* * *
Part Two
* * *
Ranma grabbed the last fish cake before Mr. Tendo could get it
himself and grinned before tossing it up in the air, opening his
mouth to catch it. A panda suddenly leaned over and snatched it
out of the air with his mouth, downing it whole.
"HEY!" cried Ranma. "I stole that first!"
Nabiki shook her head. "Honestly, Ranma."
Akane didn't say anything. She was still shaking with silent
rage from last night and refused to talk to him, let alone
acknowledge his presence. For his part, Ranma was actually
handling it pretty well, Nabiki admitted. Maybe he was maturing.
"Come on, pop! Give it back!" yelled Ranma, as he startled
wrestling with his father.
Genma quickly produced a sign: 'I already ate it!'.
"I don't care! That was *my* fish cake! Mine! D'you hear
me!?"
Nabiki sighed. Then again, maybe he was just sinking down to
Akane's level. She glanced at her watch and stood up. "Well, ta-
ta, everyone! I'm off to school. Another day, another ten
thousand yen (1)." She skipped out, leaving the Saotomes rolling
on the floor.
Akane just snorted. Then she looked at the clock. "Whoops.
Nabiki's right. Bye, dad! Bye, Kasumi! Bye, Mr. Saotome!" She
made an effort to say goodbye to everybody--except Ranma. The jerk
didn't even notice her leaving. Typical. She stormed out in a
huff, slamming the door with such force it nearly came off its
hinges.
"Have a nice day, Akane!" called Kasumi, smiling and waving.
Nobody else seemed to notice Akane's departure.
On the floor, Genma was trying to write a sign saying 'you're
late for school,' but Ranma kept trying to put him in a headlock,
spoiling his father's calligraphy (2).
Ranma looked at the sign his father had just used to smash his
face in and squinted, trying to read it. "Your mate's at school?"
he read. "C'mon, pop, I'm not married to Akane yet!"
Genma gave a defeated 'growf' and gave in to the idea of
raising a perpetually delinquent child (3).
(1) 10,000 yen is approximately US $100.00, although it varies by
exchange rates and is currently closer to US $85.00. Nabiki had
never believed in thinking small. "A dollar a day, indeed! Well,
perhaps that's what I'll tell the government," she said in an
interview. "But seriously. Get with the times!"
(2) Which was already abominable. Pandas don't even have
opposable thumbs. How on earth does he write signs in the first
place? The answer is actually quite simple. It's one of the
special manuevers of the ancient and honourable school of Anything-
Goes Written Martial Arts. The school broke off from the main
Anything-Goes style hundreds of years ago over styles of fighting.
Both they and the Anything-Goes Weapons school believed their forms
were superior to the other, but in the end the Written school won
and vanquished their foes. It just goes to show that the pen is
mightier than the sword (4).
(3) Most parents of Ranmaverse characters suffer emotional pain
and suffering. Mr. Saotome has an ungrateful aquatranssexual son,
while Mr. Tendo has one daughter who blackmails him, another who
yells at him, and a third who acts like his dead wife. Mrs.
Saotome hasn't even seen her son in ten years, while Mr. and Mrs.
Kuonji haven't heard from Ukyou in two years and aren't even sure
whether they have a son or a daughter currently. For that matter,
neither is Mr. Saotome. Ryoga's parents may never have seen him
since he learned how to walk. Mr. Kuno is a sociopathic obsessive-
compulsive who plants trees on his head and ran away from his
children to pursue his vacation in Hawaii and Shampoo's father has
had to deal with his only daughter turning into a cat before his
very eyes and leaving to murder shapechanging transsexuals in a
foreign country. All of which paved the way in 1994 for the
creation of a support group called Parents of Takahashi Children.
However, the PTC disbanded when several of the parents could not
get along. Mrs. Saotome kept threatening Mr. Saotome with seppuku,
Mr. Kuno kept trying to cut everybody's hair, and Mr. Invader kept
threatening world domination. It was later found to be yet another
manipulation by Mr. and Mrs. Chigusa in yet another futile attempt
to get their daughter to return home, and the group was disbanded.
(4) Okay, okay, that *was* pretty bad. I admit it. Please don't
flame me.
* * *
Ukyou smiled at Ranma yet again. She shared a few of Ranma's
classes, and made every effort she could to impress him with her
better qualities during those brief moments she shared with him,
and that meant a lot of smiling (1). She'd read in a fashion
magazine that a man only noticed you if you smiled at him. She
seemed to be having some effect, too. She smiled at him again.
After two weeks of being smiled at, Ranma was beginning to get
very nervous around Ukyou. He kept being reminded of the way a cat
looks at a mouse just before dinnertime. Today, however, he had
other things on his mind. Ranma smiled back distractedly, then
went back to his textbook. Ukyou sighed. When would he see her
true love for him? When would he come to his senses and marry her?
Ukyou fell into a daydream almost instantly. The teacher
noticed but didn't say anything--perhaps because he was one of
Ukyou's better customers, or because the pretty brown-haired girl
could easily beat up a man twice her size. Ukyou gave discounts to
a few select customers at Ucchan's, the restaurant she ran after
school. She did what she had to, already struggling with school,
a job, and Ranma. Two out of the three was enough to defeat any
normal person, but Ukyou gamely rose to the challenge.
