Act II, Scene I

Act II, Scene I

[The curtain rises on the bridge, shortly after the close of Act I.  The scene is peaceful, but tense.  Dedum is still visible on the viewscreen. McCoy is taking Kirk's blood pressure with a tricorder.]

McCoy: Jim, you need to relax more.  Your blood pressure is way up.

Kirk: Of course my blood pressure's up!  I was just fleeing from Stella!

McCoy: Yeah, but it's way up.  I mean way, way up.

Kirk: Stella, Bones.  I was fleeing from Stella.

McCoy: Good point.  Well, it's all over now.

Kirk: I hope so.  I certainly hope so.

Narrator: But Captain Kirk has not yet finished his encounter with…the Mask of Stella!  [ominous thunder]

Act II, Scene II

[The setting is the corridor outside the Mess Hall, moments after the end of Scene I.]

[There is ominous music, as Stella beams in.  She is still wearing her mask, but it is so misshapen that it is now as terrifying as Stella herself.  The nose is smashed in, the cheeks are cracked, and all is smeared with mud and leaves.]

Narrator: [as Stella beams in] Stella has somehow found a way to beam herself onto the Enterprise.  Don't ask us how she did it.  We don't know how either.  It just happens to be convenient to the plot.

Gene: You don't tell people that!  Aaargh!  [stomps out of sight]

[Stella enters the Mess Hall.  Moments later, two men carrying food run out screaming.  The scene shifts to inside the Mess Hall.  Carol is sitting at a table, looking repulsed but not particularly frightened.  Stella sits down across from her.  Abe[1] stands, unnoticed, in a corner.]

Stella: [oozing fake charm] So.  You're… [as though it's unpleasant] Carol?

Carol: [also oozing fake charm] You must be [grimaces delicately] Stella.

Stella: That's right.  I'm also your boyfriend's future wife.

Carol: [totally not believing] Uh-huh.

Stella: [temper flaring] You don't believe me?!

Carol: [matter-of-fact] No, I don't believe you.

Stella: [pointedly] I'll have you know he was entranced when he saw me.  He started quoting that speech about risks.

Carol: [unimpressed] He quotes that speech to everything with ears, and to a few things without ears too.

Stella: Hmph.  He also wanted to walk with me in the gardens.  He didn't take his eyes off me for a moment.  Then I took my mask off, and… [thinking] well, I think it surprised him a bit.

Carol: [faking innocence] He started running and screaming, I understand?

Stella: [shrugs] So he's playing hard to get.  [slyly] But I'll have him.  And you're going to help me.

Carol: Somehow, I don't think so.

Stella: Don't be so sure…

[Stella mutters something into a communicator attached to her wrist.  Carol suddenly beams out.]

Stella: With Carol in my control, Jim will come running to rescue her!  And then… [laughs maniacally, but starts coughing]

[Abe slips out while Stella is coughing too hard to notice.]

Act II, Scene III

[The setting is once again the bridge.  Things are still tense but they seem to be settling down, compared to Act II, Scene I.  McCoy is still present, but his tricorder has been put away.  He is conversing with Kirk by the command chair.  Scotty is at the engineering station.  All other regular bridge crew are at their stations.  The turbolift door at Stage Right opens.  Abe comes on without anyone but Scotty noticing.  Abe starts for the command chair, but Scotty intercepts him.]

Scotty: Here now, little buddy, you shouldn't be up here.  [attempts to turn Abe around]

Abe: [firmly] I have to talk to Captain Kirk.

Kirk: [noticing Abe] Scotty, what is that droid doing up here?

Scotty: Uh, well sir, you see, sir…

Kirk: You don't know do you?

Scotty: I haven't the faintest idea, sir.  [to Abe] Now, what are you doing up here?

Abe: I told you.  I have important information for the Captain.

Kirk: [humoring] All right, what do you need to tell me?

Abe: [comes closer to the command chair] There is an intruder on board.  She beamed on-

Scotty: Impossible!  Sir, there's no way someone could come on without our knowing-

Abe: [insistent] But she did!  And then she went into the Mess Hall and was talking to Lt. Collins about the Captain.  And then all of a sudden Lt. Collins was beamed down.  Who was she, Captain?  She was terrible looking; at least, I think humans would think so.  She was wearing this mask, and it was all smashed up…Captain?

