Act III, Scene I

Act III, Scene I

[The scene is the brig.  Two punk Klingons are sitting in the one cell.  A harried Kirk comes running up.]

Kirk: [frantic] Computer, open the door to this cell!

Computer: You must have the necessary authority.

Kirk: [looking warily over his shoulder; frantic] I'm Captain Kirk!  I have the authority!  Now open!

Computer: Only if you ask nicely.

Kirk: [gritting teeth] Computer, open the door to this cell.

Computer: Say "please."

Kirk: Computer, if you don't open this cell now, I'll have Scotty rewire your main processing center into a food processor.

Computer: Cell door opening.

[The cell door opens.  The punk Klingons look at Kirk quizzically.]

Kirk: [hurried] All right, out.

Punk Klingon 1: I think Kirk's finally lost it.

Kirk: Just get out!  I have bigger things to worry about now then a couple of Klingons who shaved their heads.

Punk Klingon 2: Hey buddy, we ain't arguing!

[Punk Klingons exit cell.  They grin evilly at each other, then head down the corridor and out of sight.  Kirk hurriedly enters the cell.]

Kirk: [peering anxiously down corridor] Computer, shut this door, and engage maximum security measures.

Computer: Unable to comply.  I am not allowed to lock my captain in the brig.

Kirk: I'm overriding that order!  Now lock the door!

Computer: [sullen] Locking.

[Kirk sits down on a bench.]

Kirk: [relieved] Stella will never be able to get me in here!

Act III, Scene II

[The setting is the corridor outside Sickbay.  Stella, once again disguised as McCoy, is leading Spock, Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty to Sickbay.  Sp, Su, C, and Sc are slightly drunk.  (Scotty's and Chekov's accents are more pronounced.)]

Sulu: That was the best Romulan ale I ever had.  I wonder where Dr. McCoy got those bottles.  He sure was anxious for us to drink 'em.

Chekov: I still say: Wodka[1] is wery much the best.

Sulu: Just don't try to tell us that Romulan ale was invented by a little old lady in Lenings…wherever.

Chekov: Nonsense.  Wodka, on the other hand…

Scotty: Wherever Vodka was invented, it still canna beat good Scotch from the highlands.

Sulu: What do you think, Mr. Spock?

Spock: [acting obviously drunk] I don't drink.

Chekov: [skeptical] You could hawe fooled me.

Spock: [swaying] Really.  I had a bowl of chicken noodle soup, and nothing else.

Chekov: Obwiously, chicken noodle soup has strange effects on Wulcans.

Stella: Come along, gentlemen.  [gestures towards Sickbay door]

Scotty: Tell me again why we're going to Sickbay.

Sulu: Does it matter much?

Stella: Now, don't you worry about that.  It will all make sense to you soon…

[Sp, Su, C, Sc and Stella enter Sickbay, closing the door behind them.  Half a minute passes.  Suddenly, three screams ring out.]

Spock: [from behind door] Most unusual of developments.

Stella: [from behind door] With all of you here, Jim can't help but attempt a rescue!  And then, I will have him!  Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Act III, Scene III

[Back in the brig, Kirk is sitting comfortably on a bench.  Uhura comes into view, and hurries up to the cell Kirk is in.]

Uhura: [surprised] Captain!  You are in the brig!

Computer: I told you so.

Uhura: [to Computer] All right, all right.  It's just that you rarely hear about the Captain being locked in the brig.  [turning to Kirk] Why are you here, sir?

Kirk: She's on board.  I'm staying right here until she's gone.

Uhura: You mean Stella?

[Kirk winces, and nods.]

Uhura: You better come out, sir.

Kirk: [surly] Why?

Uhura: [worried] Well, we've kind of got some problems.  First, St-well, she kidnapped Mr. Spock, Mr. Sulu, Mr. Chekov, and Mr. Scott.

Kirk: [sitting bolt upright; outraged]  How dare she!  We'll just see about that!  Computer, open this cell!

Computer: [surly] Yes, master, whatever you say, master.  Yeesh.  Open the cell, shut the cell, open the cell, do this, do that… [fades away]

[Cell door opens.  Kirk charges out.]

