THE MASK OF STELLA

Disclaimer: With the exception of Carol, the Narrator, the Planet Dedum, the Dedum natives, the sacred gorilla, and Abe, none of this belongs to me.  Not that I'm entirely certain who it does belong to.  Maybe it's Gene's.

CHARACTER LIST

(Author's Note: Even if you know the ins and outs of all the characters who have ever appeared on Star Trek, you still need to read this, because A) there are some original characters, and B) some characters are drastically altered.)

Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Chekov, Sulu, and Uhura: All these characters will be appearing.  However, they are basically unaltered, so I'm not going to write anything about them.

Harry Mudd: Just like in the show.  If you never saw the shows with him, he's a con man.  He's also married (more or less) to Stella.  (see below)

Abe: Abe is a Romulan Destroyer droid.  Sent to attack the Enterprise, he was disabled when Kirk threw a glass of wine at him (he was in the Mess Hall at the time) and the wine damaged his circuitry.  After being reprogrammed by Scotty, he decided to stay on the Enterprise.  Since then, he's taken up golf, and become a good friend of Scotty's.  (Doesn't appear until Act II.)

Lt. Carol Collins: Carol is Kirk's girlfriend, and (surprise, surprise) she's actually human and alive.  Carol is in Starfleet, and presently stationed on the Enterprise.  Just think of her as a combination of all Kirk's girlfriends.

Stella Mudd: You may have heard of her, but changes have been made.  In our story, she is hideously ugly, and wears a mask to hide the fact.  Everything else is explained as you go along.

Kirk's Mother: She isn't in this story, but you should still know a couple things about her that weren't in the show.  She writes frequent letters to Kirk.  In these letters, she calls him 'Sonny' and berates him for not writing to her.

Gene: Never seen on stage, he is the producer, director, and creator of the show.  He spends a great deal of time frustrated, because his characters don't do what he wants them to do.  (Even when the characters are off stage, they don't become actors.  They're still the characters.  Don't ask why.  I don't know either.)

And now, without further ado…

THE MASK OF STELLA

Opening:

Kirk: [voice-only] Captain's Log, Stardate 6834.6:  During my time on the Enterprise, we've been through many terrible…horrible…gut-wrenching experiences.  I-and the crew-have barely escaped with our lives many, many, many times.  We've faced death in many forms and many places…the Klingons…the Romulans…the M-113 creature…the curse of the Vascillating Vowls…but, in our time on Dedum, we faced something far…far worse, than ever before.  Little did we know when we came into orbit that soon we would be face-to-face with…the Mask of Stella!  [ominous thunder]

Act I, Scene I

[Curtain opens on the bridge.  The time is two days before.  The bridge hums with peaceful activity.  McCoy stands next to the command chair, conversing with Kirk. 

McCoy holds a small statue of a brass gorilla.]

Kirk: [skeptical] Tell me again why you have that thing?

McCoy: Remember, Jim?  We got it from the natives on that last planet.  They thought it was a god, and we broke the Prime Directive by telling them their god was actually a computer.  I snagged this little statue on our way out.  The sacred gorilla of Rusalé.  It keeps out evil spirits.

Kirk: Uh-huh.  Wonderful.

McCoy: And anyway, it makes a great souvenir.

Sulu: Captain, we're coming into orbit around Dedum.

McCoy: Why'd we come to this planet anyway?

Kirk: Bones!  I'm shocked!  You know our mission!  To seek out new worlds and new life forms.  To boldly go where no man-

Uhura: Ahem.

Kirk: -or woman-has gone before!  To take risks!  Because risks are our business!  When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: Jim, I've heard it.  Get to the point.

Kirk: We received a distress call from the surface, and decided to check it out.

McCoy: Well, why didn't you say so?

Kirk: Well you see, the plot is only thirty minutes, and we have an hour slot to fill…

Narrator: [The narrator is always seen to Stage Left.  He comes on whenever he has a line to say, and then leaves again.]  To further fill that time-slot, we will now be cutting to a shot of the planet's surface.

Act I, Scene II

Narrator: The view is of a once gleaming-and now grimy- porcelain palace.  It once shimmered-and now melts-in the sun.  Surrounding the palace are small hovels, which look rather like up-turned hats.  [Scene shifts to inside the palace.]  Inside the palace we see none other than Harry Mudd, seated on a throne of mud-that is, clay.