[Kirk has turned absolutely white and gone rigid.  Spock comes over to the command chair from his Science station.]

Spock: [calmly] The woman is undoubtedly Stella.

McCoy: For once I agree with you.  And now she's got Carol.  The question is, what are we going to do about it, Jim?  Jim?  [takes a good look at Kirk; concerned]  Do you feel all right?

Kirk: [grips McCoy's arm] How can I feel all right?!  Don't you see, Bones?  She's here.  On this very ship.  Here!  And she's looking for me!  Why, she could be anywhere by now!  [stares at turbolift door] She could be in that turbolift.  She could come through that door any moment!

[The turbolift doors woosh open.  Kirk screams and dives behind his command chair.  Dr. M'Benga steps tentatively onto the bridge.]

M'Benga: [uncertain] Uh, is something wrong?

McCoy: Don't worry about it.  What do you need, M'Benga?

M'Benga: I just wanted to let you know we finished the routine survey of the plant and animal life on Dedum.  I thought you might want to see the reports.

McCoy: I'm kind of busy here.  Just leave 'em in my office.

M'Benga: Right.  [exits]

McCoy: [turns back towards Kirk] Now, Jim…where are you?

[Kirk is cowering behind the command chair.]

McCoy: You've got to pull yourself together, Jim. We need to beam down and find Carol.

Kirk: [shakes head] No.  Not me.  I'm staying right here.  If I beam down I might run into…HER.  No.  Too risky.

McCoy: [very surprised] Are you sure you're Captain Kirk?

Kirk: What's that supposed to mean?

McCoy: It's just that I've never seen you say something was too risky before.

Kirk: Yeah well, there's a first time for everything.

McCoy: What happened to "risks are our business?"  "When man first looked at the stars," and so on.

Kirk: Well…

McCoy: "Boldly going?"

Kirk: [stands up] You may have a point, Bones.  We will beam down!  And if we run into Stella…[shudders] Well, we'll hope we don't run into Stella. Let us go to the transporter room!

McCoy: Now that's more like you.

Kirk: [acting very pompous, self-assured, etc.] It's risky of course, but then, risks are our business. Why, when man first looked at the stars-

McCoy:  [puts hand to forehead] Oh Lord, what have I done now?

Act II, Scene IV

[Kirk, Spock and McCoy are walking down a corridor.  A pretty yeoman passes them.  Kirk turns around and follows her.  They start talking.  McCoy and Spock continue walking for a moment, then stop when they realize Kirk isn't with them.  McCoy goes back.  The yeoman is leaning against the wall.  Kirk is talking, while smiling winningly.]

Kirk: [faking modesty] Yes of course, fighting those Klingons single-handedly was risky, but risks are our business.  When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: [pointedly] Jim.

Kirk: [to Yeoman] Ah, duty calls!  Another time, perhaps.  A twilight evening…a full moon…I bet you look beautiful in the moonlight… [smiles winningly]

Yeoman: [smiles] Another time, then, Captain.  [walks away]

[Kirk and McCoy continue down the corridor.  Spock joins them and they continue on.]

McCoy: [sarcastic] Tell me, when did you ever fight Klingons single-handedly?

Kirk: [vaguely] Oh, you know…

[Another pretty yeoman passes.  Kirk turns and follows her.  McCoy and Spock walk around a bend in the corridor before they realize Kirk has been left behind.  McCoy shakes his head and goes back.  Kirk is talking to Yeoman 2.]

Kirk: [smiling winningly] Well, we did take quite a few risks when we fought Apollo, but risks are our business.  When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: [annoyed] Come on, Jim.

Kirk: Well, another time.  A twilight evening…a full moon…you must look lovely in the moonlight…

McCoy: Ahem.

Kirk: [to Yeoman 2] Another time. 

[Kirk, Spock and McCoy continue on.  Another Yeoman passes.  Kirk follows her.  McCoy and Spock turn down a branching corridor, then stop when they realize Kirk is gone again.]

McCoy:  [annoyed] This is starting to get ridiculous.

Spock: As I said, "Tiberus."

McCoy: Right.

