We only chose to borrow these characters for a bit to do what we enjoy doing. All that we own is our lovely plot! No
copyright infrigment is intended in any way shape or form.
With that out of the way...
Title: Imitor Vita Pro Amor (Imitating Life For Love)
Authors: Peroxide Pest and Nocturne Wytche, AKA Celeste and Debbie
Spoilers: All Seasons
Dedications: Well, I'd like to say thanks to all those wonderful S/B
writers out there that have inspired me and my sister to come
outta our shells and see what y'all think of our lil fics. We'd
probably like to thank each other for putting up with each other and
the sort, and of course for being so good at writing together, you
can barely tell where one of us begins and one ends. Also, to
our sister, Keren, who still loves Angel, we forgive you :P Lea,
thanks for all the help and support, blessed be sister.
Summary: A few unsuspected visitors come back to good ol' SunnyD and
cause some more havoc in our favorite slayer's life.
She must also decide where her feelings for Spike lay. A run
in with a demon changes things for Spike. S/B
Rated: R just to be safe
Note: songs come into a lot of play in the next few chapters,
just to let you all know. Sorry if it becomes a nuisance, but hey
its the music of our character's hearts :P Or something to that
affect... Plus, it leads to plenty of s/b romantic tension, which
we
all love! Also, no copyright infringement intended on these beautiful
songs, that are the backgrounds to the soul of this story :)
P.S.: We've also come to notice that Spike purring...is a GREAT thing :P *EG*
Without further blabbings:
Imitor Vita Pro Amor
Part 9
Spike skidded to a stop near the new end of the cemetery just
at the border to the woods, where all the fresh headstones were being plotted.
His keen eyes searched the dark, seeing something sparking like lightning
just ahead. He sprinted towards it, and the sound of electricity
charging and zapping rang in his ears. And as he stumbled upon the
scene, he came to see a young girl near Dawn's age was lying on the floor,
eyes wide and frightened. She was crying and backing up against a
headstone. The look on her face made him think of his Platelet, and he
growled internally.
Spike followed the girl's gaze to a tall demon with blue, yellow
and white light illuminating off of its skin, like a freakishly twisted
variation on the Aurora Borealis. He sizzled and buzzed with electricity.
"What the bloody hell are you?!" Spike questioned, puzzled face on.
The demon didn't speak but instead, the buzzing grew louder and a bolt
of electricity zapped out, setting a patch of grass at Spike's feet on
fire.
The girl screamed again as a small flame erupted. Spike moved
quickly, rushing to her side and keeping a wary eye on his opponent, who's
crackling seemed to grow louder with each passing second. He lifted
her from the ground as if she weighed nothing. Making his voice gentle,
so as not to frighten the poor lamb anymore than she had already been,
he looked into her eyes. "Can you run?"
She nodded, wide eyes on the demon, not Spike.
"Then go on, get out of here..." Spike ordered, shoving her
away from the monster.
She ran off, not looking back. "Now... how to get rid of
you..." Spike turned his game face on. "What I wouldn't give for
a giant wall outlet to zap you into right now... you'd probably bloody
power Sunnyhell for weeks!"
The demon zapped another bolt at Spike, sending him scurrying
out of the way. "Ya missed, General Electric..." Spike chuckled, though
the shot had come alarmingly close. He suddenly froze, his undead
heart breaking. He frowned thinking how much he sounded like the
slayer.
In his moment of weakness, the demon caught him off guard
and sent another bolt of electricity at the vampire.
This time Spike couldn't jump out of the way quickly enough.
The bolt hit him and he feared catching fire and becoming a smoldering
pile of gray dust. He vibrated with the shock of the blow, and was
vaguely aware of the smell of burning hair. Another jolt sent him
falling to the ground, smoke coming from his head. The vampire twitched
in shock, the pain overcoming him. His whole body trembled as the
white-hot current ran through his long dead veins, coursing through every
inch of him. He cursed into the night air before passing out from
the pain in his head.
The demon moved towards the intruder it had knocked unconscious,
as if wanting to touch it. But it suddenly reared back, realizing that
the form held no life. It lacked the energy its master was searching for.
