* * *
Part Five
* * *
Nerima park was lit at night by cheery lamps along the paths, but
there were always nooks and crannies that were shadowy and
secluded. At this time of night, such spots were popular among
young couples in love. Benches were set aside for those who might
wish to rest awhile, and the pleasant scenery was not diminished in
the least in the twilight. In fact, the park seemed to have a
radiant glow from the waxing moon overhead bathing everything in
purest white.
While nature slept, a few people of Nerima still took time out of
their lives to stop and watch the sunset, rest a while, and ponder
life. Some people were young, enjoying the romantic aspect of the
scenery. Others were old, remembering the times spent here in
their youth. Others had their own reasons for being here at this
hour.
One of the latter sort was a young red-headed girl who wandered
through the park randomly. Ranko passed smiling lovers and
reminiscing oldsters as she trudged onwards.
Ranma-chan: Bah, humbug.
* * *
Mrs. Saotome looked at the clock on the wall. It was nearly seven
thirty. She sighed despondently. She had hoped that Ranko would
return home in time for dinner, but she couldn't hold it off any
longer without upsetting Mr. Tendo. Not to mention Mr. Panda, who
was pretending to be starving to death. Mrs. Saotome realized why
Ranko liked it; it *was* funny sometimes, the way it exaggerated
things. Actually, it reminded her of Genma for some reason. She
turned to the assembled family and sighed again.
Nodoka: All right, I suppose we can have dinner now. I guess
Ranko's not coming.
Panda: [sign] "YAY!"
Akane: Don't worry, Mrs. Saotome. She's probably just freeloading
off Ukyou again.
Nodoka: Speaking of which, didn't Ukyou say she was coming for
dinner? She hasn't shown up today...
Akane: See? [darkly] I'll bet she's just trying to avoid my
cooking...
Nodoka: Oh, I don't think she would do that, dear. Ranko is
really a very sweet girl. You just have to look past the
rough exterior to get to a warm, caring heart that cries out
to be loved.
Akane looked at Mrs. Saotome in disbelief. Mrs. Saotome smiled at
her knowingly and excused herself into the kitchen to finish up.
Ukyou chose that moment to run into the room and trip over Genma,
landing face-first in Akane's lap. Akane's first instinct was to
send her flying into the stratosphere. Then she realized it wasn't
Ranma, after all, and checked her impulse.
Kasumi: Oh, hello, Ukyou. Would you like some dinner?
Ukyou: [breathlessly] No time! Look!
Ukyou shoved the letter into Akane's hands. Akane looked at it.
It was a crumpled piece of paper. Ukyou had been holding it in her
hands when she ran the entire way from her restaurant to the dojo.
Akane: What's this?
Ukyou: Just read it!
Akane started to straighten out the letter. Ukyou grabbed it from
her, straightened it with a quick motion, and threw it back. Akane
blinked.
Ukyou: Read it!
Akane peered at the writing.
Akane: What terrible calligraphy! Did you write this, Ukyou?
Ukyou screamed. It was a scream full of frustration and fear. She
looked like she was about to strangle Akane. While this was
probably a nicer fate than being turned into okinomiyaki, it still
left a lot to be desired. Akane began to get nervous.
Akane: Okay...maybe not terrible, but pretty bad...
Ukyou collapsed on the floor.
Ukyou: Akane, just read it!
Akane fumbled with the letter. Ukyou was being
uncharacteristically strange today. Akane dropped it. Ukyou
buried her head in her hands. Nabiki snatched the letter before it
could hit the ground and read it out loud.
Nabiki: "I feel terrible. Maybe I should just give up. I wish I
wasn't here. I'll give it a try. It couldn't get worse than
it already is! I'll go to the park and try there. Ranma.
P.S. - Akane's cooking sucks."
Ukyou: There! You see?
Akane: [fuming] See *what*, Ukyou? That he hates my cooking?
Ukyou: It's a suicide note!
There was a strangled gasp from the room's occupants.
Akane: [shocked] Do...do you really think so?
Ukyou: What else could it be?
Akane: You're right!
Nabiki: [thoughtfully] Well, it could be random mutterings...
Akane: Nabiki! This is a serious matter!
Nabiki blinked.
Nabiki: I'm being serious, Akane. Think about it. If he wanted
to commit suicide, all he'd have to do would be to tell his
mother who he really is. And besides, does anybody here
actually think *Ranma* is the suicidal type?
Soun: [crying hysterically] Oh! The tragedy of it!
Panda: [sign] "My son!"
Kasumi: Oh, my! Poor Ranma!
Nabiki sighed.
Nabiki: Okay, okay. I'm not about to stand in your way, but I
think you're all overreacting. I mean, we're talking about
Ranma, here. But I think you're forgetting about something.
Akane: What? If it's important, Nabiki, just tell us, please!
[fumbling in her pocket] I'm not sure how much I have on
me...
Nabiki: You can consider this a freebie, Akane. [smiling] Has
anyone considered what Mrs. Saotome is going to say when she
hears about this?
Voice-over of Ranma-chan: My mom is gonna kill me if she finds out
who I am! Pop made some stupid promise about being a "manly
man" and now I haveta commit seppuku if she finds out!
Nodoka: [from the kitchen] Did someone just come in? Ranko? Is
that you?
Everybody froze with guilty expressions on their faces. Nabiki
just smiled. Akane turned to Ukyou.
Akane: How much do you have on you, Ukyou?
Ukyou: Let's see...how much do you want, Nabiki? Will you take
I.O.U.'s?
Nabiki: Ten thousand yen and I'll 'explain' things to our dear
auntie for the entire evening.
Akane: WHAT?
Ukyou: Deal!
Akane: [to Ukyou] WHAT?
Ukyou: [looking Akane in the eyes] His life is worth that much
and more to me.
Akane opened her mouth, then shut it again.
Akane: All right, Nabiki. But you have to keep her occupied and
out of the way, and explain *anything* weird that happens
until dawn tomorrow morning.
Nabiki looked at Akane thoughtfully.
Nabiki: You know, you're really learning fast, Akane. I must be
rubbing off on you. Maybe I should charge you for lessons...
Akane glared at her sister.
Nabiki: Okay, okay, it's a deal. By the way, I charge 6%
interest (1).
Ukyou: [to Akane] My turn. [to Nabiki] WHAT?
Akane: That's Nabiki for you. [taking charge] Okay! Dad, you
and Mr. Saotome better stay here or Mrs. Saotome'll get
suspicious. Nabiki, you'll distract her. Kasumi...you have
to stay home with your ankle. That leaves...me and Ukyou.
Akane stopped and gave Ukyou the once-over.
Akane: Ukyou...this wouldn't be another one of those schemes to
steal Ranma by getting rid of me, would it (2)?
Ukyou looked hurt.
Ukyou: Akane! This is Ranma's *life* we're talking about! I
don't joke about that! [calming down] Look, Akane...I won't
pretend to like you, but can we call a truce until this is
over with?
Akane hesitated. She looked into Ukyou's eyes. They were filling
with tears. Akane nodded.
Ukyou: [gratefully] Okay...we'll need more than just the two of
us. Who else can we get?
Akane: [thinking] Well, I'm sure Ryoga would help out...he's
friends with Ranma, after all...
Ukyou: If he's around.
There was a significant pause.
Ukyou: I *said*, 'If he's around'.
Ryoga failed to materialize. Ukyou sighed.
Ukyou: It figures. He's never around when you want him, but when
you're trying to get *rid* of him...
Akane: Well...we could get Shampoo...
Akane and Ukyou looked at each other.
Akane and Ukyou: [simultaneously] No.
Akane: Well...I guess that doesn't really leave anybody...
Ryoga walked in.
Ryoga: Hi, I--AIIEE!
Ukyou grabbed him by the shirt and brandished her sharpened spatula
in his face.
Ukyou: Oh, SURE! *NOW* you choose to show up? Your entrance cue
was a minute ago! You're LATE!!
Ryoga: [watching the spatula closely] Uh...Ukyou...?
Akane grabbed Ryoga away from Ukyou, which put him in her arms.
Akane failed to notice this fact. Ryoga got a nosebleed.
Akane: Ukyou, *please*! Let me handle this. [to Ryoga] Oh,
Ryoga...I need to ask a big favour from you. I'd be ever so
grateful...
Ryoga nearly fainted. He looked into his eyes and forgot what he
was about to say.
Ryoga: Uh...Akane...
