* * *


Part Four


* * *

Ranma ran to school with a feeling of unease. Said feeling of
unease panted heavily as she considered the merits of jogging every
morning, and the length of time it had been since she stopped that
practice. Akane silently cursed Ranma's seemingly tireless
physique, not for the first time that morning. Of course, she
consoled herself, he had had a head start. That was it.
Ranma slowed, then stopped. It just didn't feel the same to
him. Every morning, without fail, he and Akane ran to school--
fighting, bickering, nearly killing each other, usually ending up
with a melee the size of World War Three. And today, that was
missing.
Some observers might have expected Ranma to be skipping
happily along the way to school (1) or dancing into class with joy,
but that wasn't the case, today. Instead, he kept looking over his
shoulder uneasily. It wasn't that he *missed* her. Oh, no. Ranma
was *glad* to have a respite from all that. But he kept expecting
to find her there, berating him for something or the other she
thought he'd done wrong.
Only, whenever he looked back, all he saw was empty space.
Somehow, that was vaguely disturbing to him. As if one of the
familiar icons in his life had simply disappeared.
Ranma couldn't figure it out. He couldn't count the number of
times he'd wished Akane would just leave him alone--and now that
she had, he was wishing she'd walk around the corner. His feelings
were in turmoil, and he couldn't understand them. Luckily, Ranma
had a tried and true method for dealing with things he didn't
understand.
"THAT STUPID AKANE!" he shouted, at the top of his lungs.
That Stupid Akane turned pink and turned to smash him into a
bloody pulp. Ranma was no longer there. Akane blinked in
surprise. That meant that either he had learned to avoid her,
or...
"Shampoo!" spluttered Ranma from the ground where he now lay,
spread-eagled. "Wh-what do you think you're doing?"
Shampoo purred as she snuggled close to her beloved husband.
"What *you* think Shampoo doing?" she asked, not really demanding
an answer. She snuggled even closer. Of course, she was already
quite close, having jumped onto him from her bike and saving him
from Akane's wrath, which tended to put their two bodies relatively
close together as it was--but that didn't stop the curvaceous
Amazon from getting even nearer. She had had quite a lot of
practice at that sort of thing.
Ranma turned red. "Uh...ah..." he said, hoping to get out of
both question and embrace. "Is this multiple choice?"
Akane snapped out of her shock and grabbed Shampoo's hair,
tugging it painfully up and forcing the brazen Amazon to her feet.
Shampoo turned angrily and sent a punch in Akane's direction that
would have bent a steel bar. Akane only barely managed to dodge
it, ducking underneath with a quick gasp of effort.
"Uh...not that I'm complaining or nothing..." said Ranma,
slowly getting up from the ground, "...but...um, what, exactly, are
you doing?"
"I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOU, YOU DOPE!" yelled Akane, jumping over
a second punch. "THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS *HELP* ME!"
"Shampoo just practice fight-fight," said Shampoo
nonchalantly. "Ranma want try? Shampoo point out invisible enemy,
and Ranma hit. Is good training!"
Akane nearly slapped herself in the head, except that she knew
that would be doing Shampoo's work for her. She had forgotten all
about Ranma's curse! Make that Ranma's *latest* curse. She backed
up, angry with herself for not having remembered.
"Umm..." hedged Ranma, "maybe some other time. Look, Shampoo,
I gotta go to school..."
Shampoo turned to him. "Okay, Ranma. Shampoo no hold you."
Ranma blinked. "You won't? I mean, you're not? I mean, uh,
what *do* I mean?" He shook his head, trying to clear it. This
had the effect of making things about as clear as pea soup. "What
are you talking about, Shampoo?"
Shampoo smiled sweetly at him. Akane gagged soundlessly in
the background. "Shampoo understand husband need own time for
manly things. She know Ranma love Shampoo, come to her in own
time. Shampoo wait for him."
Ranma facefaulted. "Uh..." he said, standing back up again,
"that's...quite a change for you, isn't it?" He grabbed her hands,
turning them over to find the hidden magic charm he knew would be
there. He didn't find anything. He turned them over again,
puzzled. Then he started checking her pockets for hidden drugs,
charms, or other traps of assorted natures.
"What the *heck* do you think you're doing, you hentai?!?"
demanded Akane. "The minute you think I'm gone!! The very
minute!"
Shampoo looked at her, irritated that her adversary was still
there. "Akane go away now," she said. "Ranma and Shampoo want be
*alone* for a while." She turned to Ranma and licked her lips.
"LONG while."
Akane snarled at her, then took a step forward. Shampoo
blanched. Ranma was inadvertenely holding her in a way that made
it difficult to fight Akane. At the same time, Shampoo didn't want
to end this voluntary closeness that she might not get again for a
few weeks (2).
Ranma looked up at Shampoo. "Akane? Did you say 'Akane'?"
He seemed to be searching her face--for what, Akane wasn't sure.
Reassurance? Relief? Or...something else?
Shampoo smiled. She had just been given a way to deal with
one of her most hated enemies. "What you think of Akane, Ranma?"
she asked, in a sweet and innocent tone. "Tell truth. You love
Akane?"
Ranma's eyes widened in shock (3). "That tomboy? Are you
nuts, Shampoo?!?" Akane stopped advancing on Shampoo and turned
her gaze to Ranma. Had he been aware of her stony stare, he would
have become quite pale, all of a sudden. As it was, the Tokyo
Stock Exchange suddenly dropped 73 points as a sudden feeling of
impending doom fell over the floor.
Shampoo smiled demurely, quite a feat for the Amazon girl.
"But what you *really* think of her? Shampoo think Ranma in love
with Akane."
Ranma let go of Shampoo. "How could I fall in love with such
a kawaiikune tomboy? She's built like a brick! She poisons me
when she tries to cook! She's like a demon! A monster!"
Shampoo's eyes glittered evilly. "Really?"
Ranma nodded, not seeing Akane turn purple. "A monster! She
gets jealous of me and beats me up all the time! There's no *way*
I could ever love such a stupid, sexless girl!"
Shampoo pressed closer. "But you live with her!"
Ranma put his hands out in defence. "Only 'cause I gotta!
Pop makes me! Man, if I had the choice, I'd be outta there in a
second!"
Akane raised her fist into the air.
"C'mon, Shampoo," tried Ranma. "You're talking crazy. Akane
is nothing to me. Why are you asking all this stuff?"
Akane paused. Her fist wavered in the air.
Shampoo feigned surprise. "Ranma no lie to Shampoo? Ranma
really *hate* Akane?"
Ranma hesitated, confused by the two questions. "Um, yeah, I
guess so," he admitted after a second's hesitation.
Akane's hand came down...and fell to her side, limply. She
turned away. "Fine," she said. "See if I care. I don't care at
all! Not one bit!" She choked. "You baka," she said in a small
voice. She started walking away. "You win, Shampoo." Under her
breath she added two words: "for now."
Shampoo grinned like a hawk that had just eaten dinner. Ranma
hesitated again. "I mean, I'm not lying to you. I don't *hate*
Akane...not HATE..." He paused again. "I mean, she can be
stubborn at times, but..."
Shampoo waved his words away, still watching the retreating
figure of Akane, too far away to hear Ranma's confused reply. "No
worry about that, Ranma," she said. "No worry about Akane ever
again."
Ranma looked at her sharply. "Huh? What? Why?"
Shampoo blinked. "Because Ranma is Shampoo's husband," she
explained simply, as if to a child.
Ranma gruffly pushed her away. "I got to go to school,
Shampoo."
Shampoo smiled, letting him go. He'd be back.