Kirk: [outraged] I'll get Stella for this, if it's the last thing I do!  [dashes down the corridor]

Uhura: [calling after Kirk who ignores her] Uh, sir!  Sir!  [talking to herself]  He didn't give me a chance to tell him that the Punk Klingons have directed the ship into Dedum's sun and knocked out the engines, and we're all going to die in twenty minutes anyway.

Act III, Scene IV

[Kirk is outside the door to Sickbay, trying to work up the nerve to go in.]

Kirk: [scared; to himself] Risks are our business.  Risks are our business.  Risks are our business.  Risks…this is not working.  [wipes forehead]  Why did this seem like a better idea in the brig?

[Kirk paces around in front of the door for a moment, muttering to himself.  Finally he pushes the door open, and jumps back.  Nothing happens.  He looks in.  He slowly takes one step in, and looks around again.  He finally enters completely.]

[View shifts to inside Sickbay.  Ominous music is playing]

[The Temple of Stella is prominent at the back end of Sickbay.  Muffled voices can be heard from inside the temple.  Kirk slowly approaches the temple, all the while looking warily around as though he expects Stella to suddenly jump out.  The closer Kirk gets to the temple, the slower he walks.  Finally he reaches the temple steps.  He slowly inches up them, looking around warily.  He looks between a couple of pillars: still no sign of Stella.  He carefully edges around the pillar, and enters the temple.]

[View shifts to inside the temple.]

[Spock, Sulu, Chekov and Scotty are sitting around a table in the middle of the temple.  Spock is staring into space, and humming.  Su, C and Sc are arguing.  An empty bottle of Romulan ale is sitting on the table.  Kirk approaches.]

Chekov: [to Sulu and Scotty] You will newer conwince me that Romulan ale is better than Wodka!

Scotty: Who's talkin' about Romulan ale?  I'm tryin' to convince you Scotch is better.

Sulu: If neither of you like Romulan ale, you should have left more of it to me.  I like it.

Scotty: By the way, do you notice somethin' diff'rent about this place?  I can't put my finger on it…

Kirk: [tentative] Uh, gentlemen?

[Spock, Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty turn toward Kirk.  Spock waves, without breaking off his humming.]

Sulu: Oh, hello, Captain.

Scotty: How are ye', Cap'n?

Chekov: Won't you sit down, sir?

Kirk: [tense] Is…is…is…she around?

Scotty: You mean Stella?  Oh, she disappeared a while ago.  She left a bottle of Romulan ale though.  [pleased] Even split three ways it sure packs a punch.

Kirk: [bleakly] She stole my Romulan ale.  That's not easy to get.  They don't sell it in the Federation.  I only had two bottles.  My mother guards her recipe for chicken noodle soup-

[Spock makes a gagging sound and falls over backward.]

Kirk: [staring at Spock's feet, visible above the table edge; trailing off] -like it was the crown jewels… [confused] What is wrong with him?

Sulu: Oh, you mean Mr. Spock here?  He's all right.  He just reacted violently when you said…[glancing at Spock; whispering] you know, the soup.

[Sulu and Chekov each grab one of Spock's arms and lift him up.  He smiles goofily at Kirk.  All this while, he has kept up his humming without a break.]

Kirk: [stiffens suddenly] Why are we talking about chicken-uh, you know-when Stella could show up any time?  Let's get out of here!

[Sp, Su, C, and Sc slowly stand up, Sp still humming.  Suddenly, Stella swings on a curtain down from an upper level.]

Stella: You won't escape that easily, sweetie!

Kirk, Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty: Aaaaaaahhhhh!

[Spock waves, while continuing his humming.  K, Su, C, and Sc start to run, but pause to grab Sp and haul him along.  They run out the temple, out through Sickbay, and out the door, with Stella in pursuit.]

Stella: [furious; shouting at the top of her lungs] Curses!  Curses!

Act III, Scene V

[McCoy, still bald, and Carol are talking to Yeoman 2 in a corridor of the Enterprise.  All around them, crewmembers are fleeing in one direction or another.  Yeoman 2 seems dazed.]

McCoy: [kind] Now, try and tell us what's going on.

