"One fine day you wake up Completely, hopelessly fallen in love He's just what you're lookin' for The only problem is, that the man's not sure"
--"That's the Way" performed by JoDee Messina
Written by Annie Roboff/Holly Lamar
Early March in Port Charles wasn't exactly hiking weather, but the cold made Jason feel a little bit more alive. He hadn't meant to come here, but when he got on his bike and began to drive, this was where the road had taken him. Maybe it was because he had wanted to take Elizabeth here. Maybe it was because it was a good place to think.
He'd been doing a lot of that lately.
Emily knew. She had seen it in his eyes somehow. He hadn't meant for it to happen, it just had.
He loved Elizabeth. In a way that he hadn't loved anyone in a very long time. Too bad he couldn't tell her that, at least not without making things worse for everyone involved.
He picked his way slowly through the tall, dead grasses. Here it was--the statue of the young girl that he had told Elizabeth about. She wasn't smiling. It was funny how he had never thought to look at that before, while it was one of the first things that Elizabeth had asked about. She made him...see things differently.
He wondered what she had decided to do, whether she was planning on telling Lucky the truth or not. He still couldn't be sure if that was a good idea or not, but it was what he believed in. Some people might find that ironic, considering the line of work that he was in, but he didn't hold with betraying friends.
That was why he couldn't tell her how he felt. He respected the relationship that she had with Lucky, respected all that they had gone through to achieve that relationship. He would never do anything to deliberately jeopardize that, which was why it was rather ironic that Lucky believed him to be doing exactly that.
He heard footsteps in the grass behind him, and turned quickly, natural instincts kicking in. His pulse began to speed up when he saw who was approaching him.
"Elizabeth..."
She gave him a tired half-smile.
"What's wrong?"
Her laugh was bitter. "Have you ever noticed that you ask me that question nearly every time we're together?"
"I guess I never really thought about it before. It just seemed like the right thing to say."
"It was, as usual. To answer your question, I took your advice. I told Lucky the truth--the whole truth this time. I explained our friendship to him, how we first got to be close, the things we've done together. I tried to make him see that we've never been anything more than friends."
"Good friends."
Her smile was genuine this time. "Very good friends. But still just friends."
"And did he believe you?"
"Yes, I think so. Specifically, he believed me. He wasn't quite so willing to accept that your intentions were pure."
"Does it really matter what my intentions were? All that matters is how you respond, right? I can want what I want, and you can want what you want, but it doesn't matter if we don't actually do anything."
"Jason...what are your intentions?"
He hadn't expected her to lay that question on the table. "I want what I've always wanted...for you to be happy."
She had been gradually moving closer as they spoke, and now she reached out to lay her hand on his arm. "You've never told me--what would make you happy?"
He didn't speak, just looked at her. She saw the answer in his eyes, and turned away.
Laughing nervously, she said, "You know, I didn't expect to find you up here. But maybe, deep down, I wanted to find you."
He stepped closer to her, still facing her back, only inches between them now. "What do you mean?"
"After Lucky and I had our talk today, I was pretty upset. I mean, even though he says he believes me, I still feel like I've been talking in circles for so long. I'm tired of having to justify my actions. I shouldn't have to justify my friendships to him."
"No, you shouldn't."
"I started to think about how things used to be between Lucky and me, how wonderful it all was. We made promises to each other, promises that I have always had every intention of keeping. But..."
"But what?" The inches between them had shrunk down to almost nothing.
"No one counted on Lucky disappearing for a year, and certainly not believing him to be dead when he really wasn't. I'm not the same person I was before the fire, and neither is Lucky. In a way, it's almost as if his life was put on pause the year that he was gone, while the rest of us went on living. I know that everyone changes as they get older, but I'm not sure that the changes in us make us as...perfect for each other as we once were."
"Elizabeth, what are you trying to say?"
She turned around to face him, and gazed up into his eyes. "I don't know, Jason. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I am anymore when I'm with Lucky. I don't like what I've been doing to him. But I also don't like what I've been doing to you."
"So what are you going to do?"
She took a deep breath. "Right now, I am going to turn around and walk back down that road, before I do something that I know we both want but would certainly regret."
"Can I at least give you a ride?"
Elizabeth shook her head. "I made it up here, I can make it back down."