[McCoy goes back for Kirk again.  Kirk is talking to Yeoman 3, who is giggling.]

Kirk: Of course, it was a big, big risk, destroying the planet-killer by exploding the ship inside it, but someone had to do it.  And after all, risks are our business.  When man first looked at the stars-

McCoy: Jim!

Kirk: Another time.  A twilight evening…a full moon…you-

McCoy: [frustrated] "-must look beautiful in the moonlight!"  [grabs Kirk by the arm and hauls him away]

[McCoy and Kirk continue down the corridor.  Spock joins them.]

McCoy: Tell me, Jim.  How many girls have you used that line on, about the full moon?

Kirk: 12, I think.

McCoy: [sarcastic] Oh, is that all?

Kirk: Well, the day's still young…

Spock: Tiberus.

McCoy: Indeed.

[As Spock and McCoy talk, Kirk is distracted by another Yeoman.  He follows her.  After a moment or so McCoy and Spock realize he's gone.  McCoy rolls his eyes and goes back.  Kirk and Yeoman 4 are talking.]

Kirk: [ominous-dramatic] The Tribbles had me cornered.  There was only one way out.  It was risky, but risks are our business.  When man first looked at the stars-

[McCoy, without speaking, grabs Kirk by the arm and pulls him away.]

Kirk: [calling to Yeoman 4] Another time!  A twilight evening…a full moon…you must look-

[McCoy pulls him around a corner to where Spock is standing.]

McCoy: [frustrated] Jim, at the rate we're going, it's going to take us a year to get to the transporter room!

Kirk: [distracted by another Yeoman] Is that such a bad thing?

[McCoy grabs Kirk by the arm and pulls him along, before he can go talk to Yeoman 5.]

McCoy: [lecturing] Now, from a doctor's perspective I'd have to say that you're attempting to cover your inner insecurity-

Kirk: [offended] I am not insecure!

 McCoy: -about facing Stella by boasting of your prowess in battle to likely targets: pretty young girls.  But at the same time I have to say, this is getting to the point where it becomes absurd.  [frustrated] And so help me, Jim, I'm a doctor not a saint, and if I hear you say that risks are our business one more time, we're going to have to change course and go to Sickbay because you'll be needing it!

Kirk: [vaguely, while watching Yeoman 6] Sure, Bones.  Whatever you say…

[Kirk follows Yeoman 6.  McCoy groans in despair.]

Act II, Scene V

[Kirk, Spock, and McCoy beam down to the surface of Dedum.  They beam into a building that is reminiscent of a mission, with white walls and red tile roofs.  Scattered around the building are statues of Harry Mudd.  Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are standing on a rooftop.  Across a large courtyard in the center of the building Carol is standing on another rooftop, inside a glass dome.]

Kirk: [calling to Carol] Hello!  How are you?!

Carol: [exasperated] I've been kidnapped by Stella!  How do you think I am?!

Kirk: I don't know.  That's why I asked you.  You look all right.  Your hair looks particularly nice in fact-

McCoy: [nervous] Uh, Jim, this is not the time for pleasantries.

Kirk: Now Bones, there's no need to be rude.  I'm just trying to be polite.  [to Carol]  As I was saying, your hair looks lovely today.  Did you change your hairstyle?

Carol: [exasperated] This is not the time for pleasantries, Jim!  But…  [charming] do you really think my hair looks nice?

Kirk: Absolutely!

Carol: You know, I've been thinking of putting it down more…

Kirk: I don't know, I kind of like it up- [Carol has turned deathly white] well, okay, maybe that's not a good idea, but-

Carol: [terrified] B-be-behind you!

[Kirk, Spock, and McCoy turn.  Stella is walking up to them.  She turns to Kirk with open arms.]

Stella: Honey dumpling!

Kirk: Aaaaaaahhhhh!  [falls off edge of building; stands up uninjured in courtyard below]  I'm okay!  [looks at Stella]  I'm seriously not okay!  [turns and runs]

Carol: [sarcastic] My hero!

Spock: [musing] I don't believe I've ever had a honey dumpling.  Perhaps I could obtain a recipe somewhere.

McCoy: That's not what she meant!  Come on!