Carol: I don't think you're getting through to her.

McCoy: [ignoring Carol] Just tell us what happened.

Yeoman 2: [blinking, still dazed] It's…it's… [horrified but soft] her.  [increasing in volume]  It's her.  It's her!

[Unidentified Crewmember 2 pauses, watching.]

UC2: Didn't I see that in a movie somewhere?

Yeoman 2: It's her!  It's her!  [runs screaming down the corridor]

Carol: [shocked] well.

McCoy: Gotta be Stella.  She's the only frightening "her" I know of around here.  [starts walking down corridor]  Come on.  Let's find someone who can tell us a little more than "her."

[McCoy and Carol walk down the corridor.]

McCoy: It's a good thing we found those transporters Harry had on the surface so we could get up here.

Carol: True.  Everyone else seems to have gone crazy or something.

[McCoy and Carol turn a corner, and encounter Spock.  His eyes are shut, and he is pantomiming conducting an orchestra.]

McCoy: [tentative] Uh, Spock?

Spock: [without opening his eyes, he puts one finger over his lips] Not now, Doctor.  I'm conducting Beethoven's Fifth.  You'll throw off the rhythm.

McCoy: [suspicious] Spock, have you been drinking?

Spock: [still pantomiming conducting] I don't drink.

McCoy: [skeptical] Sure, Spock.  [to Carol] Maybe they know something down in Engineering.  We'll go there.

[Scene changes to the engine room.  Scotty, now sober, is sitting by the engines looking mournful.  All the control panels and such are dark and dead.  McCoy and Carol enter.]

Scotty: [referring to engines; sadly] Me bairns, me poor, poor bairns.

[McCoy walks up to Scotty.]

McCoy: [frustrated] Don't tell me you're worried about Stella too?  I haven't even seen her!

Scotty: [looking up]  Stella?  Who cares that Stella's runnin' amuck and terrifyin' the whole crew?  The engines are out, we're flying into a sun, and there's not a thing anyone can do about it.  [taking a second look at McCoy]  What have you done to your hair?

McCoy: [shocked] We're flying into a sun?!

Scotty: [nodding] Ten minutes to impact.

Carol: Isn't there anything we can do?

Scotty: There just isn't any way to power the ship to change course.  I canna start her without dilithium crystals, and the Klingons took 'em.  The engines are all right, but I just don't have anything to power 'em with.

McCoy: [sitting down next to Scotty] Well, there must be some way to power this ship.

Scotty: If ye' find a way, let me know.

McCoy: What'd you mean if I find a way?  I'm a doctor, not an engineer!  You're the one who's supposed to pull a miracle out of your hat in half the time you said it would take you!

Scotty: Not today.

McCoy: [despairing] Swell.  Just swell.

Carol: [thinking] Say…I might have an idea.  Remember that weird looking machine with the propeller we saw down in the palace on Dedum?

McCoy: Sure.  Strange looking contraption.  What about it?

Carol: Well, it must have some sort of power we might be able to use.  I just wish I knew what it was.

Scotty: Did ye' say it had a propeller?

Carol: A big propeller.

Scotty: I think I know what it is then.  Captain Kirk mentioned it.  Something about it amplifying his hot air.  He didn't seem to want to talk about.  If I understand the way it works right though, I ought to be able to link it to the matter-antimatter reactor by way of the engineering console on the bridge if I hook it to the left hub of the… [trails off as he pulls out a piece of paper and starts making rapid calculations]

McCoy: How long will it take?  How long?

Scotty: [without looking up] Alien technology, never before tried…at least seven hours, maybe more if they aren't compatible.

McCoy: We have nine minutes.

Scotty: [looks up] Oh.  I'll have it for ye' in seven minutes then, once the contraption is up here.

McCoy: We'll beam down for it right away.

Act III, Scene VI

[McCoy (still bald), Carol, and Scotty are on the bridge.  Carol is sitting at Uhura's place, looking nervous.  McCoy is pacing.  Scotty is tinkering with the propeller contraption near one of the consoles.  Several disorganized-looking wires connect the contraption to the console.  The sun is visible on the view screen, and appears VERY close.]

McCoy: [frustrated; to Scotty] Aren't you finished with that yet?

