Act III, Scene I
[The scene is the brig.
Kirk: [frantic] Computer, open the door to this cell!
Computer: You must have the necessary authority.
Kirk: [looking warily over his shoulder; frantic] I'm
Captain Kirk!
Computer: Only if you ask nicely.
Kirk: [gritting teeth] Computer, open the door to this cell.
Computer: Say "please."
Kirk: Computer, if you don't open this cell now, I'll have Scotty rewire your main processing center into a food processor.
Computer: Cell door opening.
[The cell door opens.
Kirk: [hurried] All right, out.
Punk Klingon 1: I think Kirk's finally lost it.
Kirk: Just get out!
Punk Klingon 2: Hey buddy, we ain't arguing!
[Punk Klingons exit cell.
Kirk: [peering anxiously down corridor] Computer, shut this door, and engage maximum security measures.
Computer: Unable to comply.
Kirk: I'm overriding that order!
Computer: [sullen] Locking.
[Kirk sits down on a bench.]
Kirk: [relieved] Stella will never be able to get me in here!
Act III, Scene II
[The setting is the corridor outside Sickbay.
Sulu: That was the best Romulan ale I ever had.
Chekov: I still say: Wodka
Sulu: Just don't try to tell us that Romulan ale was invented by a little old lady in Lenings…wherever.
Chekov: Nonsense.
Scotty: Wherever Vodka was invented, it still canna beat good Scotch from the highlands.
Sulu: What do you think, Mr. Spock?
Spock: [acting obviously drunk] I don't drink.
Chekov: [skeptical] You could hawe fooled me.
Spock: [swaying] Really.
Chekov: Obwiously, chicken noodle soup has strange effects on Wulcans.
Stella: Come along, gentlemen.
Scotty: Tell me again why we're going to Sickbay.
Sulu: Does it matter much?
Stella: Now, don't you worry about that.
[Sp, Su, C, Sc and Stella enter Sickbay, closing the door
behind them.
Spock: [from behind door] Most unusual of developments.
Stella: [from behind door] With all of you here, Jim can't
help but attempt a rescue!
Act III, Scene III
[Back in the brig, Kirk is sitting comfortably on a
bench.
Uhura: [surprised] Captain!
Computer: I told you so.
Uhura: [to Computer] All right, all right.
Kirk: She's on board.
Uhura: You mean Stella?
[Kirk winces, and nods.]
Uhura: You better come out, sir.
Kirk: [surly] Why?
Uhura: [worried] Well, we've kind of got some problems.
Kirk: [sitting bolt upright; outraged]
Computer: [surly] Yes, master, whatever you say,
master.
[Cell door opens.
Kirk: [outraged] I'll get Stella for this, if it's the last
thing I do!
Uhura: [calling after Kirk who ignores her] Uh, sir!
Act III, Scene IV
[Kirk is outside the door to Sickbay, trying to work up the nerve to go in.]
Kirk: [scared; to himself] Risks are our business.
[Kirk paces
around in front of the door for a moment, muttering to himself.
[View shifts
to inside Sickbay.
[The Temple
of Stella is prominent at the back end of Sickbay.
[View shifts to inside the temple.]
[Spock,
Sulu, Chekov and Scotty are sitting around a table in the middle of the
temple.
Chekov: [to Sulu and Scotty] You will newer conwince me that Romulan ale is better than Wodka!
Scotty:
Who's talkin' about Romulan ale?
Sulu: If
neither of you like Romulan ale, you should have left more of it to me.
Scotty: By
the way, do you notice somethin' diff'rent about this place?
Kirk: [tentative] Uh, gentlemen?
[Spock,
Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty turn toward Kirk.
Sulu: Oh, hello, Captain.
Scotty: How are ye', Cap'n?
Chekov: Won't you sit down, sir?
Kirk: [tense] Is…is…is…she around?
Scotty: You
mean Stella?
Kirk:
[bleakly] She stole my Romulan ale.
[Spock makes a gagging sound and falls over backward.]
Kirk: [staring at Spock's feet, visible above the table edge; trailing off] -like it was the crown jewels… [confused] What is wrong with him?
Sulu: Oh,
you mean Mr. Spock here?
[Sulu and
Chekov each grab one of Spock's arms and lift him up.
Kirk:
[stiffens suddenly] Why are we talking about chicken-uh, you know-when Stella
could show up any time?
[Sp, Su, C,
and Sc slowly stand up, Sp still humming.
Stella: You won't escape that easily, sweetie!
Kirk, Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty: Aaaaaaahhhhh!
[Spock
waves, while continuing his humming.
Stella:
[furious; shouting at the top of her lungs] Curses!
Act III, Scene V
[McCoy,
still bald, and Carol are talking to Yeoman 2 in a corridor of the
Enterprise.
