesee. It's
5:54, and coming up in a minute, 'Love Letters' with your
host, Keiko Makabe.
Keiko: Thanks, Yoichi--okay, today we've got a letter from Kyoko
in Nerima. "Dear Keiko, I'm in love with someone my family
won't let me see. I can't disobey them but I can't stop
loving him, either. What can I do about my feelings? They're
tearing me apart!" Well Kyoko, here's a trick I learned a
while ago. When you can't tell somebody how you feel, try
writing a letter to yourself saying it instead! It's easy,
it's painless, and nobody else has to know! Thanks for tuning
into 'Love Letters', and now back to Yoichi Takeda for the
news in sports!
As the announcer droned on about baseball, Ranko came to a
conclusion.
Ranma-chan: [thinking] Well...I'll try *anything* once, I guess.
Maybe it'll even help! Okay! I'll write a letter!! Yeah!
Ranko then stopped short, realizing her lack of pen and paper. She
looked around. There was a young man drawing the scenery, sitting
up on the bridge. Ranko walked up to him and put her best 'cute'
look on her face.
Ranma-chan: [sweetly] Hello there, kind sir!
The boy looked up. He looked around to see who she was talking to.
Despite her being only a few inches away from him.
Guy: Uh...you mean me?!
Ranma-chan: [irritated] Well, duh! Who else would I be--um, I
mean, [giggling] of course!
Guy: Uh...[getting his self-confidence back] Hi! My name's
Ataru, babe! What can I do for you?
Ranma-chan: Well, I was just looking around for a piece of paper
and I noticed you up here, all by your lonesome...
Ranko was interrupted by a sketchpad being shoved into her hands.
Guy: Paper! Have as much as you want!
Ranma-chan: Oh, uh, thanks. And did I mention I need a pen?
The boy rummaged around frantically in his pencil case. Ranko
calmly stooped down and picked up the pen that had fallen to the
ground by his feet.
Ranma-chan: Thanks! You're so sweet! [giggling] Oh, look at the
time! Gotta run!
Guy: Hey! Wait a second! What's your phone number!?
Behind him, a green-haired girl floated up to him. There was an
electric shock and the smell of ozone with a shout: "DARLING NO
BAKA!"
Lum sighed; getting Ataru to try sketching obviously wasn't helping
him become more sensitive, it was just helping him pick up girls.
As usual.
Ranko didn't look back. She was too busy running.
* * *
Kodachi hummed to herself as she put P-Chan down. Of course, the
doors were already locked and bolted. From both directions. P-
Chan looked like he wanted to bolt, himself. If he had been paying
more attention, he would have realized Kodachi was humming the
"wedding march".
Kodachi: Just a little while longer, my sweetums! I'm boiling the
water now! Then we can be together as man and woman.
P-Chan shivered at the prospect. He continued to look for a way
out.
Kodachi: [thoughtfully] Of course, we *could* work something out
with your porcine aspect as well...that might be interesting.
P-Chan gave a whimper. He was doomed.
He looked around, no longer searching for an escape, but for
something to commit suicide on.
Kodachi: Just think! We'll be together in just a few moments!
Oh, it sends shivers down my spine!
Kodachi stopped. She looked at the kettle. It wasn't boiling.
Kodachi: How odd. I suppose I must have forgotten to fill the
kettle with water in my excitement.
P-Chan looked up hopefully.
Kodachi: Luckily, I know just the solution!
She walked over to the cupboard and opened it. Inside was not
sugar, or plates, or anything you might ordinarily find in a
cupboard. Unless you live in the Kuno mansion. There, the most
common thing to put in cupboards were traps. This one was no
exception. There was a small lever inside. Kodachi pulled it.
Kodachi: Kuno Family Secret Trap Steam Attack!
A trap door opened up underneath P-Chan. His legs frantically swam
in air for half a second before he fell, screaming a little piggy
scream, into the pit below him, already piping hot and steaming.
His last thoughts before he plunged into boiling water were 'What
kind of person keeps pit traps in the kitchen?'