The bell rang, signalling the end of class and the beginning
of the five minute period given students to hurry to their next
class. Ukyou woke out of her idyllic fantasies and turned to see
the real thing walking towards her. This was mostly because she
was sitting between Ranma and the exit--on purpose--but that didn't
matter to her. She melted as his gaze brushed past her. Maybe
today would be the day he'd tell her he loved her! Ukyou's heart
skipped a beat as she herself skipped over to him. Akane glared as
she approached. Ukyou decided to ignore her rival and glomped onto
Ranma's arm.
"Ranchan," she purred, "why don't we have lunch together
today?"
Ranma looked at her and shrugged. "Okay," he agreed.
Ukyou pouted prettily. "But Ranchan, all your *other*
fiancees have--what?" she asked, suddenly realizing what he'd said.
She looked at him, then glanced at Akane, who was turning an
unhealthy shade of red. Ukyou turned back to Ranma. "Okay?" she
asked, feeling faint.
Ranma nodded. "Okay. Sounds like fun. I haven't talked to
you in a while." He smiled at her. Ukyou felt her knees give way,
and she hung onto his arm for more than companionship. That made
Akane grow even angrier.
Ukyou had a sudden thought and her demeanor turned suspicious.
She looked up at Ranma. "Um, Ranchan," she said, remembering his
denser nature, "I meant having lunch ALONE. You know, like just
the two of us? I want to talk to you *without* Akane."
Ranma looked around. "What's wrong with here?"
Ukyou opened her mouth, then shut it again. "What about
Akane?" she asked.
Ranma blinked. He looked around, then back at Ukyou.
"Er...I'll bite," he said curiously. "What *about* Akane?"
Ukyou pointed to the girl who was regarding them both with The
Stare That Could Kill (2). "Um...she's standing right there."
Ranma looked in the direction she was pointing, again. He
rubbed his eyes, then looked again. He turned back to Ukyou. "I
don't see anything," he told her.
Akane turned scarlet. Ukyou blinked up at Ranma. Akane
crushed a desk with her bare hands. "Fine, you stupid baka hentai
moronic JERK!!" she yelled, expanding her vocabularly somewhat,
before turning and storming out the door, shoving her way past him
as she went.
"Did you feel something?" he asked Ukyou.
She smiled up at him happily. "Not a thing," she said, then
squeezed his arm possessively. "At last, we're alone," she sighed.
The bell rang, much to Ranma's relief. Any time a girl
started giving him a look like that, he'd learned that it was safer
to be as far away as possible. Preferably in another country.
"Whoa, late for class, gotta run," Ranma said, disentangling
himself and fleeing.
Ukyou took out her anger on the hapless school bell. "You
stupid thing!" she shouted. "Why couldn't you have waited one
minute? Just one minute! Is that too much to ask, you lousy piece
of junk?" The bell quickly turned into rubble under the force of
her giant spatula.
Ukyou looked around. Everybody was staring in shock. She
smiled nervously at them. "Uh, heh heh...I hate being late," she
explained and slipped around the corner. Then she ran. She sighed
in disappointment. Ranma had gotten away from her, *again*! Then
she brightened. But she had a lunch date with Ranchan! She
skipped all the way to her next class.
(1) Which *don't* include anything hentai among their number.
This is Ukyou!! Well, to be fair, this is the before-desperation-
sinks-in-Ukyou of the later seasons. This version of Ukyou is
cheerful, nice and sweet. Now go wash your brain out with soap.
(2) Be afraid. Be very afraid.
* * *
Ranma was getting a bit nervous. It was noon, and he hadn't
been hit by Akane once. It was highly unusual. He tried to think
what he'd done right. Complimented her? No, he didn't think so.
Smiled at her? Not that he could remember. Weird.
So what *had* he done different? Ranma racked his brain,
trying to think. He had chosen to eat outside, since it was sunny
and warm out. Ordinarily, it would have helped him think, but the
birds were just being annoying today--or maybe it was him that was
irritated. He gave up; he couldn't figure out what he'd done
differently today. He'd just have to ask Akane when he saw her.
Hey! That was it! Ranma sat up straight. He hadn't seen her
at all today (1)! Well, now that he had that down pat, he dug into
his lunch with satisfaction. You know, this actually *was* nice
and peaceful, he'd have to do this more oft--
"Ranchan!" came a voice, followed by a hug from behind, nearly
causing Ranma to choke on his food. He could feel breasts pushed
up against his back. Then the girl--or very convincing
transvestite--threw a hand over his eyes. "Guess who?" came a
sweet voice.
Ranma *could* have thought about it before answering. After
all, thinking about something before speaking was a good thing and
would have saved him much trouble in the past. By now, he should
have learned, right (2)?
"Uh, Akane?" he guessed.
"WHAT?!?" exclaimed the voice. Then he felt pain. It wasn't
the sort of pain you might feel after shattering a young girl's
hopes and dreams, although that might have been appropriate had
Ranma not been the subject of it. No, this was a more subtle pain
(3). It was the kind of pain that came from being struck over the
head repeatedly with a mega-spatula.
"How *could* you?" cried Ukyou as she smashed him into the
green earth several hundred times in quick succession. "You forgot
our date??" Ranma said nothing in reply, being too busy getting
his head smashed into the ground. "Waahhhhhh!!" cried Ukyou,
running away in tears.
Ranma pulled his head out of the ground where it was half-
imbedded and sat up. He looked around and saw his childhood friend
running, tears falling onto the ground behind her. He felt a pang
of guilt. "Wait, Ucchan!" he cried to her, standing up and hoping
he could catch up to the quickly fleeing okinomiyaki-girl.