Nabiki stole a peek into the kitchen. She walked over to the trio.
Nabiki: Hey you guys, you'd better get going. Mrs. Saotome's
bringing in dinner. Don't worry, I'll cover for you.
Ryoga looked like a fish caught out of water.
Ryoga: Uh...Nabiki...?
Akane: [thoughtfully] That reminds me. When did he write this?
Ukyou: Well, he gave it to me when he came in this afternoon,
around five...oh my god!
Akane and Ukyou grabbed Ryoga and ran out of the house. Mrs.
Saotome walked in.
Nodoka: Oh! Wherever did Akane run off to? And why on earth is
your father crying?
Nabiki: Well, you see, auntie, it goes like this...
(1) Hourly, of course.
(2) To be completely fair, Ukyou has never used magic, trickery or
lies to steal Ranma in all the episodes/issues I've seen/read. But
then, Akane was never all that concerned with being fair to Ranma's
other fiancees.
* * *
In the middle of the park, gardeners had cleared a spot surrounded
by trees. They grew wild flowers in the middle of it; it was
ever-popular, especially for children. At night the children were
gone, but the spot was still beautiful.
Ranko kicked a stone absently as she trudged through it, stomping
on flowers as she passed through.
Ranma-chan: Boring, boring, booooring.
* * *
Ukyou, Ryoga and Akane ran in the night. All three were running
hard and Akane was beginning to regret she'd stopped jogging in the
mornings. It just hadn't seemed worth it when she usually ended up
fighting with Ranma, anyways. That thought only made her hurt
worse inside.
The houses along the street were beginning to fade into a blur,
though through speed or her lack of awareness she couldn't say.
She looked around and realized that they still had several blocks
to go. She couldn't keep up the pace. Reluctantly, Akane called
a quick stop to catch her breath. She looked around. Ukyou was in
a similar state. At least she wouldn't be making fun of Akane
after it was over. Then Akane looked for Ryoga. He should still
be in pretty good shape, what with all that walking he did.
He was gone.
Muttering imprecations under her breath, Ukyou ran back the way
they'd come, hoping to catch him before he left Nerima. Akane
collapsed.
* * *
Ranko lacked something. She looked around at her surroundings and
took in the view, looking for something to inspire her.
The moon shone brightly overhead, surrounded by a circle of clouds,
giving them a metallic tinge, like softly floating silver in a
darkened sky. The glow of lamplight reflected the moonlight in
carefully presented places around the path. The colourful flowers
growing in patches were all somehow unearthly in the light, pale
reflections of their true selves. Closer inspection showed them to
be the warmer colours you were used to, soft pastel pinks, reds and
yellows intermingled.
Ranko sighed. Nothing. She moved on.
* * *
Akane, Ukyou and Ryoga--once again reunited--reached the edge of
the park, breathing heavily.
Ukyou leaned on a lamppost, out of breath. In the pale light of
the lamp she looked nervous, perhaps scared.
Ukyou: Well, I don't see any ambulances...
Akane turned to her, also out of breath. She was bent over,
holding her legs in her hands to support herself.
Akane: That's good, right? Right, Ukyou?
Ryoga: Uh, Akane...?
Ukyou and Akane turned on Ryoga.
Ukyou and Akane: WHAT?
Ryoga took two steps back.
Ryoga: Er...I was just wondering...
Ukyou: Well? We don't have all minute! Hurry up! Well!?
Ryoga: Uh...would someone mind telling me what we're doing,
exactly?
The two girls facefaulted.
* * *
Ranko sat down on a bench. Come to think of it, what *did* girls
do when they were at the park? Maybe she was going about this the
wrong way. She frowned and tried to remember the few times she'd
been in a park with her parents.
She seemed to remember...playing. Like running and jumping in
flowers, giggling with the wonder of it, splashing water on each
other, and twirling pretty dresses around. Ranko stood up. She
looked at the field of flowers before her. She breathed in the air
still fresh with the smells of the forest. She smiled.
Ranko skipped gaily over to the flowers, giggling merrily. When
she reached the flowers, she started running until she reached the
middle, where she whooped and laughed as she somersaulted and
rolled in the fragrant flowers. Flat on her back, she pretended to
make snow angels in them. She picked a dandelion and held it to
her face while she lay on her back, staring up at the clouds. As
she looked up at the sky, a strange expression enveloped her face.
It was disgust.
Ranma-chan: Well, *that* was a complete waste of time. Argh!
Feminine! I need something feminine!
Ranko got up and stomped out of the clearing deeper into the park.
* * *
Ryoga stared at Akane.
Ryoga: You're trying to tell me that Ranma's going to commit
suicide?
Akane: YES!
Ryoga: But Ranma's not here. He's on a training mission.
Ukyou put her head into her hands. She knew what was coming next.
Akane: What are you talking about? You saw him--I mean, her!
Ryoga: But that wasn't Ranma. It was Ranko.
Ukyou realized that she was cursed. Sure, she didn't change into
another species when she got wet. But she was cursed nevertheless.
Akane: Ranko and Ranma are the same person!
Ryoga: [astonished] Really? That's what I thought before, but
then Shampoo and Ukyou said that...
Akane: Ryoga, I thought you were smarter than that! You're almost
as bad as Kuno!
Ryoga turned red. He shuffled his feet and hung his head
miserably. Somehow, this was Ranma's fault. He knew it.
Ukyou: Come on, you two! We're wasting time we don't have!
Akane, you go left. Ryoga, you go right. I'll go through
the--no, I'd better go with Ryoga. We don't want him getting
lost.
Akane ran off to the left. Ukyou ran off to the right. Ryoga
followed Ukyou, running to the left. Ukyou ran back, clobbered
Ryoga with her spatula, and forced him to run in *front* of her
from then on.
* * *
The babbling brook that winded its way through Nerima park used to
be something of an attraction until they carved out a waterfall at
the other end of the park. Now, all the kids who used to play
there were gone.
But others came, glad to have a place to relax and listen to the
soothing noise of water lazily swimming by them. Water has that
effect on people, and the few regulars who visited the park daily
were glad of that fact after coming home from their gruelling jobs.
Ranko smiled. Well, this one she could do. She happened to like
running water. Except when it was hot, cold or cursed (1). And it
was in the park, so it was feminine, right? She stretched back and
put her feet out, keeping herself upright by her elbows.
Then she heard a sound that chilled her to the bone. A sound so
horrible, it made every hair on her body stand on end. A sound so
fearsome, she was frozen, unable to move.
The originator of that hideous noise pawed at its new red-haired
friend.
Kitten: Mew?
Ranko screamed in terror.
(1) Which leaves what, exactly? Lukewarm?
* * *
Akane stumbled on a root. She knew it wasn't exactly safe running
in the dark, but what other option did she have? Every second
counted. The trees began to thin in front of her. She looked
around.
Some kind of clearing, with a lot of dead flowers in it. It looked
like someone had been stamping them into the ground. She felt her
cheeks burn at the kind of person who would do that; this was a
place to sit and look at the flowers, and someone just *had* to go
and spoil it for everyone else.
Akane realized she was wasting time. She started to run again,
forgetting about the scenery. It wasn't important.
* * *
Ranko was soaking wet. And it was a cold evening. She shivered.
Stupid cat. She looked around, but it was gone. She couldn't
remember very much except running forward. Into the water. And
half-remembered nightmares of a little kitten imitating her frantic
leaps and screams, like it was some kind of stupid game (1). Ranko
gnashed her teeth. Stupid brook. Except that she wasn't in it
anymore. She looked more closely at her surroundings. She felt
the sinking feeling that meant she was lost.
Ranko was standing in a ceremonial rock garden. The stones were
placed in just the right spot, with just the right colour and just
the right shape. There was a sign next to it which said
"Arrangements by Just The Right Company."
Ranko looked at it. She picked up a stone at threw it at the sign.
Ranma-chan: [throwing another stone] Stupid brook! [throwing
another stone] Stupid cat! [throwing another stone] Stupid
park! OW!
She felt a sharp pain in her hand. She dropped the stone that had
cut her, and it promptly fell on her foot. She yelped in pain.
Looking down, she kicked the stone. It didn't move. Her toes, on
the other hand, felt like they'd been bent backwards. Her foot was
now in considerable pain. Ranko hopped on one leg while swearing
wholeheartedly at the park, the brook, and life in general.
(1) It was, to the kitten.