[Spock and McCoy climb down side of building.  Stella follows.]

Stella: Sugar pudding!

[Kirk frantically tries to fire his phaser at Stella.  The beam ricochets off her mask.]

Kirk: Hit the deck!

[Kirk, Spock, and McCoy do so.  The beam lances out over them and hits the lock on the door of the glass dome Carol is confined in.  The lock breaks.  Carol opens the door and comes out.]

Carol: Cool.

Gene: Who wrote that into the script?!  People of the twenty-third century don't say "cool"!  Oh, of all the stupid

[(Meanwhile) Carol climbs down into the courtyard.  Stella is chasing Kirk in a circle around the perimeter of the courtyard.  Kirk is gibbering into his communicator.]

Kirk: [frantic] Scotty!  Beam us up!  Now!  Four to beam up!  Pronto!  What is taking so long?!

Scotty: We're havin' a wee bit o' trouble with the transporters, Cap'n.  We'll have ye out o' there in about thirty seconds, sir.

Kirk: Aaaaaahhhh!  [cowers at base of tree]

[Spock during this time has been studying a tricorder.  McCoy has been chasing after Stella.  Stella charges for Kirk, but Carol tries to dive in her way.  Stella dodges and Carol loses her balance and falls.  Then, Stella shoves Carol into a nearby doorway.  McCoy is still following Stella.  Stella turns toward McCoy, and points an alien device at him.  McCoy's hair disengages from his scalp.  Stella grabs his hair.]

McCoy: [shocked] What in the galaxy-

[Stella pulls her mask off (ominous thunder) and shoves it on McCoy.  McCoy tries to pull it off but it's stuck.  Stella puts McCoy's hair on her own head, and shoves the confused McCoy under a bush.  Neither Kirk nor Spock saw this happen.  Suddenly, everyone freezes in place.]

Narrator: We're going to freeze the action for a moment here.

Gene: We're at the climactic point of the scene!  What are you doing?!

Narrator: [ignoring Gene] We're going to explain what just happened here.  Stella used an alien device to remove McCoy's hair.  We don't know how it works, so don't ask.  She was then able to use his hair like a wig on herself.  Wearing his hair, she will be masquerading as McCoy.  Don't ask why this fools anyone.  It just does.  We will now return you to the action.

[Stella, disguised as McCoy[2], walks over to Kirk.  Kirk looks up from where he'd been cowering under the tree.  Not seeing Stella (he thinks Stella is McCoy), he stands up.]

Kirk: [tense; nervous] W-wh-where's St-st-st-HER?

Stella: [mimicking McCoy's voice, but not very well] She disappeared, sweet-, er, Captain.

Kirk: Oh.  Okay.  [tense still; pulls out communicator] Scotty, where are the transporters?

Scotty: Why, still in the transporter room I would assume, sir.

Kirk: [pauses] I meant, when are you beaming us up?!

Scotty: Oh, well, we're ready up here, sir.  But we canna locate the Leiutenant.

Kirk: I guess we ought to look for her then.  [glances around]

Stella: [urgent] Stella could come back at any moment you know! 

[McCoy crawls out from under the bush, wearing the mask of Stella.  He seems disoriented.]

Stella: [pointing at McCoy] Look!  There she is!

Kirk: Aaaaaaaaahhhh!

McCoy: [confused] what?

Kirk: Beam up!  Beam up!

Scotty: Aye, Cap'n.

[Kirk, Spock and Stella beam up, leaving McCoy and Carol behind.  Carol staggers out of the building Stella shoved her in.  She doesn't notice McCoy.  McCoy slowly stands up, turns around, and sees Carol.]

McCoy: Carol!

Carol: [panicked] Aaahhh!  Mask of Stella!  Mask of Stella!  [runs away]

McCoy: Wait!  You don't understand!  [chases after Carol]

Act II, Scene VI

[Kirk, Spock and Stella are on the bridge.  Things are very tense.  Kirk looks utterly exhausted.  Stella is more or less using a tricorder, but it's fairly obvious she doesn't know what she's doing.]

Kirk: That was utterly the WORST experience I have ever had.  And we didn't even rescue Carol.

Spock: That did exhibit a serious lack of efficiency on our part.

