Title: Past Thoughts

Summary: Raistlin Majere (during Dragons of Summer Flame) takes some time to think of what he could have had.

Rated G

*I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this story, they belong to Margaret Weis and Tracey Hickman (TSR)*

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I look at you dear nephew as you sleep next to the kender, you are dreaming, dreaming of things which never happened to me. Your face is calm and peaceful, I wish I could snatch those dreams from you. My dreams were always torture, horrible, and beyond your imagination. I saw things which you will never see... and I'm glad Palin. You'll never experience what I have been through, and your heart couldn't take, you have much of your fathers spirit. And your mothers.......

Ah yes, Tika. My nephew, you remind me of her so much. Those eyes and that auburn hair....Yes, your brothers had taken on that trait too. I have watched you and your siblings over the years.

You should have been my son Palin! My son! If only I could turn back the hands of time once again! If only Caramon wouldn't have.... No. What am I saying, that could never happen. She chose my brother instead of me! Yet, I did nothing, only sat back and watched. My gaze always watching them, never letting them time alone. I was jealous, why couldn't you see that Caramon? I always wanted Tika, but why should she fall for me, the weak frail mage that was nothing compared to the handsome warrior! They all saw me that way!! I was nothing compared to the lovable warrior, no one trusted me! Why?! As Sturm Brightblade said it long ago that he could never trust a sniveling mage! Even Tanis and the others felt the same way, but never expressed it.

No one, no one understood me! I tried, but no matter what I did I just kept on slipping and slipping farther into that black hole. Then my hunger for power grew, forgetting anything that had meaning to me. My friends, my family, and even....and even the ones I loved. My brother couldn't save me, Crysania couldn't have saved me, ...no one could save me.

Crysania...I have not thought about her in awhile. As you see dear nephew, she tried to redeem me, try to sway me off the path of evil. It did no good. She even offered herself to me, but I denied her. I knew that she was in love with me and I used that against her, not even caring. And then I left her to die, by herself, not even looking back. You must understand, she meant nothing to me, nothing! I never wanted her! She was nothing like Tika! Tika......

I'm drowning Palin, even in this prison, the Abyss, I still suffer and am hurt more deeply than any of the Dark Queen's talons, when they rip into my flesh. I should have been your father, but I cannot change the past.

For now.......

Author: Arouet