* * *
Ranko looked around her. She was sitting on a bench near a
fountain, in the centre of the city. Nobody seemed to be watching
her, and that guy and the flying girl were nowhere to be seen. She
settled down to write her letter. She got out the paper and the
pen and started writing.
Predictably, Ranko's mind went blank.
Ranko sighed. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all. But
she hadn't even started yet! She searched her mind. The girl on
the radio had said to put all your feelings into it. Okay, that
was a start. Now, what did she feel?
Ranma-chan: 'I feel terrible'. Okay, now what? Argh.
She looked around for inspiration. She sighed and looked at the
page. Maybe she should just give up. She thought about that for
a second. Then she wrote it down.
Ranma-chan: 'Maybe I should just give up'. [enthusiastically
shouting] Ha! This is easy! I just have to write down what
I'm thinking, that's all!
Ranko looked up. People were looking at her. She blushed and
tried to become invisible.
Ranma-chan: Okay, concentrate on the letter. 'I wish I wasn't
here'. Argh! This is stupid!
Ranko grabbed the paper and was about to tear it apart, when she
remembered her mother talking to her.
Voice-over of Nodoka: You really *do* have to get in touch with
your feminine side...until you do, you'll never really
understand your whole self.
Ranko looked at the paper in front of her again.
Ranma-chan: Well...I guess I should try. 'I'll give it a try. It
couldn't get worse than it already is!' Yeah, that's it!
Ranko cheered herself on, mentally. Then she frowned. How *did*
you get in touch with your feminine side, anyways? Oh yeah, Ranko
remembered--girls liked pretty things, like flowers and stuff,
right? And hadn't her mom been talking about the park? She could
go there!
Ranma-chan: 'I'll go to the park and try there'. Okay, what's
that make?
Ranko looked at the letter in front of her.
Ranma-chan: Augh. Four lines. [thinking] Oh well, good enough.
Ranko scribbled a few lines at the end, signed it, and folded it
up. She smiled, happy to have finally finished it. Okay, what
came next? Oh yeah, she had to mail it.
She looked around and realized she had no envelope for it. She
debated throwing it into the garbage. She decided against it; if
she was going to do it, she might as well follow instructions to
the letter. She'd just have to find an envelope somewhere. On a
Sunday afternoon. But where?
Ranko started walking.
* * *
Kodachi looked down into the pit. She had to wait until it stopped
steaming, of course. She settled down to wait, thinking about what
she and Ranma would do when he got out. Marriage, of course, was
on the agenda. But there were so many things they could do...
Ryoga hit the water and transformed back instantaneously. He
almost screamed, but stopped himself. He didn't want to make any
noise with *her* up there. He latched onto the walls of the pit
with all his might. He thought frantically. What could he do now,
naked and alone with a madwoman?
Kodachi looked. The steam was almost all gone now. She decided to
risk a peek. She looked down. Nothing. She blinked in surprise.
There was nobody down there.
Ryoga looked up. Kodachi was standing right above him, looking
down. From her angle, she couldn't see him. He gave a silent
prayer of thanks. She moved. He prayed harder. She was bending
over. Ryoga came to a conclusion. He grabbed her ankle and used
the leverage to somersault out of the pit. Newton's third
law (1) in effect, the surprised Kodachi was sent tumbling into her
own pit, a rather surprised look on her face.
Ryoga quickly grabbed the lever controlling the trap door and
pulled it up, shutting the door. He looked around, grabbed a tea
towel to cover himself, and vaulted out of the window, running as
if his life depended on it. Behind him, thumps and curses could be
heard from the kitchen.
(1) "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction".
Actually, that's a paraphrase that doesn't quite hold up on physics
exams, but it's close enough for this story. Just don't try it at
home, kids--we're trained professionals.
* * *
Ukyou looked up from where she was putting the finishing touches on
an okinomiyaki. Business was brisk as usual, and this being the
dinner hour, she wasn't surprised to hear the door open with more
customers. She put on a smile.
