"Kathryn

"Kathryn? Kathryn!" I was struggling in the warm grip that held me, "Kathryn come back, wake up!" My eyes flew open and I jerked upright but a pair of strong arms still held me down.

"Shh, Kathryn it's all right, it's me." I gasped and tried to focus on my surroundings. As my frantically beating heart stilled I looked around. I was still lying on the pillows and blankets. I stared up at the person who was restraining me, Chakotay stared back down at me his eyes only inches away from my own. His closeness disturbed me and I pulled away, quickly standing up.

"Kathryn are you all right? What did you see?" Chakotay looked at me, worry marring his features. I opened my mouth to say something but as the previous events flooded back into my head I couldn't find any words to say. I stared at him for a minute, then, for no reason, I turned and started running.

"Kathryn!" Chakotay's shout echoed after me but I paid it no heed. I ran through the undergrowth, barely noticing that I wasn't wearing any shoes. The branches reached out and tore my dress, my hair whipped about my face but I carried on running.

I ran as if my life depended on it, I ran until my lungs burned and my legs screamed in agony. I ran to escape the thoughts buzzing through my head, never-ending in their torment on my psyche. Eventually I had to stop before I collapsed, I hid behind some dense undergrowth and tried to quench the fire in my lungs. As I lay low I heard some footsteps.

"Kathryn!" Chakotay stumbled into view he looked worried as he ran his hands through his hair.

"Voyager to Commander Chakotay, have you found her yet?" As I stared the Doctor's familiar voice echoed round the clearing. I almost jolted upright in shock, I had been told that we had no communication down here. Chakotay reached up and I saw him tap a comm. badge.

"Not yet Doctor, I don't know where she's gone." I felt a flash of anger rip through me but it was doused down when I saw the look on Chakotay's face.

"Do you want me to send down a security detail?" My lips unthinkingly supplied the answer in a silent 'No!'

"No don't," Chakotay supplied the answer for me, "I don't want to frighten her and make her do something."

"Commander?"

"Last night she…well she cut herself with a knife, a quite deep cut close to the main artery."

"Why wasn't I informed?"

"Because after she cut herself she started to open up to me and I didn't want to jeopardise that, the fact is she is capable of harming herself and I don't want to startle her."

"Do you really think she would do something?"
"I honestly don't know, I…I really hope not." Chakotay turned and looked almost straight at me, I tried to stay silent, I really didn't need him bothering me at the moment. As he carried on talking I quietly slipped away.

My head was spinning as I walked through the dense foliage, filled with questions I had no hope of answering. My loyalties were being questioned for the first time, my strength broken down and re-evaluated. I lost count of how long I'd been walking, I didn't really care anymore, even if the Doctor did send out security after me, I just didn't care.

My feet carried me to a lake I had not noticed before. It was deep blue and inviting, with a second thought I stripped until I was wearing nothing and waded into the water. The coldness of it took my breath away and I gasped, trailing my hands in the freshness of it. I slowly waded out to above my waist before taking a deep breath and plunging head first into the water. After my initial shock the water went from freezing to a refreshingly cool temperature. I swam for a long time, hoping that my troubles would drift over me much in the same way as the water was. After a while I simply stopped and rolled over onto my back, floating still.

I closed my eyes and allowed myself to sink down into the cool water. It grew colder further down, I welcomed it, it numbed my brain and stopped my thoughts. I still couldn't get the scenes of what happened out of my head, the little girl, the destruction of Voyager, me being ignored and the person in my quarters. I barely even noticed that my lungs were starting to scream out for air and my vision was impeded by a grey cloud. I closed my eyes as I started to drift, I was floating away…

I was yanked painfully back to reality as I was pulled roughly out of the water. As soon as I hit the air I started choking , my oxygen starved lungs screaming in agony. I was carried to the bank, as I went along I started to regain my dignity and I struggled against the grip that held me but it didn't relent until we got up onto the bank. I was laid on the grass, I screwed my eyes up against the sun and squinted at my rescuer. Chakotay was still fully dressed, his sodden clothes hanging off him.

"Chakotay what were you doing?" I spluttered, trying to sit up despite my throbbing head. "I was just taking a swim, can't I even do that without you thinking I'm going to kill myself?" Chakotay just glared at me.