* * *
Ukyou came to a stream. There was a little kitten curled up in a
ball and purring by the side. She glanced at it, at first with
disregard, but then smiling nervously. It *was* cute. Of course,
Ranma would never be caught dead near a cat, no matter how cute.
Ukyou winced at her own choice of words. She turned to tell Ryoga
to move on. He wasn't there. She put a hand to her forehead.
Maybe this was all just a nightmare. She pinched herself.
Ukyou: Ow!
Ukyou sighed. She decided to keep going. Ryoga could take care of
himself, after all. She had to find Ranma.
* * *
Ranko was covered in mud, wet, cold, and limping. She was *not*
happy. Ranko looked around at the woods with some trepidation.
They looked dark and forbidding. Ranko heard a noise behind her.
She spun around. What kind of pervert would be hanging around the
woods at night? Obviously some creep who'd been lying in wait for
a young girl just like Ranko...
A woman wearing a kimono stepped out of the sylvan woods. She
quickly stepped forward, past the stream which bubbled happily to
her side. Glancing around the austere landscape, she cupped her
hands to her mouth and called out.
Woman: Umao, Umao, wherefore art thou Umao? (1)
Then she ran back into the woods, vanishing without a trace.
Ranko kicked a stone. Well, okay, maybe it wasn't a pervert. But
then again, who could speak for someone who thought a cold, dark
woods was romantic? She pushed her way into the trees. A branch
was blocking her way. She punched it out of the way. It stretched
and then snapped back, bark tearing at Ranko's clothes.
Ranma-chan: Owwwww!
(1) Umao and Ushino are the Japanese equivalent of Romeo and
Juliet. They constantly appeared in Kimagure Orange Road as an in-
joke (as well as a few fanfics).
* * *
Ryoga was lost.
That really shouldn't have stopped him, but he decided to slow down
anyways. He had to think. The whole night had been one confusion
after another. After finally getting to the Nekohanten, he had
excused himself to go to the bathroom. Then he found Akane. It
was strange, he really should have asked Akane what she and Ukyou
were doing in Shampoo's bathroom. But that wasn't really
important. He brought his mind back to the present.
He didn't really want to help Ranma...but...Akane *had* asked him
to...Ryoga sighed. Well, he'd just have to work it out while he
ran.
Ryoga: Let's see. Ranma is my rival. But I don't want him to
die...not really. And I'm not really *helping* him. I mean,
not *really*. I'm just saving him so I can get my revenge.
How could I beat him up if he dies?
Ryoga thought about it. It still didn't seem right.
Ryoga: Argh! I know what it's like to feel the pain of
depression! How can I let anybody else, even Ranma, face it
alone? All right then! For now, Ranma, I'll help you!
Ryoga felt a burden lift from his shoulders as he made his
decision. Around the same time, he felt the ground beneath his
legs vanish.
Ryoga: YIIIEEE!!! SPLASH
* * *
In the whole park, no one spot was so well-liked as the waterfall.
A decade earlier a team of engineers and architects had flown in
from Osaka to put together an artificial wonder of nature in the
park, diverting the stream and placing rocks just so here and there
to produce an instant waterfall.
As a side effect it appeared too good to be true. Still, it was
popular with children, young couples, lonely adults, and
reminiscing elders. Which was to say, most people.
Fish swam in the pool by it, and coins were thrown into the falls
to make a wish that legends said came true. During the day the sun
shone on the falling water, making it look like slowly falling
crystal. By night, it was a breathtaking sight.
Ranko walked up to the waterfall. She took out a 5-yen coin and
flipped it into the water.
Ranma-chan: I wish I could get in touch with my feminine side.
Nothing happened. Ranko sighed. Well, it was worth a shot. A
fish playfully jumped out of the water in front of her sullen face.
It splashed her. She glared at it. Then she sighed again. This
just wasn't working. She was wet, miserable, hungry, tired, cold,
and aching. And she didn't feel one bit more feminine. Maybe she
should just go back home. Her mother was probably worried sick.
She sighed and turned around. And stopped in her tracks.
She was standing face-to-face with Kuno.
* * *
Akane stopped at a rock garden. The beauty of it was lost on her
at the moment, but she needed to rest. Besides, it looked like
someone had messed it up already.
Akane: [disgustedly] What a jerk.
Akane's eyes widened at her words.
Akane: Wait a second--a jerk? That could only be one person!
I must be on the right track!
She took off running like a rocket into the forest.
A minute later, she came back and sheepishly started looking for a
trail to follow.
* * *
Ranko's first impulse was to pound Kuno into a pulp. Her second
impulse was a little bit nicer; to talk to him and see what he
wanted. Her third impulse was a masterpiece of idealism, a
brilliant plan for world peace and happiness that, if implemented,
would someday bring about a new golden age for humanity.
Unfortunately for the world in general and Kuno in particular,
Ranko had a tendency to listen to her instincts. By the time her
third impulse was halfway finished describing what it wanted to do,
Kuno was lying on the ground beaten into a pulp.
Then Ranko had an idea. Ideas, like second and third impulses,
generally had a hard time being heard in Ranko's mind. It was only
after the fifth try that it managed to be heard. Ranko sat up and
looked at Kuno.
Ranma-chan: [sweetly] Kuno! Oh, Kuno darling?
Kuno failed to respond. In fact, as Ranko looked closer, he seemed
to be unconscious. She kicked him awake.
Kuno opened his eyes blearily, trying to focus. In front of him
were two pig-tailed girls, smiling at him as they danced around the
edges of his vision. Kuno had never realized his love was a twin.
Or should he say his loves were twins? Or perhaps, His love were
twins? His loves had been twins?
Ranko looked at Kuno. He was smiling crookedly up at her. She
kicked him again, somewhat impatiently.
Ranma-chan: HEY! KUNO!
Kuno: Yes, my loves?
Ranma-chan: Loves? Don't you mean...nahh. I don't really want to
know.
Ranko cleared her throat.
Ranma-chan: Say Kuno--you're into that poetry stuff, right? So
tell me about being feminine, okay?
Kuno stood up. Ranko took a step backward out of instinct, which,
as mentioned earlier, was a powerful force in her brain.
Kuno: But my loves! Surely it is you who are masters of this
subject, not I! Why do you tease me so--ah, I see...it is a
test! A test to prove myself worthy of your love! Very well!
I, Tatewake Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinken High, shall
prove myself to you!
Lightning flashed in the background. There was a distant scream,
like someone being fried by electricity (1).
Ranma-chan: Er...
Kuno started to kneel before Ranko. Actually, he tried to kneel
before both of them at once and failed miserably, ending up looking
at Ranko from an angle.
Kuno: "Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror. But you
are eternity, and you are the mirror." (2) Truer words ne'er
were spoke, o my loves, for truly each of you as a rose apart.
But together you are a garden of flowers, each more beautiful
than the last.
Ranma-chan: But...
Kuno: The flower alone shall grow, bloom and die with loveliness
untouched; but a garden shall live again each spring, shaped
into beauty by loving and tender care. Left to the wild
flowers shall never be appreciated, but cared for by one such
as I the bloom of beauty would last even unto its twilight
years.
Kuno paused for breath.
Ranma-chan: BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME BEING FEMININE?!
Kuno gazed up at her, er, them.
Kuno: Oh my loves...to be so innocent and pure, so that you cannot
see what is obvious to others...truly is your beauty apparent
to men, assure yourself. You are most beautiful, but as all
things of beauty, there will be those scoundrels who, seeing
a pureness their own souls cannot attain, will attempt to take
from you by force. Know then that such infidels shall never
find peace, for I, Takewake Kuno, called--
Ranko kicked him in the stomach. It seemed to get him to shut up.
Ranma-chan: Look, Kuno, I just need to know what 'feminine' is!
Kuno: Ah, such a simple thing. It is you, my loves. For as the
moon mirrors the light of the sun and shines where there is
no--
Ranma-chan: So I'm already feminine?
Kuno: You are the essence of femininity, my loves! You are the
moon, and the--
Ranma-chan: But what IS feminine? The moon and the sun? That
mirror thing?
Kuno: The moon, and the stars, are all but pale reflections of the
beauty in the sun which is yourselves. It is the light of
your love that shines in my heart and warms me that lets me go
on each day. For as the poet sayeth--
Ranma-chan: ARRRRGGGGHHH!
Ranko punted Kuno into the air. He silloheted the moon for an
instant before disappearing into the darkness.
