* * *


An Akane To Forget

A Ranma 1/2 FanFiction

by David Harper

Part One


* * *

Shampoo smiled. It was all done, at last. She poured the
magic noodles into Akane's pink bowl, then walked out to find a
suitable dress to wear to the dojo, smiling with anticipation as
she left.
Two seconds after her exit, Mousse silently crept into the
kitchen. He glanced around the room nervously before sneaking over
to the ramen steaming on the table. There was one pink bowl, one
blue bowl, and five white bowls, all in matching coloured boxes.
"How nice of Shampoo to colour-code them so even I, with my
bad eyesight, can tell which is which!" he laughed quietly.
Obviously, the blue was for Ranma--Shampoo always singled him out
for special treatment. The thought was enough to make Mousse burn
with envy, but for now he focused his attention on the task instead
of his hated rival. Revenge would come soon--very soon, in fact.
Okay, blue was for Ranma. That meant that the drug was in the
pink bowl, since it was the only other special bowl in the set.
Shampoo would never serve Ranma food in a pink bowl. That would be
too feminine for the ultra-masculine martial artist (1).
Mousse grinned as he got out another set of blue and pink
bowls and poured the contents of Shampoo's bowls into them (2).
Then, thinking sadly of what he had to do, he switched them *back*
to where they belonged, and waited grimly. Oh, the sacrifices he
made for his Shampoo!
A minute later, Shampoo came back down. "Mousse?" she
queried, surprised at seeing him there. "What you--" she stopped
short, seeing the extra bowls on the counter. "MOUSSE DIE!!" she
screamed, slamming him into the wall with her bonbori. He
slithered down the wall, smiling blissfully.
"She...she touched me..." he whispered happily. Shampoo
angrily examined the bowls of steaming ramen. There was no way to
tell them apart, except for the colour of the bowls. She cursed
silently.
"Stupid Mousse!" she said out loud finally. "Why you do that
for?" Her question didn't really need an answer, and he didn't
volunteer one. Then she stopped, struck by a sudden thought.
"Mousse..." Mousse looked up. Shampoo was...angry. That was
the only way to put it. No, angry didn't even cover it. She was
the essence of anger. She was incensed. She burned white-hot with
rage. With her in the room, even a blind man would flee.
Unfortunately, Mousse was not only vision-impaired but, at the
moment, crippled and partially attached to the wall. He cringed.
"Mousse," Shampoo said in tones that would scare the dead back
to life, "You no try get rid of RANMA, do you?" Mousse gave her a
nervous smile.
"Uh--" he said wittily, trying to figure out the quickest lie
that would save him from imminent death. He ran out of time.
Shampoo smashed him deeper into the wall.
"NOW MOUSSE DIE!!" she screamed, and spent the next five
minutes in a scene of unimaginable violence (3).
Exhausted at last, she turned away from what once had been
Mousse--and would be again, after about a month in intensive care--
and looked at the problem at hand. In this case, the ramen.
"Hmph. Shampoo just switch bowls," she said out loud. She
proceeded to do so. The heap at her feet stirred.
"No! Shampoo! Please don't! I beg you!" Then it fell
silent. This was not surprising, considering Shampoo had stepped
on Mousse's head. She smiled. "This too easy." Then her eyes
narrowed again at the thought. Suddenly, they widened in surprise.
"Yes...is *too* easy...Mousse try to double-cross Shampoo!"
Mousse's eyes widened just a fraction. It was all Shampoo needed
as evidence. She kicked him into low earth orbit.
Shampoo carefully swapped the bowls again. Mousse had thought
to trick her by swapping the bowls *twice*--then leaving evidence
of a switch and trusting in Shampoo's own paranoia to switch them
back--doing his work for him! But now she had them back to normal,
right? Right?
Shampoo left for the Tendo dojo a little warily, but also a
little triumphant.


(1) For those of you who were wondering, that's Ranma, not Akane.

(2) Note to readers: Keep track of whose ramen is in whose bowl
from this point on. It may get confusing. No, scratch that. It
will *definitely* get confusing. Just to be nice, the Eradicating
Ramen started in the pink bowl, and Mousse *did* swap them twice.
But so did Shampoo, so it's back in the pink bowl again. Pink bowl
= Magic ramen. Got it so far? Let me know if you have trouble.

(3) The Surgeon General warns that trying to imagine an
unimaginable scene may be hazardous to your health and has been
known to cause people to watch Sailor Moon to recover.

