Set up: Somewhere in
season 7 or 8, not really that important which. Rachel and Ross are together.
Monica has the Porsche. Joey
still has the chick and the duck. This
is probably going to suck. It's going
to suck real bad. But I thought I might
write something a little lighter than what I wrote before. This shouldn't be so strange.
Scene: Jail cell
Policeman: Okay
pretty boy, this is your new room. The
bellboy will be bringing up your luggage in a minute. Don't forget to tip him.
Ross: Hey! You can't leave me here! Look at this place, it's disgusting. And, and, and (starts whispering) and there
are several large angry looking men.
Policeman: Hear that
boys, he doesn't like his new roommates.
(A very very large man gets up and walks towards Ross)
Ross: Now, now I
didn't mean it that way really!
(The man gets up in Ross's face)
Ross: (gulps) get away from me or else!
Man1: Or else what?
Ross: (very seriously) Or else I'm going to have to kick
your ass!
(Everybody in the cell bursts out laughing)
Man1: You're funny I
needed a good laugh, what's your name princess?
Ross: My name is
Ross not princess!
(The man gives Ross an angry look)
Ross: But princess is good too, sounds rather dignified to
me.
Man1: That's what I
though. My name is Snake, this is
Killer and T-Bone, and over there in the corner is Jerry.
Ross: Jerry?
Snake: Yeah, he's
the craziest one of all!
~4 hours later~
(Snake and Killer and Ross are all sitting around together
talking)
Ross: …and so that's
how my son lives with his two mommies.
Killer: Aw man
that's too bad. Just the other day my
little Erica went one the big girl potty all by herself for the first
time. I was so happy. She's getting to
be such a big girl.
Ross: Hey Killer are
those tears in your eyes?
Killer: Aren't I
allowed to be sensitive? What is so
wrong with me showing emotion? Why must
I bottle up my feelings?
Ross: I'm sorry man;
I didn't know you felt that way.
Killer: Well I do,
now sit down before I snap you in half.
~2 hours later~
Ross: …so you see it wasn't my fault.
Everybody in the room:
YOU WERE ON A BREAK! We know!!
Ross: So you guys
agree with me right?
T-Bone: I'm sorry I
just don't see it! I mean you cheated
on her, that's just wrong. Stalking her
for two weeks and then running over her cat is fine, but you don't cheat on
her!
(Ross gives him his two fisted gesture)
Jerry: Mmmm Mmmmm Mmmmm, I wanna a piece of that!
(Jerry winks at Ross)
Ross: I'm going to
go and sit over here. Way over here.
Policeman: Hey
princess, you got some visitors.
~Visitor Room~
Policeman: Only one
at a time.
Monica: I'll go
first
(Policeman shows her to the room)
Monica: Where is my Porsche?
Ross: I'm fine I
guess thanks for your concern, your car is fine, they'll show you where it is.
Monica: So how are
you doing?
Ross: Okay, but it's
disgusting in there.
(Monica shudders)
Monica: I can only
imagine.
Ross: So what took
you so long?
Monica: Well, we
just got a little busy.
Ross: Doing what?
(Monica says something really softly)
Ross: What?
Monica: (really fast)
ckackunuttruttr.
Ross: One more time?
Monica: Fine! We
were watching the chick and duck look for nutter butters.
Ross: (a little angry) Oh, I can see.
Monica: I'm sorry,
so anyway what are you here for?
Ross: I'd rather not
talk about it.
Monica: Please?
Ross: No!
Monica: Fine I won't
post bail!
Ross: Okay,
okay, …….
(Several minutes later)
Ross: … and so then the police car was right behind me, I
turned left and then right, but I couldn't shake him, so that where I made the
mistake. I took the bridge. They blocked off the other end and that's
where they caught me.
Monica: You expect
me to believe you were in a high-speed chase?
Ross: Why not.
Monica: Fine Ross, I'm
leaving.
(Monica leaves and Chandler comes in)
Chandler: So how's
prison life treating you? I heard the
food is great.
Ross: Chandler
you've got to help get me out of here!!
Chandler: We're
trying man, but you're bail is going to cost a fortune. If I were you I'd get a spoon and start
digging.
Ross: You're ever so helpful.
Chandler: I
try. So what are you here for anyway?
Ross: Well….
(several minutes later)
Ross: … and then the
man dropped the gun and ran. When the
police got there it was just the gun and me so here I am.
Chandler: You held
up a liquor store?
Ross: No they only
think I did.
Chandler: Sure man,
whatever. I'm going to go now, don't
drop the soap.
(Chandler leaves and Rachel comes in)
Rachel: Oh honey,
what have they done to you, you look awful in that nasty prison outfit?
Ross: No sweetie,
they let me keep my clothes.
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: So any word on when I can leave?
Rachel: We're
trying, I called your mother.
Ross: You called my
mother!
Rachel: Yeah, why's that such a big deal.
Ross: You never call
a man's mother; it's like tattling on him.
Rachel: Ross that's
ridiculous, I just wanted to help.
Ross: Whatever nark.
Rachel: Fine Ross,
be that way.
(Rachel gets up and walks out of the room)
Ross: No sweetie
come back, I didn't mean that.
Please. I love you.
(Phoebe comes in)
Ross: She's not
coming back is she?
Phoebe: I don't
think so. So are you anyone's bitch
yet?
Ross: What!?!?
Phoebe: I heard
Jerry is kind of sweet on you.
Ross: How do you
know Jerry?
Phoebe: Oh we go way
back.
Ross: Ahh.
Phoebe: So you're in
jail huh?
Ross: It kind of
looks that way doesn't it.
Phoebe: I mean why?
Ross: Oh well ….
(several minutes later)
Ross: …and I had
beaten the man up so badly he had to go to the hospital.
Phoebe: But that's
not fair, you were just trying to save that poor nun!
Ross: I know, but
you gotta do what you gotta do.
Phoebe: You really
are a bad ass.
(Ross grins)
Ross: And don't you
forget it.
Phoebe: I gotta go
now, bad memories.
(Phoebe gets up and leaves)
Phoebe:
(laughing) Ross a bad ass, yeah
right.
(Joey comes in the room)
Joey: Hey man, how's
it going?
Ross: How do you
think it's going? Did you call my
lawyer?
Joey: Yeah, but he sounded
a little confused.
Ross: About what?
Joey: I don't know
something about how this isn't his area blah blah blah, he can't help you blah
blah blah, and to give him a call when your next marriage falls through.
Ross: Joey you
called my divorce lawyer?
Joey: Well yeah, you
practically have him on speed dial.
Ross: It looks like
I'll have to do it myself!
Joey: Geesh, you
don't have to be so grumpy about it.
Ross: Joey I have
been stuck here for over six hours, I don't know when I'll be getting out, my
mother knows, my girlfriend is pissed at me, and one of my cell mates keeps
winking at me!
Joey: Yeah
baby!! Is she hot?
Ross: Joey, they are
all men.
Joey: No baby!
(The policeman comes in)
Policeman: Princess,
you've posted bail.
Ross: Thank
God! Who posted it for me?
Jerry: Hey sexy!!
(Ross gets a very frightened look)
~Back at the apartment~
Ross: I am so sorry
honey, really, I was just a little stressed.
Rachel: Fine.
Ross: Really, I'm
sorry, I'll do anything to make it up to you.
Rachel: Anything?
Ross: (very
sexily) Anything!
Rachel: Tell me the
real reason you were in jail?
Ross: NO!
(Rachel gives him an evil look and turns her head.
Ross: Fine come
here.
(Ross whispers something in her ear)
Rachel: (really
loud) You got arrested for hitting on a cop!!!
(Everyone bursts out laughing)
Ross: Thanks a
lot. Yes I hit on a cop, but it was
just to get out of a ticket.
Chandler: And they
arrested you for that!
Ross: No, but
apparently it seemed like I was offering sex, so they picked me up on
prostitution.
(Everyone bursts out laugh)
Ross: Fine everyone
laugh at my misfortune.
Rachel: I'm sorry
sweetie.
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Yeah, (very
sexily) I'll do anything to make it up to you.
Ross: Anything?
Rachel: Yeah….. as
long as you don't charge me for it!
(Everyone laughs again)
~End Teaser~
Chandler: Ross
phone!
Ross: Who is it?
Chandler: Some guy
named Jerry?
(Ross jumps over the couch and runs out the door)
THE END