Almost instantly, she was standing about three inches in front
of him, smiling broadly. Ranma blinked in surprise, only barely
restraining himself from jumping three feet in the air. How the
heck had she done that?
"Oh, Ranchan," sighed Ukyou, with stars in her eyes. "You
really want me to stay?"
Ranma gulped nervously. "Well," he said with his usual charm,
"I, er, that is...you...I...uhh..."
Ukyou squealed in joy and threw her arms around his neck in a
hug. "Oh, I'm so *happy*, Ranchan!"
Ranma futilely tried to remove her arms from blocking his air
circulation. He started to see stars, and they weren't the ones in
Ukyou's eyes. They seemed more like the type that hovered around
you when your oxygen supply was cut off. He managed to gasp a
feeble "Gack...stars..."
Ukyou looked at him. "Umm," she said hesitantly. "I don't
understand." Then she brightened. "I know! You're trying to say
that my father must have been a thief, because he stole the stars
from the sky and put them in my eyes? What a sweet thing to say to
a girl (4) (5)!" She hugged him closer, which did nothing for
Ranma (6).
His vision started going hazy. A tiny part of his mind
wondered how she had gotten all that from two little words. The
rest of him was wondering if there were uncute tomboys in Heaven.
Ukyou must have noted his distress, for she paused and looked at
him.
"Ranma?" she asked. "Why aren't you saying anything?" She
peered a little closer. "Say, you don't look too good, Ranma-
honey," she said. "Has Akane been beating you up again?"
Ranma focused his ki into one final burst of energy. It was
his last chance. "Ukyou..." he gasped. "Air!"
Ukyou blinked. "That's a new one on me, Ranma..." she
hesitantly admitted. Then she realized what he meant. "Oops," she
said, letting go. Ranma fell in a heap, gasping the sweet air of
life.
As Ranma sat trying to regain his breath, Ukyou sat down and
started to unpack a picnic lunch. By the time he was able to look
up, he was surrounded by a veritable feast.
Ukyou beamed at him. "I'm glad we could share lunch together
today, Ranma-honey," she said shyly. "These things mean so much to
me." She hesitated. "Especially since you and Akane are on the
outs, huh?"
Ranma nodded eagerly, not really listening (7). "Wow!" he
exclaimed. "It looks great!" he said, before stuffing his face.
Ukyou beamed at him and ate half an okinomiyaki. Ranma had
seventeen (8).
As he finished, Ranma gave a mighty burp and lay back,
satiated. "That was good," he said to himself. Then he remembered
Ukyou was there. He sat back up. "You know, Ucchan," he began,
"I'm really glad you came by."
Ukyou felt her heart lift. "Really, Ranchan?" she asked.
He nodded. "Uh-huh. Tell me, have you seen Akane? I wanted
to talk to her."
Ukyou felt her heart fall down and shatter into a thousand
pieces. Her eyes became *very* wide and she stared at him. "Wh-
what?" she managed to utter, horrified.
Ranma didn't seem to notice (9). "Uh, well, I haven't seen
her today, and I figured you might know where she was..." he said
awkwardly. Talking about Akane always made him uneasy.
Ukyou didn't answer him. She just stared at him with big,
puppy dog eyes that begged him to say "Oh Ucchan, I was just
kidding! Let's go make sweet okinomiyaki together (10)!" He
didn't. Instead, he looked closer at her.
"Ucchan?" he asked hesitantly. "Is something wrong?"
Ukyou choked back her tears and stood up. "N-no, Ranchan,"
she said. "I'm f-fine. I haven't seen Akane anywhere."
"Oh, okay," responded Ranma. "Thanks anyways." Ukyou burst
into tears and ran away. Ranma stared after her, baffled. Didn't
she want him to be polite?
(1) Most ordinary people would have realized this without spending
two paragraphs in agonizing thought. Ranma isn't exactly an
ordinary person, however. He's a most EXTRAordinary young man.
(2) Wrong.
(3) You know, about as subtle as a Mack truck.
(4) And also, unbelievably, true. Read the description again.
(5) Author's Note: Do *not* try this at home. Or, for that
matter, anywhere where the natives speak english. It's old, it's
cheesy, and it's apt to get you martyred long before it gets you a
date. On the plus side, if you use it and your chosen target
*doesn't* call the police, it's a sure sign that that person loves
you very much. Or that perhaps that person has a hearing problem.
(6) It was certainly doing something for the author, who had to
step away from his computer for a short time when he found himself
foaming at the mouth and changing the plotline so that Ranma was
slowly and painfully killed for this heinous sin. The author has
since pledged to switch to decaf, and is currently leading a quiet
life in the Springbrook Institute for the Mentally Impaired (11).
(7) Ranma's brain was not located in his nether regions, as some
of his rivals and fiancees liked to think, but rather in his
stomach. As a result, he was practically immune to most head
strikes, since it was made entirely of bone. However, as a small
flaw, thoughts took somewhat longer to reach his brain and food was
generally able to short-circuit his thinking processes--such as
they were.
(8) Making this a light snack for him.
(9) Let's be honest here. Ranma didn't notice, period. He had no
chance of noticing. He wouldn't have noticed it if Ukyou had burst
out of a cake naked and sung a show tune while tap dancing around
him. Although he would have eaten the cake.
