Daria
in
"Goodbye Lawndale"
By: Caitlin Duffy ( aka duff the magic dragon)
Note: This is a ROUGH DRAFT fic. I've revised but i'm looking for more experienced writers to maybe read this and drop suggestions. There are parts that i'm considering to redo, but i'm currently in a block and i would love the help of readers to point me in the right direction.
Also: This is part of a multi-chapter story. This is how I would write the series
finale if I had the choice… no affiliation with MTV…yadda yadda yadda. I wrote
this fanfic before the season finale and before "Is it College Yet?" Any
similarities to the final episodes, or any differences, such as were I sent Jane and
Daria to college, are coincidental or just because I had to guess…well you get the
picture.
Chapter One:
(Outside Morgendorffer House)
(Opening Music- SSW theme)
(Cut to- Daria and Tom are on the Living room couch, staring blankly ahead. The camera
turns and we see they are staring at the TV)
TV: ( SSW Music) Hong Kong Phooey! What's in my Chop Suey!? What your local
Japanese restaurant isn't telling you about your sushi! Tomorrow on Sick Sad World.
Daria: What else is on?
Tom: (switches channels. We see the MTV logo across the screen, then switch to the
opening of "Jackass") Jackass? Appropriate show title for a network of such caliber.
Daria: Wait- isn't this the one where there is a full grown man running around
performing dangerously idiotic stunts at the expense of the complete strangers' privacy
and self respect? Or is that Tom Green…or the Andy Dick show..or..
Tom: Stop, please, you've said enough already. (beat) I heard about a boy who sued one
of these shows when he copied one of the 'dangerously idiotic stunts'.
Daria: Please. If you're ignorant enough to emulate these morons you deserve to get hurt,
just don't come cryin' to me when you rip off one of your limbs.
Tom: Pff! Limbs, shmimbs. They're only extended appendages of flesh and bone. I sure
as hell don't use mine too often.
Daria: (scoots closer, slight smirk on her face) Except..?
Tom: Except when I do this… (leans in and puts his arm around Daria). Or when I do
this.. (puts hand up to her face and leans in to kiss her)
(Suddenly, Quinn walks past)
Quinn: Eww! DARIA pah-leez!
Daria: (Groans, shifts away from him quickly, and puts her face in her hands)
Tom: (narrows eyes, puts arm to his side) Hello Quinn.
Daria: Isn't there a mirror that you could be looking into somewhere?
Quinn: Mom just told me to tell you that she needs to take you shopping this afternoon -
(looks at Daria) my GOD it's about time!
Daria: Dammit!
Tom: Daria, please tell me that my ears suddenly stopped functioning properly- it sounds
like your sister just said your name and shopping in the same sentence.
Daria: Sorry but you heard correct. My damn mother has been all over my case lately
about buying a damn dress for the damn graduation.
Tom: Are you damn sure?
Daria: (sighs) Its not funny. I'm not exactly jumping for joy.
Tom: Would you jump for me anyway?
(Cut to Mall)
(Daria and Helen are walking through a department store. Daria stops as Helen continues
walking ahead of her, looking through the clothes racks. Daria stops and looks at a large
hanging sign. It is bordered with pictures of thin girls in bikinis, tank tops, shorts and
halter tops.)
Daria: (reading sign to herself) 'What's hot now:.." (pause) Bulimia, apparently.
Helen: Now Daria, please pick something conservative and… somewhat formal, after all
this IS your high school graduation.
Daria: Hurrah.
Helen: (stops and looks in a rack, sees something and pulls it out) Daria! I found just the
thing! Isn't it just greeeat?
Daria: I bet that's what the ten year olds in the sweatshop said when they finished making
it for the big American consumers.
Helen: Oh please, can't you just enjoy this from the perspective of a normal teenage girl
for once?
Daria: (points) You mean like that?
(Brittany and Ashley Amber walk onto screen across from Daria and Helen.)
Brittany: Hi Daria! What are you doing here?
Daria: Hunting for the animal prints to return them to all the happy, happy little leopards
and zebras who want them back.
Brittany: Wow! That's really nice of you. You're here with your mother, Daria?
