Disclaimer: All characters and places, etc... belong to Joss and all those lovely people involved with making our fav tv show.
We only chose to borrow these characters for a bit to do what we enjoy doing. All that we own is our lovely plot! No
copyright infrigment is intended in any way shape or form.
With that out of the way...
Title: Imitor Vita Pro Amor (Imitating Life For Love)
Authors: Peroxide Pest and Nocturne Wytche, AKA Celeste and Debbie
Spoilers: All Seasons
Dedications: Well, I'd like to say thanks to all those wonderful S/B
writers out there that have inspired me and my sister to come
outta our shells and see what y'all think of our lil fics. We'd
probably like to thank each other for putting up with each other and
the sort, and of course for being so good at writing together, you
can barely tell where one of us begins and one ends. Also, to
our sister, Keren, who still loves Angel, we forgive you :P Lea,
thanks for all the help and support, blessed be sister.
Summary: A few unsuspected visitors come back to good ol' SunnyD and
cause some more havoc in our favorite slayer's life.
She must also decide where her feelings for Spike lay. A run
in with a demon changes things for Spike. S/B
Rated: R just to be safe
Note: songs come into a lot of play in the next few chapters,
just to let you all know. Sorry if it becomes a nuisance, but hey
its the music of our character's hearts :P Or something to that
affect... Plus, it leads to plenty of s/b romantic tension, which
we
all love! Also, no copyright infringement intended on these beautiful
songs, that are the backgrounds to the soul of this story :)
P.S.: We've also come to notice that Spike purring...is a GREAT thing :P *EG*
Without further blabbings:
Imitor Vita Pro Amor
Part 8
"Hey Bite Size, mind if I borrow you for a second?" Spike tapped
Dawn's shoulder while she danced with her friend.
"What's up Spike?" Dawn frowned, seeing his tight, 'I don't care
about anything' expression on his face.
He pulled the young girl into a private corner. "I'm gonna
go ducks. Think 've worn out my welcome with big sis."
"Don't be silly Spike, this is a public place. You can
stay here as long as you want," Dawn pouted.
"Sorry luv..." he frowned, hating to disappoint her. "Look...Nibblet...I
just think its a good idea if I laid low for a little bit." he couldn't
look her in the eyes. "I've ruffled your sis' doilies enough to know
when enough is enough."
Dawn's heart was pounding. "Whaddya mean?"
Spike heard her heartbeat become agitated. "I think 'm
gonna stay outta your sis' hair a bit is all..."
Dawn bit her lip with worry. She knew he was thinking of
leaving. "Spike..." she whispered. "Please don't leave.
I need you."
Spike's undead heart broke. He kissed her forehead.
"I'll always be here for you luv." He smiled, trying to let her down
easy.
She felt tears spring to her eyes as he eased away, turning
his back to her. "Spike!"
He turned worried blue eyes to her.
"I love you..." she stated. He just smiled tenderly, then turned,
striding away in silence.
Dawn turned to her friend.
"Everything ok?" he asked, concerned. Dawn shrugged her shoulders
halfheartedly, not having the strength to speak aloud. She was worried.
Buffy searched by the pool table, hoping Spike would appear there.
He wasn't. She sighed. Well, at least with him gone she could
stop thinking about him. Yeah, right. She rolled one
of the pool balls across the red table. Her mind flashbacked to earlier
that night, and she thought about dancing with Spike. It was almost
like an out of body experience...as if someone else had taken over her
and let her dance with him. It felt so...God, she hated to say it...good.
She leaned against the pool table, a tiny smile playing on her lips.
The way he purred made her tingle and her heart pound. It was so
stimulating. The fact that she could do that to the big bad vampire,
make him react so extremely, made her tingle inside. She just couldn't
seem to get enough of it. Her heart jumped at the memory, wanting
suddenly to be close to him. She sighed, knowing she shouldn't let
herself be a slave to such thoughts. The way she acted earlier really
scared her. It made her think about things that were probably better left
buried. Like the question, if Spike could be so good...than how come Angelus
couldn't have changed for her?? She groaned, tossing a ball into
one of the pockets.