* * *

Ding-dong! Kasumi opened the door. "Oh my!" she exclaimed
(1). "If it isn't little Shampoo!" She smiled at her Amazon
visitor (2). "I'm afraid Ranma's not in right now," she apologized
to her guest, "He and Akane are out playing."
Ordinarily, this might have sent Shampoo on a manhunt. But,
considering she knew what Akane considered to be 'playing', she
stayed calm and decided to kill him later (3). Instead, she smiled
back at Kasumi. "Shampoo know. Come early with food for dinner!
As thanks to Tendos and apology to Akane." She pointed to the
ramen she had brought.
Kasumi smiled. "Oh my! Thank you so much, Shampoo!"
Shampoo smiled back at her. Then she had a sudden thought.
"Just one rule," she said. "Akane get ramen in pink box, okay?"
Kasumi nodded absently and started taking the boxes of ramen
inside. Shampoo bounced inside to stalk--er, to wait for Ranma.


(1) Just once, just *once*, I'd like to hear her say something
besides "Oh my!". Like maybe, "My goodness!" or "Heavens!" or
something else along those lines. I mean, you *can* do 'sweet and
innocent' along with 'original and interesting'. Heck, I'd even
settle for her laughing maniacally and terrorizing the
neighbourhood if I thought it would wake people up at all.

(2) Hey, wouldn't *you* smile if an Amazon warrior rang your
doorbell? I mean, you piss her off and you suddenly lack a wall or
three. It tends to lower the properly values of the neighbourhood
quickly. Not that *that* meant much around the Tendo dojo. I have
a working theory that the only reason the Tendos can stay afloat
financially is because Ranma and crew have lowered property values
so much, they actually get a property tax *refund* from the
government. It has since been pointed out to me that Japan might
very well subsidize dojos, but I'm pretty sure you have to have
students to be considered a dojo, don't you?

(3) Like after he was released from the hospital. The last time
Ranma and Akane 'played' together, for example, Ranma was in ER for
the 36 hours immediately following.

* * *

Happosai bounded in through the kitchen window. "Whoa-hey!
What a haul! What a haul!" he cried, carrying a sack of panties
that was larger than he was (1). He spotted Kasumi and began to
drool.
For some reason, Happosai had never been attracted to Kasumi
in the slightest. Perhaps it was her innocence, such that even
*he*, the biggest pervert in the universe--and the smallest, too--
felt shouldn't be spoiled (2). Perhaps some aspect of her innate
goodness brought out the good in his own soul. Perhaps she
reminded him of a lost love, or a daughter that could have been but
never was. Then again, maybe her simply purity drove him away,
much as a demon might fear a priest.
Instead, Happosai's mighty appetites were drawn not to her
womanly charms, but to the food she was holding. He quickly
grabbed both blue and pink boxes and slipped out their bowls,
drawing the steaming hot ramen close to his waiting mouth...
"Oh my!" said Kasumi. "That's Akane's!" Happosai froze. He
could feel his little heart beating madly inside his little chest
as if trying to escape its bounds. His hands shook a little,
trembling from his near-death experience (3).
"A-Akane's?" asked Happosai, his voice trembling. Kasumi
nodded, blissfully unaware of anthing wrong. "On second thought,
maybe I'm not that hungry," he admitted nervously as he put the
bowls back. Shaken by his brush with Pepto-Bismal addiction, he
didn't even notice when he put the bowls back in the wrong boxes.
"Kasumi, my dear," he said to her, "thanks so much for telling
me about that. I didn't know Akane made it. It looked so...so
HARMLESS!! So much like real food!" he shouted out. "I'm only
human! Who could have thought that *Akane* had made it!?" he
cried, angst-ridden. Kasumi opened her mouth to correct him, but
just then a super-dimensional mallet (4) crashed down on Happosai.
"HOW *DARE* YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY COOKING!?" Akane screamed at
the top of her lungs. Happosai looked up, apparently unhurt from
several hundred pounds of pressure smashing into his skull (5).
"Sweeto!" he cried joyously as he glomped onto Akane's chest.
"AIIEEEK!" she screamed as she slammed the dirty old man from Heck
into space (6). Ranma peered over her shoulder, looking much the
worse for his afternoon's run.
"You know, for once the old freak was *right*," he said in
wondering tones. "I mean, your cooking *is* toxic, but who'da
thought he'd show--WHAM" Ranma joined Happosai in orbiting the
Earth (7). Akane stormed off into the dining room.
Kasumi looked up at the new hole in the ceiling. "Oh my," she
said, "I guess we'll only be having five for dinner, then." She
then looked down at the ramen.
"Oh my," she said again, infuriating the author. "Shampoo put
the wrong bowls in the boxes. I'm sure she meant for Akane to have
the pink bowl as well as the pink box. They go so well together."
Kasumi exchanged the bowls, then paused uncertainly. "Oh, but
wait. Blue is Akane's favourite colour. I'm sure that's why
Shampoo wanted her to have the blue bowl. And it *was* in the pink
box, isn't that right?"
She exchanged the bowls again...and paused again, unsure.
"But she *did* say this was as an apology to Akane, didn't she? I
wonder if she made anything special for Akane?"
She smelled the ramen. She couldn't detect anything different
about it. But that didn't mean anything, really. Sometimes the
best spices left no odour, after all. Kasumi was in a dilemma.
She started to work out the pluses and minuses on each side out
loud as she thought about the problem.
"Well...Akane won't care either way, but Shampoo might be
upset if her friends don't get the right bowls. Oh, what shall I
do?" She looked at the bowls for a moment and wrung her hands.
Then Kasumi smiled and poured the ramen from the blue bowl
into a mixing bowl, then poured the ramen from the pink bowl into
the blue bowl. Finally, she poured the ramen from the mixing bowl
into the pink bowl, and put the bowls back as she had found them--
the blue bowl in the pink box, and the pink bowl in the blue box.
"I'm sure Akane won't mind if she doesn't get anything special
this one time, just in case I've got them mixed up," she said to
herself, "and this way she gets the right bowl, after all. Shampoo
can always correct me if I'm wrong." Then she forgot all about it,
in that little way Kasumi has of doing that kind of thing.