(1) As everybody *else* in this fanfic seems to be doing.

(2) Until the *next* time she carried out a scheme involving
magical and highly illegal drugs to win Ranma's temporary
affections, or at least muscular control.

(3) Possibly because it was the first time any major character in
the series had mentioned "Akane" and "love" to him in the same
sentence (Genma and Soun don't count).

* * *

Ukyou walked over to Ranma. She sat down next to him where he
was eating his lunch in a zombie-like trance. "Ranchan, what's the
matter?" she asked him. "You haven't said one word to me today."
Ranma perked up and looked over at her. Then his face fell.
"Oh, it's you," he sighed.
Ukyou stopped. "'Oh, it's you'?" She grabbed him by the
shirt. "What the heck is *that* supposed to mean!?"
Ranma waved his hands in defence. "Ahhh! Ucchan, I didn't
mean nothing by it! I was just talking, you know, talking?"
Ukyou glared at him skeptically. "Uh-huh," she said. "Sure."
She let go anyway. "So who died?"
Ranma stared at her. "What are you talking about?"
Ukyou snorted. "Don't play innocent with me, Ranchan. I've
known you since we were six, after all. I can *read* you. And
ever since this morning, you've been moping around. You weren't
paying attention in class..." She started ticking off points on
her fingers as she spoke.
"I always do that," Ranma told her.
"...You didn't fall asleep once...!"
"I got plenty of sleep," said Ranma defensively. "So what?"
"...You looked like Hell in gym...you missed the ball six
times..."
"I had a bad day! So what? Everybody does, once in a while!"
"...You didn't even blink when Happosai ran past you..."
"What are you talking about? I didn't see nothin'!"
Ukyou stopped midsentence and stared at him. "Ranma, how
stupid do you think I am? He ran over you!"
Ranma blushed. "I didn't see him!" Mentally he made a note:
So *that's* what that was.
Ukyou shook her head. "Maybe I should rephrase that. How
dumb do you think *I* think you are?" Ranma opened his mouth.
Ukyou rolled her eyes. "I didn't really want an answer," she said.
"Look, Ranma...play dumb with me if you want to, but I think I
deserve to know what's going on." Her voice softened. "As a
friend." She sighed. "C'mon, Ranchan. You can level with me.
What's bothering you?"
Ranma shook his head. "You're imagining things, Ucchan. What
would I have to be depressed about? Besides, I really didn't see
the old freak!"
Ukyou snorted. "Well then, what about when half the girls in
Furinken ran over you while chasing him? If Akane and I hadn't
taken you to the nurse's office, you would've been out of it for
hours. As it was, you got to next class on time. And did you so
much as say thank you?" She shook her head, trying to let her
pent-up anger dissipate. She sighed, and continued ticking off
things on her fingers. "...You agreed to let Kuno go out with the
pig-tailed girl..."
Ranma snapped his head up. Ukyou smiled. She'd figured
*that* one would do it. Ranma grabbed her. "You've seen Akane!?"
he asked her excitedly.
Ukyou facefaulted (1). "...But...Kuno..."
Ranma blinked. "What about him? He been bothering you now,
or something? You want me to beat him up for you?"
Ukyou waved a hand in front of Ranma's face. "Earth to
Ranma...hello, Ranma...?"
Ranma irritably pushed her hand away. "I'm right here," he
said. "Ummm, look," he said, wittily changing the subject, "where
*is* Akane, anyway?"
Ukyou swallowed the first three things to say that came to
mind. She sighed again. "Is Akane what all this is about?"
"What all *what* is about?" demanded Ranma.
Ukyou sighed. "I...see." She looked sadly at the ground.
"Oh, Ranma..." Ranma began eating again. Ukyou considered
throttling him. "HEY! I'm trying to create pathos here! The
least you could do is pay attention!"
Ranma looked back up. "Um, sure," he agreed nervously,
wondering what pathos was and why Ukyou wanted to make any, when
everybody knew she was better at making okinomiyaki (2).
Ukyou composed herself and started to wilt again. "...I guess
I see where things are headed," she sighed. "...But...whatever
happens...I want you to be happy, Ranchan. If...if that's what it
takes..." she choked on her words, "I'll let you go."
Ranma stood up, wiping his face with a napkin. "Okay, thanks.
See you around, okay?"
Ukyou suddenly had a sharpened spatula at his neck and a wild,