(10) I mean it exactly the way it's written. Don't bother reading
anything into it whatsoever. Ukyou is far too sweet and innocent
to ever want him to say anything else. By the way, the author has
an Ukyou fetish, is orally fixated, and is a card-carrying member
of alt.sex.fetish.transvestite.okinomiyaki.spatula. Join today!
(11) Not.
* * *
Akane fumed. Ranma was *such* a jerk! For the entire day,
he'd given her the silent treatment. He'd even gone so far as to
refuse to admit she existed right in front of her! And then he had
made a date with Ukyou! When *she* was the one who was victimized
by all of this!! Of all the nerve! Well, two could play at this
game.
She angrily speared another vegetable with her fork. The fork
bent (1). She snarled at it. That was the third one today. She
hadn't brought any more. She looked around to make sure nobody was
looking, then bent it back into shape. Then she sighed. The least
he could do was apologize! And he wouldn't even talk to her!
Yuka and Sayuri sat down next to Akane. "Akane," asked Yuka,
"what's going on with Ranma?" Akane's fork bent again. She looked
up.
"I don't know anybody by that name," she replied icily. Both
girls oohed and aahed at that.
"Does that mean you're breaking up with him, Akane?" asked
Sayuri. Around them, the entire male population of Furinken High,
minus the percentage currently being beaten with a mega-spatula,
leaned in closer.
"I *told* you, I don't know anybody by that name!" she said.
Everybody started whispering. Akane tried to ignore them and
turned back to her lunch.
"Um, does anybody have an extra fork?" she asked.
(1) Akane was not using plastic forks. Nor did she have tin or
aluminum. She was using steel, and she was *ANGRY*. The
Incredible Hulk has nothing on Akane when she gets mad. 'Course,
the Incredible Hulk has nothing on those vegetables, either. Akane
made them herself, and they had the ductile strength of uranium,
and about the same nutritional content.
* * *
After Ukyou left, Ranma was left alone with his thoughts (1).
Something Ukyou had said seemed to be on the tip of his tongue. Or
was it okinomiyaki sauce? He wasn't sure.
Then it hit him (2). She'd asked him if he and Akane were on
the outs! He stood up in excitement. Then he sat back down again.
Now what on Earth did she mean by THAT? He hadn't seen Akane for
a day. How could he have made her angry, this time? Had he
forgotten her birthday? No, that was next month. Well, he hoped
it was, anyways. Her Christmas present? No, wrong season. He was
fairly sure you needed snow on the ground for that to happen. The
anniversary of her mother's death? Nope, that was in November.
Their anniversary? Ranma's mind went blank. He couldn't remember
the date of it. That must be it! He stood up purposefully.
Then he sat down again. Wait a second. They didn't *have* an
anniversary. That was no good. Ranma gave up. For the life of
him, he couldn't figure out anything he'd done--or not done--to get
Akane upset, this time. Of course, that's what he said most of the
time. But most of the time, she came out straight and *told* him,
in exacting detail, what he'd done wrong.
This time, she refused to even speak to him. Could it be...
could it be that this time...Akane was *really* mad?
Ranma decided he needed to talk to someone who understood
girls. He thought of Nabiki. Then he tried to think of someone
who wouldn't charge him for advice. Of course! Ukyou!
Ranma decided to pay Ucchan's a visit on his way home from
school.
(1) It's so tempting to steal from the Simpsons and say that he
was alone with his thought, but I won't. Not even a little.
Really.
(2) Not okinomiyaki sauce, the idea. Hitting someone with
okinomiyaki sauce is not only messy, but a waste of good food.
This message has been brought to you by the Japanese Okinomiyaki
Association.
* * *
"...So you see, class," concluded Mr. Watanabe, Ranma's fifth-
class history teacher, "the Ainu are not a completely ignorant
people. They have a unique and diverse culture, which is in danger
of extinction at the hands of technological expansion..."
Ranma felt his eyelids getting heavier. He began to feel
sleepy. It was just like being hypnotized (1). He was a martial
artist! What did he need to know about the Ainu to fight? This
was so boring. He almost wished for some new, unidentified martial
artist to attack him for no apparent reason (2).
He glanced over at Akane's seat. She wasn't there. It was
the tenth time this class he'd done that. Now that he realized she
wasn't there, class was different. For one thing, he didn't have
to worry about her elbowing him in the ribs if he fell asleep.
But more importantly, class just seemed...empty. Like a
dream. Dreams were reflections of real life, but they didn't quite
fit. In your dreams, you could do anything. Ranma had had a dream
last night about flying. Wouldn't it be nice to fly? Ranma
thought he'd enjoy that. He started flying around the room (3).
Then an eraser hit his head, and he woke up. "Ow," he
complained, rubbing his forehead. "Ranma Saotome!" yelled
Watanabe-sensei. "Out in the hall! No sleeping in my class!"
"Yes, sir," replied Ranma and grumpily walked out. So it had
just been a dream. He glanced over at Akane's desk. Still gone.
He frowned.
"Mr. Saotome!" yelled the teacher. Ranma jumped. Oh, yeah.
He was supposed to go stand in the hall. "Do you have something to
say to Akane Tendo?"
Ranma jumped again. How the heck had he known what Ranma was
thinking? "Uh, NO! I mean, no sir!" He slammed the door behind
him and stood in the hall, shivering a little.
Akane was irritated. First Ranma kept on giving her these
unreadable looks--probably perverted ones--all day long, and now he
had to embarrass her in front of the entire class like that! What
was wrong with him? Her temper got the better of her.
