Disclaimer: With the exception of Carol, the Narrator, the
Planet Dedum, the Dedum natives, the sacred gorilla, and Abe, none of this
belongs to me.
CHARACTER LIST
(Author's Note: Even if you know the ins and outs of all the characters who have ever appeared on Star Trek, you still need to read this, because A) there are some original characters, and B) some characters are drastically altered.)
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Chekov, Sulu, and Uhura:
All these characters will be appearing.
Harry
Mudd: Just like in the show.
Abe:
Abe is a Romulan Destroyer droid.
Lt. Carol
Collins: Carol is Kirk's girlfriend, and (surprise, surprise) she's
actually human and alive.
Stella
Mudd: You may have heard of her, but changes have been made.
Kirk's
Mother: She isn't in this story, but you should still know a couple things
about her that weren't in the show.
Gene:
Never seen on stage, he is the producer, director, and creator of the
show.
And now, without further ado…
Opening:
Kirk: [voice-only] Captain's Log, Stardate 6834.6:
Act I, Scene I
[Curtain opens on the bridge.
McCoy holds a small statue of a brass gorilla.]
Kirk: [skeptical] Tell me again why you have that thing?
McCoy: Remember, Jim?
Kirk: Uh-huh.
McCoy: And anyway, it makes a great souvenir.
Sulu: Captain, we're coming into orbit around Dedum.
McCoy: Why'd we come to this planet anyway?
Kirk: Bones!
Uhura: Ahem.
Kirk: -or woman-has gone before!
McCoy: Jim, I've heard it.
Kirk: We received a distress call from the surface, and decided to check it out.
McCoy: Well, why didn't you say so?
Kirk: Well you see, the plot is only thirty minutes, and we have an hour slot to fill…
Narrator: [The narrator is always seen to Stage Left.
Act I, Scene II
Narrator: The view is of a once gleaming-and now grimy-
porcelain palace.
[Curtain to stage right lights from behind.
Voice from off-stage: That is it!
Kirk: [from off-stage] Now, Gene, you know we can't do
that.
McCoy: [from off-stage] Jim, you're doing it again.
Gene: If it will keep you from saying that corny line we'll keep the narrator.
Kirk: But Gene, that line is important!
[There is a flurry of activity behind the curtain, then a
resounding thud.
McCoy: Do you think he'll wake up in time for his next scene?
Gene: Sure.
McCoy: [picking up one end of fallen silhouette] I could use some help carrying him down there.
Gene: Oh, sure.
McCoy: Isn't that my line?
[Meanwhile on stage, everyone has been standing around looking impatient.]
Harry: Excuse me, but could we get on with my [he twirls his mustache] big scene?
Gene: Oh, yeah sure.
Narrator: Inside the palace we see none other than Harry
Mudd, seated on a throne of clay.
Harry: [sighing loudly] I never thought I'd say it, but being stranded on this planet with thousands of people who think I'm a god is remarkably boring.
[A native approaches and bows before Harry.]
Native: Oh great god Mudd, my only wish is to serve.
Harry: Do you have any beautiful dancing girls?
Native: [uncomfortable] Ah, well, no.
Harry: Do you have any gold or jewels?
Native: No, we don't have that either.
Harry: Do you have a ship that can take me to where there are beautiful dancing girls and gold and jewels?
Native: Well, no, not really.
Harry: [sighing] I have got to get off this planet.
Native: Immediately if not sooner, your Eminence!
[The Native leaves, and returns with large clay tablets.]
Harry: Clay tablets!
[Kothak and Lodar, two punk Klingons, enter.
Narrator: You will note that Kothak and Lodar are punk
Klingons; that is, Klingons who have decided to shave their heads.
Harry: [upset] What is this?!
Lodar: She was out of our league.
Kothak: But we did get this.
Harry: Hmm.
[Harry turns around to get the block, but sees two natives moving it.]
Harry: What are you doing?