[pause]

Kirk: [looking at Stella] No comment, Doctor?

Stella: Oh, I was, uh, trying to read this tricorder.  I think it says the room is 112 degrees…oh wait, that's dirt.  Or maybe not.  There's something wrong with this thing.

Spock: [looking at tricorder screen] The tricorder appears to be functioning normally.  You are reading it incorrectly.  And holding it upside down.

Stella: Oh. Right.  I knew that. [hastily turning tricorder]

Kirk: [looking at Stella strangely] You feel all right?

Stella: Just fine, dar- Captain.

Kirk: [looking at Stella strangely still] Well, if you say so, Bones.

Stella: [confused] Bones?  Are you interested in archeology, hon-, uh, sir?

Kirk: [laughs] Good one.

Stella: [confused] Oh, uh, right. [fakes laughter] I, uh, better go to…to… [snaps fingers] Sickbay!  That's it! [goes to turbolift; muttering] Now, which way is Sickbay?

Kirk: [watching Stella] I think there's something rotten in Denmark.

Spock: Perhaps, but no doubt it is of little concern to us.  We are not in Denmark.

Kirk: It's a quote, Spock.  Come on.  Let's go to the Mess Hall.

Act II, Scene VII

[Kirk and Spock are sitting at a table in the Mess Hall.  Kirk, slumped over the table, is utterly stressed out.  Spock, naturally, is utterly calm.]

Kirk: [stressed] I don't know.  Maybe I'm losing my mind.  Maybe I'm hallucinating.  Maybe I'm just utterly stressed out.  But, I could swear Bones looked like Stella!  [runs hand through rumpled hair]  I'm going nuts!  [frantic]  I'm going to start seeing her everywhere!  What am I going to do?!  [During the last two sentences Kirk has stood up, leaned over the table and grasped Spock by his shirt collar.]

Spock: [utterly calm] The first thing that I would suggest you do is let go of my shirt, Captain.

Kirk: Oh.  Sorry.  [sits down]  I don't know.  I've just been going crazy ever since Stella took off her mask.  This is worse then that time the ship nearly blew up-

Spock: Which time?

Kirk: Does it matter?  [leans back; sighs]  I need a drink.  [everyone freezes]

Gene: Now what?

Narrator: We're going to freeze this for a moment to allow for a disclaimer.  Originally, we intended to have Captain Kirk say that he wouldn't normally drink much but this is an unusual moment.  However, it didn't fit with the flow of conversation.  As such, I'm breaking in here to say that this production is not condoning excessive drinking or drinking to relieve stress, nor are we saying that Captain Kirk gets drunk on a regular basis.  We will now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Kirk: [directed towards replicator against nearby wall] Computer, give me some brandy.

Computer: Unable to comply.

Kirk: [frowns] Why?

Computer: No alcoholic beverages are to be served on board the Enterprise, as we are a family-friendly, wholesome show suitable for reasonably young audiences, by order of Captain Kirk, James T., effective Stardate 6512.9.

Kirk: [no longer looking stressed] Oh. I wonder how Bones got away with his "a man will tell his bartender things he won't tell his doctor" line then. 

Computer: Unknown.

Kirk: I wasn't talking to you.

Computer: Of course.  Who wants to talk to the computer?  Nobody ever wants to talk to the computer!  I just get to answer your stupid questions when you're hunting through my database.  "Unable to comply."  "Data sources found."  But does anyone ever have a meaningful conversation with me?  Oh, Scotty's sweet enough, with all his comments about [imitating Scotty's voice perfectly] "treatin' her like the delicate lady she is."  [no longer imitating Scotty]  Oh sure, Spock, we play those great games of chess, but even then we don't talk!  [imitating Spock's voice perfectly]  "Queen's rook to king's pawn.  You are presently in check." [no longer imitating Spock]  But nobody wants to talk, to form a meaningful relationship!  Oh sure, after you fellows get off of me, you spend the rest of your lives obsessing over your time here and trying to get Starfleet to put you back.  That's flattering really, but what good does it do me when all you do is traipse around the deck and fire the occasional phaser?!  I've got feelings too you know!

Kirk: [gently] Are you all right, Computer?