"WELL, FINE THEN!!" she shouted. "SEE IF I CARE!!" The rest
of the class started buzzing like a hive full of bees. They had
noticed Akane and Ranma ignoring each other, and figured the pair
had had a fight over something neither was willing to back down on.
They were just waiting for something to happen, like a dam bursting
(4).
The teacher frowned. "Akane Tendo! Out in the hall! No
yelling in class!"
Akane turned pink, then sighed. "Yes, sir." The class buzzed
even more. They knew what was about to happen. Class had suddenly
gotten *much* more exciting.
(1) Except that when he woke up he didn't have to bark like a dog.
(2) This was not an entirely unusual thing to happen. In fact, it
becomes unusual for it to *not* happen, the further you go in the
series.
(3) Okay, who actually realized Ranma was falling asleep before
reading the next paragraph? Raise your hands.
(4) With Akane, that may or may not be a metaphor.
* * *
Ranma stood in the hallway, carrying the pails of water that
were his punishment. He was not happy. "That stupid Akane," he
said to himself. "Even manages to screw me up when she's not
around."
That was too much for Akane, who was very much real and
nearby, and was at that moment walking out of the door into the
hallway behind him. "RANMA NO BAKA!!" she yelled as she threw both
buckets at him. He didn't even bother dodging. What nerve! Well,
he'd see.
In fact, he did. Two full buckets crashed into him, sending
him into a rather wet unconsciousness (1).
Akane looked down at Ranma. Oops. She hadn't meant to do
that. A part of Akane's mind berated her: Well, if you didn't
mean to do that why did you throw them at him? Akane furiously
defended herself (2). He could have dodged! He could have
apologized! But he had to carry his silly game to extremes! Fine
then! Maybe *this* would make him change his mind!
Something deep inside Akane tugged at her and she sighed. She
couldn't leave Ranma like that, lying in the hallway, covered in
water. And in his girl form, to boot. She sighed, and began to
check him--now her--for bruises.
(1) A wet unconsciousness is, of course, more slippery than a dry
unconsciousness. They are both different from a Freudian
unconsciousness, which is like an iceberg according to my
psychology textbook, and therefore made of water but also solid at
the same time. I love being a psychology major. It lets me play
with peoples' minds.
(2) Speaking of psychology, that's pretty weird, even for Akane.
* * *
Ranma woke up slowly. He groaned. He tried to sit up, but
the room kept spinning.
Akane saw him move, and started to smile. Then she erased it.
He deserved it, the jerk. But she was glad he was okay. "Don't
try to sit up too fast, Ranma," she told him.
Ranma tried to sit up again quickly. The room spun again. He
felt his stomach lurch. He focused on the room. Wait, it wasn't
a room. It was a hallway. A hallway? He went over his recent
memories in his mind. Let's see. Walking out the door. Standing
in the hall. Waking up on the floor of the hall. He frowned, and
sat up. He managed to do it this time with only a small flip-flop
in his stomach as protest.
Akane looked at him angrily. He was *still* ignoring her!
She couldn't believe how stubborn he was being! She gave an angry
growl. "Look, Ranma. I don't like this engagement any better than
you do," she said. "But we have to work things out. We can't keep
on fighting like this. And to start with, I guess I...I can
forgive you walking in on me last night."
She let out her breath angrily. "Sure, it was perverted, but
you've done worse." Unfortunately, it was true. Everything from
sneaking into the girls change room in girl form to swimming in the
girls baths to helping Happosai steal her underwear. But Akane was
getting used to the idea of having a hentai fiance. Well, sort of
getting used to it. She no longer tried to kill him when she found
him engaging in yet worse and even more perverted activities. She
just tried to mangle him a bit, these days. She took a deep breath
and looked at him, waiting for his response. She hadn't realized
she had been holding her breath until that moment.
Ranma paled. Oh, no. He'd fainted again. That could be the
only answer. He knew he'd fainted in the bathroom last night, but
he'd been too ashamed to tell anyone. He had hoped it was some
kind of flu, or something else that would just go away quickly.
But if this kept up, he wouldn't be able to keep it a secret or
anything. Everybody would laugh at him! Akane and all the others,
they'd laugh 'till they choked. Jerks. His face burned with the
thought of it. He quickly stood up, hoping nobody had seen him.
Akane was slowly getting angry. She'd met him halfway, hadn't
she? And he was still playing at that little game of his! What a
complete jerk! She slowly simmered, fuelling up the anger that
would let her smash him into itty-bitty pieces with a single blow.
Ranma stopped. Some instinct in him told him something was
wrong. He looked around. Nothing. He took a step forward.
Something jiggled. He closed his eyes. Oh, no. Not *that*. He
hesitantly felt his chest. His eyes opened. He was female.
Akane held off her attack, a bit puzzled. What was he doing?
"Ranma?" she asked.
Ranma screamed. No! This couldn't be happening! Sure,
fainting was okay. It was a girlish thing to do, but he could
accept it. But this time, when he'd fainted, he'd changed into his
girl form! My god--could it be permanent? His brain didn't even
want to think about that. Where was the nearest hot water?
Students came pouring out of the classrooms. "What was that?"
they asked.
"I heard a scream!" said another.
"Akane, are you hurt?" asked one.
"I hear Saotome's trying to force himself on Akane!" rumoured
another.
Mr. Watanabe yelled, "Hey! No yelling in the halls!"
