Title: Tomorrow, Like Today

Author: Jeffrey Patrick

Type: B/X... Like that's a shocker!

Setting: Right after the events of "The Replacement."

Description: Buffy stumbles across Xander's journal and puts 2 and 2 together (That's 4, people).

Disclaimer: I own nothing but a lifesize cardboard figure of Martha Stewart and a CD copy of "Patrick Stewart Sings the Blues." Buffy and all related characters are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB! It's their pool. I just pee in it.

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"Thanks for the help," Riley said, kissing Buffy gently on the lips. "I was feeling overwhelmed by the comic book collection." He picked up another box of comics, and made his way up the stairs leading out of Xander's basement. Buffy was right behind him carrying a box of her own.

"No problem," she said. "I've read most of Xander's collection, so I know how picky he can be about them."

"You're telling me. I picked one up and started flipping through it... man, what an evil eye I got."

"You should've known better than to get between him and his Spider-man."

"It amazes me how well you guys know each other. You, Xander, Willow and Giles... Well, you're like family. It's nice to see."

"It's nice to be," Buffy said, placing her box in the trunk of Giles' car. "But now the family's bigger. You and Tara... even Anya... are all extended family."

"Extended?" Riley frowned at that, but Buffy didn't notice. Her listening was hampered by Anya's sudden appearance.

"All I'm saying is" the ex-vengeance demon whined, "my shoulder is only recently healed. I can't believe you are forcing me into labor."

"No one is forcing you, An." Xander stepped up to the car and put a big box into the back seat. "If you don't want to help me move... don't."

"Oh, sure," Anya said. "Then all of a sudden you're cutting off the sex."

Xander looked up to find Buffy and Riley grinning at him. He actually blushed. "An, private talk. Remember?"

"Fine. But I doubt I'll be able to service you tonight after working all day."

Xander winked at Riley and Buffy with his back to Anya. "Oh, well.. I suppose I'll survive."

"What?" Anya said in a panic. "I didn't really mean it."

"It sounded like you meant it," Xander said, trying not to laugh. "Didn't you think so, Buff?"

"Oh, yeah," she said, playing along. "But no big, right?"

"Nah. No big loss."

"What?" Anya's voice was getting higher by the second.

"I'm teasing," Xander said, letting her off the hook. "Now go get another box."

"Fine," Anya said in a huff.

Xander turned and followed her inside. Riley went to follow but stopped when he realized Buffy wasn't moving. "You coming?" he asked.

"Not just yet. I'm gonna rearrange the trunk. I think we can get some more stuff back here."

"You women and your packing," he said as he turned to go inside.

"You men and your sexist stereotypes," she called after him.

Once he was inside, she turned to the trunk and began moving things around. Just as she had thought, there was plenty of room once everything was in order. She went around to the back seat, planning to move another box or two into the trunk. She stopped short when she saw a small leather journal lying under the car, its edge barely visible. She picked it up and opened the first page. Xander's name graced it in his own handwriting.

Buffy glanced around to make sure no one was looking before she turned the next page. She began to read. It was about her.


... and nearly killed myself when I saw her. Her name is Buffy, and she's amazing.

Buffy blushed and took another look around.

I actually got a chance to talk to her, and like a moron, I blew it. "Can I have you?" What kind of question is that? I bet I Freudian slipped my way right out of any chance I had with her.

She laughed at the memory of that first encounter. She had thought he was cute. Strange. She had forgotten that she had been attracted to him before Willow clued her in on her own Xander crush. The coast was still clear, so she continued reading.

...sounds crazy, but I overheard her and the new librarian talking about vampires. Vampires! At first, I thought I must have been hearing things, but I wasn't. The librarian was giving her a lecture about being the vampire slayer. I'm not sure what any of that means, but I'm hoping Buffy turns up at the Bronze tonight, so I can find out.

The sound of voices snapped Buffy back into the present. Xander and Anya were on their way with more boxes. She shut the journal and dropped it into her book bag which occupied the front passenger seat.

"Did it all work out the way you expected?" Xander asked, approaching the car.

"Wh-what?"

"You were rearranging, right?"

"Oh, yeah... uh, plenty more room."

"Cool. I was hoping we could make this trip and just one more."

"You said that three trips ago," Anya complained. "Can't we just leave the rest?"

"No. Willow and Tara are at the apartment. Why don't you and Buff take the car over there? You can be unpacking while Riley and I load up Mom's car." Xander smiled at his girlfriend warmly. "Can you do that for me?"

"I suppose," Anya said, kissing him softly.




A half hour later, Xander and Riley were finishing loading the second vehicle. Something had been bugging Xander for the past hour, and he finally found the voice to say it. "You really meant what you said."

"Yeah," Riley said. "I just didn't feel like Sisko was as compelling a captain as Picard."

"No, I mean... what you said about Buffy."

"Oh... yeah. Don't get me wrong. I'm a lucky guy, and I know it."

"Yeah, but... "

"What?"

"Do you really want to spend your time with someone who doesn't...? Are you sure she doesn't... you know, love you? Because Buffy can be hard to read sometimes."

"I know. And I want to believe that she does... love me, but..."

"But you can't help what you know?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry, man. I said that I never had feelings for Buff. Not true. For a while, when she first moved here, she was all I could think about. But once Angel came into the picture... It was rough, man... having to be around her, but not being with her. Is there anything I can do? I can talk to her if you want."