So the hulking ball of condensed electricity left the demon lying there,
because it would serve no purpose. It required life energy.
It was nearly 2am when Buffy finally left his chair, taking
his tear stained shirt with her. She slammed the crypt door close behind
her with a finality. As much as she wanted to believe Spike would
be back, she wouldn't allow herself to get her hopes up. They never came
back.
She'd walked home in record time, and all she wanted to
do was get in her bed and close her scratchy, bloodshot eyes. One
part of her was still in shock and disbelief while the other was numb to
all thoughts or feeling. She hadn't felt so upset since Glory had
taken Dawn from her. If someone had seen her at that moment, they
would have realized Buffy has the same wide-eyed tortured expression on
her face now as she had then.
She slipped in the front door, locking it behind her.
She was about to slip quietly up the stairs when Dawn appeared out of the
shadows of the living room. "Buffy??"
She didn't even jump or react to her sister's sudden presence.
She just turned her wide eyes towards the young girl, biting her lip.
Dawn saw her sister's distraught expression and for a moment,
she dreaded that they'd fought again, and Buffy had killed Spike.
"Oh God, what happened Buffy? Where's Spike?!" Buffy stared
blankly at the younger girl. She didn't know how to break it to Dawn.
It would shatter her heart.
She gripped her shoulders. "Buffy, you're scaring me!
Tell me what happened?!"
"I'm sorry Dawnie. He...he's gone..." she stuttered her
voice raspy.
"What?" Dawn's heart plummeted to her feet. Tears immediately
filled her eyes. "What do you mean?!"
"He was already gone by the time I got there. I was too
late, Dawnie. Spike left," Buffy explained, trying to keep calm,
but seeing her sister so upset was making her cry all over again.
"Nooooo...." Dawn howled, stomping her feet. She felt
cold inside. "HE CAN'T BE GONE!"
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." Buffy repeated over and over,
touching her shoulder.
Dawn shook off her hand like she'd been burned. "Don't
touch me! It's all your fault!! This is ALL YOUR fault Buffy!!
You made him leave!"
"I didn't mean to!" she said with sincerity. "I didn't!"
"It's your fault! I'll never forgive you for this!
NEVER!" Dawn threatened with venom. "Never!" she stormed up the stairs,
slamming her bedroom door shut.
Buffy's shoulder's shook with sorrow. She'd really screwed
up. She felt lost and alone for the first time in a long time.
She stepped up the stairs slowly, walking into her room and stood with
her arms wrapped around herself. She closed her eyes, wishing she
could feel Spike close by, but she felt nothing at all. He was no
place close. She threw his shirt on her bed and turned on her radio,
slipping into bed beside the shirt. She curled up against it, breathing
in the scent.
Her mind drifted to tonight again, dancing with him. Everything
seemed so different, like they were 2 different people then. Like
the world around them didn't exist.
I have a smile
Stretched from ear to ear
To see you walking down the road
We meet at the lights
I stare for a while
The world around us disappears
When they'd danced tonight nothing else seemed to matter. They held each other close and for once, it hadn't seemed as wrong as it was supposed to. In fact, it had felt right. They were two in the same. Had she seen it sooner, maybe things would be different.
Just you and me
On this island of hope
A breath between us could be miles
Let me surround you
My sea to your shore
Let me be the calm you seek
She knew she cared for Spike. She wouldn't deny that anymore. Whether it was love or not, she wasn't sure. She wanted to know, wanted to discover what reasons the vampire had to choose to be good; why he chose to love the one person he should never love, why he was all the things he was. But now, she wasn't sure she'd ever find out.
Oh and every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away
And I forgot
To tell you
I love you
She closed her eyes so tight they burned. She huffed, breathing heavily from crying. "Spike...please come back..." she begged. But she knew the plea was empty. They never came back.
And the night's
Too long
And cold here
Without you
I grieve in my condition
For I cannot find the strength to say I need you so
She could be the slayer, and show such physical strength, such emotional strength to battle demons everyday and risk her life. It all seemed so routine and easy that she never thought she had a weakness. Her weakness was the inability to admit she needed help sometimes and that she needed love. A cold chill made her shiver and she grew uncomfortable. She was so alone.