Scotty: [soothing] Now, now, this is delicate work.  Ye' canna rush it.  [slowly connects another wire and turns a dial slightly]

Computer: Two minutes, eight seconds to impact, and I certainly hope you've got some kind of plan because if you're waiting for me to pull you out of this one you're out of luck, buddy.

Scotty: On the other hand.  [jams several wires in, quickly twists a couple dials, flips some switches, etc.  Stands up.] All set.

McCoy: Has it got enough power though, to move an entire starship I mean?

Scotty: [calculating] Well, it's based on hot air…the Captain's hot air.  [looking up] It'll be plenty.

Computer: One minute, thirty seconds to impact.  Are you bozos doing anything down there?!

Scotty: [sternly] Now, Computer-

Carol: She's got a point, you know.  Let's turn this thing on already.

Scotty: All right then.  [studying controls] Do you think medium would be high enough?

McCoy: When it's based on Jim's hot air?  Definitely.

Scotty: I'll set it on high just to be on the safe side.  [turns a dial]

[A huge wind starts blowing in the bridge.  Everything that's not fastened down starts blowing around, including McCoy, Carol, and Scotty.  They each grab a hold of something and hang on.]

McCoy: [shouting over the noise of the wind] Why's it blowing up here?  I thought the power was supposed to go down to the engines!

Scotty: [shouting over the noise of the wind] The power is going to the engines!  But the wind's got to go somewhere too!

Carol: [shouting over the noise of the wind; looking at viewscreen] Hey, I think it's working!

[On the viewscreen, the sun seems to be angling slightly to the left, rather than being head on.  Suddenly, sparks fly out of the wires connecting the contraption to the console, and the wind abruptly stops.  Everything that was airborne, including McCoy, Carol, and Scotty, crash to the ground.  They slowly stand up.]

McCoy: What happened?

Scotty: [frantically fiddling controls] The power's stopped!

Carol: It should have had plenty!

Scotty: Oh, it's not out.  Too much powered surged into the computer at once, and damaged the connection.  I'm afraid we're going to get no more power to flow out of this thing.

McCoy: The question is, was our course altered enough to prevent impact before we lost power?

[All stare at viewscreen as the sun grows larger and larger on the screen.]

[Scene switches to outside the Enterprise.  The Enterprise is zooming towards the sun.  It looks as though it's going to crash straight into the sun.  The angle changes.  A rope is now visible, tied around the sun.  Several stagehands are tugging on the other end of the rope, trying to pull the sun farther to the right.]

Gene: Come on, pull!  I can't have all my stars die now!  They've got six movies and several guest appearances left to make!

[The scene shifts back to the bridge.  McCoy, Carol, and Scotty are still watching the viewscreen as the sun gets closer and closer.  Impact is only seconds away.  Suddenly, the sun lurches violently to the right.  The Enterprise narrowly slips past it.  Relieved, McCoy, Carol, and Scotty slowly sit down.]

Carol: Well, that's a relief.

McCoy: Yeah, but it's hard to be really relieved when Stella's still on board.

Carol: Can't we just be happy that we're not flying into a sun anymore?

McCoy: Normally, I am the picture of cheerfulness.  It becomes a bit difficult to maintain a good mood when I'm missing my hair though.

Carol: [giggling] Oh, yeah.

Scotty: [thoughtful] Speaking of Stella, I think I might have an idea of a fairly simple way to get rid of her.  We'd need to find her first though…

Act III, Scene VII

[Carol and McCoy (still bald) are walking down a corridor.  Screaming crewmembers keep running past, going in the opposite direction.  McCoy is talking into a communicator.]

McCoy: We think we're getting closer to Stella, Scotty.  The crewmembers are getting more and more frantic.

Scotty: [over communicator] An' where are ye' now?

Carol: Deck C, Corridor G.

Scotty: [over communicator] Understood.

[Carol and McCoy continue walking down corridor.]

Stella: [from around a bend in the corridor] Sweetie pie, wait!

Kirk: [coming into view around bend; running frantically] Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! [pauses to look at Carol and McCoy] Oh, hello.  [stares at McCoy] What did you do to your hair?