[Curtain to stage right lights from behind.  Silhouette of a person is seen.  As more people join him, more silhouettes are seen.]

Voice from off-stage: That is it!  We're dumping this narrator!

Kirk: [from off-stage] Now, Gene, you know we can't do that.  Think of the time-slot, Gene.  Think of the time-slot.  Think of the lives affected by firing this man!  It's a big risk, Gene!  But then, of course, risks are our business.  When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: [from off-stage] Jim, you're doing it again.

Gene: If it will keep you from saying that corny line we'll keep the narrator.

Kirk: But Gene, that line is important!  Think of the money!  Think of the revenues!  Think of the risks if we cut that line!  But then, risks are-

[There is a flurry of activity behind the curtain, then a resounding thud.  One of the silhouettes slumps to the floor.]

McCoy: Do you think he'll wake up in time for his next scene?

Gene: Sure.  Haul him down to Sickbay and patch him back together.

McCoy: [picking up one end of fallen silhouette] I could use some help carrying him down there.

Gene: Oh, sure.  [picks up other end]  Just don't ask me to help once we get to Sickbay.  I'm a producer, not a doctor.

McCoy: Isn't that my line?

[Meanwhile on stage, everyone has been standing around looking impatient.]

Harry: Excuse me, but could we get on with my [he twirls his mustache] big scene?

Gene: Oh, yeah sure.  Narrator, you're on.  [Light behind curtain dims.  Silhouettes can no longer be seen.]

Narrator: Inside the palace we see none other than Harry Mudd, seated on a throne of clay.  Scores of natives bow before him.  Behind him is a block of once gleaming-and still gleaming-silver.  However, Harry is bored.

Harry: [sighing loudly] I never thought I'd say it, but being stranded on this planet with thousands of people who think I'm a god is remarkably boring.

[A native approaches and bows before Harry.]

Native: Oh great god Mudd, my only wish is to serve.  Tell your humble servant what it is you wish.

Harry: Do you have any beautiful dancing girls?

Native: [uncomfortable] Ah, well, no.

Harry: Do you have any gold or jewels?

Native: No, we don't have that either.

Harry: Do you have a ship that can take me to where there are beautiful dancing girls and gold and jewels?

Native: Well, no, not really.  [brightening] But we do have beautiful pottery!  Would you like to see some of it?

Harry: [sighing] I have got to get off this planet.  [brightening]  But, never mind.  My scheme to capture the Enterprise is almost complete!  Bring me my papers!  I wish to impress you with my wonderfully clever plans!

Native: Immediately if not sooner, your Eminence!

[The Native leaves, and returns with large clay tablets.]

Harry: Clay tablets!  [looks not amused]  I suppose…here, let me review my plan.  [picks up tablets]  Phase One has just been completed.  Any moment now, Lodar and Kothak will arrive with the thing Kirk values most…well, actually that would be the Enterprise, but they stole the thing he values second most, his girlfriend, Lt. Carol Collins!

[Kothak and Lodar, two punk Klingons, enter.  They do not have a girl.]

Narrator: You will note that Kothak and Lodar are punk Klingons; that is, Klingons who have decided to shave their heads.  We don't know why they are on Dedum.  They just are.  [loud sigh from off-stage]

Harry: [upset] What is this?!  Where is Lt. Collins?!

Lodar: She was out of our league.

Kothak: But we did get this.  [He pulls out a letter.]  A letter from the Captain's mother!

Harry: Hmm.  [curls mustache]  I can still have leverage!  [bursts into semi-moronic laughter]  I will now use this silver-block as a power-source to communicate with the Enterprise, and so put into motion Phase Two!

[Harry turns around to get the block, but sees two natives moving it.]

Harry: What are you doing?  Why are you moving the block?

Native 2: It's not in alignment with the stars, Eminence!

Harry: [fuming] If you move it now, it won't be in the right position to contact the Enterprise.  Move it later.

Native 2 & 3: Yes, your Eminence!  [smile widely at each other]

Act I, Scene III

[The scene is once again on the bridge of the Enterprise, which is still in orbit around Dedum.  Everything is much the same as it was in Scene I, but now Kirk has a barely discernible lump at the back of his head.]

Uhura: Sir, we're receiving a transmission from the planet's surface.

Kirk: Put it on the main screen.

