HARRY POTTER AND THE STAFF OF MERLIN


A/N Hi everybody, sorry about the delay. I changed Internet providers from Shaysnet to Netzero, and its just coming back on. I would like to thank you all for the great reviews, and to show I'm sorry the next couple of these will be coming out very quickly. Please keep reviewing.


"What the Hell do you think you're doing!"
Hermione and Harry sat up quickly, rubbing their eyes and staring in bewilderment at the sight of a very angry Eric.
"Oh, Hi Daddy. What time is it?"
"What TIME IS IT? Get the Bloody Hell out of that bed and come over here now!"
"What are you so angry about, Dad?" Hermione was starting to get a little angry herself, and was staring with a confused expression at her father.
"I'll tell you what I'm angry about. MY FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER IN BED IN A NIGHTGOWN WITH A FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD MALE IN NOTHING BUT HIS BLOODY BOXERS. OTHER THAN THAT, I'M PERFECTLY FINE. NOW GET OUT HERE NOW!"

Hermione reluctantly climbed out of bed, and was practically dragged down the hall by her angry father, slamming the door behind her. Harry, not daring to move, lay quietly in his bed trying to catch snatches of the yelling that were filtering down from the next corridor. Climbing out of bed, he was just finished getting dressed when Hermione's father burst through the door with a sullen looking Hermione.
"All right, now listen up good you two. What you did was in no way right, and Dumbledore and Sirius will definitely hear about this, and we will have a long discussion on this when I get back. You are very lucky that your mother and I have this conference in Brussels to go to. However, when we are there Hermione's cousin will watch you to make sure you behave."
"NO Dad, you cannot do that to us. Do you know what it's like to be alone with Sean for an hour, let alone three days? You can't do this!"
"I'll do what I please with you two after that little stunt you pulled last night, and you WILL like it! Your mother is going to be pissed!"
"But Dad…"
"Don't you 'but dad' me, you wouldn't have to put up with your cousins eccentricities if you had thought before you acted. I have to leave now, and Sean will be here in half an hour. If possible, during that time I would appreciate it if you didn't have SEX before he arrives."
"DAD!"
"Just DON'T!" Eric stormed out of the room, leaving a bewildered and slightly scared Harry alone with Hermione.

Half an hour later, Harry and Hermione were down eating breakfast when there was a knock on the door. Hermione stood to answer it, then jumped back, just realizing something.
"Oh god Harry, that's probably Sean. You get it."
"Why? He can't be that bad." Hermione bent over with laughter.
"I'm going to remember you said that after you've enjoyed his company for a few days." Harry turned down the hall at this remark and made his way towards the door. What he saw when he opened it surprised him, as he was standing before the complete opposite of Hermione. Sean was a tall seventeen-year-old with spiky hair died blond, numerous earrings, and a Metalica "Ride the Lightning" shirt.
"Er, Hello," Harry started.
"Wassup," Sean said, grabbing Harry's hand. "I'm Sean Granger, who the hell are you."
Harry took and step back and answered timidly, "Harry Potter."
"Oh, so you're the chap that's been screwing my fourteen-year-old cousin. Nice to meet you." Harry took another step back into the hall, looking for Hermione to support him. Sean walked in and pushed right by him.
"So, where's my little cousin?"
"Um, I think she's in the kitchen." Harry followed Sean into the kitchen, where Hermione was putting away the milk. She looked at them and saw Sean, giving a small yelp.
"Wassup Midget?" Hermione got red in the face and yelled back at him.
"Shut up Muff!"
"Okay now, no need to get defensive."
"You should talk! You're the most defensive person I know!"
"Why Midget, whatever are you talking about?"
"DON'T CALL ME MIDGET!" Hermione threw a cereal box at him as she said this.
"My somebody has a case a bitchstritus today!"
"There you go again." "You name one time!"
"The bar in Ireland!" Hermione was really mad now, and it looked like Sean was having fun.
"That damn Mick was asking for it."
"You walked up behind him and hit him in the head with a stool!"
"Okay, it might have happened once. Always have to be so smart, don't we?"
"You don't talk about smart, you Jackass."
"Are you calling me STUPID?" Sean looked incredulous.
"Hmmm, lets see. Now, who was it that brought the fireworks to grandma's funeral, then lit them in the casket and closed the cover?"
"Okay, don't mess with that one. The undertaker couldn't get the old dead person smell person out of it for months."
"You're so immature." Hermione threw a five-pound bag of sugar at Sean.
"Well, you seem mature enough to shag that bloke standing over by the doorway who's trying not to burst out in laughter at us."
"First, I didn't shag Harry. Secondly, you're an asshole."
"Hey, don't get so bitchy. I'm not the bad one here. I'm not the one who used to play with Dental Dan an all the friends at the ole' coral."
"DON'T YOU DARE MAKE FUN OF DENTAL DAN!"
"You do know you're very strange, right Midget?"
"Are not!"
"Are to!"
"Afraid not!"
"Afraid so!"
"Dental Dan reduced cavities in children by almost three-quarters, and all the children who played with him didn't grow up violent and hyperactive, right Muff?" Hermione looked ready to cry now.
"I know, instead they grew up to be psychopaths that are either in the Nut House or having a secret affair with their local librarian."
"You're an asshole!"
"That reminds me of a joke I just heard. What do you get when you cross two Polish people, a bottle of milk, a chicken, and a vibrator?" Hermione screamed as loud as she could and ran up stairs. Sean finally turned to Harry, who had been quite the whole time.
"What did I say?"