Ranko sat down heavily on the ground. She sighed, looking up at
the moon.
Ranma-chan: I just don't get it. Everybody but me seems to
understand. Why can't I?
Ranko stood up, a determined look on her face. She would just have
to go home and face the music (3).
(1) In fact, *exactly* like someone being fried by electricity.
(2) Quote taken from a poet called Gibran.
(3) Quite literally. Nodoka had gotten into the habit of playing
classical music before bed.
* * *
Ukyou was angry at herself. She should have made some sort of
signal to tell Akane and Ryoga where she was in case she found
Ranma. Or if they did first. She hoped with all her heart one of
the others had found him by now. It was getting so late. She
sighed; now wasn't the time for self-recriminations. Not until
Ranma was safe.
She came out into a moonlit bridge. Two people were standing on
it, holding hands. A man and a woman. They looked oddly familiar
(1).
Man: Mrs. Noodle...I...I brought you here because, well, whenever
we try to talk alone...er...
Ukyou: Um...excuse me? But have you seen...
Woman: We get interrupted? Yes, Mr. Soup. I know. But was there
something you wanted to tell me?
Ukyou: Hello?
Man: Yes...as a matter of fact, there is...
Ukyou: Hey! Are you listening to me?
Woman: Go on, Mr. Soup.
Ukyou: [shouting] A girl with red hair! Have you seen her?
Man: Well...I...have to ask you something, Mrs. Noodle.
Ukyou: She's about [gesturing] this high, and probably looked
depressed...
Woman: Yes, Mr. Soup?
Ukyou: Fine then! DON'T listen to me! See if I care!
Man: Mrs. Noodle...will you...will you...
Ukyou: But at least get out of the way! I need to cross the
bridge!
Woman: Will I...will I...?
Ukyou: THAT'S IT! I'm tired of being ignored!
Man: Will you marr--WHAM SCOOP THROW
Ukyou's super spatula went out of it's holster and Mr. Soup went
sailing down into the river. Ukyou reholstered her culinary device
of destruction and calmly crossed the bridge. Mrs. Noodles looked
down at Mr. Soup as he made splashdown.
Woman: Oh! Mr. Soup!
Ukyou vanished into the woods again.
(1) To those who watch Urusei Yatsura, anyways. Again, an in-joke
that kept popping up in the series.
* * *
Ranko wandered randomly, hoping to find a map. She began to think
of ways to kill the people who designed the park. Couldn't they
have made it easy to find your way through? At this rate, she'd
never get out.
Then she stopped and laughed at herself. She was starting to sound
like Ryoga.
* * *
Ukyou tripped over something. No, make that someone. She looked
down.
Ukyou: [in surprise] Akane? What are you doing down th--
Akane: Shhh!
Akane pointed through the bushes.
Ukyou looked in the direction Akane was pointing. She leaned
forward. Ranko was walking towards them. Rather, Ranko was
walking towards the bush they were hiding behind.
Ukyou: Ranma? But--
Ryoga tripped over Ukyou.
Akane: [whispering] Ryoga! I thought you were lost!
Ryoga: Akane? What are you doing down th--
Ukyou: Shhh!
Ukyou pointed through the bushes at Ranko.
Akane: [whispering] It's Ranma!
Ukyou: Say, does anybody else have a feeling of deja vu?
Akane: [whispering] Never mind that! [looking at Ryoga] Hey!
What happened to you? You're all wet!
Ryoga: [blushing] Uh, I fell into a hot spring. Thank goodness.
Ukyou: [incredulous] "Thank goodness"? You fell into a--what
kind of idiot--
Akane: [whispering] Keep your voice down! And don't pick on
Ryoga!
Ukyou: [whispering] Okay, okay. [she realizes something] Hey,
Ryoga, if you fell into a spring, how come you're all burnt?
Ryoga: [whispering] I got struck by lightning.
Ukyou: [incredulous] Struck by lightning? Show me where there's
a storm cloud in fifty miles of--
Akane: [whispering frantically] SHH!! He's only a few feet away!
Ukyou: [blushing and whispering] Oops. Sorry. Okay, on the
count of three, we grab him. Okay?
Akane and Ryoga nodded. They all fixed their gazes on their
unsuspecting target.
* * *
Ranko strolled along, glad to finally know where she was going.
She actually wasn't all that far from home, now that she could see
the big picture. That map she'd found had really come in useful.
Ranko looked up from it. She was standing in front of some bushes.
She had to turn right and go...
Voice: THREE!!
Ranko frowned. Three? Shouldn't that be 'fore'? Wait a second--
who'd be golfing in the park at this time of--
Ranko had about a quarter of a second to realize she was in trouble
before Ryoga's umbrella hit her over the head and she fell into
darkness.
* * *
Ukyou looked at Ryoga with no little irritation.
Ukyou: Ryoga, we said GRAB him! Where did knocking him
unconscious come into it?
Ryoga: [blushing] Er, I thought it'd be the best way to keep him
from running away...?
Akane looked up from where she was examining Ranko.
Akane: C'mon you two, stop arguing. We'll carry her. She's not
too heavy, and there's three of us. Now, do any of you have
something to tie her up with?
Ukyou: Tie her up? Why?
Akane: So she won't run away, dummy! How would YOU react if
somebody stopped you from committing suicide?
A passing daydream of Ranma coming to his senses and declaring his
love for Ukyou flashed through Ukyou's mind.
Ukyou: Er...I'd thank them?
Akane: Get real! He'll probably deny everything and the moment
our backs are turned, run for the hills! You can't trust him
when he's like this!
Ukyou's daydream shattered. It started rebuilding, taking these
new factors into account. First Ukyou would loving nurse him back
to mental health, and *then* he'd realize his all-abiding love for
Ukyou and ask her to marry him.
Ukyou: Oh...I never thought of that.
Akane: Well, that's why we're working together, right? But maybe
we should be working *faster*?
Ukyou: Oh, right. Anybody got some rope?
Ryoga: Well...
Akane: What's that, Ryoga? Do you have something we can use?
Ryoga blushed.
Ryoga: Well, I *do* have my bandannas...
Ukyou: Oh please, Ryoga! We need about twenty feet of rope, at
least! You'd have to have a hundred of those things!
Ryoga shrugged and started to unwrap his bandanna. Underneath it
was a second one. He took that one off. Underneath was a third.
Underneath that, a fourth. And so on (1). He started handing out
bandannas to Ukyou and Akane.
Ukyou: Geez...I thought MOUSSE was supposed to be master of hidden
weapons!
(1) Like many Takahashi characters, Ryoga has some power over
interdimensional spaces. Again like most Takahashi characters, his
power comes only in ways that most people would consider useless.
Ryoga's own ability seems to be to contain an unlimited number of
bandannas on his head. Nobody really knows how many he's wearing,
including Ryoga himself.
* * *
Two American tourists (1) looked at each other.
First Tourist: Do you see what I see?
Second Tourist: That depends. Do you see two girls and a guy
tying up a redhead with orange and black bandannas?
First Tourist: Actually, no. But that sounds a heck of a lot more
interesting than the red-breasted swallow *I* saw.
Second Tourist: Another exotic custom?
First Tourist: Good thing we brought our cameras!
Both took multiple pictures before moving on.
(1) Remember, in anime all Americans are always either the bad
guys or hopelessly confused. Which is why they're in a park at ten
in the evening instead of somewhere warm (and well-lit). It's an
unwritten rule. Of course, that's still better than my country is
doing--when was the last time you saw a Canadian ANYTHING--person,
place or thing--in an anime?
* * *
Ranko felt darkness. Well, not exactly. She couldn't really feel
darkness. She just saw it. Then again, it's what she *wasn't*
seeing that was the point, wasn't it? Or something?
Ranko's thought processes were about as clear as radioactive mud
and about as sharp as butter. Not a hot knife through butter,
butter. However, it didn't take much to remember walking through
the park, minding her own business and then getting mugged. Kinda
like being in New York (1).
Ranma-chan: [waking up] Mm...I wonder HEY!
Akane: Oh, look who's awake. How are you feeling, Ranma?
Ranko was in fact feeling rather sore, since she was tied up hand
and foot by something she couldn't see, but that felt suspiciously
like linen. She was also bruised in several places from being
carried by several people, some of whom dropped her occasionally.
Not to mention having a massive headache. Ranko, in her normal
concise manner, summed up these thoughts.
Ranma-chan: I'm tied up!
Akane: [sternly] That's right.