frenzied look in her eyes. "WHAT?!? How *dare* you?!? I didn't
*mean* it, you jerk!!!"
Ranma smiled nervously at her. "Oh...well...ummm..."
Ukyou's eyes glittered murderously. "You...you were going to
leave me...!" she said incredulously.
Ranma gulped. "Well...I have a class..."
"For Akane! Shampoo, I could understand. Amazon magic might
be able to stem the course of true love for a while. But that
tomboy?!?"
Ranma blinked. "Ukyou, what are you talking about?"
Ukyou looked at him incredulously for a moment. "You don't
mean..." she stared at him. "Nobody could be that..." She
groaned. "Ranchan, you can be *so* thick-headed sometimes." She
lowered her spatula from his neck, much to Ranma's relief.
"Whew," he said with no little amount of relief. "Do you
really gotta keep those things so sharp? What kinda food is that
tough?"
"Trust me, you don't want to know," said Ukyou darkly.
"Legends say the first okinomiyaki chef died in mortal combat with-
-oh, that's not important," she deftly changed the subject. "Why
don't we start from the beginning again?" She turned a dazzling
smile on Ranma.
Ranma blinked, blinded by the sudden glare. "I got class..."
he hedged.
Ukyou pointed at the clock and did a bit of hedge-trimming.
"You've got class in ten minutes, Ranchan! Now what's been
bothering you? Can I help you? Please? That's what a fiancee is
for, you know..."
Ranma smiled at her. "Gee...thanks," he said. "Maybe you
*can* help. Have you seen Akane?"
Through an enourmous effort of will, Ukyou resisted the urge
to turn him into hamburger. "We've already done this scene," she
told him patiently.
"Is that a no?" he asked.
Ukyou sighed heavily. "If it means getting to the heart of
what's bothering you, Ranma..." she pointed behind him. "She's
standing about, oh, three feet behind you."
Ranma jumped in surprise and then spun in place using his
hands to lift his body. And kept spinning, back to facing Ukyou.
Both girls gaped at the singularly odd motions of the young man in
front of them.
He stood up. "Try me again," he told Ukyou darkly.
"What?" asked Ukyou, taken aback. She stood up to match him.
"What on Earth are you talking about?"
"I said, try me again," he told her again. "I don't like
games, Ucchan (3). Tell me the TRUTH!"
Ukyou looked at him, then up at Akane, a bewildered expression
on her face. "She's...she's right there, Ranma..."
Ranma didn't even bother looking back this time. His face
hardened. "No dice, UCCHAN." Ukyou winced at the emphasis on his
words. "I thought you were my friend, but you're against me too.
You all are!"
Akane blinked. Well, *that* was certainly new to her.
Ukyou's eyes widened. And widened even further as he failed
to back down and start laughing at what could only be a tremendous
practical joke. "Wh-what?" she asked him weakly, trying to get a
handle on what was going on. "Ranchan...of course I'm your f-
friend...I'm *more* than--"
Ranma cut her off with a sneer. "A *friend* wouldn't lie to
me, Ukyou. I thought you were different."
Ukyou turned red. "How *dare* you say that to me, you jerk?
I've done nothing but *been* a friend to you since I got here--"
"Oh yeah? Like trying to kill me is being my friend?" he
demanded.
Ukyou's head snapped back in anger. "That was only once!" she
retorted. "Before I really knew you! Before I knew you were sweet
and nice--or at least, you WERE--"
Ranma's face was flushed an ugly colour. "*I* ain't the one
who's lying!"
"I...AM...NOT...LYING!!" she shouted. "If you think this is
*fun* to play with my feelings this way, you've got another think
coming, mister!"
Ranma growled at her. "Oh yeah? *I* don't play games!
Unlike *some* people I could mention!"
Akane smiled nervously and stepped in between them. "Ummm,"
she said shyly. "I think this has gone far enough..."
"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!!" yelled Ukyou.
"FINE!" yelled Ranma. "If that's the way you want it, just
see if I don't!" He spun on his heel and walked away.
"That doesn't make any sense," commented Akane.
"AAAAGGHH!" yelled Ukyou. "I hate you! I hate you, you
bastard!" She collapsed, weeping tears of bitterness, on the
ground. Akane glanced down at her, an expression of mixed pity and
anger on her face that quickly transformed into pained irritation.
She turned and ran after Ranma.