Ukyou: Welcome to Ucchan's, I'm--Ranchan!
It was indeed Ranko standing in the doorway. She was carrying a
pen and paper, but Ukyou didn't notice. She ran to Ranko and
hugged her fiance. Let the okinomiyaki burn!
Ranma-chan: Hey, Ucchan, I--urk!
Ukyou realized that she was squeezing a little hard. She let go,
a little reluctantly.
Ukyou: Oops, sorry, Ranchan! [brightly] So, what brings you
here? Have a seat, Ranchan! I'll cook you up a super-special
okinomiyaki just for you in a second!
Ukyou took the okinomiyaki she had just prepared and put it on a
plate for Ranko, and started cooking another for her; Ranma always
had a huge appetite. The customer whose okinomiyaki it was decided
not to complain; when the food was as good as it was at Ucchan's,
you didn't complain about the petty things, like the owner's
fiance, even if they *were* both girls, or the fights between
martial artists that seemed to predominate the after-school hours.
Besides, they made dinner interesting.
Ukyou brought the second okinomiyaki over to Ranko's booth and sat
down with her. The okinomiyaki had a heart on it. Ranko was just
finishing the first one, stuffing her face like she hadn't eaten
for days. Ukyou remembered that Akane was helping to cook at the
Tendo's. Hm. Perhaps Ranma *hadn't* eaten in two days. She
resolved to make him another one, perhaps with their names
intertwined on it.
Ukyou: So, Ranchan, how are you?
Ranma-chan: [stuffing her face] Mrrph.
Amazingly enough, Ukyou understood Ranko. Whether this had more to
do with Ranma or Ukyou is debatable, not to mention irrelevant to
the story.
Ukyou: Really? That's great! And how's your mom?
Ranma-chan: [swallowing] Ggmprh.
Ukyou: You don't say? Too bad!
Ranko started on the second one, not noticing the heart design.
Ukyou sighed. One day...she smiled anyways, and resolved to try
harder.
Ukyou: Do you like it?
Ranko nodded empathetically. Everyone else trying to eavesdrop on
the pair sighed in relief, glad they could finally understand
something.
Ranma-chan: Mmmnnh!
Ukyou clapped her hands in delight.
Ukyou: Oh, I'm so glad! Another?
Ranko nodded.
Ranma-chan: Mghmhh! [swallowing] Thanks, Ucchan!
Ukyou: No problem! Anything for my fiance!
Ranma-chan: [swallowing] Um, speaking of which...
Ukyou: [laughing] Don't worry, I'll be by in time to help with
dinner. I'm closing early today just for you!
Ranma-chan: Uh, that's not it.
Ukyou: [serious] Oh, is there something you want from me, Ranma?
Anything I have is yours. Plus my heart.
Ranma-chan: [embarrassed] Uh, I only need an envelope.
Ukyou: [smiling] One envelope coming up!
Ukyou walked away. Ranko finished the okinomiyaki. Ukyou came
back with another, plus envelope.
Ukyou: There you go!
Ranma-chan: Thanks.
Ranko finished the okinomiyaki. She took out her pen and wrote on
the envelope: "Tendo dojo, Nerima, Japan". Then she put in the
letter and licked it shut. Ukyou watched her. She read the
address and frowned.
Ukyou: [ever-so-sweetly] Who's the letter for, Ranchan?
Ranma-chan: Huh? Uh, nobody! Nobody at all, Ucchan!
Ukyou: [suspicious] Is that so? Well, I notice you forgot the
stamp. I'll bet you don't even have one!
Ranma-chan: Ahh! You're right!
Ukyou: Well, why don't you leave it with me? I'll mail it on my
way out at dinner? That way you won't have to.
Ranma-chan: Really? Hey, thanks, Ukyou!
Ranko got up and left. Ukyou put the letter on the counter.
Ukyou: [darkly] Who does he think he is, writing a love letter to
Akane in *my* restaurant? Who does he think he is, writing a
love letter to *anybody* when I'm his fiancee? It's too bad
I forgot to mail it, isn't it?
