Chapter Four
I'd spent the day avoiding Brainy, not wanting to confront the issue at hand. Sure, I'd brought it on myself, but I couldn't face it right now.
I could handle being alone just fine. Maybe that's just my destiny. Loneliness, I mean. It doesn't sound so bad, really. Who needs friends, anyway? I don't.
I eyed Phoebe and Gerald from across the hall and saddened. Phoebe was laughing and Gerald had his arm wrapped around her. They were looking at each other in sheer fondness.
Okay, so maybe I did need friends. I don't know how Brainy does it. How he handles being a loner. Did he have any friends, really? No. And I don't suppose he ever really did.
Whatever happened to Eugene and Curly, anyway? I remember when we were younger, Brainy had spent a lot of time with them. What had become of them? What caused Brainy to break away?
"Not your problem, Helga. It doesn't concern you. Just move along and pretend like nothing happened. Forget he even exists," I said to myself, frustrated.
And that's exactly what I did.
So I spent the day concentrating on Arnold. I mean, when I'm avoiding the subject of Phoebe and Brainy, what else am I supposed to focus on? Class?
So, I concentrated on Arnold.
I'd purposely arranged it so that I had nearly all of Arnold's classes with him. Of course, he was under the assumption that I did it to ruin his life, but that's fine as long as he doesn't linger over the truth. That my heart aches every moment he's not there.
Am I really that insecure now? Has it gotten this bad?
I recalled past times now, smiling at the good memories, crying inside during the bad. Counting how many shrines I'd sculpted of him in the past several years.
Before I knew it, school was over.
The herd of kids trampled the school doors open, thrilled for their freedom. I loitered behind, not in a hurry to get home.
Now, my home life is not so bad. I mean, it's not like I'm abused or anything, aside from the occasional negligence. But I'd more or less gotten used to it, so it wasn't really a big deal anymore.
From behind me I heard a wheezing, and stopped dead in my tracks. Now normally, on impulse, I would have pounded him and walked off. I even had the urge to do that now, in some ways more than ever before.
I took a deep breath and faced him, that familiar anxiety returning.
I sighed, now suddenly stressed, and responded to his silence.
"Yes, Brainy?"
He just stood there for a long time, eyeing me. He seemed to be taking his time in his reply. Like he wasn't quite ready himself for the upcoming conversation.
"Helga." Brainy took a deep breath and wheezed again. "Look, Helga, *wheeze* you know I care about you. I guess *wheeze* what I'm trying to get at is…well…Do you *wheeze* think that maybe *wheeze* …possibly…you could give me a chance? *Wheeze* I know this sounds *wheeze* dumb but *wheeze* there's really no other way to say *wheeze* it."
I looked to the ground, wishing I could supply him with the magic answer he was hoping for. The words he deserved.
"Brainy…" I stammered, touching his arm gently but quickly pulling it away, "I want to be with you, or at least part of me does. But you know there will always be that part of my heart that will forever belong to Arnold. I can't change that, though I wish I could…I think. Man, Brainy, why'd things have to go so awry?"
Now Brainy placed his hand on my shoulder, and it sent a shiver down my spine. How had it come to this?
Oh, yes. I remembered. I remembered oh so clearly.
Oh so? Now why does that sound nauseatingly familiar? Oh, now I remembered. That sickeningly sweet comment had come from Lila, my childhood nemesis.
It was so very unfortunate what became of her. Not unfortunate for me, or even for her. More so for Arnold than anything. I recalled how heartbroken he'd been at her leave, despite the fact that he'd supposedly "gotten over her". I never did buy that for a second.
Now I smacked his hand away, not really wanting to hurt him, but annoyed that he'd sympathize.
"NO! Don't you see?! Don't you get it, Brainy?! I can't be with you! What happened between us, that's over! It's in the past! It might as well have never happened!"
As I said the last sentence, though, my anger had started to fade. I'd been lying horribly.
I started to sob now, remorse for my foolish actions, for my now foolish words and feelings. Brainy tried to comfort me, and now I didn't have the strength or the heart to push him away.
"I…I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm so stupid! I'm pushing everyone away, and I don't know why! I'm so selfish! God, Brainy, why'd you put up with it? I'm so horrible!"
"You're not stupid, and you're not horrible, and you're not-well, you are selfish, but you're not stupid or horrible, Helga. I put up with you because I love you, and I told you that already. What more do you want from me?"
At the word "love" a pang of guilt went through me.
"I don't want anything more from you, Brainy. Don't waste your time on me, it's not worth it."
I waved my hand in a shooing motion, hoping he'd get the idea. But he just laughed.