Oh and every time I'm close to you
There's too much I can't say
And you just walk away
And I forgot
To tell you
I love you
And the night's
Too long
And cold here
Without you
Spike's eyes shot open and he gasped for air that he didn't
need. He felt odd right away. His head was pounding and searing.
His undead heart accelerated for a moment, and his lungs filled with air.
Then it all went black and his heart stopped and he no longer needed to
breathe. He was scared with the momentary brush with life. It must
have been some type of side effect to the electrocution. He was just
glad it hadn't been hot enough to torch him completely. Though he
was sure he was burned in some places. He groaned, his whole body
aching. He moved his legs, trying to sit up. The world moved
in circles and for a moment he thought he'd drank too much had a real bad
hangover. But the searing pain in his head was so different than
anything he'd felt before. He put a hand to his head and he hissed
from the heat scorching his hand. He finally got his feet under him
and stood.
"Spike!!" Buffy's voice filled his ears.
He stared ahead, eyes trying to focus. "Buffy?"
He stumbled forward, nearly falling over. "That you, luv?"
"Oh God, Spike, what happened to you?!" Buffy panicked looking
over his burns. Even his hair was singed.
"Some electric problems..." Spike shrugged. He leaned
into the petite blonds arms. "I'll be all right now luv, you're here..."
"Oh Spike, I'll take care of you..." she hugged him close.
He smiled. "I need you Buffy. I need you so much.
I love you. I can't live without you..." he purred.
"Spike... I love you too!" Buffy proclaimed.
He smiled, resting his weight on her. He felt so serene,
so calm.
Suddenly her voice was screeching at him. "Get off!
Get off me!!"
Spike's head shot up and he was no longer in Buffy's arms, but
the young girl he'd saved from the demon. He stared with confusion
at her, stumbling back. "What the..."
"I... I think you're delusional mister..." she glared at him.
"I came back to see if you were okay. I wanted to thank you for helping
me..."
Spike focused on the dark haired, short girl with some difficulty.
She was slightly blurry. "Er, no problem..."
"Looks like that thing electrocuted you...." she frowned.
"You're all singed. You feel okay, other than the delusions?"
"Just peachy," Spike hissed, his head throbbing.
"Maybe we should take you to a hospital. It's nearly dawn.
If we hurry we'll beat the morning rush..." the girl offered.
"No!" Spike stepped back. "I'll be fine. You run
on home..."
"C'mon mister, you saved my life! At least lemme help you!"
The girl grabbed his arm and started tugging.
"No!" Spike shouted, tossing her off with more force than he
had intended.
She hit the ground with a soft thud. "Ow!"
He waited for the shock in his brain from the chip. But
there was nothing. No shock, no pain. Spike hit his head, wondering
if he'd been dreaming this too.
"Hey, that hurt!" the girl huffed.
"Sor....sorry..." Spike shook his head. The throbbing
was lessening and his eyesight was clearer. His vamp powers were
already at work, helping to heal this horrid headache. But
what about the chip... He picked the girl up and let her fall to
the ground again.
"Hey! Ow! Whats the big idea?!" she shouted.
Nothing. Nothing at all. No zap, no pinch, no pain.
Spike chuckled. "What the... Cor? Could it
be?"
"Okay, I really think you need some help. Other than the
white hair, black nails bit. You're like psycho... That electric
bolt really musta got you good..." the girl stood.
"Cor! The bloody electricity short-circuited it!
The sodden chip is deactivated! I'm not a bloody poof wanker no more!"
Spike cried out for joy.
"Okay..." the girl raised her brows.
The sun started peaking through the clouds. He didn't
have much time. He needed to get moving. "Thanks for coming
back," Spike told the girl. "I'm fine, go on home."
She shrugged, "You sure?"
He nodded, still wearing his silly little school-boy grin.
"Okay then. Thanks again..." She didn't wait this time,
before taking off.
Spike bit his lip, subduing his smile long enough to think about
this seriously. What was going to do now? He wanted so badly
to run to the slayer and tell her his good news. But... good grief...she'd
never trust him if she knew. She might even stake him! She
believed all this time that it was just the sodding chip that kept him
from killing her and her friends. He snorted, thinking of how she
put it. A serial killer in prison. No… he couldn't go to Buffy.