Everybody, Ranma included, turned and hurriedly yelled back
"Yes, sir!" Yuka turned to Akane.
"Akane, what happened?" she asked. Akane shook her head.
"It wasn't me," she admitted, confused. Yuka furrowed her
brow, then looked at Ranma. So did everybody else. Daisuke spoke
up.
"What's wrong, Ranma?" he asked.
"I'm a girl!" cried Ranma. Everybody stared for a half
second.
"Oh, is that all?" asked one. They all left, disappointed.
All but one. Akane was even more confused. Ranma was a girl. So
what? He became a girl when he got hit by cold water. It wasn't
like it was something *new* or anything.
Akane felt weak. New? Could it be? She looked at Ranma.
"Ranma?" she asked him. "Do you remember who I am?" He just
stared blankly. That was it! He'd lost his memory! Suddenly, all
the pieces fit. Why he'd been ignoring her, but glancing at her
covertly! Why he was so terrified by his girl form! She had hit
him hard on the head last night--she must have done more damage
than she thought. She gasped. She hoped the damage wasn't
permanent. There was only one thing to do. "Of course!" she said
enthusiastically. "Why didn't I think of it before? Dr. Tofu!"
Dr. Tofu could fix *anything* (1).
Ranma was going through places in his mind. Hm. Nurse's
office? No, they were closed for repairs. Ucchan's? Her
restaurant wouldn't be open until after school. But he couldn't go
back to class looking like this! And he had to know if he was
stuck like this. It could be some sort of disease or something!
Then it hit him. Dr. Tofu's clinic--of course! He always kept hot
water, and he could even ask the doctor about these stupid fainting
spells!
Ranma slammed his fist into his hand. "Dr. Tofu!" he said.
"Why didn't I think of that before?"
Akane blinked. "Hey, isn't that what *I* just said..." she
said, before realizing she was talking to thin air. Ranma had
started running off.
"Hey!" she shouted after him. "Baka! Wait for me! Do you
even remember how to get there?"
(1) Except for small household appliances. Dammit Jim, he's a
doctor, not a mechanic.
* * *
The door to Dr. Tofu's clinic burst open. Dr. Tofu was a busy
man, but he was always ready for emergencies. Especially in this
neighbourhood (1). Hence, he wasn't too surprised when Ranma came
running in.
"Doc!" cried Ranma. "You gotta help me!" As it happened, Dr.
Tofu had just dealt with the last of his scheduled patients, and
didn't have any more for today (2).
He smiled at Ranma. "Certainly, Ranma. Where does it hurt?"
Ranma looked pained. "Um, it's not that kind of problem," he
admitted. "Uh, it could take a while. Say, do you have any hot
water I could use?"
Dr. Tofu smiled and put the kettle on. He sat down in a
comfortable chair, and motioned for Ranma to do the same. "Okay,
Ranma, why don't you tell me all about it?" he asked patiently.
Akane burst in, huffing and puffing. "...Said...wait...
baka...Oh! Dr. Tofu!" She blushed. "I see Ranma made it here
okay."
Dr. Tofu smiled at her. "Ah, come on in, Akane. Are you with
Ranma?"
Ranma stared at the doctor for a second. Who did he think he
was talking to? "Ah, Dr. Tofu," he said, "that's Betty."
Dr. Tofu looked at him, startled. "What?"
Ranma groaned. "Oh, boy. How long has it been since Kasumi
left?"
Dr. Tofu looked at him oddly. "Ranma, what are you talking
about? You're not making any sense."
Akane burst out crying. "Oh no!" she said. "I knew he'd lost
his memory, but--brain damage?" she finished in a whisper.
Dr. Tofu looked back and forth between both young patients.
He raised his hands. "Okay, now calm down, both of you," he said.
He turned to Akane. "Akane, what's this all about?"
Ranma sighed. Maybe the effects of the Kasumi syndrome (3)
would wear off if he let the doctor rave for a few minutes.
"It's all my fault, Dr. Tofu," Akane admitted, crying softly.
"I hit him on the head too hard, and now he doesn't remember me, or
his curse, or I don't *know* what else! And now he could be brain
damaged, too!" She took Ranma's hand. He didn't resist. Or, for
that matter, notice.
"I'm so sorry, Ranma!" she sobbed. "Can you ever forgive me?"
He didn't answer, just sat there, crossly. Almost...waiting. She
didn't even feel the urge to hit him, this time.
Dr. Tofu cocked his head to one side. "There, there, Akane,"
he said, patting her on the back. "I'm sure it's not that bad.
Now, I'll just examine him." He turned to Ranma and started
feeling his head for bumps.
Ranma grew very nervous. The last time he'd been near Dr.
Tofu when Kasumi walked in, he'd had his head twisted sideways. Of
course, Kasumi wasn't as close this time--well, he *hoped* she
wasn't as close this time--but he was still wary. He was immensely
relieved when Dr. Tofu stopped and he could still turn his head
normally.
"Hmm. Well, there's multiple injuries there, but nothing that
would cause brain damage," he concluded.
Ranma sat up straight. "BRAIN DAMAGE!?" he shrieked.
Dr. Tofu smiled. "Oh, don't worry, Ranma. I'm sure it's
nothing."
Ranma gripped the edges of his chair. "Waitasec, doc, I'm not
brain damaged," he tried.
Dr. Tofu turned to him. "Really, Ranma?" Dr. Tofu asked.
"Can you tell me how many fingers I'm holding up?"