Native 2: It's not in alignment with the stars, Eminence!
Harry: [fuming] If you move it now, it won't be in the right
position to contact the Enterprise.
Native 2
& 3: Yes, your Eminence!
Act I, Scene III
[The scene is once again on the bridge of the Enterprise,
which is still in orbit around Dedum.
Uhura: Sir, we're receiving a transmission from the planet's surface.
Kirk: Put it on the main screen.
Narrator: And so, they finally beheld the face of the man on the planet, the face of none other than-
[Harry Mudd appears on screen.]
All (except Spock): [surprised] Harry Mudd!
Harry: So good of you to remember me.
Kirk: [completely unimpressed] You're bluffing.
Harry: Perhaps, but is that a risk you're willing to take?
All (except Spock and Kirk): [under breath] Oh, no!
Kirk: A
risk?
Harry: [pained] Uh, yeah, I got it.
Kirk: [still unimpressed] Harry, what are you doing
here?
Harry: [no longer business-like] Oh well, you see, I got involved in a shipping business for a while-
Kirk: You were smuggling things.
Harry: -but then I ran into some people who didn't…understand my line of work-
Kirk: The Federation caught up to you.
Harry: -so I decided to spend some time planet-side.
Kirk: You went into hiding.
Harry: But after awhile I obtained a ship-
Kirk: You stole a ship.
Harry: -and went out to spread what light I could in this dark galaxy we live in.
Kirk: You went out to swindle people and make a fast buck.
Harry: Goodness, Kirk, you do put such a negative
spin on everything!
Kirk: [sarcastic] So you were being true and honest when you stole my mother's letter.
Harry: Oh yeah.
Kirk: You're stuck here, aren't you?
Harry:
Kirk: You lured us here for some reason.
Harry: All right, I'll level with you.
Native: [off-screen]
Harry: No!
[Screen abruptly dissolves into static.]
Uhura: Harry's power source seems to have been disrupted.
Kirk:
McCoy: Are you sure, Jim?
Kirk: Risky?
McCoy: All right, all right, we'll beam down!
Act I, Scene IV
[Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam onto the planet's surface.
Kirk: [smiles slyly] Bones!
McCoy: [sarcastically] Don't fear, Spock.
Spock: Why should I be afraid?
Kirk: Never mind him.
Narrator: For the unaware, because Captain Kirk spends a
great deal of time in the Mess Hall with his girlfriend, Lt. Carol Collins, he
has come to prefer a wineglass as a weapon over a phaser.
McCoy: [eyeing punk Klingons, who are coming closer]
Kirk: perhaps, but I didn't want to lose any men today.
McCoy: [softly] oh, no…
Kirk: Think of our men, Bones!
McCoy: Jim!
Kirk: You're right, Bones!
McCoy: There's no time!
Kirk: [opens communicator]
Scotty: Aye, Cap'n.
[McCoy and Spock beam up.]
Kirk: [eyeing Klingons, who are now very close]
Act I, Scene V
[We are back in the palace, where Harry sits on his clay
throne.
Harry: If it isn't my good friend!
Kirk: [pushing aside groveling peasants]
Harry: [sarcastically]
Native 2: [interrupting] Your Eminence, bless me, I ask pathetically-
Harry: Not now.
Kirk: You deceived them!
Harry: Never, never!
Kirk: You assumed power as a god and claimed the palace as your own!
Harry: No, no…Ah well, you know me to well, old friend!
Kirk: As I said before, I am no friend of yours!
[Harry approaches the altar behind his throne.
Harry: I'm hurt, I truly am! And after I labored for
countless hours developing this.
Kirk: You mean you stole alien technology.
Harry: [ignores Kirk, and continues towards the altar] It is
something of a gift for you…
[Harry turns the machine on.
Act I, Scene VI
~Stella Arrives~
[Kirk, entering Stage Left, flies backwards, all the way to
Stage Right.