"I wouldn't call it wasted time at all. Helga, I care about you. A lot. I want to be with you. I guess you'll just have to figure out what YOU want now. Whatever your decision, I'll always be here. You know that."
I nodded and lifted my head now, watching him leave.
Such an odd position I'd put myself in! The only way it could get any weirder is if…
Oh, no.
Arnold walked up behind me, taking a seat beside me on the sidewalk. I refused to make eye contact with him.
How much had he seen?
Arnold cleared his throat. "Hi, Helga."
Oh, god no. Not now, Arnold, but oh, please don't leave…
"Hey," I replied nervously.
"What were you and Brainy talking about?" he asked curiously.
I laughed now, finding his nosiness amusing.
"It's really not something you should get involved in, Arnold," I responded.
"Oh, come on, Helga. Since when did I NOT get involved?"
He looked at me and smiled now, and we laughed together. Arnold was finally admitting it.
"True," I said, nodding in comprehension. "But trust me, Arnold, this is one case you're just going to have to back off in. Something I have to handle myself." I sighed and looked into his eyes now, suddenly solemn. "I just can't believe how things are turning out, Arnold. It's almost funny, you know?"
Arnold just nodded, understanding. "Yeah, I think I do. You know, seven years ago I would have thought Lila and I would be together, and look how that turned out."
"You never really got over her, did you, Arnold?"
It was more of a statement that a question.
He just nodded and looked at me strangely.
"Yeah. And I never would have expected I'd end up having an actual conversation with Helga Pataki," he said with a chuckle.
Normally, I would have pounded him for this, but with the circumstances I just shook it off.
"Yeah, well, there's a lot I wasn't expecting, too," I muttered back, not wanting to discuss too much.
"Oh, really? Like what?" he poked.
Suddenly I caught onto his aim. Man, he'd gotten good at prying!
I laughed at this now, realizing just how sly that boy had become. It wasn't that he'd changed so much, more like developed. I mean, he'd always been pretty nosy, I guess, so it made sense that he would improve that quality.
"What's so funny?" he asked, not quite catching on.
I shook my head and stood up to leave.
"Life. Life is funny," I replied nonchalantly, walking away.
Author's Note: Okay, another slightly strange chapter, though now I'm sure you're catching on. I hope, anyway. Well, now Helga's got herself in quite a predicament! Long chapter, I know. Okay, now I'd betta go! Catcha later! R&R!!!!
I'd spent the day avoiding Brainy, not wanting to confront the issue at hand. Sure, I'd brought it on myself, but I couldn't face it right now.
I could handle being alone just fine. Maybe that's just my destiny. Loneliness, I mean. It doesn't sound so bad, really. Who needs friends, anyway? I don't.
I eyed Phoebe and Gerald from across the hall and saddened. Phoebe was laughing and Gerald had his arm wrapped around her. They were looking at each other in sheer fondness.
Okay, so maybe I did need friends. I don't know how Brainy does it. How he handles being a loner. Did he have any friends, really? No. And I don't suppose he ever really did.
Whatever happened to Eugene and Curly, anyway? I remember when we were younger, Brainy had spent a lot of time with them. What had become of them? What caused Brainy to break away?
"Not your problem, Helga. It doesn't concern you. Just move along and pretend like nothing happened. Forget he even exists," I said to myself, frustrated.
And that's exactly what I did.
So I spent the day concentrating on Arnold. I mean, when I'm avoiding the subject of Phoebe and Brainy, what else am I supposed to focus on? Class?
So, I concentrated on Arnold.
I'd purposely arranged it so that I had nearly all of Arnold's classes with him. Of course, he was under the assumption that I did it to ruin his life, but that's fine as long as he doesn't linger over the truth. That my heart aches every moment he's not there.
Am I really that insecure now? Has it gotten this bad?
I recalled past times now, smiling at the good memories, crying inside during the bad. Counting how many shrines I'd sculpted of him in the past several years.
Before I knew it, school was over.
The herd of kids trampled the school doors open, thrilled for their freedom. I loitered behind, not in a hurry to get home.
Now, my home life is not so bad. I mean, it's not like I'm abused or anything, aside from the occasional negligence. But I'd more or less gotten used to it, so it wasn't really a big deal anymore.
From behind me I heard a wheezing, and stopped dead in my tracks. Now normally, on impulse, I would have pounded him and walked off. I even had the urge to do that now, in some ways more than ever before.
I took a deep breath and faced him, that familiar anxiety returning.
I sighed, now suddenly stressed, and responded to his silence.
"Yes, Brainy?"
He just stood there for a long time, eyeing me. He seemed to be taking his time in his reply. Like he wasn't quite ready himself for the upcoming conversation.