"That's cheatin', luv..." the sound of Spike's deep, rich brogue
interrupted her musings.
Buffy jumped, turning. "I thought you'd gone back to your
crypt..."
"Don't worry, 'm bout to get out of your hair, slayer..." he
put his hands up in defense.
"You don't have to leave cuz of me," she couldn't believe what
she was saying. Not more than a few minutes ago she was complaining
about him being here. Now that he was this close, she didn't want
him to leave.
Spike studied her. She seemed scared of him, in
a not so 'ooh you're the big bad' type way, but a 'now that you're important
to me you have the potential to really hurt me' sort of way. It was
odd. "C'mon Buffy. I know you don't want me around..."
"Spike, about before..." she started interrupting him.
He raised his brows with curiosity. "I...I..." she stuttered, staring in
his blue eyes.
"I know... I'm sorry… I didn't mean to get all..." he looked
away from her. "Well…the whole purring bit..." if he could blush
he would. "Can't control it..."
Buffy wanted to tell him how cute it had seemed. Instead,
all she managed to choke out was a lame, "It's okay."
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you can feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that 'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
For a long time, they just stood, staring at once another uncomfortably.
It was suddenly silent as the song ended. "I'm sorry if I messed
up things with you and your poof... er…Riley…" he continued. He was
arguing with himself inside about how to tell her he was leaving.
She sighed. "He's not my poof, Spike." She paused.
"I'm sorry he attacked you... again..."
"I'm not made of glass luv, 'll live..or well...you know...un-live."
He shrugged.
She needed answers. She needed to know what exactly happened between them tonight, but she was scared of the answer. She was scared all together. Spike could see her growing more and more uncomfortable. With each passing moment he knew leaving had to be the right thing. He groaned. If he was going, he was gonna go with a bang, not fade into the background like his Poofter of a Grandsire. He cupped her cheek, cooling her hot skin with his touch.
Say goodnight not good-bye
You will never leave my heart behind
Like the path of a star
I'll be anywhere you are
In the spark that lies beneath the coals
In the secret place inside your soul
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight not good-bye
"Look Buffy..." he leaned in closer. "I know what you think
of me, I know what a monster I am in your eyes. I know you try to
overlook it because we're friends. Thank you for giving me that chance
at least." He paused. "I said this once before, but 'll say it once
more... I know that you could never love me, I know 'm a monster,
and you're right about it. But thank you for givin' me the benefit
of the doubt tonight. And thank you, for our dance..."
Buffy's eyes found his icy blue ones. She tried to read
him, but he wasn't letting on to anything, not now.
"I know you want to try and work things out with Captain America,"
he paused, mentally thanking Xander for the new ammo. There was a
bout of silence between them, while he tried to force himself to do what
was best for both of them. He just couldn't spit out the words. What
he wanted to say was, 'm going to leave, so you can be happy'. But,
he just couldn't say it. "I don't mean to get in the way. Our
friendship isn't as special as what you shared with him. He's human." He
bit back the bitter taste in his throat. He just wasn't getting this
out the way he'd like. "Listen luv, 'm gonna go now. Get outta
your hair." he chickened out. William the Bloody chickened out.
"If you ever need me...'ll be there."
Don't you fear when you dream
Waking up is never what it seems
Like a jewel buried deep
Like a promise meant to keep
You are everything you want to be
So just let your heart reach out to me
I'll be right by your side
Say goodnight not good-bye
Buffy couldn't understand what Spike was trying to get at.
His thoughts and expressions were so jumbled. She watched him, trying
to understand.
Seeing her confusion, he saw his opportunity, and seized it,
wondering absently as he did, if he would come out of the club fitting
in a vacuum cleaner. He dove in quickly, before she could move, and pressed
a gentle, lingering kiss against her left temple. "Goodbye Buffy...."