McCoy: Are you all right, Jim?

Stella: [coming into view] Sugar pudding!

Kirk: In answer to your question: No!  [runs down corridor] Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

[Kirk runs down the corridor with Stella in pursuit.  McCoy and Carol follow.  Unfortunately, the corridor dead ends.  Kirk cowers at the end as Stella races towards him.]

McCoy: [into communicator] Now, Scotty!  Now! 

Scotty: [from communicator] Right away!

[Kirk disappears in a transporter beam.]

Scotty: [from communicator] Did I get 'er?

McCoy: Not exactly.

Scotty: Oh.  I'll try again.  It's tricky without exact coordinates you know.

Carol: Just do something!

[Stella disappears in a transporter beam.]

McCoy: Well…we got rid of Stella, but…

Carol: Now we have to find Jim.

McCoy: [into communicator] Scotty…where did you beam them?

Scotty: Why, onto the other side of the planet, like we planned.

McCoy: [suspecting the worst] Both to the same place?

Scotty: Well sure.

McCoy: [puts a hand to his forehead; despairing] Oh, Lord…

[Scene shifts to view of the planet.  Kirk is frantically clutching at the uppermost branches of a tree he climbed.  Stella, below, is unsuccessfully trying to climb after him.]

Stella: Sweetkins!

Kirk: Help!

Act III, Scene VIII

[The setting is the conference room.  McCoy, still bald, is earnestly questioning Sulu.  Spock, still affected by the chicken noodle soup, is sitting at the table.  Dr. M'Benga is giving him a bowl of clam chowder.  Carol is also sitting at the table, looking disgusted.]

McCoy: [to Sulu; urgent] Are you sure no one's found my hair yet?

Sulu: [reassuring] Don't worry, Doctor.  We're pretty sure your hair is on the ship somewhere.  We've got almost half the crew tearing the ship apart to find it.  It's bound to show up soon.

McCoy: [worried] I hope so.  I sure hope so. [Sits down at the table; watches M'Benga pour another bowl of clam chowder for Spock; confused] Is that clam chowder?

M'Benga: [matter-of-fact] With extra potatoes, actually.  It's the best cure for Chickennoodlesoupitis[2].

Spock: [gesturing with spoon; to M'Benga] I must insist, Mr. Franklin, flying the kite with the key was really a most crude method.  Had you instead-

M'Benga: [interrupting; pushing the bowl of soup towards Spock.] Never mind.  Have some more soup, Mr. Lincoln.

McCoy: [dubious] It doesn't appear to be helping.

Spock: [nodding to McCoy] Oh, hello, Queen Isabella, I didn't see you come in.  How is King Ferdinand?

McCoy: [glaring at Spock; to M'Benga] It's definitely not helping.

M'Benga: [pouring another bowl of soup] Give it a little time.

McCoy: Speaking of time… [turning to Sulu] Have they found-

Sulu: [good-naturedly] We'll let you know as soon as we find your hair, Doctor.

McCoy: [muttering] How hard can it be to find…

Spock: [loudly] Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers-

M'Benga: [hastily; pouring another bowl of soup] More soup?

Carol: [disgusted] Some rescue party we're going to make.

Act III, Scene IX

[Spock, McCoy, Carol, and UC1 beam in, on the surface of the planet.  The shuttlecraft from Act I, Scene VII is directly behind them.  Spock, recovered from the chicken noodle soup, looks, if anything, more solemn and stony faced than usual.  He refuses to look at McCoy.  McCoy has at last regained his hair.  He keeps smoothing it down, and looking immensely pleased.  It is clear that Carol is the one who's really in charge of this mission.  All look around.]

Carol: [into communicator] Nice work, Scotty.  We're right in front of the shuttlecraft we left here.

Scotty: [from communicator] I still donna understan' how we could've forgotten a shuttlecraft.

Carol: I don't know.  Anyway, we've got the coordinates where you beamed down Jim and Stella, so we're going to fly over there and see if we can find them.

Scotty: Go ahead then.  All's clear up here.  Scott out.

Carol: All right, gentlemen, let's go.