Narrator: And so, they finally beheld the face of the man on the planet, the face of none other than-

[Harry Mudd appears on screen.]

All (except Spock): [surprised] Harry Mudd!

Harry: So good of you to remember me.  But, to business!  [he brandishes an envelope]  I have the letter from your mother, Kirk!  If you do not give me safe passage to any planet of my choice, I will destroy it!

Kirk: [completely unimpressed] You're bluffing.

Harry: Perhaps, but is that a risk you're willing to take?

All (except Spock and Kirk): [under breath] Oh, no!

Kirk: A risk?  Risks are our business!  When man first looked at the stars-

Harry: [pained] Uh, yeah, I got it.  Now then, I am not afraid to burn this letter!

Kirk: [still unimpressed] Harry, what are you doing here?  I thought we left you on the other side of the quadrant.

Harry: [no longer business-like] Oh well, you see, I got involved in a shipping business for a while-

Kirk: You were smuggling things.

Harry: -but then I ran into some people who didn't…understand my line of work-

Kirk: The Federation caught up to you.

Harry: -so I decided to spend some time planet-side.

Kirk: You went into hiding.

Harry: But after awhile I obtained a ship-

Kirk: You stole a ship.

Harry: -and went out to spread what light I could in this dark galaxy we live in.

Kirk: You went out to swindle people and make a fast buck.

Harry: Goodness, Kirk, you do put such a negative spin on everything!  Anyway, after landing on this planet, I decided to remain here with these simple faith-filled people who have shown me the light!  Who have shown me the way of truth and honesty!

Kirk: [sarcastic] So you were being true and honest when you stole my mother's letter.

Harry: Oh yeah.  That.  Um, well, that was a, uh, joke.  Yes, a harmless joke!  I, Harry Mudd, have gone…[word comes with an effort] straight, and wish only to remain on this peaceful planet!

Kirk: You're stuck here, aren't you?

Harry:  I heard you were in the neighborhood, and decided to give you, my good friends, a call.

Kirk: You lured us here for some reason.  Harry, you haven't gone straight; you could barely say the word!  What do you want?

Harry: All right, I'll level with you.  The truth is- [Harry is distracted by something off-screen.  He shouts to someone also off screen.]  Wait!  Wait!  No!  Don't do that!

Native: [off-screen]  But it must be in proper alignment!

Harry: No!  Don't move-

[Screen abruptly dissolves into static.]

Uhura: Harry's power source seems to have been disrupted.

Kirk:  Hmm.  Interesting.  [stands up]  Spock, Bones, you're with me.  We're beaming down.  Harry's up to something, and I want to know what.

McCoy: Are you sure, Jim?  Beaming down could be-

Kirk: Risky?  Yes, but of course, risks are our business!  When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: All right, all right, we'll beam down!

Act I, Scene IV

[Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam onto the planet's surface.  They are outside the ceramic palace.  Punk Klingons are approaching.]

Kirk: [smiles slyly] Bones!  Klingons!  Punk Klingons!

McCoy: [sarcastically] Don't fear, Spock.

Spock: Why should I be afraid?  It is highly illogical to even suggest-

Kirk: Never mind him.  Spock, we must deal with these…hooligans…[searches coat, bag] now, where is my wineglass?

Narrator: For the unaware, because Captain Kirk spends a great deal of time in the Mess Hall with his girlfriend, Lt. Carol Collins, he has come to prefer a wineglass as a weapon over a phaser.  You see, he throws the wine glass at people, which has proven to be surprisingly effective.

McCoy: [eyeing punk Klingons, who are coming closer]  Maybe we should have brought some security personnel with us.  You know, some of those big burly young men in red shirts.

Kirk: perhaps, but I didn't want to lose any men today.  They're at risk every time they beam down…

McCoy: [softly] oh, no…

Kirk: Think of our men, Bones!  Think of their lives, of their families!  Think of the risks!  But then, risks are our business!  [still searching coat for wineglass]  When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: Jim!  The Klingons!  Where's your wineglass?!

Kirk: You're right, Bones!  I think I left it on the ship!

McCoy: There's no time!  Quick!  Beam one of us up!  We'll get it for you!

Kirk: [opens communicator]  Scotty!  We've got an emergency!  Beam up Spock…or Bones…or both!  Just do something quick, before-

Scotty: Aye, Cap'n.  Right away!

