Disclaimer: If you read this story, please, be offended. I wrote it at three in the morning after 48 hours of no sleep induced by insomnia. Actually, that's how I write all my stories.....anyway, it contains scenes of gratuitous sex, foul language, character crossovers from other stories, shows, and movies, gratuitous sex, annoying jokes, not-so annoying jokes, funny jokes, gratuitous sex, angst, depression, debilitating skin disease, bad references, and gratuitous sex.
I did cut and slash (or more rather hack and burn) some other things, like movies and what not, but that's a compliment! Whaddaya gonna do, sue me? (Ed. Note: No! Please!) So, enjoy, and be offended!
PS: These chapter titles might not make sense, just bear with me. Also, I do own Gainax, and Evangelion, and if you don't like it, tough noogies!
Spoofy Eva in a Blender on Crack
by Me
Chapter One: Subtle Angst
" It's dark."
Shinji Ikari turned away from the window. He looked at Kensuke, sitting on his bed and examining Shinji's SDAT, who looked up at him, then at the clock.
" It's ten o' clock at night," replied Kensuke, scratching his head.
Shinji Ikari looked back out his window.
" It's dark."
Kensuke blinked twice, not able to register the subtle Eva pilot angst.
" I see that," he replied slowly, eyebrows raised.
Shinji Ikari sat down on the floor, hugging his legs. A single tear fell down his check.
" Tears on my face..."
Had this been an American cartoon, Kensuke's head may have exploded from lack of logic. However, this was an anime, so he settled for a very Japanese sweat drop. Shinji touched the tear drop with his fingers, then looked at it.
" I'm crying."
" I'll alert the media," answered Kensuke sarcastically. At that moment, Pen-Pen walked in.
" Hello, Pen-Pen. How are things?"
Pen stared at Kensuke.
And stared.
And stared.
And stared.
Finally, he opened his beak.
" Wark."
He then turned, and left the room. Kensuke sweatdropped again.
***
Touji Suzahara sat in his room. It was dark.
But we've established that.
He sat in his room, breathing in despair over the harsh words of his father. He could not bear the angst any more. Suddenly, the scene played back to him, and he understood what Shinji had meant when he mentioned his great amount of angst. Yes, the night was very angst-filled.
Very angst-filled indeed.
He heard his father's words echoing in his head, in the darkness.
Touji Suzuhara, your report card is not straight A's, as was your purpose.
Is that what you needed me for, father? Grades?
Yes, Touji. That was your purpose. You will get straight A's.
No! No, father! I won't! I refuse!
Then go. Run away again, just like you always do.
You bastard!
Honey, increase the LCL pressure.
Huh?
I will not waste my time with an insolent boy!!!
Um...Touji, maybe you'd better go to Shinji's. Your dad didn't take his medication again.
He shut his eyes hard, tears trying to escape. But he suppressed them. It was hard, but he suppressed them.
He always suppressed them.
He fell asleep, dry tears causing him to shudder.
***
Pen-Pen lay in his room underneath Misato's refrigerator. If his eyes were capable of tears, he would have been crying. He had just suffered a crippling moral blow. He had just suffered the wrath of a demon-like Misato.
He could remember nothing that could have caused her to go over the edge like that. Nothing he did deserved the torture she made him endure.
Nothing he did deserved Misato's cooking.
Hello, Pen-Pen.
Are you hungry? Let me make you some curry.
Here you go Pen-Pen. Eat up.
Eat up.
Do you like it, Pen-Pen?
Do you?
Have some more.
More.
More.................
Pen-Pen slid the door to his room shut, and he began to sob silently. Then he remembered the other one. The other one who had filled him with his angst.
The one named Kensuke Aida.
Hello, Pen-Pen. How are things?
Wark.
The kitchen was filled with angst.
***
Misato Katsuragi was asleep. Yes, she was sleeping silently. Well, not really. A little known fact about Misato is that she snores. Trust me.
Trust me.
In fact, one night when Asuka woke up to get a drink of water, she thought a grizzly bear was hibernating in Misato's room. But enough about Misato.
This section isn't about Misato.
This section is about Asuka Sohryu Langley, who was at the moment taking a shower. No details. I don't do lemons.
Anyway, she was currently having a flashback dealing with her mother. However, this was not any ordinary flashback. In this flashback, her mother was alive. And Asuka could remember it clearly. It was from her birthday, when Asuka was four.
Happy birthday, Asuka. Look what I got you.
" Oh boy, mommy! Is it a ballerina Barbie?"
Open it, sweet heart. Open it!
" Oh boy, mommy! What is it?"
Why don't you open it and find out?
" What is it? What is it?"
OPEN THE FUCKING THING!!!
" OK, OK....."
Rip, rip, tear.
" OH BOY, MOMMY! LOOKY LOOKY! IT'S A....malibu....Barbie...not a ballerina...barbie....."
Do you like it, honey? Do you?
"......"
Honey?
" I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"
What?
" I'M A BALLERINA! NOT A @!#$%&* MALIBU GIRL!
Honey, calm down!
" DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, THEN HANG THE BODY AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A SUICIDE!"
Sweety, calm down! Calm down....hey, put down that rope! Put it down! PUT IT....ACK!!!
....
....
....
Asuka Langley dropped the soap. She began to cry. She cried long and hard, over that loss of her mother. Over the fact that she could still be alive. Over the immense amount of angst.
But mostly because she had soap in her eyes.
***
Rei Ayanami sat on her bed, staring into space.
And staring.
And staring.
Much like Pen-Pen, only to the fifth power.
Finally, she thought out loud.
" I think I'm gonna puke."
For the first time, Rei Ayanami was suffering from the stomach flu.