[Carol, Spock, McCoy, and UC1 enter shuttlecraft.  View shifts to inside shuttle.  UC1 sits down at shuttle controls, and powers the shuttle up.  It is visible through the viewscreen that they are rapidly speeding across the Dedum landscape.  Meanwhile, Spock, McCoy, and Carol sit down in the rows of seats.  Spock pointedly sits as far away from McCoy as is possible in the small shuttle.]

McCoy: [mischievous]  So, Spock, talked to ol' Benjy Franklin lately?

Spock: [utterly emotionless] Doctor, I would advise you to cease speaking immediately, or I shall surely hit you.

McCoy: [feigning surprise] My, my!  I don't think M'Benga gave you enough clam chowder!

Spock: So long as we are discussing recent events, perhaps we should discuss a certain physician who is remarkably attached-or should I say unattached?- to his hair.

McCoy: [annoyed] Now you see here-

Carol: [stern]  Knock it off you two.  This is no time to be arguing.

Spock: I quite agree.  If a certain member of this party had refrained from comment I'm quite certain-

McCoy: [irritated] The whole argument was just as much your fault as mine, and-

Carol: [raising her voice] If you don't both stop now I'll be happy to let you off the shuttle and you can walk back to the beam-up point!

Spock: [dignified] Hmph.

McCoy: [irritated] Hmph.

[Close-up of the clock on the wall: The minute hand rapidly goes around once.  The view pulls back to show full interior of shuttle.  No one has moved.  McCoy and Spock are pointedly not looking at each other.  UC1 is staring intently at a small object on the viewscreen.  As the shuttle gets closer, the object enlarges, until it is apparent that it is a man praying in the top of a tree, as a woman sits on the ground calling up to him.]

UC1: Lieutenant Collins, I think we found them.

[Carol stands up and hurries over to look at the viewscreen.  Spock and McCoy both look up, interested.]

Carol: [amused] I'd say that's them.  Land the shuttle, please.

UC1: Yes, ma'am.

[McCoy comes over to look at the viewscreen.]

McCoy: [incredulous] Is he sitting in a tree?

Carol: [amused]  I wonder if he's been there ever since Scotty accidentally beamed him down?

[Scene shifts to outside the shuttle.  The shuttle lands on the surface, a short distance from Stella and Kirk.  Neither Stella nor Kirk notice, as Kirk is too busy pleading with the skies for divine intervention and Stella is too busy calling up to Kirk.  Carol, Spock, McCoy and UC1 exit shuttle, carrying phasers.]

Carol: [businesslike] Phasers set on stun?  [There are affirmative murmurs.]  All right then.  Let's go.  [They start to approach Stella and Kirk.]

Stella: [to Kirk, not noticing the others] You can't stay up there forever, sweetkins!

Kirk: [grimly] I can try.  [glances around, finally notices others; relieved] Well, it's about time!

Stella: [turns and sees others, as they approach rapidly] My plans are thwarted!  [high and shrill] Nooooooooooo!!!!

[All wince at the sound of Stella's screech, and clap hands over their ears, including Kirk.  Without his hands to help hold him onto the branch Kirk slips and falls.  Fortunately, he lands directly on Stella, who is knocked to the ground.]

[Spock, McCoy, Carol, and UC1 hurry over to Kirk, who is slowly standing up.]

McCoy: You all right, Jim?

Kirk: [stressed] I've been sitting in a tree with Stella below for four hours!  I'm not even a little bit all right!  What took you so long anyway?

McCoy: [mischievous] Well…Spock wasn't feeling too well, and-

Spock: [emotionless] Be silent immediately, Doctor.

[McCoy shrugs.  Kirk looks from one to the other.  Behind them, unnoticed, Stella has stood up, and is approaching them.]

Kirk: I see.  Well-

Stella: Pumpkin!  [As all turn, she charges for Kirk.]

Kirk: Aaaahhh!

Simultaneous:

Carol: [into communicator] Scotty!  Beam Stella to the other side of the  

planet!

Kirk: [shouting towards communicator] Scotty!  Beam us up!  Now!

Scotty: [from communicator] Yes, ma'am.  Yes, sir.

[Everyone is beamed out, once again leaving the shuttle behind.]

