A You Won

Ok part 2....same disclaimers as before.

PART 2/3: Sirius Black

Take your straight line for a curve

Make it stretch, the same old line

Pain. That's all my world is. Not physical, well not normally, but the kind of pain you invent. The kind of pain where you can feel your mind at its breaking point and there is nothing you can do to bring it back. Well there are things. Doggy things.

I just reread what I wrote and realized I'm not making any sense. Damned Azkaban. Fucking damned Azkaban…I swear if I ever get out of here I'm going to find a way to burn it to the ground. Then I'll find a way to kill the rat. No I think I'll kill the rat first.

It hurts. Every thing hurts. I try to keep my mind focused on one thing and They just come back and take that focus from me. No matter what I do or try, ever thing comes back to pain.

The only thing keeping relatively sane now is the hope that the rat is alive. That I didn't kill him. I know I didn't kill him that day. Damn fucking rat weaseled his way out of it. But the wizarding world has this wonderful double jeopardy law, so when I do get out of this fucking hell hole I can kill him and present his still freshly dead body to the ministry of magic and tell them to go fuck themselves.

Or maybe I did kill him after all. I don't know anymore.

Try to find if it was worth what you spent

Why you're guilty for the way

You're feeling now

Pain again. They sensed my elation at the thought of killing the rat. Even though he deserves it…for what he did to me…for what he did to the Potters…for what he did to Harry.

God its all my fault. If only I hadn't chose the rat to replace me as the secret keeper…if only I had been there 10 minutes earlier…if only…. If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts.

God I am going crazy.

But it is my fault. I killed them. I orphaned Harry. I did but…but I didn't. I don't know if this confusion is caused by me or the demons that are my wardens.

Maybe I was crazy all along.

It's almost like being free

Someone once said that in a persons mind they an find freedom. That person was a fucking idiot. The worst prison in the world is someone's mind.

Padfoot doesn't have my mind. Maybe that's why They don't bother him as much. Or maybe its because they can sense that I'm no saner than the other wankers.

I cant do this anymore. I'm loosing this battle. The great Sirius Black has given up.

I wont even get a funeral.

Oh well.

And I know soon you will be

Over the lies, you'll be strong

You'll be rich in love and you will carry on

But no – oh no

No you won't be mine

Pain. I just want it to end.