disclaimer: as always, i don't own them.
author's note: yeah, it's been more than two weeks since i posted the last chapter. sorry, y'all, i was having troubles with writer's block for awhile there, and you can probably tell since this chapter's even shorter than usual. i think i might know where this is going now, but i'm still not sure. reviews will be cherished forever... :-)
• safe-chapter 3 •
hailstorm of words ricochets off my ears and i realize i'm the one screaming. at him. it's not supposed to be like this, i said i wouldn't hurt him why can't i stop yelling i'm so angry but he's so.. his words are stone cold and bitter but his eyes are crying without the tears. because of me. and i can't do what i need to do, i can't apologize or hold him and i can't stop the pain because i'm the cause of it. just like i always am.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
i love the sound my footsteps make on the stairs as i run away from him. when my feet hit the sidewalk, i marvel at how easy it is to walk away when you don't waste time looking back. don't think of his broken voice crying my name just before the door slammed, don't slow down, don't stop because i might turn back. tell myself the anger coursing through me isn't really mixed with pain, lie and say i'm angry at him and not myself. it's so simple, don't know why i'm the only one.. detached and cold, unfeeling gets you where you want to be. the lot, the man, the daring mixed message escape with the death threat written where you can't see so you won't know it's there until she's gone and you're broken up to bits and you can't stop hurting yourself and everyone else
i don't know why i do this to him or why i keep replaying the scene in my head and wishing i could change it. no but i do know, i just.. don't want to think about it. don't want weakness, i want escape. i don't want to hurt him. i'm too closed off to admit my emotions aren't the right ones. i'm a fucked up no-hit wonder and i know so many people who would love to tell me that. i want to leave this place but not him, it wouldn't be like this time or the last time. don't want to come back, don't want to keep going or be brave or fearless i just want the pain to stop. i thought i was supposed to be strong..
i wonder.. which do i need more, him or my self indulgence? him or the death wish lifeline i burn into myself? right now it's neither, just anger and something colored a bitter shade of blue.
i want to give him everything, but i have nothing to give. he wouldn't want my empty promises and lukewarm memories faded to black and blue anyway.
something inside of me is being ripped apart but i'm too strung out and useless so i just let it tear. realize i've walked past the lot, past my chance for perfection in a bag, in a needle, in the empty spot inside of me that used to hold her, but i don't care enough anymore. i suppose it wouldn't really matter if mark hated me any more but if he hates me i wonder why he stays, why he holds me when i cry, why i cry at all because i used to be so hard and bitter but now i'm just lost.
april is gone. i don't understand that. it was supposed to be perfect and forever and love at first sight just like you see on tv. not like this, never like this. i hate that i think so much because my mind keeps drifting back to the morbid picture painted on the backs of my eyelids; red and april and not so beautiful anymore, no light in her eyes just blank staring at the ceiling, floating sadness. crimson shade i want to forget..
i don't understand.
author's note: yeah, it's been more than two weeks since i posted the last chapter. sorry, y'all, i was having troubles with writer's block for awhile there, and you can probably tell since this chapter's even shorter than usual. i think i might know where this is going now, but i'm still not sure. reviews will be cherished forever... :-)
• safe-chapter 3 •
hailstorm of words ricochets off my ears and i realize i'm the one screaming. at him. it's not supposed to be like this, i said i wouldn't hurt him why can't i stop yelling i'm so angry but he's so.. his words are stone cold and bitter but his eyes are crying without the tears. because of me. and i can't do what i need to do, i can't apologize or hold him and i can't stop the pain because i'm the cause of it. just like i always am.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
i love the sound my footsteps make on the stairs as i run away from him. when my feet hit the sidewalk, i marvel at how easy it is to walk away when you don't waste time looking back. don't think of his broken voice crying my name just before the door slammed, don't slow down, don't stop because i might turn back. tell myself the anger coursing through me isn't really mixed with pain, lie and say i'm angry at him and not myself. it's so simple, don't know why i'm the only one.. detached and cold, unfeeling gets you where you want to be. the lot, the man, the daring mixed message escape with the death threat written where you can't see so you won't know it's there until she's gone and you're broken up to bits and you can't stop hurting yourself and everyone else
i don't know why i do this to him or why i keep replaying the scene in my head and wishing i could change it. no but i do know, i just.. don't want to think about it. don't want weakness, i want escape. i don't want to hurt him. i'm too closed off to admit my emotions aren't the right ones. i'm a fucked up no-hit wonder and i know so many people who would love to tell me that. i want to leave this place but not him, it wouldn't be like this time or the last time. don't want to come back, don't want to keep going or be brave or fearless i just want the pain to stop. i thought i was supposed to be strong..
i wonder.. which do i need more, him or my self indulgence? him or the death wish lifeline i burn into myself? right now it's neither, just anger and something colored a bitter shade of blue.
i want to give him everything, but i have nothing to give. he wouldn't want my empty promises and lukewarm memories faded to black and blue anyway.
something inside of me is being ripped apart but i'm too strung out and useless so i just let it tear. realize i've walked past the lot, past my chance for perfection in a bag, in a needle, in the empty spot inside of me that used to hold her, but i don't care enough anymore. i suppose it wouldn't really matter if mark hated me any more but if he hates me i wonder why he stays, why he holds me when i cry, why i cry at all because i used to be so hard and bitter but now i'm just lost.
april is gone. i don't understand that. it was supposed to be perfect and forever and love at first sight just like you see on tv. not like this, never like this. i hate that i think so much because my mind keeps drifting back to the morbid picture painted on the backs of my eyelids; red and april and not so beautiful anymore, no light in her eyes just blank staring at the ceiling, floating sadness. crimson shade i want to forget..
i don't understand.
