disclaimer: still not mine.. don't sue, you won't get much.
author's note: thank you all for reviewing chapter one! and to answer your questions, yes it's about roger, yes it's during his withdrawal (right after april's death and his diagnosis), and yes "he" is referring to mark. also, just so everyone knows.. i have absolutely NO IDEA where this is going. really, no idea whatsoever. any comments/suggestions would be great..
shameless plug: i posted chapter 3 of one of my other stories, "radio." it's my first posted fic to feature dialogue.. would anyone mind going and reading and telling me if i'm any good at it? thanks..
• safe—chapter 2 •
i feel chopped and formed, cut and molded into something i would never want to be. i'm wasting away from the inside out and the outside in and everywhere in between. it seems like something's broken but maybe it's just me. he's angry now because i haven't been choking down the pills like the doctor says i should, but they taste like anger and they feel like glass going down my throat and i don't want them. april doesn't come around as much anymore and i'm scared, i don't want the medicine that helps me stay here, i want the kind that helps me escape.. i've done it once before but he found me and he started to cry, so i never did it again. mark's not supposed to hurt, even though it's always my fault when he does. sometimes i just get this strange fucked up pleasure out of pulling people down so they feel the same as me. it's sick and twisted and he doesn't deserve it, i'm the only one who isn't worth the time..
i'm raw and bleeding somewhere deep inside, but i don't have a care in the world because it feels good. i don't know why it does, i just want it to last forever because it helps me forget. a dream screen dropped over my eyes, giving me hope that i might not last much longer. but then i hear his voice, and i panic. what will become of him when i'm gone? april broke off a part of me and took it with her when she left, but the rest of me is still here; clinging onto those shaking arms and those perfect frightened let down eyes. i want to let go, but something's holding me back.. a voice is telling me it's not what it should be, i'm not supposed to love the feeling i get when he's holding me. i think they've told me it's wrong before, but i'm so mixed up that right and wrong could easily be switched around.
i want it to be right
earthquakes are passing through me and i don't want him to look at me like he does.. he's not supposed to care because then my self-indulgence will only hurt him more. i'm dirty and used up and he shouldn't want someone like this. i can't love him, doesn't he see that? i've already been screwed over and set aside to waste away. i don't know why he thinks he can dust me off and start over; i'm not that kind of person. i want him to love me but i don't want him to hurt. i can't have both because i always hurt the people i love; i've made my girlfriends cry, and i made my father hate me enough to leave, and then april went away because i didn't care enough. or because i didn't tell her i loved her enough, or because i did something wrong even though i don't know what it is, i just know it has to be my fault because it always is
he wants me to eat. he's begging me and i can't look at him because i know i'll give in. even though the thought of food gives me a torn up feeling and only makes me want my poison lifeline more. i hear him set the plate down and start to leave. i hear a weak choked up sound, and he turns around so i realize it must have been me.. then his arms are around me and i sink into them like a child, try not to feel ashamed. before i close my eyes i catch a glimpse of his, blue sky comfort etched in worry. i wish i could wipe away the tears he must shed when i'm not there
i want to love you mark, i swear i do.. i've just forgotten how
another note: in case anyone wants to know, some aspects of roger in this chapter—namely the fact that he blames himself for things and is afraid to love people for fear of hurting them—were partially inspired by what he says at one point in "goodbye love":
"you'll never share real love
until you love yourself—i should know"
so, that's where the whole low self-esteem/self blame type stuff came from..
also, as you may have noticed, i seem to be setting up a nice little foundation for some possible M/R in the future.. please review and tell me if you like the idea. ;-)