Daria: Only conceptually. She's just a hologram.
Brittany: Uhh.. (thinks) I'm here with my stepmom too!
Ashley-Amber: (to Daria) Hi! I'm Ashley-Amber!
Daria: (agitated) Yes, I know. We've met before.
Ashley-Amber: We have? When was that?
Daria: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
Ashley-Amber: I'm not that old silly!
Daria: Mmm.
(Helen stops looking through the racks and stands by Daria)
Helen: Daria! Who are your friends?
Daria: Mom, this is Brittany Taylor…
(Helen and Brittany shake hands)
Brittany: Hi!
Helen: How do you do…
Daria: …And this is her stepmother, Ashley-Amber.
Helen: You're her Moth-?? aheh. Hellloooo I'm Helen Morgendorffer.
Ashley-Amber: I'm Ashley-Amber!
Helen: (scowl) Charmed.
Ashley-Amber: We're here shopping for a dress for the school's after-graduation party!
Daria: It's just too bad you couldn't pass to attend the actual graduation.
Brittany: I hear it's gonna be real fancy.
Ashley-Amber: It's at the Crystal Lake Hotel. I've been taken there a few times. It's
filled with big, expensive, pretty things!
Daria: (sardonically) Lemme guess… business trips.
Helen: (sternly) Daria…why haven't I heard anything this post graduation party? (looks
at her and raises her eyebrow)
Daria: Um, I never got the invitation?
Helen: You know perfectly well that if it's a school event, everyone's invited.
Daria: Oh hell, mother. So I don't want to go. Big deal.
Brittany: Daria! That's so sad! Don't you want to come and see everyone together for one
last time?
Daria: No.
Helen: Well, I for one think that it would be a marvelous idea. Daria, we are going to
look for a nice dress for that party and you will go, young lady.
Daria: (pissed off) Hey, what about my freedom of choice?
Helen: That'll be just fine when you're out of the house for good, but while you live
under my roof, you will abide by my rules.
Daria: (looks at the floor angrily and mumbles under her breath)
Helen: (face softens, regards Daria with a pleading look) Please?
Daria: (looks at Helen) (sigh) Oh, fine. Just let me snap on my shackles and we'll be on
our way.
(Cut to Dressing Rooms. Helen is standing outside a dressing room with several long
garments folded across her arm. Her free hand is knocking at a door.)
Helen: Daria! How's the one you're trying on?
Daria (VO): Ugly.
Helen: (agitated) Well you've tried on at least six already! (sighs) Here, I got you another
one I think you might like. (persuasively) No pastels, no florescent colors, no ribbons,
fringe or low cuts.
Daria (VO): (Her hand hesitantly emerges from behind the door) Give it here.
(Helen hands her a dark mass of cloth)
(Cut into dressing room.)
(Shot of Daria's socked feet.)
Daria (VO): Alright, dress. One more shot at the madness. Screw this up and you're
going on the dreaded sales rack.
(Daria's feet step into the dress. New shot of a strap being pulled over her shoulder.
Another shot, The dress being zipped up in the back.)
(Shot of Daria's face, staring in the mirror. She stares at herself with wide eyes.)
Daria: (quietly, shocked) Wow…
(Helen steps into the room suddenly)
Helen: Daria how are things go- (stops, stares.) Oh Daria! (starts crying.)
Daria: Well, if you think it's that ugly I can arrange to have it burned…
(Helen runs up and hugs her)… Preferably with me in it!
(Brittany walks past the dressing room door, stops in her tracks and stares at Daria)
Brittany: WOW! Daria, you look good!
Helen: You're so beautiful! Can't you see?
Daria: Um…
Helen: Look at you! It's perfect! (looks at price tag) (surprised) Two hundred dollars for
a piece of fabric!!?? (Looks at Daria, sighs) Oh but it's worth it. (reaches in and takes off
Daria's glasses)
Daria: Hey! Stop that. (rubs her eyes)
Helen: Oh you could be so social, make so many friends. If you looked like this maybe it
would be easier for you to open up to people and influence them with your fascinating
thoughts, make changes!