"No," Riley said. "Let's just see what happens."



Later that night, Buffy lay in her bed reading Xander's journal in the lamp light. She felt guilty. She really did. But Xander hid so much of himself behind his sarcasm and wit that it was refreshing to see behind the facade. Still, the things that he had written were intensely personal. She had gone through most of high school. All the talk of his feelings for her had ceased. She found that she was strangely sad to think he was over his crush on her. His flirtation and jealousy had always been an interesting part of their relationship. She skipped ahead in the journal and found that he had begun writing poetry.

"I don't know you at all, do I , Xander?" she said out loud. Then, one of the poems caught her attention. It was titled "Tomorrow, Like Today," which she thought sounded nice. The date was recent... just after their encounter with Dracula. She shook off the lingering feelings of guilt and read.


Tomorrow, Like Today
You will see me with your blindness
and touch me with ephemeral feelings
that were never meant to last

Tomorrow, Like Today
You will lose me in the chaos
that consumes your every moment
both in future and in past

Who I am, I cannot fathom
for only you can know it
where I am is lost within you
and the things I cannot say

What I want is just to hold you
in the silence, in the darkness
what I have is less than nothing
in the scalding light of day

Tomorrow, Like Today
you will take my love for granted
and fail to see beyond my ramblings
to the heart of who I am

Tomorrow, Like Today
you will dance beyond my grasping
and leave me with this emptiness
someone much less than a man

For BAS



Buffy looked again at the initials. It was for her. She reread it, hoping that she was imagining it. On the second reading, it brought tears to her eyes. Had she really been so blind? She had thought Xander long over his feelings for her, but the poem proved her wrong. Strangely, instead of bothering her, she found herself feeling flattered. After reading his writings, she knew Xander's feelings welled from some place much deeper than she could ever have imagined. The pain so obvious in the poem came from that deep place, too. She had never acknowledged his feelings as genuine, and he had felt slighted. Now she knew the truth, and something had to be done.

She closed the book and wiped the tears from her eyes. She had thought her life was finally making sense. Now, suddenly, she felt uncertain of her choices. Would the last few years have turned out any differently if she had known of Xander's feelings? She decided not think about that. It was far too confusing. Instead, she would go to sleep and leave her thoughts to the darkness.



Buffy found herself in Sunnydale High, coming out of Principal Flutie's office. Someone bumped into her, and sent her books crashing to the floor. Xander stopped in the hall and bent down to help her. She smiled at him, thinking she knew what he would say. Instead, a serious look crossed his face as he said, "Tomorrow, like today, you will see me with your blindness and touch me with ephemeral feelings that were never meant to last."

Before she could respond, she realized she was standing outside the school. Xander was in front of her, nervously trying to ask her to the Spring Fling. As she listened, he said solemnly, "Tomorrow, like today, you will lose me in the chaos that consumes your every moment, both in future and in past."

Even as his words lingered in her mind, the scenery shifted again. This time, she was in the hospital. She was on the run from the police. Xander tapped her on the shoulder. She turned and embraced him, so glad that he was alive. She had seen him lying still on the floor of the library. It had shaken her to her core. She look up at him, just in time to see the tears in his eyes as he said, "Who I am I cannot fathom, for only you can know it. Where I am is lost within you and the things I cannot say."

Her next stop was outside Angel's mansion. She was standing just behind Xander as he watched her kissing Angel. She had hidden the vampire's return from Xander and the others. She had known what they would think. "What I want is just to hold you in the silence, in the darkness. What I have is less than nothing in the scalding light of day."

Then, Xander looked into her eyes. He was crouching in front of her there in the Bronze. It was the beginning of her freshman year in college. She was feeling less than capable. He had called her his hero. Now, he looked at her and whispered, "Tomorrow, like today, you will take my love for granted, and fail to see beyond my ramblings to the heart of who I am."

She closed her eyes and felt the tears run down her cheeks. When she opened them again, she was standing in the city dump just two nights earlier. The Toth was taking aim at her with his mystical rod. Xander turned to her and said, "Tomorrow, like today, you will dance beyond my grasping, and leave me with this emptiness... someone much less than a man." He pushed her out of the way and took the blast himself. She fought her emotions, trying desperately to hold back her tears. She wiped them away with the back of her hand, and found herself in the middle of Xander's new apartment.

"What took you so long?" Xander asked, stepping into the room.

"I... don't know. I'm confused," she whispered.

"Are you?" He smiled at her, and she couldn't help smiling herself.

"Maybe not as much as I would like to be," she said.

"I'm sorry that you know," he said, stepping closer to her. "I never wanted to burden you."

"You haven't," she said, smiling at him. "Can I...?"

"What?"

"Is this a dream?"

Xander reached down and took her hands in his own. "You know that it is."

"Can I... kiss you?"

He didn't answer. Instead, he smiled and leaned into her. The kiss was tender. Buffy felt as though she were floating off the ground. Her heart was pounding in her chest. She didn't want the moment to end. When their lips parted, he ran his fingers through her golden hair. "Was that what you needed to know?" he asked.

"I think so," she smiled. "I think I understand."


Buffy sat up straight in her bed. The dream was over. Her heart was still beating rapidly. She could swear that she still felt him at her lips. "Oh, God," she whispered into the night. "What do I do now?"


To Be Continued...