She'd think the 'big bad' was back and he'd be a ruthless murderer in her
eyes again. For a brief moment, Spike thought about it. He COULD
go back to killing people now if he wanted to. Not that he would.
The slayer changed him too much. She was in his gut, in his heart.
For her, he'd still harm no one, because he couldn't stand to have to see
that look on her face again, the one that told him he was the most disgusting
dreg of the earth and defended no less than being squashed beneath the
heel of a fashionable poof. He didn't know if he'd be able to live with
himself if she ever looked at him like that again. He laughed bitterly
to himself. It had never been the bloody chip that turned him to the good
side; it had been her. Hell, it was always about her. It was
because he loved Buffy.
And she'd never feel the same. So he'd do what was best
for them both. The situation tonight hadn't changed anything. He was still
going to follow his initial plan, because now, it seemed even MORE sensible
than before. He needed to leave, to sort things out without Buffy or Nibblet,
or the Scoobies' influences. This had to be about him, his choice. He strode
fast, back towards the DeSoto. In minutes the windows were covered
in black, leaving the inside safe from the sunlight. He sat in the
driver's seat, turning the engine. The radio blared in his ears and
for a moment he sat.
What ravages of spirit
conjured this tempestuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...
He knew Buffy's trust was in the chip and part of Spike feared what she may do now that the chip gone. A part of him was also afraid of himself, the raging killer he knew living inside of him that could burst out at any second if he wasn't careful. And Spike knew he'd never purposely endanger Dawn or Buffy, not if he could help it. He put the car in drive and pulled out, tires screeching, from the lot.
And I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize
He sped up his car, burning rubber down the streets of Sunnydale as fast as he could. Where he'd go now and what he'd do was a toss up. He needed to find someplace to stay till sunset though. He needed to escape and he didn't know what led him to believe leaving Sunnydale would make his feelings for Buffy, or the awful uncertainty that was his future, disappear.
That I don't know how
To let you go
I don't know how
To let you go
He'd never escape the love for the slayer. He'd never be able to let go of it. He'd never run from anything in his life, until now. He ran and he'd keep on running.
A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
And I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
The Sunnydale sign flew by as he left the town behind,
and his heart.
Dawn sighed and turned on the clock radio on her table before plopping full length onto her bed and swiping ineffectually at a few tears that lingered on her face. She had felt bad about yelling at Buffy the moment she had slammed the door to her room, but damn it, if her sister would just see what the rest of the world already knew! She sniffed and pulled open her nightstand drawer, as the little radio played, pulling out a bundle of pictures from the side. Spike had hated taking pictures, but one flash of the puppy-dog face and he was hers to do as she pleased with. She'd begged the others to do her little photo session, because it was something she'd needed in lieu of Buffy's death. It helped her forget the bad that her life was for a just a little while, and helped her remember everything her sister had sacrificed herself for. She'd invited Spike, even though the others had been against it back then, but she'd convinced them to let him come. She'd needed him to be there. And as always, he'd came. She had even gotten a picture of him flashing an exaggerated piece sign and his "blank, happy surfer" face. He had been making fun of the way Xander hammed up for the photos and she had turned it on him unrepentantly, capturing the moment forever. He had vehemently tried to get the film back, but she'd begged for him to let her keep it, on the basis that she would show no one once it had been developed.
Didn't they say that I would make a mistake
Didn't they say you were gonna be trouble
People told me you were too much to take
I couldn't see it, I didn't wanna know
I let you in, and you let me down
You messed me up and you turned my life around
You left me feeling I had nowhere to go
I was alone, how was I to know that
She smiled a bit as she began to flip through the thick stack of pictures. It had been something of a habit that she'd picked up after her sister had died. She had realized then, how short and precious life was, and strove to preserve every moment of it so one day, she could look back and smile when she remembered.
You'd be there, when I needed somebody
You'd be there, the only one who could help me
She wondered where he would go, if he would ever come back.