(1) This was extremely difficult to do, as Ukyou was being grabbed
by Ranma at the same time. Ukyou, the tough contender she is,
managed to pull it off in her usual flawless form, bringing in a
9.5, 9.0, 9.5, and from the American judge, 3.2. But who needs
Americans, anyway?

(2) The answer was, of course, that pathos is not a foodstuff. It
is, as any high school graduate can tell you, an NHL hockey team.
Why, or more properly how, Ukyou planned on making a hockey team is
unknown, but considering the most recent additions have been a team
named after puissant canards (the Mighty Ducks) and one named after
a group of uniformly old white men with college educations (the
Ottawa Senators), she might as well give it a try.

(3) Ranma was lying. He thoroughly enjoyed soccer, baseball,
hockey, martial-arts skating and, on Fridays, a good rousing game
of pinochle.

* * *

Ukyou let her tears mix with the ground below her. She sighed
and looked up at the school clock. She was late for class. She
shrugged and leaned against one of the nearby trees to support
herself. She sank down onto the grass. Right now, she didn't care
about school. How could this have have happened? How could she
have *let* it happen?
Behind her, the bushes rustled. She didn't care enough to
look over at it. Then the bushes started talking, and she glanced
up. Her eyes widened.

* * *

"Great-grandmother," pouted Shampoo, "why you make Shampoo
come here? Shampoo wanting to enter big tournament this afternoon.
Now everybody say Shampoo too afraid to fight!"
"Because," said Cologne, hitting her great-grandchild over the
head with her staff, "you must be close if you are to catch your
future husband when he leaves school. Besides, I asked your cousin
Chun Li to take your place. I'm sure she'll do passingly well--for
a such a young woman in the tribe, anyway. You would do much
better."
"But great-grandmother," said Shampoo, "Shampoo no have worry
about Akane. Why need hurry?"
Cologne gave her descendant a patronizing smile. "So you can
blackmail him for her safe return, of course. He'll have to agree
to marry you, and then..."
Shampoo smiled. "And then, everybody live happy ever after!"
Cologne nodded. "Or at least, everybody who matters."

* * *

Ukyou gasped. So *that* was it! How diabolical! Ukyou felt
her strength returning. She knew her Ranchan would never desert
her! She'd known all along it could only have been some horrid
Amazon magic! She'd never doubted him for a second (1)! She
grimly stood up. There was no *way* she'd let Shampoo get away
with this!
Then she paused. But Ranma wouldn't listen to her right now,
would he? She felt doom creeping up on her, but fought the feeling
off. Now was no time to give up! This was just the beginning (2).
She pounded her fist into her hand. She had it! She'd have
to find proof--and the antidote. That way she could stop Shampoo
from blackmailing Ranma, and show up her rival as the conniving,
cold hearted vixen she was at the same time! She paused. She was
forgetting something. Something...important. Oh, yes--that was
it. She could save Akane, too, while she was at it.
But she had to do it before school ended. Ukyou groaned. She
had a test next class...but it was either that, or lose Ranma to
wedded misery, Chinese style. She snarled curses relating to low
marks in Geography class (3) in Shampoo's general direction and
sneaked out of the school grounds.