"Helga." Brainy took a deep breath and wheezed again. "Look, Helga, *wheeze* you know I care about you. I guess *wheeze* what I'm trying to get at is…well…Do you *wheeze* think that maybe *wheeze* …possibly…you could give me a chance? *Wheeze* I know this sounds *wheeze* dumb but *wheeze* there's really no other way to say *wheeze* it."
I looked to the ground, wishing I could supply him with the magic answer he was hoping for. The words he deserved.
"Brainy…" I stammered, touching his arm gently but quickly pulling it away, "I want to be with you, or at least part of me does. But you know there will always be that part of my heart that will forever belong to Arnold. I can't change that, though I wish I could…I think. Man, Brainy, why'd things have to go so awry?"
Now Brainy placed his hand on my shoulder, and it sent a shiver down my spine. How had it come to this?
Oh, yes. I remembered. I remembered oh so clearly.
Oh so? Now why does that sound nauseatingly familiar? Oh, now I remembered. That sickeningly sweet comment had come from Lila, my childhood nemesis.
It was so very unfortunate what became of her. Not unfortunate for me, or even for her. More so for Arnold than anything. I recalled how heartbroken he'd been at her leave, despite the fact that he'd supposedly "gotten over her". I never did buy that for a second.
Now I smacked his hand away, not really wanting to hurt him, but annoyed that he'd sympathize.
"NO! Don't you see?! Don't you get it, Brainy?! I can't be with you! What happened between us, that's over! It's in the past! It might as well have never happened!"
As I said the last sentence, though, my anger had started to fade. I'd been lying horribly.
I started to sob now, remorse for my foolish actions, for my now foolish words and feelings. Brainy tried to comfort me, and now I didn't have the strength or the heart to push him away.
"I…I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm so stupid! I'm pushing everyone away, and I don't know why! I'm so selfish! God, Brainy, why'd you put up with it? I'm so horrible!"
"You're not stupid, and you're not horrible, and you're not-well, you are selfish, but you're not stupid or horrible, Helga. I put up with you because I love you, and I told you that already. What more do you want from me?"
At the word "love" a pang of guilt went through me.
"I don't want anything more from you, Brainy. Don't waste your time on me, it's not worth it."
I waved my hand in a shooing motion, hoping he'd get the idea. But he just laughed.
"I wouldn't call it wasted time at all. Helga, I care about you. A lot. I want to be with you. I guess you'll just have to figure out what YOU want now. Whatever your decision, I'll always be here. You know that."
I nodded and lifted my head now, watching him leave.
Such an odd position I'd put myself in! The only way it could get any weirder is if…
Oh, no.
Arnold walked up behind me, taking a seat beside me on the sidewalk. I refused to make eye contact with him.
How much had he seen?
Arnold cleared his throat. "Hi, Helga."
Oh, god no. Not now, Arnold, but oh, please don't leave…
"Hey," I replied nervously.
"What were you and Brainy talking about?" he asked curiously.
I laughed now, finding his nosiness amusing.
"It's really not something you should get involved in, Arnold," I responded.
"Oh, come on, Helga. Since when did I NOT get involved?"
He looked at me and smiled now, and we laughed together. Arnold was finally admitting it.
"True," I said, nodding in comprehension. "But trust me, Arnold, this is one case you're just going to have to back off in. Something I have to handle myself." I sighed and looked into his eyes now, suddenly solemn. "I just can't believe how things are turning out, Arnold. It's almost funny, you know?"
Arnold just nodded, understanding. "Yeah, I think I do. You know, seven years ago I would have thought Lila and I would be together, and look how that turned out."
"You never really got over her, did you, Arnold?"
It was more of a statement that a question.
He just nodded and looked at me strangely.
"Yeah. And I never would have expected I'd end up having an actual conversation with Helga Pataki," he said with a chuckle.
Normally, I would have pounded him for this, but with the circumstances I just shook it off.
"Yeah, well, there's a lot I wasn't expecting, too," I muttered back, not wanting to discuss too much.
"Oh, really? Like what?" he poked.
Suddenly I caught onto his aim. Man, he'd gotten good at prying!
I laughed at this now, realizing just how sly that boy had become. It wasn't that he'd changed so much, more like developed. I mean, he'd always been pretty nosy, I guess, so it made sense that he would improve that quality.
"What's so funny?" he asked, not quite catching on.
I shook my head and stood up to leave.
"Life. Life is funny," I replied nonchalantly, walking away.
Author's Note: Okay, another slightly strange chapter, though now I'm sure you're catching on. I hope, anyway. Well, now Helga's got herself in quite a predicament! Long chapter, I know. Okay, now I'd betta go! Catcha later! R&R!!!!