With that, he stalked off, duster flapping behind him like a harbinger
of bad tidings.
Buffy turned, in shock. Her cheek felt white hot from
his lips and she couldn't believe how quickly he'd disappeared. Without
hearing a word she had to say at that. He didn't seem to want to
hear anything she had to say. It felt strange. Something
inside her broke, and she didn't quite understand why. Just yet.
"Goodnight Spike..." she whispered.
You are everything you want to be
So just let your heart reach out to me
Keep my light in your eyes
Say goodnight, not good-bye
He walked outside, willing himself not to turn around and
look at her one more time. He really didn't know what he was going to do
with himself. He needed to get away, give both he and Buffy a chance to
breathe on their own. Walking down the alley by the Bronze, he already
missed her. Her and Dawn. He hated himself for having to do this to Dawn
and leave. For three months he had been her whole world, and she his. They
had held on to each other in their grief, because they had had no one to
turn to. No one else felt as they did for their part in Buffy's death.
No one had their guilt over it. If Spike had been faster, fiercer, stronger.
If Dawn had jumped before Buffy could stop her. Theirs had been a bond
of pain and quietly sobbed reassurances. If it hadn't been for her, he
might have just ended it all, to stop the pain. But she had needed him,
he'd needed her, and he had had a promise to keep. It was most likely,
the only reason he was still alive at this very moment.
Sighing, the vampire leaned against the wall at the end
of the alley; the very one he had come to earlier. He pulled out a cigarette,
not seeing the harm in lingering a bit to console the part of his heart
that would always be here, with them. He flipped his lighter, causing a
spark and sighed as the smoke poured into him. He would have to give these
up, if he stayed here, he mused. It was an excuse he was giving to convince
himself that leaving was better. Yeah right. He snorted. Smokes VS Buffy.
He would quit cold turkey if she asked him to. He would never even crave
the blasted things again, if she wanted him to. But, he reminded himself;
he was leaving. So it didn't matter. He leaned up against the wall, and
listened to the music wafting from the club, puffing on his smoke quietly
as he remembered the feel of her in his arms, and the smell of her, and
the look of her. It would be his fondest memory from now until eternity.
If you wanna know…
Tomorrow morning I have to leave
But wherever I may be
Best believe I'm thinking of you
I can't believe how much I love you
Back at the Bronze, Buffy had wandered back to her table, plopping down onto a seat that faced the door. What did he mean, getting out of her hair? She sighed. It seemed about time she drove another man away from her, friend or not. They always left her, to give her time, to let her think, to let her be normal, because she wasn't good enough, because she wasn't dependant. So many reasons, the same result. They left. She touched her face, where he had kissed her. She ached like she was missing something.
All we have is here tonight
We don't want to waste this time
Give me something to remember
Baby put your lips on mine
She listened to the music in the club, watching Xander and Anya dance, Willow and Tara. They all looked so content, in the arms of someone, just moving to the music, nothing else on their mind. She remembered the feel of her dance with Spike, and she imagined it was he and she there again, just dancing. Forgetting the world. She closed her eyes, sighing to herself. Just one dance.
And I'll love you forever
Anytime that we find ourselves apart
He pictured her in his arms, happy and content, as if the world around them had disappeared at there was only them, in their moment. He sighed and shoved his hands into his duster pockets, imagining her pressed against him. They fit so well. It felt so right, so perfect. But it was wrong. Every part of it was wrong. The world dictated that there could be no Buffy and Spike. He hated that; he hated rules. Always had. But when the whole world was against you, what could you do? He puffed on his cigarette. He could dream. He could imagine. And he had his memory. He shut his eyes lightly, listening to the music, picturing them dancing again, in his mind. It soothed him some.