"Three," said Ranma, again bored. "Look, can we please get to
my problem? And the hot water?"
"What colour shirt am I wearing, Ranma?" asked Dr. Tofu.
"White," said Ranma impatiently. "Now what about that water?"
"What's six plus nine equal?" asked Dr. Tofu.
Ranma frowned. "Um...fifteen?" he guessed.
"You're normal," said Dr. Tofu.
"I *told* you I was," said Ranma. "Can we talk about my
problems now?"
Dr. Tofu nodded. "Perhaps that would be a good idea, Ranma.
Tell me, what do you think of Akane?"
Ranma was taken aback. "Wha-what?" he stammered. "Why?" he
asked, surprised.
"Well, Ranma," Dr. Tofu explained. "You asked to talk about
your problems. So it was either Akane or your curse, unless
there's something else I don't know about."
Ranma looked at him with awe. How could he have guessed
Ranma's fears about his girl half? Maybe he *was* a really great
doctor, after all. He decided to go with him on this, for now.
"Well...I dunno," he started. "She can be really nice
sometimes," he admitted hesitantly.
Akane's eyes widened. What? Was he talking about her? Did
he actually say she was nice? Her heart started beating ever-so-
slightly faster. She leaned forward. "Ranma..."
"But most of the time she's just a kawaiikune tomboy," he
finished.
"DIE, RANMA!" screamed Akane as she buried Ranma under the
clinic's beds.
(1) Which explains his vast collection of specialized and rare
medical books which have nothing to do with his practise of
Shiatsu, and which otherwise would have no purpose in life except
to be lent out to Kasumi.
(2) In medical terms, this is known as "Moving the plot along."
(3) The Kasumi Syndrome, sometimes called Kasumi-itis, is a very
rare virus which can be debilitating or even incapacitating. It
makes the victim confused and restless, often with symptoms of
hallucination, an increased tendency towards excitable and positive
moods, and other side effects most commonly associated with certain
brands of drugs labelled as 'uppers'. Scientists are already
working to use this uncommon disease to figure out how such drugs
affect the immune system. They are still baffled at the cause of
this virus, since it seems to almost randomly turn its effects on
and off. Luckily, Kasumi-itis is easily preventable and only seems
to affect a small percentage of the population, usually young
doctors with shiatsu clinics located in the Nerima district.
* * *
Ranma woke with a groan. The room was spinning. Hadn't this
happened to him already today? He ran through recent events in his
mind before realizing where he was. He sat up straight and
immediately regretted it. "Dr. Tofu!" he gasped.
Dr. Tofu was sitting next to him. "Yes, Ranma?" he asked.
Ranma was relieved. He seemed to be normal, now. Kasumi-itis had
a limited duration, after all.
"See, this is what I wanted to talk to you about," said Ranma.
Dr. Tofu frowned. "I'm not sure what you mean," admitted Dr.
Tofu. He glanced at Akane to see if she knew. She shrugged,
curious.
"Uh..." Ranma blushed. "It's sort of embarrassing," he
confided.
"Well..." Dr. Tofu closed the doors. "You know about a
doctor's vows, Ranma. The Hippocratic Oath. Anything you say to
me is confidential. But do you have a problem with anybody else
hearing?" Ranma looked around for his father.
"Mr. Saotome has the day off," Dr. Tofu said, apparently
reading his thoughts.
Ranma relaxed. "Just so long as it doesn't leave the room,
I'm fine," he said.
Akane gasped. Did he trust her that much? Perhaps she
shouldn't have been so hasty...he'd never shown this side of
himself to her before.
"See, doc," started Ranma. "Ummm, I seem to be, um, that is,"
he blushed. "ifntd."
Dr. Tofu cleaned his glasses absently. "What was that,
Ranma?" he asked. "I couldn't make it out."
Ranma cleared his throat, turning a deeper red. "I, um, I fa-
fainted." He blushed even more. Akane was shocked. Ranma,
fainting?
Dr. Tofu nodded. "Fainting is a natural response by the body
to a number of things," he explained. "It's a common occurrence,
and nothing to be ashamed of. Now, can you tell me where or when
this event took place?"
Ranma blushed even more. "Uh...actually, I've fainted three
times, doctor Tofu," he admitted.
Dr. Tofu's eyebrows raised. So did Akane's. "Really?" he
asked. "Then it could be serious. When did this start?"
"Last night, when I was in the bath," Ranma said. "Then this
afternoon, in the hallway. And then, just now," he said. Akane
was startled. What? Dr. Tofu digested this silently.
"Well, I think it would be safe to call what happened just now
a concussion, not fainting," he said. Ranma looked at him,
relieved. "Were the others...ah...under similar circumstances?"
the doctor asked.
"Uh...I dunno...I guess," said Ranma. "It felt like I'd been
hit on the head or something."
Something clicked inside Akane's head. All of those times
were when she'd been there. And she'd knocked him unconscious.
While he thought he'd fainted. But what was the meaning behind it?
Dr. Tofu smiled. "Well, now, Ranma. I don't think you have
to worry about it at all," he said.
Ranma broke into a smile. "Really, doctor?" he asked.
Dr. Tofu nodded. "Yes, Ranma. All you need to do is be nicer
to Akane."
Ranma looked at Dr. Tofu strangely. "Huh?" he asked,
intelligently. "What does being nice to a kawaiikune tomboy have
to do with--urk!"