She wondered if he would think about her out in the world by himself, and
remember. He had a picture of them all, the Scoobies and him. She had given
it to him and he had acted like it was an insignificant little thing that
he'd never wanted in the first place, but she knew he kept it in his wallet.
He'd never been able to hide anything from her. She had several rolls of
pictures, of him and of the others. She feared they would be the only things
she had of his, from now on.
Buffy knocked softly on the other side of the door, hearing
her sister's music and the occasional sniff, evidence of crying. Dawn had
the tendency to switch on music when she was feeling any emotion of any
kind strongly. She supposed it helped her cope. "Dawnie?" she called, her
voice loud enough to be heard over the music.
Dawn didn't answer, still too shocked at Buffy to want
to see her. She knew her sister wouldn't barge in on her unless there was
danger, and she had learned long ago not to compromise a fifteen-year old's
privacy.
There was silence for a while, and Buffy just stood by
the door, listening to loud the music, knowing that Dawn would let her
in, eventually. They needed to talk, about her, about Spike.
I had a picture of you in my mind
Never knew it could be so wrong
Why'd it take me so long just to find
The friend that was there all along
Buffy sighed, blinking back more of her own tears. She had thought she'd cried herself out at the crypt, but apparently not. She wanted to blame it on Dawn's stupid mind reading radio. Her fingertips brushed the door, and she wondered how often Spike had stood outside this very door while she herself had been gone, waiting Dawn out. She knew he must have done it, could see it in her mind's eye. For every time he had tried to kill her, for every time that he had made her life miserable, it was nothing compared to every time he had made her mom laugh, saved her friends, or took care of her sister. She knew he had been there every step of the way during the hard times for Dawn. Willow had told her they were there for each other, because otherwise, they wouldn't have made it. And now, she'd driven him away.
Who'd believe that after all we've been through
I'd be able to put my trust in you
Goes to show you can forgive and forget
Looking back I have no regrets 'cause
You'd be there, when I needed somebody
You'd be there, the only one who could help me
I had a picture of you in my mind
Never knew it could be so wrong
Why'd it take me so long just to find?
The friend that was there all along
Dawn knew Buffy was still there, waiting, being silent and letting her gather herself. She knew they needed to talk, and she tried to remember that she was supposed to be angry with her sister for driving away the one thing she didn't think would ever leave her. But all she could find herself to be was sad. A little lost. She wished he was here, hugging her in that awkward, but tender way he did, and murmuring in her ear, telling her it was all right. He could almost picture him there now, telling her to talk to big sis, because she needed to talk to somebody about what had happened. She could hear him telling her he'd be there for them soon; that he just needed a little time away. She heard him tell her he loved her, too.
You'd be there, when I needed somebody
You'd be there, the only one who could help me
Dawn sighed and turned down the radio a little, grabbing
a Kleenex out of her box and wiping her face. "Come in," she said, her
voice thick. She coughed a little to clear it.
Buffy didn't hesitate and slipped in through the door
like a shadow. So many times Spike had done the same thing, Dawn mused.
She sat on the edge of the girl's bed and looked at her, eyes luminous
in the dim light of Dawn's beside lamp.
I had a picture of you in my mind
Never knew it could be so wrong
Why'd it take me so long just to find
The friend that was there all along
I had a picture of you in my mind
Never knew it could be so wrong
Why'd it take me so long just to find
The friend that was there all along
The slayer sighed and turned the radio off with a click after the song finished, and looked at her sister. "We need to talk about this."
He drove in silence for 30 miles, alone with his thoughts on the open road. It did not bode well for other motorists. He growled and searched around for the tape Dawn had kept in here, some odd collection of music she had made when she told him his cassettes were lame. He was missing her and big sis already, and he thought maybe something of hers would ease the hurt a little.
We've been walking in the same situation
We've been walking down the lonely road
Try to find the world, what can I tell you
All my feelings that you just won't let go
And I don't know how, and I don't know why
But I can't stop now until I make you mine
"Oh god, not another boy band," he muttered under his breath.