Ranma-chan: Well, you don't have to sound so *cheerful* about it!
Ukyou smiled at Ranko bravely.
Ukyou: It's for your own good, Ranchan.
Ranma-chan: What? You too, Ukyou? What is this, gang-up on Ranma
day? I'm surprised Ryoga ain't here!
Akane and Ukyou looked at each other, then back at Ranko. She was
currently slung over Ryoga's shoulder. They decided not to tell
her.
Akane: Look, Ranma...we know you've been under a lot of stress
lately...
Ranma-chan: Yeah, yeah...
Ukyou: And we know sometimes it's all too much to bear...
Ranma-chan: Yeah, yeah...
Akane: But that's no reason to kill yourself!
Ranma-chan: [shrieking] WHAT?!?
Ryoga: Surprised we knew about it, Ranma? You were completely
obvious about it! You couldn't fool a baby if it was
blindfolded!
Ranma-chan: You're one to talk, you big--I don't believe this.
Did you dopes really think I was gonna kill myself?
Akane: Well, there was that suicide note...
Ranma-chan: What are you talking about? You're crazy!
Ryoga turned red.
Ryoga: Ranma! How DARE you call Akane crazy!
Seeing as how she was currently in a rather vulnerable position,
Ranko decided to shut up while she was ahead (2).
Ranma-chan: Okay! Okay! You're not crazy!
Ukyou: So you admit you were going to kill yourself?
Ranma-chan: AAARRRGGGHHH!
Akane: [worried] I think he's losing it.
Ukyou: [worried] Maybe we should hurry.
Ranma-chan: I'M NOT LOSING IT!
Akane: [to Ukyou] Mm-hm. Definitely.
There was a sound from ahead. Everyone turned to look. It was the
sort of sound that made you drop everything and cringe.
Unfortunately, Ranko was 'everything'. She hit the ground with a
thud that knocked the wind out of her. The sound was a laugh.
An evil, insane laugh.
Kodachi: OHOHOHO! I see you've already done my work for me, Akane
Tendo! But rest assured, pig-tailed witch, your day is yet to
come! How dare you turn my Ranma against me? Me, the Black
Rose?
Akane and Ukyou: [flatly] Kodachi.
Strangely, Ryoga turned deadly white. He started edging away from
Ranko and pretended to be an innocent bystander. Ryoga looking
inconspicuous is a joke. Anybody who saw Ryoga looking innocent
would convict him of first degree murder on the spot. Luckily,
nobody was looking in his direction.
Kodachi: Very well! I will take this evil girl from you, and in
return, I will spare you! OHOHOHO!
Kodachi used the Incredible Observer Strike (3), grabbing the prone
form of Ranko before anybody could react. She then leapt into the
trees, Ranko's body flying behind her, her mouth forming a silent
"help?" as Akane, Ukyou and (to some extent) Ryoga looked on in
stunned fascination.
(1) Okay, remember what I said about being Canadian? Well, this
one's an American joke, so you *can* flame me on this one. It's
part of your constitutional rights, just after bearing arms and
just before bombing the heck out of Iraq.
(2) If the girls had been thinking clearly, they would have
realized that this was not normal behaviour for Ranma and been even
more worried.
(3) See the Ranma 1/2 Role-Playing Game (a fan supplement for
White Wolf's Street Fighter Game or even White Wolf's World of
Darkness Game) written by Rogan R. Hamby. It's very well thought
out, but needs some playtesting (hint, hint). Essentially,
the Incredible Observer Strike is the move Kodachi used in her
Rhythmic Gymnastics tournament with Ranko, consisting of using the
ribbon to grab an object or person and use THEM as weapons. In
this case, slightly modified. If you're interested in picking up
a copy of this fine game supplement (or better yet, the Happosai
Totem Spirit for White Wolf's Werewolf: The Apocalypse) you can
grab it at the Broken Mirror Homepage
(http://199.222.128.14/students/rhamby/index.html). Tell Malkav
that Dave sent you.
* * *
Kodachi stopped. Ranko looked at her hopefully. Then Kodachi
laughed. Ranko's hopes plummeted like the cost of real estate
after she moved into Nerima.
Ranma-chan: Look, Kodachi...I know you're trying to help and
all...but I'm not trying to kill myself! Really!
Kodachi: Oh, is that so? Good! That way, you'll be more fun to
torture! OHOHOHO! How DARE you? You wicked girl!
Kodachi took out her ribbon.
Ranma-chan: ME? You're calling *me* wicked? Take a look in the
mirror, why don't y--EEK!
Kodachi, satisfied at the effect of her ribbon snapping next to
Ranko's left eye, smiled wickedly. And then snapped the ribbon
again, this time closer. Ranko screamed in terror.
* * *
Akane and Ukyou turned, hearing the scream. They ran into a
clearing. Strangely, Ranko and Kodachi were nowhere to be seen.
Then Ranko screamed again, directly overhead. Akane looked up.
Kodachi had wrapped Ranko up in her ribbon and was getting out a
hoop. It looked sharp. Ranko was perched somewhat precariously on
a tree branch. Akane stood there, trying to figure out what to do.
Ukyou: HEY!
Kodachi looked down.
Ukyou: Yeah, YOU! The exhibitionist girl with the sadistic
tendencies (1)! Give Ranchan back to us! She's ours!
Kodachi sneered at them.
Kodachi: Oh, really? Just try to take her from me!
Kodachi's ribbon snaked out at Ukyou. Ukyou dodged out of the way,
only barely in time. Kodachi laughed insanely. Ukyou rolled
desperately on the ground, managing to dodge only some of the blows
that stung like fire. Akane tried to avoid getting hit, but she
too was struck twice. Akane decided she'd had enough. She grabbed
ahold of the ribbon. In retrospect, not her brightest inspiration.
It felt like she'd just grabbed hold of a red-hot poker. She
gasped but managed to keep her grasp. She could feel Kodachi
pulling it tight. She pulled back.
Ukyou looked at the two enemies apparently playing a deadly version
of 'tug-of-war', shrugged, got out a spatula, and cut the ribbon.
Both Akane and Kodachi were braced for the effort. They fell
backwards.
Of course, Akane fell about five feet, whereas Kodachi fell off a
tree branch.
Akane and Ukyou quickly grabbed Ranko and ran. Ryoga shrugged and
followed, leaving a groaning Kodachi in the dirt.
(1) No, not Azusa. Although that fits her, too.
* * *
Ranko turned her head to look at Akane.
Ranma-chan: Hey, Akane, look, I'm all better now! Really! You
can let me go! I promise I won't kill myself!
Ryoga: So you admit you WERE trying to kill yourself!
Ukyou: I don't think it would be a good idea to believe anything
he says.
Akane: I've heard of people like this...Kasumi mentioned it, from
some book she borrowed from Dr. Tofu...they'll say anything,
promise anything, and then they'll break their word first
chance they get.
Ranma-chan: But I'm telling the truth! Honest!
Ukyou: Sorry, Ranchan.
Ranma-chan: Wait a second! Listen to yourself for a second. If
I say I'm suicidal, you'll tie me up. If I say I'm not,
you'll tie me up. I can't win!
Akane: It's for your own good.
Ukyou: And it's only for a little while.
Ranma-chan: A little while? What's a little while?
Ukyou: Oh, no more than...a month, tops.
Ranma-chan: WHAT?!?
Ukyou: Don't worry. We'll be there to help you with your problem.
Ranma-chan: I don't have any problems!
Akane: And I'll make dinner especially for you!
Ranko turned pale.
Ranma-chan: N-n-now, Akane. T-there's no need to make threats.
I'll cooperate. I'll do anything! Please!
Akane just looked at Ranko sadly.
Akane: I'm sorry, Ranma. But I'm not going to listen to you
anymore. I can't trust you.
Ranma-chan: ARGH! You uncute tomboy!
Akane: ...
Ranma-chan: BAKA! Tomboy! Kawaiikune!
Akane: [turning red] ...
Ranma-chan: You're built like a brick, your thighs are too
thick...
Akane turned scarlet. Her hands twitched. She spun around, ready
to pulverize Ranko. Ukyou grabbed her hands and looked at Akane
sternly.
Ukyou: Akane! Ranma can't help himself right now! It's not him
talking, it's the disease!
Akane: [angry] Grrr...I *guess* so...
Ranma-chan: And I HATE okinomiyaki!