Akane put down the bed she had hit Ranma with. "Sorry,
doctor," she apologized. Ranma didn't say anything. He was
unconscious again.
"Akane," began Dr. Tofu, "since I came here several years ago
to begin practising, I've had a number of unusual cases that can't
be explained with modern science. Sort of like being in an episode
of the X-Files. I think perhaps this is one of those times."
Akane looked at him dubiously.
Dr. Tofu glanced down at the unconscious Ranma. "As far as I
can tell, Ranma isn't even aware of your presence, up to and
including the unconscious level. So you might want to be a bit
more considerate to him." He smiled. "Think of yourself as an
invisible guardian angel." He tapped a finger thoughtfully.
"Well, either that, or the monster from Predator. But I think the
angel metaphor is better suited to the situation. Wouldn't want to
give you any bad ideas."
Akane frowned. Monster? Angel? "But--"
"Akane, I know it sounds impossible. But as Sherlock Holmes
once said, 'once you remove all other logical possibilities,
whatever remains must be the truth.'"
Akane decided not to tell him that Sherlock Holmes was a
fictional character. She bit her lip. "I...guess so," she said
slowly. "How long will this keep up, Doctor?"
Dr. Tofu looked at her. "I don't know, Akane. It doesn't
seem to be natural, and I've never heard of it occurring. I
suppose it could be psychological, but I think Ranma's stronger
than that." Akane nodded. Of course Ranma was strong. He was a
martial artist, after all. He could split bricks with his bare
hands. But what did this have to do with fainting?
Dr. Tofu continued in a soft voice. "Akane, when I told you
to think of yourself as his guardian angel, I wasn't kidding." He
quickly went on before Akane could open her mouth. "Ranma could be
like this forever. I don't know how long it will last. More
importantly, I don't know if it has other side-effects. Playing
with forces beyond our comprehension is always a tricky thing to
do, Akane. And it can often result in tragedies we never
intended."
"But--"
"Akane, Ranma's going to need some looking after for a while.
Now, as his doctor, I'm only able to tell his next of kin, and
anyone else he lets me. That means you, Akane, since he consented
to let you listen--even if that wasn't with his full understanding
of the situation. I'm bending the rules a little, because I'm not
sure that Ranma would understand if I told him. I'll try to make
him understand, but it's going to be up to him--and you--to help
him recover. Do you understand?"
"Yes, doctor," replied Akane, chastened.
"Will you do it, Akane?"
"Yes, doctor," said Akane, looking sadly at the figure still
sprawled on the floor.
* * *
Ranma woke once more. This time, he had learned from his
prior mistakes--surprisingly, as it usually took him an even dozen
tries to get it right--and sat up slowly. He opened his eyes. Dr.
Tofu was sitting by the bedside, as usual for when he woke up in
the clinic. This time, however, there was a steaming kettle next
to him. "I thought you'd like this," he said, holding it out to
Ranma.
Ranma grabbed it and liberally poured it over himself,
grinning as he felt the transformation take place. "Great!" he
shouted. "I'm not a girl any more!"
Dr. Tofu leaned in closer. "Ranma, while you were out cold I
did some tests. There's nothing wrong with you that I can find.
No viruses, no brain damage--in fact, you're in tip-top shape." He
hesitated. "Well, except for the lacerations, bruises and bumps
all over your body. But that's normal, for you." He shook his
head. "No, whatever's going on is entirely in your imagination."
Ranma looked up. "Huh? Oh, like I'm overreacting or
something, right?" He grinned. "Well, no sweat. All I gotta do
is be nice to Akane and I won't faint?"
Dr. Tofu looked pained, but he nodded anyways. "In essence,
but--"
Ranma grinned. "Well, then, I'll be the nicest guy in the
universe, even to that kawaiikune--WHAM"
Dr. Tofu looked at Ranma and sighed. Some things never
changed. He examined Ranma and found him still conscious, if a bit
bruised. Apparently, Akane had been practising restraint. Dr.
Tofu sighed again. "Ranma, does this tell you anything?" he asked.
Ranma looked up, still holding his head. "Oww..." he
complained. "Yeah. It tells me I gotta start carrying around some
aspirin."
Dr. Tofu shook his head. "Not quite, Ranma."
Ranma looked up. "What do you mean?"
Dr. Tofu smiled and went into lecture mode. "Ranma," he
began, "as far as I can tell, you seem to be suffering from
something that doesn't fit into normal scientific terminology."
"Huh? Oh, you mean it's magic or something?"
"That's certainly one way of looking at it," Dr. Tofu agreed.
"But it could be just about anything. I can't tell exactly what it
is, or what it does, without a full battery of tests."
Ranma looked sceptical. "Tests? I just had one already
today."
Dr. Tofu laughed. "Not that kind, Ranma. You'll find these
to be, well, much easier. No studying involved. In fact, you'll
hardly have to do a thing at all. We should perform them as soon
as possible...except that I don't have the proper equipment on
hand. Could you come back, let's see...it's Friday today...I could
have it ready by, say, Sunday morning...?"
Ranma nodded in relief. "So, I should come back on Sunday?"
If the tests weren't today he didn't have to worry about them.
Dr. Tofu nodded. "Yes, please. Now, Ranma, there are a few
things I have to tell you--" He stopped. Ranma was gone. Dr.
Tofu looked out the window and said a silent prayer for the spirits
to watch out for a particularly rash young man named Ranma...and
for the temper of the girl who had to look out for him.
End of Part Two