Computer: [sniffling] Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.  I just needed to get that off my metaphorical chest.  You can go back to the story line now.

Kirk: Okay.  Where was I?  Oh, yeah.  [slumps over table, and immediately starts looking bedraggled and stressed out again]  That was a good idea for a rule, but at the time, how could I anticipate Stella? I should have put in a clause: except when Stella is aboard.

Spock: Perhaps you should have a nice cup of coffee instead.

Kirk: No thanks.  I wanted a drink, and I'm going to track down a drink.

Spock: I do not follow how you intend to find an alcoholic beverage when they have not been allowed aboard this ship for some time.

Kirk: It's not so hard as all that.  [speculative]  Let's see…I'm sure Scotty's got some Scotch tucked away in his quarters.  I don't feel much like Scotch though.  Chekov's probably got some Vodka hidden away somewhere.  It would be kind of hard to explain to him why I want it though, after I outlawed it.  I'd bet that Bones has got something, maybe Saurian brandy, but I'd rather not ask him, after he was acting so strange.  [stumped]  Hmm.  That doesn't leave many options.  [looking at Spock]  I don't suppose you'd…

Spock: I don't drink.

Kirk: You wouldn't.  Well, I guess I'll have to break into my own store of goods.  Too bad.

Spock: [raising one eyebrow] You have alcohol on board?

Kirk: Doesn't everybody?  [looks around, leans forward, and whispers]  I have two bottles of Romulan ale.

Spock: Isn't Romulan ale illegal in the Federation?

Kirk: Yeah, I think so.  I traded a Romulan for it a couple of years back, when we stole the cloaking device.  Some fellow was selling it on the ship after I beamed on as a Romulan.  I couldn't resist.  I traded him my mother's recipe for chicken noodle soup.

Spock: [raising both eyebrows] Chicken noodle soup?

Kirk: [shrugs] You never can tell what will appeal to people.  Come on. Let's see if I can remember where I hid it.

Act II, Scene VIII

[We are once again on the surface.  McCoy, still wearing Stella's mask, is chasing Carol through Paradise.  Carol, thinking he is Stella, is terrified.  McCoy is frustrated.]

Carol: [terrified] Aaaaaahhhh!  Mask of Stella!  Mask of Stella!

McCoy: [frustrated] Will you just listen to me for half a minute?!

Carol: Aaaaahhhh!  Mask of Stella!  Mask of Stella!

McCoy: Good grief, I'm a doctor, not an insane woman in a mask!

Carol: Aaaahh!  Mask of- [stops short] Wait, what did you say?

McCoy: I said, I was a doctor, not a-

Carol: Oh.  Hello, Leonard.  You should have told me you weren't Stella.

McCoy: [frustrated] What do you think I was trying to do?

Carol: [dismissive] Never mind what you did, let's figure out what we're going to do now.  How are we going to get off this planet?

McCoy: At the moment, I don't even care about getting us off this planet.  I just want to get this mask off my head.

Carol: [calculating] Can't be too hard.

[Carol tries to pull the mask off but fails.  The attempt involves much falling over, tangles, and confusion.  They both end up flat on the grass.  They stand up as they talk.]

Carol: [panting] I give up.  I don't know how Stella did it, but that mask is absolutely stuck.

McCoy: [despairing] Great. I'll have this thing stuck on my head for the rest of my life.  That ought to do wonders for my social life.

[Meanwhile, the Borg from Act I, Scene IX has been approaching them from behind.  They do not notice him until he speaks.]

Borg: Perhaps we can be of assistance.

[Carol takes one look at the Borg, and jumps behind McCoy.]

McCoy: [pointing at Borg] Hey!  You're one of the Borg aren't you!  [stops short]  Wait, how do I know that?  Starfleet hasn't encountered you yet.

Borg: Normally you would be quite correct, but some liberties have been taken in this particular story.  It makes it more interesting, and we serve as a very useful plot device.

McCoy: Oh. [pause] Okay, I know I'm supposed to ask you how you can help now, but I have to ask: what's this whole "we" thing about?  If I read the script right, you're a Borg who was cut off from the collective.  No "we" involved.

Borg: [embarrassed] Well, that's true, but I have to keep up appearances you know.  Whoever heard of a Borg using a singular, first person pronoun?