Ukyou turned Ranko into road pizza with her mega-spatula. Akane
smirked. Ranko just groaned.
Ukyou: HOW DARE YOU!
Akane: [smugly] Now, Ukyou. It's not Ranma talking. It's the
disease.
Ranma-chan: Ow. What disease? I ain't got any disease! And I'm
NOT trying to kill myself! Stupid girl! You can't even kick!
Your cooking makes me sick!
Ryoga: Say, Ranma. Are you sure you're not sick?
Ranma-chan: Of course not! I never get sick!
Ryoga: ...Because, if you're not, Akane has no reason not to kill
you herself.
Ranma-chan: [mouth open] Uh...
Ryoga: ...Not to mention the fact that you're tied up and can't
run away...
Ranma-chan: Uh...
Ryoga: And then there's my revenge to consider...you know, I've
always wanted an opportunity like this...
Ranma-chan: I'm sick! I'm sick! Hoo-BOY am I sick! Yes sir,
sick as a puppy (1)!
Akane: That's better, Ranma. Admitting you have a problem is the
first step on the long road to recovery.
Ranko groaned.
(1) Actually, this expression doesn't make any sense to me, but my
mom uses it, so it *must* mean something. Or not.
* * *
With Ranko silent, the trek homewards passed inexorably. Well, for
about fifteen seconds, anyways. Still, it doens't usually last
that long in this series.
There was a rustle from the bushes ahead. Out stepped a familiar-
looking azure-haired Amazon (1).
Shampoo: Nihao! Shampoo come to get groom from pervert girl and
not-nice girl!
Akane: You can't have him!
Ukyou: Who are you calling 'Not-nice girl'?
Ranma-chan: [sarcastic] ...And her handsome sidekick, Pig-boy.
Shampoo: If pervert girl tries to stop Shampoo, Shampoo kill!
Akane: Oh YEAH? Just try it!
Ukyou: [pleading] Can't we all just be friends?
Akane and Shampoo: SHUT UP!
Ukyou: No! [to Akane] Whose side are you on, anyways? [spinning
around 180 degrees to Shampoo] Look, Shampoo, lemme ask you
a question. Why do you want Ranma anyways?
Shampoo: Ranma beat Shampoo in fight. Amazon law--
Ukyou: No, no, no. I mean, why NOW?
Shampoo: Oh! Shampoo have wedding!
Everybody: WHAT?
Shampoo sighed wistfully as her eyes misted up.
Shampoo: Ranma and Shampoo wedding. Shampoo beautiful bride,
Ranma tell her he love her...
Akane: And just HOW were you thinking of getting him to go along
with this?
Shampoo: Groom have no choice! He all tied up right now.
Ukyou: AH-HA!
Shampoo: [startled] "Ah-ha"?
Ukyou elbowed Akane in the ribs and pointed to the stream
discretely.
Ukyou: By your OWN laws, the groom has to beat you in a fight,
right?
Akane got to the stream. She looked at it uncomprehendingly.
Shampoo: [blinking] So?
Ukyou gestured frantically at the water, then motioned towards
Shampoo. Akane brightened.
Ukyou: SO...what are people going to say if the groom has been
captured by the bride?
Shampoo's eyes went wide.
Shampoo: AIYAA! Shampoo not think of that! What Shampoo do?!
Ukyou: NOW, Akane!
Shampoo straightened.
Shampoo: Ah ha! Shampoo no worry, because--SPLASH--meow.
Ranko screamed and tried to slither away. Ukyou picked up the now-
wet cat and smiled at it in a way that Kodachi would have killed to
be able to duplicate.
Shampoo-Neko: [worried] Mrrow?
Ukyou tossed Shampoo into the air, then got out her mega-spatula.
Catching the cat on its return fall, she shunted it off in a
ninety-degree angle towards the stream. There was a splash.
Voice: Akane Tendo, you disappoint me. Is water your answer to
everything?
Akane: Who...?
Everyone turned around. It was Mousse. Wearing his glasses, for
a change. He stood, head down, his arms folded into his sleeves.
Mousse: You get rid of all your enemies with water. But are
life's problems so easily solved? You only make things worse
by not dealing with the root of your problems. Akane Tendo,
the Jhusenkyo curses should be treated with respect, not the
careless whim you seem to believe. Remember that in a
different life, it could be you who is cursed and not Shampoo.
Ryoga: Hear, hear!
Everyone turned to look at Ryoga. He tried to turn invisible and
failed. He knew he should have paid more attention in Sorcery 101.
He tried the next best thing.
Ryoga: Er, I meant I agree with Mousse. Using water doesn't solve
anything.
Akane was shocked. Ryoga had never, ever sided against her before.
Akane: Ryoga!
Mousse cleared his throat.
Mousse: Or Ranma! Yes, even this sorry wretch is cursed and
deserves your pity. Do you think his problems are made any
less for his human form? Remember why he hides from his
mother, Akane Tendo, before you throw water on him again for
petty revenge. 'An eye for an eye leaves the whole world
blind'.
Akane: [shocked] Mousse...
(1) No, not Azusa. That was azure, not azusa. Besides, she's not
even in this story.
* * *
Elsewhere, the Japanese Ministry of Wildlife was meeting in an
emergency session.
First Man: ...And then we were able to track down a few and place
radio-tags on them.
Second Man: And what have you found?
First Man: The entire Chinese Peking Duck population seems to have
migrated to...uh...
Woman: To where?
First Man: ...Nerima city park.
Second Man: WHAT?
First Man: I can't explain it, sir. It's almost like they're
being controlled by someone.
Woman: I don't think I need to tell any of you that the Minister
is quite perturbed over the situation. His Chinese
counterpart called him up and yelled at him for 'stealing
China's precious national resources'. The Minister wants us
to get them back to China A.S.A.P.
First Man: We already have our agents tracking down the radio-
tagged ducks. It's only a matter of time before they fall
into our hands.
* * *
Everyone stood, silent and still as statues, as if painted people
in a picture.
Ukyou was the first to break the silence.
Ukyou: [awed] Wow. You sounded almost...
Mousse: [yelling] And now I will kill Ranma!
Chains and spikes flew out of his sleeves, entangling everybody.
Luckily, most of them hit the immobile Ranko. Ranko was soon
covered head to toe.
Ukyou: [flatly] ...too good to be true.
Akane: WHAT? After all that talk!?
Mousse: I have heard this day with my own ears that the hateful
Ranma Saotome is eloping with my Shampoo! How dare he!
Akane glared at Ranko. Ranko sweated in her chains.
Ukyou: Look, Mousse. I don't know who told you that, but they
were lying.
Mousse: Kodachi heard it straight from Ranma!
Akane turned angrier. Ranko tried to smile. He looked at Ukyou.
She was avoiding looking at him. She looked quite calm, actually.
She stepped over him to speak with Mousse. On the way, she kicked
Ranko in the stomach. Hard.
Ranma-chan: [breathlessly] Oof! [whispering] I didn't! I'm
not! You gotta believe me!
Ukyou: [sweetly] Well, I think she must have misheard.
Mousse: Perhaps. But even so, I must defend my beloved Shampoo!
Akane: Do *you* see Shampoo here, Mousse?
Mousse: Of course! She's right there!
Mousse pointed. Everyone obligingly turned around to see. Mousse
was pointing at a fountain.
Ukyou: [trying hard to be calm] Mousse, that's a fountain.
Mousse: No more tricks! I WILL KILL HIM WITH MY BARE HANDS!!
Ukyou used her mega-spatula to ward off the raging Mousse.
Ukyou: Whoa! Now, sugar, it sounds like you got something more
than a simple bone to pick with Ranma-honey.
Akane: How could you possibly hate someone so much?
Mousse: You really want to know?
Ukyou: Yep.
Mousse: All right.
Mousse composed himself and looked down at the ground.
Mousse: It all started days ago, when I was flying over the Tendo
dojo. I had just been rejected by Shampoo, and was thinking
about her when a rock flew up at me. Looking down, I saw the
culprit--Ranma! My glasses fell off, and I nearly crashed.