As she turned to go, he caught her sleeve. "At least let me say good-bye the way I wanted to the other night outside Kelly's."
Uncertain, she allowed herself to be pulled into a gentle embrace. He held her close for a moment, then kissed the top of her head and released her.
Before she could turn away again, he said, "And just so you know, I could never regret a single thing I did with you."
Jason waited until she had disappeared from view before walking back to his motorcycle and riding off in the opposite direction of town.
* * *
It was quite a bit later when Elizabeth finally arrived back at Kelly's. In spite of the cold, she had walked slowly, attempting to make sense of everything that had transpired that day. Jason had all but admitted that he wanted more than friendship from their relationship, and she had practically told him that she felt the same way. And now, more confused than ever, she would have to face Lucky.
Wearily, she trudged up the stairs to her room. When she pushed open the door, her eyes widened in shock. Every available surface had been filled with vases of flowers. The scent of roses, orchids, gardenias, and countless other flowers nearly overwhelmed her. Next to her bed was Lucky, down on one knee, holding out a small velvet box.
"Lucky, what is all this?" she gasped.
He held out his free hand to her, and Elizabeth stepped forward to take it. "I finally decided what I wanted to do. Elizabeth, will you marry me?"
He released her hand to open the box, and an emerald-cut diamond winked back at her. A thousand images flashed through her head at that moment--her first date with Lucky, the night of the fire, the day he finally came home, the times he had told her she should be with Nikolas, the night he rescued her at the rave, the day he told her he still loved her, the trip to New York, the first night they made love, and Valentine's Day, to name a few. But flashing periodically through the rest was the image of how Jason had looked at her that day, how he made her feel when she was with him, and what it felt like to ride with the wind.
She knew, then, what it was that she had been feeling around Lucky lately. She felt trapped. It suddenly occurred to her that she no longer knew what she was doing or why she was doing it. On the one hand there was Lucky, who was ready to offer her the world--provided that she lived in it according to his rules. She had dreamed of this moment, planned out exactly how she wanted it to happen, and what she would say when it did. And now it had, but her first instinct was to run screaming in the other direction.
A direction that led directly back to Jason. He hadn't offered her anything, hadn't made her any promises, and hadn't proclaimed his undying love. She had no idea if he even could love her, or, for that matter, if she could love him.
She had loved Lucky for so long now. But more and more she was beginning to realize that the love she felt was based on the way things used to be, not the way they were now. The old Lucky would never have decreed who she could or could not be friends with, and the old Elizabeth would never have lied to him. Then again, she wouldn't have felt compelled to lie to him, because the old Lucky would have trusted her judgment and believed in the strength of their relationship, in spite of any outside obstacles.
That wasn't the way things worked anymore. There was too much suspicion and deception and mistrust and pain. She knew love wasn't always easy, but she didn't think that it was supposed to feel like this.
Elizabeth thought back to the night of her last ride on Jason's motorcycle. He had asked her what the word was for doing something you didn't want to, for saying something you didn't feel. She had told him that it was love. Now, she wasn't so sure.
Love might mean making sacrifices, but she didn't think those sacrifices should include who you were or what you believed in. Maybe Lucky had been justified in resenting her friendship with Jason, perhaps even in asking her to end it. But if she allowed him to make one decision like that for her, how many more would he think he could make for her in the future?
She realized then that she had never been apart from Lucky by choice. First he had been taken from her, and then he had rejected her. She had spent so much of that time trying to find a way to get him back. It had never dawned on her that maybe there weren't supposed to be together. That had always been a foregone conclusion in her mind.
"Elizabeth? Elizabeth, are you listening to me?"
She snapped back to reality when Lucky's voice penetrated her consciousness, and she realized that she had not yet responded to his proposal.
"Elizabeth, what's wrong?"
"I can't...I can't do this."
His face fell. "You can't marry me? I know it's really sudden, but I always assumed that we would someday, and I thought..."
"No, I can't marry you, and I can't be with you right now."
There was anger in his eyes now, and he stood up. "What? Is this about Jason? What kind of a hold does he have on you, Elizabeth? Are you really willing to break up because of him?"
The tears were coming, and she fought to hold them back. "No, this isn't about Jason. At least not all of it. Lucky, take a good hard look at us. Do you really like the way that things have been between us lately? And don't try to tell me that it's all because of Jason. There are problems in our relationship,
problems that I don't know how to fix, and we can't blame them on any one thing, or any one person."
