the madness comes in waves, and it's blue, like the ocean or like your eyes when you're not awake

disclaimer: not mine. please don't sue.

author's note: just so you know, this is meant to be non-capitalized and somewhat nonsensical.. it's about roger during the period of time after april's death and after his diagnosis. it's very strange, but i'm hoping it will help me get through my small case of writer's block so i can add more to "radio," which i've been working on chapter 3 of.. and i'm going to see RENT on October 10th! i can't wait.. anyways, please read & review, i'd really appreciate it.

• safe •

the madness comes in waves, and it's blue, like the ocean or like your eyes when you're not awake. i've gotten lost in here more times than i can count, even though i have a map. but still the twists and turns are hard to navigate, especially when i think too much. it's so cold in here. i forgot to take my medicine, the perfect pills i choke down to help me stay here even though all i want is to get away.. push the lifeline into me and let go and make it all better. violent fresh squeezed sunlight streams in through my eyes and it's hard to see where i'm going in the mess i've made. i think it's getting warmer.. take it and make it better, turn it around and put it back threefold. it's all the same to me

and i keep falling. sleep is a blessing that never comes and so the whole day is just.. out of order and wrong somehow even though when mark asks me what i'm talking about i can't find any words to explain it. april comes and goes, not the month but the angel, i can feel that she's here but i can't see her and when i call out her name she won't answer. she must be angry but i don't know what i've done.

there's something dark coming close and it's moving too fast and it looks like nighttime away from the city without the lights.. something around me and holding me still and i'm scared.. i feel weak and there are noises that are coming closer and louder and clearer now, they're telling me to come back and down and somewhere else i can't tell what i'm supposed to do

see i always get lost i don't know where i put the map it's somewhere but it's been hidden ever since she stopped answering me when i called out her name. arms holding me close feels special and warm like always and never, i feel halfway safe now and i can hear it.. him, it's him, and i take a deep breath and listen to what he says. words and panic make me afraid but a thought picks up the slack somewhere in the haze and i know that he loves me and i love him, and so it's okay and i close my eyes..

let myself sink down and let go of something i was never holding onto and my face is wet.. is it raining? somewhere inside me maybe it is because i always feel that way but now the feeling's faded for awhile and i just feel secure and tucked away and perfect.. a twenty minute facade that we love to put on.

the feeling slides and i blink and it's dark again, like a blindfold slipped over bloodshot eyes with the lids pulled tightly shut. i know he's changed something, and i'm glad, i don't like it bright and happy because i can't be like that so no one else should get to either. i'm jealous and self absorbed and naive and i love the feeling i get when i don't have a care in the world and i hate what it feels like to come back down.. i'm always coming down right about now and crashing, burning hard and fast. but he's always there, which is strange but normal. comforting. the arms are back and just as safe and so my eyes slip closed again and i try not to think about now, just about last and next year, how it's going to be perfect again someday just like he says it will.