"Kathryn I was watching you, you were under that water for far to long for a normal swim."

"I just needed to think." I replied sullenly, I shivered as a breeze hit my skin. Glaring at Chakotay I reached for my clothes and pulled them back on, Chakotay averted his gaze until I was done.

"Kathryn please, you say you need to think well let me help you, maybe everything will seem clearer." Chakotay looked back at me with imploring eyes, I felt a sudden urge to throw myself into his arms.

"No Chakotay you can't help me, no-one can, I have to do this by myself."

"Well how can we trust you to go through this alone if you keep…hurting yourself?"

"You have to trust me," I felt a sudden weariness come over me and I sank to the ground. Chakotay came to my side and made to wrap his arms around me but stopped when he realised how wet he was.

"Kathryn please talk to me, tell me what you saw in your vision."

"Look Chakotay, the reason I'm confused is, well," I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes, "I was trying to find myself and instead…I found you." As I said it I remembered it all clearly. The way Chakotay had reached for my hand and brought me into my quarters, the way his lips had felt on mine. I remembered how, when he said my name, I had recognised it and I felt Kathryn returning. I remembered the way we had healed the destroyed Voyager until it was perfect again. But then I had pulled away and I had run, I had run from myself, from Chakotay, from the healed Voyager and I was left alone again. I felt tears starting to slip down my face. Chakotay was staring at me in shock then he reached out for me.
"Kathryn.." I pulled away from his grasp and stood up.

"Look Chakotay, I really just need to think right now, I…I don't know what to do."

"Ok," Chakotay sighed before standing up next to me, "Well do you want something? Some shoes at least." I glanced down at my feet, noticing as if for the first time that they were torn and bleeding. I didn't reply. "Look I'm going to get you some things ok? Sleeping things etc." Chakotay waited for an answer, I just nodded dumbly. He sent me one last worried look before turning and walking away, I watched him go before walking off in the opposite direction, I was long gone by the time he returned.

I walked for hours through the forest. Dark gradually spread until I almost couldn't see where I was going.

I thought and I cried as I walked, in one never-ending cycle. Why did I run? I was presented with everything, my life back again, the man I loved, Voyager healed and happy. Yet still I ran, I ran away from all of it. There was only really one answer, I was scared. I was so scared of letting all of that in because I didn't know what would happen. I'd faced Borg, Kazon, hell I'd even faced a half klingon on her period, I knew all about tough times. Yet happiness scared me in a way no other terror could. I was so worried about being hurt, when I faced other terrors I knew what to expect and I could face it with my armour on. In order to accept happiness I had to remove my armour, my mask. That scared me more than I would ever admit. If I was hurt again, the way I was with Mark and Justin then I don't know if I could stand it. I'd never really got over what happened with Justin, I realised. That was why, after it had happened, I went for Mark, safe dependable Mark. I'd felt a love for Mark yes but not the kind of love that would break my heart if anything happened. Yet it still hurt, knowing that I was alone again, I had no-one to return home to.

I was afraid of my love for Chakotay. I loved him as much as I had loved Justin if not more. How could I live if something happened to him as well? I had to send people into dangerous situations sometimes daily. It had hurt so much when Justin died, how would I feel if I knew I had caused it? That would kill me.

Then there was Voyager, hell, I knew that they would be happy for me and Chakotay, they'd probably encourage it. But what if they grew resentful of our relationship? What if they thought I was giving him special treatment or something and mutinied? I knew they probably would never do that but the what ifs still buzzed round my head.

But, what about me? What about Kathryn? I would die if I carried on like this, that was what my vision told me. I would distance myself so much and I would be so alone that one day it would just end. I couldn't cope with my crews sympathy, I wanted their respect yes, but not their sympathy. I was so lonely, I wanted more than everything to know Chakotay's love, to know what it would feel like to come home to him every night and feel his arms around me.

So this was it, it was Kathryn vs. Captain Janeway. I had known for a long time that it would end up like this but not so soon. I knew that the decision I made tonight would affect the rest of my time on Voyager, if not the rest of my life. Do I think of the crew, or myself. Do I go with happiness but the possible danger of being hurt again, or do I go with dependable safe loneliness. I had never backed down from a challenge before but if this challenge went wrong then I would be so hurt, I didn't know I would be able to recover. I wonder what my crew would say if they knew just how weak I was, I could stand up to any unknown danger but stripped of my armour, I was a coward. So there it was.