(1) The sack, not the panties. Although that wouldn't be hard to
do, come to think of it.

(2) Outside of Tomobiki High School, of course. Happosai was so
vexed by a young upstart whippersnapper still in high school
stealing the title from him that he sometimes dressed up as a
buddhist monk, calling himself Cherry, and went around making his
rivals' life miserable.

(3) For those of you who have been lucky enough never to have
sampled Akane's cooking, DON'T!! In a recent admission, StatsJapan
admitted that Akane's cooking has become the number one killer in
Japan, edging out heart failure and respiratory disease by a slim
margin in 1996.

(4) The newly-christened SDM-1, powered by protoculture and born
of human struggle. The only bad side effect was that you couldn't
use the main hammer when it was transformed into robot mode. Alas,
all its special features were lost on Akane, who treated it as she
would any other hammer, except for the repeated and unexplained
attacks on her by giant green men in ostrich-like battle armour.

(5) Somehow, this isn't terribly surprising. All the Ranma 1/2
characters seem to have exceptionally hard--and thick--skulls.

(6) Thus becoming the Dirty Old Man From Outer Space. Coming out
soon in a theatre near you, check local listings for showtimes.

(7) Causing NASA some interesting headaches, I'll bet. "Sir,
Japan just launched a satellite. No, sir, it doesn't look like one
of ours. Um, sir? I think I need some time off...that looks like
a little old man and...um...he's groping a girl with red hair..."