Act III, Scene X

[Kirk, Spock, McCoy and UC1 are sitting inside the shuttle they left on the surface of Dedum.  They are preparing for lift-off.  Kirk is infinitely calmer and more confident than before.]

McCoy: I can't believe we managed to forget the shuttle twice.  I wish we hadn't had to come back down here again.

Kirk: We'll be gone soon enough, and then Dedum will just be an unpleasant memory.

McCoy: You're awfully calm.  I'm surprised you're not worried about Stella.

Kirk: [shrugs] Stella's on the other side of the planet where Scotty beamed her.  How could she get back here that fast?  [suddenly nervous]  But then, she might have found a way.  She could be back here somehow.  Stella could be right outside.  [stares at door] She could be right behind that door.  She could come in any moment.  That door could open this very instant-

[Door opens.  Kirk screams and dives behind a row of chairs.  UC2 walks in.]

Kirk: [sits up; red-faced] Ahem.  Spock…fell. I was, uh, helping him up.

[Spock is sitting in a chair across the aisle.  He looks at Kirk quizzically.  Kirk tries to change the subject.]

Kirk: [staring at McCoy's hair; faking shock] Bones!  Your hair!

McCoy: [nervously reaches up to check hair, only to find nothing wrong with it] What about it?

Kirk: [still faking shock] It's back!

McCoy: [puzzled] It's been back…

Kirk: [slightly embarrassed] Oh, well…

McCoy: [understanding] Never mind, Jim. [Puts hands in pockets and discovers an object]  Say, what's this in my pocket?  [pulls out brass monkey]  Some luck this brought!  It was supposed to ward off evil!  [angrily throws monkey out shuttlecraft door]

[Scene shifts to outside shuttlecraft.  Stella is stealthily approaching.  Monkey flies out and hits her.  She falls over.]

Kirk: [from inside shuttlecraft] All right, Ensign, let's get off this cursed planet.

UC2: [from inside shuttlecraft] Aye, aye sir.

[Shuttlecraft rises up from surface.  Stella staggers to her feet and chases after rising shuttle.  She stands under it as it rises far above her.  She stretches her arms out towards it.  A wind blows her hair out behind her.  A sunset is in the background.]

Stella: [dramatic] Oh Captain, my Captain!  My heart is yours!

Kirk: [from shuttle] Wait!  We forgot Chekov!

[Shuttlecraft plummets back down to the ground, landing on Stella.  Close up of her feet, sticking out from under the shuttlecraft.  Her skirt has pulled back slightly, revealing striped socks.  Her toes curl up.  Kirk, Spock, McCoy, UC 1 & 2 exit shuttle.  They do not notice Stella's feet.]

Kirk: [to UC1] you guard the shuttle while we search for Chekov.

[Kirk, Spock, McCoy and UC2 fan out.]

Kirk: [muttering] If I could just remember where we left him…

[Kirk, Spock, McCoy and UC2 wander out of view.  Harry Mudd appears form among some bushes and walks up to UC1.]

UC1: [star struck] Hey, you're Harry Mudd!

Harry: I believe so.  Why, am I mistaken?  [slyly] Say, why don't you bribe me into coming aboard?

UC1: [confused] Wait, isn't it the other way around?

Harry: [puts arm around UC1's shoulder] Now, now, you're confused.  Let's go aboard together and I'll explain… [they enter shuttle]

[Inside, Harry hides in the closet, after taking some money from UC1, who goes back on guard outside.  Kirk, Spock, McCoy and UC2 wander back into view.  They continue searching for a minute.]

Kirk: [suddenly] Wait a minute!  I just remembered where we left Chekov!

McCoy: [coming over] Where, Jim?

Kirk: [grimly] Back on the Enterprise.  He never beamed down.  Come on, let's get out of here.

[Kirk, Spock, McCoy, UC 1 & 2 go back in the shuttlecraft.  After a moment the shuttle starts to rise.  It soars dramatically upward against a backdrop of stars.  The curtain starts to close.]

Narrator: The End

Kirk: [off-stage] Wait!  Wait!  You can't end it yet!  I have to finish my log entry with something wise and philosophical!

Gene: Why?

