Why do I feel this way

Conflict

Why do I feel this way, JEALOUS? They are only talking. Well, actually laughing… The way *we* used to laugh. Well, I guess we still do but… It feels tainted now. Tainted because my stupid immature mind can't accept the fact that he's not mine. Not just mine anyway. It's all screwed up. Look at her. She is perfect; funny, witty, light hearted, clever… Doesn't carry the emotional baggage *I* do.

Abby girl, you need to sort yourself out. You told him you weren't ready for a relationship, that you loved him but that you didn't feel you could give him what you needed. You watched him fight, and persist, and well up in desperation that would take him into your arms and return what he has felt for you for so long, yet you fought him back harshly. You sent him away, physically and emotionally because you thought you would hurt him, and now you want to cry because he is doing exactly what you told him to. *Moving on*.

Ok. So I can stand here all day in the bathroom fighting back tears, or I can go and get over it. What do you want to do Abby? Ok. Let's get on with this. He is only talking to her… Her and her perfect blonde hair. Her perfect smile. Eurgh. Now look at yourself in this horrible badly lit mirror, Abby. Luka was right. I'm *NOT* pretty. I don't know why John ever wanted me. He could have anyone. He could have Susan if he really wanted. He probably will. He'll forget all about me and run off with Susan and- why are you getting angry with him? *You're* the one who told him to "get over it" and that you "didn't want him". Oh great, you manage to fight down the tears of jealousy and now you have tears of regret running down your cheeks. DAMMIT GIRL! How do you manage to ruin everything good in your life?

Oh gawd. You just looked again. She was touching his shoulder, laughing coyly… Yeah, I'm onto you Susan Lewis. You keep your hands off him. You think he doesn't know that smile means "I want you Johnny, come to bed with me now?" Hmm… He's a man. He probably doesn't. Probably thinks you're just being friendly. So wait a minute Abby, now you think he *doesn't* want her? A minute ago you were telling yourself that he was going to run off with Susan, that he should have her, and, and, and… And now you say that he just thinks she's a friend and she's coming onto him?

Oh no. What am I doing? They've known each other for years! Now I get angry because they *talk?* What is wrong with me? YOU PUSHED HIM AWAY. YOU LOST HIM BECAUSE YOU ARE SERIOUSLY SCREWED UP. My emotions change at the drop of a hat, and I push him away and then think like he's my property and no one else can go near him! John's better off without me. And yeah, I probably just lost the best thing in my life, but being with me would only crush him. I'm nothing worth having.

SO GET OVER IT ABBY.

Right. Here I go, to face the music.