* * *

Ranma sat down. He looked at the pink bowl of ramen in front
of him. "Hey, what's this?" he asked, having a suspicion of what
the answer might be (1). Akane sat down in front of the blue bowl
which rested at her place. Shampoo smiled at Ranma. Ranma smiled
back at her somewhat nervously. Sort of like how he might smile at
a hungry tiger, or perhaps like he smiled at Kodachi on a bad day
for her.
"Ah, Shampoo just make husband happy by serving dinner like
good wife should." A sudden thought hit Shampoo. "Oh! And also
want apologize to Akane for today." She smiled sweetly.
Akane ground her teeth. Yeah, right. The day Shampoo wanted
to apologize to her was the day Ranma went out on a date with Kuno.
That tie-dyed hussy probably just wanted another chance to seduce
Ranma, or put some kind of drug in his food, or--uh, oh. Akane
looked at the food in front of her. Ramen. Like Shampoo made in
her restaurant.
She quickly shot a glance at Ranma's bowl. He was looking at
it too--but with hunger, not suspicion. That dolt! Didn't he ever
learn?! She'd have to save him again, she decided. Quickly, Akane
pointed at the door. "What's that?" she asked wonderingly, then
quickly exchanged bowls. Ranma looked back at her.
"I didn't see nothing," he said. "Maybe you're losing it,
Akane. Then again, we already knew th--WHAM!"
Ranma turned his aching attentions back to the meal. It
looked good--unlike that kawaiikune tomboy sitting next to him. He
was about to dig in when he remembered a snatch of conversation
from the Nekohanten that afternoon. Something about taking care of
Akane?...and now Akane was about to eat dinner! He couldn't let
her--she might be stepping into a trap! He bravely (2) decided to
take the risk, not to mention the extra helping of ramen. Ranma
pointed out the window. "Err, hey, what's that?" he asked
creatively, quickly exchanging bowls with Akane as she looked out
the window. Akane turned back to him, arms crossed.
"There's nothing there, Ranma. Honestly! I think *you're*
the one who's losing it!"
Ranma started yelling at Akane. "Oh YEAH? You're the
homicidal tomboy with the attitude!"
Akane yelled back. "Oh, am I? Well, I'll have *you* know,
you pervert, that at least *I* don't have *three* fiancees!"
"Oh yeah? An uncute tomboy like you should be *glad* to have
*one* fiance! You'd never get a husband if he wasn't forced on
you!"
"Oh, and is *that* why half the boys at school fought over me
every day?" Shampoo smiled lazily as Ranma and Akane continued to
fight. They'd never know it before it was too la--she stopped mid-
thought.
Her eyes widened. Ranma had the *pink* bowl!! She suddenly
realized how close to disaster she'd come. She quickly took
advantage of the ensuing argument and switched bowls, blessing
Ranma's inability to think before he spoke. Just in time, too--
Ranma, already losing the battle of wits (3) was turning back to
find solace in his food. Akane did the same, ignoring him--but at
the same time hurt by his words, although she'd never admit it even
to herself. She concentrated on her food instead, angrily grabbing
the noodles and stuffing them into her mouth. Kasumi smiled as she
looked on. It was so nice to see everybody enjoying themselves so
much.
Shampoo watched every last noodle disappear into Akane's mouth
with a hunger that had nothing to do with food. When the last
noodle disappeared into her rival's mouth, she grinned jubilantly.
She counted silently to ten like the instructions said to do.
Then, free of her worst enemy at long last, she leapt at Ranma.
Ranma, who was refilling his bowl for seconds, was unaware of the
fast-approaching wedded bliss planned by the curvaceous Amazon
suddenly glomping onto him.
"Oh, Ranma!" she squealed happily. "Now that Akane gone,
Shampoo all yours! We get married now, Ai Lan! Shampoo so happy!"
Ranma looked like a deer in a spotlight as he struggled not to
spill his ramen while having a pretty chinese girl hold him tight
(4).
Mr. Tendo just looked at the two without expression. "Excuse
me. Now that my Akane's gone *where*?" he asked, not particularly
impressed by seductive Amazon girl or inconstant son-in-law.
Shampoo turned to Mr. Tendo and grinned savagely.
"Gone gone! Akane not here, that where she is!"
Nabiki pointed a finger behind her. "Then who's that?" she
asked. Shampoo turned to see where Nabiki was pointing. Akane was
sitting there, looking angrily at the pair of exhibitionists.
Shampoo's eyes widened.
"Ai-yah! It no work? But...but Shampoo so sure, this
time..." Her voice trailed off. Then Akane's fist met her face,
and she soared off into the night sky. Through the previously
undamaged ceiling.
Unfortunately for Ranma, he was still attached to Shampoo at
that point. He flew into the sky, twinkling faintly as he became
a point against the starry sky and everybody else settled down to
enjoy dinner.


(1) Which meant in his case 'ramen noodles'. Ranma isn't exactly
known for his perception or his skills at observation.

(2) Stupidly, but bravely.

(3) As usual.

(4) This is a hard thing to do. Trust me. Or don't. In fact,
I'm willing to prove it to you! Simply supply me with a pretty
Chinese girl willing to hold me tight, and I'll show you how hard
it is to do. Even if it takes a hundred tries! Or a thousand!
Or...pant, pant...a million! ZZZAAAAP! "DARLING NO BAKA!"
Uh-oh.

