It took another three days for one of us to crack, in the end it was Chakotay, I knew he would eventually, I had seen it in his eyes

It took another three days for one of us to crack, in the end it was Chakotay, I knew he would eventually, I had seen it in his eyes.

"For gods sake Kathryn!" He suddenly exploded as I ignored his questions for the umpteenth time, "How the hell am I supposed to help you if you won't even meet my eye!" I looked up at him, I could tell that his anger was merely a cover for his true emotions.

"I'm sorry Chakotay," My voice seemed strange to my own ears, filled with fake emotion, "I know this must be hard on you, stuck out here."

"Kathryn, I don't care about being stuck out here, all I want is for you to open up to me." I had gradually learnt to accept the unfamiliar and alien name that still seemed so separate from me and I did not react to it. I looked back up and met Chakotay's eyes, I wondered if he could see anything in my eyes or were they just the cool reflective surfaces I imagined them to be. I looked away first, I couldn't cope with his compassion, his love.

"I'm sorry," This time nothing was fake and I knew it, the regret, the sadness, it was all real. Chakotay watched me for another few minutes in silence, before quietly and sadly moving away. As I made preparations for dinner I felt alien tears slipping down my face for what I had lost and failed to gain.

As I cut and prepared the food I felt an anger coming over me unlike none I had ever felt before. This was not anger at anything but me, I hated myself, hated what I had become. Before I even knew what was happening the knife had flashed through the air and fallen to the ground. My eyes widened in shock and I stared at the deep cut on my wrist, perilously close to my main vein, I closed my eyes and shook with repressed emotions even as the blood slipped down my arm.

"Kathryn!" The shock and worry in Chakotay's voice just made me shake all the more, I could hear small sobs bursting out of my closed lips. I felt Chakotay lift me up, I didn't even care that he had his arms around me. He took me to my bed and laid me down on it. I opened my eyes and stared up at him as he fumbled through the medical kit.

"Gods Kathryn what were you doing!" He yelled at me, I could see the anger flashing in his eyes. "Why the hell did you do that? Why did you…" He shook his head in disgust as he found some bandages and pressed them to the wound, stopping the blood flow.

"I don't know," My voice was weak as I tried to struggle up. "I don't know why I did it." He stared at me with a mixture of horror and disbelief.

"Do you realise what you could have done?" The anger was fading from his voice, "If that cut had been just one more centimetre to the left, shit Kathryn." He sank down next to me on the bed. When he looked back at me I was shocked to see tears swimming in his eyes. It was enough to shatter my defences and send me spiralling over the edge.

"I don't know why I did it," I repeated shakily, I looked back up at him, the tears spilling over from my eyes, "I don't know anything anymore Chakotay, I don't even know who I am anymore." Then my world shattered and collapsed in on itself. My only consistent was the comforting arms around me and the soothing voice in my ear. When everything calmed I pulled away and looked back at Chakotay, his eyes held mine, seeking the answers. I finally let go.

I told him everything, about how, when he said my name, I no longer recognised it. How I'd lost my grip on my own identity. I told him about my emotions that I could no longer control. I was dangerously close to losing my grip again as I told him how I felt like just another part of the ship, not a living breathing human being. I told him things I had never told anyone, things from my cadet days, things that were dangerously personal, that gave him some clues as to what the woman I used to be was like. I told him my doubts, my fears I even told him what scared me most, dying alone.

Two hours later we were lying in each others arms on the bed, both needing the contact with another human body. We had both cried and the after affects were still upon us, the emotional drainage.

"I'm going to help you Kathryn." Chakotay's voice was still thick with emotion, he turned his face into my hair. "I will help you find yourself."

I said nothing, there was no need. All I felt was the urge to be close to him, not for sex, just for comfort. I held him tightly to me as I silently cried myself to sleep.

The next morning was bright and warm. When I woke Chakotay was already gone. I missed him as I lay in my bed, missed the reassuring warmth that surrounded my body.

I rolled onto my side and looked out of the door of our shelter. I could see a little clearing, set up with blankets and the medicine bundle that reminded me so much of Chakotay. I couldn't see Chakotay anywhere, I sat up and stretched. I was still wearing my clothes from yesterday I must have looked a sight.

I got up and got dressed and washed, I could hear someone, I assumed it was Chakotay, walking around the place. I pulled on a light blue cotton dress and walked outside, the sun temporarily blinded me and I squinted round, trying to find Chakotay. A hand suddenly grabbed my wrist, making me jump out of my skin, I stifled the cry on my lips.

"Chakotay don't do that!" I gasped, I stared down at the hand on my wrist, my healed wrist, I noticed, Chakotay must've fixed it while I was asleep.

"Sorry." Chakotay took my other hand in his own and led me over to the blankets spread across the floor. I gently sank down into the blankets, tucking my legs beneath me.