[McCoy and Spock beam up.]

Kirk: [eyeing Klingons, who are now very close]  You know, I think I should have gone up to.  [Punk Klingons charge Kirk.]

Act I, Scene V

[We are back in the palace, where Harry sits on his clay throne.  Punk Klingons carry Kirk in.]

Harry: If it isn't my good friend!

Kirk: [pushing aside groveling peasants]  I am no friend of yours!

Harry: [sarcastically]  I'm hurt!

Native 2: [interrupting] Your Eminence, bless me, I ask pathetically-

Harry: Not now.  [claps hands in the air twice.  All the peasants in the hall leave.]  You know, Kirk, it's funny, all the natives here have mistaken me for some sort of god!

Kirk: You deceived them!

Harry: Never, never!  I humbly took up residence in this rundown building.

Kirk: You assumed power as a god and claimed the palace as your own!

Harry: No, no…Ah well, you know me to well, old friend!

Kirk: As I said before, I am no friend of yours!

[Harry approaches the altar behind his throne.  On it is a large block, covered with a moth-eaten cloth.]

Harry: I'm hurt, I truly am! And after I labored for countless hours developing this.  [points towards block]

Kirk: You mean you stole alien technology.

Harry: [ignores Kirk, and continues towards the altar] It is something of a gift for you…  [unfurls it to reveal a beautifully inlaid cabinet with two medium size doors with cryptic writing on them]  Yes, something of a gift.  It is attuned to your mental pathways, your personality…your most dominant characteristic in particular.  You see, it amplifies your ego, your…hot air!  [opens doors to reveal a sinister looking propeller]  Here try it.  The setting is low.

[Harry turns the machine on.  Kirk is blown out of the temple.]

Act I, Scene VI

~Stella Arrives~

[Kirk, entering Stage Left, flies backwards, all the way to Stage Right.  He lands at the feet of a seemingly beautiful woman.  She is wearing a cloak and a beautiful mask, of a young and beautiful girl.  She looks at Kirk but does not speak.]

Kirk: [he does not speak.  This is just his voice, with a slight hollow tone, as a thought] she must wear a mask to protect her loveliness from the harshness of nature!

[Kirk and Woman march back to the temple and enter.  The woman spots Harry by the machine.]

Woman: [angrily, shrill] Harcourt Fenton Mudd!!!!!

Harry: [recoils in terror] St-st- stella?!!!

[Harry tries to turn the machine on, but Stella throws a stick at it, which lodges in the propeller, effectively stopping the machine.]

Stella: Still as useless as ever!  What kind of god do the natives take you for?  Simpering twit!  And what is that outfit you're wearing?  Change immediately, you look like a fool!  [takes a good look at the altar and throne]  Get down from there!  A god?  Seriously, you embarrass me!

Narrator: Stella, incidentally, is Harry's wife, or more likely, ex-wife.  No one's certain, just as they are not certain why Harry married her to begin with, since she terrifies him.

[Harry does not move from the altar, frozen in terror.  Stella jumps up and, grabbing him by the ear, drags him down.]

Harry: Ow!  Ow!  Ow!

Stella: Quit whining!  I have been trying to get you, Harcourt!  Do you know how long I've been trying to track you down?  Leaving me behind on Altair II!  What were you thinking, Harry?  Huh?!

Harry: [being dragged away by Stella, he brandishes a letter]  I'll deal with you later, Kirk!  I still have your mother's letter!  [laughs semi-maniacally, but ends up sounding semi-moronic]

Stella: [snapping]  Oh, Harcourt!  Stop that this instant!

Harry:  But Stella!

[Harry is dragged off-stage by Stella.  Kirk stares in disbelief.]

Act I, Scene VII

[Spock and McCoy came back down, via shuttlecraft.  They and Kirk are shown loitering in the town square.  The scene shifts to a small room in the palace.  Note the large window.]

Stella: You horrible, horrible man!

Harry: Stella…[word comes with effort] darling, let me study the holy books [points] so that I may spread the-

[Stella looks at him, clearly not buying it.]

Harry: -so that I may swindle the priests out of their treasure, that I may buy diamonds for you…[word comes with effort] sweet.

