Disclaimers: Have nothing. Own nothing. Speak you English? ^_^
Warnings: If ya don't know what characters die, ya might not wanna read this. It's only mentioned once, but...just in case, Ep. 33. Also, I make fun of Nuriko and Tomo (OOC!!) but that's because I love them!! And the more you love someone, the more you can fondly make fun of them! So I love you, Tomo and Nuriko! Love, love, love!!! **blows kiss**
Note: Please don't expect this to make any sense at all. ^_^
A Startling Conclusion
Me: [goes up to podium, stands on huge pile of books, taps microphone] Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and have come to a startling conclusion. [points proudly to title of script]
All: [talk amongst themselves]
Me: Ahem.
All: [continue to talk]
Me: EXCUSE ME!!!! I'm trying to relate some interesting stuff, here!!!
All: [grumble, grumble] Yeah, okay, fine.
Me: [pulls out chart and points with stick] After many hours of careful study, I have discovered that, contrary to popular belief, the Suzaku Shichiseishi Nuriko and the Seiryuu Shichiseishi Tomo are actually…the same person.
Tomo & Nuriko: WHAT????
Tomo: What the hell???!!!
Me: I swear. It's true.
Nuriko: Heh heh… [rushes up to lectern and grabs my arm…really, really hard] Heh…I'm sure you don't mean that, Mouse-chan…you're just caffeinated again, ne?
Me: [trying to shake him off] Absolutely not. I have concrete evidence.
Tomo: [standing up in the audience] I must protest! This is unheard of!!
Nuriko: You're telling me!! [whispers through clenched teeth] If you stop right now, I'll buy you a case of Pepsi One…whadda ya say??
Me: Tempting, but no. Will you let me go?
Nuriko: [releasing me] Fine! I don't know what I'm so worried about, anyway…there's no way you can prove it.
Tomo: [flustered; whispering frantically into his hand]
Nuriko: Tomo? What the hell're ya doin'?!
Tomo: [looking up quickly] Uhhhhhhh, nothing!
Nuriko: Oh, for crying out…Will ya stop talking to the damn shell and get your butt up here??? Maybe we can intimidate her if we loom menacingly in the background.
Me: Ahem…as I was saying…Figure Number One. Their appearances in the series. The audience will note that Tomo does not appear until after Nuriko is dead…
Nuriko: That's nonsense!!! Just because he wasn't intrinsic to the plot until Tape Nine doesn't mean…
Tomo: And Miboshi didn't appear until after I did! What, are you gonna try to prove that he's the same person as…as, uh…Shoka, or something??
Mitsukake: Hey!!
Me: [ignores them] Figure Number Two: they're both gay.
Nuriko & Tomo: Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!
Nuriko: I am SO SICK of hearing that!!!!!!
Tomo: That's worse than saying, "Hey, Nuriko, Tomo! You both like men, why don't you hook up, or something?" It's disgusting!!
Nuriko: From my perspective, at least.
Tomo: Oh, shut up!
Nuriko: And sure, we're gay, but you don't have to keep pointing it out to everyone! We're just like everyone else! We're powerful and heroic—well, I'm heroic; Tomo's just kind of a mental case—and there's really no need to tease us!!
Tomo: [mumbles pathetically] At least no one ever calls you "Tomo the Homo."
Nuriko: [quiet aside to Tomo] Well, that wouldn't be practical, would it, since my name's Nuriko???
Tomo: Hmmph.
Nuriko: To return to the point, saying we're the same person because we're both gay is just idiotic!!!!! Like there are no other gay people in the world????!!!
Hotohori: You go, Nuriko!!
Nuriko: I rest my case.
Me: Well, I see your point. But here's one more piece of evidence.
Nuriko: Go right ahead. We're not afraid of you.
Tomo: Damn straight.
Me: Okay, chew on this, you guys: Nuriko's real name is Chou Ryuuen, right?
Nuriko: Yeah. So?
Me: And Tomo's real name is Ryo Chuin.
Nuriko & Tomo: ………..
Me: Chou Ryuuen. Ryo Chuin. They're, like…the same, but with the first letters reversed.
Nuriko & Tomo: …………
Me: So my conclusion is, that Nuriko and Tomo are really the good and evil halves of the same person.
Nuriko: Holy crap!!! What if she's right???
Tomo: I'm…you're….we're….GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Nuriko: Arghhhh!!! What happened to my makeup skills when I'm evil???
Tomo: Aaahhhhh!!! What happened to my fashion sense when I'm good???
Nuriko: Hotohori-sama!!! Can you ever forgive me????
Tomo: [again, apparently talking to his hand] Tell me it's not true, Shin…tell me it's not true…
Me: Uh, guys?
Nuriko: What should we do??? Should we, like, find an exorcist or something to divide us completely??
Tomo: [covers his ears with his hands, shuts his eyes, and starts humming loudly]
Nuriko: [frantic] Chichiri!! Buddy!! Heh heh, you know lots of cool spells, right??
Chichiri: [sweatdrop] I'm not a freakin' exorcist, no da!!
Me: Hey, guys!!!
All: [turn to me]
Me: I was just kidding!! Jeez!!
[looooooooong, uncomfortable pause]
Nuriko: [dangerously] Just…kidding??
Me: Heh…yeah. [smiles innocently] Y'see…uh…I was going to start writing my French midterm, but…then I considered my options, and I decided that writing a stupid, pointless Fushigi Yuugi script would be much more fun.
Nuriko: And you just had to mess with our minds, huh?
Tomo: [bursts into tears]
Nuriko: Just look what you've done.
Me: Sorry. I really love both of you, you know.
Nuriko: [skeptical] Uh huh, and that's why you keep making fun of us, huh.
Me: [defensive] You always make fun of people you love!!! It says so up there in the warnings!!
Nuriko: [skips back and reads warning; eyes fill with tears] Awww, you really like us!!
Me: I do!!
Nuriko: Group hug!!!!
[They hug]
Nuriko: Hey, Hotohori-sama!! Wanna come join the group hug??
Tomo: Hey, Nakago, wanna…Ahhh!! Dammit!! You guys smashed Shin!!
THE END
Nuriko: Hey, does this one have a moral, too?
Me: Ummmmm, not really.
Nuriko: What, nothing? Not even a stupid one?
Tomo: [crossly] How about, "Smashing other people's magic shells is mean?"
Nuriko: Or, "Forgiveness is Divine?"
Tomo: Or, "Don't tease Nuriko and Tomo anymore?"
Nuriko: C'mon, you can think of one.
Me: Okay, okay…
Nuriko: Well? What is it?
Me: The moral of this story is…
Nuriko: Yeah? Yeah?
Me: "Tomo and Nuriko both like men, so they should get together! HAH!!!" [sticks out her tongue at them and runs away before they can punch her and/or stab her with feathers]
Nuriko: Dammit. She'd better be kidding.
(Note: Don't worry, I am! ^_^ )