"What is this Chakotay?"

"This is going to help you find yourself." Chakotay sat down next to me, he crossed his legs and indicated to me to do the same. I raised an eyebrow before complying, this was no time to worry about modesty. When I was settled Chakotay reached over and grabbed his medicine bundle before placing it in front of me, then he positioned some cushions behind me. He gently took his hand in my own and stroked it with a feather like touch.

"Kathryn, I want you to close your eyes." His voice was so soft it seemed as if it was just part of the wind, I closed my eyes, soothed by his gentle voice and the caressing sensation on my hand. "Now I want you to let go, let go of your fears, your worries and just concentrate on your breathing, then I want you to imagine a bright light ahead of you." I heard my breathing slow down as my body relaxed, I imagined a bright light, beckoning to me, trying to pull me in. "Don't resist it Kathryn," Chakotay's voice surrounded me, echoing deep within my soul, "Let yourself go." Then I surrendered, I faintly felt my body falling back onto soft cushions, as the light surrounded me and pulled me into it's haven I could still faintly hear Chakotay's voice, fading as I continued my fall. "Go find yourself Kathryn."

Then he was gone and everything fell silent. Then I heard it, a child's voice calling to me. "Kathryn!" I followed the voice through the light and finally stepped out onto an all too familiar place.

It was my bridge, burnt and twisted, my horrified eyes raked over the destruction of my beautiful ship.

"Kathryn." The child's voice was beckoning me once again, I turned around and saw her. A familiar little girl was standing in front of me, wearing the exact same clothes as I was. Her blonde hair was loose around her shoulders and her freckled face stared solemnly up at me. I knew who it was, I recognised the small face before me but I still had to ask.

"Who are you?"

"Kathryn." The little girl, an exact replicate of myself when I was a child. I stared around at the destroyed bridge in front of me.

"What happened here?" My question was so quiet it barely carried in the still air.

"It was destroyed," The younger me didn't even spare a glance for the wreckage. "Come." She held out a hand to me, I accepted it without hesitation.

The little girl led me down Voyager's corridors, as I walked along the corridors transformed from smoking debris to an alive place. As we turned another corner some of my crew materialised in front of us and walked towards us, chatting and laughing. I tried to get their attention but they walked past me as if I wasn't there. I walked through the labyrinth of Voyager's corridors all around me people materialised and disappeared just as quickly. I followed the younger me into the mess hall, she gestured towards one corner of the room.

I followed her arm and my gaze fell on a careworn woman, older than her years. She looked up and I felt a jolt of recognition. It was me, only a few years older than I was now but something had happened to her, her eyes were empty. She stared straight at me and I stared back, I could see nothing in her eyes, no laughter, no joy, just a nothingness that had spread to her soul. She stood stock still in the corner of the room, all the other people mingled together, talking happily, laughing. They paid her no heed. As I watched her she suddenly grimaced and pure pain flashed across her face. She gasped and fell to her knees, clutching at her heart. I watched her pain and spun back to my young guide.

"Why is nobody helping her?" I demanded, looking around at the crew members, they didn't spare her a second glance.

"She is too distanced, they can't see her pain." The young girl replied calmly, watching as the older Kathryn writhed in pain. I stared in shock and horror, there was a movement behind me and I spun round. I saw Chakotay, he wasn't looking at me he was looking at the older Captain Janeway now rolling around the floor in pain. I breathed a sigh of relief and waited for Chakotay to go help the poor woman. He didn't move, I saw a flash of pity cross his face, then he turned and walked away.

"Chakotay!" I called to him but he didn't react, I ran after him and tried to put my hand on his arm, planning to drag him back to the older me, willing for him to care. I couldn't touch him, my hand just fell back to my side and Chakotay carried on walking. "Come back!" I called desperately, "Chakotay!" Then the scene faded away.

I spun back round to the little girl regarding me solemnly.

"Why did you show me that?" I demanded, automatically shifting to Captain position, "Is that what's going to happen?" I felt a flash of fear. The younger me simply stared at me, her bright blue eyes flashing in the semi-light.

"I merely showed you what could happen, it is possible to change the future, but only if the heart is willing." The girl's eyes burned through me, "Where do you want to go?"

"I want to find Kathryn, I want to find my home." I answered automatically. The girl just carried on staring and walked up to me. She lifted one splayed hand and placed it over my heart.

"Kathryn is in here," Her voice seemed to surround me, "You have just got to free her." She vanished and I suddenly realised that I was standing outside my quarters. I blinked in confusion and looked around, my quarters seemed to beckon to me and I walked up to them. Just as I reached them the door slid open and a figure stared out at me, hidden in the darkness. A hand reached for me and pulled me forwards, as I stared light fell across the face.