Spock: [off-stage] It is in the Captain's contract.  Located in the fine print.

Gene: What are you talking about?  The fine print is so small it doesn't count.  No human can read it.

Spock: Yes, but I am not a human.

Gene: All right, fine.  Make your speech.  [sighs]  I knew I should have tried to sell Andromeda instead.

[Curtain opens again.  Kirk is in his quarters, making a log entry.]

Kirk: [wise and philosophical] Yes, our experiences on Dedum were strange, but they were a learning experience…we learned not to beam down without adequate weaponry…not to trust con men…not to date a girl before checking to see what she looks like under her mask…  Someday, we'll look back on our time here and see it as a time of learning…a time that brought out the best in people…a time of bravery and daring despite the risks…but of course, risks are our business-

Gene: That does it!  Producer's rights: drop the curtain!

Kirk: When man first looked at the stars-

[Curtain comes crashing down, cutting Kirk off.]

Narrator: The Real End.

[There is applause, but this stops suddenly when a slightly bedraggled Kirk crawls under the curtain and comes out on stage.  He strikes a pose.]

Kirk: As I was saying: Risks are our business.  When man first looked at the stars he saw their promise.  When he chose to travel the stars-

Gene: [from behind curtain, as Kirk talks] Somebody get him off of there!

Kirk: -he accepted that promise, but he also accepted the risks.  Now as travelers of the stars-

UC1: [from behind curtain, as Kirk talks] We can't do anything, Gene!  Everybody back here is in a Starfleet uniform, and it just wouldn't be right for Starfleet to drag [reverent] Captain Kirk off the stage!

Kirk: -we face those risks everyday of our lives.  What risks, you ask?

Gene: [behind curtain] We aren't asking!

Kirk: I'm glad you asked that.

Gene: [behind curtain] We didn't ask!

Kirk: We risk facing the Klingons…the Romulans…a ruptured matter-antimatter chamber…and so much more.  But humanity will prevail…because we are strong…brave-

Stella: [runs on] Sweetkins!  [charges at Kirk]

Kirk: Aaaaaaahhhh!  [turns to run]

[Stella grabs Kirk.  They fall off the stage.]

Gene: Roll the credits!

[Fades to a star field with views of the Enterprise zooming through space.  Credits roll across it.  In the background, faintly, is heard:

Kirk: Aaaaahhh!

Stella: My little kumquat!

Kirk: [panicked] Bones!  Do something!

McCoy: Sorry, Jim, you're on your own.  I want to keep my hair intact.

Kirk: [panicked] But I can't get rid of her!

McCoy: In that case, you're dead, Jim.

Stella: Pumpkin!

Kirk: Aaaaaahhhhhh!

[Lots of crashes and bangs follow.  The credits finish rolling, and it fades to black.]

THE END (HONEST)

Special thanks to my friend Brian and my cousin Katie.

Well, that's the end (finally).  I hope you liked it.  PLEASE review!  Also, look for The Big Break-Up, my other story on Fanfiction.

For anybody who wants to see a sequel, there is one in the works.  How's this grab you?

-Q visits Kirk's Enterprise, cleverly disguised as a large blue fish (Don't ask)

-Stella returns and runs amok (again).

-Picard shows up, w/ Kirk's personality (blame Q), and he and Kirk fight it out on the bridge.

-Spock starts laughing wildly and can't stop.  (McCoy takes pictures)

-The Romulan Empire sends a bunch more droids like Abe, who take over the bridge.

So, watch for Stella Meets Omnipotence, AKA I Was a Laughing Vulcan.  Don't hold your breath though, 'cause it'll probably be a while, considering I haven't started yet.  Also, look for Vulcans and Chicken Noodle Soup Don't Mix, a prequel, which should be posted relatively soon.  No Stella, but I've got Spock reciting poetry on a roof at midnight.

Until then, Live long and prosper.   \\//,  (-Vulcan salute)

(Author's Note to Someone Who Knows Who He Is:  Congratulations!  You finally found my story!  Was that SO hard?  Now write a review!  J)


[1] Vodka, with an accent.

[2] Pronounced: "chick-en-oodle-soop-it-iss.