Flying desperately, I accidentally flew out to sea. Lacking
any idea of direction, I kept flying until I found land. On
the other side of the Pacific!! There, I was nearly cooked
and eaten! Then I managed to fly back, but because I was so
tired, I was found by some bird-watchers who took me to Hong
Kong! I managed to fly back here, but not without causing a
mass migration of my species--who are now all avidly following
me! I'm just lucky they sleep at night. But that wasn't the
end of my troubles! I came back--only to be radio-tagged by
some scientists, because my species had flown here! And then
I managed to turn back, only to be beaten up by some old
ladies at a restaurant! But then YOU turned me into a duck
again! Heroically, I found the Cat Cafe, but I was hit by a
car, where some unscrupulous man found me and sold me to a
delicatessen! Where Ranma found me! But he just laughed in
evil glee at my impending demise and left me to rot! Only
thanks to the pure heart of a stranger was I freed and changed
back to my human form. And so here I am to take my revenge!
NOW do you see why I hate him so much? (1)
Mousse turned to his audience. They stood perfectly still.
Mousse: I asked you a question!
They said nothing.
Mousse: I demand an answer!
They didn't react.
Mousse: I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!
Mousse put his glasses back on to aim his attack properly. He
stopped, dumbfounded. He was facing four scarecrows. He whirled
around. Far in the distance, he could see three shapes. No, make
that four - one was being carried by the others. Mousse snarled.
Mousse: SAOTOME!! YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!!
(1) If you managed to read all the way through that speech without
falling asleep, you have my congratulations.
* * *
Everyone paused, hearing a shout behind them.
Ukyou: Uh-oh, I think he's figured it out. We better run.
Ranma-chan: I still want to know where you found the scarecrows
(1).
Akane hit Ranko on the head.
Akane: Shut up and save your breath for running!
Ranko gave her a flat stare as she was carried along by Ryoga, tied
up securely. Akane got a bead of sweat on her head as she realized
what she had said.
Overhead, a white streak flashed by. Everyone ducked, expecting
some kind of crazy contraption. They were half right. It was
Mousse. He advanced on them again from the front.
Mousse: Ha! That's the last time I let myself fall into one of
your traps!
Mousse attacked, focusing on Ryoga since he was carrying Ranko.
Ryoga looked at Mousse attacking. Then he looked down at Ranko.
Ranko looked at Ryoga, sensing his mood and smiled nervously at
him. Ryoga shrugged and dropped Ranko.
Ryoga: Whoops. Gee, I'm sorry, Ranko.
Ranma-chan: [yelling] You're not sorry at all! You did that on
purpose, you pig!
Mousse grabbed Ranko and jumped away.
Akane: Not ANOTHER chase! I can't take any more running!
Ukyou: I've got an idea. Play along, Akane.
Ukyou cleared her throat. She started calling out to Mousse in
broken Japanese.
Ukyou: [high-pitched] Mousse! Where you going?
Mousse stopped in his tracks. He looked back uncertainly.
Mousse: Shampoo? Is that you?
Ukyou: How can Mousse run off with another woman when he has
Shampoo?
Mousse started running back to Ukyou.
Mousse: Shampoo! You *do* love me!!
He leaped for joy. Akane's kick caught him around the high point
of the leap. Mousse fell down, unconscious. Ranko fell onto the
ground and rolled. She groaned.
Voice: How exquisite a kick; how exquisite the lady. Though it
might have been unfair, your heart was noble. I can fault you
not one bit, my love (2).
Everybody: [flatly] Kuno.
(1) So do I, but it moved the plot along, didn't it?
(2) Did anyone *not* guess who this was?
* * *
Akane and Ukyou turned around to face this new threat. Not that
Kuno really counts as a threat on his best day, but Akane and Ukyou
were tired from running and fighting all night.
Kuno raised his bokken high into the air in challenge and started
to speak plainly and clearly in a deep, serious voice.
Kuno: I can hold no enmity to those concerned with evil. But to
those vile beings who toy with the souls of men, since the
time of the ancient gods, we have been your destroyers.
Mamono Hunter 110th generation, Kuno Tatewake is here, bew--
wait a second. That doesn't sound right.
Everyone just stared at him. Kuno was making less sense than
normal. Kuno pulled two pieces of paper from his sleeve. He
looked at the two and then coughed into his hand.
Kuno: Sorry, wrong speech.
He cleared his throat.
Kuno: As I was saying, though my heart is torn between two--
possibly three loves, I must also follow my head and not my
heart. As a samurai, it is my duty to help all those who are
oppressed, all those in need of aid. None here can deny me
that right.
Everyone simultaneously opened their mouths. Kuno overrode them.
Kuno: Though I long for the graceful Akane, she is acting most
untoward this night. And while the pig-tailed twins are often
ethereal and confusing, they too are very real in my heart.
Though I cannot stand to attack my love Akane, it is my duty
to free the pig-tailed girl and her sister.
Everyone looked at Kuno, trying to figure out if he had brain
damage. That is, more than usual. That was a mistake. It gave
Kuno time to breathe (1).
Kuno: That most dastardly of all villains, Ranma Saotome, is not
here. Yet I can sense his evil presence pervading all here
tonight! That malefactor is an enemy of all women! He alone
among all men deserves Hell! He shall be beaten to an inch of
his life! He is cruel! He is cowardly! He is all that is
evil! Who will shake off their spell and join me in defeating
him?
Ryoga: YEAH! I will!
Ukyou grabbed Ryoga by the shirt.
Ukyou: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Ryoga: I said, yeah, I'll help him...oh.
Kuno: Then die! Strike strike strike strike strike strike!
Kuno ran forward, his bokken clearing a path for him. Akane
stepped in his way. He stopped in his tracks.
Kuno: Ah, my love, I see that you see the error of your ways and
wish to surrender. Very well, I will DATE with thee--WHAM
Akane shook her head at Kuno, who was rapidly disappearing from
view in the sky. He never changed.
(1) Letting Kuno breathe is considered a mistake at any time, not
to mention a breach of etiquette.
* * *
The bushes ahead rustled. Everybody stopped.
Akane: AAAGGGHHH! THAT'S IT!
Akane grabbed a mallet out of Hammerspace. She gestured with it
threateningly. Everybody ducked who was able to. Ranko got hit on
the head with a back swing.
Ranma-chan: WHAM Urk!
Akane: WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! COME ON OUT! Who is it this
time? Cologne? Happosai? Mikado and Azusa (1)? I can take
'em!
A gorgeous man in a tiger-striped bodysuit ran out of the bushes
and landed on Ukyou.
Rei: Will...you...cook...for...me...
Ukyou looked at him. He was a hunk. No, he was a dreamboat. He
was the absolute perfect man. Well, except for his lack of
language skills. But she could work on that. And she was a great
cook! She hugged him happily.
Ukyou: Of course I will!
Ranma-chan: Hey!
Rei: [struggling with her] For...the...rest...of...your...life?
Ukyou: [happily] Is that a proposal? Yes! Yes!
Ranma-chan: WHAT?!?
Rei finally managed to win free and ran smack into Akane.
Rei: Will...you...cook...for...WHAM
Rei flew into the air with a swing of a mallet.
Akane: Get out of here, you pervert!
Ranko looked at Ukyou. Ukyou seemed to shake her head, and then
looked over at him.
Ukyou: Oh...why was I acting like that? I just couldn't
help...AHH! Ranchan! I'M SO SORRY!! Please, Ranchan, you
know I wouldn't ever do that to you!
Akane: You just did.
Ukyou: It was some kind of magic! It made me forget about Ranma!
Ryoga: So why wasn't Akane affected then?
Ukyou: Er...because she's such a tomboy, the spell thought she was
a guy. Yeah, that's it.
Akane: HEY!
Ranma-chan: ...I can accept that. Okay.
Akane: HEY!!
The aforementioned mallet found a new resting place in Ranko's
skull.
(1) You see, *now* you could ask "Azusa?".
* * *
Ukyou, Akane and Ryoga ran with Ranko trussed up as a prize turkey.
Reaching the top of a hill, Akane called a halt to see where they
were.
Akane: I think I can see the dojo from here! We're almost home,
guys!
Ukyou: Akane, do you think it would be such a good idea to take
Ranma-honey back to your house?
Akane: [angry] Of *course* it's a good idea! [pause] Why?
Ukyou: Well, because Ranchan's mom might wonder why Ranko's being
brought in tied up.
Ranma-chan: Tied up, covered in chains, ribbons, mud, assorted
stones, tired, hungry, and surrounded by three raving lunat--
OOF.
Ryoga stood up from where he had elbowed Ranko.
Ryoga: I think Akane is right. We have to take her to the dojo;
your okinomiyaki-ya is too far away, Ukyou.
Ukyou: [incredulous] *You're* telling me what's too far away?