(1) And if you believe that, I've got some prime Florida real
estate to sell you.

(2) Luckily for the author, this is actually part four, and not
merely one extended prologue. Whew! If this thing gets over a
hundred pages, please shoot me. I *need* my sleep!

(3) But as we all know, not in geography. Ukyou has very
interesting geography. In fact, her Okinomiyaki-ya is located on
a prime spot of Nerima real estate, just right to catch the
businessmen coming home from a long day of work, and close to
school, too. (4)

(4) Hentai baiting is a sport when done properly.

* * *

"DIE, RANMA!!"
Ranma looked up half a second before a fist went through the
space he had been occupying, creating a small crater in the ground.
Once again his innate reflexes had saved him from being turned into
okinomiyaki by his fiercest rival (1).
"Yo, what's up, Ryoga?" he asked as he landed.
"DIE!!" shouted Ryoga a second time. He swung his fist at
Ranma.
"This is getting old fast," commented Ranma blithely as he
dodged out of the way, letting a tree take the brunt of Ryoga's
wrath instead. The tree, which had been but an innocent bystander
up until this point, was smashed into slivers of wood, leaving a
wife and two children behind (2).
"What's up *this* time?" continued Ranma. "Gonna blame me for
getting lost? Didja end up in Hokkaido instead of the grocery shop
again? Or was it Okinawa instead of school?"
"You can't talk your way out of this one, Ranma!" yelled
Ryoga. "This time, I'm going to make you *pay* for what you've
done to Akane!!"
"Akane?" Ranma's eyes widened as he ducked and rolled,
kicking Ryoga in the stomach on the way past him. He immediately
regretted his action. It felt like he'd kicked a brick wall.
"What'd I do to her now?"
"Don't play dumb with me!" yelled Ryoga. He glanced over to
where Akane was watching and smiled at her, as well as the gathered
crowds of Furinken high. Several girls swooned in the audience.
Ryoga didn't notice--as usual. He raised his fist high and jumped
towards Ranma, his foot outstretched towards his rival. "Today is
the day you die, Ranma!!"
"Whatsa matter, P-Chan?" asked Ranma sardonically while
blocking, "Mommy's widdle baby get up on the wrong side of Akane
this morning?"
Ryoga froze in sudden horror. While social psychologists
still debate the relative merits of conditioned responses, ten out
of ten agree that freezing suddenly while flying forward in midair
is not the brightest of actions. Ryoga dove into the ground face-
first, leaving a large furrow in the earth.
Ranma blinked, as surprised as anybody else present at his
sudden and rather unexpected escape.
Ryoga stood back up slowly and glanced at Akane furtively.
Her eyes were wide as saucers and she stood stock-still. He opened
his mouth. "No!" he cried. "Nonono! It's not what you--I never--
don't believe--" He started crying. He had been overconfident and
was paying the price. But how could he ever give up Akane? How
could this be happening? He sank to his knees in despair.
Ranma patted Ryoga on the shoulder. "Aw, c'mon, it's not that
bad," he told his arch-rival. "Cheer up!"
Ryoga slowly swung his head up to regard Ranma. "It's not?"
he asked, incredulous.
Ranma smiled encouragingly. "Sure! Hey, at least Akane
wasn't here!" He laughed.
Ryoga swung his head towards Akane, then back at Ranma.
"Nooooo!" he shouted. "This can't be happening!"
Ranma blinked. "Um, Ryoga," he said, "don't you think you're
taking this, well, just a bit worse than you should be?"
Ryoga started sobbing. "Akane...oh, Akane...I'm so sorry..."
Ranma shook his head. "I told you, she's not here!"
Ryoga grabbed Ranma by the shirt collar. "I'll kill you,
Ranma! How dare you--Akane--you promised--I'll murder you!!" He
raised a fist.
Ranma quickly kicked Ryoga off him and into a tree. "And just
*where* do you see Akane!?" he demanded. He ground his teeth.
"I'm getting sick and tired of that joke," he muttered under his
breath.
"And just *where* do you see P-Chan, Ranma?!?" demanded Akane
as she kicked him into the stratosphere. He left behind little
streak marks on the ground, ordinarily something Akane would have
been proud of. Of course, ordinarily she wasn't this angry with
him, either.
She turned back to Ryoga, now sliding down the tree trunk.
"Oh, Ryoga," she said. "Defending my honour...you're always so
protective of me and P-Chan." She sighed as she tried to see if he
was hurt. Her sigh became a shout. "It's not *your* fault Ranma
is such a pervert that he'd spy on me in bed!!" Her voice turned
icy. "When he gets well, I'm going to have a little *talk* with
him about that!"