McCoy: [kind] Now, try and tell us what's going on.
Carol: I don't think you're getting through to her.
McCoy: [ignoring Carol] Just tell us what happened.
Yeoman 2:
[blinking, still dazed] It's…it's… [horrified but soft] her.
[Unidentified Crewmember 2 pauses, watching.]
UC2: Didn't I see that in a movie somewhere?
Yeoman 2:
It's her!
Carol: [shocked] well.
McCoy: Gotta
be Stella.
[McCoy and Carol walk down the corridor.]
McCoy: It's a good thing we found those transporters Harry had on the surface so we could get up here.
Carol:
True.
[McCoy and
Carol turn a corner, and encounter Spock.
McCoy: [tentative] Uh, Spock?
Spock:
[without opening his eyes, he puts one finger over his lips] Not now,
Doctor.
McCoy: [suspicious] Spock, have you been drinking?
Spock: [still pantomiming conducting] I don't drink.
McCoy:
[skeptical] Sure, Spock.
[Scene
changes to the engine room.
Scotty: [referring to engines; sadly] Me bairns, me poor, poor bairns.
[McCoy walks up to Scotty.]
McCoy:
[frustrated] Don't tell me you're worried about Stella too?
Scotty:
[looking up]
McCoy: [shocked] We're flying into a sun?!
Scotty: [nodding] Ten minutes to impact.
Carol: Isn't there anything we can do?
Scotty:
There just isn't any way to power the ship to change course.
McCoy: [sitting down next to Scotty] Well, there must be some way to power this ship.
Scotty: If ye' find a way, let me know.
McCoy:
What'd you mean if I find a way?
Scotty: Not today.
McCoy:
[despairing] Swell.
Carol:
[thinking] Say…I might have an idea.
McCoy:
Sure.
Carol: Well,
it must have some sort of power we might be able to use.
Scotty: Did ye' say it had a propeller?
Carol: A big propeller.
Scotty: I
think I know what it is then.
McCoy: How
long will it take?
Scotty: [without looking up] Alien technology, never before tried…at least seven hours, maybe more if they aren't compatible.
McCoy: We have nine minutes.
Scotty:
[looks up] Oh.
McCoy: We'll beam down for it right away.
Act III, Scene VI
[McCoy
(still bald), Carol, and Scotty are on the bridge.
McCoy: [frustrated; to Scotty] Aren't you finished with that yet?
Scotty:
[soothing] Now, now, this is delicate work.
Computer: Two minutes, eight seconds to impact, and I certainly hope you've got some kind of plan because if you're waiting for me to pull you out of this one you're out of luck, buddy.
Scotty: On
the other hand.
McCoy: Has it got enough power though, to move an entire starship I mean?
Scotty:
[calculating] Well, it's based on hot air…the Captain's hot air.
Computer:
One minute, thirty seconds to impact.
Scotty: [sternly] Now, Computer-
Carol: She's
got a point, you know.
Scotty: All
right then.
McCoy: When
it's based on Jim's hot air?
Scotty: I'll
set it on high just to be on the safe side.
[A huge wind
starts blowing in the bridge.
McCoy:
[shouting over the noise of the wind] Why's it blowing up here?
Scotty:
[shouting over the noise of the wind] The power is going to the
engines!
Carol: [shouting over the noise of the wind; looking at viewscreen] Hey, I think it's working!
[On the
viewscreen, the sun seems to be angling slightly to the left, rather than being
head on.
McCoy: What happened?
Scotty: [frantically fiddling controls] The power's stopped!
Carol: It should have had plenty!
Scotty: Oh,
it's not out.
McCoy: The question is, was our course altered enough to prevent impact before we lost power?
[All stare at viewscreen as the sun grows larger and larger on the screen.]
[Scene
switches to outside the Enterprise.
Gene: Come
on, pull!
[The scene
shifts back to the bridge.
Carol: Well, that's a relief.
McCoy: Yeah, but it's hard to be really relieved when Stella's still on board.
Carol: Can't we just be happy that we're not flying into a sun anymore?
McCoy:
Normally, I am the picture of cheerfulness.
Carol: [giggling] Oh, yeah.
Scotty:
[thoughtful] Speaking of Stella, I think I might have an idea of a fairly
simple way to get rid of her.
Act III, Scene VII
[Carol and
McCoy (still bald) are walking down a corridor.
McCoy: We
think we're getting closer to Stella, Scotty.
Scotty: [over communicator] An' where are ye' now?
Carol: Deck C, Corridor G.
Scotty: [over communicator] Understood.
[Carol and McCoy continue walking down corridor.]
Stella: [from around a bend in the corridor] Sweetie pie, wait!
Kirk:
[coming into view around bend; running frantically] Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! [pauses
to look at Carol and McCoy] Oh, hello.
McCoy: Are you all right, Jim?