The customer who still hadn't gotten his dinner sighed. Well, the
entertainment appeared to be over. He was wrong. It had just
begun.
* * *
Ryoga stopped running. He must have lost her by now. Come to
think of it, he was lost himself. But then, that was normal. It
made him feel, well, normal again. He looked around. He was in an
alley. He started walking. He tripped over someone.
Ryoga: Whoops. Sorry! Didn't see you there--Mousse?
Mousse got up. He had a headache. Mrs. Saotome's kick had
deposited him here and he had lost consciousness. He was
definitely having a bad day. Being tripped over didn't make life
any better. He snarled at Ryoga.
Mousse: Why don't you watch where you're going?
Ryoga looked at the ground where Mousse had been lying. There were
three ducks there, walking over to Mousse and acting like, well,
like family.
Ryoga: I said I was sorry...uh, Mousse, did you know you're being
followed?
Mousse spun in a circle.
Mousse: What? Where? Who?
Ryoga pointed one finger down. Mousse followed his finger to the
ducks. He leaned in close to see...a duck. It quacked at him with
a lovesick expression. Oh no. Not *that* duck. It couldn't be.
Not here. He glared up at Ryoga angrily, as if it were his fault.
Mousse: Oh yeah? Did *you* know that you're wearing a tea towel
as a skirt?
Ryoga: [blushing] This is all Ranma's fault.
Mousse: [darkly] My thoughts exactly.
Ryoga looked at Mousse, surprised. Mousse looked back at him,
blankly. He still didn't have his glasses.
Ryoga: I'd do anything to get my revenge on Ranma...
Mousse: Anything?
Ryoga: [backing up] Now wait a second! I know where this is
going! I don't want anything to do with the devil, or magic
potions, or wishes, or curses, or killing Ranma, or anything
at all like that!
Mousse: How about getting my glasses back?
Ryoga facefaulted.
Ryoga: [getting up] Oh, is that all? Sure, no problem. Then we
can strike back at Ranma together! Uh, where are they?
Mousse: Well, I don't know. So we'll have to go back to the
Nekohanten to get my spare pair. But without my glasses, I
can't find my way back. You'll have to lead the way.
Ryoga: [dubiously] Uh...I will? [looking around]
Well...okay...I think it's this way...
Ryoga started walking north. Mousse followed him. The ducks
followed him. Behind them all, the remaining three thousand ducks
formed a line and began to follow. Meanwhile, several blocks away,
Kodachi managed to extricate herself from the pit. She was not
pleased.
Kodachi: Ouch! That hurt. What could have possessed my darling
Ranma to act so hatefully towards me? [sadly] Does he hate
me? Does he really just not like me? Perhaps I should just
give up on him. Or is it...[evilly]...a spell! Cast by that
wicked girl! Yes, that must be it! The Black Rose will have
her revenge!
Laughter tends to carry far over the wind, but even so it didn't
reach Ryoga and Mousse. So when they both shivered uncontrollably
for a second they attributed it to the chill in the air. The ducks
didn't notice at all.
* * *
Closing time at Ucchan's. Ukyou thanked the last of her patrons,
closed the door, and sighed in relief. Now she had to run over to
the dojo and help with dinner. She hoped Ranma appreciated it.
Then she remembered the letter. She felt herself flush with anger.
Who else would he be writing to at the Tendo's home but Akane? Did
he think she was a complete idiot? Well, she wouldn't pass
judgement on him yet. She'd read the letter first, and if her
suspicions were correct, she'd just make a few teensy-tiny changes.
And Akane would never speak to him again. Yes, that would be
better than just keeping it herself. She smiled as she had a
daydream of Ranma running to her heartbroken over Akane running to
her and Ukyou comforting him. Then she snapped back to reality.
She steamed the letter with the kettle she always kept hot on the
stove for Ranma, opening it without a trace. Then she pulled it
out. She cringed looking at his writing. It was truly deplorable.
She'd have to...
Then the content of the letter hit her, and she fainted.
* * *
End of Part Four