* * *

Ranma staggered back. He had taken so many beatings from
Akane that day he was beginning to feel like a practice dummy.
What he needed right now was a nice, hot bath. Maybe that would
help get that strange taste out of his mouth, too. It had lingered
there for some time, as if he'd eaten something awful. Not that he
could *remember* eating any of Akane's cooking...(1)
He stumbled back into the dojo, ignoring Kasumi's "Oh my!
Hello, Ranma." and his father's "Growf" (2). He just went
downstairs to the bathroom. The door was closed. Hm. Ranma
decided to be cautious, a surprise for anybody who knew the rash
young martial artist. He knocked before entering.
Akane was relaxing in the bath, thinking furious thoughts
about that purple hussy, Shampoo, and her own would-be fiance,
Ranma. Specifically, about the two of them together. She soaped
herself, working up a lather quickly, perhaps harder than she had
to. She heard someone knock on the outer door.
"I'm in here," she called out. Couldn't Mr. Saotome wait? He
seemed to *like* being in panda form, from the amount of time he
spent that way.
Ranma waited for a minute then, hearing no response, opened
the door and went in. He closed the door behind him and began to
strip down. He walked over to the inner door. It was also closed,
and some steam was escaping from inside. That was odd; the Tendos
didn't like wasting hot water any more than he liked paying for it
when Nabiki forced him to. He decided to err on the side of
caution and knock again (3).
Akane was relaxing again when she heard a knock again. From
the inner door, this time. "I *said*, I'm IN here!" she shouted.
"Who is it?" she added, just in case. Maybe Kasumi wanted to share
it with her. That would be nice; she hadn't had a bath with her
older sister for ages.
Ranma shrugged. No answer, but better safe than sorry. Even
if it was pop or Mr. Tendo, they might not be too pleased if Ranma
just walked in without asking. He raised his voice. "Hello? It's
me, Ranma! Would you mind if I came in?"
Akane sat up straight in the tub, sending water splashing all
over (4). What was that pervert doing here? Then the meaning of
the words hit her. She grabbed for a towel quickly. "YES! YES I
MIND, YOU PERVERT!" she shouted, at the top of her lungs. "YOU
*BETTER* NOT COME IN!!"
Ranma shrugged. No response--of course. There was nobody in
there, after all. He must just be a little bit more tired than he
thought. He'd be glad for the chance to soak all those bruises in
the hot water of the tub. Ranma brightened with a sudden thought.
Ah, maybe Kasumi had thought of that and drawn it for him! He
ought to thank the eldest Tendo daughter when he got out; he'd been
awfully rude to her when he came in. He smiled and opened the
door.
Akane couldn't believe it when the door opened. She knew
Ranma was a pervert, but THIS--well, it was a good thing she had
that towel handy. Even so, she blushed deep crimson. Then she
noticed he was naked, too. Her eyes widened. Then she turned
white in sheer fury.
"KEEP AWAY! JUST BECAUSE WE'RE ENGAGED DOESN'T GIVE YOU ANY
RIGHTS, YOU KNOW!!" He didn't react. Akane started turning red
again. "YOU HENTAI!! GET OUT!! GET OUT BEFORE I KILL YOU!! STAY
AWAY FROM ME!!" She stood up, out of the pool, and took an angry
step forward, ready to kill him.
Ranma took a cautious look inside. Nope, there was nobody
there. He shrugged his shoulders at the idea, then winced a little
at the pain that caused him. He looked at the steaming bath
awaiting him and walked straight into it. He sighed as the hot
water enveloped him, and then leaned back and closed his eyes in
bliss.
Akane stared as Ranma walked past her. He didn't even bother
looking at her! Akane got mad. She was long past angry. Angry
was normal, safe, even common. Mad was when you got so angry, you
couldn't take it any more without killing something. Most people
never get mad in their entire lives. Akane got mad about once a
month on average. Ranma usually regretted it.
This time was no exception. Somewhere outside, mischievous
spirits felt a chill and decided to turn to greener pastures.
Akane had become an elemental force of nature, fury embodied in
human form. She pulled the sink out of the wall (5) and slammed it
down on Ranma's head hard.
Everything went black.


(1) This is what we in the writing industry call "foreshadowing".
Yes, foreshadowing, your clue to quality literature. Write that
down.

(2) He was in panda form at the time and had written a sign, but
Ranma was too tired from walking halfway across town, dragging an
Amazon with him who just wanted him to stay with her, and generally
being beaten up to bother reading it.

(3) This was not normal behaviour for Ranma. Then again, normal
behaviour for Ranma usually got him beaten up. So, perhaps it was
some inner sense of self-preservation that finally kicked in. If
so, it was doing a pretty pathetic job.

(4) Hentai are free to close their eyes right now and spend a
minute or two imagining this scene in all its lurid details. I'm
not going to do it for you, so you might as well.

(5) Yes, *out* of the wall, copper piping and all.

End of Part One