"How is this not Jason's fault? Nothing was wrong before he came back to town!"
"That's not true, Lucky. We just never acknowledged that anything was wrong."
"What are you talking about? I love you, Elizabeth."
"And I love you. I always will. But...you're not my entire world, Lucky, and sometimes I don't think that you can handle that idea."
"I don't think that. I don't."
"But that's how you make me feel. You're so important to me, you're the most important to me, but you are not the only thing important to me. Sometimes...I just don't feel like I can be myself. Sometimes I'm angry or crabby or hurt, and I don't know how to express those things to you. It's not your fault; please don't think that's what I'm saying. But as much as I love our life, I want my life too. I don't want to be someone's entire world."
"Maybe you're not."
"Lucky...you moved into Kelly's, where I live. You are becoming a photographer, because I am becoming a model. You hardly see your mother or Lulu, and when was the last time you spoke to your father? The last time you saw Nikolas you argued. You can't stand the sight of Jason, and you don't like the idea of Emily and Zander together. Who else, exactly, does that leave? Whether you do it consciously or not, I can't handle that kind of pressure."
"Elizabeth, you're not being fair."
"Maybe I'm not. But I'm trying to be honest. I'm trying to tell you how I feel. I want to go to my studio and paint for hours on end and not have to worry that you think we're not spending enough time together. I want to go for a ride on the back of Jason's motorcycle and not feel guilty about being with a
friend. I want...I want to be free."
"Don't you think you're being just a little bit selfish here?"
"Yeah, maybe I am. But I guess I've decided that there are some sacrifices that I'm not willing to make. Not even for you."
"So you're breaking up with me, is that it?"
"I guess I am. Please don't think that this is easy for me, and please don't think that I don't love you anymore. I'm probably going to walk out that door and realize that this is the biggest mistake I have ever made. But it has to be my mistake to make."
"Even if it ruins my life?"
She smiled sadly. "It's not going to ruin your life. It's going to be hard, and it's going to hurt, but it's not the end of the world. You're going to get the chance to discover exactly who you are, on your own."
"So this is supposed to be some kind of a favor?"
"No, it's not a favor. It's a horrible, wretched thing to do, but that's life sometimes, as brutal as it seems."
She turned to go, and Lucky reached out and took her hand. "I'm not giving up on us, you know. I'm not going to make this easy."
"I didn't expect that you would."
"You're going to go to him now, aren't you?"
She nodded. "Yes. And I'm going to tell him how I just did the stupidest thing I've ever done. He's going to have to listen to me talk about you for hours, and watch me cry and sniffle. And then he'll offer to take me for a ride, and it will be so loud and so fast that I won't be able to hear any of my own horrible thoughts. Then he'll bring me home, and I'll cry myself to sleep, and hope that when I wake up tomorrow, this will all have been a bad dream."
"He loves you."
She shrugged. "Maybe he does. I don't even know what to think anymore."
"Be careful, Elizabeth."
"I will."
She hugged him quickly, and he whispered, "I love you." Then she walked out the door, and the tears began to stream down her face.
* * *
Jason had ridden in circles for a while, and then returned to the ruins of the old house, unwilling to go back into town. The sun had set hours before, and he was beginning to think that dinner might not be such a bad idea. Rising from the stone bench he had been sitting on, he slowly made his way back the road and his motorcycle.
There was a figure sitting on his bike, and he quickly realized that it was Elizabeth. She watched him walk towards her, and neither of them spoke until he was standing directly in front of her.
"You came back," he stated quietly.
She nodded. "And this time I don't have to leave."
"What happened?"
"Lucky proposed."
Jason heart sank. "I see."
"I broke up with him."
His eyebrows went up slightly, but all he said was, "Are you okay?"
"No."
"So what do you want to do?"
"Take me for a ride, Jason."
He slid on to the bike in front of her, and as felt her arms lock around his waist, he allowed himself a small smile. Then he put the bike in gear, and they roared off into the darkness.
"Another guy'll give you everything
The only problem is you don't feel a thing
Well I know from experience
Nothin's ever gonna make perfect sense"
--"That's the Way" performed by JoDee Messina
Written by Annie Roboff/Holly Lamar