Stella: [coming into view] Sugar pudding!
Kirk: In
answer to your question: No!
[Kirk runs
down the corridor with Stella in pursuit.
McCoy: [into
communicator] Now, Scotty!
Scotty: [from communicator] Right away!
[Kirk disappears in a transporter beam.]
Scotty: [from communicator] Did I get 'er?
McCoy: Not exactly.
Scotty:
Oh.
Carol: Just do something!
[Stella disappears in a transporter beam.]
McCoy: Well…we got rid of Stella, but…
Carol: Now we have to find Jim.
McCoy: [into communicator] Scotty…where did you beam them?
Scotty: Why, onto the other side of the planet, like we planned.
McCoy: [suspecting the worst] Both to the same place?
Scotty: Well sure.
McCoy: [puts a hand to his forehead; despairing] Oh, Lord…
[Scene
shifts to view of the planet.
Stella: Sweetkins!
Kirk: Help!
Act III, Scene VIII
[The setting
is the conference room.
McCoy: [to Sulu; urgent] Are you sure no one's found my hair yet?
Sulu:
[reassuring] Don't worry, Doctor.
McCoy:
[worried] I hope so.
M'Benga:
[matter-of-fact] With extra potatoes, actually.
Spock:
[gesturing with spoon; to M'Benga] I must insist, Mr. Franklin, flying the kite
with the key was really a most crude method.
M'Benga:
[interrupting; pushing the bowl of soup towards Spock.] Never mind.
McCoy: [dubious] It doesn't appear to be helping.
Spock:
[nodding to McCoy] Oh, hello, Queen Isabella, I didn't see you come in.
McCoy: [glaring at Spock; to M'Benga] It's definitely not helping.
M'Benga: [pouring another bowl of soup] Give it a little time.
McCoy: Speaking of time… [turning to Sulu] Have they found-
Sulu: [good-naturedly] We'll let you know as soon as we find your hair, Doctor.
McCoy: [muttering] How hard can it be to find…
Spock: [loudly] Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers-
M'Benga: [hastily; pouring another bowl of soup] More soup?
Carol: [disgusted] Some rescue party we're going to make.
Act III, Scene IX
[Spock,
McCoy, Carol, and UC1 beam in, on the surface of the planet.
Carol: [into
communicator] Nice work, Scotty.
Scotty: [from communicator] I still donna understan' how we could've forgotten a shuttlecraft.
Carol: I
don't know.
Scotty: Go
ahead then.
Carol: All right, gentlemen, let's go.
[Carol,
Spock, McCoy, and UC1 enter shuttlecraft.
McCoy:
[mischievous]
Spock: [utterly emotionless] Doctor, I would advise you to cease speaking immediately, or I shall surely hit you.
McCoy:
[feigning surprise] My, my!
Spock: So long as we are discussing recent events, perhaps we should discuss a certain physician who is remarkably attached-or should I say unattached?- to his hair.
McCoy: [annoyed] Now you see here-
Carol:
[stern]
Spock: I
quite agree.
McCoy: [irritated] The whole argument was just as much your fault as mine, and-
Carol: [raising her voice] If you don't both stop now I'll be happy to let you off the shuttle and you can walk back to the beam-up point!
Spock: [dignified] Hmph.
McCoy: [irritated] Hmph.
[Close-up of
the clock on the wall: The minute hand rapidly goes around once.
UC1: Lieutenant Collins, I think we found them.
[Carol
stands up and hurries over to look at the viewscreen.
Carol:
[amused] I'd say that's them.
UC1: Yes, ma'am.
[McCoy comes over to look at the viewscreen.]
McCoy: [incredulous] Is he sitting in a tree?
Carol:
[amused]
[Scene
shifts to outside the shuttle.
Carol:
[businesslike] Phasers set on stun?
Stella: [to Kirk, not noticing the others] You can't stay up there forever, sweetkins!
Kirk:
[grimly] I can try.
Stella:
[turns and sees others, as they approach rapidly] My plans are thwarted!
[All wince
at the sound of Stella's screech, and clap hands over their ears, including
Kirk.
[Spock, McCoy, Carol, and UC1 hurry over to Kirk, who is slowly standing up.]
McCoy: You all right, Jim?
Kirk:
[stressed] I've been sitting in a tree with Stella below for four hours!
McCoy: [mischievous] Well…Spock wasn't feeling too well, and-
Spock: [emotionless] Be silent immediately, Doctor.
[McCoy
shrugs.
Kirk: I
see.
Stella:
Pumpkin!
Kirk: Aaaahhh!
Simultaneous:
planet!
Kirk:
[shouting towards communicator] Scotty!
Scotty:
[from communicator] Yes, ma'am.
[Everyone is beamed out, once again leaving the shuttle behind.]