Just close your eyes
And you'll be here with me
Just look to your heart
And that's where I'll be
If you just close your eyes
Till your drifting away
You'll never be too far from me
If you close your eyes
She wondered what he was thinking now, walking away from
her to his crypt. Did it hurt him? She knew he loved her. She knew he was
doing this to make life easier for her. But it didn't seem easier. She
wondered how a soulless vampire could have more heart than men who did
have their souls. He would be walking, and she could see him muttering
to himself, cursing himself for being a wanker, but not really meaning
it because deep down inside he knew he was doing the right thing.
How would it be, all of a sudden? Him being in the shadows
instead of in the foreground for a while? Staying in his crypt all the
time instead of coming to Movie night, or Bronze night? What would the
others say? Would it be weird without him? Stranger than it had been with
him?
I know I'm gonna see you again
But promise me that you won't forget
Cause as long as you remember
A part of us will be together
So even when you're fast asleep
Look for me inside your dreams
Keep believing in what we're sharing
And even when I'm not there to tell you
I'll, I'll love you forever
Anytime that I can't be where you are
He realized, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he
should leave now, before he chickened out and rushed back in, telling her
he would never go. He had to keep reminding himself it was easier if he
vanished for a bit. She needed to sort out her life, and he needed to learn
to deal with these feelings. He wondered if he should visit LA, maybe see
the grand poof, and get some advice on how to deal with loving someone
so much it made everything about you ache all the time. Like he loved her.
He had to go. He banged the back of his head against the wall, because
something stopped him for a bit. Maybe he wanted to finish out the dance
in his imagination, finish this song out.
Just close your eyes
And you'll be here with me
Just look to your heart
And that's where I'll be
If you just close your eyes
Till your drifting away
You'll never be too far from me
If you close your eyes
Is there anywhere that far?
Anytime you're feeling low
Is there anywhere that love cannot reach?
Oh no
It could be anywhere on earth
It could be anywhere I'll be
Oh baby if you want to see
Just close your eyes
And you'll be here with me
Look to your heart
That's where you'll be
Just close your eyes
Till your drifting away
You'll never be too far from me
As the strains faded out and another song started, he pushed himself upright and put out his cigarette, exhaling the last of the smoke from his long dead lungs. It was time to go. Striding with purpose this time, he headed for his crypt. He would go to LA. Far enough to think but, close enough to come back the moment anyone needed him. With new purpose, he strode towards his crypt. He and Buffy, they'd both be okay without each other for a bit.
"Buffy?"
She was startled out of her reverie by Dawn. "Oh. Hey
Dawnie. How was your dance?" she asked, trying to keep from sounding too
distracted. "A boyfriend on the horizon I should be working on scaring
off?"
Dawn shrugged. "I just saw Spike," she stated, ignoring
the boyfriend statement. It would be Spike's job to scare him off, in the
future, as far as she was concerned. Buffy was the one that was supposed
to take her side and tease him about it later. "He said he needed to go."
Buffy nodded. "Yeah. He said he'd lay low for a while."
"No…" Dawn trailed off. "He said he needed to GO."
The slayer's eyes narrowed. "You mean…"
"He's leaving," Dawn nodded. "I was looking for you to
tell you…but you weren't here."
"I was talking to him." Buffy paused. "He said goodbye,"
she said softly. His words echoed around her, like a haunting love ballad.
He'd said goodbye. Not, I'll see you later, not good night, not, 'til next
time. He'd said goodbye.
Did you ever love somebody?
So much that the earth moved
Did you ever love somebody?
Even though it hurt to?
Did you ever love somebody?
Nothing else the heart could do
Did you ever love somebody,
Who never knew?
"Buffy, you can't let him leave."
She was almost startled at how the voice in her head and
Dawn said the exact thing at the exact time. "Dawn, I can't do anything
about it. If he wants to go, it's his choice."
Dawn looked incredulous. "Buffy! You can do something
about it! It's always been you."
"Dawn, what are you talking about? I can't keep him here."