*You*?
Akane: C'mon, guys! We don't have all night!
Ranma-chan: [bored] ...Some of us, anyways.
Just then, there was a rustle from the bushes. Nobody waited this
time. Rocks, branches, spatulas, mallets, and medium-size boulders
were launched in the general direction of the rustling foliage.
Mousse: [popping out of the bushes] Saotome, now you will DI--
WHAM POW SMASH RIP CRASH SMACK THUD CRUNCH
Mousse fell over, struck by no less than two dozen various
projectiles. Then Akane felt something coming at her from behind
and dodged, just barely in time. A bonbori flew past, connected to
a by-now familiar amazon girl from China (1).
Shampoo was not alone. With her were Kuno and Kodachi. All three
were in excellent positions to strike. Akane, Ukyou and Ryoga
hurriedly got into defensive postures while Kodachi and Shampoo
bragged, giving away their advantage.
Shampoo: Ha! Pervert-girl fooled by decoy!
Akane: You used Mousse as a decoy? How cruel can you get?!
Shampoo: What *else* use duck for?
Kodachi: Never mind that! We're here--
Kuno: To free the pig-tailed girl--
Shampoo: And beat Akane senseless--
Mousse: [weakly] And get rid of Ranma!
Kodachi frowned at Mousse. Mousse turned pale. She sent a razor
hoop flying at him. He yelped and ducked. It missed him. He
breathed in a sigh of relief for the one point five seconds before
the tree branch above him, cut at the stem, fell on his head.
Akane ran forward to engage Kodachi while Ukyou attacked Shampoo.
Ryoga stood there looking confused while Kuno attacked him. Then
Ryoga got mad and kicked Kuno into a tree without breaking a sweat.
Kodachi: [to Akane] OHOHOHOHO! OHOHOHO! Hello my dear, I'm
Kodachi and I'll be your worst nightmare for this evening.
How would you like to surrender, now or after I beat you
senseless?
Kodachi attacked Akane mercilessly. Ribbons snapped in her face
and in the air, keeping her from attacking. She tried desperately
to shield her face and hands, but it wasn't working. She knew she
was being driven backwards, but she couldn't figure out a way of
stopping Kodachi's terrible attack. She stumbled as she hit a tree
root. She fell over, yelping in surprise. Kodachi grinned evilly
and prepared her 'blow-of-a-thousand-clubs' special manuever.
Suddenly, as all seemed lost for Akane, a blue form interposed
itself between the two girls as a yellow and black blur headed
towards the unstable acrobat with the speed of a freight train.
Kodachi hesitated, uncertain. Then she realized the danger she was
in and launched her deadly attack. Ryoga slammed into her, sending
clubs flying all over the hill. He slumped down, struck by dozens
of her clubs. She fell over, unconscious. Kuno was also
unconscious, struck by the blows meant to hurt his beloved Akane.
Ukyou was having trouble with Shampoo, who was using her bonbori
most effectively against Ukyou's spatula. Ukyou was guarding
Ranko--which was Ryoga's job, she grumbled--and had a lot less room
to manuever in than Shampoo did. She threw a spatula at Shampoo's
feet. It dug into the dirt before her. Shampoo tripped. Ukyou
took a step back, bringing her mega-spatula to bear.
Ukyou: Batter's-up!
Her mega-spatula cleaved the air where Shampoo was. Except that
Shampoo wasn't there any more. Ukyou spun, knowing she was already
too late, catching a glimpse of blue out of the corner of her
eye...
And nothing. She finished her spin. Shampoo was lying on the
ground. Ukyou looked up at Akane.
Akane: While she was busy sneaking up on you, I snuck up on her.
Ukyou smiled. Then Kuno's bokken nearly cut her in two. She and
Akane leapt out of the way. Shampoo got back up again. Mousse
suddenly arose from behind her and glomped onto Shampoo.
Mousse: Shampoo!
Shampoo beat Mousse senseless. Once again, the match was on, one-
on-one. Then Akane heard Kodachi get up behind them and felt her
heart sink.
Ukyou heard the same thing and turned around. She noticed
something was wrong. It hit her like a ton of feathers (2).
Ukyou: Ranchan's gone!!
Everyone turned. Ranko was indeed gone. But she wasn't gone far.
Slightly down the hill, she was rolling slowly down in the only
movement she was capable of. She seemed to realize something was
wrong and looked up. She started rolling desperately. This seemed
to trigger something inside everybody watching, and suddenly
everyone shook off their lethargy and started running after her.
Ukyou managed to get into the lead. She let Akane pass, then put
her mega-spatula down at knee height. Kuno tripped over it,
crashing into Kodachi, who leapt above the spatula but hadn't
prepared for a flying idiot at 6 o'clock. The two of them hit
Shampoo, who had much practice avoiding flying idiots with Mousse
around but hadn't counted on an airbourne acrobat. The three
tangled in midair, rolling into a ball. Mousse, lagging behind,
started chasing the Shampoo-ball rather than Ranko. He heard
Shampoo scream in confusion and acted on reflex, firing dozens of
chains from his robes. For once, he managed to hit his target; the
Shampoo-ball was hit several times. Unfortunately, Mousse didn't
have the strength or mass to stop the downhill momentum of an
object containing not one, not two but *three* teenage martial
artists. After a split-second struggle, Mousse was thrown into the
air violently, still connected to the rolling ball by his chains.
Akane and Ukyou didn't notice any of this. They just ran towards
Ranko and hoped the others weren't too close behind. Actually, if
they had bothered to look behind them, they would have *really*
been running. There are very few things in this world more
terrifying than having a mixed Shampoo-Kodachi-Kuno ball rolling
towards you, whipping Mousse around itself as it lumbers downhill.
Ranko realized she had lost control. She started rolling faster
and faster down the hill. She also realized it was a rather
uncomfortable mode of transportation, especially when she hit the
big, sharp rocks that seemed to be a lot more common than she had
remembered. Maybe she should have thought of that before she
started (3). She reached the ground first. Unfortunately, she
didn't get very far. She came to a halt on Main Street. Right in
the middle of the road.
Ranko screamed as cars honked desperately and swerved around her
for all of about two seconds before Akane and Ukyou reached her,
each grabbing one end of her without pausing. Ranko yelped.
Ranma-chan: Ow! Hey, couldn't you be a bit more gentle?
Ranko turned around a bit. Behind them, she saw Kuno, Kodachi,
Shampoo and Mousse chasing them on foot. They looked more than a
little angry, not to mention bruised in a number of delicate places
(4). And they were catching up. In a flash of wisdom that only
comes after near-death experiences, Ranko decided to shut up until
behind a locked door (5). Preferably one with steel plating.
Kuno: Surrender the pig-tailed girl!
Kodachi: Nobody insults the Black Rose like that!
Mousse: You will pay for what you did to my Shampoo!
Shampoo: Shampoo KILL!
Make that titanium. For some reason, Akane got a second wind.
Looking over at Ukyou, she saw the okinomiyaki girl speed up as
well.
Akane turned back around. She saw the dojo up ahead! In a sprint,
she and Ukyou ran through the gates and threw Ranko to the ground.
They slammed the doors on the foursome chasing them.
(1) I told you, Azusa isn't *in* the story! Stop bugging me!
(2) C'mon, Ukyou's the nicest and sweetest of all Ranma's
fiancees and certainly the only character with any empathy
whatsoever. She doesn't deserve to be hit with a ton of bricks.
Nobody does. Except maybe Azusa. Besides, they weigh the same
anyways, so what's your beef?
(3) But then again, this is Ranma we're talking about.
(4) Their ankles, stomachs and necks, of course. Where did you
*think* I meant?
(5) This just goes to prove my point about Ranma being sick.
* * *
Up on a lonely, starlit hill, a lone figure staggered to his feet.
Ryoga: Akane?
Nobody answered.
Ryoga: Ukyou?
Ryoga got desperate.
Ryoga: Ranma? Kuno? Shampoo?
Ryoga never considered calling out for Kodachi; he wasn't *that*
desperate. He looked around him. Well, there obviously had been
a battle fought here, as shown by the spatulas sticking out of
trees, the gymnastic clubs littering the ground and the remains of
a wooden bokken next to a rock. Of course, that could be pretty
much anywhere in Nerima. Or, come to think of it, China. Not to
mention Saudi Arabia. He always seemed to do this.
Ryoga: WHERE THE HECK AM I NOW?
End of Part Five