Kathryn

Or Captain Janeway

My footsteps crackled in the dry leaves, I could see a glow from the fire in front of me. I took a deep breath before pushing my way through the trees. Chakotay was half sitting, half lying by the fire, it's glow fell across his face. As I approached him he looked up at me and sat up sharply, I could see he wanted to get up and put his arms around me but he stopped himself. I knelt by the fire, tucking my bruised and battered feet under me.

"Well?" Chakotay finally asked the question written on his face. I looked up at his face, in the firelight he looked mysterious but soft.

"Well I've been thinking, a lot." I began, I sighed. "I'm sorry Chakotay."

"I see," Any hope in Chakotay's face died away.

"No let me finish." I held up a hand, effectively silencing him. "I'm sorry that I didn't see what was right in front of me all the time. I'm sorry that I didn't listen to my own heart a long time ago." Chakotay stared at me, as if unsure what to expect. I stared down at my hands, clasping and unclasping in my lap. "The fact is Chakotay, as much as I try to hide behind protocol I now know where I belong, and it's in your arms." I took a shaky breath as tears started pricking my eyes, I still didn't dare look at Chakotay, "I've been so scared of being hurt that I pushed you away but, I don't think I can live anymore without you. I love you." I finally dared look at him, he was staring at me, I couldn't read what was going across his face. "Kathryn's here Chakotay, if you'll have her." The tears started to slip down my face.

Chakotay stood up and walked over to me, he knelt down beside me, I stared back down at the ground.

"Kathryn look at me," His soft voice soothed me, he reached out and took my hands, intertwining my fingers with his. I looked up at him, the love on his face took my breath away. "Kathryn I love you, I always have and I always will." He paused and I could see tears glistening on his face. "But I couldn't deal with losing you back to the ship, I want you to stay Kathryn, if I let myself love you the way I've always wanted you I can never go back to the way things were. I can never just see you as Captain Janeway."

"I know." My voice was quiet, I looked back up at him. "Chakotay I can't tell you that Voyager and her crew won't be an issue because it will, but I can promise you that I will love you with all my heart and soul and Kathryn will be here, whenever you want." There was a long silence, I could almost see the thoughts as they went through Chakotay's head. I began to feel my first doubts, after the way I had acted what reason did Chakotay have to trust me or to love me. I began to feel like an idiot and I took my hands out of Chakotay's before standing up and turning my back towards him.

I heard him get up behind me, tears were running freely down my face. Then his comforting hands were on my shoulders and he turned me round to face him. I looked at his face, the firelight highlighted all his features, his gorgeous brown eyes, the tattoo that was so Chakotay. I could see the tear tracks lining his face. He took a hand off my shoulder and gently wiped the tears from my face. Then he bent forwards and brushed his lips against mine.

"Kathryn." His whisper filled my soul until it was singing with joy. Kathryn was my name, that's who I was, I had finally found myself.

"Chakotay." One of my hands snaked around his neck and pulled his lips back down to mine.

I never did know what finally pushed me to allow Chakotay into my life, but I knew one thing, Kathryn was back to stay. Myself and Chakotay married six months later, then our first and only child was born a month after we got back to Earth. I'll never forget the reaction of Star Fleet when their hot headed protocol obsessed Captain arrived home heavily pregnant with her first officers baby. I had even given up coffee, much to the surprise of Admiral Paris who had sworn he would never see the day. I was never Captain Janeway again after that, occasionally I did miss my armour but it was still good to cast it off. I was made an Admiral, which, despite the hard work, was never as fulfilling as my years on Voyager. Now as I sit here rocking in the sun, watching my two grandchildren playing with the dog I know that I am truly happy. Chakotay is dozing by my side, I reach out and trace the tattoo that is engraved on my memory, even if I forgot my own name I would never forget that tattoo. It is our twenty fifth wedding anniversary tomorrow, Chakotay keeps teasing me about the gift he's bought me but I don't care about any gifts. The only thing I need now is to have him beside me for the rest of my days. As he always has been.

Fin