Pain. How I had come to know pain. My soul, it was soaked and drowned. I was simply a body now, moving through life, hollow. I had started to practically hibernate in my bed. My bones felt limp.
Despite the fact I had two term paper deadlines come and go, I was disconnected from reality. My room was covered in shades of gray and black. I had pulled back the draperies when I had gotten home that awful night, vowing I would never rise from my bed again. I stared at the ceiling, feeling nothing.
A few of my classmates had called to see if I was doing well. Cards piled up, dropped through the mail slot. I didn't even look over at who was dropping them into my apartment. Guilt was suffocating me. Why did Queen Serenity even have to tell me that awful news?
My eyes traveled from my ceiling to the window. Through the curtains I could see failing light. Another day gone. I sighed and slowly closed my eyes. The headache I was struggling with grew, and I winced. I was too tired to drag myself to the medicine cabinet. I held my eyes closed, tears slipping out of the sides of my eyelids. The pain choked me beyond recognition, and my breathing slowed to a peaceful whisper. Colors exploded around me.
I've been here before…
The flowers. They towered above me like mighty kings and queens upon their thrones. A sweet breeze caught their petals and tossed them about. Blue-clipped sky enclosed me in this beautiful cage. I was alone. Breathtakingly alone.
A hand reached out and brushed my cheek. I shuddered, surprised by the foreign touch. A face obstructed the sun falling on my face in warm splashes. I simply stared, unthinking.
"You're hurting.." The hushed whisper swept across me like wind. Ryo pulled a strand of ebony away from my expressionless face, his fingertips caressing and warm. I breathed slowly, afraid of when this would end. His voice was like silver, delicate.
I closed my eyes and sighed, feeling his presence next to me. I would never be able to look at Ryo the same way again. My mind, it was full of odd delusions. How could I say, "Hey, I go to this field of flowers in my dreams and you're an angel"? Never, never…
Wind began to blow. I opened my eyes, realizing Ryo was gone. The field was turbulent now, the breeze turning into a strong force. My hair fanned out behind my head, twirling at the disturbance. I managed to pull myself up, looking across the horizon. The blue sky was gone, replaced with dark, gray clouds. I gasped, feeling something smash me in my head, doubling my body back against the ground with a loud, unreal thud. I awoke in my room inhaling deeply, coughing, as if I had been underwater.
I grasped the sheets of my bed, a strong pain growing between my eyes. I knew I had to get out of this, and find out what was going on. I had to find a way to feel normal.
Normal as normal can be for me.
* * *
After numbly crawling out of bed the next morning, I realized what day this was. Claelia had called me a few days before to remind me. My daily headache began a round of pain, drumming across my head.
The funeral.
Slipping into a black dress, I combed my fine, midnight hair back from my pale face. I looked like a mess. The bags under my eyes were enormous, and the red tingeing my eyes from the tears was atrocious. I sighed at my appearance and walked out of my apartment, refusing to put on even a bit of makeup.
The sunlight was so bright. My eyes squinted against the light I hadn't been exposed to in days. I found my way to the bus stop, paid the driver, and slumped into a seat at the back of the bus. I was on my way to visit death.
I was going to a funeral.
Haruka, Michiru, and Rei's funeral.
My veins ran cold and my stomach lurched. Could I make it through this? I stared outside at the passing people and stores. Another thought tugged at my fatigued mind. Was I really going crazy? Angels and Ryo and fields and flowers…it just didn't make sense. Then again, none of this did.
I was yanked back to reality when the bus stopped abruptly. I stood and clambered off quickly, sweating profusely. I walked down the sidewalk breathing deeply, concentrating on the "clack-clack" sound my shoes made against the pavement. Before I knew it, I had reached my destination. Crystal Tokyo Graveyard. The wrought-iron sign startled me. So did the many tombstones inside the fenced grounds.
I made my way past the gate and found myself on a path that wound through the decorated tombs. I wasn't afraid of the tombstones, really. I was terrified of what I would see when I finally got to where I was supposed to be, which was the funeral of my loved ones.
I made a turn and found myself faced with three coffins, surrounded by people. Jeanne looked lifeless. Her violet-black hair was tangled, the usual fiery glimmer that emanated from her face lost. She simply stared at her mother's coffin, unblinking.
I took a deep breath and shook uncontrollably, feeling very dangerously light-headed. 'You can't pretend anymore,' I told myself. 'This is it. Get through it like you have so many times before!'
My last thought sliced through me with outrageous ferocity. I caught my breath and walked into the crowd, receiving hugs and "I'm so sorry"s. I broke away from them and trudged to the boxes that held Michiru and Haruka, looking down at their glassy surfaces and seeing my reflection. Ignoring the two royal guards at the side of the coffins, I opened their tops up and gazed at Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama.
Michiru didn't even look dead. I gasped, tears caught in my throat. A faint smile was on her face, like she was sleeping. No cuts, no blood, no gashes. The only thing that I could tell was abnormal was a bruise on the side of her head. I bit my lip and let the tears fall. Haruka was the same, peaceful and quiet. I blinked, dizzy, and rocked backwards. Claelia wandered over to me, closed the coffins slowly, and looked at me squarely in the eyes.
Her face blurred in front of me. I was like a rag doll, limp and lifeless. She led me to a seat gently, and I sat through the service, blind and deaf. At the end, Claelia tugged my arm slowly. People were standing and leaving, dropping flowers by the graves of Rei, Michiru, and Haruka. Chibiusa and Jeanne stood together, looking down on the graves. Claelia and I trotted up beside them. Claelia looked a bit uncomfortable, looking at Jeanne and me sadly. Jeanne looked like she was trying her best to keep her tears in, but was losing the battle. Placing a crimson red rose on top of Rei's grave, beside the tombstone, she began to scream shrilly, clawing at the grass and flowers. Chibiusa held her back, telling her she had to calm down. Claelia looked scared and confused, and I simply stood there dumbly, unmoving and unblinking in my cheap black shoes and dark dress. Jeanne's sobs subsided as Chibiusa managed to pull her back with great effort, Jeanne's face crinkling into a red mess, wailing.
Chibiusa held her still, rocking her back and forth and shushing her. Jeanne was overcome with grief and cried harder and harder, her wails becoming louder. Claelia grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I was feeling more alone than ever, more far away and distant, and no one could grab me back. I could feel someone shaking me, but it didn't mean anything to me. I had been dragged off, dying along with Michiru and Haruka.
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A/N: I love summer vacation. Means more writing time for me! ^_^ The next chapter for my latest messed-up fic is on its way, so watch out! Hehe..