The younger girl barely kept herself from screaming, eyes
looking beseechingly at her sister. "God, he LOVES you Buffy! All you'd
have to do is ask him, and he'd stay!"
Did you ever lay your head down
On the shoulder of a good friend?
And then have to look away somehow
Had to hide the way you felt for them
"I know that Dawn! Maybe he just needed to get away from
me."
"Maybe he thought you wanted to get away from him!" Dawn
stated back, just as vehemently.
The reasonable part of Buffy screamed at her to argue that Spike
could very well do as he pleased, here, or not. The small part of her that
cared about him told her to go and demand that he stay, because it needed
him. It seemed like the reasonable part was winning now, telling her that
it would be giving him the wrong idea, if she asked him to stay.
Have you ever prayed the day would come?
You'd hear them say they feel it too
Did you ever love somebody,
Who never knew?
She knew he would do it, too, if she asked him too. He'd
walk into sunlight or bathe in holy water, if she'd needed him to. Dawn
knew it too. Perhaps, Dawn had known it before Buffy had. "I…I can't."
"Why?" Her little sister's hand rested against her arm,
squeezing it gently. "Why not?"
And if you did,
Well, you know I'd understand
I could I would
More than anybody can
"Why? I can't because, it's…" she trailed off. Was it wrong?
If it was right to let him go, why did it make her feel so terrible?
"It's what Buffy? Wrong?" Dawn asked.
"Yes, it's wrong."
"You were going to ask Riley to stay!"
"But that was different… he and I …"
"Maybe you're just scared."
Did you ever love somebody?
So much that the earth moves
Did you ever love somebody,
Even though it hurt to?
Buffy looked at her sister. Scared? Why would she be scared?
He was harmless… he loved her. Love scared her; it was true. The hurt just
never stopped. And she couldn't love him. The world told her she couldn't
love him. The reasonable part of herself told her she didn't love him;
that she never would. But there was still that small part of her that cried
out for his touch, his smell, his love.
Yes, she was scared. "Oh god," she whispered to herself.
"I have to go…" she looked at her sister, who just nodded. "I have to talk
to him."
Did you ever love somebody?
Nothing else your heart could do
Did you ever love somebody?
Like I love you
Like I love you
Like I love you
Spike entered his crypt, mind working fluidly. He would
get the bare necessities, clothes, and money, what blood he had in the
fridge. His one remaining picture of Buffy. The one Dawn had given him,
because she'd said she'd needed something to look at, that was just Buffy.
She'd said he needed one too. They'd even gone to get it framed. She was
beautiful in that picture, golden haired and happy. Genuinely happy. He
wondered what had brought that smile to her face. Had it been Riley? Dawn?
Joyce? Her other friends? He wondered what it would take, to get a smile
like that for him.
Sighing, he stuffed his clothing into a duffle bag he
had gotten from the back of his car, and gently put the picture on top
of everything. Then with purpose, he emptied the fridge of beer and the
two packets of blood he had. If he left now, he'd get to LA by three, plenty
of time to find a place to stay before sunup.
Fully packed, he jumped the back wall of the cemetery
into the street, where his DeSoto was parked. He loaded his belongings
into the back seat, and tossed his case of beer onto the passenger side.
He would probably need that soon.
He should have been pleased with himself. He had packed
in less than 10 minutes, gotten everything planned and settled. He was
ready to go. Then why did he feel like the reprise of his bloody grandsire,
leaving the one person he loved more than anything else in the world, in
the middle of the night, to an uncertain future? He growled low in his
throat and made for the driver's side of the car. Then, he heard a scream.
Ignoring the part of his head that said the PTB's were
giving him a sign, he debated whether or not he should go, see what all
the distress was about. He didn't need to do good anymore; he'd be leaving.
Buffy wouldn't be around to watch him, or Dawn, or the Scoobies. He could
just ignore it… leave. Go now.