Harry spent the rest of the day with Sean, as Hermione was up in her room and wouldn't unlock the door. He found that Sean was a senior in high school in Manchester and was very funny. He had an unlimited stash of Polish and blond jokes and hated 'those damn Micks' as he called them.
After a full day of swimming, watching TV, a disastrous attempt on the part of Sean to try to teach Harry soccer, and setting off large fireworks, they went in to cook supper. It was just past seven when they got in, and because Mr. and Mrs. Granger weren't there the cooks were on vacation. There was plenty of food, but preparing it was a problem. There were numerous steaks, hams, turkey, and chicken available, but neither of them knew how to cook. Harry was an expert at breakfast, as he had to prepare it for the Dursley's, but he had no clue how to cook a steak. Out of ideas, they headed up to Hermione's room.
Harry knocked on the door, calling "Hermione" softly. When he got no answer, he opened the door slowly and saw Hermione lying on her bed reading. Sean ran over and jumped on the bed, in the process knocking both the book and Hermione off the bed.
"What the hell are you doing, Sean?" she yelled.
"Relax Midget, we just need you to cook some food for us. And while you're at it, turn up the heat and make our beds."
"What do you think I am, your slave? Get Out!"
"But Midget!"
"Out! NOW!" Sean got up off the bed muttering something under his breath about 'that time of the month'.
Harry cut in here. "Um, Sean, shut up for a minute." Turning to Hermione, he said "Hermione, what he meant to say was that we're cold and hungry and we know how infinitely smart and nice you are, so as your underlings we are asking you to protect us from the cold." Hermione narrowed her eyes at Harry, but didn't say anything. "Please," Harry added. Hermione sighed and got up, knowing the only way to get Sean to shut up was to do what he asked.
"Thanks, Midget, what he said." Hermione wheeled on Sean.
"Shut up Muff, you're so stupid." "All right, we all know you're so smart. Now, food!"
An hour later, they were sitting down to a nice steak dinner in a warm house with new sheets on the bed.
"Thanks Midget. I bow before your infinite wisdom, or whatever that horse shit was." "You don't shut up, do you?"
"No, not usually. Hey, it's your own fault I'm here. If you and good ole' Harry hadn't been screwing like little jackrabbits then I wouldn't be here."
"We didn't do anything!" Hermione yelled. Harry was looking confused now.
"What in God's name are you people talking about?"
"You screwing my cousin, damn it," was his reply from Sean.
"Doing what?"
"Screwing. Shagging. Mating. Copulating. Rocking the Casba. HAVING SEX, dumb ass." Harry looked astonished.
"But we didn't do that, I don't think." Hermione turned on Harry.
"Damn straight we didn't. Don't play dumb. I know what males think about ninety percent of the time."
"Hold on a second here Midget," Sean cut in. "I think our Harry might have a serious problem." He turned and stared at Harry, who by now was very nervous. "Now, Harry, do you know what sex is?"
"Um, yes, pretty sure."
"Oh dear god, you're worse than a five ton Mick after a keg. I take it you've never seen a porno."
"No."
"Never taken any kind of drugs?"
"No."
"Never had any alcohol."
"No."
"My god, you live a sheltered life. What the hell is wrong with you?"
Hermione jumped in here. "There's nothing wrong with him Sean, unlike you!" Harry blushed at this, but luckily Hermione didn't notice. "It's not his fault that his friend's cousin is a psycho maniac who only thinks about sex and getting drunk!"
"Oh Midget, you forgot making fun of Micks. Guess you're not one hundred percent perfect all the time."
"GOD, I hate you! Come on, Harry, let's go watch TV." Hermione grabbed Harry and pulled him out of the room as quickly as she could. They went out to the large den silently and turned the TV on. They watched some stupid sitcom for almost an hour when a special bulletin interrupted the show.
"We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this special bulletin. About an hour ago a crazed maniac went on a killing spree through the town of Orange. The death count is as of now unfinished, and the killer or killers have escaped. We will more on this story as it develops."
"Oh no Harry, that's only the next town over!" Hermione exclaimed.
The reporter went on saying how horrible it was and how it could have been prevented if people weren't so horrible. They finished by showing some pictures of the dead people, and when they did Harry gasped. He knew that those people hadn't been killed by any muggle. They were the same as he had seen Cedric and in his dreams his parents. They had been killed by the Avada Kedavra curse.
"Hermione, those people weren't killed by a muggle. They were killed by Avada Kedavra." Hermione started to look scared.
"What are you talking about Harry? They just said that they were killed by muggles." Just as she finished this, the station showed one last picture of one of the victims. They held this one for almost a minute, with the cheesy background music and everything. But that wasn't what interested Harry and Hermione. They were staring at the picture.
It was a picture of a man in a long black robe. He also had a mask on that Harry recognized. It was a picture of a Death Eater. Suddenly, there was a banging on the door. Neither of them moved, and the banging didn't cease.
"All right, don't move your lazy asses, I'll get it."
"Oh, shit," Harry swore. He had forgotten about Sean. "No Sean, don't!" But it was too late; he wasn't paying any attention to them.
Harry and Hermione held their breath as they heard Sean open the door.
"And who the Bloody Hell are you?"