(1) No, not Ukyou--even though she could probably turn him into a
darn tasty okinomiyaki, if she ever tried to again.

(2) Lest anyone believe that this fanfic supports cruelty to
lumber products, the rest of the family was given generous support
checks from their local insurance agent, and lived happily ever
after. The tree in question became a nice set of lawn furniture,
and pursued a career in landscaping.

* * *

Ukyou looked at herself in the mirror and smiled. The smile
wasn't discernible through her mask, however. In fact, Ukyou was
covered head to foot in camouflage. Not the kind of camouflage you
might wear at night, or in the forest, or when trying to sneak past
sentries. No, this was something only someone as skilled as Ukyou
could make. It was camouflage to hide in a restaurant.
Ukyou checked her tabi (1) to make sure they were on securely.
She tied the thin cord around her waist as a belt, and as a final
step, tied her long hair into a ball and tucked the ends under her
shirt.
Now ready, she climbed up the wall of her okinomiyaki-ya and
onto the roof. From there, it was a short trip to Shampoo's Cat
Cafe...and her goal.


(1) Tabi are the nearly silent shoes that were traditionally worn
by ninja on missions. Even today, they are said to be the mark of
sneaky and disreputable people. They're also quite comfortable.
Not that the author would know that firsthand, of course.

* * *

Mousse grumbled to himself as he swept the floor. Sweeping
the floor. That's all he did around there. At least, until the
customers came and the Nekohanten opened for business. Then it was
serve the customers, serve the customers, serve the customers. And
afterwards, he had the dubious distinction of doing the dishes and
mopping the floor. But if it meant being close to Shampoo...
Meanwhile, Ukyou sneaked past him, tip-toeing around his broom
as she silently made her way towards the kitchen door. Until now,
she had been creeping underneath the tables and along the walls,
but she had no choice now but to go through the doorway.
Mousse stopped his work for a moment to sigh in bliss. His
Shampoo! So perfect, so beautiful, so full of life! One day she
would be his, he just knew it!
Ukyou paused, sensing his sudden change. Had he seen her?
She stayed as still as possible, trusting in her handy disguise to
keep her invisible to his senses.
"Oh, Shampoo..." murmured Mousse, quickly resuming sweeping
with a flourish. By blind chance (1), his broom was aimed right at
Ukyou. She hastily jumped on top of the nearest table and danced
around to avoid his ill-aimed broom.
Sneaking in past an almost blind waiter ought to have been a
snap, she thought--especially in her disguise. If she had known it
was going to take this long, she would have warned Ranma first. Or
even Akane. Well, SOMEBODY, anyway. She stifled a sigh and waited
for him to move out of the way.
"Oh, Shampoo," he murmured, calming down and leaning against
the broom. It, being a broom and not the wall he had imagined it
to be, gave way, sending him sprawling onto the ground, his glasses
skittering along the floor.
Ukyou reached down and picked them up, smiling. She chortled
in glee and started to race towards the kitchen door. Suddenly, a
piercing voice made her freeze in place.
"Mousse!" yelled Cologne, Shampoo's great-grandmother. "Was
that you chortling in glee?"
"Not I," yelled back Mousse from the floor where he was
ignomiously sprawled out on. "I just tripped."
Ukyou began to sweat. Trust the old hag to find her! She
inched towards the door nervously. She was so close!
"Good," came back Cologne's reply. "I wouldn't want you to be
happy working here."
Mousse blinked, then resumed looking for his glasses. Ukyou
gave an inward sigh of relief and grabbed the doorknob. "Old
mummy," growled Mousse under his breath.
"Just for that, I want you to mop the floors before opening!"
yelled Cologne.
Ukyou opened the door and quickly jumped through, closing it
behind her without so much as a whisper. Giving a ragged breath of
relief, she turned her attention towards the kitchen. What she
needed was a recipe. Likely to be found in a book, her well-honed
culinary training told her.
She glanced around the cookbooks in the room. 'A Hundred And
One Ways To Serve Ramen', said one. 'How To Bake Your Cake And Eat
It, Too', proclaimed another. 'Forty-Seven Ways To Skin A Cat',
said a third, while the next was 'Cooking Chinese Duck For
Newlyweds'. Ukyou shook her head in disbelief and went on.
'Secret Magical Recipes of the Joketsuzoku tribe', was the next.
She quickly grabbed it out of the stack, ignoring the rest of the
books (2).
It had large red kanji written on the front cover. 'DO NOT
READ THIS', Ukyou read. Below it were smaller letters that spelled
out 'THIS MEANS YOU'. She smiled an evil little smile of knowing
she was doing something that would later make somebody very, very
annoyed at her, and opened the book. Immediately a cloud of dust
sprang forth and she started choking, trying not to cough. Someone
ought to give Shampoo some advice on cleaning, she thought absently
while in the process of turning blue. Finally, the cloud settled
to the ground and she quickly turned the pages until she found the
index.