Giving an aggravated snarl, he slammed his car door shut
and scrambled back towards the forests behind the cemetery, where the sound
had come from. He was getting softer, as he grew older, and the Slayer's
influence wasn't helping. Part of him wanted to walk around and take off
in the DeSoto, while the other part of him was thinking about some poor
girl getting ripped apart by a group of fangs. Was that girl as important
to someone as Buffy and Dawn were to him? Would he be responsible for shattering
someone's entire world if he didn't go after her? He couldn't bear the
thought. Taking off at a sprint towards the smell of human fear, he ducked
low, edging along the shadows at a ground eating pace.
Buffy entered Spike's cemetery at a brisk pace 15 minutes
later, senses on alert in case of danger. Part of her knew that there would
be no trouble here. Apparently, Spike had been thorough in his clean up
after Buffy had died. Willy had said there was a rumor in the demon underground
that Spike had gone completely nuts and killed every demon in his path
after the death of the slayer. Demons were told to avoid him. He was generally
feared, as much as he had been during his days as the Sunnydale master.
He had been the boogey man of the boogey men. A fearsome, destructive force
of pure anguish. She didn't doubt it.
She found herself at the door to his crypt, and contemplated
knocking or barging in. She tapped the back of her hand against the door
twice, and waited a second. When there was no answer, she pushed herself
inside. "Spike?"
Her eyes searched desperately.
"Spike?!" she called, louder this time, her voice a little more shrill.
She tore apart the crypt, searching for him; in the tunnels below where
he'd first chained her up with Drusilla, hoping that he was hiding, moping,
hell, even smoking. But he was nowhere to be found. It looked like she'd
done a bang up job again. The one person who never seemed to go away
as much as she'd get annoyed and angry with, had gone. She was definitely
the queen of chasing men away. Even William the Bloody got tired
of her. She scaled the ladder back up to the mail floor and looked
lazily around the crypt, before falling into his armchair.
To her surprise tears trickled down her face. Why'd she
let him go in the first place?! So what if Spike would've gotten
the wrong impression if she asked him to stay?! At least he'd still
be here. If there were never to be a Spike and Buffy romance, at
least they had been amazing partners in battle. Buffy pondered
why she could trust the vamp with her life, but not her heart.
The room was still dark, and she took a moment to try
and adjust to it, hoping she would see him appear out of the shadows at
any second, like he had done on occasion upon occasion. But instinctively,
she knew she wouldn't. She couldn't feel him. Sighing, she flipped on the
lamp at his table, and looked around the empty crypt once more. The fridge
was open; empty. The picture of her that Dawn had given him was gone. He
had missed a shirt while packing, and it laid on the floor in a heap, a
testament to his speedy departure. "Wow, when you drive 'em out, you really
drive 'em out," Buffy muttered to herself, fighting past that feeling of
hopelessness and loss swelling in her chest. She got up off the armchair
and walked across the crypt, and picking up the forgotten shirt. A black
silk button up with white dragons twisting around the sleeves like wisps
of smoke. She studied it, smelled it. It smelled like him. She tucked it
into her arm, the last sign of him she might ever see.
She crossed the room again, and sat down, staring
at the blank television screen for a moment. He'd be watching Passions,
or Dawson's Creek if he were here, she realized. He liked that Pacey character.
Something about how Dawson might be Joey's soul mate, but Pacey was her
equal. He could become her soul mate. She absently rubbed the material
of his shirt with her fingers, and told herself she wasn't going to cry.
He had been her friend. And he could be back again, one day.
So for now, she thought about him. When they'd slain together
they always moved as one, as a team. She knew where he'd be at all
times and what he was doing. She thought like he did, as if their
minds and body's were of the same spirit. When they fought, he was
the one person she didn't feel she needed to keep an eye on like Riley,
or Xander or any of the Scoobies... He was an asset in the slaying
department, and, though she had been the slowest to admit it, in the friendship
department. As a friend, she shouldn't have let him leave.