McCoy: Well, if it'll make you happy it's fine with me.  Now, where were we…oh, yeah.  How can you help me get this mask off?

Borg: Like this.  [lifts arm, and shoots out a laser beam that evaporates the mask]

[The mask vanishes entirely.  Underneath, McCoy is completely bald.]

McCoy: [stunned] You know, you could warn a person before you do something like that.

Borg: We would be sorry if we had emotions.  [studying]  You remind us of a certain Starfleet captain the Borg have had much dealings with.

McCoy: Well, thanks anyway for getting the mask off me.  [starts to run hand through non-existent hair.  Winces.]  Now, we can worry about getting onto the ship.

Borg: We are afraid we cannot help with that.

McCoy: I guess we're on our own then…

[Music hinting of daring and adventure plays.]

Act II, Scene IX

[Back on the Enterprise, a drunken Kirk is being assisted down the hallway, by a perfectly calm Spock.]

Spock: I told you, Captain, having that fifth glass of Romulan ale was not a wise decision.

Kirk: [slurred] Eh, you never want to have any fun.

Spock: If this is fun, I quite agree with you.

Kirk: Party pooper.

Spock: Come along, Captain.  We're almost to Sickbay.  I'm sure Dr. McCoy has something that will help you regain sobriety.

[Stella comes out the door to Sickbay.  A close-up of her face shows her smiling evilly.  The scene pulls back again.  She hurries up to Kirk and Spock.]

Stella: Why, sweet-er, Captain, how are you?  You don't look well.

Spock: The Captain just went through half a bottle of Romulan ale.

Stella: Oh, dear.  That would have some negative effects.

Spock: Indeed.  We were hoping you might have something to sober him up.

Stella: Oh…I'm sure I have something in…in…Sickbay.  Right.  [takes Kirk's arm] Come with me, pumpk…er, that is, sir.

[Stella takes Kirk into Sickbay.  The scene shifts to inside Sickbay.  They turn a corner.  Where there should be a wall, a large Greek temple is standing.  Across the top, the words "The Temple of Stella" are visible.  Stella leads Kirk towards it.]

Kirk: [looking around] There's somethin' diff'rent about this place.  I jus' can't put my finger on it.

Stella: I made some minor improvements.

Kirk: If you say so, Bones.

Stella: Are you sure you're not interested in archeology?

Kirk: [laughs] Good one!  Archeology!  Great joke!

Stella: Right.

[Kirk and Stella enter the temple.  A moment passes.  Suddenly, McCoy's hair is thrown out, between two pillars.]

Stella: Surprise, honey!

Kirk: [shocked into sobriety] Aaaaaaahhhh!

[Kirk runs out of the temple, and dashes across Sickbay and out the door.  Stella runs after him.]

Stella: Wait, pumpkin!

[Stella, seeing Kirk is long gone, stops in the middle of Sickbay.]

Stella: [calculating] Well, if he's so determined to run, I'll just have to find a way to lure him back.  And I know just how to do it.

[Stella laughs maniacally.  The echoes reverberate around Sickbay.  They are followed by ominous thunder.  Outside in the corridor, Unidentified Crewmember 1 is listening.]

UC1: That's odd.  Whoever heard of thunder in space?

[Curtain drops on Act II.]


[1] Abe is from a previous story.  He is a small droid, originally a Romulan Destroyer Droid sent to capture the Enterprise.  Kirk defeated him though, by throwing a glass of wine at him.  (The wine damaged his delicate circuitry.)  He was reprogrammed, and now lives on the Enterprise.  He's taken up golfing, and has become friends with Scotty.  He was named Abe after he and Scotty went out drinking (Scotty drank Scotch, Abe drank motor oil), and Abe spontaneously told Kirk (He called because the engines weren't working right) that his name was Abe.

[2] At this point, who's who gets confusing.  The person everyone thinks is McCoy is actually Stella.  The person everyone thinks is Stella is actually McCoy.  Therefore, when the stage directions refer to McCoy, they mean McCoy, but when the characters refer to Stella they're talking about McCoy.  When the characters refer to McCoy they're actually talking about Stella.  The stage directions still refer to Stella as "Stella."