Turning handsome princes into toads...page 42.
Turning handsome toads into princes...page 47.
Turning princes' heads, by use of spandex...page 12.
Turning undead, see "Army of Darkness."

Too far, she thought, turning back a few pages.

Balancing the budget, see "Miracles."
Boiling water...page 1.
Boiling oil, its uses in marriage counselling...page 31.
Curdling milk, by gaze...page 50.

Not far enough, she thought, turning back a page.

Making love in a canoe, see "Canadians."
Making someone forget their troubles...page 21.
Making someone forget about themselves...page 39.
Making someone forget about others...page 22.

Ah-ha! she thought. That's it! She turned to page 22.
"Didn't I say not to read that?" asked a voice from behind
her.
"AIIIIIIEEEK!" screamed Ukyou, jumping five feet into the air.
She landed face-to-face with the creature from the Black Lagoon.
"Cologne!" she shrieked. "How--how did--!?"
The old ghoul laughed. "I could hear your 'ah-ha' a mile
away, girl!"
Ukyou frowned. "Really? But...but...I didn't *say* ah-ha..."
realization dawned on her. "You mean, you can read thoughts?!?"
Cologne laughed. "What, are you crazy? Of course I can't!"
She pointed at Ukyou's outfit. "But that suit really clashes with
the decor, you know. I came in for a cup of tea and spotted you
fooling around with things you shouldn't."
"What do you mean, clashes?" asked Ukyou irritably. "I'll
have you know this is a state-of-the-art restaurant ninja suit!"
Cologne shook her head. "You don't find very many okinomiyaki
in a Chinese cafe, girl."
Ukyou blushed a deep crimson. "Oh..." she said, belatedly
realizing her error. She hadn't thought about that...half her suit
was covered with life-like pictures of steaming okinomiyaki. Of
course, it blended right in inside *her* restaurant, where she had
tried it on...
"So what are you doing here, girl?" asked the old crone,
interrupting her train of thought. She glanced at the book Ukyou
was futilely trying to hide. "Forgetting someone? Now why would
you want to make somebody forget about you?"
Ukyou snorted at the old woman. "As if you didn't know," she
said defiantly, "I'm here to get the antidote for Ranma."
Cologne looked at her with surprise. "Antidote? Ranma? What
fool idea has gotten into you, girl?"
Ukyou's eyes flashed. "You know perfectly well what I'm
talking about, old ghoul! Making it so Ranma can't see Akane any
more!"
Cologne paused. "Making it so...that's not right."
Ukyou stamped her heel. "You bet that's not--what?"
Cologne was ignoring her and pacing the room. "Ranma can't
see Akane? That can only mean one thing!"
Ukyou blinked. "What?"
"It didn't work!" said Cologne.
Ukyou shook her head slowly. "Oh, no," she said. "You're not
getting out of this *that* easily."
Cologne irritably rapped Ukyou along the knuckles with her
staff. "It didn't work the way it was supposed to, I meant." She
glared at the young girl. "You've seen Akane?"
Ukyou nodded silently, wincing as she shook her newly injured
hand behind her. Cologne sighed. "Something must have
happened..."
"What are you talking about?" asked Ukyou intelligently.
Cologne turned to face the okinomiyaki chef-turned-spy. "You
saw Akane and Ranma together, after she ate the Eradicating Ramen?"
Ukyou nodded. Cologne rolled her eyes. "And didn't you think that
was a bit unusual?"
Ukyou blinked. She was getting tired of not having the
faintest idea of what was going on, but she was a very patient
girl. Also, it wasn't like she had much of a choice. "Why? Wait-
-ERADICATING ramen?"
"Exactly," said the old crone with the voice of wisdom, the
weight of ages, and the height of garden gnomes. "The formula
Shampoo used should have made Akane disappear completely. It is an
ancient magical recipe that relies on the secret name of every
living thing in the world. If you know it, you can make the world
forget it exists--and it does." Ukyou blinked. "If it had worked
right, Akane would have ceased to exist."
Ukyou's eyes widened. "You would have killed her!"
Cologne put out her staff in between them. "Calm down, girl.
Shampoo never meant to get rid of Akane that way. She didn't know
what she was doing, and I got back too late to stop her. But now
that it's done..." she stopped, then snarled. "Now that it's
messed up, I should say. I wonder what..." she stopped, her eyes
widening. "That's it!" She snapped her fingers. "Someone else
must have eaten the noodles destined for Akane--and I know who!"
Ukyou thought about it. "Well," she guessed, "I haven't seen
Mr. Saotome recently...no great loss, there..."
Cologne bopped Ukyou with her staff. "Idiot! Only the person
whose hair is in the ramen will disappear!"
Ukyou gave Cologne an angry look. "So the ramen didn't work?"
Cologne sighed. "Oh, it worked all right. It erased Akane
from someone--just not from herself."
Ukyou still looked puzzled. Cologne shook her head. "Can't
you see, girl? Ranma ate the cursed ramen! He doesn't know she
exists any more!"
Ukyou gasped in horror. "Oh, no! That's horrible! We've got
to--" she paused. "Wait a second..." She got a calculating look
in her eyes. "With Akane out of the picture, that just leaves
Ranma and...me..." Ukyou clasped her hands together in joy. At
last, Ranma was free of all those messy obligations to other girls
that forced him to avoid admitting his love for her!
"Aren't you forgetting someone?" asked Cologne archly. "My
Shampoo will be the one to marry Son-in-law." She shook her head.
"Never mind that...it won't work, girl. The recipe wears off in 48
hours if it's not done right the first time."
Ukyou blinked, daydreams of her wedding popping away into
nothingness. "What?"
Cologne sighed. "There is no antidote...I lied. But the
whole thing will wear off two days from when the victim first eats
the noodles--forty-eight hours exactly."
Ukyou's mouth twisted into a frown, then back into a smile.
"Well, then," she said. "I've still got--"
Cologne reached out her staff to block Ukyou's path. "Just a
moment, girl," she said menacingly. "Nobody has ever broken into
the Nekohanten--and lived to tell of it."
Ukyou blanched. "Wh-what happened to them?" she asked in a
whisper. "What did you do to them?"
"Nothing," the old hag replied with a shrug. "Nobody has ever
tried to break in before."
"You mean I got afraid for NOTHING?!" demanded Ukyou angrily.
Suddenly, the door behind Ukyou opened and Mousse walked in.
"Oh, hello Ranma," he said. "Have you seen my glasses?"
Ukyou grabbed his arm. "Mousse!" she cried. "It's a horrible
alien space-thingy imitating Cologne!" She dove past him out the
door before he could react and slammed it shut, running as fast as
she could out the restaurant. There was a muffled explosion from
behind her. She grinned; her last chemistry class had shown her
how mousse exploded when put under pressure.
"Curse you, Mousse!" cried the old ghoul. "Get those stupid
chains of yours off me!"
"If only I'm not too late!" panted Ukyou as she sprinted
towards Furinken High.