She brought her knees to her chest, hugging them
close. She leaned her head back and was enveloped in the essence
of him. His scent surrounded her like a lazy, smoky blanket.
The leather, cigarettes, and warm scent of him was and forever would be,
embedded in the over worn old chair. She sighed heavily, her heart
feeling leaden. How was it that she would put her life in Spike's
hands, but she couldn't even ponder giving him her heart? If he was
good enough to be her friend, good enough to trust with her life, how was
it he wasn't worthy of her heart? He was the one who knew all of
her, knew what it was like to live an un-normal life, to be the Slayer.
The only one who really knew her at all.
She tried to reconcile that thought with the fact
that he was a killer, and that the chip was the only thing standing between
him and a murderous rampage. But then again, she had to ask, was it really
that chip that she thought made Spike the man he'd become? No, of
course, it had to be. Vampires just didn't change, they stayed, as
they were; violent and bloodthirsty and remorseless. It's not possible
for them to truly love! If it was possible... then why hadn't Angelus
been able to subdue the nature of his demon? She screamed internally, pounding
her fist on the arm of the chair. Why did she constantly compare
Spike with Angelus?! Just because they were both evil didn't mean
they were equal. Angelus had always been a cruel and heartless bastard.
Even as a 'big bad' Spike wasn't as nasty. He'd helped her back then
too, just for the sake of saving the world. And to get him and Dru out
safe of course, but he'd ultimately done it for love. She stopped
breathing a moment. He'd LOVED Dru. Her mind reflected back
on the night Spike made her go on that fake stakeout, and nearly confessed
his love for her. She'd said some horrible things to him.
She'd told him it wasn't possible for him to feel love for her or anyone.
She'd told him he was like a locked up serial killer waiting
to break free. She'd said that the chip was the entire reason behind
his sudden change of heart. The question was; what could possibly
have been in it that made Spike do a total 360'? No, of course not. Computers
weren't that advanced. They didn't tell a person, undead or not, what to
do, how to feel, who to love. Was it Dawn, then? He loved that little
girl with all his undead life... had it been her that made him change?
Or had it been something completely different? Perhaps, boredom… tired
of being the 'big bad'? Was it because Dru left him?
No matter how much the chip kept him from killing the innocent, it never
made him risk his life helping her and the Scoobies, Buffy could admit
that now. And it never made him fall in love with her. It never
made him want to keep promises to a little girl and her big sister, or
look out for their best interests even at the cost of his life. Spike
had done that, still did that, on his own. He chose to do those things
because deep down, he'd do anything for Buffy Summers. Anything for
her love. A love she'd never return. He'd known that, yet he'd still
been there. He'd known she'd never love him.
Sighing to herself, she realized she wished she
had told him. The night she had died, he had said he knew she'd never love
him. That he was a monster. She had wanted to tell him there, that he wasn't
a monster. She had wanted to tell him maybe she might love him one day.
But there hadn't been time. There hadn't been enough of her to think about
that with everything else going on. She had wanted to tell him when she
came back too, but things had been awkward. And lately… she hadn't thought
about it. He had been there, with her, and she had decided that was enough.
He had been her friend.
Now, he was gone again. And she hadn't told him. She hadn't
told him that he was more of a man than anyone could ever have known. She
hadn't told him that she could maybe love him, one day. She hadn't thanked
him for staying strong and taking care of Dawn and the rest of them, or
taking her slaying duties. She hadn't apologized for being so terrible
to him during their problems with Glory. She hadn't told him that Joey
chose Pacey over Dawson because he was more than her equal, or her soul
mate. She hadn't fought enough with him. Hadn't seen enough of that smirk,
or that spark they had when they battled, together or against each other.
They hadn't danced enough.
She brought the shirt up to her face and rubbed it against
her cheek. They hadn't danced enough. Buffy buried her head in his scent
and wept.
TBC...