Daria: Today, the junior department. Tomorrow, the world.
(Cut to the school. Daria is standing next to Jane, who is pulling books out of her locker
and into her backpack)
Jane: Dammit! (slams locker shut) I hate Mondays.
Daria: Just be glad this isn't Sunday.
Jane: Why?
Daria: Because then tomorrow would be Monday, too.
Jane: Good point.
Daria: So what's the current countdown?
Jane: (looks at her hand) We have four more school days and another 4 of
finals…making a grand total of…8 more days until freedom.
Daria: Halleluiah. Since you're so precise with your end-of-school analysis, you must be
just as positive on any information on college?
Jane: (shrugs)
Daria: (sighs) Jane, when the hell are you going to know?
Jane: So I sent in some late applications, big deal?
Daria: The big deal is your odds are about half as good when you send in your
applications last minute.
Jane: Do you know yet?
Daria: Yes, I do. And we agreed that we weren't going to tell each other until we were
both sure.
Jane: (dronely, as if she's heard it a thousand times before) … as not to deter our desire
for trying out for our top choices. Yes, Daria, I know.
Daria: I've taught you well.
Jane: Yes, sensei. Your wisdom has been profoundly hammered into my head. Can we go
now?
(Cut to Morgendorffer house. Quinn and the FC are sitting in the living room. They are
all wearing black equivalents of their usual shirts/dresses. )
(Sandi is standing, while the other girls are sitting on the couches. She holds up an
accessory in her hand)
Sandi: For years, we have utilized it for its full potential, not taking advantage of its
clever design and usual functions.
(Daria and Jane enter through the front door, stopping and watching.)
We worshipped its wide color coordinating abilities. However, after months of careful
analysis of the latest top fashion magazines, our hypothesis can be affirmed.(Pause, looks
down) The Scrunchie is dead.
(Stacey wails)
(Close-up of Daria and Jane)
Daria: Boy, she could really give Nietzsche a run for his money.
( Cut back to the FC)
Sandi: Ladies, bring your supplies.
(Each member is carrying a plastic bag filled with bunched up scrunchies. One by one,
they head over to the lighted fire place and throw their bag in. Quinn looks sad and
almost weepy eyed, Tiffany is blank of expression and Stacey is crying. Sandi stands
somewhat sorrowfully.)
Stacey: Goodbye, old friends! You were… (whimper) so good to us!! (bawls)
(Quinn pats her on the shoulder)
(Cut back to Jane and Daria.)
Jane: Shall I start humming "Taps" or "Amazing Grace"?
(Cut upstairs to Daria's room. The light switches on as Jane and Daria enter)
(Jane steps in and puts her backpack down by the door. She looks over and sees Daria's
dress lying on the bed)
Jane: Whoa-ho! Someone has been raiding Quinny's closet!
Daria: Oh bite me.
Jane: Is this Helen's doing?
Daria: Of course. Another ghastly attempt to transform me into Quinn.
Jane: ( picks it up by the hanger) You know, this isn't half bad. I would wear this if
someone paid me.
Daria: I'll pay you if you go to the party with me. I'm being forced.
Jane: Well, I was going to go anyway, but I'm always happy to see you squandering your
money on me. (holds hand out) Cash or check, I'm not picky.
Daria: I'm sorry, but I'm repealing my offer.
Jane: Dammit, and I was this close!
Daria: Not really.
Jane: Oh.
Daria: So, lemme get this straight. You were actually planning on going?
Jane: Sure, why not?
Daria: Two words: Lawndale students.
Jane: Well, I am a Lawndale student, aren't I?
Daria: Yes, but not one of the shallow ones.
Jane: So wanting to go to a party makes me shallow?
Daria: No, just insane.
Jane: (shrugs, looks down) I don't know, maybe just to see the calamity of intense
sorrow, happiness, disgust and relief unfold into the beautiful tapestry we call 'real life'.
(pause) Strictly as a spectator, no doubt.
Daria: (pause) I see…So, will you been dressed up as a puppet of formality like me?
Jane: I don't know yet…I may just have to surprise you.
Daria: Goody.