Stella: diamonds…well, all right.  [harshly] but stay right here!  [points at floor]

Harry: why of course…sweetums.  [close-up on Harry's back: he has his fingers crossed]

[Stella begins to turn around, very, very slowly.  Harry watches her with growing pain, as she is turning to slowly for him.  Finally her back is completely too him.  Harry leaps out the window and disappears.  Stella hears the noise and turns, to find him gone.]

Stella: [shakes fist at window] Harcourt Fenton Mudd!

Act I, Scene VIII

[Stella stomps out of the palace.  She approaches Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, who are still loitering in the town square.]

Stella: [angry] That Harcourt!  He ran off again!

Kirk: [dazzled by her beautiful mask] Never mind, Stella -may I call you Stella?- he was never good enough for you anyway.

Stella: [eyeing Kirk approvingly; sweetly] Oh, Captain, you say such nice things.

Kirk: Please…call me 'Jim.'  [He smiles winningly.]

Stella: Wasn't it…oh, I don't know…risky  [McCoy moans] beaming down here?

Kirk: Ah yes, but then, risks are our business.  When man first looked at the stars-

Stella: [simpering] Oh Jim, that's such a lovely speech!  So brave!  So wise!  I could listen to you say it a thousand times!

McCoy: [muttering] Stick around.  You'll hear it a thousand times.

Stella: You're so brave, Jim.

Kirk: But of course!  Bravery is our business!  When man first took to the seas-

McCoy: Well, it's a new one, Jim.

Kirk: [Ignoring McCoy, Kirk takes Stella's arm] Come dear, let us walk in these lovely gardens.

McCoy: Uh, Jim, remember Carol?  Your girlfriend?  Who you're supposed to meet in the Mess Hall later?  Carol?

Kirk: [gazing into Stella's eyes] Not now, Bones.

[Kirk and Stella walk away, into a grove of trees.]

Spock: [watching] Interesting.  His middle initial is 'T.' It must stand for 'Tiberus,' a word from ancient Vulcan meaning 'lady-killer.'

McCoy: [sarcastically] You mean the logical Vulcans actually have a word for lady-killer?

Spock: It is not often used.  Only about once every seven years.

[McCoy stares at Spock.]

Act I, Scene IX

Narrator: Kirk and Stella wander through the beautiful gardens.  Strangely, "Paradise," as it is called, is inhabited by a Klingon at a desk, a Borg by a pool, and a, uh, falling-apart building.

[Curtain to Stage Right lights, showing one silhouette.]

Gene: That was a 'derelict' building!  That's it!  This guy is out!

Kirk: [from on-stage] But Gene, think of the risk-

Gene: He can stay!  He can stay!  [curtain dims]

Narrator: Kirk and Stella pause among beautiful wildflowers-and dandelions- [there is a loud sigh from Stage Right] and sit beneath a large shade tree.

Kirk: Tell me, Stella my sweet, why do you wear that mask?  [ominous thunder]  Hmm.  Strange weather they have around here.  But tell me, why do you wear that mask?  [ominous thunder]

Stella: [simpering] Oh, Jim darling, it's to hide my radiant beauty from those who are undeserving.  But for you, sweetie…  [Stella flings her mask down, smashing it in the process.  She is hideously ugly]

[(instantly) There is a crash of thunder, a horse's neigh, and a girl's scream.  Kirk screams.]

Stella: Kiss me, darling!

Kirk: Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!  [Kirk jumps fifteen feet, straight up, twists in mid-air, and comes down running.]

Stella: Pumpkin!

Kirk: Aaaaaahhh!!  [runs frantically away.  Stella pursues.]

Stella: Sweetie!

[Kirk runs off, Stage Right, with Stella behind him.  The scene shifts to where Spock and McCoy are standing.  Kirk runs up to them, from Stage Right.]

Kirk: [frantic] Beam up!  Beam up!

McCoy: Jim, what's wrong?  [Stella enters]  Oh, Lord, no!

Spock: [perfectly calm]  Hmm.  Very interesting.

Kirk: [gibbering into communicator] Scotty!  Beam us up!  Now!  Hurry!  What's taking so long?!

Scotty: Is somethin' wrong, Cap'n?

Kirk: [even more frantic than before] Just beam us up!  Hurry, man!

Stella: Sweetkins!  [leaps for Kirk with open arms]

Kirk: [flings arms out, drops communicator] Aaaaaaaahhhh!!!!

[Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam out just as Stella grabs for Kirk.  Stella is left behind in the town square.]

[Curtain drops on Act I.]