Chapter Three: No Way, Maya, Prove It!

Gendo was alone in the Command Center. He looked down into the room; no technicians, no Ritsuko. He looked behind him; no Fuyutsuki. His face twisted into a sinsiter smile. It was now time to do what he had planned to do, those many years ago. He reclined in his chair, and began to sing to himself.

" I wish....that I could turn back time.....'cause now the gift is all mine......can't live without the trust from those you love....I know....you can't forget the past...you can't forget love and pride.....because of that it's killing me inside......doo doo doo....da da da...."

Suddenly, there was a startled gasp. Gendo quickly shut up and swore. " Shit...."

Maya walked into the room, carrying a stack of papers in her arms.

" Sir, were you...singing?"

" No, of course not," he said importantly.

" Oh my god, sir, you were singing!"

" No I wasn't!" he said nervously.

" Oh my god, wait till I tell sempai, and Hyuga, and Shigeru!"

" That's it...."

BANG BANG BANG!!! Three gunshots sounded as Gendo shot at Maya three times with his Remington Semi Auto w/ Scope. He smirked.

" That'll teach you to make fun of me, bitch," he said out loud.

" Sir? You missed," said Maya.

" DAMMIT!"

" OK, OK, I won't tell anyone....if you do something for me."

Gendo's nose began to bleed ever so slightly.

" Not that, you hentai!" yelled Maya.

" Oh, sorry," sweatdropped Gendo.

' I want you....to take me out to dinner."

" What? Like, on a date?" he said, sweatdropping even more.

" Oh, no, just a little dinner, then back to my place, and if that happens to lead to a little casual sex, so be it," she said flirtingly.

Gendo's nose began to pour blood. He grabbed a handful of numerous cotton balls from his desk drawer and began shoving them up his nostrils. " Why me?" he asked.

" Do you have any idea how cool it would be if I could honestly admit I seduced the Commander? Mister Ice-Nuts himself?"

Gendo swore again.

" Allright, I'll do it. Under one condition."

" Allright."

" I'm picking the restaurant."

" Deal."

" And that," said Fuyutsuki, suddenly appearing and watching Gendo and Maya with an amused expression, " was the beginning of a beautiful relationship, much like a modern version of beauty and the beast."

Maya and Gendo stared at Fuyutsuki.

" What the hell are you talking about?" demanded Gendo.

" I'm like, one of those narrator guys who starts to tell you what happens after the story ends," explained Fuyutsuki.

" But the story isn't over."

" Hey, talk to the author. He wrote it."

" Hey, didn't you die in the training room?" asked Maya.

" It's called a plot hole. Get used to it, this author is an idiot, remember?"

" Hey!" yelled the author. Fuyutsuki looked with a cursory glance as a giant pencil eraser appeared in the sky.

" See?" he said, " What did I tell ya? A pencil eraser in a fanfic written on the computer? And appearing in the sky? Even when we're indoors? Like I said, the author is an idiot."

The author thought about this, then agreed.

" You're right. That last bit was filled with flaws. Lemme fix that for ya."

Fuyutsuki suddenly wet his pants for sure this time when Han Solo suddenly slipped into the room through a tear in the space time continuum between dimensions. He gave Fuyutsuki one look, then unholstered his blaster and fired eighty or so times.

" Thanks, pal," said the author.

" No problem, kid," replied Han Solo as he jumped back into his own dimension, where he was busy having a wild jungle orgy with Princess Leia and...uh, I dunno, that chick from the new movie. What was her name? Princess Armadillo or something?

Anyway, Gendo and Maya were walking to the restaurant when suddenly they saw an ambulance go rushing by in the direction of Rei's apartment building. Gendo gave it a half hearted look as they entered the Italian restaurant, the La Trachetoria, or, roughly translated, The Restaurant. They entered and a very rotund man named Tony showed them to their tables.

" Well, what sorta food are you two lovebirds gonna be having?" he asked. Gendo looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

" We haven't even seen a menu yet."

" Yeah? So what? Shut uppa you face!" he said. He took out a pad of paper and began to write. " Two spaghetti specials and a jug of Chianti. You got it." And with that, he turned and walked into the kitchen. Gendo and Maya shrugged. Being the only people in the restaurant, the utter silence had to be noticed. Had it been known, a useful conversation starter may have been that this was the restaurant where Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Touji, Kensuke, and Hikari had eaten dinner after The Ghost in the Shell. However, neither of them knew this, so the point was moot.

More so than usual.

Maya decided to venture forth and start a conversation.

" So, do you have any hobbies?" she said.

" I enjoy plotting the way I shall return to my wife, drive my son insane, perfect my utter lack of emotion....and snowboard." Maya looked at him in with sudden empathy, feeling how lonely this sorry sack of...er...feces this man was.

" Interesting. I collect stamps."

Suddenly, the rather fat man burst out of the kitchen with an accordion. He began to play loudly, then sing.

" Oh, this is the night, its a beautiful night, and the call it, Bella Noté...." Gendo cleared his throat.

" Excuse me, but that is very annoying."

" Yeah? Well, why donna you make me stop, fuzz face?" yelled Tony, throwing down his accordion.

" Maya, increase the LCL pressure," he said calmly.


" What?" replied Maya, a confused look on her face.

" I will not waste my time on an insolent, fat Italian waiter!" he said loudly.

Maya and Tony exchanged confused glances.

" Sir, he's not in an entry plug, you know."

Gendo stared at the waiter. Then he swore quietly. The Italian began to roll up his sleeves.

" Eep."

CRASH! BLAM! WHAM!

Gendo flew through the air and into a dumpster, home of a grizzled old WWII veteran. He stared at Gendo.

" Oh, I see! You must be that Jap bastard who shot my buddy Lou! Your gonna pay!"

Gendo managed to jump out of the dumpster, covered in marinara sauce and ravioli. Maya was waiting for him at the sidewalk with his jacket.

" What was with that waiter?" he asked.

" I believe that the author was trying to parody the old American cartoon, Lady and the Tramp."

" Well, he failed."

" I dunno," she said, thinking. " I think marinara sauce is very sexy...."

There was a dramatic pause.

" Do you.....do you wanna come back to my place?" asked Gendo off hand and rather quietly.

" I thought you'd never ask," said Maya, and together, arm in arm, they marched to Gendo's apartment.

***

And now, for a moment of gratuitous sex....

" Oh, yes Kaji! Oh yes!" Misato shouted as waves of pleasure coursed through her body. Kaji focused on the task at hand and began to go at it even harder and faster.

" OH KAJI! KAJI! KAJI! KAJI!" screamed Misato even louder. Kaji began to sweat but he went even harder and faster. Suddenly, Ritsuko burst into the apartment.

" What's going on in here?" she shouted. Misato gave her an angry look.

" Don't you ever knock? Anyway, beat it! Three's a crowd!" Ritsuko looked dismayed. She turned and was about to walk out, when Kaji cleared his throat.

" Now now, Misato, I'm more than up to the task of going at the both of you," he said. Ritsuko's face brightened, and she walked back into the room. " I mean, everyone loves my shiatsu massages."