Kirk: [he does not speak.
[Kirk and Woman march back to the temple and enter.
Woman: [angrily, shrill] Harcourt Fenton Mudd!!!!!
Harry: [recoils in terror] St-st- stella?!!!
[Harry tries to turn the machine on, but Stella throws a stick at it, which lodges in the propeller, effectively stopping the machine.]
Stella: Still as useless as ever!
Narrator: Stella, incidentally, is Harry's wife, or more
likely, ex-wife.
[Harry does not move from the altar, frozen in terror.
Harry: Ow!
Stella: Quit whining!
Harry: [being dragged away by Stella, he brandishes a
letter]
Stella: [snapping]
Harry:
[Harry is dragged off-stage by Stella.
Act I, Scene VII
[Spock and McCoy came back down, via shuttlecraft.
Stella: You horrible, horrible man!
Harry: Stella…[word comes with effort] darling, let me study the holy books [points] so that I may spread the-
[Stella looks at him, clearly not buying it.]
Harry: -so that I may swindle the priests out of their treasure, that I may buy diamonds for you…[word comes with effort] sweet.
Stella: diamonds…well, all right.
Harry: why of course…sweetums.
[Stella begins to turn around, very, very slowly.
Stella: [shakes fist at window] Harcourt Fenton Mudd!
Act I, Scene VIII
[Stella stomps out of the palace.
Stella: [angry] That Harcourt!
Kirk: [dazzled by her beautiful mask] Never mind, Stella -may I call you Stella?- he was never good enough for you anyway.
Stella: [eyeing Kirk approvingly; sweetly] Oh, Captain, you say such nice things.
Kirk: Please…call me 'Jim.'
Stella: Wasn't it…oh, I don't know…risky
Kirk: Ah
yes, but then, risks are our business.
Stella: [simpering] Oh Jim, that's such a lovely
speech!
McCoy: [muttering] Stick around.
Stella: You're so brave, Jim.
Kirk: But of course!
McCoy: Well, it's a new one, Jim.
Kirk: [Ignoring McCoy, Kirk takes Stella's arm] Come dear, let us walk in these lovely gardens.
McCoy: Uh, Jim, remember Carol?
Kirk: [gazing into Stella's eyes] Not now, Bones.
[Kirk and Stella walk away, into a grove of trees.]
Spock: [watching] Interesting.
McCoy: [sarcastically] You mean the logical Vulcans actually have a word for lady-killer?
Spock: It is not often used.
[McCoy stares at Spock.]
Act I, Scene IX
Narrator: Kirk and Stella wander through the beautiful
gardens.
[Curtain to Stage Right lights, showing one silhouette.]
Gene: That was a 'derelict' building!
Kirk: [from on-stage] But Gene, think of the risk-
Gene: He can stay!
Narrator: Kirk and Stella pause among beautiful wildflowers-and dandelions- [there is a loud sigh from Stage Right] and sit beneath a large shade tree.
Kirk: Tell me, Stella my sweet, why do you wear that
mask?
Stella: [simpering] Oh, Jim darling, it's to hide my radiant
beauty from those who are undeserving.
[(instantly) There is a crash of thunder, a horse's neigh,
and a girl's scream.
Stella: Kiss me, darling!
Kirk: Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!
Stella: Pumpkin!
Kirk: Aaaaaahhh!!
Stella: Sweetie!
[Kirk runs off, Stage Right, with Stella behind him.
Kirk: [frantic] Beam up!
McCoy: Jim, what's wrong?
Spock: [perfectly calm]
Kirk: [gibbering into communicator] Scotty!
Scotty: Is somethin' wrong, Cap'n?
Kirk: [even more frantic than before] Just beam us up!
Stella: Sweetkins!
Kirk: [flings arms out, drops communicator] Aaaaaaaahhhh!!!!
[Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam out just as Stella grabs for
Kirk.
[Curtain drops on Act I.]