To lazy to change it, he let it go. When Dawn played her music in his car,
she'd bobbed her head along and more often than not sang along, though
the poor girl really couldn't sing a note. For some odd reason it had been
beautiful to him anyway. He groaned to himself. This wasn't helping any,
thinking of her, and promises broken and failures, and abandoning her.
Grabbing a beer, he vamped out and sunk his teeth into the top, before
spitting the cap out the open window of the car. He supposed being a bloodsucker
was good for something.
He nearly laughed aloud to himself, if his subconscious
didn't tell him laughing to oneself was weird. That had been the first
time since he'd been changed that he wanted to be human again. He suddenly
realized how much he wanted to walk in the sunlight with Buffy, maybe give
her that family. Create some life amidst so much death. It was a silly
notion, he knew, but he'd always had an incredible imagination when it
came to his fantasies.
Can you imagine you and me
Falling in love so tenderly?
Can you imagine that we are one?
That we are one
Every moment goes by
I find another reason why
That you and I should be lost in love
Can you imagine girl?
Before it had just been Buffy loving him. Now, it was about giving her everything possible that could ever make her happy. He dreamed as he drove, picturing picnics in the park, little blond haired boys and girls running around screaming, laughing, crying, birthday parties and coming home after a long day at work. It should have been disgusting and outright disturbing. Since when had he wanted more than just love?
Every night goes as I lay here dreaming
I imagine that you are here with me
Have to wonder do share this feeling
Have you ever thought how we would be
If you have a doubt
I'll make it right
Cause I can't stop now until I make you mine
Snorting, he downed half of his beer. He'd always been ambitious, he supposed. Always wanted something different, something more than what he was supposed to have. He'd wanted things he wasn't supposed to want, done things no vampire had ever done, just to say he'd did it. And maybe for something more. He never really thought about it, until now. He had just hated living inside some box or label someone else gave him. Boundaries were made to be broken.
I've been waiting for this perfect moment
I've been waiting I'm so lost
I gotta make you see that I need you here with me
In my arms is where you belong
He sighed. As much as he believed that, he knew that these particular boundaries were set in stone. But not in his imagination.
Can you imagine you and me
Falling in love so tenderly?
Can you imagine that we are one?
That we are one
Every moment goes by
I find another reason why
That you and I should be lost in love
Can you imagine girl?
The song ended, as did the flow of beer, and he tossed
the empty bottle into the back, contemplating another one. He decided against
it, because he needed a clear head if he was going to get into LA and find
a hotel before he was to become a crispy critter. If he had been human,
that wouldn't have been a problem, he mused. Then he realized he was a
stupid wanker and he needed to get past his Grandsire-esque fantasies and
think logically if he was going to survive outside of comfortable old Sunnydale
for a bit.
He also wondered vaguely about the chip, but didn't dwell
on it. It had become a part of him, a sort of referee if he were ever to
need one. It couldn't be gone, as far as he was concerned. Perhaps the
demon had thrown it out of whack for a bit. Maybe because he hadn't really
intentionally hurt that girl very much, it hadn't worked. He didn't know.
He didn't want to find out, even though a large part of him knew he was
swimming along the banks of denial. The thing was short-circuited to hell,
and he was free to kill and maim and torture anyone he liked. He made a
face.
When it came down to it, he knew he'd have to let Buffy know.
Possibly, let her kill him. He would let her, open up his arms, close his
eyes, and tell her he loved her when she plunged Mister Pointy in, good
and proper. He knew it, she knew it, and everyone else knew it as well.
If she had to kill him, if he ever became his true self, the monster, again,
he'd let her kill him. He couldn't risk hurting her, or Nibblet, or even
the Scoobs, if his true nature started to show. He'd let her kill him.
But he told himself that wasn't an option right now. The girl he had saved
had just fallen on her rump, of course. He hadn't intended to hurt her.
Well, maybe a little the second time, but it hadn't been life threatening.
The chip was still there…the chip was still there…
Oh god, he was babbling in his thoughts now. Like some
dazed schoolgirl who had just had the captain of the football team wave
at her in the hall. He was an absolutely pathetic, disgusting, pitiful
example of a once high and mighty master vampire. He had to be honest with
himself. The chip was gone. The chip was gone. The chip was gone.
TBC...