Act III, Scene X
[Kirk, Spock, McCoy and UC1 are sitting inside the shuttle
they left on the surface of Dedum.
McCoy: I can't believe we managed to forget the shuttle
twice.
Kirk: We'll be gone soon enough, and then Dedum will just be an unpleasant memory.
McCoy: You're awfully calm.
Kirk: [shrugs] Stella's on the other side of the planet
where Scotty beamed her.
[Door opens.
Kirk: [sits up; red-faced] Ahem.
[Spock is sitting in a chair across the aisle.
Kirk: [staring at McCoy's hair; faking shock] Bones!
McCoy: [nervously reaches up to check hair, only to find nothing wrong with it] What about it?
Kirk: [still faking shock] It's back!
McCoy: [puzzled] It's been back…
Kirk: [slightly embarrassed] Oh, well…
McCoy: [understanding] Never mind, Jim. [Puts hands in
pockets and discovers an object]
[Scene shifts to outside shuttlecraft.
Kirk: [from inside shuttlecraft] All right, Ensign, let's get off this cursed planet.
UC2: [from inside shuttlecraft] Aye, aye sir.
[Shuttlecraft rises up from surface.
Stella: [dramatic] Oh Captain, my Captain!
Kirk: [from shuttle] Wait!
[Shuttlecraft plummets back down to the ground, landing on
Stella.
Kirk: [to UC1] you guard the shuttle while we search for Chekov.
[Kirk, Spock, McCoy and UC2 fan out.]
Kirk: [muttering] If I could just remember where we left him…
[Kirk, Spock, McCoy and UC2 wander out of view.
UC1: [star struck] Hey, you're Harry Mudd!
Harry: I believe so.
UC1: [confused] Wait, isn't it the other way around?
Harry: [puts arm around UC1's shoulder] Now, now, you're
confused.
[Inside, Harry hides in the closet, after taking some money
from UC1, who goes back on guard outside.
Kirk: [suddenly] Wait a minute!
McCoy: [coming over] Where, Jim?
Kirk: [grimly] Back on the Enterprise.
[Kirk,
Spock, McCoy, UC 1 & 2 go back in the shuttlecraft.
Narrator: The End
Kirk:
[off-stage] Wait!
Gene: Why?
Spock:
[off-stage] It is in the Captain's contract.
Gene: What
are you talking about?
Spock: Yes, but I am not a human.
Gene: All
right, fine.
[Curtain
opens again.
Kirk: [wise
and philosophical] Yes, our experiences on Dedum were strange, but they were a
learning experience…we learned not to beam down without adequate weaponry…not
to trust con men…not to date a girl before checking to see what she looks like
under her mask…
Gene: That
does it!
Kirk: When man first looked at the stars-
[Curtain comes crashing down, cutting Kirk off.]
Narrator: The Real End.
[There is
applause, but this stops suddenly when a slightly bedraggled Kirk crawls under
the curtain and comes out on stage.
Kirk: As I
was saying: Risks are our business.
Gene: [from behind curtain, as Kirk talks] Somebody get him off of there!
Kirk: -he
accepted that promise, but he also accepted the risks.
UC1: [from
behind curtain, as Kirk talks] We can't do anything, Gene!
Kirk: -we
face those risks everyday of our lives.
Gene: [behind curtain] We aren't asking!
Kirk: I'm glad you asked that.
Gene: [behind curtain] We didn't ask!
Kirk: We
risk facing the Klingons…the Romulans…a ruptured matter-antimatter chamber…and
so much more.
Stella:
[runs on] Sweetkins!
Kirk:
Aaaaaaahhhh!
[Stella
grabs Kirk.
Gene: Roll the credits!
[Fades to a
star field with views of the Enterprise zooming through space.
Kirk: Aaaaahhh!
Stella: My little kumquat!
Kirk:
[panicked] Bones!
McCoy:
Sorry, Jim, you're on your own.
Kirk: [panicked] But I can't get rid of her!
McCoy: In that case, you're dead, Jim.
Stella: Pumpkin!
Kirk: Aaaaaahhhhhh!
[Lots of
crashes and bangs follow.
THE END (HONEST)
Special thanks
to my friend Brian and my cousin Katie.
Well, that's the end (finally).
For anybody who wants to see a sequel, there is one in the
works.
-Q visits Kirk's Enterprise, cleverly disguised as a large blue fish (Don't ask)
-Stella returns and runs amok (again).
-Picard shows up, w/ Kirk's personality (blame Q), and he and Kirk fight it out on the bridge.
-Spock starts laughing wildly and can't stop.
-The Romulan Empire sends a bunch more droids like Abe, who take over the bridge.
So, watch for Stella Meets Omnipotence, AKA I Was a
Laughing Vulcan.
Until then, Live long and prosper.
(Author's Note to Someone Who Knows Who He Is:
