Title: I know
Author: reflection
Email: truefaith@hushmail.com.
Disclaimer: The usual I don't own them wish I did blah blah blah
Summary: This is a sort of follow up to my Lurking in passions shadow
It is a diary entry of buffy's thoughts and how she feels about what she has to do about angelus.
I Know
I should have known what he would do, I guess deep down I did but I never had the strength to stop him and I don't think I ever will.
Angelus is a monster and he needs to be stopped but it's not going to be me that stop's him.
How do you kill someone that wears the face of your soul mate no matter what he has done?
The thing that scares me the most is that he is going to come after my friends my family the people I love the most and I will watch him do it, and even though he is going to wipe out everyone I love I will forgive him.
I know what everyone will think of me as I let him wipe out the people around me but I don't care because as long as there is a chance my angel will come back to me I can't kill him, I guess even now I know that chance is getting smaller and smaller and that someone else will try to kill him but they won't succeed.
The only person that would have the skills to take him is me but I don't have the motivation to take him.
The thought of him killing my family and my friends should be enough but it's not, it's not even close.
I don't just love him I live for him the small chance that he will return to me is all that is keeping me alive now and it's also enough to allow him to do what he is doing now.
It has been three weeks since we found Xander dead and I know they blame me.
Giles does not want me to blame me for Jenny but he does.
Giles loved Jenny and he was nearly ready to admit it to himself until angelus interfered.
Willow has been avoiding me since Xanders funeral I guess I can't blame her, she loved Xander.
The reason they don't want to see me is if they do they will have to let me see that look in their eyes that say s they blame me and they don't want that.
They want me to believe that they don't blame me, they do care about me but they believe deep down that I should be able to kill him for them.
I mean I am the slayer I protect the world from evil and hear I am letting a monster wipe out the people I love the most.
What kind of a person does that make me?
I am meant to be a protector of the innocent I am mean to destroy evil in all its forms and make the world a safer place but I can't not if it means killing my angel.
My salvation.
I have had the fate of the world on my shoulders since I was 15 years old but I never felt like I had purpose till my angel came along and gave me a reason to go on to live.
How can you take the life of someone that gave you yours meaning?
I guess I am just trying to convince myself to do what should be done to keep a lot of innocent people safe, to keep my loved ones safe.
I know if I don't do something soon one of my friends or all of them will make what will be a futile attempt at killing angelus.
I sometimes think of taking the easy way out by just ending my life, that might make it easier for everyone, but no.
It comes down to a choice of who means more to me my loved ones or him my angel.
I know one thing it won't be long before I have to decide.
The decision is going to mean someone's life but who's will it be, no matter what I do I know a part of me will die with who ever goes.
Well diary I have got to go know but thank for listening to me
I'll let you know how it works out.
Buffy
Author: reflection
Email: truefaith@hushmail.com.
Disclaimer: The usual I don't own them wish I did blah blah blah
Summary: This is a sort of follow up to my Lurking in passions shadow
It is a diary entry of buffy's thoughts and how she feels about what she has to do about angelus.
I Know
I should have known what he would do, I guess deep down I did but I never had the strength to stop him and I don't think I ever will.
Angelus is a monster and he needs to be stopped but it's not going to be me that stop's him.
How do you kill someone that wears the face of your soul mate no matter what he has done?
The thing that scares me the most is that he is going to come after my friends my family the people I love the most and I will watch him do it, and even though he is going to wipe out everyone I love I will forgive him.
I know what everyone will think of me as I let him wipe out the people around me but I don't care because as long as there is a chance my angel will come back to me I can't kill him, I guess even now I know that chance is getting smaller and smaller and that someone else will try to kill him but they won't succeed.
The only person that would have the skills to take him is me but I don't have the motivation to take him.
The thought of him killing my family and my friends should be enough but it's not, it's not even close.
I don't just love him I live for him the small chance that he will return to me is all that is keeping me alive now and it's also enough to allow him to do what he is doing now.
It has been three weeks since we found Xander dead and I know they blame me.
Giles does not want me to blame me for Jenny but he does.
Giles loved Jenny and he was nearly ready to admit it to himself until angelus interfered.
Willow has been avoiding me since Xanders funeral I guess I can't blame her, she loved Xander.
The reason they don't want to see me is if they do they will have to let me see that look in their eyes that say s they blame me and they don't want that.
They want me to believe that they don't blame me, they do care about me but they believe deep down that I should be able to kill him for them.
I mean I am the slayer I protect the world from evil and hear I am letting a monster wipe out the people I love the most.
What kind of a person does that make me?
I am meant to be a protector of the innocent I am mean to destroy evil in all its forms and make the world a safer place but I can't not if it means killing my angel.
My salvation.
I have had the fate of the world on my shoulders since I was 15 years old but I never felt like I had purpose till my angel came along and gave me a reason to go on to live.
How can you take the life of someone that gave you yours meaning?
I guess I am just trying to convince myself to do what should be done to keep a lot of innocent people safe, to keep my loved ones safe.
I know if I don't do something soon one of my friends or all of them will make what will be a futile attempt at killing angelus.
I sometimes think of taking the easy way out by just ending my life, that might make it easier for everyone, but no.
It comes down to a choice of who means more to me my loved ones or him my angel.
I know one thing it won't be long before I have to decide.
The decision is going to mean someone's life but who's will it be, no matter what I do I know a part of me will die with who ever goes.
Well diary I have got to go know but thank for listening to me
I'll let you know how it works out.
Buffy