(1) No pun intended.

(2) Which was a very good thing, indeed. Right after
'Shakespeare's collected works' and a five-hundred year old copy of
'the National Enquirer' ("COLUMBUS DISCOVERY A HOAX, EXPERTS SAY"
and "SPACE ALIENS STOLE THE SPANISH ARMADA"), was a pristine copy
of the Necronomnicon (3).

(3) The Book of the Names of the Dead, from H.P. Lovecraft's
devious and insidious novel. Not to be confused with the
Necrotelecomnicon, which contains their telephone numbers.

* * *

"If only I'm not too late!" echoed Ranma, pacing down the
hallway. He stopped and growled. "Something's not quite right
here. Make that *definitely* not right." He stopped and gazed out
the window. "If only I knew what..." He punched his fist into his
open palm, frustrated.
Akane sighed. "You're under a spell, Ranma," she said, for
the twentieth time. For the twentieth time, he ignored her.
Ranma tried to think. As always, it hurt. "Okay...everybody
seems to think Akane is here, except me. Even Ryoga, and he's a
crummy actor. He couldn't act to save his own skin. Why, he
couldn't--" he stopped himself with an act of willpower.
"He's under a spell," Akane reminded herself through clenched
teeth. "I'm not supposed to hurt him. Much."
"So," he said to himself. "What force could possibly make
everybody except me think she's there?" He let out his breath
slowly. "That *does* sound a bit weird," he allowed himself. "In
fact," he said, slowly building up, "that's *too* weird! It can
only mean one thing!"
Akane looked up at him expectantly.
"THEY'RE ALL UNDER A SPELL!!" he shouted. Akane facefaulted.
"That's it!" he said, excitedly.
"That's it, all right," agreed Akane darkly. "I'm leaving.
You can deal with your problems yourself, baka." She walked out,
leaving him alone with his thoughts.
"There's just one thing missing," said Ranma. "What have they
done with the *real* Akane? And why?" He licked his lips and made
a fist, gazing out the window into the sky. "Whatever it takes,"
he promised to the empty room, "I'm going to get you back, Akane!"

End of Part Four